Michelle Fegatofi

February is a significant month for many reasons. In the USA, it's devoted to Black History. Many countries around the world celebrate an Independence Day during this month also. But, the most widely known and celebrated day would have to be February 14th, St. Valentine's Day. It is a day where people show their loved ones affection through special presents or other gestures. Many weddings, new couples, and other loving, romantic pairings happen on this special day.

On the other hand, there are many negative effects that Valentine's Day can have. In 2014, sixty percent of single people polled in the UK indicated that they have negative feelings towards this day. Forty percent of singles ages 18-26 have reported increased bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide. In the USA, thirty-five percent of single adults questioned said they have tried 'other than traditional' methods of meeting someone. Many of these singles have taken to the internet as an alternative means to finding their significant other/partner because they feel that other, more traditional methods have failed them.

After reading erotica books, watching BDSM based movies and in some cases, researching, people are turning to online BDSM forums and groups in hopes of meeting 'Mr. Right or Ms. Right', or in this case 'Master Right or Slave Right'. While some adults start their journey into the world of BDSM by dipping their toe in first and gradually working their way up into participating more with other like minded people in discussion forums and groups, others are jumping all in without any caution for their own safety. They label themselves Dominant or submissive and start trolling any and all groups they can in efforts to obtain a partner Dominant/submissive while knowing little to nothing about the BDSM Lifestyle, roles, protocols, or rules and making no efforts to vet the person they are considering getting into a TPE (total power exchange) dynamic with.

I have seen many people who identify as submissives so desperate for a companion, that they literally make an alias account on social media and start sending messages to every Dom they can find asking them to take them on as their sub. In some of these cases, especially if the Dominant is ethical and experienced, they will inform the submissive that this is completely inappropriate behavior, caution them to not approach random people offering complete and blind submission to a stranger, and ask them to not contact them again. While there are many good Dominants of this caliber, there are an even number of unscrupulous people that will pretend to be a Dominant and will accept any and all offers of submission from complete strangers. These predators are usually someone just looking for online fantasy role play, sadists looking to harm another person for self gratification, or a truly abusive person, be it mentally, physically or both, wanting to find their next victim.

If you are looking for a Dominant/submissive, especially if you are having feelings of desperation, depression, and/or loneliness, never rush into any relationship, online or real life, without first getting to know that person. If you are new to the BDSM community, do your research! Make sure you understand the basic roles, rules and protocols most Dominants/submissives follow. Be proactive and research Soft and Hard Limits. Find and fill in your own Limits Worksheet so when you do find a potential partner, you already have a completed list of items indicating things you are willing and not willing to do or try. Find online blogs and websites with various views of how they practice BDSM and learn from them. Incorporate things you like and take note of those you don't. This knowledge will help when vetting people for either scene only scenarios or relationships. It will also help you spot fake dominants before they can get too far into a conversation with you.

Never enter a relationship while feeling desperate. This leads to nothing but misery down the road. If you are depressed and looking for a Dominant, I urge you to take time for yourself first and become comfortable being single. If you can't be ok being alone and feel you have to have a partner, I don't know if you are ready to fully give yourself to someone as a submissive. Submission should bring feelings of joy and accomplishment. It should fill a need to serve a Dominant. It should be given to someone that makes your heart sing, your head filled with calm and soothing thoughts, and in your soul just feels right. It should not be given to a Dom in a desperate attempt to calm feelings of depression or loneliness. These relationships usually end up with a very needy person trying to be submissive but being more bratty because they never feel that their Dominant is giving them enough attention. They also hardly ever last more than a month, especially if it's an online only relationship.

If you are Dominant and you are in that very emotional situation, I also urge you to take time for yourself  becoming comfortable being single. If you are not ok being alone with yourself, how can you be the Dominant of a submissive that need you to be protective and to understand their needs.
Follow the same precautions that I outlined for submissives.

If you want to meet them in person, follow the basic safety measures I have outlined in the blog post First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life. These simple steps could be the difference in saving your own life. I'm not trying to scare you off from online dating, but I am trying to instill a sense of precaution.

While beginning and maintaining an online-only BDSM relationship can be mentally and emotionally fulfilling, if cautions are not taken with whomever you get into a dynamic with from the start, it can be very damaging as well. Please follow the simple suggestions I've made above, especially if you are new to the Lifestyle. It will save you much heartache in the end.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Doubting oneself is natural.

We all have those days where we question everything. Am I smart enough? Am I too fat? Do my clothes look ok? Am I pretty? Do people like me? As a BDSM submissive, other questions on top of these can come in to play as well. Did I please my Dominant? Am I submissive enough? Am I worthy of being his? Is my body good enough?

 

While self doubt is natural and all humans do this sometimes, continuously doubting yourself and your abilities can be self destructive to yourself and to your relationship. Dominants want submissives that are proud of themselves and their positions. They don't want someone that is constantly doubting their abilities or their looks. If you are constantly thinking and worrying about these things, when do you have time to think about the wants and needs of your Dominant?

Constant or consistent self doubting will keep you timid and in a bad or depressed state. Your state of mind can affect the people around you, such as your Dominant, so you will most likely put him in a bad mood as well. Now when you see you made your Dominant unhappy, as a submissive, you will get even deeper into a depressive state because you will not have done what all submissives want to do: make your Dominant happy. Are you beginning to see the pattern?

Now I've helped you recognize a pattern, how can you break the cycle? There are many techniques and avenues that you can employ to become, or get back on track, to a more confident you. First, you have to believe in yourself. You have to. There are no shortcuts and no going around this. The first step, as with most everything in life, starts with you. I'm not going to say it is easy or that it won't be a bumpy road. But, once you learn to have confidence in yourself and your abilities, you will see the world open up for you.

What techniques can you use to start gaining confidence in your abilities? While you will find many different ways and advice on gaining confidence around the internet, here's a few simple tips to get you started:

1. Make a list of 10 things you do well. (cooking, cleaning, reading, languages, sewing, sex, etc...)
2. Make copies of that list and put them in places you will have no choice but to read them at different times through out the day. Don't just read them. Believe them.
3. Start an "I am Good" journal. Every night before you go to bed, write down at least one thing you did that day that made you proud. If you're having an extra bad day, write you are good because you woke up and got out of bed. Writing down things helps keep a record of our lives and progress and will help you to see your strengths.
4. Believe the people closest to you when they tell you things. (Ex. When your Dominant praises you for tasks well done. They usually don't say things they don't mean.)
5. Always continue to grow. Even in BDSM, there is always something more to learn. As a submissive, you should find and read different websites, books, etc. to grow your knowledge. There are an endless amount of diverse ways to practice D/s.

What different kinds of techniques can you use to help yourself improve your body image? I have written a couple of other posts on this topic, but here's a recap:

1. Look in yourself in a mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are beautiful!
2. Dress in clothes that accentuate your body, not shapeless sacks that are meant to hide everything! Flaunt your curves!
3. Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
4. Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
5. Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape.
6. Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
7. Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
8. Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
9. Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel.  Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
10. Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you–as a whole person.
11. Avoid fashion magazines that endorse emaciated women as the norm or average.
12. Throw the scale away!!!!!!!

Hopefully with the above tips, you will start building a new and improved you, one without self doubt! Remember that we only get this go around in life, so decide if you want to live happily and the best life you can as a confident person, or one that is missing out on the simple beauty of being alive because you are eaten up by so much self doubt.

It's your choice. It's your life. Don't waste it.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Sub Drop can come in many different forms. Sub Drop is the emotional and physical effects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session. Since the increase of hormones and chemicals has produced a trance-like state (subspace), as play ends the submissive may feel out-of-body, detached from reality. As the sub's system stops producing morphine-like drugs, and as the nervous system kicks in again, the sub may feel a deep exhaustion, a sharp drop in temperature, as well as incoherence and uncoordinated.

Drop can also happen if play is stopped abruptly. BDSM play is a very vulnerable experience for people. It often involves exposing one's inner-self in ways that one has never before done. Sometimes, inexperienced Tops will begin BDSM play, and then abruptly terminate a scene and walk away. This can leave the abandoned sub in a very down state - feeling that they engaged their sense of trust to allow a Top to play with them, and that the Top simply let them splatter on the ground.

If not cared for, you could go into depression just from one play session. The endorphins and other hormones released during play leave your body in such a way that it takes time to rebuild the balance of hormones in your system. You could feel like you have a hangover or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.

There are a few things that you can do to help you get through this time, should you experience it.

• Recognize what it is. This is important, if you don't accept it for what it is, then you can talk yourself into a much worse state.
• Keep in contact with your play partner, tell them how you are feeling and seek reassurance from them that all is well. We all need to hear that we did good and that our partners enjoyed the scene as much as we did.
• Pamper yourself. Spend the day doing things you really enjoy. Long hot bubble bathes, manicures/pedicure, get your hair done. Anything that is going to help you feel better about yourself.
• Eat well and drink plenty of fluids. Your body is still in recovery process, so feed it well.
• Talk to someone who understands what you are going through. Find someone who can listen without judging and let it all out. If you need to cry do so, it's therapeutic.

Aftercare, at its most basic, simply involves the willingness to continue being there with your play partner for a sufficient time period that they can feel safe, regain their emotional equilibrium, and no longer feel the need to cling to you. It is equally important to recognize that aftercare is for both the Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive. If either person leaves too soon, then their partner may feel abandonment or loss far exceeding the obvious dimensions of the scene.

Food or drink after play can be important: Water or sports-type drinks to re-hydrate, or juice to provide simple sugars. Eating some chocolate after play is recommended by some, as the opiate and cannabinoid effects of chocolate are similar to those of subspace, allowing a more gradual transition, and chocolate also contains several stimulants that can make mental processes feel more alert.

Continuing to help the transition, especially if going home alone after play, some people find that assembling "aftercare supplies" helps them continue to land gently after they arrive home. Relaxing music, comfort objects, scented candles, bubble baths, favorite books or movies, incense, and other forms of self-pampering serve to continue to remind people that they are special and cared for, allowing them to bask in the gradually fading fires of their flight into subspace.

The emotions that can surface during and after play are necessary to address. Don’t keep them bottled up. Write them down, talk about them and keep open communication with your partner. They can help you get through your feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant to help you establish that connection. A notebook to write your feelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they are long distance), a letter from your partner telling you how they feel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call up some friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they too can help you recover from sub drop.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I normally don't post anything from others, but felt this post from a good friend, needed sharing.

Depression

By Tammie Pourner in BdsmForBeginners

Structure is incredibly useful for persons suffering with depression. Setting clear, attainable daily tasks (even if your dynamic is long distance) can do a lot to keep a depressed mood from becoming inability to get out of bed. In the worst times, it may have to be something as simple as "You must go to work 4 days out of 5 every week. You must take a shower every other day at 10:30pm." Simple, everyday tasks can be easier to tolerate if they're turned into power dynamic chores, rather than just one more thing they have to try to manage on their own. Professional programs force clients to live by strict rules about when they wake up, when they eat, when they shower, etc, and having those things become automated means that they don't have to make any decisions about it.

On the flip side of that, though, is patience. When depression is at its worst, things you don't even consider on a daily basis become arduous tasks. Deciding what to wear can feel like a herculean task, which is why so many who suffer from depression wear their pajamas for days on end. Some of these things can be incorporated into your power dynamic, but you also need to be aware that some days your sub will not be able to achieve these tasks. At that point, you should also have a boundary which, when crossed, makes professional intervention mandatory. (If they cannot hold down simple self care tasks for longer than a week, and they're not in any sort of professional therapy, this is a good start.)

Your submissive may fantasize about total power exchanges, where they're no longer responsible for the simplest of decisions in their life. This is almost always counter productive if they are actively symptomatic and/or not in treatment. You may use this to your advantage, to encourage active participation in therapeutic processes -- the more they engage their treatment, the more power you take from them. It can create some odd exchanges, like, "If you meet all of your therapists' requests this week, I will give you one day where all of your decisions will be made by Me."

Find and use non-sexual ways of establishing your power dynamic. Frequently, depression and the meds used to treat it can kill sexual desire. This does not always lessen the submissive's desire to serve. Perhaps just sitting at your feet and being stroked and comforted when things are at their most challenging helps remind them of the power dynamic without bringing sex into it at all.

Make sure you're spending time with people who aren't depressed. There is an energetic field around those suffering from depression that loves to latch onto others. Frequently, long term partners of depressives seek out therapy so they can maintain their grip on their own functionality while assisting their partner.

Make it clear to your sub that suicide threats will always be taken seriously. You are not a professional (unless you are, and then you're under different strictures) and should not try to differentiate between suicidal ideation (talking about suicide as an option) and planning to kill oneself. Once you take a stand, stick to it no matter how difficult it may be. Fifteen percent of patients with MDD will kill themselves, and many of them will show marked signs of their decision, but won't discuss it before it happens. Know the signs of suicidal tendencies and act when you feel uncomfortable, even if it's just calling your submissive's therapist and discussing your feelings with them.

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