Michelle Fegatofi

If you’ve been on the internet for any about of time, you have probably heard the term ‘Catfishing”. This term was coined in 2012 and describes people who create fake internet profiles for the purpose of deceiving others out of money, property, or just to create drama. 

Now, while several people may have a fake Social Media account, that doesn’t automatically mean they are catfishing. In the online community of BDSM, especially since the rise and popularization of the Lifestyle by the 50 Shades Trilogy, many people are joining just to try and take advantage of unsuspecting and unknowledgeable newbies. I have had many messages asking me to address this specifically. Here are my tips in spotting fake accounts that are probably catfishing.

If you are new to the Lifestyle, please read as much as you can from many different online resources so you can gain a broad knowledge base. This is the first step that will help protect yourself from fake dominants or submissives. 

If you accept friend requests from all strangers, don’t give them any personal information. Start a general conversation with them, just as you would any vanilla friend. If the person immediately makes demands of submission or wants to be called by a specific title, you should unfriend and block them immediately. No real practitioner of BDSM will act this way, online or in real life, especially with a new contact.

Many men have sent me messages asking if it is normal to have to pay a ‘tribute’ to an online Dominatrix before you even get to send them a message, let alone a friend request. Apparently, this is the practice of many young females online that are presenting themselves as Female Dominants or Dommes. In my opinion, they are frauds or sex workers. While there’s nothing wrong with being a sex worker, a genuine Lifestyle Dominatrix will never demand money or gifts before they even talk to you. This is just another way that people have found to monetized BDSM. If someone refuses to talk to you for free, block them and run! 

Let’s now move forward a little bit. Say that the Dom or sub you friended has so far passed all the initial scrutiny. You are wanting to try to move from a friendship to an online D/s or M/s relationship. Ask to exchange vanilla based pictures. After some more time passes, they should be ready to video chat. If they always have some excuse or reason they can’t, they are probably catfishing! Either they are not the person in the pictures you exchanged or they are hiding something in their real life. A person interested in pursuing a real relationship, even if it’s just online, will find the time and a way to video chat with you. 

These are just a few of the obvious things to be on the lookout for when getting involved with someone on the internet. I met my Padrone (Master) on Facebook 8 years ago and have been living with him for 7 years now. So, while it can be difficult to find and become serious with someone you met on a social media site, it is entirely possible! 

If you have any comments or suggestions, please leave them below!

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Michelle Fegatofi

If you've been around the Lifestyle for any amount of time, you have probably come across dominants, the majority of whom are male, that have many (3+) submissives and continuously seek more. It seems like these types of dominants cannot get enough of attention or worshipping from these different types of submissives.

I am not speaking about people that are in a Poly group/relationship where every member knows about the others and are ok with it. I am talking about people that tend to have many submissives, yet still continue to flirt with others in a sexual or mental way. These types of dominants usually do not have the time they need to devote to their current submissives, thus leaving the subs feeling lacking for attention, that somehow they did something to make the dominant ignore them, or just plain depressed.

It is not uncommon for Sub Collectors to collar people quickly. The Collector is inclined to view the size of their collection of submissives as a sign of their prowess as a Dominant. This does not necessarily mean that a Collector cannot be a skilled Dominant; what is usually the case is the contrary, as many of this subtype can easily assume one or more Dominant roles in order to succeed at attracting submissives.

On the other hand, maintaining a balance within the group is not always a priority for them. It is also not uncommon for Collectors to be unwilling to provide the attention or nurturing that a submissive in their care might desire, and many Collectors are quite up-front about it. This results in a high turnover of submissives for most Collectors – new submissives come in, but also many frustrated submissives leave.

Are Sub Collector Doms what a lot of people in the Lifestyle refer to as a "fake"?
They can be. One sure sign of a fake dominant, especially those that appear online only, is the amount of females they try to friend, message, and talk to. There is a difference between friendly chatter and flirting. If the dominant starts flirting, hinting that you need to submit to him, become his, or pay homage to him very fast after you just met him, RUN/BLOCK/DELETE! I bet there are many others that he is having the exact same conversation with.

What's the difference between a Sub Collector Dom and a Poly Dom?
A Poly Dom is a dominant that happens to be involved with 2 or more submissives. In a poly situation, all parties involved know about the others and all understand what is going on.
There are no secrets kept and many of them are in committed relationships with each other.
There are some Poly doms that have multiple submissives which are not committed to a relationship and their submissives may have other partners also, but again, all are aware of what is going on.

A Sub Collector Dom may not tell all of the different women he is talking to about the others he already has on the hook. He also may have his own submissives but then have many other subs that he 'protects or trains'.

In the instances that I have seen this to be the case, the Sub Collector Dom is usually only collecting naked or erotic pictures and videos from those under training or his protection but not receiving anything in return.

What can I do to avoid a Collector?

Make sure you take your time to get to know them and not rush into anything. This type of mistake can get you hooked and hurt before you ever realize what is going on. Talk to the dominant's friends and ask about their character. Just be vigilant and keep your eyes open. 

If you have any comments you would like to share, please leave them in the section after the post.

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Michelle Fegatofi

This week I received many different types of emails asking various questions related to the BDSM Lifestyle.

Below are a group of questions that are somewhat related in topic, so these are the ones that I've chosen to share with you this week.

Question #1) "Many Submissives find themselves without dominants for one reason or another (release, death, or simply not clicking with any Dominant, etc.). How do you nurture your submission when there is no one to submit to?"

Many submissives are in this situation, especially those new to BDSM. While in-between relationships or waiting to connect with your first Dominant, you should always try to educate yourself more by reading books and websites about the Lifestyle, but mainly about the different types and ways to submit. You can gain a solid base knowledge of what BDSM offers and ensure that you have a very good grasp of your own expectations.

You can practice different submissive positions and become fluid and graceful in transitioning between them. You can ensure that you you have your limits list completed and that you understand all,of your limit. To feel closer to other submissives or just to be around the Lifestyle more, visit online submissive groups or go to munches in your area.

While these do not replace or fulfill the need to serve a Dominant in a submissive way, staying educated and furthering that knowledge can help you feel more connected to the BDSM community, as well as helping you attain a better overall understanding of what your own place in the Lifestyle may be.

For further reading on this topic:
Submissive or Slave Training


Question #2) "Now that the JDI Dating site has been found to be creating profiles in order to get people to buy premium introduction packages, what can Submissives do to keep themselves from being victims of fake profiles on BDSM sites?"

While I wish I had a revolutionary answer for this, I fall back to common sense and the old saying 'if it's too good to be true, it usually is'. The main pitfalls to watch out for are obvious ones such as a person not willing to give you their real name or show you a real picture of themselves. If their profile boasts about having many years of experience and having been with many submissives, ask yourself why they kept changing submissives? If they boast about or show pictures of things that cost a lot of money, be skeptical. True dominants never show off or boast about financial matters.

If the dominant gives you the feeling that they really don't have a clue as to what they are talking about compared to the experience they say they have, that is a huge red flag. If a person demands you call them Master or anything other than their name when you first meet them, that's another red flag! Titles and respect are earned over time, never demanded.

I know of a few people that have portrayed themselves very convincingly as dominants and was able to hide their true nature or identities online from some very smart women. But, in the end, the 'dom' slipped up and the submissive found out exactly what they were about.

Use your instincts and be as careful and observant as possible, but don't be paranoid. While there are many fake people and profiles online, there are just as many real ones out there waiting to connect.

For further information:

Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
Predators are Everywhere

Question #3) "Why is it that when I am to the point that I am strong enough to carry on without him he sends me a message (I miss you) and drags me back in? Why does it hurt so much trying to get through the day without hearing from him? I have been reading a lot about fake and wanna be DD's and I really feel like this is what he is but I love and care for him so much that it doesn't matter to me. Am I putting myself in danger still wanting a D/s relationship with him?"

I think you are infatuated with this man and and will put up with almost anything from him just to hang on to a relationship in order to not be alone. Many women have an intense fear of being alone or growing older without a partner. You know the type of relationship you want and deserve. You should not compromise 75% of your expectations just to stay with someone that isn't worth all the effort you are putting forth. As far as being hurt, I don't see any other outcome from what you have told me. I see emotional and mental anguish during the course of the relationship and much more at the end.    

I would advise you to end the relationship, block all contact with him and move forward. It's scary and hard, but I think it would be in your best interest.

If you have any questions that you would like me to answer, send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Online, you will find a lot of people that give themselves the title Dominant-Master / Domme-Mistress or take on a cyber persona imitating that of famous ancient sadists.
Does that mean that they are real Dominants? Do they have the internal character makeup of what I term as a True Dominant? Or are they just bullies, players, and wannabes? I will explore this more in depth with this article. Let me state, I am not pointing out any group in particular, I am just expressing what I see as the traits that a natural, true Dominant exhibits. You are welcome to express any views you may have that support or differ from mine in the comments section, if you wish.

For a submissive, finding an appropriate Dominant partner is something that should be approached with a great deal of thought. Just because a man is dominant does not mean he will make a good Dominant. There are several traits a submissive needs to look for in a potential Dominant.

But first, look deep inside yourself and decide what you want and need from a BDSM relationship. Make sure you are being realistic and not living in a fantasy if you are seeking a real life Dominant. Believe me, being chained on one position all night to a bed without being let up to pee, or kneeling on tile or hardwood on your knees for hours at the feet of your Dominant are not fun. It hurts. So, be realistic in your needs, expectations, and wants, but most of all your limits. 

The Dominant is always in control of themselves.

How can a Dominant control a submissive if he or she is unable to control him/herself? The Dominant you choose should always have control of their own life and emotions. Subs/slaves do not get turned on by whiny wannabe dominants. A Dominant that screams and shouts to get things done, is not attractive.

The Dominant sees your submission as a gift.

Submission is a gift that is given and never taken. If it is taken that is abuse and the one that takes it is not a Dominant but a bully. 

The Dominant always takes responsibility.

When you are restrained, you are depending on your Dominant's care for your safety. Ensure your Dominant knows your scene, the safety challenges and make sure you both know the safe words or hand gestures in place. A Dominant will always honor these.

A Dominant will know and accept their limitations.

False pride can be dangerous. When dealing with the life of another, as some scenes in fact do, you need to trust that your Dom knows and accepts their limitations. He does not think he is a god and above all reproach. He knows that he is only human.

A Dominant does not demand Respect.

You will automatically show basic respect for Dominants as a vanilla person shows respect for other people. As you get to know the Dominant better, you will learn to respect him more. A Dominant will not demand respect from anyone. They know they must earn your respect the same way you must earn theirs.

A Dominant is never a bully.

A Dominant will never bully you into doing something that is on your hard limits list. They don't whine, coerce, or scare you into anything. They accept your submission as a gift and honor all of your limits.

A Dominant is always Patient.

Patience is very vital for every Dominant to have. They understand that a submissive will make mistakes, especially during the first months of their relationship and training. The D/s relationship is a work in progress and never completed, but always improved.

A Dominant is Loyal.

For trust to occur, both sides of the relationship must be loyal to each other.

A Dominant must be Intelligent.

This is common sense, not a PHD in BDSM. A Dominant should know what toys are for and how they work. Anything you plan in a scene should be safe beyond question.

A Dominant should possess Humility.

Humility requires that the Dominant possess a feeling of self-worth and an understanding they are not infallible.

A Dominant will always be Honest.

The D/s relationship is based on trust. Without honesty, there is no trust and there is no relationship.

A Dominant shows Courtesy. 

A Dominant should show courtesy to peers and submissives both.

A Dominant will show Compassion.

A Dominant is Understanding and responds to your needs by knowing you and your mindset well. This means observing your actions and analyzing the motives behind those actions.

A Dominant always has Open Communication with his sub/slave.

The Dominant should have a great ability to listen, as well as speak. Honest communication is vital to the relationship between you and your potential Dominant.


I have also found this written by some unknown author on the internet that I think totally fits my vision of a True Dominant. 

Above all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all.

A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another.

A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others.

As a stern and demanding Dominant, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears; As a consummate lover, they will kiss such tears away without stepping out of character.

In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind and be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two individuals.

A Dominant is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.

A Dominant will never ask a submissive to put them before the submissive’s career or family just to satisfy their own pleasure.

To win a submissive’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, a Dominant knows they must first win the submissive’s trust.

A Dominant will show their submissive humour, kindness and warmth.

A Dominant must always show their submissive that their guidance and tutoring in knowledgeable and deserving of the submissive’s attention, that the Dominant is a person they can learn from in whom they can trust their direction.

A Dominant is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive’s honour.

A Dominant proves to their submissive that they are someone who can be leaned upon and depended upon.

When it comes time to teach their submissive a lesson in obedience, a Dominant is a strong and unyielding teacher.

A Dominant will accept no flaw; nothing less than perfection from their student.

Never does a Dominant use discipline without good reason. When they punish their submissive it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.

A Dominant is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive’s wants and needs.

A Dominant is patient, taking time to learn their submissive’s limits and knowing that as the submissive’s trust in them grows, so to will they grow.

A Dominant never has to demand ritual behaviour from their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the desire to please, not the fear of punishment.

A Dominant understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them.

A Dominant is secure enough to laugh at themselves and the absurdities of life; open-minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.

A Dominant’s tools are mind, body, spirit, soul and love.

A Dominant understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/ther. And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bonds that truly hold.

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