Michelle Fegatofi

I'm very proud to announce that BDSM Basics for Submissives - Dealing with the Emotional and Mental Side of Submission has been nominated for the Golden Flogger award!

It is a great honor for me and Padrone Marco and was very unexpected. To see all the list of nominees, click this link bdsmwriterscon.com/nominees.

You can get your copy of the book at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple iBookstore, Kobo.com, and Google Play.

The winners will be announced at the BDSM Writers Con in NYC in August. Although we are not sure if we will be able to attend this year, I encourage you all to register and go if you can. Some of the events will include Workshops & Live Demos, BDSM Club Night, Award Ceremony, Author–Reader Mix & Mingles, BDSM Book Fair, and Between The Covers Erotic Reading Series.

BDSM Writers Con was founded by Dr. Charley Ferrer, who is a world renowned Clinical Sexologist and Sex Therapist. She is the first Latina Doctor of Human Sexuality in the US. She is the award winning author of over thirteen books on self-empowerment, women’s sexuality, and BDSM.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Today's questions span a variety of subjects, from 'what a Dominant is' to 'how to find a mentor'.

Be sure to read the links that I have listed after each question to become more informed about each of today's topics.

Question #1) "Many people go to school to get Certificates in various fields. After all when you receive a service you want some documentation that the person offering the service knows what he or she is doing. What makes a Master a Master? When someone says they are a professional Dominant what makes that so? Is it their number of years in the Lifestyle, what were they doing all of those years to develop skills as a Dominant or to maintain their skills. Just because a person has dominant tendencies what allows him to call himself a Master?"

This is a question that could be answered in many ways, depending on who you ask. First, let's address what exactly a Professional Dominant is. These are people who are Dominants for hire. They dominate people, have sessions with them, for a price. You usually see more women (Mistresses) than men in these types of roles.

Now, to address the difference between a Dominant and a Master. A dominant is a person that is in a role of authority over another person. This is a person that has a naturally dominant character. A dominant can be a male or female. They normally do not do it for money. They consider themselves Dominants instead of a Master because they have submissives and not slaves. They usually only dominate in the bedroom or certain parts of a sub's life, but not in every part of a sub's life.

A Master is someone that usually has years of experience and knowledge in the lifestyle. They have a submissive that is usually submissive 24/7 and many times consider the submissive to be a slave. They know their slave so deeply that many times they anticipate the needs of the slave without any words being said.

Many times, people can and will interchange the terms Dominant and Master. New people with no experience will call themselves Master just because they think they deserve the title. In my humble opinion, someone can't be a Master without ever having owned a slave, just as a submissive

can't be a slave without ever having been owned and served a Master.

For further reading on related subjects:

Master Taino's BDSM Philosophy

Submissive vs Slave

What Type of Submissive are You

Titles and Classifications in BDSM

Question #2) "My life all the time was one vanilla. Now since year and a half ago, I met a man and I fell in love with him. We spend time daily talking and talking. And he said that he wants to collar me and start training me. One of the hardest things (for me) is the he wants to own a slave, me. 

Honestly I don't like the idea and it makes me feel sick. I can't see him with another woman and I can't imagine being with another woman touching or licking for real. But he desire that with me. We have a huge disagreement that day. The next day I told him that I used to masturbating me thinking on something like that and I said him that maybe I can do it for real... for him not for me.
Honestly I don't think I will feel happy with that .. and I don't know what to do, every time he said something about that I turn angry and upset. I need some kind of light in this moment. I will appreciate every word that you for me, all this Master/slave is so new for me and many things catch my attention a lot but this ones is hurting me a lot."

First, never do anything that you do not want to do. BDSM is all about Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If he demands you do something that is against your will, say no and walk away. Being a slave in BDSM is a complete consensual thing. It is solely the choice of the submissive to give their submission to a dominant. It does not mean that you really are owned like property. If you aren't comfortable with being a slave but you are intrigued by becoming a submissive, try that first. I strongly encourage you to read everything you can find about BDSM in general and concentrate on the role of a submissive. 

I recommend you read these websites in depth to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle:

www.bdsmunveiled.com

www.submissiveguide.com

Question #3) "How does one find a mentor and what exactly are the duties of a mentor?"

There are many ways to find a mentor in BDSM. Becoming friends online with someone that is known and has been involved in the Lifestyle for a long time. Also, going to munches and making friends might help you find a mentor.

In my opinion, a mentor is someone that will answer questions and concerns that you have and help guide you, but not lead you as a dom leads a sub. A good mentor will give you options to a problem and step back to allow you to choose the path you want to take. They will help you navigate the lifestyle but will not put you on a path. 

Here are some helpful links for further reading:

Submissive Guide Four Things to Look for in a Mentor

The Role of a Mentor

I hope the questions above have helped broaden your knowledge in different BDSM topics. If you have a question you want me to address, email us at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

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Michelle Fegatofi

This week I received many different types of emails asking various questions related to the BDSM Lifestyle.

Below are a group of questions that are somewhat related in topic, so these are the ones that I've chosen to share with you this week.

Question #1) "Many Submissives find themselves without dominants for one reason or another (release, death, or simply not clicking with any Dominant, etc.). How do you nurture your submission when there is no one to submit to?"

Many submissives are in this situation, especially those new to BDSM. While in-between relationships or waiting to connect with your first Dominant, you should always try to educate yourself more by reading books and websites about the Lifestyle, but mainly about the different types and ways to submit. You can gain a solid base knowledge of what BDSM offers and ensure that you have a very good grasp of your own expectations.

You can practice different submissive positions and become fluid and graceful in transitioning between them. You can ensure that you you have your limits list completed and that you understand all,of your limit. To feel closer to other submissives or just to be around the Lifestyle more, visit online submissive groups or go to munches in your area.

While these do not replace or fulfill the need to serve a Dominant in a submissive way, staying educated and furthering that knowledge can help you feel more connected to the BDSM community, as well as helping you attain a better overall understanding of what your own place in the Lifestyle may be.

For further reading on this topic:
Submissive or Slave Training


Question #2) "Now that the JDI Dating site has been found to be creating profiles in order to get people to buy premium introduction packages, what can Submissives do to keep themselves from being victims of fake profiles on BDSM sites?"

While I wish I had a revolutionary answer for this, I fall back to common sense and the old saying 'if it's too good to be true, it usually is'. The main pitfalls to watch out for are obvious ones such as a person not willing to give you their real name or show you a real picture of themselves. If their profile boasts about having many years of experience and having been with many submissives, ask yourself why they kept changing submissives? If they boast about or show pictures of things that cost a lot of money, be skeptical. True dominants never show off or boast about financial matters.

If the dominant gives you the feeling that they really don't have a clue as to what they are talking about compared to the experience they say they have, that is a huge red flag. If a person demands you call them Master or anything other than their name when you first meet them, that's another red flag! Titles and respect are earned over time, never demanded.

I know of a few people that have portrayed themselves very convincingly as dominants and was able to hide their true nature or identities online from some very smart women. But, in the end, the 'dom' slipped up and the submissive found out exactly what they were about.

Use your instincts and be as careful and observant as possible, but don't be paranoid. While there are many fake people and profiles online, there are just as many real ones out there waiting to connect.

For further information:

Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
Predators are Everywhere

Question #3) "Why is it that when I am to the point that I am strong enough to carry on without him he sends me a message (I miss you) and drags me back in? Why does it hurt so much trying to get through the day without hearing from him? I have been reading a lot about fake and wanna be DD's and I really feel like this is what he is but I love and care for him so much that it doesn't matter to me. Am I putting myself in danger still wanting a D/s relationship with him?"

I think you are infatuated with this man and and will put up with almost anything from him just to hang on to a relationship in order to not be alone. Many women have an intense fear of being alone or growing older without a partner. You know the type of relationship you want and deserve. You should not compromise 75% of your expectations just to stay with someone that isn't worth all the effort you are putting forth. As far as being hurt, I don't see any other outcome from what you have told me. I see emotional and mental anguish during the course of the relationship and much more at the end.    

I would advise you to end the relationship, block all contact with him and move forward. It's scary and hard, but I think it would be in your best interest.

If you have any questions that you would like me to answer, send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Hello and happy Tuesday everyone! It's time again for Talk Tuesday!

I've picked two very interesting questions once again that I think will help further your own journeys into the BDSM Lifestyle.

Question #1) "How long after beginning a dialogue with someone on line (dating sites or Facebook) should you meet in person? I have had a few online inquiries who want to meet but I am always reluctant because most do not use their own name nor when asked do they provide much information about themselves. They also do not ask questions of me that make me feel that they want to get to know me. In fact, I feel hat they only want to meet to judge sexual attraction. What do you think?"

I believe in safety first. If you meet someone online, you should get to know the real them before meeting them in person. If someone refuses to show you a picture of their real face or tell you their real name, there is probably much more they are hiding. I'm not saying everyone is like that, but if someone likes you enough online that they want to meet in person, there should be no problem with telling you their real name, phone number, and the type of car they drive.

As far as time, it all depends on individual people. If you meet someone and you just connect, you know some of the same online people that can verify the character and real identity of the person, then maybe all you need is a month. For others, they are much slower and more cautious and meet years after first speaking online together.

Above all, follow you instincts. Make sure if you have any reservations at all, that you don't meet the person before you are comfortable. Always make sure you leave the meeting place, person's name and telephone number, and any other relevant information with a friend just in case.

Here are some links for more information on this subject:

First Meetings: Cyber to Real Life
Predators are Everywhere: Beware
A Tale of Caution for Cyber BDSM

Question #2) "OK I'm a male and in the bedroom I'm a sub and my partner is my mistress/wife. We like strap-on play gags whips ect. But biggest thing we like to do is I wear lingerie like bra, panties, stockings, garter but thats all no makeup, heels or anything further than that. But I guess the kicker is that I wear women's panties outside the bedroom 24/7 I love them they are more comfortable than boxers I won't ever go back. Anyways wearing panties outside the bedroom do I have a different sexual status I guess it would be called straight/bisexual ect. I'm a straight man though I do like receiving anal play from a form of strap-on tried reading up on it can't find anything on it, other than men wearing panties is becoming more popular."

You would probably amazed at how many straight men I have met or heard from with similar situations. They have no sexual interest in other men, have no interest in cross dressing or wanting to becomes a transgender. They are confused as to why they like having a strap-on used by a female to receive anal play. They dress in women's lingerie for they pleasure it brings them to follow the requests of their female partners. And many of them love the humiliation that can come from that. What they don't know is that they are male submissives and some are also masochists. I think in the bedroom you are a masochistic submissive.

Although it is definitely a different path from what society considers 'normal', don't stress about it. If you and your partner are comfortable and happy, then keep doing what you're doing.

Helpful links for more information:

Men wearing Women's Underwear Fetish
Underwear Fetishism

Remember that you can send me your questions anytime by emailing me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com! Come back next Tuesday for another round of BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday!

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Michelle Fegatofi

Today is the first in what I hope will become a weekly occurrence of me answering great questions submitted to me by readers from around the globe. Below there are a variety of topics discussed as well as some links to more in-depth reading. 

Question #1) "I call myself a babygirl/sub with a few slave traits. Babygirl=because I want to be protected and treated like a princesses, sub=because I want to please him and slave=because I have this need to serve him sexually and domestic. Am I classifying myself properly?"

                                       

Classifications are simply titles that we, as humans, need so that we may better explain to ourselves and others what we are, what we represent, or simply to feel more comfortable. Every sub wants to be protected by her Dom. That is a common trait among most subs. Now, 'being treated like a princess' is not what I would consider a submissive trait. We all want to be treated with love and respect by our partners and should expect a certain level of treatment, but not expect princess or queen treatment. To me, that is something that is more reserved for a dominant female. A baby girl usually wants a softer dominant with more lenient rules. As far as the differences between sub and slave, it varies from person to person. The needs you describe are all submissive traits. A slave is one that wants all decisions made for her. She craves rules, structure, and the peace of mind that comes with not having the responsibilities of decision making in most things pertaining to daily life. Both submissives and slaves want to serve their dominants in various ways. Decide if you want a relationship where most of, if not your entire life has decision made for you? If the answer is no, then you are not a slave but a submissive with a deep desire to serve her Dominant. As far as classifications, don't get too hung up on them because every person has their own variation of what a sub/slave/bg is. Just find one that you are satisfied with and go with it.

For more information, visit the following links:

Submissive vs Slave

Titles and Classifications

What Type of Submissive are You?

Question #2) "The Daddy Dom I was with for almost a year was wonderful, kind and loving. About 6 months into the LDR he started to change. He had 2 deaths in the family within a month of each other (one was his mother). He stopped tasking me saying that I wasn't doing as he wanted and that he was getting tired of having to revisit the same subjects over and over again because I "couldn't get them right" and talked about what a sucky sub I was and that I would be a better online sub because I could fake it better. I know deep down what I am, I know the needs and the cravings I have to submit. My question is if I feel it so strong why is it that I was having so much trouble learning and retaining the information he was trying to teach me?" 

First, I need to know how you were in the beginning when he was kinder? Where you able to learn and adapt to his ways and the things he was teaching you? Where the items he was trying to teach consistent or did he waver and change them? Just from the little you have told me, it sounds like you need a strong but kind and patient dominant that is extremely consistent in what he is trying to teach you. I think that a number of things contributed to what you term as your inability to learn. His inconsistent behavior, the pressures he was under from dealing with emotional stresses, and there were probably things in your own life that were a priority over your submission. I don't know on that last part, but it's just a guess. I think that life was one of many factors to the reasons you didn't work out, bit I don't think that you are unable to learn. With the right dominant and the right life circumstances, I think you will be a great sub.

For more information, visit the following links:

Respect and Submission

Submissive or Slave Training

Question #3) "The most heartbreaking post for me are the ones from submissives who are abused by fakers, abusers, and just plain creeps. Those who just abandon the Sub or string her along through online and long distance contact are not dominants. Recently I was reading an article that suggest that these things happen repeatedly and in such large numbers because we, the Submissives, are allowing it by not vetting the individual. Many Submissives have low self esteem and are just accepting anyone that wants to play with them. They are not following the information that clearly outlines safety in meeting and playing with someone. And most importantly they are not following their guts, questioning the slightest discrepancies in word and behavior and walking away. Are we failing to safe guard ourselves physical and emotional?"

Many abusive people use BDSM as a cover for themselves. They will call themselves dominant and will make an entire fake profile and history to catch new, inexperienced, or unwary subs. With the influx of people into the lifestyle over the past few years and the ever expanding internet, many people have dropped all precautions. New subs either don't know or just don't follow common sense safety precautions, online and in real life. We have to think about safety and take precautionary measures in both arenas because many relationships start off online and then transition into a real life situation. There are many females that come online with unrealistic expectations of what they are looking for and exactly what they might get into. I have come across many newbies that entered into an online D/s relationship with a person they had not known for longer than a week and had no clear understanding of what they were getting into. Needless to say, most of those relationships ended with hurt, confused, and misguided subs. I always advise new people to read everything about the lifestyle they can, possibly participate in discussion groups and maybe go to a few munches before ever considering any type of BDSM relationship. With knowledge, you have power and enlightenment. With an understanding of the lifestyle, you can be more cautious and better aware of the pitfalls, fake dominants, and other dangers lurking about. 

For more information, visit the following links:

Predators are everywhere - Beware

Warning Signs of a Fake Dominant

First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life

Thank you to the followers that submitted questions. I hope they were answered to your satisfaction and that the additional reading links gave you more information. 

If you would like my opinion on any BDSM related subject, send me your question at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com and they will be answered here next Tuesday. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Email me any BDSM related question and I will answer it on Tuesdays! Starting this Tuesday!

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Michelle Fegatofi

Introducing a new book from author Michelle Fegatofi!

BDSM Basics for Submissives tackles specific topics that every submissive/slave will deal with at least once in their submissive life. The first installment Dealing with the Mental and Emotional Side of Submission looks deeper into the psychological side of BDSM.

Over the years, I have found a lot of helpless and sometimes clueless submissives that were mentally and emotionally abused by dominants. They each felt like they deserved anything they got and never even questioned the dominants about their behavior. One of the hardest things to learn as a new submissive in the world of BDSM is how to navigate and deal with the whirlwind of mental and emotional stress that can come from being in a D/s or M/s relationship. Many people believe they are not allowed to feel any bad feelings, think bad or wrong thoughts, and always have to be a happy submissive. As humans, we all have to deal with negative feelings and thoughts from time to time, even though we may be submissives. This guide is a tool that will help you understand, analyze, and deal with different types of emotions and mental stresses associated with being a submissive.

Available in eBook format at:

Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Bdsm-Basics-Submissives-Emotional-Submission-ebook/dp/B00NT65UYS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1412285081&sr=8-2&keywords=michelle+fegatofi

Apple iBooks:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/bdsm-basics-for-submissives/id921971642?mt=11

Barnes and Noble:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bdsm-basics-for-submissives-dealing-with-the-mental-and-emotional-side-of-submission-michelle-fegatofi/1120416544?ean=9781312334168

Kobo:

http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/bdsm-basics-for-submissives-dealing-with-the-mental-and-emotional-side-of-submission

Coming Soon in Paperback!

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