This week on BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday, we discuss 'Brats/SAMs', 'Taken in Hand relationships', and 'Secret BDSM Groups'.
Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."
Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.
Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!
Unfortunately, your article is pretty much the only thing I could find about the topic. I believe this definitely falls under the BDSM umbrella, but it's difficult to find anything about it. There are plenty of resources for ropes and whips and chains, any plenty more for what I've come to think of as the caricature of BDSM roles. Hardly any resources, I'm afraid, for the more subtle side of BDSM that I think this topic touches on.
I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."
What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.
Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.
surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship
desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline
unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand
These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.
Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."
If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.
Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."
Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.
Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!
I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."
What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.
Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.
surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship
desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline
unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand
These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.
Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."
If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.
I hope you all found this week's topics informative once again. If you have anything you would like to ask me or questions you need advice on, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
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You might notice that Talk Tuesday is being posted on Wednesday this week.
It follows Thanksgiving weekend in the USA. We celebrated it here in Italy also with lots of cooking and eating! Real life has been hectic the past week with the holidays and decorating for Christmas. Sorry for being late, but I think the wait was worth it! This week's topic's cover "A Shy Submissive", "Broken Trust", and "Sub drop".
Question #1) "Being painfully shy and also a single submissive it is difficult to find the courage to get out and meet people like myself. I became a ghost writer to be able to tell my stories to the world and am just now trying my hand at Erotic Romance... Though I am computer savvy I don't care much for the BDSM online scene at all, with chat rooms being like one big feeding ground. Is there any hope for me? I am on Fetlife following the local groups, but haven't spoken to anyone yet. Any advice for me?"
If you want a real life experience or relationship, I suggest start looking for a local Munch in your area. If you are too shy to go on your own, ask a friend to go with you. If that's not an option, contact the Munch organizer, tell her/he you're new and ask if he/she could introduce you around and help you get comfortable.
If you are only wanting to stay online for now, I suggest finding and joining several submissive support and education groups. Stay, watch and see if it's the type of group you want to be involved in. When you are comfortable, start participating. Many of these groups are great ways to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle by reading the different Q&As in them.
For more information:
findamunch.com/
www.submissiveguide.com/2011/12/the-secret-of-communicating-when-you-are-shy/
Question #2) "I am writing you because I need guidance and behavior tips and overall help. I'm totally new to dom/sub lifestyle . I have recently started dating my adorable dom and he was very honest from the beginning and explained that he was interested in a sub lady .. At first didn't know what he was talking about when I researched I was totally amused thinking that that is what I been looking for in alll my failed relationships.. We talked and I told him that I am willing to explore my sub side and so far we great !!! Now few weeks ago my ex was in a messed up situation and he asked mi to stay in my house for few days ..I did agree but never consulted my dom ..Now he refused to leave an broke the door ....I explained what happened to my dom. And he went mad and saying that u have disrespected him and he has lost all the trust he had in me. we really care for each other and I can see him as my long term dom. The incident with my ex is all resolved as I called the police an he left.:... My prob now is that I really want to show my dom that I am his ....I belong to him I always did. I was only trying to help someone. Just want to be the woman he needs and for him see me as the woman he wants. How can I achieve it?"
The first mistake was not telling your Dom about your ex staying at your house. Whether in a BDSM or vanilla relationship, this omission is considered lying. Without trust and honesty, there can be no relationship. The first thing you should have done before agreeing to anything was to tell your Dominant the situation and ask his permission for the ex to stay. When you didn't ask his permission and hid the situation completely, you broke the trust. I don't have any magic answers or advice for this situation, unfortunately. It's completely up to your Dom to decide if he wants to take a second chance on a relationship with you. If he does or if you enter into a new D/s relationship, make sure that you have all rules, protocols and limits written down in a formal contract so you each know what to expect from the other. If you ever have a doubt on whether to ask your Dom something or not, always ask him. It's better to ask than hide something. Good luck either way.
For further information:
bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2014/05/when-bdsm-relationship-ends.html
bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2012/12/foundations-of-ds-relationship-softer.html
bdsmunveiled.com/2013/01/undesirable-traits-in-submissives.html
Question #3) "How to recognize sub drop when it is occurring and how to deal when one is alone with sub drop because their Dom can't physically be there for them."
Sub Drop can come in many different forms. Sub Drop is the emotional and physical effects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session. Since the increase of hormones and chemicals has produced a trance-like state (subspace), as play ends the submissive may feel out-of-body, detached from reality. As the sub's system stops producing morphine-like drugs, and as the nervous system kicks in again, the sub may feel a deep exhaustion, a sharp drop in temperature, as well as incoherence and uncoordinated.You could feel like you have a hangover or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.
There are a few things that you can do to help you get through this time, should you experience it.
I hope you enjoyed this week's topics. If you have additional information you want to share, please leave a comment below!
If you have a question you want answered or a situation you need advice on, please send me an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
It follows Thanksgiving weekend in the USA. We celebrated it here in Italy also with lots of cooking and eating! Real life has been hectic the past week with the holidays and decorating for Christmas. Sorry for being late, but I think the wait was worth it! This week's topic's cover "A Shy Submissive", "Broken Trust", and "Sub drop".
Question #1) "Being painfully shy and also a single submissive it is difficult to find the courage to get out and meet people like myself. I became a ghost writer to be able to tell my stories to the world and am just now trying my hand at Erotic Romance... Though I am computer savvy I don't care much for the BDSM online scene at all, with chat rooms being like one big feeding ground. Is there any hope for me? I am on Fetlife following the local groups, but haven't spoken to anyone yet. Any advice for me?"
If you want a real life experience or relationship, I suggest start looking for a local Munch in your area. If you are too shy to go on your own, ask a friend to go with you. If that's not an option, contact the Munch organizer, tell her/he you're new and ask if he/she could introduce you around and help you get comfortable.
If you are only wanting to stay online for now, I suggest finding and joining several submissive support and education groups. Stay, watch and see if it's the type of group you want to be involved in. When you are comfortable, start participating. Many of these groups are great ways to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle by reading the different Q&As in them.
For more information:
findamunch.com/
www.submissiveguide.com/2011/12/the-secret-of-communicating-when-you-are-shy/
The first mistake was not telling your Dom about your ex staying at your house. Whether in a BDSM or vanilla relationship, this omission is considered lying. Without trust and honesty, there can be no relationship. The first thing you should have done before agreeing to anything was to tell your Dominant the situation and ask his permission for the ex to stay. When you didn't ask his permission and hid the situation completely, you broke the trust. I don't have any magic answers or advice for this situation, unfortunately. It's completely up to your Dom to decide if he wants to take a second chance on a relationship with you. If he does or if you enter into a new D/s relationship, make sure that you have all rules, protocols and limits written down in a formal contract so you each know what to expect from the other. If you ever have a doubt on whether to ask your Dom something or not, always ask him. It's better to ask than hide something. Good luck either way.
For further information:
bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2014/05/when-bdsm-relationship-ends.html
bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2012/12/foundations-of-ds-relationship-softer.html
bdsmunveiled.com/2013/01/undesirable-traits-in-submissives.html
Question #3) "How to recognize sub drop when it is occurring and how to deal when one is alone with sub drop because their Dom can't physically be there for them."
There are a few things that you can do to help you get through this time, should you experience it.
- Recognize what it is. This is important, if you don't accept it for what it is, then you can talk yourself into a much worse state.
- Keep in contact with your play partner, tell them how you are feeling and seek reassurance from them that all is well. We all need to hear that we did good and that our partners enjoyed the scene as much as we did.
- Pamper yourself. Spend the day doing things you really enjoy. Long hot bubble bathes, manicures/pedicure, get your hair done. Anything that is going to help you feel better about yourself.
- Eat well and drink plenty of fluids. Your body is still in recovery process, so feed it well.
- Talk to someone who understands what you are going through. Find someone who can listen without judging and let it all out. If you need to cry do so, it's therapeutic.
For further reading:
I hope you enjoyed this week's topics. If you have additional information you want to share, please leave a comment below!
If you have a question you want answered or a situation you need advice on, please send me an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
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This week's topics are "Dominant's checking a submissive's tasks", "Am I submissive or slave", and "Talking during sex".
Question #1) "Should a Dom check with the submissive if the chore list is done or is it the subs responsibility to check in?"
It depends on the couple. Some Dominants like to micromanage their subs and inspect every part of the chore just to ensure it's done to satisfaction. Others don't trust their subs enough to believe them that they completed all tasks. Some submissives are lazy and really try to get away with cheating or taking shortcuts. These types of submissives need to be micromanaged because they are not trustworthy.
I believe that once trust is built and time together has passed that the submissive will prove herself trustworthy and the Dominant will know that she has done all the tasks as expected or better.
For more information, please read the following links:
http://bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2014/04/tasks-and-duties-of-submissive.html
http://bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/09/how-to-be-perfect-house-wife.html
Question #2) "Can you tell me if I'm a submissive or a slave?"
I do live as a consensual slave with my Master. I have been in the BDSM lifestyle for 23 yrs as both sub and slave. I also mentor people new to the lifestyle. So, speaking from my experience, only you can determine if being a slave is right for you. If someone tells you that you have to be a slave, it is not consensual, therefore not real BDSM, just abuse. You should also understand that many people have different definitions of what a slave is, their rules, protocols and boundaries. It’s up to you and your Dominant to determine what those are. If you fight your Dominant on many things, then you really do not sound like a slave at heart, but could be submissive.
There are many ways to be a submissive as well. I recommend you reading my blog www.bdsmunveiled.com as well as www.submissiveguide.com to further your understanding on subs and slaves. The more you read and research, the more knowledge you gain. If your Dominant keeps saying he wants a slave, but you really aren't slave material, then you need a new Dom. A Dominant is someone that is supposed to guide and nourish you. He should never push or demand that you be something you aren't. If he does, he is not a real dominant, but only a bully or abuser. So, please reevaluate your situation and do some soul searching after you read more about submissives and slaves and what exactly the different roles entail.
Question #3) "I have a problem i need some help with. My girlfriend and I have a happy exciting sex life but I'm not much of a "talker" while we are goin' at it. I know this bugs her. She says I'm like a ninja silent but deadly. I have tried and I think I sound stupid doing so I start laughing putting a damper on the mood. Any ideas what I can do to talk the talk while I'm walking the walk."
Implement a Dominant/sub playtime before actual penetration. Tell her she can't talk and if she does spank her before resuming. Be dominant and instruct her in different ways to undress, masturbate, touch her body. All without touching her first. Maintain a very authoritative voice. Tie her hands and put her on her knees. Tell her to remain silent and call her yours as you have sex. Tell her that her pussy is your property. Things like this should help.
For more information, please read the following links:
I hope you found the above topics interesting. If you have any further comments or suggestions, please leave a comment! We love hearing from you.
If you have questions or want to be a part of Talk Tuesday, send us an email at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com!
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This week, I'm addressing 'How to get through the holidays without a BDSM partner', 'Advice for an LDR of two switches', and lastly ''A very confused couple that likes kink'.
Question #1) "I am new to the BDSM scene but I have a boyfriend in Australia that is also my pet/Master... Is there any advice you or your master want to impart? I'm mostly a Dom. but sometimes I enjoy my pet taking control and owning me... We are both switch."
This is a very broad question, so I can only give a broad answer. Since you are new, I encourage you to read many different books and web sites on the multiple ways you can practice a BDSM lifestyle. This way, you can learn more about the Dominants and submissive types and see where you are comfortable when you are in that role. You will both want to explore your limits, so you should find and fill out a Limits Worksheet. There are many available online. I encourage you to fill out a BDSM Contract as well. It should detail rules, punishments, protocols, and limits for each of you for both roles, since you are both switches.
Remember to always keep an honest two-way communication between you and whenever a problem arises, to bring it up as soon as possible and not let it wait and fester. Never think you have read or learned everything in BDSM because there is always something new or a different way of thinking that comes up.
Here are some recommended links for further reading on the above topic:
Online BDSM Relationships
Foundations of a BDSM Relationship
Differences in BDSM Relationships
Question #2) "Here in the US it will be Thanksgiving in a little more than a week and of course Christmas and New Years are right around the corner. Have you any suggestions on how Submissives (especially those still seeking a Dominant) can address getting through the holiday blues that sometimes happens when you are alone?"
This is a question that can apply to vanilla and BDSMers both. From a BDSM standpoint, I would suggest trying to find one or more Munches to go to around your area. There, you can possibly make friends and exchange contact information with other like-minded people. Another resource to utilize would be the internet. Many people in the Lifestyle are in online groups and might be alone as well. If you are friends with them and neither of you have plans, think about using a free online video messaging program to talk together while you eat or just relax at home.
If you are in the mood to play and don't mind playing with strangers, find a reputable BDSM club in your area. Even if you aren't in the mood to hook up or scene, you might find a friend to talk to during the holidays.
Here are some recommended links for further reading on the topic:
Find a Munch
Local BDSM Communities
Question #3) "Would you help me please understand which sub I am and understand my guys dominance please. I'm very new to this type of relationship and my closed mindedness still sees it as bullying not erotic (my guy had never told me that he likes this type of sex but does it when we're having sex).
 |
| Switch Pride Flag |
He loves wrestling me (I initiated that), punching my stomach (he lets me do it back to him), choking me, slapping me which causes me in defense and gut reaction to slap him back (he says he wants me to slap him back) pinning me down and calling me a bitch saying "this is how you treat a bitch", thrusting hard into me while saying "this is how you control a bitch, this is how a pimp marks his terriority, this is how you claim a bitch"
I love wrestling him (being succumbed by power), punching him back (shows that I'm actually of equal power to him), being riden hard (passionate, no holding back sex) being told he's claiming me (not as claiming but more like the true blood "sookie is mine" statement. Someone thinks you're worth protecting and claiming as their own and noone elses)
I really despise the "bitch" name calling and the pinning me down while saying "this is how you treat a bitch". I hate the humiliating and degrading side of submission. He gets frustrated explaining to me that when he says "bitch" he means it as an attitude (he knows I'm not a bitch) and because he says he's role playing it doesn't mean anything. Its true that he doesn't do any of those things unless he is wanting sex from me. He's actually respectful and attentive other times.
Is this just a normal bdsm relationship behaviour or is this behaviour i should be worried about. Can you help me understand his "bitch" roleplaying from his point of view so I can understand him better please?"
This question came to me through my Goodreads page. I have to preface this by saying the profile that posted this in the comments section, as well as the one right above it, were both just opened in November 2014 with no previous activities other than comments on an old post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?' I have my doubts about this being a genuine comment, but as I am an adult and take all questions seriously, I will answer it to the best of my knowledge.
Now, as far as classifications, from your post, neither you or your partner are submissives. I would classify you both as Sadomasochistic Switches in role playing scenarios. Being new, you need to read and research S&M scenes as well as role play to gain more knowledge about them. You should also both read more about the basics of BDSM and learn the different roles, as well as the most often used terminology.
Once you have more knowledge, you both should complete a limits list detailing what you will do, won't do, and what you might want to try. I also suggest writing an informal contract in which you agree when and where you will be in your roles, types of punishments agreed upon, rules, protocols, and Limits. With a contract, you will both be on the same page and it will help you both be clear on the other's position.
Here are some recommended links for further reading on the topic:
BDSM Contracts
BDSM Limits
General Guideline for Dominants
I hope you enjoyed this week's questions for Talk Tuesday! Please feel free to extend the conversion by leaving your own comments below!
If you have any questions you would like answered, please send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com!
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Today's questions span a variety of subjects, from 'what a Dominant is' to 'how to find a mentor'.
Be sure to read the links that I have listed after each question to become more informed about each of today's topics.
This is a question that could be answered in many ways, depending on who you ask. First, let's address what exactly a Professional Dominant is. These are people who are Dominants for hire. They dominate people, have sessions with them, for a price. You usually see more women (Mistresses) than men in these types of roles.
Now, to address the difference between a Dominant and a Master. A dominant is a person that is in a role of authority over another person. This is a person that has a naturally dominant character. A dominant can be a male or female. They normally do not do it for money. They consider themselves Dominants instead of a Master because they have submissives and not slaves. They usually only dominate in the bedroom or certain parts of a sub's life, but not in every part of a sub's life.
A Master is someone that usually has years of experience and knowledge in the lifestyle. They have a submissive that is usually submissive 24/7 and many times consider the submissive to be a slave. They know their slave so deeply that many times they anticipate the needs of the slave without any words being said.
Many times, people can and will interchange the terms Dominant and Master. New people with no experience will call themselves Master just because they think they deserve the title. In my humble opinion, someone can't be a Master without ever having owned a slave, just as a submissive
Many times, people can and will interchange the terms Dominant and Master. New people with no experience will call themselves Master just because they think they deserve the title. In my humble opinion, someone can't be a Master without ever having owned a slave, just as a submissive
can't be a slave without ever having been owned and served a Master.
For further reading on related subjects:
Question #2) "My life all the time was one vanilla. Now since year and a half ago, I met a man and I fell in love with him. We spend time daily talking and talking. And he said that he wants to collar me and start training me. One of the hardest things (for me) is the he wants to own a slave, me.
Honestly I don't like the idea and it makes me feel sick. I can't see him with another woman and I can't imagine being with another woman touching or licking for real. But he desire that with me. We have a huge disagreement that day. The next day I told him that I used to masturbating me thinking on something like that and I said him that maybe I can do it for real... for him not for me.
Honestly I don't think I will feel happy with that .. and I don't know what to do, every time he said something about that I turn angry and upset. I need some kind of light in this moment. I will appreciate every word that you for me, all this Master/slave is so new for me and many things catch my attention a lot but this ones is hurting me a lot."
First, never do anything that you do not want to do. BDSM is all about Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If he demands you do something that is against your will, say no and walk away. Being a slave in BDSM is a complete consensual thing. It is solely the choice of the submissive to give their submission to a dominant. It does not mean that you really are owned like property. If you aren't comfortable with being a slave but you are intrigued by becoming a submissive, try that first. I strongly encourage you to read everything you can find about BDSM in general and concentrate on the role of a submissive.
Honestly I don't think I will feel happy with that .. and I don't know what to do, every time he said something about that I turn angry and upset. I need some kind of light in this moment. I will appreciate every word that you for me, all this Master/slave is so new for me and many things catch my attention a lot but this ones is hurting me a lot."
I recommend you read these websites in depth to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle:
www.submissiveguide.com
Question #3) "How does one find a mentor and what exactly are the duties of a mentor?"
Question #3) "How does one find a mentor and what exactly are the duties of a mentor?"
There are many ways to find a mentor in BDSM. Becoming friends online with someone that is known and has been involved in the Lifestyle for a long time. Also, going to munches and making friends might help you find a mentor.
In my opinion, a mentor is someone that will answer questions and concerns that you have and help guide you, but not lead you as a dom leads a sub. A good mentor will give you options to a problem and step back to allow you to choose the path you want to take. They will help you navigate the lifestyle but will not put you on a path.
In my opinion, a mentor is someone that will answer questions and concerns that you have and help guide you, but not lead you as a dom leads a sub. A good mentor will give you options to a problem and step back to allow you to choose the path you want to take. They will help you navigate the lifestyle but will not put you on a path.
Here are some helpful links for further reading:
I hope the questions above have helped broaden your knowledge in different BDSM topics. If you have a question you want me to address, email us at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
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This week I received many different types of emails asking various questions related to the BDSM Lifestyle.
Below are a group of questions that are somewhat related in topic, so these are the ones that I've chosen to share with you this week.
Question #1) "Many Submissives find themselves without dominants for one reason or another (release, death, or simply not clicking with any Dominant, etc.). How do you nurture your submission when there is no one to submit to?"
Many submissives are in this situation, especially those new to BDSM. While in-between relationships or waiting to connect with your first Dominant, you should always try to educate yourself more by reading books and websites about the Lifestyle, but mainly about the different types and ways to submit. You can gain a solid base knowledge of what BDSM offers and ensure that you have a very good grasp of your own expectations.
You can practice different submissive positions and become fluid and graceful in transitioning between them. You can ensure that you you have your limits list completed and that you understand all,of your limit. To feel closer to other submissives or just to be around the Lifestyle more, visit online submissive groups or go to munches in your area.
While these do not replace or fulfill the need to serve a Dominant in a submissive way, staying educated and furthering that knowledge can help you feel more connected to the BDSM community, as well as helping you attain a better overall understanding of what your own place in the Lifestyle may be.
For further reading on this topic:
Submissive or Slave Training
Question #2) "Now that the JDI Dating site has been found to be creating profiles in order to get people to buy premium introduction packages, what can Submissives do to keep themselves from being victims of fake profiles on BDSM sites?"
While I wish I had a revolutionary answer for this, I fall back to common sense and the old saying 'if it's too good to be true, it usually is'. The main pitfalls to watch out for are obvious ones such as a person not willing to give you their real name or show you a real picture of themselves. If their profile boasts about having many years of experience and having been with many submissives, ask yourself why they kept changing submissives? If they boast about or show pictures of things that cost a lot of money, be skeptical. True dominants never show off or boast about financial matters.
If the dominant gives you the feeling that they really don't have a clue as to what they are talking about compared to the experience they say they have, that is a huge red flag. If a person demands you call them Master or anything other than their name when you first meet them, that's another red flag! Titles and respect are earned over time, never demanded.
I know of a few people that have portrayed themselves very convincingly as dominants and was able to hide their true nature or identities online from some very smart women. But, in the end, the 'dom' slipped up and the submissive found out exactly what they were about.
Use your instincts and be as careful and observant as possible, but don't be paranoid. While there are many fake people and profiles online, there are just as many real ones out there waiting to connect.
For further information:
Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
Predators are Everywhere
Question #3) "Why is it that when I am to the point that I am strong enough to carry on without him he sends me a message (I miss you) and drags me back in? Why does it hurt so much trying to get through the day without hearing from him? I have been reading a lot about fake and wanna be DD's and I really feel like this is what he is but I love and care for him so much that it doesn't matter to me. Am I putting myself in danger still wanting a D/s relationship with him?"
I think you are infatuated with this man and and will put up with almost anything from him just to hang on to a relationship in order to not be alone. Many women have an intense fear of being alone or growing older without a partner. You know the type of relationship you want and deserve. You should not compromise 75% of your expectations just to stay with someone that isn't worth all the effort you are putting forth. As far as being hurt, I don't see any other outcome from what you have told me. I see emotional and mental anguish during the course of the relationship and much more at the end.
I would advise you to end the relationship, block all contact with him and move forward. It's scary and hard, but I think it would be in your best interest.
If you have any questions that you would like me to answer, send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
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Hello and happy Tuesday everyone! It's time again for Talk Tuesday!
I've picked two very interesting questions once again that I think will help further your own journeys into the BDSM Lifestyle.
I believe in safety first. If you meet someone online, you should get to know the real them before meeting them in person. If someone refuses to show you a picture of their real face or tell you their real name, there is probably much more they are hiding. I'm not saying everyone is like that, but if someone likes you enough online that they want to meet in person, there should be no problem with telling you their real name, phone number, and the type of car they drive.
As far as time, it all depends on individual people. If you meet someone and you just connect, you know some of the same online people that can verify the character and real identity of the person, then maybe all you need is a month. For others, they are much slower and more cautious and meet years after first speaking online together.
Above all, follow you instincts. Make sure if you have any reservations at all, that you don't meet the person before you are comfortable. Always make sure you leave the meeting place, person's name and telephone number, and any other relevant information with a friend just in case.
Here are some links for more information on this subject:
First Meetings: Cyber to Real Life
Predators are Everywhere: Beware
A Tale of Caution for Cyber BDSM
Question #2) "OK I'm a male and in the bedroom I'm a sub and my partner is my mistress/wife. We like strap-on play gags whips ect. But biggest thing we like to do is I wear lingerie like bra, panties, stockings, garter but thats all no makeup, heels or anything further than that. But I guess the kicker is that I wear women's panties outside the bedroom 24/7 I love them they are more comfortable than boxers I won't ever go back. Anyways wearing panties outside the bedroom do I have a different sexual status I guess it would be called straight/bisexual ect. I'm a straight man though I do like receiving anal play from a form of strap-on tried reading up on it can't find anything on it, other than men wearing panties is becoming more popular."
You would probably amazed at how many straight men I have met or heard from with similar situations. They have no sexual interest in other men, have no interest in cross dressing or wanting to becomes a transgender. They are confused as to why they like having a strap-on used by a female to receive anal play. They dress in women's lingerie for they pleasure it brings them to follow the requests of their female partners. And many of them love the humiliation that can come from that. What they don't know is that they are male submissives and some are also masochists. I think in the bedroom you are a masochistic submissive.
Although it is definitely a different path from what society considers 'normal', don't stress about it. If you and your partner are comfortable and happy, then keep doing what you're doing.
Helpful links for more information:
Men wearing Women's Underwear Fetish
Underwear Fetishism
Remember that you can send me your questions anytime by emailing me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com! Come back next Tuesday for another round of BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday!
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