Michelle Fegatofi

When I finally voiced my cravings, I didn't know what to think 

I stood there for many weeks, right on the brink. 

Not really understanding the feelings I felt inside 

Knowing I could no longer bury them and hide. 

These needs I had couldn't possibly be normal

Society teaches us that sex is supposed to be formal. 

Craving to be on my knees, 

Serving a Master and wanting to please.

Desires for spankings and to do as I was told

But could I find the courage and be that bold? 

After much research and conversation with others like me, 

I found out there was a huge community! 

Honesty and respect I learned from them 

Are the foundations of a lifestyle called BDSM.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I Am A Submissive Woman

i find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive

to my Master in a loving relationship.

i am not weak or stupid. i am a strong woman,

with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of my life.

i do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

i will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never

will i be more complete than when He is with me.

i know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul

with His strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him.

His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.

Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy…

His punishments may be harsh, but i accept them thankfully,

knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.

If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him

and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness.

However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of O/our relationship.

The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt,

those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am.

No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes,

and because of that i hold my head high.

If He says i am His precious jewel,

then i am that…a beautiful, sparkling gem.

If He says that i am His pet, His slut, His whore, then i am that..

as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be.

My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can.

i have no secrets from Him… for secrets are a thing that would

keep me from being more perfectly His.

Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…

and i do not want walls.

His lessons are not always ones i would seek on my own,

but they are lessons He has decided that i need, and so i learn from Him.

My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be

when i kneel naked at His feet.

Never a moment goes by when i do not feel His presence,

be He miles away or standing over me.

If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul,

worse punishment than any lashes could be.

The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him

is harder to bear than any physical anguish i feel.

i am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend

His time and energy so freely on me.

i have the easier job, to feel, to experience,

to let myself go and abandon everything to Him.

i am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously .

i am a submissive woman.

i am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that i do not give lightly,

and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to my Master who has that strength, will i give myself fully,

because i am strong and proud.

i am a submissive woman.

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Michelle Fegatofi

With the flood of new people coming online and trying to learn about the world of BDSM, there has been a lot of confusion from many new submissives about what behavior is normal and what is abusive.

When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual. 

Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.

Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.

I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.

Silence

This can come in two main forms:

(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused. 

(B) Silence as punishment. Silence, or ignoring a submissive for punishment, is considered by some Dominants as an acceptable form of punishment. But a growing movement in many BDSM circles considers this to be a form of emotional abuse. A Dominant should know that a submissive will already punish themselves harsher and longer than their Dominant will if they make mistakes. Pleasing a Dominant and having him/her show pride in their submissive is one of the greatest pleasures a sub receives. If the Dominant ignores the sub to teach them a lesson, it only teaches them to feel alone, stupid and unworthy on top of whatever mental punishment they usually inflict on themselves. 

Extensive Punishment

Most submissives get punished for various reasons from time to time. Some need more punishment than others while others crave punishment and try to trick the Dominant into it by being brats. If you are not a brat but get punished for every little mistake instead of the mistake being corrected at first, then this could be a form of mental abuse. If you constantly feel unworthy, stupid and unwanted because of the way and frequency your Dominant punishes you, then you need to step back from the relationship and look at it closer to determine if it is something you wish to continue with.

Manipulative Behavior

If your Dominant uses language or phrases in order to force you to perform an action against your will, that is mental abuse. An example could be telling the submissive they are a bad sub if they don't send naked pictures to their Dominant. 

Threatening to End the Relationship

If a Dominant consistently uses the threat of ending the relationship for almost any reason, that is emotional and mental abuse. This is not something that should ever be used unless the Dom or sub is absolutely sure they want to leave the relationship. 

Fear

Any threat or punishment that keeps the submissive in an almost constant state of fear is emotional abuse. If a Dominant is using fear to keep a submissive in line or in a relationship, the submissive should leave that relationship as soon as possible. In BDSM, there is good and bad fear. But to use fear against your submissive as a form of control constitutes abuse.

If you experience any of the above items, in any type of form, I urge you to step back and evaluate your relationship with your Dominant. Make sure you are not trapped in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, isolation, or unhappiness. Being in a real BDSM or D/s relationship should make you feel wanted, appreciated, and not alone.

Afterthoughts:

After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need. 

Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship

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Michelle Fegatofi

If you are new to the lifestyle or find yourself confused at times and reverting back and forth between BDSM and vanilla life, the following post should help you.

I have gotten many emails lately asking for advice on how to spice up or restart a D/s or M/s relationship. There have been many couples that start exploring the BDSM lifestyle after one of the partners had read an erotica book talking about the subject.

Here is an evolution of new couples entering into the BDSM lifestyle and what I have observed in talking to many different couples that approach me seeking advice. A couple will start playing with toys and move into bondage and start experimenting with various levels of S&M. By this time, they get a feel of who is more dominant and submissive. They assume one of the roles and start getting deeper into the D/s (mental and psychological) part of BDSM. During the first 3-6 months, the couple is very committed and focused on setting up their own rules, limits, punishments, etc. After a while, they start slacking off on punishments, rules, or playtime and have many periods of a vanilla relationship. The submissive usually is the first one to complain about the lessening of her rules or the change or lack of interest from the Dominant in making sure that she is following his set standards.

There are many reasons that this can happen. One party might not be as into it as they were at first because it takes work and discipline to keep up and maintain a true D/s or M/s relationship. Life events might throw many obstacles in the way and the relationship takes a back seat. Changes in feelings from one or both partners can also contribute to the slacking off of a D/s relationship.

In some cases, it is the submissive that changes the relationship. In today's society with work, children, and the general consensus of the population, it can be hard for a submissive, especially females to maintain a submissive mind. At work and at home, they are often tasked with leading or problem solving on their own, which leads to a more dominant state of mind.

Now, how can you combat these issues and maintain a somewhat consistent BDSM relationship while working, taking care of kids, and dealing with today's beliefs in popular society? There are many ways to keep a submissive mind and to stay focused on the D/s or M/s part of your relationship.

The number one rule is that you both have to be committed. One person can't stay in the Dominant or submissive state of mind while the other one is thinking vanilla. When you are together, you have to become used to automatically assuming the role of Dom or sub. After a while and consciously focusing on your role and responsibilities within that role, it will become habit or second nature to you.

As a submissive, there are several things you can do to help put yourself in or maintain a submissive state of mind. I suggest meditating every day when you first wake up or taking 10 minutes before your Dominant comes home to ready your mind. This can be especially helpful when you have been working all day or at home taking care of children.

During the day, most people work and aren't together. Utilizing technology such as cell phones, text messages, Instant messenger, GPS and cameras, you as a Dominant can maintain a sense of power over your sub throughout the day. This will give you a continuous feeling of your domination but also help your submissive maintain a secure feeling as well as a submissive state of mind. In a previous post, I go into great detail on utilizing technology.

One other mistake that I see many couples new to the lifestyle making quite often is by incorporating too many types of toys into a play session. While we all love our toys, sometimes using too many ones in a session can make the sub confused and uncomfortable. In some cases, it can make the sub feel disconnected to the Dominant, like he really isn't interested in her but just going through the motions. If this sounds like your relationship, take out the toys and get back to basics.

You might be surprised at how something so simple can bring a couple back together and back into the D/s or M/s harmony they seek.

What do you think about it? Comment and share this article on your social media accounts or email it to a friend! 

Difficulties In Maintaining a True D/s Relationship

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Michelle Fegatofi

What do we do when we know we are submissive, yet we sometimes feel rebellious inside? From one side, you think to yourself that this feeling isn't normal. As a submissive, you should feel happy to serve and perform any task or command your Dominant gives you. Right? Wrong.

First, you have to realize that even if you identify yourself as a slave, you are still a human being first. You still have the feelings, morals, likes and dislikes you had before you agreed to submit to someone. Just because you agreed to submit does not mean you became a mindless puppet of that Dominant. Most Dominants want a person with a mind of their own that chooses to submit to them of their own free will. They don't want a doormat. When you choose to submit, hopefully you did so with the knowledge of what would be expected of you. If you are brand new, your potential Dominant should set down with you and explain what he is looking for and made sure that both of your outlooks, wants and needs would be met if you decided to pursue a BDSM relationship.

Second, it's completely normal to feel reluctant sometimes to perform tasks you know are required of you. One day you might wake up in a bad mood and are grumpy all day. The key to those kind of days is to focus on how happy it makes you feel to make your Dominant proud and to see his smile. There will be things you dread doing, like certain types of house work or running daily errands. But, as a submissive/slave, it's your duty to make sure those things are done. Now realize, I'm talking about performing routine tasks while you are in good health. Not performing or completing tasks when you are not well, is something different. Your Dominant should be lenient and understanding if you are too sick or have some real reason for not performing as you normally do. But remember, don't claim sickness just because you want to be lazy. That would be very deceitful and Dominants don't want lazy slaves.

What do you do if there is a task that you regularly perform and do not like or have good reasons to be uncomfortable with? Ask your dominant for time to sit down with him and to speak freely. Make sure you have good reasons and have formulated a credible argument for changing or not continuing that task. You must remain respectful and don't get defensive or whiney while speaking to him. If you come across as whiney or just being a brat, your Dominant most likely will not make any changes.

If you work outside the home and have trouble switching back to a submissive mentality when you get back home, there are steps you can try to help make that transition. If you drive or travel alone, tame that time to recite a mantra, play relaxing music or develop a routine to help make the transition from working woman to submissive. Another way is to take 15 minutes out for yourself as soon as you get home. Don't greet or speak with anyone. Go directly to your room, change clothes, put on your collar, and meditate. This will help you relax from a hard day's work while putting you in a submissive mood.

Now it's time to move in a different direction. What does it mean if you constantly feel unrest and reluctance to perform even the most basic of your normal submissive tasks? The first thing you should ask yourself is if you really have the desire and need to be a submissive. The second question to ask yourself is if you trust your dominant and want to continue to submit to him? If you answer yes to both of these questions, then you have to do some very deep soul searching and ask what is making you reluctant to submit to him? What's changed?

If you answered No to either question, you should talk to your dominant about scaling back the D/s part of your relationship until you, or both of you, can figure out if a D/s relationship is right for you and if it's wise to continue down that path.

So remember, feeling rebellious or reluctant sometimes, while in a submissive mood, is normal. But if you feel that way often, I urge you to reevaluate your situation and submission.

If you have any thoughts, comments, or ideas that you think might help others, please leave them below!

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Michelle Fegatofi

I was asked by a reader if it's normal for them to be afraid of their Dominant most of the time.

She said that he used fear as means to control her. I advised her that fear is not normal in an everyday situation, but can enhance scenes or sexual play if used in a responsible way.

Fear as it pertains to BDSM is a complicated topic. People in the vanilla world hear the words "I fear punishment" from a submissive, and take it automatically to mean "I fear retribution from my abuser". There is a huge difference between those two statements and situations. First, a submissive should and normally does fear punishment. Not just for the physical pain caused if the punishment is a corporal one, but for the emotional feeling of having displeased their Dominant. The submissive should never fear their Dominant will really hurt them. The second statement implies an abusive relationship in which the person fears for their lives and fears permanent physical harm. In the first situation, consent has been given from the submissive to the Dominant to punish if necessary. In the second situation, consent was not given and the retribution is not wanted. 

D/s relationships can create a closeness that vanilla relationship doctors would label "unhealthy" or "co-dependent". Some couples prefer to have extremely close, blended relationships and others prefer more distant partnerships. Attempting to have a close relationship with someone that is looking for a more distant one is a recipe for failure. Naturally, kinky people span this spectrum as much as vanillas. However, couples which identify themselves as Master/slave, owner/property, or even simply monogamous Dom/sub, tend to create their own world together, instead of a merely existing separately but maintaining a love connection.

Any sub or slave that is terrified and/or scared of their Dom is not in a BDSM relationship; they are in an abusive relationship. If you do something wrong and know there is going to be consequences and are prepared to accept them, that is a normal part of BDSM. But, if you are constantly walking on egg shells out of fear of doing something wrong, leave the relationship as fast as you can! You should do things for your Dom out of love, adoration and respect; but never out of shear terror. 

A true Dom will earn your respect before even considering taking you on as a sub/slave. You should receive some sort of affirmation from your Dom, at least periodically such as "you please Me" or "you are doing well in your role as My sub/slave". I do realize that there are relationships where the slave is nothing more than a possession, but the sub/slave still must respect their Dom and do things out of a respect, not fear. 

Fear, when felt, causes an adrenaline rush in the human body. This can make a person feel stronger, more aware of their environment, and even sexually aroused. Fear, when used in this manner, can indeed create a greatly satisfying encounter for the people involved. In this situation, fear is not detrimental. It is a heightening of responses in the participants. Within BDSM, a submissive may fear something new that they have not tried before, fear their own reactions to things, and fear the unknown. Take anyone and tie them up securely, blindfold them, and either lessen or remove their ability to hear, and the person will feel fear. This fear should not detract from the situation, but instead it should enhance it. 

Remember, a BDSM relationship is not an abusive relationship. A Dom may "use and abuse" Their sub/slave just because they want to, but if she/he is constantly terrified of their Dom, they are in an abusive relationship. Trust your instincts. If you are afraid to be alone, just remember, there are plenty of true Doms out there and it's better to be alive in order to look for a true Dom, than end up hurt by an abusive person.

Let me hear your thoughts on the subject! Comment below! 

BDSM: Good and Bad Fear

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Michelle Fegatofi

I promised to give you all a sneak preview of the Table of Contents for my new book, Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within.
I'm very proud to announce it here today! Let me know what you think! Look for more updates as the release date draws nearer!

Let me hear your thoughts on the content. Leave your comments below! 

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Michelle Fegatofi

This was taken from Helen B. Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood, published by Pacific Press in 1965.

The course was designed to teach women how to be happy in marriage.

I posted an article a couple of months ago about being a 1950s style Housewife in today's world and thought this article would fit perfectly as a second installment.

GET YOUR WORK DONE

Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.

HAVE DINNER READY

Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

PREPARE YOURSELF

Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER

Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.

PREPARE THE CHILDREN

Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.

MINIMIZE ALL NOISE

Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system.

BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM

Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.

SOME DON'TS

Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day. Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.

MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE

Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind.

LISTEN TO HIM

You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later.

MAKE THE EVENING HIS

Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain.

THE GOAL

Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.

What do you think? As submissive women, do you agree with any of what is said? What do you do differently? I do believe in a lot of the things it says, but know that in reality a lot of the tips presented in 1965 can not be incorporated in today's family setting.

Let me hear your thoughts! Comment below!

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