Michelle Fegatofi

A couple of months ago during a Question and Answer session with a BDSM author in a Facebook group, he kept saying that roles and relationships in BDSM are an illusion, especially that of a BDSM slave or M/s relationship.

Many of us that actually live everyday life as a BDSM slave took great offense to this. How can someone that is a self proclaimed Dominant say that? Where is it written that someone else's reality is defined by others that have no clue as to how other people live?

Before I continue, I want to make sure that you understand the definitions of certain key words. An illusion is defined as something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality. Reality is defined as a state of things as they actually exist or a real thing or fact. 

In the BDSM Lifestyle, I define a BDSM consensual slave as a submissive that is in a very deep form of submission to a Dominant (normally called a Master/Mistress). They are normally in a real life, long term BDSM relationship. They trust their Dominant so deeply that they willingly have given up all rights to make any decisions. While they may discuss things with the Dominant on various subjects, all final decisions are made by the Dom. Even if they work outside the home, there is no such thing as a non-BDSM day. If you would like to read and gain a deeper understanding of some of the differences between a submissive and a BDSM slave, read my earlier post here. 

Slavery is defined as a state of subjugation or captivity against a person's free will. History is full of examples of slavery predating written history up to the United States in the 1800's. We have all read about the horrors inflicted on these peoples. The main difference you have to understand between a BDSM slave and one from history is that a BDSM slave gives up their rights to one person of their own free will (consensual) and a slave from ancient times did not. 

The argument was made that a person can not be a BDSM slave in reality because slavery is illegal. He went on to say that if a real person was a slave, the Master/Mistress could sell, beat, damage or even kill that slave without any consequences of the law. This is why he calls BDSM slaves and Master/slave relationships an illusion. My question is who says the definition for the words slave and slavery can't be adapted or added on to as many other words have been over the years?

Those of us, myself included, that do define themselves as a BDSM slave and our relationship as a Master/slave relationship see it as reality, not illusion. For three years, I have proudly worn the slave collar my Padrone (Master) put on my neck to show the world that yes, I am owned by Him. While there are certain similarities to ancient slavery, such as showing ownership by a collar and the titles of slave and Master, BDSM slavery is not anything like real slavery of old.

As a BDSM slave, all decisions made for me by my Padrone are done so out of a deep level of love, respect and understanding. The very foundation of a Master/slave relationship is trust, open communication, and honesty. Is the love he has for me an illusion? Is the fact that I do follow his rules and guidelines every day without question an illusion? How about the fact that I trust him and his wisdom so completely that I never say no to anything he asks of me? Are these illusions? No. They are reality. My life, our life, is definitely reality, not illusion.

In various previous blog posts, I have talked about my own life as a real life 24/7 slave, different types of submissives, titles and classifications in BDSM, as well as traits of a submissive. I always begin or end them with the clarification that these are my own thoughts on the subject and that there are many other and diverse ways to view a particular subject. I have never said, and never will say, that anyone who's opinion differs from mine is an delusional or not living in reality, that what they think or believe is an illusion. Why? Because reality is real. My reality, my thoughts, are my own. My reality is not the same as yours. 

Just because you may not think or live the same way as the person next to you does not make their life or thoughts illusions. As we evolve and time passes, definitions of words do expand to encompass new meanings or even completely change. Remember that everyone's life is a different reality.

Share your thoughts and comments!

If you enjoyed this post, it made you feel or think differently, please share it on your Facebook, Google +, Twitter, Stumble Upon, and other social media accounts or email it to a friend! 

BDSM Consensual Slave: Illusion or Reality

Read more »

Post title: " BDSM Consensual Slave: Illusion or Reality "

Michelle Fegatofi

I was tagged in a post the other day over on Google + asking me for my input and thoughts on a blog classifying submissives into different categories.

The blogger wrote a disclaimer stating he didn't know everything and believed there are so many variations and ways to live, promote, and discuss the lifestyle that everyone will have a different opinion.

The discussion that ensued under the post was very interesting. One person said they refer to themselves as 'pet' because they abhor the word 'slave'. Another person said they did not believe in any references of classes or titles. That a 'true loving relationship can't be classified or measured'. In this, the writer was specifically referring to those in the lifestyle that classify their relationship as a 24/7 relationship or 'boast' about having this type of relationship and went on to state that he didn't care what the world called her, his partner was simply his.

Now, I have a different opinion. I am not saying that those that think differently than I do are wrong. I'm simply stating my opinion. I have many different thoughts on this subject. First is classifications. Do I like them? No. But, are they necessary? Yes. Why? Because I write, speak to, or advise many people from different countries, backgrounds, and levels of understanding about the BDSM Lifestyle. It's a tool that I use to help new people gain a better understanding of their own place in our world. They read many BDSM blogs and BDSM books and get confused. By using classifications such as differences in submissives, they can start to understand that there are many different ways to submit. In every post in which I speak on this, I clarify it by the statement "One can fit into many categories, so don't feel limited by a learning tool".

Now to address what has been termed as 'boasting a 24/7 relationship'. In my own case, it's not a boast, but a fact. I do live it all day and night and 7 days a week. How is this possible? I don't work outside the home. I do work in the field of BDSM. I'm lucky enough to be with my Padrone pretty much 24/7 and even go to work with him and hang out there all night when I'm not sick.

I do use the designation 24/7 slave when describing myself. Why? Because it is who I am and what I see myself as. It is my reality. It also helps other people that read my books or blogs connect to the lifestyle, have a point of reference of what 24/7 slave can really mean in a real life relationship, and at the same time give them another learning tool. If you think about your own life, we all need these types of tools/ titles/ classifications to help us understand the world we live in; To bring understanding to a new and possibly alien subject. Without classifications or titles, there would be chaos. And where there's chaos, there is no learning, enlightenment, or advancement.

At this point, a separate argument was made that promoting the lifestyle in this way was a wrong approach. That it gave self-proclaimed Doms or subs a platform to boast around and give 'lessons' to others. The writer said "I don't want to give lessons to anyone about what they are or how they should consider themselves. D/s is one subtle life discovery that everyone should discover for themselves".

I agree to a certain extent. The way I teach and approach the lifestyle is from one of self discovery. But, as I am approached by literally hundreds of people asking advice, it's one of the ways I can help them. People just discovering or finally admitting, that they have a craving towards BDSM want information. They need to know they aren't dirty, weird or depraved. My blog posts, as well as others on the internet, are a sort of validation that they are not sick or perverted. It's a relief to some and a revelation to others that yes there are more like me! The use of titles and classes is just a stepping stone for the newbies on their journey. And as in the vanilla lifestyle where people pretend to be what they are not, there will always be people that scream to the world they are Dominant or submissive. These are not real and I always point this out to my readers. A real Dominant or submissive doesn't feel the need nor do they want to scream the fact to the world at large.

So, just remember, no matter if you call or consider yourself a Master/Mistress/Sir/Madam/Daddy/Padrone/Maitre/Jarl or sub/slave/pet/babygirl/boy/kajira, they are just ways to help you understand yourself in a different way. There are many levels of submission and dominance. There are many types of D/s relationships. There are many ways you can classify your relationship or yourself. Some do not believe and do not use any titles or classifications. Others use them all the time. Some use them but say they don't believe in them.

There is no right or wrong. There is no correct classification that you have to fit into. It is what you make of it and what works for you and your partner. So, the next time you encounter a classification post or one about titles, whether you agree or not, it was worth the read if it made you think and learn just one more facet of what makes up the huge infinite world of BDSM.

Share this article on your Facebook, Google +, Twitter, Stumble Upon, and other social media accounts or email it to a friend! 

Titles & Classifications in BDSM

Read more »

Post title: " Titles & Classifications in BDSM "

Michelle Fegatofi

I get many emails asking me about expectations of being a submissive / slave, what types of tasks or duties they are expected to perform, and how do they best serve their Dominants.

This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.

Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.

Looking at the duties and expectations as a 24/7 slave, my primary function is to make my Padrone (Master) happy and to try to make his life easier in any way that I can. These duties include cleaning, running errands, cooking, massaging his feet, making coffee, snuggling, sharing every thought with him, listening to his ideas and brainstorming to help focus that idea. There are too many to name, but you can ascertain what they can include. Whatever will make him happy and relaxed is what I will do. The widely known secret about submissives is that when they make their Dominants happy, they are even happier. I know I am.

Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.

Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.

Do you have anything to say about it? Comment and share this article on your social media accounts or email it to a friend! 

Read more »

Post title: " Tasks and Duties of a Submissive "