In life we choose to walk different paths.
We might make a decision that takes us in a direction we never expected or we might make a wrong choice that leads us to a life we never wanted. But, you have to have the courage to choose a path, to make a choice. In life, it can be very scary to choose a path you've never walked before, do things that you've never done before, because you don't know the outcome. That is one of the things that makes life so wonderful to live. You never know what is around the next corner.
The journey into BDSM is very similar. There are many different styles, different forms and levels of submission, and different ways you can be dominate. One of the best things of this lifestyle is that it is ever-evolving. It's your own journey; one that you have to forge on your own or in conjunction with your partner. Once you have the basic knowledge, the possibilities are endless.
My blog, bdsmunveiled.com and many others similar to it, can guide you in different forms of the Lifestyle and inform you of how we, the writers of the blogs, live the lifestyle ourselves. We can educate you on types of play, different dynamics in relationships, toys, protocols, and many other subjects related to BDSM. It is ultimately up to the Dominate and submissive/slave to decide the dynamics, boundaries, rules and regulations of their own relationship.
The one thing you have to remember is you cannot be afraid of change. As with most things in life, relationships in BDSM can change and evolve, and hopefully yours will also. The more you learn and explore, the closer you will become to your partner and the further into submission you can get.
Some of the changes a person can go though from a loving BDSM M/s or D/s relationship is amazing. Readers have sent emails to me telling me about their own illnesses that have gotten better from living a 24/7 BDSM relationship. My own epilepsy has gotten much better over the past two years that I have been a 24/7 slave. With the right combination of rules, guidelines, and structure, it has allowed me to focus on my writing as well as to be delve deep into submission to my Padrone.
My own relationship with Padrone is ever evolving also. The longer we are together, we have grown closer. We have learned more about each other, our strengths and weaknesses, likes, morals, etc. which has allowed our own M/s relationship to deepen to a profound level.
There are items in every relationship that are steady and constant, but there are other items that are either additions or changes, such as rules, guidelines, or daily tasks around the house. The one constant that never changes and is a foundation is the trust, the love and the two way communication that we always have with each other. Those are completely 100 percent essential for any BDSM relationship to work.
So, what is the point to all this you may ask? My point is this. Be cautious in your journey, gather as much knowledge as you can, but be open to new and evolving experiences. you honestly never know what's around the next corner.
We might make a decision that takes us in a direction we never expected or we might make a wrong choice that leads us to a life we never wanted. But, you have to have the courage to choose a path, to make a choice. In life, it can be very scary to choose a path you've never walked before, do things that you've never done before, because you don't know the outcome. That is one of the things that makes life so wonderful to live. You never know what is around the next corner.
The journey into BDSM is very similar. There are many different styles, different forms and levels of submission, and different ways you can be dominate. One of the best things of this lifestyle is that it is ever-evolving. It's your own journey; one that you have to forge on your own or in conjunction with your partner. Once you have the basic knowledge, the possibilities are endless.
My blog, bdsmunveiled.com and many others similar to it, can guide you in different forms of the Lifestyle and inform you of how we, the writers of the blogs, live the lifestyle ourselves. We can educate you on types of play, different dynamics in relationships, toys, protocols, and many other subjects related to BDSM. It is ultimately up to the Dominate and submissive/slave to decide the dynamics, boundaries, rules and regulations of their own relationship.
The one thing you have to remember is you cannot be afraid of change. As with most things in life, relationships in BDSM can change and evolve, and hopefully yours will also. The more you learn and explore, the closer you will become to your partner and the further into submission you can get.
Some of the changes a person can go though from a loving BDSM M/s or D/s relationship is amazing. Readers have sent emails to me telling me about their own illnesses that have gotten better from living a 24/7 BDSM relationship. My own epilepsy has gotten much better over the past two years that I have been a 24/7 slave. With the right combination of rules, guidelines, and structure, it has allowed me to focus on my writing as well as to be delve deep into submission to my Padrone.
My own relationship with Padrone is ever evolving also. The longer we are together, we have grown closer. We have learned more about each other, our strengths and weaknesses, likes, morals, etc. which has allowed our own M/s relationship to deepen to a profound level.
There are items in every relationship that are steady and constant, but there are other items that are either additions or changes, such as rules, guidelines, or daily tasks around the house. The one constant that never changes and is a foundation is the trust, the love and the two way communication that we always have with each other. Those are completely 100 percent essential for any BDSM relationship to work.
So, what is the point to all this you may ask? My point is this. Be cautious in your journey, gather as much knowledge as you can, but be open to new and evolving experiences. you honestly never know what's around the next corner.
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If you are on Twitter, Please get the message out to stop FB from deleting pages. Use the hashtag
#StopBDSMFBCensorship to help get the word out faster! You can also use it on all social media sites!
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Hello all!
Well, in case you haven't heard, over on FB over 90 BDSM pages have been deleted because of this ridiculous witch hunt started by those freakin feminist groups that have nothing better to do than judge our lifestyle by their values. One of those pages was my page named BDSM International.
Please if you have not already, go here and sign the petition to stop BDSM pages from being targeted as violent pages when we are not!
http://www.change.org/petitions/facebook-stop-targeting-bdsm-pages-as-violence-against-women?utm_campaign=share_button_mobile&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition
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I would like to introduce you all to a wonderful couple, Master Grimm and Slave Nalani.
They are a 24/7 BDSM couple that live the lifestyle while being cross-country or long haul truck drivers. I found Nalani so fascinating and their dynamic so beautiful, I asked her to share her story with us. I will be posting an entry from her each month. Below is her first post. One of the first lessons we all can learn from this wonderful couple is that you can't let anything stand in the way of your happiness. If you want to live the Lifestyle, there is always a way. Now, enjoy reading. |
| Slave Nalani & Master Grimm |
'I would like to introduce myself first before I start writing on my Journal's. My name is slave Nalani. I was born and raised in Rotterdam, The Netherlands. I am 35 years and old lived my whole life in Europe before I moved to the United States of America 3years ago.
As child I was always by myself and didn't have any good friends. Maybe it was because I was different than most kids, which I now know that was the case.
Both of my parents worked, my father as cook and my mother in the fabric industry. At age of 16, I found myself alone, standing on my own two feet. From that point on, I looked at the world wondering how to make it through, because I didn't have my parents anymore. As time went by and I became older, my submissive feelings became stronger, especially when I looked at black leather items and when I started to watch some erotic things. It was very strange to me, but I do need to emphasize that I was perfectly comfortable with it and with who I was.
I went to the Erotic Expo and ended up in the special part of it called "The SM Area" in Europe. My eyes were focused on the girl who got candle wax poured over her body and I watched all of the stuff the Dominant did to her. I felt warm while looking at it, and thought to myself “Wow wish I was that girl!” From that moment I knew, I was positive about who I really was for all those years!
As I researched more into the Why's and the How's online, I came across lots of information that took time for me to realize that this was what I really needed. I mean did I really want those spankings? Do I really want to have a ball in my mouth or the burning wax on my body? Then I started thinking that yes, it is exactly what I want. Why would my body get warm from it and why would my blood start flowing faster through my veins if I didn't really need it?
So I started reading books online and watching movies. The more information I found, the happier I became! One story I was reading online was about a couple who lives as Master and slave and oh my goodness that was exciting! The woman slave was explained how much she enjoyed her lifestyle and how much she loved to get her playtime with her Master, who was also her Husband.
Every time I read those stories, I felt warm all over and so happy at the same time! The more I searched and tried to find answers, the more I knew I am a submissive girl. I started hoping to become as happy as all those people who wrote about their lives online and in books one day.
But unfortunately I lived without BDSM or happiness for many years and I ended up in the wrong type of marriage, where I felt miserable and not happy at all! I got a divorce after being mistreated for years and again found myself alone. I worked and moved on with my life alone, which was a very painful time. I had no one to share my thoughts with, no one to share my needs with. How long could I hold it together like that?
I made some friends during that time who were cool, or so I thought they were. We talked a lot and had some good conversations. I thought well you know what? Now is the time to tell them that there is something different about me, so I did! I told them I had special feelings inside me and that I wished I could let it all out. Of course they didn't know what I was talking about, so I told them that I am a submissive and that I hope to find a Real Man in my life who will be my Master. Man, I was so wrong for telling them. They laughed and made fun of me! They told me that they "can beat me up" and that I don't have to live this lifestyle telling "bring me a newspaper we spank you”. I wished I hadn’t opened my mouth, but I thought it was okay. I stopped them from making fun of me and distanced myself from them.
More time went by and there was still no one to share my feelings with and no one to give my gift of submission to. Was I going to end up by myself in this world? Am I that strange to people that they are afraid of me for being a submissive? Why do people not understand that this is what makes me happy, that this is what I need? I need to be dominated to be controlled. My body needs to be taken to that place that only I can feel.'
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"Don’t try to be someone you aren’t. You will hate yourself for it and the effort to maintain the façade will exhaust you." ~ Larry Winget
Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.
Because BDSM is so misunderstood, people often experience shame and self-hatred before coming out as BDSM participants. Secrecy about one's sexual desires can lead to problems with spouses and difficulty connecting with their community for fear of being "found out".
While mainstream culture fetishizes, for example, breasts and lacy black negligees, kinky people often have similar interests in leather, rubber or feet. Other forms of BDSM involve sexual practices that play with power dynamics between partners, unusual forms of stimulation such as "pain" (think: hickies or biting at the height of sexual passion), constraint or sensory deprivation or "dark" emotions such as fear, anxiety and anger played in a theater of eroticism. There is wide variety within this community: some people merely incorporate some kinky practices into a private sexual life as a couple, while others live a total BDSM lifestyle.
Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are "different".
Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.
This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.
I hid myself for many years from everyone, especially my family. After becoming a 24/7 live-in slave to my Padrone, I decided from the beginning to not hide that fact from my family, friends, or anyone else. I wear my collar with pride all the time, it literally never comes off. We don't shouve our choice of relationship into people's faces, nor do we hide it either. I call him Padrone all the time, in public and in front of my family.
I understand many of you may not be able to do that because of your jobs or associations you have in your vanilla lives. But, if you really are serious about living a real life BDSM relationship with your partner, then start taking steps to slowly break it to your family and your friends. There are many ways you can still respect your D/s relationship in a vanilla setting, you just have to find that balance.
If you want to try to break the news to your parents, I suggest you start by maintaining what I call lite D/s around them. Things like having your submissive get your drink, maybe calling you a specific name or title, sitting in a certain position (floor, to your left, ect) and allowing your family to get used to that. Then, if you think they can handle more information, tell them a little about D/s using the analogy of a 1950s style relationship where the man is the head of the household and the woman does as he says and abides by his decisions.
There are many ways to do it, you just have to go with what you think will make everyone the most comfortable. But, I do encourage you to start living your lifestyle in the open and taking pride in it.
Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.
Because BDSM is so misunderstood, people often experience shame and self-hatred before coming out as BDSM participants. Secrecy about one's sexual desires can lead to problems with spouses and difficulty connecting with their community for fear of being "found out".
While mainstream culture fetishizes, for example, breasts and lacy black negligees, kinky people often have similar interests in leather, rubber or feet. Other forms of BDSM involve sexual practices that play with power dynamics between partners, unusual forms of stimulation such as "pain" (think: hickies or biting at the height of sexual passion), constraint or sensory deprivation or "dark" emotions such as fear, anxiety and anger played in a theater of eroticism. There is wide variety within this community: some people merely incorporate some kinky practices into a private sexual life as a couple, while others live a total BDSM lifestyle.
Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are "different".
Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.
This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.
I hid myself for many years from everyone, especially my family. After becoming a 24/7 live-in slave to my Padrone, I decided from the beginning to not hide that fact from my family, friends, or anyone else. I wear my collar with pride all the time, it literally never comes off. We don't shouve our choice of relationship into people's faces, nor do we hide it either. I call him Padrone all the time, in public and in front of my family.
I understand many of you may not be able to do that because of your jobs or associations you have in your vanilla lives. But, if you really are serious about living a real life BDSM relationship with your partner, then start taking steps to slowly break it to your family and your friends. There are many ways you can still respect your D/s relationship in a vanilla setting, you just have to find that balance.
If you want to try to break the news to your parents, I suggest you start by maintaining what I call lite D/s around them. Things like having your submissive get your drink, maybe calling you a specific name or title, sitting in a certain position (floor, to your left, ect) and allowing your family to get used to that. Then, if you think they can handle more information, tell them a little about D/s using the analogy of a 1950s style relationship where the man is the head of the household and the woman does as he says and abides by his decisions.
There are many ways to do it, you just have to go with what you think will make everyone the most comfortable. But, I do encourage you to start living your lifestyle in the open and taking pride in it.
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When browsing BDSM pictures or adult toy shops, some of the costs are very high.
Since the downturn in the world economy, many families don't have the extra money to buy floggers, vibrators, fancy paddles, or bondage equipment. Below are a couple of things most people have just around the house or that can be bought for cheap that can be used as improvised play equipment.
Some of the most basic items that you can find for a BDSM toy bag include many things you can find at your local dollar store. Some of the things I recommend are clothes pins, clothes line and/or rope, scarves, rubber bands, bag clips, hair brushes, plastic rods (from mini blinds or shower rods), mixing spoons/spatulas (both wooden and plastic), candles (paraffin is best for beginners but regular candles can do in a pinch), hangers (both plastic and wire), pantyhose, paper, and pencils.
Restraints
Hand, wrist, or ankle restraints can easily be done with cords, ribbons, tape measures, belts, soft ropes, pantyhose, ties, bandanas or scarves. You can use them to tie hands or feet together or use one end to tie a hand or foot to the corner of a bed. Always make sure that there is no tingling in fingers or toes and that the one restrained is comfortable. You do not want to cut off circulation with a too tight knot. Keep a very sharp pair of scissors handy in case you have to do a emergency cut!
Gags and Blindfolds
Ties and scarves can be used to blindfold or gag a submissive. They should be of a soft material so that they don't chafe. if you are more improvised ball gags, you can buy a small or medium plastic ball from the dollar store, drill a hole thru it and attach a scarf or rope to secure it around the submissives head.
Clamps
We have all seen the beautiful and in some cases, very creative nipple clamps that are available on the market today. But, if you are in a pinch, or don't have or want to spend the money, you can improvise and make your own.Clothes pins are great for nipple and clit clamps/torture. Chip clips can be used for nipples but are great to clamp the entire vagina lips together. Just like regular clamps, be careful with the amout of time you leave them attached. The longer you leave them, the more it will hurt when they are taken off.
Paddles
Now, there are a veritable unlimited number of items you can use that you have already, or can buy for cheap, to deliver that spanking. Here is what I can think of that just the average household would have: wooden or plastic spoons or spatulas, belts, flip flops, thin to medium sized tree branches, acrylic or thin wooden cutting boards with handles, and hair brushes.
Flogger
A Rubber Band Flogger is an easy project that can be done fairly quickly. It's a great toy for light flogging or for flogging sensitive areas, like genitals or nipples. All you need are some rubber bands, a needle and thread, an unsharpened pencil or dowel rod, and some tape (I like duct tape or electrician's tape). Tip: If you want a flogger to throw with more force, use a longer dowel rod. Cut the rubber bands in half, match up the ends, and run the needle and thread through. Once you have a chain of rubber bands long enough to wrap around the end of your pencil or dowel rod, tie them on with the ends of the thread. To make this secure, wrap the end of your pencil or dowel rod with tape, and voila -- happy flogging.
the handle. You can dress this flogger up however you want once you make it. Slide the inner tube through the PVC pipe to about halfway and then fold the inner tube back over the outside of the PVC pipe. Carefully cut the hanging end of the inner tube with a sharp knife or scissors into strips of about 1/2" to 1" wide. This part is optional, if you want to hang your flogger on the wall. Get your drill and carefully drill two holes at the hand-end of the PVC pipe. Insert your grommets or your D-ring.
Most people believe that in order to “do BDSM correctly” they need to focus on having the latest and greatest implements and instrumentation. BDSM is more about creativity and freedom from doing and being the expected. Never be afraid to let your imagination run wild. Hallmark sign of a serious player: they can find a way to use anything in a room in a kinky way.
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Below is an excerpt from my new book BDSM Basics for Beginners.
There are many variations of what the initials BDSM stand for, but the most widely used is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. Frequently, the different areas of BDSM overlap into one another, as a bondage scene might include humiliation, or a D/s relationship might incorporate fetishism, etc. But just as frequently, there are those who only participate in one aspect of the lifestyle. In general, there is no hard and fast rule for what is right and what is wrong..... it depends on the individuals involved. BDSM is fluid and changes as individuals and relationships change. Having said that, there is one creed we all agree on. All play must be: SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL. Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
In a broad statement, BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship that can involve the consensual use of restraints, intense sensory stimulation, and role play. To those that practice it in situations, other than just sexual scenes, it is also extremely mental. A Dominant has to be very careful and know his submissive extremely well in order not to do any lasting mental damage if the sub is deep into submission.
Because of main stream media and books like 50 Shades of Grey, the S&M portions have been highlighted much more than a rounded, more truthful picture of BDSM. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality/relationship has nothing to do with destructive behavior. A Dominant person simply wants to dominate in sex while the submissive wants to be stripped of any initiative.
Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Have fun. BDSM is about finding the things that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. But remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundaries of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person!
BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between a Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. This is where knowledge comes in handy and trust is essential. Never play or submit to anyone that you do not completely trust with that power. Not everything in BDSM is for everybody. Test the waters, experiment, see what you like or don't like and proceed from there.
There are many variations of what the initials BDSM stand for, but the most widely used is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. Frequently, the different areas of BDSM overlap into one another, as a bondage scene might include humiliation, or a D/s relationship might incorporate fetishism, etc. But just as frequently, there are those who only participate in one aspect of the lifestyle. In general, there is no hard and fast rule for what is right and what is wrong..... it depends on the individuals involved. BDSM is fluid and changes as individuals and relationships change. Having said that, there is one creed we all agree on. All play must be: SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL. Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
In a broad statement, BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship that can involve the consensual use of restraints, intense sensory stimulation, and role play. To those that practice it in situations, other than just sexual scenes, it is also extremely mental. A Dominant has to be very careful and know his submissive extremely well in order not to do any lasting mental damage if the sub is deep into submission.
Because of main stream media and books like 50 Shades of Grey, the S&M portions have been highlighted much more than a rounded, more truthful picture of BDSM. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality/relationship has nothing to do with destructive behavior. A Dominant person simply wants to dominate in sex while the submissive wants to be stripped of any initiative.
Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Have fun. BDSM is about finding the things that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. But remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundaries of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person!
BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between a Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. This is where knowledge comes in handy and trust is essential. Never play or submit to anyone that you do not completely trust with that power. Not everything in BDSM is for everybody. Test the waters, experiment, see what you like or don't like and proceed from there.
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