Michelle Fegatofi

Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! Every week we try to bring you questions that are not normally asked in an effort to help broaden your Lifestyle knowledge. We have a very diverse set of questions for you once again! This week's topics cover 'Safety for first Meetings', '24/7 Switches', and 'Ending an M/s Relationship'.

Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"

Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.

When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.

For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life


Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"

First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.

In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.

If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.


Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"

First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order.  BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.

I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!

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Michelle Fegatofi

This week instead of addressing normal Talk Tuesday questions, I am writing on a particular subject that I feel will be very beneficial for many new submissives and Dominants. Next week, the normal Talk Tuesday post will be back so get your questions in to us now at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

Topping from the bottom is when the bottom (submissive) directs how the scene or relationship goes. It is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough.

Why does a submissive top from the bottom? This is the question that has many conflicting answers. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Sometimes the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top. And still, there are also cases of the submissive being trained by the dominant to bottom top. Each person is different, so it can't really be said that there is one reason that a submissive bottom tops without truly knowing them.

Some subtle ways that a submissive might control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants (affections, completing tasks, service). One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before out of shame or fear. Now I'm not suggesting that you should just put your life in a Dominant's hands and have no limits. Please have limits because safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, then the relationship isn't what it could be.

How do you recognise if your submissive is topping you from the bottom?

• They always ask 'Why' when given an order.
• They outright ignore commands or requests.
• They make all decisions on their own without following the dominant's directions. 
• They tell the dominant what to do or how to behave during a scene. 

The above list is but a few signs that would be prevalent in these situations. If your submissive or yourself displays these signs, you should stop and ask yourself why. If this is a recurrent behaviour, then two situations come to my mind as a possible cause. First, you could be a switch and not know or understand that you have those tendencies. Second, you are not in a D/s dynamic that allows you to submit for some reason; the sub is not sub enough or actually not submissive. In this situation, reasons are often that the submissive doesn't trust or respect the dominant or that the dominant is not strong enough in personality to keep the sub's submission.

The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be that the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counselling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.

If you have anything to add to this conversation, please leave comments below! All creative commentary and diverse opinions welcome!

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Michelle Fegatofi

I Am A Submissive Woman

i find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive

to my Master in a loving relationship.

i am not weak or stupid. i am a strong woman,

with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of my life.

i do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

i will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never

will i be more complete than when He is with me.

i know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul

with His strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him.

His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.

Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy…

His punishments may be harsh, but i accept them thankfully,

knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.

If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him

and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness.

However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of O/our relationship.

The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt,

those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am.

No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes,

and because of that i hold my head high.

If He says i am His precious jewel,

then i am that…a beautiful, sparkling gem.

If He says that i am His pet, His slut, His whore, then i am that..

as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be.

My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can.

i have no secrets from Him… for secrets are a thing that would

keep me from being more perfectly His.

Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…

and i do not want walls.

His lessons are not always ones i would seek on my own,

but they are lessons He has decided that i need, and so i learn from Him.

My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be

when i kneel naked at His feet.

Never a moment goes by when i do not feel His presence,

be He miles away or standing over me.

If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul,

worse punishment than any lashes could be.

The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him

is harder to bear than any physical anguish i feel.

i am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend

His time and energy so freely on me.

i have the easier job, to feel, to experience,

to let myself go and abandon everything to Him.

i am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously .

i am a submissive woman.

i am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that i do not give lightly,

and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to my Master who has that strength, will i give myself fully,

because i am strong and proud.

i am a submissive woman.

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Michelle Fegatofi

The following is an excerpt from the book The Submissive Guide I am currently working on: 

There are many levels and versions of submission.

One way to ensure a good BDSM relationship is to be up front in what you want during play time, personal service and sexual service. State what your desires and needs are and there will be a lot less mistakes. Dominants are not mind readers. Be clear on your limits. Some submissives only submit in sexual scenes and not in the rest of their lives, while others give over their entire life to a Dominant. Some subs only want to be servant subs with no sexual acts ever taking place.

The following list isn't intended as a rigid classification. Most submissives don't fall neatly into one category. There are still further shades in between. I have listed what I term as the most common types of submissives.

The Conceptual Submissive:

   

This submissive is one that learns everything they know about submission from romance or erotica books and the internet. This submissive will normally only become an online sub or slave and try to administer advice to others with no real experience or concept of what BDSM is. They usually live a vanilla life outside of the cyber world. 

The Mental Submissive: 

 

The mental submissive begins his or her submission in their mind. This person is submissive in and out of the bedroom. They generally have a need to submit or surrender to a Dominant. The act of submission is all mental but can also consist of physical. S/he can give as much or as little as they wish to or need to give. The surrendering is the power exchange. Once the surrender occurs, they can become an empty vessel for the Dominants to mold in whatever image they wish. Love is not required, as this is a mental submission. 

The Romantic Submissive:

 

This type of submissive wishes to surrender everything, without becoming a slave. In comparison with the mental submissive, a romantic submissive craves the love of the Dominant they submit to. The act of submission is full of emotion and love. They give all they have for the return of love and trust from the Dominant they serve. 

The Bedroom Submissive: 

 

This type of submissive is Vanilla in every facet of their life or even Dominant, but when the bedroom door shuts, the roles drop and they submit to the Dominant. The bedroom is where the power exchange happens and stays. This submission is almost always sexual in nature. In the bedroom, the act of submission is complete. But, when the bedroom door is open, the bedroom submissive returns to the vanilla world or role.

The Servant:

   

This type of submissive is only interested in serving a Dominant. This submissive typically does not include sexual activities. They run errands, clean the home, run a Dominant's calendar or arrange meetings for the Dominant. This type of submissive satisfies their submissive needs by doing things for other people. This is a very special type of submissive. 

The Sex Slave:

 

This submissive is in this Lifestyle for sex, with one person, many people, or in any way that can be imagined. This person rarely has any limits when it comes to sex and will allow a Dominant to use pain as a method of arousal and release, with little or no cautions. This submissive cannot imagine any punishment worse than being locked in a chastity device or not given permission to masturbate or have sexual release. 

The Slave: 

 

Unlike a submissive, a slave must surrender completely and be completely controlled by a Master. The slave must feel completely owned. They can become a different person when a Master trains them to serve Him/Her in whatever way they prefer. When Master is happy, the slave is happy. They feel most complete when with a Master. The slave beams when s/he brings Master pleasure.

The SAMs (Smart Ass Masochists): 

 

These are 'Smart Ass Masochists'. They deliberately misbehave all the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. 

The Attention Seeker: 

 

These types of submissives are the ones that always do things to seek attention from other submissives and Dominants alike. They post status updates on web sites that try to make you feel sorry for them, post lots of pictures of themselves in various states of undress, not because they are proud of their bodies but from the need to receive good comments to make validate their efforts, and are generally very whiney. These kinds of submissives are mostly found in cyberspace and are generally frowned on by real life BDSM practitioners. 

The UBER (Alpha) Submissive:

 

This person believes they are the ultimate, uber submissive. They think no one can come close to their knowledge, level of submissiveness, or training in protocol. They believe they are a step above all other subs and slaves. These people are generally not real submissives. They tend to read books and articles about the Lifestyle, may even submit to a Dom, but generally have no experience and don’t know what to do with book knowledge in real situations. They also do not have the need to submit internally and only want to do it for the experience. 

Now, these are the different types of subs/slaves that I use to categorize. Don't forget that you may not fall into just one area, but several.
You also may not agree with my descriptions. But hopefully, this will give you a broader understanding of the different levels of submission and the many forms it can come in.

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Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

This is an excerpt from the book BDSM Basics for Beginners - A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle.

Being Dominant is a state of mind. It is not a sex act, it is not a game, and it is not a role. It is a state of being and is totally asexual (neither male nor female). First and foremost, a Dominant is always a Gentleman or Lady. There is no excuse for being impolite or rude to others. Save this for the submissive that needs and requires this of their Dominant.

Self-control, knowledge, and a questioning mind, along with the ability to listen, understand, and question, are the foundations on which a Dominant personality should be built. Next is the ability to accept responsibility. A Dominant should understand that in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, the submissive is going to place their faith in the Dom in many ways. It is essential in a (D/s) relationship that the submissive feels enough confidence to give up some level of control and responsibility to the Dominant. Acceptance of that control must sit comfortably with the Dominant. To have another hand over control of their life, (or at least parts of it) to you is an awesome feeling. It must be borne with great care, and never abused. So, a Dominant does not abuse the power they are given. They never take that power, they are given it out of love, trust, and respect, and the feeling that they can improve the quality of another's life.

Along with responsibility, the Dominant must have patience. Patience in a Dominant is a requisite too, because there may be many times when a submissive may not reach expectations. This may not be due to any failing on the submissive's part, and so the Dominant must show patience, and a calming influence: an ability to help the sub, to achieve what they both want, in a structured and sensible way, and never to criticize when things don't go well.

A Dominant must always be in control. Drugs, even alcohol, are mind and body controlling agents. They affect relationships and most importantly can affect a scene, therefore taking away the control the Dominant MUST have.

A Dominant is always honest. To lie is to show You cannot be trusted and a sub/slave must be able to trust You to respect you. Every sub/slave knows that not every Dominant is super experienced and will respect You much more if You tell the truth. Be honest with a sub/slave about Your level of experience with others. They can even help You to gain experience, which can be an enjoyable learning process. Tell them up-front if You do not wish a monogamous relationship. Most submissives understand and even expect this in a Dominant. You may not get "that" sub/slave, but You will not lose her/his respect. 

A Dominant expects, but does not demand respect. No Dominant demands strangers to call him/her Master/Mistress. Respect is earned over time. Demanding Master/Mistress on Your name means nothing and is a word that when not earned, is meaningless and makes You appear to be petty and childish. Those that know and respect You will call you Master or Mistress when You earn it, not before. Remember, to other Dominants, You are not Their Master/Mistress. You are Their equal. Do not demand Them too ever call You that.

A Dominant should only take a submissive that will match Him/Her. A sub/slave that is not into whips should not belong to a Dominant that loves to whip submissives.

A Dominant HAS to know and understand what the needs, desires and wants of a sub/slave are. Failure to do so may harm the submissive emotionally and mentally.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Introducing BDSM International's First Contest!

Ever want to show your sexy Dominant or submissive side off to the world? You can do it for fun or to get appreciated by fellow fans of the sites. Inbox me your photos at https://www.facebook.com/BdsmInternational and I will post them Here and on my Twitter, Pinterest, Google + pages, Tumblr and BDSMUnveiled blogs.

bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com

www.facebook.com/MichelleFegatofi

www.facebook.com/BDSMInternational

https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/112450374015048658322

http://michellefegatofi.tumblr.com/

https://twitter.com/MFegatofi

http://pinterest.com/BdsmUnveiled/ 

Contest:

1.       You have until Saturday, December 23, 2012 at Midnight Pacific Coast Time to get your pictures in. Pictures received after this date will not be eligible.

2.       I will post all pictures on Thursday, December 27, 2012 to the above mentioned blogs and let the fans of each blog pick the winner by the number of likes received.

3.       Voting will start then and close Saturday, January 12, 2013. Once all likes are tallied from each blog, the winners will be announced and highlighted on our BDSM International Facebook page.

4.       Winners from each of my blogs will receive an electronic copy of my first book BDSM for Beginners by Michelle Fegatofi.

Rules:

1.       Must be 18 years old or older.  

2.       By sending in your pictures, you automatically give BDSM International the right to publish them on all the pages and blogs listed above and agree to the contest rules.

3.       Original Amateur Picture taken of yourself. None off the internet.

4.       The pictures must be 800 x 600 in size or larger.

5.       Color or Black and white accepted.

6.       NO COMPLETE NUDES, MUST BE WEARING AT LEAST A THONG AND NO NIPPLES SHOWING, GENITALS MUST BE COVERED.

Subject matter or pose must be of a BDSM nature and include entire body and only ONE person per picture. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

I came across these pictures of people deforming their bodies with corsets and surgery. Share your thoughts. What do you think of this idea of beauty? Do you like or dislike? Would you do it? 

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Michelle Fegatofi

I got a lot of feedback from the post I did about the softer side of BDSM.
There are many people out there that either do not like the S&M of BDSM, or just don't practice it. These relationships could be called simple D/s or a Taken In Hand type of relationship.

First, I’m not drawing a distinction between 24/7 D/s and M/s relationships, because I find that different people use the terms in overlapping ways. I’m talking about relationships that involve a full-time power hierarchy. For me, that means relationships in which the two (or more) people involved always relate to one another from a power-based dynamic, and that this dynamic extends outside the time that the people spend in one another’s presence.

There is a distinction between fantasy and reality. 24/7 relationships happen when you’re doing it for reasons beyond orgasm (even if arousal and orgasm are a big, or even essential, part of the draw). This is not a huge ongoing role-play scenario. It’s an intensification of the power-based parameters in which you live your everyday life. If you simply try to extend a role-play scenario into your entire relationship, you’ll find that the narrow parameters of a persona or character are simply not big enough to encompass who you are, and need to be, every hour of every day. 

24/7 is not about restricting yourself to a specific set of characteristics the way you can for an hour or two in a scene. It’s about bringing all of who you are to the table and offering it within a full-spectrum relationship. That means you’re doing it regardless of what you’re wearing (leather, work drag, bunny slippers…) and where you are (bedroom, dungeon, airport, family dinner) and what you’re doing (having sex, working, eating breakfast, hanging out with friends). Yes, this means you may need to find ways to scale up and down the overt visibility of your relationship. No, it does not mean you’re turning it on or off at will. A lot of the classic “it’s just play” concepts that you might hear in a BDSM 101 workshop are going to go right out the window here because what you are doing is not a scene. It comes with a whole different – related, but different – psychology.

Being in a hurry has probably brought on more heartaches than any single thing we hear about when discussing failed relationships. Those submissive urges can be very strong and sometimes overpower common sense unless you really keep things from getting out of hand. Without first building a foundation of love, trust and respect, there isn't much hope of any relationship succeeding, especially a D/s one. Searching for the Dominant of your dreams is pretty much like dating in the vanilla world but with an added twist. You will have to trust this person with your life and well-being. You have to really know this person and I personally do not believe this can happen before you have had several months on which to base your judgment. Don't be afraid to ask for references from people he/she knows in the lifestyle. If this creates a problem because you did ask, I'd consider the possibility that this person has something to hide.

Not fully understanding your limits and the things expected in this lifestyle can lead to some serious problems that can be easily avoided. Learn all you can about D/s and yourself. Make checklist of activities with your potential dominant and find out what things do and do not interest you. You have the right and obligation to honestly express your feelings on activities within this lifestyle. No one likes or needs them all and keeping your real feelings hidden will only lead to problems later. Keep in mind that dominants have limits too. For a relationship to be satisfying and healthy it has to be based on mutual interests and goals.

Communicating effectively is more than just talking. You have to be able to voice your concerns, hopes, needs, dreams, disappointments, and hurts as well as all the positive emotions you so willingly share. Remember it's also listening to what is said and the way it's said. Gestures, facial expressions and body language often say more than words. Learning some better communication skills is always a good investment for your future. A great deal of the dynamics of a D/s relationship hinges on you openly sharing your fantasies and fears. If there is something that's causing you to be anxious or has left you unfulfilled, it's your duty to communicate this to your dominant. The same applies for the things that have given you pleasure or satisfaction. You have to share what's happening inside that submissive head and heart. Remember, even the best dominant is not a mind reader.

Intense power relationships will bring you face to face with whatever issues you need to work on. Your ability to sustain your D/s relationship depends on you and your partner’s willingness to deal with them, and your mutual willingness to deal with theirs. Hint: if the same thing keeps going wrong in every relationship, you don’t just need to find the right person; you need to change yourself. At the same time as you both commit to working on yourselves, you also need to find a way to balance this with a commitment to accepting each other as you are. While you can work on specific things, and while major change does take place sometimes, you cannot fundamentally change a person into something they are not, and you certainly can’t expect major change to happen quickly or exactly as you’d like it to. So don’t enter into a 24/7 relationship if your happiness is going to be dependent on a radical or immediate personality shift on the others’ part.

D/s relationships are intense. Have I mentioned that? They are intense, soul-searching relationships that affect every moment of every day. The kind of exploration and self-revelation that so often comes with D/s can make you go a bit nuts if you have no outside support. That support can take many forms:

Participation in a kink community can be incredibly helpful — it can provide relationship models for you to look at and learn from or discard as needed. Even if everyone around you does their kink differently than you do, that can help you better understand who you are (and are not) and what you’re doing (and not doing).

Reading, workshops, discussion groups, and any number of other educational resources can similarly give you ideas to chew on, frameworks that may or may not work for you, and language to help you understand and express what you’re getting up to.

And last but not least, friends you can talk to about D/s. Non-kinky (but kink-friendly) friends are a great start, because the kind of challenges that come up in D/s are often similar to those in any other relationship. But frequently enough, D/s relationship issues will also have a character all their own, and even the most open-minded or well-intentioned vanilla friend may have a hard time truly getting it. It can be extremely helpful to build friendships with fellow D/s practitioners so you can offer each other a supportive shoulder when needed. Hint: Don’t wait until you need help… start building those friendships right away, and make sure you offer your own listening ear.

A brief caution: a classic warning sign that a D/s relationship is not so healthy is when one of the partners tells the other not to talk about it with anyone else, or not to participate in community. Of course you want to maintain basic respect for each other and your relationship – airing your dirty laundry for all to see, or trashing your partner loudly at a play party, is just not classy. But having one or two trusted friends to turn to in times of trouble can be essential and a wise dominant will encourage the submissive to seek out support rather than discouraging it.

Patience takes a long time to build in great depth, and often is the Dominant’s job is to hold back, not to rush forward. Taking on responsibility for another human being in a polarized power situation is simply not something that’s wise to do quickly or carelessly. Take your time. Learn what you need to learn about yourself, about them, about how to do this well and feel good about it. Don’t extend past your own limits because you feel pressure to do it all right-now-tout-de-suite. I do say that it’s often the dominant’s job to hold back, because sometimes a submissive can be gung-ho and champing at the bit while their dominant is feeling overwhelmed and struggling to hold tight.

Lastly, it takes continued work, communication, and an open willingness to continuously adapt to make a long lasting and loving D/s relationship work and grow stronger. We choose to be open to everyone about the fact we live a 24/7 BDSM or D/s lifestyle. It makes it much easier on us. Many of our vanilla friends do not understand and others have simply stopped talking to us. We are ok with that. Because for us, we are most happy being ourselves and being open with who we are. But, it is up to you and your partner to determine how much you let your vanilla friends know. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Ok, I don't normally post stuff like this, but a funny poem came to me when I was listening to a Dolemite sound-byte on Youtube.
Hope you laugh and enjoy!

Dominant, submissive, slave, or switch,

We all just a kinky son of a bitch….

Whips and chains, crops and hands too,

Gonna whip that ass, til it turns blue…

Leather and Latex and collars galore,

Got grown ass men kneeling on the floor…

People in chains or tied with some rope,

Somebody just bent over and got a pussy grope…

Swings, crosses, stocks and tables,

People using all kinds of props if they able…

What is this thing called that we don’t practice just on a whim?

It’s safe, sane and consensual... BDSM.

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Michelle Fegatofi

The light in your eyes always shines so bright,

Even during the darkest part of the night.

The light in your heart is always burning bright for me,

The light in your soul warms me up in ways I never knew could be.

The warmth of your arms keep me snuggled close and safe,

The heat of your breath on my neck reminds me, I'm protected in your warm embrace.

The warmth of your heart is all I will ever need,

That warmth that makes me crave to always follow your lead.

That smile that you send my way when you think I'm not aware,

Shows me how deeply you love me and how much you really care.

That laugh that is so full and loud and used to be so rare,

Oh how I love hearing you laugh so robust with no cares!

Though teasing and jokes and playfulness are plentiful,

You become my rock when I’m sick and treat me so careful.

You caresses my head and worry when I'm not well

You hold me tight and tell me not to dwell.

The love I see from those gorgeous green eyes,

The love we share, that anyone looking spies.

All of these things make you so wonderful and dear

And I will forever hold you close and keep you near.

You are buried deep inside my heart and deep inside my soul, I will never again be empty nor ever feel old.

The kind of love I carry for you, makes me feel forever young, As the hands of time tick by, my soul will remember the song it sung.

My love is lasting, it is forever and it is true.

It's that once in a lifetime love, that always shines through.

Through distance or separation, truly through anything that may be.

My love for you will never falter, for my love and soul is yours for eternity.

by Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

Many people today meet online, vanilla and BDSMers alike. On the internet, you tend to feel safer and more comfortable when chatting with different people you might be interested in. Sometimes we forget about safety, however. Today's post stress that importance and gives you some tips to think about before setting up that first meeting. If you have any more tips to share, please do! 

In BDSM like in anything else in real life, there are people that are in the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. For those of us in the Lifestyle, trust cannot be bought with money. The only way build trust is through discussion, negotiation and time. If a partner wants money or expensive gifts up front, beware! If you want to pay for services (being dominated or Dominating), go see a professional Dominant. Do not discuss any financial matters until you have established trust and a solid relationship. If you find a good partner, and you build trust between you, make it a pleasant surprise that you are wealthy. If you flash your money before you build that trust, you will find a partner, but he or she may be with you for the wrong reasons.

The biggest danger is physical harm and/or death. Not everyone is out to hurt and kill people, but some people are. Most meetings go very well, but the dangers are very real. Submissive women are often seen as easy prey because their submissive nature can be manipulated to allow for abuse by someone who knows how. Physical vulnerability can be easily utilized by an unscrupulous person and either permanently physically harm you, or outright kill you.  Make sure you have gotten references about the person you are meeting and checked them BEFORE you meet.

Don't ignore basic safety measures. There are people out there who are simply predators, and the person you are meeting may be wonderful online and the phone, but admit you don't really know him, and protect yourself until you do. Never divert from your planned itinerary on a first meeting. You planned that schedule so people could find you...if you leave it, they can't. Stay where you said you would be, when you set up your security, and resist, to the point of running away, any attempt by your partner to take you away.

Inform a close friend of where you will be and with whom. Give your friend a good description of the person you are meeting in case this is needed by authorities later. Give them the make, model and license plate number of car the person you are meeting will be driving. Leave a copy of this information out in a very visible area in your home as well, just in case it is needed by authorities later.

Set up safe calls with your friend. These are set times that you are supposed to call your friend and let them know that you are all right. If you miss your set time to call, the safe person should attempt to reach you, if they cannot, then they should be instructed to call the authorities. This goes for both doms and subs.

Numerous articles have been written about this where to meet. Every single article will stress the importance of safety. The choice of the place to meet should be during daylight hours in a public venue, where both people feel safe and at ease. Choose a restaurant or a coffee shop. You will be able to have some kind of privacy sitting at a table while you still are among people. If you choose a restaurant, make it not too expensive, but again, avoid greasy spoon places or restaurant chains (too many kids and commotion for a good discussion). A quiet, not too expensive place should do.

DO NOT PLAY! On the first real life meeting, you want to take the time to get to know your potential partner. Playing will only satisfy a sexual urge and may cloud your judgment. Realistically, many people do play on the first meeting. It is similar to the "one night stand" of vanilla relationships. Some people are only looking for a one night stand and not a committed relationship. Be sure that your desires for the relationship match your prospective partners. If play is a possibility, a play list or scene negotiation form should be used.

Remember, most meetings go very well, but there have been some incidences where the meetings did not go well and someone got hurt and/or killed. You are solely responsible for your own safety in these situations. Use common sense and you will find meeting people to be a more pleasurable experience. 

- Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

Original Submissive Prayer by Michelle Fegatofi

I give You my body, to do with what You may

I give you my mind, that will always do as You say.

I give you my trust, to keep me protected from all

I give you my heart, to keep and surround if I ever fall.

I promise you my loyalty, I will never stray from your side

I promise you my honesty, Nothing from you will I ever hide.

I give you my soul, for only you can make me fly higher

I give you my freedom, to keep chained as long as you desire.

I give you me, All that I am, All that I will ever be.

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Michelle Fegatofi

This is a piece I wrote on my Facebook page about three months ago.

I have had a lot of questions lately about the hard parts and sexual parts of BDSM. So, I decided to expand this article in hopes to help enlighten the new people that either don't know about the softer side of BDSM or might not understand it. Feel free to leave your thoughts on the subject.

In mainstream society, a teddy bear is used for comfort. We sleep with them, cuddle them, and when we were kids, felt like we were safe at night, because Teddy was watching over us. When you look at this picture, you might think "that's cute" or "what does a teddy bear have to do with BDSM?". I see a pictorial view of a different side of the Lifestyle, a view that represents the mental and emotional connection of D/s. 

BDSM is most often portrayed in a very harsh and almost sinister way in pictures and videos of women in bondage, gagged and being flogged or whipped. With these kinds of images as the results from internet searches, it's no wonder that many people think bad about the Lifestyle. 

Mainstream media never focuses on the softer side of BDSM. They don't understand and can't relate to the feelings a Dom and slave/sub have for one another. They will never understand or focus on how the Dom takes care of and protects His/Her sub. They will never know, write about, or show a Dom cuddling his sub after a scene or after making love. They won't show the adoration, love, and complete devotion a sub/slave feels for the Dominant. If they showed that, well, BDSM might become more acceptable to 'Vanilla People' (horror of horrors).

There are many erotica books for sale now, such as the 50 Shades Trilogy, that are based on the writer's perspective of BDSM. People buy these books/eBooks by the 100's and get only the view of BDSM is nothing but sex, bondage, and punishments. These are all based on fantasy and not reality. There are so many ways to have a BDSM based relationship, I encourage you to read and research real BDSM blogs and books on the subject and not base what you think you may know about BDSM on the erotica, fantasy books. 

As a community, we all have our fetishes, kinks, and preferred method of practicing BDSM. Most images I find depict the sub/slave bound, restrained and gagged or being flogged. These images are beautiful and I admit I have a fetish for a woman in collar and leash myself. But, I have never come across a picture that, to me, does such an awesome job of interpreting the softer, non-sexual part of BDSM. 

I love the sex portion, but nothing can compare with the feelings of love, devotion, service, protection, structure, guidance and acceptance I get from my Padrone, being His live-in, real life, 24/7 slave.

Share your thoughts if you wish!

Michelle Fegatofi

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