Michelle Fegatofi

This week, the USA will be celebrating Thanksgiving.

Families will gather together, eat some great food and just enjoy being together. Not everyone can be with their loved ones and some don't have anyone, so I hope this post helps those that are alone or far from families realize that there is still so much to be thankful for.

I live in Italy and am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful and understanding Padrone that helps me celebrate American holidays. My family are scattered all across the USA and I won't be with them this year, but they are all in my heart and thoughts.

There are always many things to be thankful for, even during hard, lonely, or dark times. Here are things I am thankful for every day.

• Friendships - Having friends that you can talk to, online or real life, is always important to have. Make sure you tell them all how glad you are they in your life.
• Health - this year there have been as many, if not more, bad days. I'm thankful for all the good ones as well as the medicines and doctors that are helping me to get better. I'm thankful for every day I wake up ready to greet whatever the day has in store for me.
• My Padrone - he is always patient and understanding. He is loving, encouraging, protective and guiding. Even though we both identify me as his BDSM slave, he allows me freedom to be creative and pursue my passions of writing and helping people. His quirky sense of humor and serious side is the perfect balance for my own personality. 

• Family - even though they are all thousands of miles away, I'm extremely thankful they are all happy and healthy.
• Fans and Followers - I'm so thankful for my readers. You're encouragement, comments and questions keep me thinking and motivated to continue to help others in any ways I can.  
• Basic Needs - Housing, food and clothing fall under this category. So many people these days are always thinking of what they want and not what they have. I am so thankful that all of our basic needs are met and grateful for any extras we have. 
• Pets - or as I like to call them, fur and feather babies! Though they can be a pain and annoying at times, pets love you unconditionally and can fill you and your heart full of love. They can also take away loneliness for those that are alone.

I  hope my own list of things to be thankful for have helped you realize that there are always things in your own life to be thankful for. May you all make your own list!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my fellow Americans! And wishing the rest of the world love, peace, and harmony!

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Post title: " Thanksgiving Thoughts of a BDSM Slave "

Michelle Fegatofi

This week's topics are "Dominant's checking a submissive's tasks", "Am I submissive or slave", and "Talking during sex".

Question #1) "Should a Dom check with the submissive if the chore list is done or is it the subs responsibility to check in?"

It depends on the couple. Some Dominants like to micromanage their subs and inspect every part of the chore just to ensure it's done to satisfaction. Others don't trust their subs enough to believe them that they completed all tasks. Some submissives are lazy and really try to get away with cheating or taking shortcuts. These types of submissives need to be micromanaged because they are not trustworthy.

I believe that once trust is built and time together has passed that the submissive will prove herself trustworthy and the Dominant will know that she has done all the tasks as expected or better. 

For more information, please read the following links:
http://bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2014/04/tasks-and-duties-of-submissive.html
http://bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/09/how-to-be-perfect-house-wife.html


Question #2) "Can you tell me if I'm a submissive or a slave?"

I do live as a consensual slave with my Master. I have been in the BDSM lifestyle for 23 yrs as both sub and slave. I also mentor people new to the lifestyle. So, speaking from my experience, only you can determine if being a slave is right for you. If someone tells you that you have to be a slave, it is not consensual, therefore not real BDSM, just abuse. You should also understand that many people have different definitions of what a slave is, their rules, protocols and boundaries. It’s up to you and your Dominant to determine what those are. If you fight your Dominant on many things, then you really do not sound like a slave at heart, but could be submissive. 

There are many ways to be a submissive as well. I recommend you reading my blog www.bdsmunveiled.com as well as www.submissiveguide.com to further your understanding on subs and slaves. The more you read and research, the more knowledge you gain. If your Dominant keeps saying he wants a slave, but you really aren't slave material, then you need a new Dom. A Dominant is someone that is supposed to guide and nourish you. He should never push or demand that you be something you aren't. If he does, he is not a real dominant, but only a bully or abuser. So, please reevaluate your situation and do some soul searching after you read more about submissives and slaves and what exactly the different roles entail.

For more information, please read the following links:

http://bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2012/11/submissive-versus-slave.html

http://bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-is-submissive.html

Question #3) "I have a problem i need some help with. My girlfriend and I have a happy exciting sex life but I'm not much of a "talker" while we are goin' at it. I know this bugs her. She says I'm like a ninja silent but deadly. I have tried and I think I sound stupid doing so I start laughing putting a damper on the mood. Any ideas what I can do to talk the talk while I'm walking the walk."

                                        

Implement a Dominant/sub playtime before actual penetration. Tell her she can't talk and if she does spank her before resuming. Be dominant and instruct her in different ways to undress, masturbate, touch her body. All without touching her first. Maintain a very authoritative voice. Tie her hands and put her on her knees. Tell her to remain silent and call her yours as you have sex. Tell her that her pussy is your property. Things like this should help.

For more information, please read the following links:

http://www.bustle.com/articles/29263-how-to-talk-dirty-with-your-partner-without-feeling-like-an-anti-feminist-idiot

http://www.sexcigarsbooze.com/2010/06/how-to-talk-dirty-50-examples-that-will-make-you-blush/

I hope you found the above topics interesting. If you have any further comments or suggestions, please leave a comment! We love hearing from you. 

If you have questions or want to be a part of Talk Tuesday, send us an email at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com!

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Post title: " BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for November 25, 2014 "

Michelle Fegatofi

40% Off Sale on Michelle Fegatofi Printed Books @ Lulu.com! Begins 11/21 - Ends 11/30

Unveiled the secret submissive within

http://www.lulu.com/shop/michelle-fegatofi/unveiled-the-secret-submissive-within/paperback/product-21260191.html

BDSM basics for beginners. A guide for dominants and submissives starting to explore the lifestyle

http://www.lulu.com/shop/michelle-fegatofi/bdsm-basics-for-beginners-a-guide-for-dominants-and-submissives-starting-to-explore-the-lifestyle/paperback/product-20917820.html

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Post title: " 40% Off Sale on Michelle Fegatofi Printed Books @ Lulu.com! "

Michelle Fegatofi

This week, I'm addressing 'How to get through the holidays without a BDSM partner', 'Advice for an LDR of two switches', and lastly ''A very confused couple that likes kink'.

Question #1) "I am new to the BDSM scene but I have a boyfriend in Australia that is also my pet/Master... Is there any advice you or your master want to impart? I'm mostly a Dom. but sometimes I enjoy my pet taking control and owning me... We are both switch."

This is a very broad question, so I can only give a broad answer. Since you are new, I encourage you to read many different books and web sites on the multiple ways you can practice a BDSM lifestyle. This way, you can learn more about the Dominants and submissive types and see where you are comfortable when you are in that role. You will both want to explore your limits, so you should find and fill out a Limits Worksheet. There are many available online. I encourage you to fill out a BDSM Contract as well. It should detail rules, punishments, protocols, and limits for each of you for both roles, since you are both switches.

Remember to always keep an honest two-way communication between you and whenever a problem arises, to bring it up as soon as possible and not let it wait and fester. Never think you have read or learned everything in BDSM because there is always something new or a different way of thinking that comes up. 

Here are some recommended links for further reading on the above topic:
Online BDSM Relationships
Foundations of a BDSM Relationship
Differences in BDSM Relationships


Question #2) "Here in the US it will be Thanksgiving in a little more than a week and of course Christmas and New Years are right around the corner. Have you any suggestions on how Submissives (especially those still seeking a Dominant) can address getting through the holiday blues that sometimes happens when you are alone?"

This is a question that can apply to vanilla and BDSMers both. From a BDSM standpoint, I would suggest trying to find one or more Munches to go to around your area. There, you can possibly make friends and exchange contact information with other like-minded people. Another resource to utilize would be the internet. Many people in the Lifestyle are in online groups and might be alone as well. If you are friends with them and neither of you have plans, think about using a free online video messaging program to talk together while you eat or just relax at home. 

If you are in the mood to play and don't mind playing with strangers, find a reputable BDSM club in your area. Even if you aren't in the mood to hook up or scene, you might find a friend to talk to during the holidays. 

Here are some recommended links for further reading on the topic:
Find a Munch
Local BDSM Communities


Question #3) "Would you help me please understand which sub I am and understand my guys dominance please. I'm very new to this type of relationship and my closed mindedness still sees it as bullying not erotic (my guy had never told me that he likes this type of sex but does it when we're having sex).

Switch Pride Flag

He loves wrestling me (I initiated that), punching my stomach (he lets me do it back to him), choking me, slapping me which causes me in defense and gut reaction to slap him back (he says he wants me to slap him back) pinning me down and calling me a bitch saying "this is how you treat a bitch", thrusting hard into me while saying "this is how you control a bitch, this is how a pimp marks his terriority, this is how you claim a bitch"

I love wrestling him (being succumbed by power), punching him back (shows that I'm actually of equal power to him), being riden hard (passionate, no holding back sex) being told he's claiming me (not as claiming but more like the true blood "sookie is mine" statement. Someone thinks you're worth protecting and claiming as their own and noone elses)

I really despise the "bitch" name calling and the pinning me down while saying "this is how you treat a bitch". I hate the humiliating and degrading side of submission. He gets frustrated explaining to me that when he says "bitch" he means it as an attitude (he knows I'm not a bitch) and because he says he's role playing it doesn't mean anything. Its true that he doesn't do any of those things unless he is wanting sex from me. He's actually respectful and attentive other times.

Is this just a normal bdsm relationship behaviour or is this behaviour i should be worried about. Can you help me understand his "bitch" roleplaying from his point of view so I can understand him better please?"

This question came to me through my Goodreads page. I have to preface this by saying the profile that posted this in the comments section, as well as the one right above it, were both just opened in November 2014 with no previous activities other than comments on an old post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?' I have my doubts about this being a genuine comment, but as I am an adult and take all questions seriously, I will answer it to the best of my knowledge.

Now, as far as classifications, from your post, neither you or your partner are submissives. I would classify you both as Sadomasochistic Switches in role playing scenarios. Being new, you need to read and research S&M scenes as well as role play to gain more knowledge about them. You should also both read more about the basics of BDSM and learn the different roles, as well as the most often used terminology. 

Once you have more knowledge, you both should complete a limits list detailing what you will do, won't do, and what you might want to try. I also suggest writing an informal contract in which you agree when and where you will be in your roles, types of punishments agreed upon, rules, protocols, and Limits. With a contract, you will both be on the same page and it will help you both be clear on the other's position.  

Here are some recommended links for further reading on the topic:
BDSM Contracts
BDSM Limits
General Guideline for Dominants

I hope you enjoyed this week's questions for Talk Tuesday! Please feel free to extend the conversion by leaving your own comments below!

If you have any questions you would like answered, please send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com!

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Post title: " BDSM UNVEILED Talk Tuesday November 18, 2014 "

Michelle Fegatofi

Today's questions span a variety of subjects, from 'what a Dominant is' to 'how to find a mentor'.

Be sure to read the links that I have listed after each question to become more informed about each of today's topics.

Question #1) "Many people go to school to get Certificates in various fields. After all when you receive a service you want some documentation that the person offering the service knows what he or she is doing. What makes a Master a Master? When someone says they are a professional Dominant what makes that so? Is it their number of years in the Lifestyle, what were they doing all of those years to develop skills as a Dominant or to maintain their skills. Just because a person has dominant tendencies what allows him to call himself a Master?"

This is a question that could be answered in many ways, depending on who you ask. First, let's address what exactly a Professional Dominant is. These are people who are Dominants for hire. They dominate people, have sessions with them, for a price. You usually see more women (Mistresses) than men in these types of roles.

Now, to address the difference between a Dominant and a Master. A dominant is a person that is in a role of authority over another person. This is a person that has a naturally dominant character. A dominant can be a male or female. They normally do not do it for money. They consider themselves Dominants instead of a Master because they have submissives and not slaves. They usually only dominate in the bedroom or certain parts of a sub's life, but not in every part of a sub's life.

A Master is someone that usually has years of experience and knowledge in the lifestyle. They have a submissive that is usually submissive 24/7 and many times consider the submissive to be a slave. They know their slave so deeply that many times they anticipate the needs of the slave without any words being said.

Many times, people can and will interchange the terms Dominant and Master. New people with no experience will call themselves Master just because they think they deserve the title. In my humble opinion, someone can't be a Master without ever having owned a slave, just as a submissive

can't be a slave without ever having been owned and served a Master.

For further reading on related subjects:

Master Taino's BDSM Philosophy

Submissive vs Slave

What Type of Submissive are You

Titles and Classifications in BDSM

Question #2) "My life all the time was one vanilla. Now since year and a half ago, I met a man and I fell in love with him. We spend time daily talking and talking. And he said that he wants to collar me and start training me. One of the hardest things (for me) is the he wants to own a slave, me. 

Honestly I don't like the idea and it makes me feel sick. I can't see him with another woman and I can't imagine being with another woman touching or licking for real. But he desire that with me. We have a huge disagreement that day. The next day I told him that I used to masturbating me thinking on something like that and I said him that maybe I can do it for real... for him not for me.
Honestly I don't think I will feel happy with that .. and I don't know what to do, every time he said something about that I turn angry and upset. I need some kind of light in this moment. I will appreciate every word that you for me, all this Master/slave is so new for me and many things catch my attention a lot but this ones is hurting me a lot."

First, never do anything that you do not want to do. BDSM is all about Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If he demands you do something that is against your will, say no and walk away. Being a slave in BDSM is a complete consensual thing. It is solely the choice of the submissive to give their submission to a dominant. It does not mean that you really are owned like property. If you aren't comfortable with being a slave but you are intrigued by becoming a submissive, try that first. I strongly encourage you to read everything you can find about BDSM in general and concentrate on the role of a submissive. 

I recommend you read these websites in depth to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle:

www.bdsmunveiled.com

www.submissiveguide.com

Question #3) "How does one find a mentor and what exactly are the duties of a mentor?"

There are many ways to find a mentor in BDSM. Becoming friends online with someone that is known and has been involved in the Lifestyle for a long time. Also, going to munches and making friends might help you find a mentor.

In my opinion, a mentor is someone that will answer questions and concerns that you have and help guide you, but not lead you as a dom leads a sub. A good mentor will give you options to a problem and step back to allow you to choose the path you want to take. They will help you navigate the lifestyle but will not put you on a path. 

Here are some helpful links for further reading:

Submissive Guide Four Things to Look for in a Mentor

The Role of a Mentor

I hope the questions above have helped broaden your knowledge in different BDSM topics. If you have a question you want me to address, email us at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

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Post title: " BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for November 11, 2014 "

Michelle Fegatofi

I am proud to announce a new partnership with Sensual BDSM, an informative, artsy, and educational group based on Google +, ran by +SirDušanGabrielson and his educated team of moderators.

While you can find my blog posts and poetry there, you will also find many other links and posts concentrating on the softer side of BDSM from many different sources. I encourage you to stop by and take a look at https://plus.google.com/u/0/communities/104758304305360880791!  

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Post title: " Announcing a New Partnership with Sensual BDSM on Google + "

Michelle Fegatofi

This week I received many different types of emails asking various questions related to the BDSM Lifestyle.

Below are a group of questions that are somewhat related in topic, so these are the ones that I've chosen to share with you this week.

Question #1) "Many Submissives find themselves without dominants for one reason or another (release, death, or simply not clicking with any Dominant, etc.). How do you nurture your submission when there is no one to submit to?"

Many submissives are in this situation, especially those new to BDSM. While in-between relationships or waiting to connect with your first Dominant, you should always try to educate yourself more by reading books and websites about the Lifestyle, but mainly about the different types and ways to submit. You can gain a solid base knowledge of what BDSM offers and ensure that you have a very good grasp of your own expectations.

You can practice different submissive positions and become fluid and graceful in transitioning between them. You can ensure that you you have your limits list completed and that you understand all,of your limit. To feel closer to other submissives or just to be around the Lifestyle more, visit online submissive groups or go to munches in your area.

While these do not replace or fulfill the need to serve a Dominant in a submissive way, staying educated and furthering that knowledge can help you feel more connected to the BDSM community, as well as helping you attain a better overall understanding of what your own place in the Lifestyle may be.

For further reading on this topic:
Submissive or Slave Training


Question #2) "Now that the JDI Dating site has been found to be creating profiles in order to get people to buy premium introduction packages, what can Submissives do to keep themselves from being victims of fake profiles on BDSM sites?"

While I wish I had a revolutionary answer for this, I fall back to common sense and the old saying 'if it's too good to be true, it usually is'. The main pitfalls to watch out for are obvious ones such as a person not willing to give you their real name or show you a real picture of themselves. If their profile boasts about having many years of experience and having been with many submissives, ask yourself why they kept changing submissives? If they boast about or show pictures of things that cost a lot of money, be skeptical. True dominants never show off or boast about financial matters.

If the dominant gives you the feeling that they really don't have a clue as to what they are talking about compared to the experience they say they have, that is a huge red flag. If a person demands you call them Master or anything other than their name when you first meet them, that's another red flag! Titles and respect are earned over time, never demanded.

I know of a few people that have portrayed themselves very convincingly as dominants and was able to hide their true nature or identities online from some very smart women. But, in the end, the 'dom' slipped up and the submissive found out exactly what they were about.

Use your instincts and be as careful and observant as possible, but don't be paranoid. While there are many fake people and profiles online, there are just as many real ones out there waiting to connect.

For further information:

Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
Predators are Everywhere

Question #3) "Why is it that when I am to the point that I am strong enough to carry on without him he sends me a message (I miss you) and drags me back in? Why does it hurt so much trying to get through the day without hearing from him? I have been reading a lot about fake and wanna be DD's and I really feel like this is what he is but I love and care for him so much that it doesn't matter to me. Am I putting myself in danger still wanting a D/s relationship with him?"

I think you are infatuated with this man and and will put up with almost anything from him just to hang on to a relationship in order to not be alone. Many women have an intense fear of being alone or growing older without a partner. You know the type of relationship you want and deserve. You should not compromise 75% of your expectations just to stay with someone that isn't worth all the effort you are putting forth. As far as being hurt, I don't see any other outcome from what you have told me. I see emotional and mental anguish during the course of the relationship and much more at the end.    

I would advise you to end the relationship, block all contact with him and move forward. It's scary and hard, but I think it would be in your best interest.

If you have any questions that you would like me to answer, send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

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Post title: " BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday for November 4 "