Here is the second half of the questions from my Q&A session with the FB group Mind, Body, Soul BDSM. I hope some of these give you more knowledge or even get you involved in the continuing conversations some of these questions have caused.
Question #6) Do you believe the protocol of D/s speech and being honest with ones words "cures" passive/aggressive behavior?
I am not exactly sure in what context you meant this question. If you mean online slash speak (O/our), I don’t agree with it at all. I don’t think it shows respect, protocol or anything. I think it was just something else made up along the way as the internet BDSM community grew. I show every the same and mutual respect that I would in a vanilla setting. I don’t recommend calling anyone by any kind of title, other than your own Dominant. If a person demands you call them something, they are not a real Dominant. A real dominant doesn’t demand respect, they earn it and their very nature and presence just makes you want to show them certain type of respect.
I think you always have to be honest with your feelings, whether they be good or bad. If you are pretending to feel something that you are not, then it is faking and not tolerated in a BDSM setting or relationship.
Question #7) I'm curious about BDSM practices and beliefs in the 1800's, before old guard and leather... Before it even had "BDSM" as an identifier..
The earliest recordings of a BDSM like activity was back in ancient Sumeria. After that, the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans, to name a few, had many diverse sadomasochistic games they played, mostly involving flogging and spanking. I recommend an in-depth research if you are truly interested in this subject.
Question #8) Can you tell me about the origins of the practice of collaring?
Depending on who you ask, some think the collar of the sub was modelled after ancient civilizations that used slave collars to show ownership. Collars have always been used as a form of restraint for many diverse S&M scenes. The actual evolution of how the collar came to mean what it does in todays Lifestyle is very murky. I tend to believe that it did somehow evolve from the ancient peoples that used slaves and used special types of collars to mark their property.
I think of subs that wear collars without being owned as wanna be's. They also might be gothic. But those types of subs are not real submissives. It's ok to purchase a necklace or collar if you want to, but never tell anyone it's a bdsm collar unless you had a dominant give it to you. Without that action behind a collar, it is a meaningless piece of jewerely.
Question #9) When I first became involved in the lifestyle I was told that the submissive selects her Dominant and can offer a collar to him that he would place on her neck as a sign of ownership. More commonly I understand that it is the Dominant that purchases the collar and offers it to the submissive. Which is correct?
Only a fake dominant would make the sub purchase her own collar. The dominant should allow the sub a say in the type of collar because all lifestyles outside BDSM are different, but the dominant has final say and should be the one to purchase, offer and place it on her neck.
Question #10) How long does sub frenzy typically last? Can one survive purely in sub frenzy status?
Sub frenzy is a term used to describe new subs that are so excited they rush into a relationship with their eyes wide shut and basically without any knowledge of what BDSM really consists of. I think sub frenzy only lasts as long as it takes a sub to become more knowledgeable about the Lifestyle. I think once the actual newness wears off, the frenzy retreats and the sub becomes more cautious and aware of their decisions and actions.
If you have something to add to any of the topics above, please leave a comment!
Question #6) Do you believe the protocol of D/s speech and being honest with ones words "cures" passive/aggressive behavior?
I am not exactly sure in what context you meant this question. If you mean online slash speak (O/our), I don’t agree with it at all. I don’t think it shows respect, protocol or anything. I think it was just something else made up along the way as the internet BDSM community grew. I show every the same and mutual respect that I would in a vanilla setting. I don’t recommend calling anyone by any kind of title, other than your own Dominant. If a person demands you call them something, they are not a real Dominant. A real dominant doesn’t demand respect, they earn it and their very nature and presence just makes you want to show them certain type of respect.
I think you always have to be honest with your feelings, whether they be good or bad. If you are pretending to feel something that you are not, then it is faking and not tolerated in a BDSM setting or relationship.
The earliest recordings of a BDSM like activity was back in ancient Sumeria. After that, the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans, to name a few, had many diverse sadomasochistic games they played, mostly involving flogging and spanking. I recommend an in-depth research if you are truly interested in this subject.
Depending on who you ask, some think the collar of the sub was modelled after ancient civilizations that used slave collars to show ownership. Collars have always been used as a form of restraint for many diverse S&M scenes. The actual evolution of how the collar came to mean what it does in todays Lifestyle is very murky. I tend to believe that it did somehow evolve from the ancient peoples that used slaves and used special types of collars to mark their property.
Sub frenzy is a term used to describe new subs that are so excited they rush into a relationship with their eyes wide shut and basically without any knowledge of what BDSM really consists of. I think sub frenzy only lasts as long as it takes a sub to become more knowledgeable about the Lifestyle. I think once the actual newness wears off, the frenzy retreats and the sub becomes more cautious and aware of their decisions and actions.
If you have something to add to any of the topics above, please leave a comment!
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I was recently invited back to do another Questions and Answers session with a Facebook Group called Mind, Body, and Soul BDSM. They always bring me great and innovative questions that get me thinking. Below is the first five questions with my answers.
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
Question #2) What are tips to use to stay in sub mind when everyday life tries to pull you out?
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
Question #4) When pushing a taboo limit, what method does one use to battle the fear and process what they had just accomplished?
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
Question #5) Why does it seems online ppl need tons of labels? Example: warrior sub and tin pot dom, alpha sub, etc. Etc.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
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Welcome to this week's installment of Talk Tuesday! We received many emails this week and I have answered them all. These two below are very interesting and different from others I've answered in the past here. Hopefully these will help you if you are struggling with some of the same issues.
Question #1) "So my mistress and I have been in a contract since the 1st. Again thank you so much for the help with the contract limits worksheet. Anyway so since the contract I've been trying to get my mistress to make me do more like regular expectations such as a daily journal and doing the little things to show her dominance. But she wont. I'm scared that she is putting on 50% and I'm giving it my all and I'm afraid I'm gonna push her away. So my question for you would be am i doing the right thing or am i blowing this out of proportion?"
I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including rules, protocols, rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave? These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person). Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.
Question #2) "I am fairly a newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I responded with no Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him. We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my training. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness. I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a sub."
To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a real dominant, more like a fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.
The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.
Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.
Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.
Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).
But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.
I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Remember to stop the blog every day for great reads, posts and updates at www.bdsmunveiled.com! Leave us a comment!
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| Lazy Dominant or Unrealistic Expectations? |
I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including rules, protocols, rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave? These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person). Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.
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| Am I a submissive? |
Question #2) "I am fairly a newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I responded with no Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him. We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my training. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness. I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a sub."
To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a real dominant, more like a fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.
The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.
Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.
Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.
Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).
But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.
I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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