For every new submissive entering into the world of BDSM for the first time, there are many things that you will learn over time by reading and researching, participating in munches and groups, but also eventually entering into a relationship with a Dominant. As you gain experiences and continuously educate yourself, you will find that some of your Limits and beliefs change.
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
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Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! I have been 'WiFi challenged' all week but am all set tonight! The questions I chose for this week are somewhat different from the ones I normally post. But, I think many people new to the Lifestyle wonder about the same things. This week's topics cover "Starting BDSM", "Submissive Limits - who sets them", and "Swingers".
Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"
None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.
If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.
For further information read:
S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship
Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"
You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.
I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.
For further information read:
Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook
Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"
No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.
For further information read:
The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM
I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"
None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.
If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.
For further information read:
S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship
Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"
You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.
I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.
For further information read:
Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook
Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"
No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.
For further information read:
The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM
I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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If you have been around or explored the world of BDSM for any length of time, you will have heard of Limits.
If you have no clue as to what the true meaning of Limits is, the easiest explanation I can give you is this: Limits encompass everything (mentally, physically, emotionally) that you will and will not allow in a BDSM relationship.
When people ask me what they should and should not allow, I tell them that is up to them. Do your homework and read as much as you can about different aspects of BDSM scene play, bondage, and roles. The more informed you are, the better you can decide what you are more comfortable with.
If you are at a place that you are thinking of entering into a BDSM contract with someone, you have to have all of your limits in place and make sure they will be honored by your Dominant. Write down 3 lists, one that contains things that are permissible, one that contains things that you may want to try but are scared to, and one that contains items that are absolutely off limits, no matter what your Dominant says or does.
Before a BDSM scene, it is common for participants to negotiate an outline of what activities will and will not take place during the play session. Participants outline what they want to happen and hard and soft limits are determined. For example, it is common to set a time limit on the session, to set a safeword and to prohibit activity involving non-consenting 3rd parties.
Hard Limits
Something that must not be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship.
NEVER say you don't have limits unless you are with a Dominant that has the exact same morals as you do or you can trust to not take you into places that you do not want to go. If you don't have well defined limits, this could become a problem if you do not know each other inside and out.
Soft Limits
Something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused.
Safe word
Safe words are intended to protect participants from going further or doing things they don't wish to do. Safe words are also intended to end or slow down the scene for other reasons, such as a cramp, charley horse or a sudden onset of dizziness or shortness of breath.
The whole point of choosing a safe word is to select a word that you would not normally use in conversation, not even in animated conversation. Choosing a word like Stop or Ow wouldn't work because often, stop doesn't mean stop, it means 'if you stop now I will scream!' and 'Ow' can mean 'this is so yummy, please may I have another?' Choosing Elephant or Babysitter, Frog legs or Chicken as your safe word is a much better idea. OK, chicken fried steak might be too hard to remember, so maybe stick with the one word safe words. I mean, really, how often do you think a person is tied to a St. Andrew's Cross enjoying the flogger so much they are flying into subspace and the word babysitter comes to their mind?
The Myth of Safe words is that a safe word will protect the submissive from harm. That is utter crap! A safe word has absolutely no power to protect the submissive from harm. In fact, I believe that trusting in safe words can often create a false sense of safety for submissives. A submissive is falsely comforted by the Top's giving them a safe word. The safe word is of no value whatsoever, without knowing and trusting the Top, and how in the world could a submissive possibly trust someone they spent a total of a few hours on the internet with, prior to agreeing to play with them?
So remember that Limits and a Safe word are the first keys to practicing a safe and healthy BDSM relationship!
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Below is an excerpt from my new book BDSM Basics for Beginners.
There are many variations of what the initials BDSM stand for, but the most widely used is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. Frequently, the different areas of BDSM overlap into one another, as a bondage scene might include humiliation, or a D/s relationship might incorporate fetishism, etc. But just as frequently, there are those who only participate in one aspect of the lifestyle. In general, there is no hard and fast rule for what is right and what is wrong..... it depends on the individuals involved. BDSM is fluid and changes as individuals and relationships change. Having said that, there is one creed we all agree on. All play must be: SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL. Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
In a broad statement, BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship that can involve the consensual use of restraints, intense sensory stimulation, and role play. To those that practice it in situations, other than just sexual scenes, it is also extremely mental. A Dominant has to be very careful and know his submissive extremely well in order not to do any lasting mental damage if the sub is deep into submission.
Because of main stream media and books like 50 Shades of Grey, the S&M portions have been highlighted much more than a rounded, more truthful picture of BDSM. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality/relationship has nothing to do with destructive behavior. A Dominant person simply wants to dominate in sex while the submissive wants to be stripped of any initiative.
Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Have fun. BDSM is about finding the things that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. But remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundaries of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person!
BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between a Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. This is where knowledge comes in handy and trust is essential. Never play or submit to anyone that you do not completely trust with that power. Not everything in BDSM is for everybody. Test the waters, experiment, see what you like or don't like and proceed from there.
There are many variations of what the initials BDSM stand for, but the most widely used is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. Frequently, the different areas of BDSM overlap into one another, as a bondage scene might include humiliation, or a D/s relationship might incorporate fetishism, etc. But just as frequently, there are those who only participate in one aspect of the lifestyle. In general, there is no hard and fast rule for what is right and what is wrong..... it depends on the individuals involved. BDSM is fluid and changes as individuals and relationships change. Having said that, there is one creed we all agree on. All play must be: SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL. Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
In a broad statement, BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship that can involve the consensual use of restraints, intense sensory stimulation, and role play. To those that practice it in situations, other than just sexual scenes, it is also extremely mental. A Dominant has to be very careful and know his submissive extremely well in order not to do any lasting mental damage if the sub is deep into submission.
Because of main stream media and books like 50 Shades of Grey, the S&M portions have been highlighted much more than a rounded, more truthful picture of BDSM. The truth is that this alternate form of sexuality/relationship has nothing to do with destructive behavior. A Dominant person simply wants to dominate in sex while the submissive wants to be stripped of any initiative.
Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Have fun. BDSM is about finding the things that feel good and right to yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to study up on the subject. But remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast boundaries of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Because even the meaning of those three words varies from person to person!
BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between a Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. This is where knowledge comes in handy and trust is essential. Never play or submit to anyone that you do not completely trust with that power. Not everything in BDSM is for everybody. Test the waters, experiment, see what you like or don't like and proceed from there.
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