Michelle Fegatofi

Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! This week I chose a variety of questions I hope you find interesting and informative. This week's topics cover 'Breakup due to Falling in love', 'Properly addressing Dominants', and 'Renewing Old D/s Contracts'.

Question #1) "My Dominant doesn't believe in having submissives that he loves. I told him that I was falling in love with him and wished to take our relationship to the next level. He promptly released me and said while saying he wasn't in love with me and never would fall for any of his subs in that way. I am now broken and don't know where to turn or what to do next. Any advice or directions you can provide will help."

First I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you have a support system to help you get through this. Breakups are never easy and it can be especially hard when in a D/s relationship. Since I don't know if you had a contract or if he was upfront with you about the consequences of developing feelings for him, I won't try to elaborate on that point. What I will tell you is this: you have to allow yourself time to cry and grieve the loss of your dominant. You need to take time for yourself and cry, eat ice cream, scream in your pillow, curse his name and say every mean nasty thing about him you ever wanted to your stuffed animal, pout and wallow in sorrow right now because that is the first step to healing. After a week or two goes by, you have to make yourself start living again, little by little. Spend time with your friends. Take walks outside for a few minutes by yourself to just enjoy nature. Take this time to look deep inside yourself and get to know you again. And do not rush into another relationship or look for another one for at least 6 months. The reason I say 6 months is because that is normally the least amount of time people need to completely get over their previous relationship. I hope this helps. If you want to talk further or need a shoulder, you can always email me.

Question #2) "I have been around the Lifestyle now for a few months and have noticed that online, many so-called dominants demand every sub call them Sir. I have actually been kicked out of a couple of groups because I called the dominant that ran the group by his first name. I was led to believe that you don't call anyone Sir unless they are your own Dominant. Am I right or wrong? Thanks."

I personally do not call anyone other than my own Master (Padrone) by any title unless my own Padrone tells me to. I call them by their first name and that is it. In real life BDSM circles, if you call someone that is not your dominant by Sir, they will most likely look at you strangely or tell you to not address them as such because it is not proper. The lesson I usually try impart to new people in the lifestyle is that if a Dominant has to demand you call them Sir/Madam etc..., they are most likely not real dominants and are fakes or even abusers. Real dominants do not demand respect, they earn it overtime and are given it naturally.

Question #3) "I have a contract with my Dominant and it is 3 years old. Our relationship has changed since we wrote and signed it. I asked my Dominant if we can write a new one to make sure that we are both on the same page with terms/rules/regulations/punishments/protocols. He said the old one was just fine and we should know by now what to expect in every situation from the other one. I don't agree with this and really would feel better if we wrote an updated contract. How can I get him to agree to this without stepping out of my submissive boundaries and seeming pushy?"

I spoke with my Padrone (Dominant/Master) about this situation and he and I both do not understand what the problem is with updating the existing contract to reflect your relationship as it is now. If your dominant does not want to update the contract after you have sat down and explained to him your own reasons for wanting to, then there seems to be some other underlying problems that you might need to dig into deeper. I would suggest broaching the subject one more time being a little more assertive than you were last time, but still respecting your dynamic. If he still does not want to redo the contract, write it up yourself and present him with it. Ask him to read and sign it. If he still refuses, then you have to decide for yourself what your next step will be.

I hope you enjoyed this installment of Talk Tuesday. If you want to participate in the conversation further, please leave a comment below.

Read more »

Post title: " BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday for 5 May 2015 "

Michelle Fegatofi

This past week has brought a firestorm of responses about my personal description of what an Alpha sub is as well as to a post I wrote for Lady Hecate's The Lair of Lady Hecate website about my thoughts on new terms that have been popping up around the BDSM online community such as Alpha sub, brat, and primal. I have received comments ranging from those that agree with me and those that adamantly oppose anything I write about. I never try to push my thoughts on others, but do speak my mind and stand by my beliefs.

I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.

Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.

I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!

Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.

There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.

Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.

At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.

We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.

So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.

Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.

You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.

Read more »

Post title: " Are the Core Principles of BDSM Being Compromised by New Terminologies? "