After a very long and stressful two months of relocating, we are finally almost settled in our new place! I feel like I am finally able to start settling back into writing Talk Tuesday as well as other hopefully helpful blogs. Today, my Padrone is answering the questions about Dominants because we both feel he is in a better position to give an answer as he is the dominant in our relationship.
This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.
Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."
I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.
Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."
The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.
Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"
If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.
Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.
Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."
I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.
Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."
The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.
Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"
If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.
Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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Sub Drop can come in many different forms. Sub Drop is the emotional and physical effects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session. Since the increase of hormones and chemicals has produced a trance-like state (subspace), as play ends the submissive may feel out-of-body, detached from reality. As the sub's system stops producing morphine-like drugs, and as the nervous system kicks in again, the sub may feel a deep exhaustion, a sharp drop in temperature, as well as incoherence and uncoordinated.
Drop can also happen if play is stopped abruptly. BDSM play is a very vulnerable experience for people. It often involves exposing one's inner-self in ways that one has never before done. Sometimes, inexperienced Tops will begin BDSM play, and then abruptly terminate a scene and walk away. This can leave the abandoned sub in a very down state - feeling that they engaged their sense of trust to allow a Top to play with them, and that the Top simply let them splatter on the ground.
If not cared for, you could go into depression just from one play session. The endorphins and other hormones released during play leave your body in such a way that it takes time to rebuild the balance of hormones in your system. You could feel like you have a hangover or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.
There are a few things that you can do to help you get through this time, should you experience it.
Aftercare, at its most basic, simply involves the willingness to continue being there with your play partner for a sufficient time period that they can feel safe, regain their emotional equilibrium, and no longer feel the need to cling to you. It is equally important to recognize that aftercare is for both the Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive. If either person leaves too soon, then their partner may feel abandonment or loss far exceeding the obvious dimensions of the scene.
Food or drink after play can be important: Water or sports-type drinks to re-hydrate, or juice to provide simple sugars. Eating some chocolate after play is recommended by some, as the opiate and cannabinoid effects of chocolate are similar to those of subspace, allowing a more gradual transition, and chocolate also contains several stimulants that can make mental processes feel more alert.
Continuing to help the transition, especially if going home alone after play, some people find that assembling "aftercare supplies" helps them continue to land gently after they arrive home. Relaxing music, comfort objects, scented candles, bubble baths, favorite books or movies, incense, and other forms of self-pampering serve to continue to remind people that they are special and cared for, allowing them to bask in the gradually fading fires of their flight into subspace.
The emotions that can surface during and after play are necessary to address. Don’t keep them bottled up. Write them down, talk about them and keep open communication with your partner. They can help you get through your feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant to help you establish that connection. A notebook to write your feelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they are long distance), a letter from your partner telling you how they feel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call up some friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they too can help you recover from sub drop.
Drop can also happen if play is stopped abruptly. BDSM play is a very vulnerable experience for people. It often involves exposing one's inner-self in ways that one has never before done. Sometimes, inexperienced Tops will begin BDSM play, and then abruptly terminate a scene and walk away. This can leave the abandoned sub in a very down state - feeling that they engaged their sense of trust to allow a Top to play with them, and that the Top simply let them splatter on the ground.
If not cared for, you could go into depression just from one play session. The endorphins and other hormones released during play leave your body in such a way that it takes time to rebuild the balance of hormones in your system. You could feel like you have a hangover or partied too hard the night before, you could feel lost and depressed for hours or days. You may just want to sleep it off. These are the more extreme forms of Drop. Some people recover in a matter of hours, but others could exhibit signs of Sub Drop for weeks after an intense session.
There are a few things that you can do to help you get through this time, should you experience it.
- Recognize what it is. This is important, if you don't accept it for what it is, then you can talk yourself into a much worse state.
- Keep in contact with your play partner, tell them how you are feeling and seek reassurance from them that all is well. We all need to hear that we did good and that our partners enjoyed the scene as much as we did.
- Pamper yourself. Spend the day doing things you really enjoy. Long hot bubble bathes, manicures/pedicure, get your hair done. Anything that is going to help you feel better about yourself.
- Eat well and drink plenty of fluids. Your body is still in recovery process, so feed it well.
- Talk to someone who understands what you are going through. Find someone who can listen without judging and let it all out. If you need to cry do so, it's therapeutic.
Food or drink after play can be important: Water or sports-type drinks to re-hydrate, or juice to provide simple sugars. Eating some chocolate after play is recommended by some, as the opiate and cannabinoid effects of chocolate are similar to those of subspace, allowing a more gradual transition, and chocolate also contains several stimulants that can make mental processes feel more alert.
Continuing to help the transition, especially if going home alone after play, some people find that assembling "aftercare supplies" helps them continue to land gently after they arrive home. Relaxing music, comfort objects, scented candles, bubble baths, favorite books or movies, incense, and other forms of self-pampering serve to continue to remind people that they are special and cared for, allowing them to bask in the gradually fading fires of their flight into subspace.
The emotions that can surface during and after play are necessary to address. Don’t keep them bottled up. Write them down, talk about them and keep open communication with your partner. They can help you get through your feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant to help you establish that connection. A notebook to write your feelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they are long distance), a letter from your partner telling you how they feel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call up some friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they too can help you recover from sub drop.
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