With the flood of new people coming online and trying to learn about the world of BDSM, there has been a lot of confusion from many new submissives about what behavior is normal and what is abusive.
When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual.
Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.
Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.
I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.
Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship
When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual.
Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.
Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.
I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.
Silence
This can come in two main forms:
(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused.
(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused.
(B) Silence as punishment. Silence, or ignoring a submissive for punishment, is considered by some Dominants as an acceptable form of punishment. But a growing movement in many BDSM circles considers this to be a form of emotional abuse. A Dominant should know that a submissive will already punish themselves harsher and longer than their Dominant will if they make mistakes. Pleasing a Dominant and having him/her show pride in their submissive is one of the greatest pleasures a sub receives. If the Dominant ignores the sub to teach them a lesson, it only teaches them to feel alone, stupid and unworthy on top of whatever mental punishment they usually inflict on themselves.
Extensive Punishment
Most submissives get punished for various reasons from time to time. Some need more punishment than others while others crave punishment and try to trick the Dominant into it by being brats. If you are not a brat but get punished for every little mistake instead of the mistake being corrected at first, then this could be a form of mental abuse. If you constantly feel unworthy, stupid and unwanted because of the way and frequency your Dominant punishes you, then you need to step back from the relationship and look at it closer to determine if it is something you wish to continue with.
Manipulative Behavior
If your Dominant uses language or phrases in order to force you to perform an action against your will, that is mental abuse. An example could be telling the submissive they are a bad sub if they don't send naked pictures to their Dominant.
Threatening to End the Relationship
If a Dominant consistently uses the threat of ending the relationship for almost any reason, that is emotional and mental abuse. This is not something that should ever be used unless the Dom or sub is absolutely sure they want to leave the relationship.
Fear
Any threat or punishment that keeps the submissive in an almost constant state of fear is emotional abuse. If a Dominant is using fear to keep a submissive in line or in a relationship, the submissive should leave that relationship as soon as possible. In BDSM, there is good and bad fear. But to use fear against your submissive as a form of control constitutes abuse.
If you experience any of the above items, in any type of form, I urge you to step back and evaluate your relationship with your Dominant. Make sure you are not trapped in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, isolation, or unhappiness. Being in a real BDSM or D/s relationship should make you feel wanted, appreciated, and not alone.
Afterthoughts:
After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need.
Afterthoughts:
After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need.
Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship
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I was asked by a reader if it's normal for them to be afraid of their Dominant most of the time.
She said that he used fear as means to control her. I advised her that fear is not normal in an everyday situation, but can enhance scenes or sexual play if used in a responsible way.
Fear as it pertains to BDSM is a complicated topic. People in the vanilla world hear the words "I fear punishment" from a submissive, and take it automatically to mean "I fear retribution from my abuser". There is a huge difference between those two statements and situations. First, a submissive should and normally does fear punishment. Not just for the physical pain caused if the punishment is a corporal one, but for the emotional feeling of having displeased their Dominant. The submissive should never fear their Dominant will really hurt them. The second statement implies an abusive relationship in which the person fears for their lives and fears permanent physical harm. In the first situation, consent has been given from the submissive to the Dominant to punish if necessary. In the second situation, consent was not given and the retribution is not wanted.
D/s relationships can create a closeness that vanilla relationship doctors would label "unhealthy" or "co-dependent". Some couples prefer to have extremely close, blended relationships and others prefer more distant partnerships. Attempting to have a close relationship with someone that is looking for a more distant one is a recipe for failure. Naturally, kinky people span this spectrum as much as vanillas. However, couples which identify themselves as Master/slave, owner/property, or even simply monogamous Dom/sub, tend to create their own world together, instead of a merely existing separately but maintaining a love connection.
Any sub or slave that is terrified and/or scared of their Dom is not in a BDSM relationship; they are in an abusive relationship. If you do something wrong and know there is going to be consequences and are prepared to accept them, that is a normal part of BDSM. But, if you are constantly walking on egg shells out of fear of doing something wrong, leave the relationship as fast as you can! You should do things for your Dom out of love, adoration and respect; but never out of shear terror.
A true Dom will earn your respect before even considering taking you on as a sub/slave. You should receive some sort of affirmation from your Dom, at least periodically such as "you please Me" or "you are doing well in your role as My sub/slave". I do realize that there are relationships where the slave is nothing more than a possession, but the sub/slave still must respect their Dom and do things out of a respect, not fear.
Fear, when felt, causes an adrenaline rush in the human body. This can make a person feel stronger, more aware of their environment, and even sexually aroused. Fear, when used in this manner, can indeed create a greatly satisfying encounter for the people involved. In this situation, fear is not detrimental. It is a heightening of responses in the participants. Within BDSM, a submissive may fear something new that they have not tried before, fear their own reactions to things, and fear the unknown. Take anyone and tie them up securely, blindfold them, and either lessen or remove their ability to hear, and the person will feel fear. This fear should not detract from the situation, but instead it should enhance it.
Remember, a BDSM relationship is not an abusive relationship. A Dom may "use and abuse" Their sub/slave just because they want to, but if she/he is constantly terrified of their Dom, they are in an abusive relationship. Trust your instincts. If you are afraid to be alone, just remember, there are plenty of true Doms out there and it's better to be alive in order to look for a true Dom, than end up hurt by an abusive person.
Let me hear your thoughts on the subject! Comment below!
BDSM: Good and Bad Fear
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