With the flood of new people coming online and trying to learn about the world of BDSM, there has been a lot of confusion from many new submissives about what behavior is normal and what is abusive.
When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual.
Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.
Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.
I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.
Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship
When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual.
Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.
Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.
I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.
Silence
This can come in two main forms:
(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused.
(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused.
(B) Silence as punishment. Silence, or ignoring a submissive for punishment, is considered by some Dominants as an acceptable form of punishment. But a growing movement in many BDSM circles considers this to be a form of emotional abuse. A Dominant should know that a submissive will already punish themselves harsher and longer than their Dominant will if they make mistakes. Pleasing a Dominant and having him/her show pride in their submissive is one of the greatest pleasures a sub receives. If the Dominant ignores the sub to teach them a lesson, it only teaches them to feel alone, stupid and unworthy on top of whatever mental punishment they usually inflict on themselves.
Extensive Punishment
Most submissives get punished for various reasons from time to time. Some need more punishment than others while others crave punishment and try to trick the Dominant into it by being brats. If you are not a brat but get punished for every little mistake instead of the mistake being corrected at first, then this could be a form of mental abuse. If you constantly feel unworthy, stupid and unwanted because of the way and frequency your Dominant punishes you, then you need to step back from the relationship and look at it closer to determine if it is something you wish to continue with.
Manipulative Behavior
If your Dominant uses language or phrases in order to force you to perform an action against your will, that is mental abuse. An example could be telling the submissive they are a bad sub if they don't send naked pictures to their Dominant.
Threatening to End the Relationship
If a Dominant consistently uses the threat of ending the relationship for almost any reason, that is emotional and mental abuse. This is not something that should ever be used unless the Dom or sub is absolutely sure they want to leave the relationship.
Fear
Any threat or punishment that keeps the submissive in an almost constant state of fear is emotional abuse. If a Dominant is using fear to keep a submissive in line or in a relationship, the submissive should leave that relationship as soon as possible. In BDSM, there is good and bad fear. But to use fear against your submissive as a form of control constitutes abuse.
If you experience any of the above items, in any type of form, I urge you to step back and evaluate your relationship with your Dominant. Make sure you are not trapped in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, isolation, or unhappiness. Being in a real BDSM or D/s relationship should make you feel wanted, appreciated, and not alone.
Afterthoughts:
After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need.
Afterthoughts:
After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need.
Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship
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If you have not read Part 1 of our story, please do so first so this will make more sense.
My husband became increasingly angry at everything. He became more and more distant, colder than before, and scarier. His attitude and mannerisms became neurotic and paranoid, and the mental and verbal abuse increased. Padrone and I had been in almost constant contact because he was worried about my husband snapping and physically doing harm to me or the children. He came close with me a couple of times, but never physically harmed us. He never showed any signs that he would ever harm the boys, and I never thought he would.
In late July 2011, our internet and lights got cut off because he didn't pay the bills. I still have no idea where all the hundreds of thousands of dollars he conned from those poor unsuspecting people and investors went. He definitely wasn't using it to pay bills. He let the plates and insurance expire on both of our cars and didn't even pay the monthly payments on them. But luckily, I still had my connection to the internet through my Blackberry and to Padrone. I could not loose that connection. He was the only ray of sunshine in an ever darkening world. At that time, things were so bad for me that I couldn't even find joy in my children anymore, even though I loved them unconditionally. My mental health was literally deteriorating.
I told Padrone about the problem with the bills because I had to get it off my chest. Completely and unexpectedly, he sent me $1100 via wire transfer. He had never met me in person. He just went with his instincts and followed his heart and trusted that I wasn't scamming him. I went to Walmart and picked it up, telling my husband my Mom had paid the bills for us to get the internet and electricity back on. After getting everything reconnected, I had about $700 left over. I hid it in an old purse that I wasn't using in order to keep it from being taken by my husband. For about 1 1/2 years prior, he never allowed me to have any money, except for very specific things. He would only give me money to go get coffee with my friends because he expected me to keep up appearances. He wouldn't even give me money for gas. He wouldn't allow me to use any debit or credit cards. I was completely and totally at his mercy.
Padrone made plans to come to the US to see me in mid-August of 2011. At that time, we had toyed with the idea of moving so we could finally live together, but had not made any solid plans because we lived in different countries, I had children and was still living with my husband. For my own mental health and because of my growing dependence on Padrone for guidance, strength and emotional support, I had been spending all of my time with my head buried on my phone. No matter where I was, as long as I could talk to Padrone, I was going to do so, even if it was just mundane things.
My husband started getting suspicious because of the amount of time I was spending on the phone. He had paid little to no attention to me in over 4 years or longer, but all of a sudden took an interest. I think his increasing paranoia made him suspicious of everyone and everything. He believed that someone was always trying to "get him". By then, he didn't care anything about me, but didn't want to lose his free housekeeper/cook/babysitter/secretary. He stayed up for three days and nights, barely sleeping, trying to find evidence of what I was doing because he had no clue. He was that detached from what was going on in my and the boys lives, as well as to our daily routines. I had been online for at least 2.5 years reconnecting to the BDSM community.
He found evidence of my relationship with Padrone and went ballistic! He started throwing stuff all around the house. He got in my face and kept threatening to beat me and hoping that I would have a seizure and stop breathing. He looked like a completely insane or psychotic person. I had never seen him that crazy before. I was shaking and yes, I did have many seizures because of his emotional and mental abuse.
He took my cell phone away and demanded the password to get in. I wouldn't give it to him. He took all of my identification away. He took my car keys and house keys away. He took all the home phones out of the house, as well as disconnected the computers, except for one in the office. He then slept in the home office to guard the computer to ensure I could not use it or have any contact with the outside world. He would not let me leave the house for three days. In those three days, he took over all of my email accounts, vanilla and BDSM online accounts, and every other account I had. He changed the passwords and pretended to be me.
All of my friends on FB thought I had gone crazy at first, but quickly figured out it was him and they blocked that compromised account. He sent threatening, demented sounding emails to Padrone telling him he better not come to California because something bad would happen to him. When he wasn't harassing my friends online, he was harassing me at home. He would make threats to hit me. He would grab my shoulders and shake me hard and yell in my face. He said that if I wanted to be a somebody's BDSM slave, he would keep me chained up in the house and beat me until I bled. He threatened me so much that I literally shut down and curled into a ball. My children were there the entire time he was doing this stuff. In an effort to protect them, I sent them to play for hours at the next door neighbor's house or would tell them to stay in their rooms. He kept me in constant eye supervision and I had no way to get away or any means to contact anyone, not even my family.
After his own scare tactics on Padrone failed, he turned to a different strategy. At first, he made Padrone believe that I had changed my mind about our relationship and about him coming to the USA to see me. He had read my emails and studied the way I wrote and the words I said to Padrone in normal conversation and wrote a few emails under my name telling Padrone I had changed my mind and did not want to meet him, that I loved my family and was going to try to work out my problems. Padrone believed it at first and kept asking for explanations as to what had changed my mind and if I was sure. For a couple of days, my asshole husband almost did a very convincing job. Padrone was extremely depressed and could not understand why, all of a sudden, I would not want to see him, even if it was just to meet in person and nothing more. He contacted everyone of our mutual friends he could think of, to try to find out any information he could. He even contacted a person that lived in the same area I did, to see if he knew anything. Remember, he and none of my other friends knew that I was being held hostage inside my own house.
As my friends on FB began to know he was impersonating me, they became increasingly adamant that he give me my access to the internet back because they were afraid at what he might do. They had heard the stories of how crazy he was, and were all worried for my safety. Padrone said that had been one of the longest 72 hour periods in his life.
On the fourth day, we were out of everything and needed food. He gave me $10 and told me to go to Costco and what exactly to buy. He sent our oldest child with me to and told him to tell him anytime I got on the phone and what I said when we got back. Luckily, my son was more interested in some candy and a new toy than what I was doing. I got on a messaging system called Pinger that only Padrone and I knew about and sent him a message telling him what had happened briefly and that everything that had been sent to him and said to him by my husband was total bullshit. I told him I still wanted and needed him to come because he was my only anchor to reality. He was the only reason I had stayed sane. He was the only one that understood me and believed in me and actually cared about me.
At first he didn't believe that it was me. But after a couple of messages, the last message that day was "I have bought you a one-way ticket to come back to Italy with me to stay". There was no talking about it. There was no asking me. He just did it. It would be up to me if I used that ticket or not. I had exactly 1 week to figure it out. Those were some of the longest, scariest, loneliest days I have ever experienced in my life.
I had a lot of thinking to do. I had to come to terms with my decision one way or the other very quickly. On one hand, if I stayed, I would lose Padrone, the person that had come to mean so much to me even though it was such a short amount of time we had been together and the fact we had never met in person. I would still have my children, but my situation was so bad, and my husband so unpredictable towards me, I had no idea what could happen.
On the other hand, if I got on that plane with Padrone, I would have to leave my children behind because of the laws, their father, and because I could not just uproot them and take them to a foreign place where they didn't speak the language, know the customs, or understand what was happening. I would also have to leave behind all of my family, friends, and even my country.
That was the hardest decision I have ever made. If I left, I knew that their father would take care of them, but that there was a real possibility that he would never allow me to talk to them ever again. I also knew that if I left, he would tell the children all kinds of lies and try to turn them against me. I also understood that they may never want to see or talk to me ever again, even after they grew up. But what choice did I have?
What would I do? What would be my decision?
After coming to terms with the realities of my then husband's criminal activities, I turned even more inward and stayed on the internet in connection with Padrone more. He was my only anchor and the only one helping me keep my mind and spirit intact.
My husband became increasingly angry at everything. He became more and more distant, colder than before, and scarier. His attitude and mannerisms became neurotic and paranoid, and the mental and verbal abuse increased. Padrone and I had been in almost constant contact because he was worried about my husband snapping and physically doing harm to me or the children. He came close with me a couple of times, but never physically harmed us. He never showed any signs that he would ever harm the boys, and I never thought he would.
I told Padrone about the problem with the bills because I had to get it off my chest. Completely and unexpectedly, he sent me $1100 via wire transfer. He had never met me in person. He just went with his instincts and followed his heart and trusted that I wasn't scamming him. I went to Walmart and picked it up, telling my husband my Mom had paid the bills for us to get the internet and electricity back on. After getting everything reconnected, I had about $700 left over. I hid it in an old purse that I wasn't using in order to keep it from being taken by my husband. For about 1 1/2 years prior, he never allowed me to have any money, except for very specific things. He would only give me money to go get coffee with my friends because he expected me to keep up appearances. He wouldn't even give me money for gas. He wouldn't allow me to use any debit or credit cards. I was completely and totally at his mercy.
Padrone made plans to come to the US to see me in mid-August of 2011. At that time, we had toyed with the idea of moving so we could finally live together, but had not made any solid plans because we lived in different countries, I had children and was still living with my husband. For my own mental health and because of my growing dependence on Padrone for guidance, strength and emotional support, I had been spending all of my time with my head buried on my phone. No matter where I was, as long as I could talk to Padrone, I was going to do so, even if it was just mundane things.
My husband started getting suspicious because of the amount of time I was spending on the phone. He had paid little to no attention to me in over 4 years or longer, but all of a sudden took an interest. I think his increasing paranoia made him suspicious of everyone and everything. He believed that someone was always trying to "get him". By then, he didn't care anything about me, but didn't want to lose his free housekeeper/cook/babysitter/secretary. He stayed up for three days and nights, barely sleeping, trying to find evidence of what I was doing because he had no clue. He was that detached from what was going on in my and the boys lives, as well as to our daily routines. I had been online for at least 2.5 years reconnecting to the BDSM community.
He found evidence of my relationship with Padrone and went ballistic! He started throwing stuff all around the house. He got in my face and kept threatening to beat me and hoping that I would have a seizure and stop breathing. He looked like a completely insane or psychotic person. I had never seen him that crazy before. I was shaking and yes, I did have many seizures because of his emotional and mental abuse.
He took my cell phone away and demanded the password to get in. I wouldn't give it to him. He took all of my identification away. He took my car keys and house keys away. He took all the home phones out of the house, as well as disconnected the computers, except for one in the office. He then slept in the home office to guard the computer to ensure I could not use it or have any contact with the outside world. He would not let me leave the house for three days. In those three days, he took over all of my email accounts, vanilla and BDSM online accounts, and every other account I had. He changed the passwords and pretended to be me.
All of my friends on FB thought I had gone crazy at first, but quickly figured out it was him and they blocked that compromised account. He sent threatening, demented sounding emails to Padrone telling him he better not come to California because something bad would happen to him. When he wasn't harassing my friends online, he was harassing me at home. He would make threats to hit me. He would grab my shoulders and shake me hard and yell in my face. He said that if I wanted to be a somebody's BDSM slave, he would keep me chained up in the house and beat me until I bled. He threatened me so much that I literally shut down and curled into a ball. My children were there the entire time he was doing this stuff. In an effort to protect them, I sent them to play for hours at the next door neighbor's house or would tell them to stay in their rooms. He kept me in constant eye supervision and I had no way to get away or any means to contact anyone, not even my family.
After his own scare tactics on Padrone failed, he turned to a different strategy. At first, he made Padrone believe that I had changed my mind about our relationship and about him coming to the USA to see me. He had read my emails and studied the way I wrote and the words I said to Padrone in normal conversation and wrote a few emails under my name telling Padrone I had changed my mind and did not want to meet him, that I loved my family and was going to try to work out my problems. Padrone believed it at first and kept asking for explanations as to what had changed my mind and if I was sure. For a couple of days, my asshole husband almost did a very convincing job. Padrone was extremely depressed and could not understand why, all of a sudden, I would not want to see him, even if it was just to meet in person and nothing more. He contacted everyone of our mutual friends he could think of, to try to find out any information he could. He even contacted a person that lived in the same area I did, to see if he knew anything. Remember, he and none of my other friends knew that I was being held hostage inside my own house.
As my friends on FB began to know he was impersonating me, they became increasingly adamant that he give me my access to the internet back because they were afraid at what he might do. They had heard the stories of how crazy he was, and were all worried for my safety. Padrone said that had been one of the longest 72 hour periods in his life.
On the fourth day, we were out of everything and needed food. He gave me $10 and told me to go to Costco and what exactly to buy. He sent our oldest child with me to and told him to tell him anytime I got on the phone and what I said when we got back. Luckily, my son was more interested in some candy and a new toy than what I was doing. I got on a messaging system called Pinger that only Padrone and I knew about and sent him a message telling him what had happened briefly and that everything that had been sent to him and said to him by my husband was total bullshit. I told him I still wanted and needed him to come because he was my only anchor to reality. He was the only reason I had stayed sane. He was the only one that understood me and believed in me and actually cared about me.
At first he didn't believe that it was me. But after a couple of messages, the last message that day was "I have bought you a one-way ticket to come back to Italy with me to stay". There was no talking about it. There was no asking me. He just did it. It would be up to me if I used that ticket or not. I had exactly 1 week to figure it out. Those were some of the longest, scariest, loneliest days I have ever experienced in my life.
I had a lot of thinking to do. I had to come to terms with my decision one way or the other very quickly. On one hand, if I stayed, I would lose Padrone, the person that had come to mean so much to me even though it was such a short amount of time we had been together and the fact we had never met in person. I would still have my children, but my situation was so bad, and my husband so unpredictable towards me, I had no idea what could happen.
On the other hand, if I got on that plane with Padrone, I would have to leave my children behind because of the laws, their father, and because I could not just uproot them and take them to a foreign place where they didn't speak the language, know the customs, or understand what was happening. I would also have to leave behind all of my family, friends, and even my country.
That was the hardest decision I have ever made. If I left, I knew that their father would take care of them, but that there was a real possibility that he would never allow me to talk to them ever again. I also knew that if I left, he would tell the children all kinds of lies and try to turn them against me. I also understood that they may never want to see or talk to me ever again, even after they grew up. But what choice did I have?
What would I do? What would be my decision?
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As an American coming to Italy to be a 24/7 slave for Padrone Marco 2 years and 3 months ago, I have learned, grown and changed a lot.
Being a BDSM submissive was not new to me, but being a 24/7 slave to an Italian Master was. Of course, we grew close by learning about each other and falling in love despite the ocean between us. We both loved the other enough to make the transition from online to reality after only 5 months of being together.
We first met online on FB as friends. At that time, I belonged to a different online Dominant but was having a lot of trouble with that relationship. Whenever I popped up in chat to ask advice, Padrone always gave it from a neutral stance. Our relationship grew, I became an unowned sub, and he eventually asked me to be his online slave. There were 9 hours difference between us. Luckily, he worked nights so that allowed us to have running conversations all day via Yahoo or FB messaging.
I lived in California and he in Tuscany, Italy. We established rules, guidelines, rituals, protocols and punishments that fit our real life situations as well as our personalities. He always wanted a detailed account of my daily travels, dealings, feelings, and anything else I needed to talk to him about. He gave me advice and guided me from his heart and his own life experiences.
In a short time, he decided to visit me in California during his yearly hiatus in the month of August. This is where I have to tell you a little about my real life situation at that time.
I had been married for 17 years to a very uptight, mentally abusive, very controlling man. We had 2 children. After I had our second child, he made me quit my job and stay at home to take care of the kids. He had control of every aspect of our lives, from bank accounts and everything financial to grocery shopping and bill paying.
Anytime I asked about anything financial, I would get yelled at and mentally and verbally abused. In late 2007, I decided I had enough and started to look for a job that would allow me to leave him with my children. I couldn't get a job because nobody was hiring. That year was the start of a huge decline in California due to the bursting of the housing financial bubble. So, I was stuck. My mental and physical health began declining because the situation was so bad. I tried to hide everything from my kids by pretending to be happy. I got so good at hiding myself that my friends and family never knew the true extent of my situation until after I moved to Italy.
For 4 years, I hid. I felt like I was living in a movie because the reality was too bad to deal with. My real life husband lived his life and I lived mine. I found mental escape in books and by participating in online BDSM groups. I became a mentor and adviser to many newbies because of my previous experiences and training. Of course, I still did all of the mom things in real life, but towards the end, that too started suffering.
Now, picking up where I left off. I had been in a serious, online relationship with Padrone for about 4 months when I started finding out about my husband's criminal activities. He had been taking money from people for construction jobs and not completing them. He had also been taking large amounts of money from investors to build houses in other states but they never got built. When I confronted him about it, he became enraged and half destroyed the home office.
I told Padrone about it and he gave me advice on how to handle it. He was the only person in the world that knew the entire situation and the only one that helped me keep my sanity in check. He was the only one that knew the REAL me. I had nobody else that I could trust. My patience with everything was very short and even my relationship with my kids started suffering.
(for "The Real Me" listen from 2:10)
There is much more to come of our story and I will post the second part soon. Make sure you stay connected to see the next part!
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I was asked by a reader if it's normal for them to be afraid of their Dominant most of the time.
She said that he used fear as means to control her. I advised her that fear is not normal in an everyday situation, but can enhance scenes or sexual play if used in a responsible way.
Fear as it pertains to BDSM is a complicated topic. People in the vanilla world hear the words "I fear punishment" from a submissive, and take it automatically to mean "I fear retribution from my abuser". There is a huge difference between those two statements and situations. First, a submissive should and normally does fear punishment. Not just for the physical pain caused if the punishment is a corporal one, but for the emotional feeling of having displeased their Dominant. The submissive should never fear their Dominant will really hurt them. The second statement implies an abusive relationship in which the person fears for their lives and fears permanent physical harm. In the first situation, consent has been given from the submissive to the Dominant to punish if necessary. In the second situation, consent was not given and the retribution is not wanted.
D/s relationships can create a closeness that vanilla relationship doctors would label "unhealthy" or "co-dependent". Some couples prefer to have extremely close, blended relationships and others prefer more distant partnerships. Attempting to have a close relationship with someone that is looking for a more distant one is a recipe for failure. Naturally, kinky people span this spectrum as much as vanillas. However, couples which identify themselves as Master/slave, owner/property, or even simply monogamous Dom/sub, tend to create their own world together, instead of a merely existing separately but maintaining a love connection.
Any sub or slave that is terrified and/or scared of their Dom is not in a BDSM relationship; they are in an abusive relationship. If you do something wrong and know there is going to be consequences and are prepared to accept them, that is a normal part of BDSM. But, if you are constantly walking on egg shells out of fear of doing something wrong, leave the relationship as fast as you can! You should do things for your Dom out of love, adoration and respect; but never out of shear terror.
A true Dom will earn your respect before even considering taking you on as a sub/slave. You should receive some sort of affirmation from your Dom, at least periodically such as "you please Me" or "you are doing well in your role as My sub/slave". I do realize that there are relationships where the slave is nothing more than a possession, but the sub/slave still must respect their Dom and do things out of a respect, not fear.
Fear, when felt, causes an adrenaline rush in the human body. This can make a person feel stronger, more aware of their environment, and even sexually aroused. Fear, when used in this manner, can indeed create a greatly satisfying encounter for the people involved. In this situation, fear is not detrimental. It is a heightening of responses in the participants. Within BDSM, a submissive may fear something new that they have not tried before, fear their own reactions to things, and fear the unknown. Take anyone and tie them up securely, blindfold them, and either lessen or remove their ability to hear, and the person will feel fear. This fear should not detract from the situation, but instead it should enhance it.
Remember, a BDSM relationship is not an abusive relationship. A Dom may "use and abuse" Their sub/slave just because they want to, but if she/he is constantly terrified of their Dom, they are in an abusive relationship. Trust your instincts. If you are afraid to be alone, just remember, there are plenty of true Doms out there and it's better to be alive in order to look for a true Dom, than end up hurt by an abusive person.
Let me hear your thoughts on the subject! Comment below!
BDSM: Good and Bad Fear
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If you are on Twitter, Please get the message out to stop FB from deleting pages. Use the hashtag
#StopBDSMFBCensorship to help get the word out faster! You can also use it on all social media sites!
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Hello all!
Well, in case you haven't heard, over on FB over 90 BDSM pages have been deleted because of this ridiculous witch hunt started by those freakin feminist groups that have nothing better to do than judge our lifestyle by their values. One of those pages was my page named BDSM International.
Please if you have not already, go here and sign the petition to stop BDSM pages from being targeted as violent pages when we are not!
http://www.change.org/petitions/facebook-stop-targeting-bdsm-pages-as-violence-against-women?utm_campaign=share_button_mobile&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition
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In response to all the groups who feel BDSM and Dominant/submissive relationships in general are demeaning or violence against women, I have to speak my mind, which is my opinion as a respected member of our community, and as a Master.
I would like to explain so others may better understand several things:
(for reference - Dom/mes is the collective term for male and female Dominants within our lifestyle)
First: If in fighting for women's rights, you take away their right to live as they choose to live of their own free will, you may be much more oppressive than you believe us to be. We as Dom/mes look for strong-minded people who can make the informed decision to submit. There is nothing gained by imposing control over people too weak to stand up for themselves; quite often Dom/mes stand up for those too weak or unwilling to do so. We guide those who lack strength away from predators and help them find pride and strength within themselves.
Second: We are not demeaning to women; we work very hard to provide an environment that instills pride, growth and self-confidence. We have great respect for those who choose to live this lifestyle, especially the submissives we love so much. They give us the greatest gift imaginable... themselves, fully and completely, knowing we respect them and honor the gift they choose to give. This gift is something we as Dom/mes know can be taken away if we don't hold it sacred.
Third: These groups that oppose us living the way we choose often claim that Dom/mes are uncaring people. For those people I can only say, you will never know how deeply we are connected to each other. It is because of how much we love that we are able to give so much of ourselves to the care and needs of our submissive. Outsiders have no clue how much time and effort goes into building the trust required for this lifestyle to work, not just in the beginning, but always.
Also: We are not violent. We do not act out of rage or even anger. In order to accept control over another, we must be in control of ourselves. Many of us stand strong opposing domestic violence. Pain does not equal violence. Serious questions here: Who among you has enjoyed a little hair tug or smack on the butt during sex, whether giving or receiving? How about a nibble that gets a little rougher than usual? Nails scratching down your back in ecstasy? Maybe you like hands pinned to the bed while staring deeply into your lover’s eyes; have you ever realized this is a form of dominance, and even bondage? Kinky is quite natural, even normal for people to want to feel this way.
Next: We are not barbarians; the majority of male Dominants are very much gentlemen. We open doors, pull out chairs, bring home flowers, and sweep them off their feet with a kiss when we return home.
After that I need to address another point: Not all Dominants are men. There are many Dommes and Mistresses, many of which have male submissives. They also operate at the highest of respect when it comes to their relationships. How can women's rights groups attack a lifestyle that is so accepting of 'equal opportunity'? We don't discriminate against anyone. In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a group or community more open-minded than within BDSM.
Finally: I'd like to address the thought of people leading the weak like sheep. Sheep are uninformed animals. They follow wherever they are led, blindly, without question or concern for themselves or others. They seek no knowledge, only doing as they have been led to do. I challenge anyone not informed of our lifestyle to become informed, to quit being led like sheep, uninformed yet following a cause when you don't truly understand what it is against. People, who follow causes without knowledge of what they are fighting against, are essentially consensual slaves, though a less informed slave than any within our lifestyle. -- Blac Talon
I would like to explain so others may better understand several things:
(for reference - Dom/mes is the collective term for male and female Dominants within our lifestyle)
First: If in fighting for women's rights, you take away their right to live as they choose to live of their own free will, you may be much more oppressive than you believe us to be. We as Dom/mes look for strong-minded people who can make the informed decision to submit. There is nothing gained by imposing control over people too weak to stand up for themselves; quite often Dom/mes stand up for those too weak or unwilling to do so. We guide those who lack strength away from predators and help them find pride and strength within themselves.
Second: We are not demeaning to women; we work very hard to provide an environment that instills pride, growth and self-confidence. We have great respect for those who choose to live this lifestyle, especially the submissives we love so much. They give us the greatest gift imaginable... themselves, fully and completely, knowing we respect them and honor the gift they choose to give. This gift is something we as Dom/mes know can be taken away if we don't hold it sacred.
Third: These groups that oppose us living the way we choose often claim that Dom/mes are uncaring people. For those people I can only say, you will never know how deeply we are connected to each other. It is because of how much we love that we are able to give so much of ourselves to the care and needs of our submissive. Outsiders have no clue how much time and effort goes into building the trust required for this lifestyle to work, not just in the beginning, but always.
Also: We are not violent. We do not act out of rage or even anger. In order to accept control over another, we must be in control of ourselves. Many of us stand strong opposing domestic violence. Pain does not equal violence. Serious questions here: Who among you has enjoyed a little hair tug or smack on the butt during sex, whether giving or receiving? How about a nibble that gets a little rougher than usual? Nails scratching down your back in ecstasy? Maybe you like hands pinned to the bed while staring deeply into your lover’s eyes; have you ever realized this is a form of dominance, and even bondage? Kinky is quite natural, even normal for people to want to feel this way.
Next: We are not barbarians; the majority of male Dominants are very much gentlemen. We open doors, pull out chairs, bring home flowers, and sweep them off their feet with a kiss when we return home.
After that I need to address another point: Not all Dominants are men. There are many Dommes and Mistresses, many of which have male submissives. They also operate at the highest of respect when it comes to their relationships. How can women's rights groups attack a lifestyle that is so accepting of 'equal opportunity'? We don't discriminate against anyone. In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a group or community more open-minded than within BDSM.
Finally: I'd like to address the thought of people leading the weak like sheep. Sheep are uninformed animals. They follow wherever they are led, blindly, without question or concern for themselves or others. They seek no knowledge, only doing as they have been led to do. I challenge anyone not informed of our lifestyle to become informed, to quit being led like sheep, uninformed yet following a cause when you don't truly understand what it is against. People, who follow causes without knowledge of what they are fighting against, are essentially consensual slaves, though a less informed slave than any within our lifestyle. -- Blac Talon
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