Hello all!
Well, in case you haven't heard, over on FB over 90 BDSM pages have been deleted because of this ridiculous witch hunt started by those freakin feminist groups that have nothing better to do than judge our lifestyle by their values. One of those pages was my page named BDSM International.
Please if you have not already, go here and sign the petition to stop BDSM pages from being targeted as violent pages when we are not!
http://www.change.org/petitions/facebook-stop-targeting-bdsm-pages-as-violence-against-women?utm_campaign=share_button_mobile&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition
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Body image.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
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| Model: Arachnia |
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
Developing a Healthy Body Image
- Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
- Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
- Exercise regularly in an enjoyable way, regardless of size.
- Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape.
- Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
- Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
- Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
Think of the three A's
- Attention: Refers to listening for and responding to internal cues (i.e., hunger, satiety, fatigue).
- Appreciation: Refers to appreciating the pleasures your body can provide.
- Acceptance: Refers to accepting what is -- instead of longing for what is not.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
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Spanking, whether it’s done with a toy or by hand, is something that a lot of people enjoy for many different reasons.
Spanking can feel great. The thrill of doing something naughty can be fun. It might be part of a role play or S&M scene.
It can be a long wait for that first spanking. Many submissives are over 30 before they get the courage to act out fantasies they have had since childhood. The reality of spanking can be a bit of a surprise. Firstly, it's every bit as fun as you have been led to believe. Submission is mind-blowingly liberating. Secondly, you may end up looking rather different from the pink-cheeked and politely striped girls on the commercial websites.
Spanking is first a dichotomy of power. It is this transfer of power, this total surrender that is the hallmark of spanking. Within that concept, there are many levels of submission, and corresponding degrees of physicality. Within the spanking scene, there are two general types of spanking, and several types of spanking relationships to encapsulate them. These two main categories still provide a lot of room for subtle nuances. These main categories are Sensual/Erotic and Disciplinary/Domestic Discipline.
If you are not already in a defined BDSM role and relationship, talk with your partner about what excites them about spanking. If you want to try something naughty, then engaging in role play may give you extra context for that naughtiness. If you’re curious about the sensation, then a role might be irrelevant, plus you might want to be in a position that allows the maximum comfort. You’re much more likely to get what you want when you can talk with your partner about it.
'Safe, sane and consensual' goes without saying. Constant communication is necessary and so is absolute trust. If you have fragile skin, there is lot more to it that establishing a safe-word, because the sub's tolerance might bear little relation to the marks inflicted. She can't see what's going on behind her, and in any case, if she gets into sub-space, she's not in a place to make sensible decisions of any sort. So there is an extra burden of care on the Dom.
Just before a spanking happens, the Dominant will generally position the submissive in one of several traditional and well known spanking positions. I won’t get into those positions today because there are simply too many.
The Dominant is normally in a higher position than the submissive so they can restrain and control the submissive when she moves. The control also heightens the satisfaction of a top in a scene like this. The Dominant can apply more strength in the traditional positions. When sitting with a submissive over the lap, the Dominant can swing their arms naturally and apply force on all those spots they plan to hit. When they are standing, he or she can swing their arms and body to get even more power out of the stroke. Of course, it is a matter of comfort as well, since it makes sense that the naughty girl or boy receiving the spanking should be less comfortable than the Dominant. Comfort also contributes to the length of a spanking and that is of course a benefit for the sub too.
The position of the submissive’s butt is very tantalizing in most traditional postures. It makes the activity so much more erotic for the Dominant and helps to ensure accuracy in the spanking. There is nothing quite as appealing as the derriere stretched at an angle ready for that spanking. Safety is also a factor to discuss here. The Dominant is more able to ensure that he or she will not hit too high or too low and the submissive will not be harmed.
If you’re new to spanking, it’s a good idea to focus your attention on the butt only. There’s a lot you can do on the butt cheeks and the body is usually pretty well-padded there, so you don’t need to worry about causing damage. Plus, when you spank someone’s butt, you can indirectly stimulate their genitals, especially if they’re in a position that allows them to rub against your leg or a piece of furniture. Be careful to avoid hitting the tailbone and never hit on the kidneys.
Many people find that the sensation of spanking varies along a continuum of sting-thud. Stingy sensations tend to be on the surface of the skin, while thudding sensations feel deeper. Different toys and hand positions create different sensations, so you may need to experiment a bit. Also, some people have strong preferences for one style and feel over the other, while some like both kind of sensation.
You may find that as you get turned on, things start to feel different. Sexual arousal increases our ability to feel strong sensations, so it’s a good idea to start off lightly and ramp up. Combining or alternating spanking with other types of stimulation can be a fun way to increase the pleasure. Or you might want to get turned on before you start spanking. Lots of people like to switch from spanking to gentle caresses or the feeling of a fur or fleece glove. Play around with it and you’ll discover what feels good to you.
Newbie Dominants remember that you can make the spanking even more erotic by varying touches and rhythm, by caressing me and then spanking me you can get me to new heights of pleasure. Your control could be magnified by a little bit of humiliating speak too. Also, reminding your sub to return to position and to maintain that position often helps keep them in line and even more excited.
Spanking can feel great. The thrill of doing something naughty can be fun. It might be part of a role play or S&M scene.
It can be a long wait for that first spanking. Many submissives are over 30 before they get the courage to act out fantasies they have had since childhood. The reality of spanking can be a bit of a surprise. Firstly, it's every bit as fun as you have been led to believe. Submission is mind-blowingly liberating. Secondly, you may end up looking rather different from the pink-cheeked and politely striped girls on the commercial websites.
Spanking is first a dichotomy of power. It is this transfer of power, this total surrender that is the hallmark of spanking. Within that concept, there are many levels of submission, and corresponding degrees of physicality. Within the spanking scene, there are two general types of spanking, and several types of spanking relationships to encapsulate them. These two main categories still provide a lot of room for subtle nuances. These main categories are Sensual/Erotic and Disciplinary/Domestic Discipline.
If you are not already in a defined BDSM role and relationship, talk with your partner about what excites them about spanking. If you want to try something naughty, then engaging in role play may give you extra context for that naughtiness. If you’re curious about the sensation, then a role might be irrelevant, plus you might want to be in a position that allows the maximum comfort. You’re much more likely to get what you want when you can talk with your partner about it.
'Safe, sane and consensual' goes without saying. Constant communication is necessary and so is absolute trust. If you have fragile skin, there is lot more to it that establishing a safe-word, because the sub's tolerance might bear little relation to the marks inflicted. She can't see what's going on behind her, and in any case, if she gets into sub-space, she's not in a place to make sensible decisions of any sort. So there is an extra burden of care on the Dom.
Just before a spanking happens, the Dominant will generally position the submissive in one of several traditional and well known spanking positions. I won’t get into those positions today because there are simply too many.
The Dominant is normally in a higher position than the submissive so they can restrain and control the submissive when she moves. The control also heightens the satisfaction of a top in a scene like this. The Dominant can apply more strength in the traditional positions. When sitting with a submissive over the lap, the Dominant can swing their arms naturally and apply force on all those spots they plan to hit. When they are standing, he or she can swing their arms and body to get even more power out of the stroke. Of course, it is a matter of comfort as well, since it makes sense that the naughty girl or boy receiving the spanking should be less comfortable than the Dominant. Comfort also contributes to the length of a spanking and that is of course a benefit for the sub too.
The position of the submissive’s butt is very tantalizing in most traditional postures. It makes the activity so much more erotic for the Dominant and helps to ensure accuracy in the spanking. There is nothing quite as appealing as the derriere stretched at an angle ready for that spanking. Safety is also a factor to discuss here. The Dominant is more able to ensure that he or she will not hit too high or too low and the submissive will not be harmed.
If you’re new to spanking, it’s a good idea to focus your attention on the butt only. There’s a lot you can do on the butt cheeks and the body is usually pretty well-padded there, so you don’t need to worry about causing damage. Plus, when you spank someone’s butt, you can indirectly stimulate their genitals, especially if they’re in a position that allows them to rub against your leg or a piece of furniture. Be careful to avoid hitting the tailbone and never hit on the kidneys.
Many people find that the sensation of spanking varies along a continuum of sting-thud. Stingy sensations tend to be on the surface of the skin, while thudding sensations feel deeper. Different toys and hand positions create different sensations, so you may need to experiment a bit. Also, some people have strong preferences for one style and feel over the other, while some like both kind of sensation.
You may find that as you get turned on, things start to feel different. Sexual arousal increases our ability to feel strong sensations, so it’s a good idea to start off lightly and ramp up. Combining or alternating spanking with other types of stimulation can be a fun way to increase the pleasure. Or you might want to get turned on before you start spanking. Lots of people like to switch from spanking to gentle caresses or the feeling of a fur or fleece glove. Play around with it and you’ll discover what feels good to you.
Newbie Dominants remember that you can make the spanking even more erotic by varying touches and rhythm, by caressing me and then spanking me you can get me to new heights of pleasure. Your control could be magnified by a little bit of humiliating speak too. Also, reminding your sub to return to position and to maintain that position often helps keep them in line and even more excited.
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Below is an excerpt from my new book BDSM Basics for Beginners.
There are many variations of what the initials BDSM stand for, but the most widely used is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. Frequently, the different areas of BDSM overlap into one another, as a bondage scene might include humiliation, or a D/s relationship might incorporate fetishism, etc. But just as frequently, there are those who only participate in one aspect of the lifestyle. In general, there is no hard and fast rule for what is right and what is wrong..... it depends on the individuals involved. BDSM is fluid and changes as individuals and relationships change. Having said that, there is one creed we all agree on. All play must be: SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL. Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
In a broad statement, BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship that can involve the consensual use of restraints, intense sensory stimulation, and role play. To those that practice it in situations, other than just sexual scenes, it is also extremely mental. A Dominant has to be very careful and know his submissive extremely well in order not to do any lasting mental damage if the sub is deep into submission.
Because of main stream media and books like 50 Shades of Grey, the S&M portions have been highlighted much more than a rounded, more truthful picture of BDSM. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality/relationship has nothing to do with destructive behavior. A Dominant person simply wants to dominate in sex while the submissive wants to be stripped of any initiative.
Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Have fun. BDSM is about finding the things that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. But remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundaries of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person!
BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between a Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. This is where knowledge comes in handy and trust is essential. Never play or submit to anyone that you do not completely trust with that power. Not everything in BDSM is for everybody. Test the waters, experiment, see what you like or don't like and proceed from there.
There are many variations of what the initials BDSM stand for, but the most widely used is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. Frequently, the different areas of BDSM overlap into one another, as a bondage scene might include humiliation, or a D/s relationship might incorporate fetishism, etc. But just as frequently, there are those who only participate in one aspect of the lifestyle. In general, there is no hard and fast rule for what is right and what is wrong..... it depends on the individuals involved. BDSM is fluid and changes as individuals and relationships change. Having said that, there is one creed we all agree on. All play must be: SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL. Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
In a broad statement, BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship that can involve the consensual use of restraints, intense sensory stimulation, and role play. To those that practice it in situations, other than just sexual scenes, it is also extremely mental. A Dominant has to be very careful and know his submissive extremely well in order not to do any lasting mental damage if the sub is deep into submission.
Because of main stream media and books like 50 Shades of Grey, the S&M portions have been highlighted much more than a rounded, more truthful picture of BDSM. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality/relationship has nothing to do with destructive behavior. A Dominant person simply wants to dominate in sex while the submissive wants to be stripped of any initiative.
Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Have fun. BDSM is about finding the things that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. But remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundaries of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person!
BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between a Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. This is where knowledge comes in handy and trust is essential. Never play or submit to anyone that you do not completely trust with that power. Not everything in BDSM is for everybody. Test the waters, experiment, see what you like or don't like and proceed from there.
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