Michelle Fegatofi

Envy is defined as a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or life. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone). Let's face it, most of us get envious when we see how other people portray their lives online. They talk about how perfect their relationships are, how much money their partner spends on them and generally how the grass is always greener on their side of life. Many people do this to gain attention while others try to make up a fantasy world that is not a real representation of their actual daily lives.

This is no different when it comes to the world of BDSM. You can go into pretty much any Lifestyle related group and find any number of posts bragging about how 'submissive A' has the best Dominant because of blank blank reason. In my experience, I have realized that it is mainly submissive females that are always trying to 'Out Submissive' all the other subs in their environment.

There are Dominants out there that do brag about things, but if you really pay attention, it is normally subs that are the ones who try to make others jealous and envious of their relationships. Don't be like them and don't fall into that trap!

I know, as a dedicated submissive, most of you are very happy and proud of your BDSM dynamic and want to share it with the world. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. It's not. However, there is a huge difference in bragging and trying to show off to your friends online versus simply stating how much you love and are devoted to your dominant partner. 

I admit I have had envious thoughts throughout my life and a longing for the dynamic that I have now. Before meeting Padrone, I had been in different D/s dynamics, but never any deeply serious ones as compared to the one I am in now. I always wanted a Dominant that would take care of me, guide me, love me, and allow me to be myself in all ways. I read about so many relationships that were like that and I wondered why I couldn't find it. Why could I not have that?

Well, after I started paying more attention to these 'perfect' online relationships, I realized that they never seemed to last over a few months. If they were so perfect, why were they not in it for the long haul? The answer is simple. They weren't perfect. They were far from it. The people involved mainly had what I call a 'look at me' type of relationship. 

What is a 'look at me' type of relationship? I define it as those relationships or online dynamics where one or both partners are constantly talking about how much they love the other one; how they can't live without each other; and how neither of them ever have any problems with the other. These are couples that have the continuous need to express really private feelings and information online for the entire world to see. They are usually overly zealous in telling each other how wonderful they are together and how there is no one else that could ever take their place. These are also the same couples that usually end up trading in their partner for another one and start showing the world those exact same tendencies with the new person.

Feeling envy is a natural human emotion. If left unchecked though, it can get out of hand and have a negative impact on your life and your emotions. If you feel envious of other people's lives, sit back and look at your own life. 

Envious thoughts in a submissive only lead to bad things. The submissive journey should be one filled with as much happiness as possible. Being envious can and will affect your daily life, your ability to submit fully to your Dominant partner, as well as have a huge negative impact on your emotions and thoughts. 

How can you overcome the negativity of envious thoughts?

• Shift your focus to the goodness in your life.
• Remind yourself that nobody has it all.
• Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. (Especially monetary and materialistic things)
• Spend time with grateful people.
• Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame.
• Celebrate the success of others.

Right now, you may not be in the type of relationship you want or living the life you dreamed of having. You may covet the dynamic or life you see others depict online, but you have to be thankful first for your life, including everything and everyone in it. 

Start to turn your own life around and the happiness you want will follow.  

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Michelle Fegatofi

This week's Talk Tuesday topics are once again very diverse subjects. I think many of you will learn new things because I have not written about these topics before. This week's topics cover "Collaring", "Submissive having more Career Success than the Dominant", and "Dominants dealing with Chronically ill Subs".

Question #1) "I have a vanilla relationship. We discussed about bdsm a few years ago and figured out that this is nothing for us. But for me I ask myself sometimes, why am I so sick and have such feelings. I told nothing to my wife and fight against my feelings, tried to life my unfilled vanilla Life. I can't tell her about other women, especially to go to women and pay for them.


So far so good, that's my situation. Ok, one time I decided to pay for women instead of starting a new relationship for finding my inclinations. And then I met Lady V! She opens mind. She will come in two weeks back in town and I will meet her again. I think I have to talk to her very much about the first Time with her, my feelings and which way we will continue. And here is my most important question: How can I tell Lady V that I want to become her slave and that I want to find out more about feelings?"

The first point I have to make is that you are not having 'sick feelings' just because you enjoy being a submissive male to a female dominant. It's just a part of who you are. Never be sorry or feel ashamed of that. Now, as far as your vanilla wife, you have to determine yourself how much it will hurt her if your relationship with Lady V is discovered. I would honestly consider all ramifications if she ever found out before entering into a secret relationship. As far as becoming Lady V's submissive/slave, you would first need to make a formal request to her and ask if she would put you under consideration for the privilege of becoming her sub or slave in the future. Then the conversation will go from there between the two of you.

I suggest you read the following article to find out about Collaring:
bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/01/all-about-collars


Question #2) "My submissive is more successful than I am in her work career. She makes much more money and is in a very high profile position. When it comes to our relationship, I am completely in control and she is very submissive to me. Even so, I sometimes feel that she doesn't need me and am slightly jealous of her career success. How do I balance being her Dominant while curbing my jealousy about her career success?"

That is not an easy situation to be in. You have to remember that you both have the option to walk away at anytime and you both choose to stay in the relationship. If she cared about your wealth or career success, she would not have chosen to continue to stay with you as her Dominant. You obviously provide something that she can only find when she submits to you. I suggest you focus on your relationship and being the best dominant you can to her and not worry about career and money situations outside of that. If you are not happy in your own career choices, why not think about changing jobs or going back to school to gain the skills you need to apply for a higher paying job?


Question #3) "Have any of you had a huge fight with your Sir or Ma'am and just cant shake it?? Even after apologies were said? I have on going health problems, one being chronic pain. Sometimes, i have major anxiety attacks. Right now i'm in the grieving process i'm in anger. My Mistress said today ' I just don't know how to deal with you anymore'" 

I have two trains of thoughts on this. First, is that your Mistress may not have meant that and was just frustrated at the time because of you having multiple ongoing health problems. It is really tough for some people to deal with and they do the best they can, but can never really understand what we go through (I deal with a rare form of Epilepsy so understand your situation somewhat). If you think this is the case, then you need to talk to her and tell her about your frustrations and how her words hurt. You might also make suggestions to her if there are things she can do when you are feeling bad to help you feel better.

My second thoughts are that she may not be a person that can handle someone with a chronic illness. Not all people can and you should not blame them if they can not. But, if that is the case, I strongly suggest you ask for release. If you continue down this path, you both will just become more and more frustrated over time and the end results are never good for either party. If you haven't sought help for your anxiety problems, I encourage you to try to find professional psychological help. Never be ashamed to ask for help in any situation.

I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and you learned something new. If you have your own question you would like us to answer, please send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I would like to introduce you all to a wonderful couple, Master Grimm and Slave Nalani.

They are a 24/7 BDSM couple that live the lifestyle while being cross-country or long haul truck drivers. I found Nalani so fascinating and their dynamic so beautiful, I asked her to share her story with us. I will be posting an entry from her each month. Below is her first post. One of the first lessons we all can learn from this wonderful couple is that you can't let anything stand in the way of your happiness. If you want to live the Lifestyle, there is always a way. Now, enjoy reading.

Slave Nalani & Master Grimm

'I would like to introduce myself first before I start writing on my Journal's. My name is slave Nalani. I was born and raised in Rotterdam, The Netherlands. I am 35 years and old lived my whole life in Europe before I moved to the United States of America 3years ago.

As child I was always by myself and didn't have any good friends. Maybe it was because I was different than most kids, which I now know that was the case.

Both of my parents worked, my father as cook and my mother in the fabric industry. At age of 16, I found myself alone, standing on my own two feet. From that point on, I looked at the world wondering how to make it through, because I didn't have my parents anymore. As time went by and I became older, my submissive feelings became stronger, especially when I looked at black leather items and when I started to watch some erotic things. It was very strange to me, but I do need to emphasize that I was perfectly comfortable with it and with who I was.

I went to the Erotic Expo and ended up in the special part of it called "The SM Area" in Europe. My eyes were focused on the girl who got candle wax poured over her body and I watched all of the stuff the Dominant did to her. I felt warm while looking at it, and thought to myself “Wow wish I was that girl!” From that moment I knew, I was positive about who I really was for all those years!

As I researched more into the Why's and the How's online, I came across lots of information that took time for me to realize that this was what I really needed. I mean did I really want those spankings? Do I really want to have a ball in my mouth or the burning wax on my body? Then I started thinking that yes, it is exactly what I want. Why would my body get warm from it and why would my blood start flowing faster through my veins if I didn't really need it?

So I started reading books online and watching movies. The more information I found, the happier I became! One story I was reading online was about a couple who lives as Master and slave and oh my goodness that was exciting! The woman slave was explained how much she enjoyed her lifestyle and how much she loved to get her playtime with her Master, who was also her Husband.

Every time I read those stories, I felt warm all over and so happy at the same time! The more I searched and tried to find answers, the more I knew I am a submissive girl. I started hoping to become as happy as all those people who wrote about their lives online and in books one day.

But unfortunately I lived without BDSM or happiness for many years and I ended up in the wrong type of marriage, where I felt miserable and not happy at all! I got a divorce after being mistreated for years and again found myself alone. I worked and moved on with my life alone, which was a very painful time. I had no one to share my thoughts with, no one to share my needs with. How long could I hold it together like that?

I made some friends during that time who were cool, or so I thought they were. We talked a lot and had some good conversations. I thought well you know what? Now is the time to tell them that there is something different about me, so I did! I told them I had special feelings inside me and that I wished I could let it all out. Of course they didn't know what I was talking about, so I told them that I am a submissive and that I hope to find a Real Man in my life who will be my Master. Man, I was so wrong for telling them. They laughed and made fun of me! They told me that they "can beat me up" and that I don't have to live this lifestyle telling "bring me a newspaper we spank you”. I wished I hadn’t opened my mouth, but I thought it was okay. I stopped them from making fun of me and distanced myself from them.

More time went by and there was still no one to share my feelings with and no one to give my gift of submission to. Was I going to end up by myself in this world? Am I that strange to people that they are afraid of me for being a submissive? Why do people not understand that this is what makes me happy, that this is what I need? I need to be dominated to be controlled. My body needs to be taken to that place that only I can feel.'

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Michelle Fegatofi

Many new people to the world of BDSM don't have the education and/or experience to tell the difference of what is considered 'normal' and what is abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle.

Here is a list of things to look out for that are obvious signs of an Abuser posing as a Dominant.

• Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.
• Isolating the submissive from family and friends
• Discouraging self sufficient behavior
• Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the Dominant
• Out of control jealousy
• Explosive temper
• Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way
• Abuses drugs/alcohol
• Does not take responsibility for mistakes
• Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive
• Emotional Blackmail - example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.
• Emotional Withdrawal - example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.
• Withdrawal of affection
• Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.

If your Dominant shows any of these signs on a consistent basis, please seek advice or help from experienced Dominants or subs to get an unbiased opinion of the situation.

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Michelle Fegatofi

There are many types of BDSM relationships, from one-on-one monogamous, submissive swapping, to monogamous Poly families.

Polyamory is defined as the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved. Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse.

Polyamorous relationships take many forms and can include many different levels of intimacy. In some relationships, a couple will have a single dedicated partner with whom they share a series of affairs. Another person may be actively “single” while participating occasionally or often in the committed relationships of others. A couple may be committed to each other and to a third… or to another couple. One person who is part of a couple may be dedicated to another person who is also in a committed relationship, without the involvement their significant others. The possibilities are limited only by the needs and desires of the parties involved.

Polyamory is not something you involve yourself in because it will please your dominant. You have to desire to be in a relationship with more than one person and more than one gender. It has to come from inside you and you have to ensure that when you involve yourself with a dominant that has candidly stated that he wants more than one submissive or slave, or get involved with a couple, that you are very sure of yourself and not at all prone to jealousy.

The roles have to be clearly defined and there must be complete honesty in everything that happens. Everyone must be able to share their feelings and thoughts as they happen and prevent any bad feelings from simmering and damaging the dynamic. A submissive in a relationship with a dominant and multiple other submissives should know that all of the submissives are important and that in the end it is a privilege to serve a dominant who provides for everyone. The moment jealousy and entitlement interferes, the groups tend to break up, even when all involved cared about each other. Submission in a polyamorous situation takes even more strength than submission to one does.

If you are thinking about involving playmates or bringing on a permanent new equal as a 3rd, you have to have ground rules that all will agree to and follow. This is very important to make sure that everyone feels equal and included in all dynamics of the relationship. Open and Honest communication between all parties is a must. There can be no secrets. If you are feeling any type of negative feelings, you should tell your Dominant first and then the partner with whom you have the negative feelings as soon as possible. If you don't, it will just fester and grow until a big blow up occurs.

Be careful in picking the potential playmate/new addition. Remember, there are people out there that are very deceptive and will pretend to be one way, until they get into the relationship, then slowly try to push you apart from your Dominant. Before inviting anyone to join you, make sure you and your Dominant have deep talks about the new person and lay all of your feelings, wants, needs, desires and expectations on the table. Make sure you are very sure and have given a lot of time into getting to know the new person before allowing them closer into your family.

Overall, a poly family can be a very loving, very fulling experience, as long as all parties stay honest and open with their feelings.

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Michelle Fegatofi

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book dedicated solely for Submissives:

1. You do have rights. You have the right to walk away at any time for any reason. 
2. No one can keep up a 24/7 high protocol lifestyle for long without a break for of kids, family, work and other life events. 
3. No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priapic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.
4. There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Dominance will make it go away.
5. Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it.
6. There are going to be times when you don't feel like having sex. It does and will happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it because it is just a part of life and does not mean you are a bad submissive.
7. Living a 24/7 Lifestyle is not a myth. Living 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.
8. There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. They are only human.
9. No one understands your collar and its true meaning but you. Being proud to wear it everywhere is different than showing it off at the local market.
10. Eventually, you're going to have to take off the slave cuffs to go to some real life appointment. Get used to it.
11. People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.
12. Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, if your dream Dominant turns into a frog.
13. If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, and ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you not going get it.
14. Just because you call yourself a slave, doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't growl at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.
15. Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one.
16. There are things you won't do in Real Life that you role played with online. 
17. BDSM is not always about sex. 
18. People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. If you are not careful and always aware of your surrounds, you may get hurt in a non-consensual way.
19. Your Dominant is not a mind reader. You need to always be open and honest with your feelings.
20. Your Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. A Master does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.
21. An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.
22. Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

I was asked advice from a reader about her Dominant not being able to let go of the past.
She said that he is still friends with, or follows, his old cyber submissives and it makes her feel as though he can not cut ties with the past completely and move forward. She has talked to him and told him how this makes her feel, and he said that she is just jealous and they mean nothing. He said he is completely committed to her and their relationship, and that others do not matter. But, the question she asked him, and that he did not answer, was why he continues, even now, when he is happy with her, to follow or be friends with them?

She went on to say that she thinks that he misses the interactions he had with them and all the attention, that maybe they gave him something or made him feel something, that she didn't. She knew he loved her, but was he craving something from one of the old subs? His answer was always No.

This was my answer. We have to remember our pasts because we can't change them. They shaped us into who we are today. We made mistakes and got stepped on and hurt, but also probably had regrets of our own. We may sometimes look back and wish we had not done some things or that we could go back and take a different path from the one we chose to walk. But we can not. So, we learn to live and let go and move on.

Some people do this by cutting ties completely with people, others feel that there is still some connection or something of interest so they may keep contact with that person, but in a different context that what had it had been before.

Other people have trouble putting some people from their past behind them, no matter how it makes their loved one feel. They seem to need to know what is going on with that person's life, because there was something left undone or unsaid, like an unfinished letter. They never got what I term as 'complete closure', with the past relationship. They may still feel something for that person and just not tell anyone else that little fact.

Whatever the reason, it is their decision and you have to come to terms with it. If your partner (sub or dom) is not hiding the fact they are still in some kind of contact with old partners, then you should not worry. It is when they lie by omission or just outright don't tell you that they still look into that ex partner's current business, via whatever social media they follow them on, that you should worry.

When two people unite and decide to start making a life together, that is when you should start your count. The past should stay in the past and never hold anything they did before you, against them. Yes, sometimes our pasts do come back to haunt us, but if that happens, you pull together and face it. Never be accusatory or go behind your partners back to check up on them.

You should have an open and honest communication and trust one another deeply enough that you know everything that is going on in his/her life. If your partner can't give you a straight answer, or you feel worse with the answer you got, talk it out. Rely on honesty and communication, without getting jealous and petty, to guide you through the conversation.

Take a step back and tell don't obsess over it. Tell yourself and teach yourself that, as long as you have your partner's care, love and heart, then there is nothing to worry about.

We as humans are always jealous of anything that might interfere or alter, in any way, the ones that we hold most dear and sacred. Paranoia and obsession with something you can't change will just make the entire situation worse.

So, my best advice, is let it go. If you find him changing, conflicting answers or stories, or something that just does not sound right, then call him on it outright and ask in a respectful way. When you hear the truth, you will know and feel it.

It also might be a case of curiosity. What I mean by that is that him keeping an eye on old subs or ex's might be to see how they have changed or to see if their 'true' personality comes out and how different they are now.

Final advice, let the past go and keep the past in the past, especially old relationships that may not make your partner happy. Second, never borrow trouble by making too big of a deal out of old flames being on a follow or friend list. Third, as long as the honesty and communication continue, the trust should still be there and the your relationship should be able to continue forward on a solid course.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Too often as submissives, we get so caught up in trying to anticipate and care for our Dominate's, we forget about ourselves.

We lose ourselves in our joy of serving. That is not good. We all need time to step outside of our role as submissives and reflect on our inner spirit, on our feelings, frustrations, goals, and weaknesses.

I will give you a scenario. You are feeling great and everything pretty much is right with your world. You anticipate all the things your Dominant needs, your tasks are all completed perfectly and you have not disappointed your Dominant. But, all of a sudden, you make a mistake, one seen by your Dominant as huge, but one you didn't know you were not supposed to do. You feel alone and frustrated. You don't know who to talk to. Your friends do not understand your situation or choice in lifestyles, and you don't feel you can express your hurt feelings and reasoning to your Dominant, because you made the mistake.

Well, this is the time you need to back off, accept you made a mistake and are human and do a little alone time and reflect on your mistake. Do not beat yourself up. You have probably already done that enough. You need to make sure you understand what exactly the mistake you made was and ensure that you do not make that same mistake again.

Take some time to be alone when you can. Absolute quiet is a good place to start. Sit or lay down in a comfortable position and just breath. Get all the stray, mean, weird, and useless thoughts out of your head, and concentrate on the sound of your heartbeat. Now, you have obtained a calm. Think about all aspects of your mistake you made and variations of that possible mistake (if they exist) and lock it away on your mental DO NOT DO list.

Now forgive yourself for that mistake. I am sure it wasn't that big or bad. Ask yourself if you need to bring it up with your Dominant in a respectful manner of if it's better to just let it go. That is up to you. Think long and careful on this. Remember, our Dominants do not want whiny, spineless subs, but one that thinks for themselves and can reason.

You should have a completely open and honest communication line to your Dominant. You should also never hold anything back from Him. But, you also have to ask yourself, is what you are feeling worth telling Him about it, or is it better to just internalize it, remember to not repeat it, forgive yourself and move forward? That is something that you have to think about.

Now, after you have gotten past your mistake, tell yourself how wonderful you are and remind yourself why you chose to be a submissive/slave. Don't get an ego, but you should be proud of yourself first. Proud of who you are, what you are, how you look, and how you serve your Dominant.

You can also take this time to reflect on goals that you or your Dominant has set out for you to work on. You know your weaknesses, use this time to try to think of ways you might start improving on them. You can use self-reflection as a time to dream about what may come, or what you want out of life.

I actually try to do this every day. Sometimes I am not alone when I do it, but I make sure I won't be disturbed by my own Padrone as I do take that 5 or 10 mins of quiet time to just be.

I know this isn't the usual type of blog post, but after some of the messages I have read, I felt that this needed to be said.

I learned a long time ago that sometimes, if done properly, self-reflection, meditation, or whatever you want to call it, can help keep your mind focused, open it up to new possibilities, help you deal with hurt feelings or even a bout of brattyness that might try to pop out.

Breath. Relax. Drift. Think.

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Michelle Fegatofi

ou  gracefully descend into the perfect required position and hold it, perfectly.

You always follow every single rule and never make a mistake. You never let any bad or down feelings come into your thoughts. You always are ready to serve, sexually, mentally, physically, or whatever other way is required. You never get sick. You never get tired. You never cry or whine. Your body is the perfect shape and you are in perfect health. You are the perfect submissive...

OK! Back to the REAL WORLD! That little paragraph would be what I call a summary of sorts from all of the fantasy BDSM erotica books that I have read over the past 10 years or so. In every book, the sub is a mess up front, but comes out the perfect submissive by the end of the book. That is total crap. We are humans first and foremost. No human can be, or ever will, be perfect. We can strive and strive to attain this high pedestal but will forever fall short. 

So, now we are all in reality, how can we become as 'perfect' a submissive as we can get? You have to constantly keep your mind open for new possibilities and realities. You have to attain knowledge and never stop learning. You also have to accept that you will never be perfect and you will never know it all. There is simply too much to know for anyone to know everything about the Lifestyle. 

Here is a list I like to think that if followed, will help you balance reality versus fantasy and not be so frustrated about being 'perfect'.

1. Accept and learn to love your imperfections. (mentally, emotionally, and physically) Just because you do not have a model's body, does not mean you are not beautiful. Everybody can feel sexy and beautiful, no matter your shape or height. 
2. Always remember knowledge is power, so never stop learning and reading.
3. Know your limits but be open to new adventures. When I say limits, I mean physical, mental, emotional, and also scene wise. If you have asthma, you know you can't participate in breath play or many types of bondage. Be up front with your Dominant so there are no accidents. Be open to try new types of play or toys though. Also be open to new rules that your Dominant may add. 
4. Always be honest with yourself and keep your feet planted firmly in reality. We have a tendency to get caught in the fantasy world of being a submissive, but the realities are so much different. Sure, you can get lost during play time because your Dominant will be there to catch you. Make sure you know and understand the realities that your duties as a submissive may involve. 
5. Accept that you will have emotional responses to things that may not be good or make sense. Jealousy is a very big one that can ruin the trust of a D/s or M/s relationship. Keep it in check. Never do anything to provoke your Partner to get jealous for no reason, but also, make sure if you do feel jealous, you discuss it with your Dominant first, before acting out in a way that could get you released. It is also OK to feel frustration, anger, disappointment, or sadness. Subs do feel the full range of emotions at one time or another. It's how you deal with them that makes the difference. 
6. It is OK to be tired or sick. We all get this way sometimes. If you are too tired or sick serve your Dominant as you would like to, tell them. It will probably be obvious to the Dominant, but it does not hurt to let them know exactly what is wrong with you. They are not mind readers. Remember though, do not use this as an excuse for laziness! I have epilepsy and still manage to serve my Padrone many times even if I am not feeling well. He usually has to make me sit or lay down. Dominants do not like lazy subs. 
7. Always communicate openly and honestly with your Dominant. Never keep secrets (unless its about a surprise party or something like that) from them. You expect your Dom to be the same with you so you have to be also. Always tell them exactly how you feel, how you are, or what is on your mind. Make sure you do it at appropriate times and in appropriate ways.
8. Never disrespect your Dominant or yourself. In public, private, or alone, always respect others. 
9. Do not let pride get in your way. You are never too good for anything your Dominant asks of you. Remember there is a difference between value and belief system making you question a task, versus the 'I'm too good' to do something task.
10. Stay true to yourself, to who you are and what you believe. 
11. Be Happy. If you are not happy with yourself, you can not make your Dominant happy. People do not like to be around others that are constantly complaining about being miserable. It brings everyone down. Before you try to submit to someone and make them responsible for your happiness, remember that to be happy, it starts inside yourself. 

Remember that you are perfect with all of your imperfections. And remember, the “perfect” submissive is one willing to submit and accept the control of another in their life while also growing into someone who can intelligently fulfill the accepted desires and hopes of the Dominant to the satisfaction and enjoyment of both.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Becoming a true submissive is a process.
Even if you feel you were born to serve a Dominant, there are going to be areas that are going to be very difficult at times. One of these areas is in regard to jealousy. When you give yourself to a Dominant, you are telling him that you belong to him and that you are entrusting him with your well-being... physically, mentally, and emotionally. Although this sounds incredibly romantic, it can also be very difficult. It means you must, at times, sacrifice your wants and needs for the wants and needs of your Dominant.

Jealousy is a negative emotion and can cause a great deal of trouble in a relationship. Jealousy can rip a relationship apart if it gets out of control and may cause you to lose your partner. Losing them is the very thing we are most afraid of when we are jealous, is it not?

You have the right to feel jealous. How you express that emotion is another matter. You don't have the right to control another's actions with jealousy. Do not attack your partner out of jealousy. Express your feelings in a positive manner.

A good Dominant/submissive relationship is one in which there is a lot of communication. Much of this communication should take place before you actually make any kind of commitment to the relationship. There are certain rules that should be established ahead of time. Whereas some Dominants are happy with one submissive, there are others who desire more than one submissive. This is something you should discuss with your Dominant ahead of time, especially if you are prone to jealousy.

Jealousy might seem like a sign of love. But when someone uses it to try to control what you do, this isn't love or submission - it's control. Everyone has the right to talk to anyone they want to. It also isn't in keeping with the tradition of being a submissive to use jealousy to control another's actions.

Jealousy, in and of itself, is not wrong. Jealousy is a natural emotion. What causes the problem is how we act upon the jealousy that we are feeling. Jealousy can cause people to act out in very unbecoming ways. For a submissive, such acting out can mean the end of the relationship with her Dominant.

No one should purposely provoke jealousy in a partner. That is a dangerous game to play. It is the Doms job to create an atmosphere of safety for his submissive and a submissive should never provoke jealousy in her Dom as it is her job to demonstrate that she is loyal and cannot be had by another who happens along.

Giving yourself to a Dominant means trusting him to always keep you safe and to keep your well-being in mind. This doesn't mean you will always agree with him. This doesn't mean you will always enjoy certain things. What it does mean is that as long as you are committed to the relationship, you will trust him and the decisions that he makes.

As long as you are consumed by the negative energy of jealousy, it is unlikely that any positive resolution will be possible. You must let go of your own suffering, step back and examine the relationship in depth, and then make a reasoned response. Only once the emotion has been defused, can clear thinking become possible.

Never be afraid to ask your Dominant questions... especially in the beginning. It can be very easy to overlook certain warning signs if you are very taken in by a Dominant's many attributes. If you do care for your relationship and want to keep the relationship on track and moving in a positive direction, then use a NAME statement to address the behavior. 

The NAME statement shows respect for your partner and is very specific. This kind of communication puts the emphasis on what you see and what you feel, not on blame toward your partner. 

N - name the specific behavior that you find causes you to feel jealous

A - announce the specific setting … time & place the behavior occurred

M - mention your reaction & the feeling it arouses in you

E - explain and own your feelings

Most of all, always be open and honest with your partner and keep the lines of communication open. 

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