Michelle Fegatofi

I imagine that many of you have made New Year's resolutions about time, family and losing weight. But, what about your BDSM life? Are you where you want to be? Do you want to grow more? Do you have a partner already or are you looking for one? How much have you learned over this past year?

Here is a list of things I think should be worked on continuously, throughout the year. If you are new or just starting out, it would be a great idea to review them yourself and with your partner so you can use them as a guide and add your own items and ideas that fit your lifestyle.

1. Renew your commitment to keeping up your knowledge and skills in your chosen practice of BDSM.
2. Renew your commitment to your Dominant or submissive.
3. Meditate daily to help keep yourself focused.
4. Renew your commitment to keep an open mind.
5. Find new paths to explore.

 

1. Make a list of books and websites that continuously update their information with fresh articles.
2. Look at the existing rules to see if any additions or changes need to be made.
3. Reevaluate your relationship with your Dom/sub to ensure that both of you are getting what you need and expected out of the relationship.
4. Take the values, rules, and lifestyle of BDSM and shape them to your own needs/likes/wants.
5. Remember there is no fast and steady rule of right and wrong as long as everyone is happy in the relationship. If you believe there is, then you really need to re-evaluate your decision to practice BDSM.

My Padrone and I both wish all of you health, peace, happiness and love for this year and remember my email is always open if you ever have a question or comment.

Best Wishes and Happy New Year!

Marco and Michelle Fegatofi

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Post title: " 2014 BDSM New Year's Resolutions "

Michelle Fegatofi

What do we do when we know we are submissive, yet we sometimes feel rebellious inside? From one side, you think to yourself that this feeling isn't normal. As a submissive, you should feel happy to serve and perform any task or command your Dominant gives you. Right? Wrong.

First, you have to realize that even if you identify yourself as a slave, you are still a human being first. You still have the feelings, morals, likes and dislikes you had before you agreed to submit to someone. Just because you agreed to submit does not mean you became a mindless puppet of that Dominant. Most Dominants want a person with a mind of their own that chooses to submit to them of their own free will. They don't want a doormat. When you choose to submit, hopefully you did so with the knowledge of what would be expected of you. If you are brand new, your potential Dominant should set down with you and explain what he is looking for and made sure that both of your outlooks, wants and needs would be met if you decided to pursue a BDSM relationship.

Second, it's completely normal to feel reluctant sometimes to perform tasks you know are required of you. One day you might wake up in a bad mood and are grumpy all day. The key to those kind of days is to focus on how happy it makes you feel to make your Dominant proud and to see his smile. There will be things you dread doing, like certain types of house work or running daily errands. But, as a submissive/slave, it's your duty to make sure those things are done. Now realize, I'm talking about performing routine tasks while you are in good health. Not performing or completing tasks when you are not well, is something different. Your Dominant should be lenient and understanding if you are too sick or have some real reason for not performing as you normally do. But remember, don't claim sickness just because you want to be lazy. That would be very deceitful and Dominants don't want lazy slaves.

What do you do if there is a task that you regularly perform and do not like or have good reasons to be uncomfortable with? Ask your dominant for time to sit down with him and to speak freely. Make sure you have good reasons and have formulated a credible argument for changing or not continuing that task. You must remain respectful and don't get defensive or whiney while speaking to him. If you come across as whiney or just being a brat, your Dominant most likely will not make any changes.

If you work outside the home and have trouble switching back to a submissive mentality when you get back home, there are steps you can try to help make that transition. If you drive or travel alone, tame that time to recite a mantra, play relaxing music or develop a routine to help make the transition from working woman to submissive. Another way is to take 15 minutes out for yourself as soon as you get home. Don't greet or speak with anyone. Go directly to your room, change clothes, put on your collar, and meditate. This will help you relax from a hard day's work while putting you in a submissive mood.

Now it's time to move in a different direction. What does it mean if you constantly feel unrest and reluctance to perform even the most basic of your normal submissive tasks? The first thing you should ask yourself is if you really have the desire and need to be a submissive. The second question to ask yourself is if you trust your dominant and want to continue to submit to him? If you answer yes to both of these questions, then you have to do some very deep soul searching and ask what is making you reluctant to submit to him? What's changed?

If you answered No to either question, you should talk to your dominant about scaling back the D/s part of your relationship until you, or both of you, can figure out if a D/s relationship is right for you and if it's wise to continue down that path.

So remember, feeling rebellious or reluctant sometimes, while in a submissive mood, is normal. But if you feel that way often, I urge you to reevaluate your situation and submission.

If you have any thoughts, comments, or ideas that you think might help others, please leave them below!

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Post title: " Submission and Internal Conflicts "

Michelle Fegatofi

This past year of blogging has brought many changes to not only my own self, but to our online community as well.

Through contact with literally thousands of people, I have guided, counseled, laughed, cried and helped in many different situations. I have seen some good changes, some bad changes, and a huge movement around the world by moralistic people to get our community confined to sites that either specialize in BDSM or porn.

The Readers

I think I have some of the most supportive readers out there. I have had many chats, discussions, and even debates about different views and ways to practice the Lifestyle. I have learned new techniques, new buzz words in the community, broadened my own view on some of the harsher sides of BDSM that I rarely talk about or practice, and many other things too numerous to get into further.

My fan base has become a mixture of men and women from all walks of life that have many different levels of experience. I love the new people that trust in my writings enough to email me a private question they are to scared to ask out in the open.

Some of the best feelings that I have gotten are from the wonderful feedback and updates from you guys after I have helped or advised you on a problem. I have had some that are so touching and grateful for my help that I literally could not hold back the tears of happiness.

The Separatists

This past year, I have seen some really bad changes within our online communities. It seems that there are groups of people that think it's better to divide the community into what they think of as the "true pages" and the "fakes". I have seen this on many different social sites, but FB is the worst. These types of groups are hunting down pages that either refuse to join in their separatist philosophy or that they just do not like.

I myself have been a victim of these groups and have refused to get involved and even acknowledge their existence for the most part as it just adds fuel to their fire, so to speak. They have tried many different attack approaches such as spreading rumors about me that are untrue and telling all of their new readers that I am a fake. If being in and around the lifestyle for over 21 years, being trained as a Gorean kajira for two years, and living in a 24/7 M/s relationship since August of 2011 makes me a fake, well I guess I need to revamp my kinkionary.

I have always said and will continue to say that we are better off together than separate, especially now that the moralists are after the large online companies to extremely restrict our activities and presence on the internet.

I hope that one day these separatist cliques will decide to rejoin the mainstream BDSM community so that we can show the world that we are united.

The Moralistic Movement

In May of this year, an online Twitter movement was started by right wing activists to get adult content removed from most social media sites like Facebook and Google. They first only said they wanted derogatory and rape images removed and banned from being posted on the sites. But soon, they moved into pictures that are a normal site to those of us that practice a BDSM lifestyle such as a woman getting spanked or in bondage.

In late May, the first wave of page removals started hitting FB. Along with many that were hit in that first round, one of my original pages was taken down. Since then, FB, Yahoo, Google, Twitter, Pinterest and many others have bowed to the pressure these moralistic people have put on them and changed their policies. They are getting so ridiculous in their pursuit that people's accounts are being shut down because someone reported them and stated that they were offended or didn't like something that the person said or posted.

While I agree that images portraying abused women and children should be very much policed and not allowed to be shown, I think there needs to be exceptions for women portrayed in bondage and other BDSM settings since these activities are consensual within our community.

In the Future

I have hope that we will unite together as a community and try to make our presence in the online communities more concrete. There will always be those that condemn us for our beliefs and practice, but at least we can try to present the real and beautiful picture that makes up our lifestyle.

I also hope that those groups that are dividing the online community will stop attacking others that do not subscribe to their way of thinking, being, or doing and try to either mend fences or just let everything coexist in harmony. It's sad when someone that supposedly practices an alternative lifestyle that teaches tolerance can be so intolerant.

Lastly, I hope to continue to bring all of you great info, a different perspective, and hopefully more knowledge about various subjects that is BDSM.

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Post title: " A Year in Reflection - BDSM Blogger Style "

Michelle Fegatofi

Hello kinksters! It's been brought to my attention that there are certain people that have bigger BDSM pages on FB trying to spread rumors, saying untrue things about many page owners and basically declaring that many pages are fakes.

Our thoughts on this are that there will always be people who love starting drama and strife while claiming to be an innocent victim.

We don't need, want, nor participate in this type of activity because it's childish. We need to stick together as a community as there are already many forces at corporate levels trying to sensor us in many places around the internet.

Yes, there are people that I don't like but I choose to ignore they even exist in the world as it makes it a better place in my opinion.

So, if you hear things about me and you want the truth, simply ask. I'm here to educate and help guide people into the lifestyle. That's been my goal and mission since day one.

I hope you stay and continue to grow with us here but if you feel the need to leave, we will understand.

Thanks for listening.

Michelle Fegatofi 

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Post title: " Rumors Are Childish "

Michelle Fegatofi

Wikipedia describes Mental BDSM as the collection of activities intended to create a psychological impact, often without a physical component. Another noteworthy but controversial example is the 'mind fuck', wherein a state of confusion and/or psychological conflict is intentionally created. While mental 'players' have considerably less documented material to study, an active Internet community and classes offered through local groups and conventions, provide many learning opportunities.

Mental submission is the act of submitting in your mind to the will of another. It is a decision made of a person's own free will after they have met someone they completely trust, they can communicate openly with, and have the need and desire to submit to. They only make this decision after careful consideration and after time has passed.

Mental submission might come in many forms and for different reasons. Some people meet online and connect deeply but live in different places so can't be together physically. Others may have physical limitations that don't allow them to kneel, perform scenes, or practice the more physical acts often associated with BDSM. In these cases, mental submission may be the only option for them to experience a BDSM Lifestyle.

Now, some of you may argue that it's not 'real BDSM' if that physical part is not there. I don't agree. Scientific studies have shown that sex is 90% mental with 10% physical stimulation. Let's look at a different example: Age. When we get older, our bodies are not able to function at 60 the same way they did at 40 or 20. There are more limitations that we have to endure and work around, even if in our own minds we think we can still do whatever we did the past 40 years. It's just not physically possible. If you read my past posts on BDSM and aging, you will understand my reasons better. People over 60 still want and do have sex. They just do it less often than a horny 20 year old. They connect on a much deeper level than that of younger generations. Mentally, they are perfectly able to submit to someone that is Dominant. Does that mean someone that's older can't still practice BDSM? No.

Mental submission has always been around but not as prevalent as it is now. With the invention of the internet, smart phones, and video chats, technology has enabled more people to explore the world of BDSM. The internet gives those that are shy, scared or just curious, the ability to seek out knowledge and have talks with real life practicing subs, about the Lifestyle.

I have written many different articles about online BDSM and various aspects of it. This is always a hot topic and new points of views are always emerging from it. If you are one of those that carry the attitude that a 'real BDSM relationship' can only be carried out if the people see each other in real life, I hope this article gives you a new way of viewing BDSM in this new world. 

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Post title: " Mental Submission in BDSM "

Michelle Fegatofi

Since Thanksgiving is just around the corner in America, I thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on the things that I am grateful for and hopefully, it will help you too also find things in your life to be grateful for as well.

In General: 

• Being Alive - I am grateful for everyday that I wake up. It means that I have another chance to experience life, change things if I want to, or start anew.

• My Health - Even with the chronic health issues I face, I am very grateful for the relative good health I have. 
• Friends - Lots of people say that you can't make real friends online. I think many of us have proved them wrong many times over. I am very grateful for the close true friends I have made over the years and that have stuck with me through all of the trials and tribulations. 
• Family - I'm grateful for having Padrone. He is always encouraging me, protecting me, loving me, and guiding me. He loves me unconditionally. I'm grateful for my two beautiful boys that I always carry with me in my heart. I am also grateful for my parents. Though they may not agree with my decisions, they still are there for me.

BDSM Related:

• Padrone - I'm grateful for the love, care, guidance, discipline, protection, strength and structure he gives me. I'm grateful for him allowing me to be myself and express myself and my submission in the ways I do. I'm grateful that we found each other and for every single day I have with him.

• Community - I'm thankful everyday for all of the people that send me emails and comments letting me know my articles or advice made a little difference in their lives. My passion is to help as many people as I can by sharing my knowledge and experiences with them. 

• Submission Itself - being submissive and being able to submit completely has given me a freedom in my soul unlike anything else ever could. It has made me stronger as a person, but also humble. It has helped me grow and learn as well as to become very adaptive. It has taught me much about myself and the world around me.

• Readers/Followers/Fans - And last but not least, I am grateful to all of you, my readers, followers, and fans. You are the reason I started blogging in the first place. I love helping you whenever I can and knowing that you gained additional knowledge in your own path into the BDSM Lifestyle makes me happier than I can express in words. 

Thank you all for your continued support and I hope to keep writing things that encourage you explore our world even deeper. 

I encourage you to make your own list of things to be grateful, whether it's BDSM related or things in General. You might be surprised at what you come up with. 

- Michelle Fegatofi

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Post title: " Being Thankful "

Michelle Fegatofi

If you have not read Part 1 of our story, please do so first so this will make more sense. 

After coming to terms with the realities of my then husband's criminal activities, I turned even more inward and stayed on the internet in connection with Padrone more. He was my only anchor and the only one helping me keep my mind and spirit intact.

My husband became increasingly angry at everything. He became more and more distant, colder than before, and scarier. His attitude and mannerisms became neurotic and paranoid, and the mental and verbal abuse increased. Padrone and I had been in almost constant contact because he was worried about my husband snapping and physically doing harm to me or the children. He came close with me a couple of times, but never physically harmed us. He never showed any signs that he would ever harm the boys, and I never thought he would.

In late July 2011, our internet and lights got cut off because he didn't pay the bills. I still have no idea where all the hundreds of thousands of dollars he conned from those poor unsuspecting people and investors went. He definitely wasn't using it to pay bills. He let the plates and insurance expire on both of our cars and didn't even pay the monthly payments on them. But luckily, I still had my connection to the internet through my Blackberry and to Padrone. I could not loose that connection. He was the only ray of sunshine in an ever darkening world. At that time, things were so bad for me that I couldn't even find joy in my children anymore, even though I loved them unconditionally. My mental health was literally deteriorating.

I told Padrone about the problem with the bills because I had to get it off my chest. Completely and unexpectedly, he sent me $1100 via wire transfer. He had never met me in person. He just went with his instincts and followed his heart and trusted that I wasn't scamming him. I went to Walmart and picked it up, telling my husband my Mom had paid the bills for us to get the internet and electricity back on. After getting everything reconnected, I had about $700 left over. I hid it in an old purse that I wasn't using in order to keep it from being taken by my husband. For about 1 1/2 years prior, he never allowed me to have any money, except for very specific things. He would only give me money to go get coffee with my friends because he expected me to keep up appearances. He wouldn't even give me money for gas. He wouldn't allow me to use any debit or credit cards. I was completely and totally at his mercy.

Padrone made plans to come to the US to see me in mid-August of 2011. At that time, we had toyed with the idea of moving so we could finally live together, but had not made any solid plans because we lived in different countries, I had children and was still living with my husband. For my own mental health and because of my growing dependence on Padrone for guidance, strength and emotional support, I had been spending all of my time with my head buried on my phone. No matter where I was, as long as I could talk to Padrone, I was going to do so, even if it was just mundane things.

My husband started getting suspicious because of the amount of time I was spending on the phone. He had paid little to no attention to me in over 4 years or longer, but all of a sudden took an interest. I think his increasing paranoia made him suspicious of everyone and everything. He believed that someone was always trying to "get him". By then, he didn't care anything about me, but didn't want to lose his free housekeeper/cook/babysitter/secretary. He stayed up for three days and nights, barely sleeping, trying to find evidence of what I was doing because he had no clue. He was that detached from what was going on in my and the boys lives, as well as to our daily routines. I had been online for at least 2.5 years reconnecting to the BDSM community.

He found evidence of my relationship with Padrone and went ballistic! He started throwing stuff all around the house. He got in my face and kept threatening to beat me and hoping that I would have a seizure and stop breathing. He looked like a completely insane or psychotic person. I had never seen him that crazy before. I was shaking and yes, I did have many seizures because of his emotional and mental abuse.

He took my cell phone away and demanded the password to get in. I wouldn't give it to him. He took all of my identification away. He took my car keys and house keys away. He took all the home phones out of the house, as well as disconnected the computers, except for one in the office. He then slept in the home office to guard the computer to ensure I could not use it or have any contact with the outside world. He would not let me leave the house for three days. In those three days, he took over all of my email accounts, vanilla and BDSM online accounts, and every other account I had. He changed the passwords and pretended to be me.

All of my friends on FB thought I had gone crazy at first, but quickly figured out it was him and they blocked that compromised account. He sent threatening, demented sounding emails to Padrone telling him he better not come to California because something bad would happen to him. When he wasn't harassing my friends online, he was harassing me at home. He would make threats to hit me. He would grab my shoulders and shake me hard and yell in my face. He said that if I wanted to be a somebody's BDSM slave, he would keep me chained up in the house and beat me until I bled. He threatened me so much that I literally shut down and curled into a ball. My children were there the entire time he was doing this stuff. In an effort to protect them, I sent them to play for hours at the next door neighbor's house or would tell them to stay in their rooms. He kept me in constant eye supervision and I had no way to get away or any means to contact anyone, not even my family.

After his own scare tactics on Padrone failed, he turned to a different strategy. At first, he made Padrone believe that I had changed my mind about our relationship and about him coming to the USA to see me. He had read my emails and studied the way I wrote and the words I said to Padrone in normal conversation and wrote a few emails under my name telling Padrone I had changed my mind and did not want to meet him, that I loved my family and was going to try to work out my problems. Padrone believed it at first and kept asking for explanations as to what had changed my mind and if I was sure. For a couple of days, my asshole husband almost did a very convincing job. Padrone was extremely depressed and could not understand why, all of a sudden, I would not want to see him, even if it was just to meet in person and nothing more. He contacted everyone of our mutual friends he could think of, to try to find out any information he could. He even contacted a person that lived in the same area I did, to see if he knew anything. Remember, he and none of my other friends knew that I was being held hostage inside my own house.

As my friends on FB began to know he was impersonating me, they became increasingly adamant that he give me my access to the internet back because they were afraid at what he might do. They had heard the stories of how crazy he was, and were all worried for my safety. Padrone said that had been one of the longest 72 hour periods in his life.

On the fourth day, we were out of everything and needed food. He gave me $10 and told me to go to Costco and what exactly to buy. He sent our oldest child with me to and told him to tell him anytime I got on the phone and what I said when we got back. Luckily, my son was more interested in some candy and a new toy than what I was doing. I got on a messaging system called Pinger that only Padrone and I knew about and sent him a message telling him what had happened briefly and that everything that had been sent to him and said to him by my husband was total bullshit. I told him I still wanted and needed him to come because he was my only anchor to reality. He was the only reason I had stayed sane. He was the only one that understood me and believed in me and actually cared about me.

At first he didn't believe that it was me. But after a couple of messages, the last message that day was "I have bought you a one-way ticket to come back to Italy with me to stay". There was no talking about it. There was no asking me. He just did it. It would be up to me if I used that ticket or not. I had exactly 1 week to figure it out. Those were some of the longest, scariest, loneliest days I have ever experienced in my life.

I had a lot of thinking to do. I had to come to terms with my decision one way or the other very quickly. On one hand, if I stayed, I would lose Padrone, the person that had come to mean so much to me even though it was such a short amount of time we had been together and the fact we had never met in person. I would still have my children, but my situation was so bad, and my husband so unpredictable towards me, I had no idea what could happen.

On the other hand, if I got on that plane with Padrone, I would have to leave my children behind because of the laws, their father, and because I could not just uproot them and take them to a foreign place where they didn't speak the language, know the customs, or understand what was happening. I would also have to leave behind all of my family, friends, and even my country.

That was the hardest decision I have ever made. If I left, I knew that their father would take care of them, but that there was a real possibility that he would never allow me to talk to them ever again. I also knew that if I left, he would tell the children all kinds of lies and try to turn them against me. I also understood that they may never want to see or talk to me ever again, even after they grew up. But what choice did I have?

What would I do? What would be my decision?

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Post title: " A Real BDSM Fairy Tail Come True - Part 2 "

Michelle Fegatofi

As an American coming to Italy to be a 24/7 slave for Padrone Marco 2 years and 3 months ago, I have learned, grown and changed a lot.

Being a BDSM submissive was not new to me, but being a 24/7 slave to an Italian Master was. Of course, we grew close by learning about each other and falling in love despite the ocean between us. We both loved the other enough to make the transition from online to reality after only 5 months of being together. 

We first met online on FB as friends. At that time, I belonged to a different online Dominant but was having a lot of trouble with that relationship. Whenever I popped up in chat to ask advice, Padrone always gave it from a neutral stance. Our relationship grew, I became an unowned sub, and he eventually asked me to be his online slave. There were 9 hours difference between us. Luckily, he worked nights so that allowed us to have running conversations all day via Yahoo or FB messaging.

I lived in California and he in Tuscany, Italy. We established rules, guidelines, rituals, protocols and punishments that fit our real life situations as well as our personalities. He always wanted a detailed account of my daily travels, dealings, feelings, and anything else I needed to talk to him about. He gave me advice and guided me from his heart and his own life experiences.

In a short time, he decided to visit me in California during his yearly hiatus in the month of August. This is where I have to tell you a little about my real life situation at that time.

I had been married for 17 years to a very uptight, mentally abusive, very controlling man. We had 2 children. After I had our second child, he made me quit my job and stay at home to take care of the kids. He had control of every aspect of our lives, from bank accounts and everything financial to grocery shopping and bill paying.

Anytime I asked about anything financial, I would get yelled at and mentally and verbally abused. In late 2007, I decided I had enough and started to look for a job that would allow me to leave him with my children. I couldn't get a job because nobody was hiring. That year was the start of a huge decline in California due to the bursting of the housing financial bubble. So, I was stuck. My mental and physical health began declining because the situation was so bad. I tried to hide everything from my kids by pretending to be happy. I got so good at hiding myself that my friends and family never knew the true extent of my situation until after I moved to Italy.

For 4 years, I hid. I felt like I was living in a movie because the reality was too bad to deal with. My real life husband lived his life and I lived mine. I found mental escape in books and by participating in online BDSM groups. I became a mentor and adviser to many newbies because of my previous experiences and training. Of course, I still did all of the mom things in real life, but towards the end, that too started suffering.

Now, picking up where I left off. I had been in a serious, online relationship with Padrone for about 4 months when I started finding out about my husband's criminal activities. He had been taking money from people for construction jobs and not completing them. He had also been taking large amounts of money from investors to build houses in other states but they never got built. When I confronted him about it, he became enraged and half destroyed the home office.

I told Padrone about it and he gave me advice on how to handle it. He was the only person in the world that knew the entire situation and the only one that helped me keep my sanity in check. He was the only one that knew the REAL me. I had nobody else that I could trust. My patience with everything was very short and even my relationship with my kids started suffering. 

(for "The Real Me" listen from 2:10)

 

I felt like I was drowning....

There is much more to come of our story and I will post the second part soon. Make sure you stay connected to see the next part! 

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Post title: " A Real BDSM Fairy Tail Come True - Part 1 "