Envy is defined as a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or life. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone). Let's face it, most of us get envious when we see how other people portray their lives online. They talk about how perfect their relationships are, how much money their partner spends on them and generally how the grass is always greener on their side of life. Many people do this to gain attention while others try to make up a fantasy world that is not a real representation of their actual daily lives.
This is no different when it comes to the world of BDSM. You can go into pretty much any Lifestyle related group and find any number of posts bragging about how 'submissive A' has the best Dominant because of blank blank reason. In my experience, I have realized that it is mainly submissive females that are always trying to 'Out Submissive' all the other subs in their environment.
There are Dominants out there that do brag about things, but if you really pay attention, it is normally subs that are the ones who try to make others jealous and envious of their relationships. Don't be like them and don't fall into that trap!
What is a 'look at me' type of relationship? I define it as those relationships or online dynamics where one or both partners are constantly talking about how much they love the other one; how they can't live without each other; and how neither of them ever have any problems with the other. These are couples that have the continuous need to express really private feelings and information online for the entire world to see. They are usually overly zealous in telling each other how wonderful they are together and how there is no one else that could ever take their place. These are also the same couples that usually end up trading in their partner for another one and start showing the world those exact same tendencies with the new person.
Right now, you may not be in the type of relationship you want or living the life you dreamed of having. You may covet the dynamic or life you see others depict online, but you have to be thankful first for your life, including everything and everyone in it.
This is no different when it comes to the world of BDSM. You can go into pretty much any Lifestyle related group and find any number of posts bragging about how 'submissive A' has the best Dominant because of blank blank reason. In my experience, I have realized that it is mainly submissive females that are always trying to 'Out Submissive' all the other subs in their environment.
There are Dominants out there that do brag about things, but if you really pay attention, it is normally subs that are the ones who try to make others jealous and envious of their relationships. Don't be like them and don't fall into that trap!
I know, as a dedicated submissive, most of you are very happy and proud of your BDSM dynamic and want to share it with the world. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. It's not. However, there is a huge difference in bragging and trying to show off to your friends online versus simply stating how much you love and are devoted to your dominant partner.
I admit I have had envious thoughts throughout my life and a longing for the dynamic that I have now. Before meeting Padrone, I had been in different D/s dynamics, but never any deeply serious ones as compared to the one I am in now. I always wanted a Dominant that would take care of me, guide me, love me, and allow me to be myself in all ways. I read about so many relationships that were like that and I wondered why I couldn't find it. Why could I not have that?
Well, after I started paying more attention to these 'perfect' online relationships, I realized that they never seemed to last over a few months. If they were so perfect, why were they not in it for the long haul? The answer is simple. They weren't perfect. They were far from it. The people involved mainly had what I call a 'look at me' type of relationship.
What is a 'look at me' type of relationship? I define it as those relationships or online dynamics where one or both partners are constantly talking about how much they love the other one; how they can't live without each other; and how neither of them ever have any problems with the other. These are couples that have the continuous need to express really private feelings and information online for the entire world to see. They are usually overly zealous in telling each other how wonderful they are together and how there is no one else that could ever take their place. These are also the same couples that usually end up trading in their partner for another one and start showing the world those exact same tendencies with the new person.
Feeling envy is a natural human emotion. If left unchecked though, it can get out of hand and have a negative impact on your life and your emotions. If you feel envious of other people's lives, sit back and look at your own life.
Envious thoughts in a submissive only lead to bad things. The submissive journey should be one filled with as much happiness as possible. Being envious can and will affect your daily life, your ability to submit fully to your Dominant partner, as well as have a huge negative impact on your emotions and thoughts.
How can you overcome the negativity of envious thoughts?
- Shift your focus to the goodness in your life.
- Remind yourself that nobody has it all.
- Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. (Especially monetary and materialistic things)
- Spend time with grateful people.
- Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame.
- Celebrate the success of others.
Right now, you may not be in the type of relationship you want or living the life you dreamed of having. You may covet the dynamic or life you see others depict online, but you have to be thankful first for your life, including everything and everyone in it.
Start to turn your own life around and the happiness you want will follow.
Share this post - support us:
I can't believe how fast 2016 has come and gone. So much has happened this year. If you keep up with world events, you know about all the wars and acts of terrorism that has plagued so many countries and innocents. The crazy political race in the USA, the rise of racism and the feeling that the world is devolving instead of evolving. To sum it up, this past year sucked.
I have been agonizing over how to write an inspirational post for year's end and have almost pulled all my hair out trying to come up with an upbeat topic or theme. I tried and failed. Finally, after discussing it in depth with my Padrone, he told me to write what I feel and just get it out there. So, that's exactly what I'm doing.
I found myself dealing with my own personal health issues more than normal. I couldn't concentrate like I wanted to on the world of BDSM, my writing, and the blog. I admit that a lot of the year I floated along, not really feeling or able to drudge up the intense feeling I always have had for the lifestyle. Instead, I was focused more on world events and my own family.
Padrone has been my rock and a constant source of support no matter how bad I felt or how far I veered from my own submissive path. He has loved and guided me through some dark times and been there for me for the beautiful ones. He helped me think through situations and answer questions I just didn't have answers for.
I have had the support of many friends, but one in particular has been that shoulder I leaned on and my sounding board when needed. Sharon has been my own personal cheerleader, even when I lost faith in my own abilities. Many of my articles this past year were inspired by conversations I had with her. I couldn't have ever asked for a better, unwavering friend than this special lady.
When I write posts, I feel like I have to try to make them BDSM related as well as educational. I always also try to write inspirational words to help people that may be struggling in life. But what happens when the one that writes the inspirational words has nothing to say? What do I do then? I ended up doing nothing. I didn't write. I went for weeks and even months staring at blank pages. For me, my writing is a source that people from around the world can read and connect to their own personal situation that they may be encountering at that time. It's something to help guide and inspire them to a different path.
In years past, the internet was always hopping with new people asking questions, interested in really learning about what the BDSM lifestyle could possibly offer them. There was a constant influx of new questions, curiosity seekers, fake and real dominant and submissives. You could go to any number of groups and find ongoing discussions of any number of various topics. This past year has dwindled to a trickle of people and so many pages and groups across all forms of social media have dried up. Now, it seems like people are mostly complaining about what they don't like or showing off what they have that others want but can't get. I miss serious Q&A where so many people participate.
I find myself thinking about what I can do to get back onto a learning path and get people interested once again in the educational side of BDSM versus the sex part. I decided to turn my focus from world events and simply live, love and work within the world that I am already inhabiting: BDSM. I can't control anything that's going on with wars or politics. I can't do anything about the refugee crisis. Heck, I can't even really do anything to make my epilepsy better. But I ask myself what can I do?
I can control what I watch and read about. I can control how I decide to live my life. I want to dive into 2017 with a new outlook. I want to start participating in more BDSM related groups and helping more newbies find their journey into the lifestyle. I want to concentrate on my own submission with my Padrone and share more of my daily experiences about our dynamic. I think I need to do this, not just want to.
This is where I would normally reinforce the main message that I'm trying to get across, but honestly, this time there really isn't one. I will encourage you to take the time to simplify your life as much as you can. Spend more time with your family and friends talking and just being connected. Don't try to take the world too seriously and don't allow all the bad things that's happening around the globe to poison your own life. Try everyday to be thankful for what you have and not dwell on what you don't. Get back to the basics of life and in most of my readers lives, basics of the BDSM lifestyle.
Try to be just a little nicer person and a little less cynical. Try to be happy. That's what life should be about. Happiness, love, friendships, and connections.
Make 2017 into whatever you decide you want it to be. Don't allow it to make you into something you're not.
From Padrone Marco and myself, have a healthy, happy and safe new year!
I have been agonizing over how to write an inspirational post for year's end and have almost pulled all my hair out trying to come up with an upbeat topic or theme. I tried and failed. Finally, after discussing it in depth with my Padrone, he told me to write what I feel and just get it out there. So, that's exactly what I'm doing.
I found myself dealing with my own personal health issues more than normal. I couldn't concentrate like I wanted to on the world of BDSM, my writing, and the blog. I admit that a lot of the year I floated along, not really feeling or able to drudge up the intense feeling I always have had for the lifestyle. Instead, I was focused more on world events and my own family.
Padrone has been my rock and a constant source of support no matter how bad I felt or how far I veered from my own submissive path. He has loved and guided me through some dark times and been there for me for the beautiful ones. He helped me think through situations and answer questions I just didn't have answers for.I have had the support of many friends, but one in particular has been that shoulder I leaned on and my sounding board when needed. Sharon has been my own personal cheerleader, even when I lost faith in my own abilities. Many of my articles this past year were inspired by conversations I had with her. I couldn't have ever asked for a better, unwavering friend than this special lady.
When I write posts, I feel like I have to try to make them BDSM related as well as educational. I always also try to write inspirational words to help people that may be struggling in life. But what happens when the one that writes the inspirational words has nothing to say? What do I do then? I ended up doing nothing. I didn't write. I went for weeks and even months staring at blank pages. For me, my writing is a source that people from around the world can read and connect to their own personal situation that they may be encountering at that time. It's something to help guide and inspire them to a different path.
In years past, the internet was always hopping with new people asking questions, interested in really learning about what the BDSM lifestyle could possibly offer them. There was a constant influx of new questions, curiosity seekers, fake and real dominant and submissives. You could go to any number of groups and find ongoing discussions of any number of various topics. This past year has dwindled to a trickle of people and so many pages and groups across all forms of social media have dried up. Now, it seems like people are mostly complaining about what they don't like or showing off what they have that others want but can't get. I miss serious Q&A where so many people participate.
I can control what I watch and read about. I can control how I decide to live my life. I want to dive into 2017 with a new outlook. I want to start participating in more BDSM related groups and helping more newbies find their journey into the lifestyle. I want to concentrate on my own submission with my Padrone and share more of my daily experiences about our dynamic. I think I need to do this, not just want to.
This is where I would normally reinforce the main message that I'm trying to get across, but honestly, this time there really isn't one. I will encourage you to take the time to simplify your life as much as you can. Spend more time with your family and friends talking and just being connected. Don't try to take the world too seriously and don't allow all the bad things that's happening around the globe to poison your own life. Try everyday to be thankful for what you have and not dwell on what you don't. Get back to the basics of life and in most of my readers lives, basics of the BDSM lifestyle.
Try to be just a little nicer person and a little less cynical. Try to be happy. That's what life should be about. Happiness, love, friendships, and connections.
Make 2017 into whatever you decide you want it to be. Don't allow it to make you into something you're not.
From Padrone Marco and myself, have a healthy, happy and safe new year!
Share this post - support us:
For every new submissive entering into the world of BDSM for the first time, there are many things that you will learn over time by reading and researching, participating in munches and groups, but also eventually entering into a relationship with a Dominant. As you gain experiences and continuously educate yourself, you will find that some of your Limits and beliefs change.
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
Share this post - support us:
This past week has brought a firestorm of responses about my personal description of what an Alpha sub is as well as to a post I wrote for Lady Hecate's The Lair of Lady Hecate website about my thoughts on new terms that have been popping up around the BDSM online community such as Alpha sub, brat, and primal. I have received comments ranging from those that agree with me and those that adamantly oppose anything I write about. I never try to push my thoughts on others, but do speak my mind and stand by my beliefs.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
Share this post - support us:
Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday!
We hope that we bring you many new and insightful things and inspire you to think outside your own box! This week's post touches three very different subjects: Pet play versus Furries, Feminist and Submissive, Slave or submissive - is one better than the other.
Question #1) "I am wondering if pets are the same as furries. I read about the furry convention in which someone set off a smoke bomb in the hotel where the event was taking place. Some were kittens, puppies, etc. In BDSM are the pets that some Dominants have also furries in that they act and dress like the small animal that the Dominant has identified?"
The furry genre (sometimes referred to as a meta-genre) is based on the idea of fantasy animal characters, rather than any one type of fiction. Any title in any form of media can be considered relative to the furry genre simply by having a fantasy animal character in it. Such characters are most often seen in cartoons, comics, science fiction, allegorical novels, Gothic horror movies, commercials and video games. People like to dress up as one of these characters and take on that personality while hiding who they really are.
Pet Play or Animal roleplay may be either a non-sexual or an erotic sexual role-play (when it may also be called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play). In its erotic sexual role-play form, one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal or in a sexual context may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).
I have never seen the two subcultures mixed. Those who practice BDSM Pet Play are normally solely in that role while those who are in to the Furry Culture usually participate solely in that role. While there are undoubtedly some people who dabble in both scenes, they do not mix and are completely separate.
Question #2) "I am a modern woman. I take care of myself just fine. I work, pay my bills, and have always made my own way. But, when I read the erotica BDSM books, I want a relationship like that. Can I have that and still maintain who I am?"
The answer lies within yourself. It depends on what type of relationship you are looking for exactly. Do you want the kink that most of the erotic books detail out or are you looking for something deeper that would make you a submissive in other instances of your life, other than just during sex? I encourage you to read blog posts from real life submissives and try to start understanding what their role is exactly and also really ask yourself what you really want from a relationship. That is the only way you will be able to decide if you want to maintain some kind of interdependence or if you want to explore a deeper form of submission.
Question #3) "Are slave submissives better than just plain submissives?"
The first thing I would say is that there is no such thing as a 'plain submissive'. There are so many levels, layers, and forms to submission that you can't begin to say one is better than another. A slave is just a deeper form of submission than a submissive. It is not better or worse in any way, just different. If you want to be a submissive, you should not focus on what category you think you fit into, but focus instead on what you want and expect out of a D/s relationship.
I hope you have gained some new knowledge or insight in to the above subjects and add to your own wealth of knowledge. If you have anything to add to the above conversation, please leave a comment!
Do you have a question of your own you would like to ask me? If so, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
We hope that we bring you many new and insightful things and inspire you to think outside your own box! This week's post touches three very different subjects: Pet play versus Furries, Feminist and Submissive, Slave or submissive - is one better than the other.
Question #1) "I am wondering if pets are the same as furries. I read about the furry convention in which someone set off a smoke bomb in the hotel where the event was taking place. Some were kittens, puppies, etc. In BDSM are the pets that some Dominants have also furries in that they act and dress like the small animal that the Dominant has identified?"
The furry genre (sometimes referred to as a meta-genre) is based on the idea of fantasy animal characters, rather than any one type of fiction. Any title in any form of media can be considered relative to the furry genre simply by having a fantasy animal character in it. Such characters are most often seen in cartoons, comics, science fiction, allegorical novels, Gothic horror movies, commercials and video games. People like to dress up as one of these characters and take on that personality while hiding who they really are.
Pet Play or Animal roleplay may be either a non-sexual or an erotic sexual role-play (when it may also be called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play). In its erotic sexual role-play form, one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal or in a sexual context may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).
I have never seen the two subcultures mixed. Those who practice BDSM Pet Play are normally solely in that role while those who are in to the Furry Culture usually participate solely in that role. While there are undoubtedly some people who dabble in both scenes, they do not mix and are completely separate.
Question #2) "I am a modern woman. I take care of myself just fine. I work, pay my bills, and have always made my own way. But, when I read the erotica BDSM books, I want a relationship like that. Can I have that and still maintain who I am?"
The answer lies within yourself. It depends on what type of relationship you are looking for exactly. Do you want the kink that most of the erotic books detail out or are you looking for something deeper that would make you a submissive in other instances of your life, other than just during sex? I encourage you to read blog posts from real life submissives and try to start understanding what their role is exactly and also really ask yourself what you really want from a relationship. That is the only way you will be able to decide if you want to maintain some kind of interdependence or if you want to explore a deeper form of submission.
Question #3) "Are slave submissives better than just plain submissives?"
The first thing I would say is that there is no such thing as a 'plain submissive'. There are so many levels, layers, and forms to submission that you can't begin to say one is better than another. A slave is just a deeper form of submission than a submissive. It is not better or worse in any way, just different. If you want to be a submissive, you should not focus on what category you think you fit into, but focus instead on what you want and expect out of a D/s relationship.
Do you have a question of your own you would like to ask me? If so, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
When I finally voiced my cravings, I didn't know what to think
I stood there for many weeks, right on the brink.
Not really understanding the feelings I felt inside
Knowing I could no longer bury them and hide.
These needs I had couldn't possibly be normal
Society teaches us that sex is supposed to be formal.
Craving to be on my knees,
Serving a Master and wanting to please.
Desires for spankings and to do as I was told
But could I find the courage and be that bold?
After much research and conversation with others like me,
I found out there was a huge community!
Honesty and respect I learned from them
Are the foundations of a lifestyle called BDSM.
Share this post - support us:
I Am A Submissive Woman
i find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive
i find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive
to my Master in a loving
relationship.
i am not weak or stupid. i am a
strong woman,
with firm views and a clear concept
of what i want out of my life.
i do not serve out of shame or
weakness, but out of pride and strength.
i will look to my loving Master for
guidance and protection, for never
will i be more complete than when He
is with me.
i know that He will protect my body,
my mind, and my soul
with His strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as i am
everything to Him.
His touch awakens me and His
thoughts free me.
Only in serving Him do i find
complete freedom and joy…
His punishments may be harsh, but i
accept them thankfully,
knowing that He has my best
interests always foremost in His mind.
If He desires my body for pleasure,
i shall joyfully give it to Him
and take pleasure myself from
knowing that i have brought Him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh
is but one facet of O/our relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the
words spoken and felt,
those are all parts of this
relationship.
My body is His, and if He says i am
beautiful, then i am.
No matter what i look like to
others, i am beautiful in His eyes,
and because of that i hold my head
high.
If He says i am His precious jewel,
then i am that…a beautiful,
sparkling gem.
If He says that i am His pet, His
slut, His whore, then i am that..
as wanton and dirty as He wants me
to be.
My mind is His, to expand, to
explore, to know only as He can.
i have no secrets from Him… for
secrets are a thing that would
keep me from being more perfectly
His.
Secrets would put a wall up between
my Master and myself…
and i do not want walls.
His lessons are not always ones i
would seek on my own,
but they are lessons He has decided
that i need, and so i learn from Him.
My soul is His, as bare to His touch
as ever my skin could be
when i kneel naked at His feet.
Never a moment goes by when i do not
feel His presence,
be He miles away or standing over
me.
If i were to ever displease Him, His
displeasure would be a blow to my soul,
worse punishment than any lashes
could be.
The anguish of my soul that i feel
when i disappoint Him
is harder to bear than any physical
anguish i feel.
i am grateful that he cares enough
about me to spend
His time and energy so freely on me.
i have the easier job, to feel, to
experience,
to let myself go and abandon
everything to Him.
i am His pleasure and His
responsibility, and He takes both seriously .
i am a submissive woman.
i am proud to call myself that, my
submission is a gift that i do not give lightly,
and can only be given to the One who
can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to my Master who has that
strength, will i give myself fully,
because i am strong and proud.
i am a submissive woman.
Share this post - support us:
If you have been around the BDSM Lifestyle, you have probably heard the term Safeword.
What is a safeword? When is it used? Why would a person use it? I've written about safe words in various posts, but more in depth in my Limits in BDSM article. Recently, the topic has come up in various groups, so I decided to write a comprehensive article about them.
Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.
What is a safeword? When is it used? Why would a person use it? I've written about safe words in various posts, but more in depth in my Limits in BDSM article. Recently, the topic has come up in various groups, so I decided to write a comprehensive article about them.
A safeword is a code word or series of code words that are sometimes used for a submissive to communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary.
Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.
There are many advantages to having a safeword. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you're tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safeword makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.
Safewords of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual (SSC). Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the submissive and excepted by the Dominant.
There are many advantages to having a safeword. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you're tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safeword makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.
Safewords of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual (SSC). Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the submissive and excepted by the Dominant.
When you and your partner establish a safeword, you need to choose something that is easy for both of you to remember, no matter what is going on. The safeword needs to be free of sexual connotations. "No" and "stop" make bad safewords, because those are words that might be said as part of sex play. For example, if you and your partner go to a bar and one of you is pretending to pick up the other as a stranger, "Stop hitting on me," or "No, I won't go home with you" are potentially confusing if "no" or "stop" is the safeword.
Since a scene may become too intense for a submissive partner to remember what the safeword is, in practice commonly the words safeword or red are also used as safewords. They are often the default at many play parties, or respected as a safeword in addition to any negotiated safeword. A dungeon monitor would likely expect either of those words to be respected.
Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.
If your partner says the safe word, you need to stop whatever you are doing. Immediately remove yourselves from the sexual aspect of the situation. A safeword is usually used by the bottom, but can be used by all participants in a scene, including tops, dungeon masters at play parties, and sometimes even observers.
For example, a bottom may misbehave intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment, and sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know it has gone too far for the top to continue the scene. Or, a third party observing a scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.
If a submissive is gagged and unable to speak during a scene, you and your partner need to agree on a couple of hand signals that are easy to use and remember. During the a scene of this nature, the dominant needs to stop periodically and check in with the submissive to ensure the sub is ok to continue.
If and when your partner feels comfortable, talk about what went wrong or what made your partner uneasy. Do not press for an explanation, though, because the whole reason the safe word exists is to eliminate the need for an explanation to stop a scenario. Likewise, if you are the one to say the safe word, your partner must immediately respect your need to stop.
Remember, choose something odd but that you both remember and always respect your partner by stopping immediately if the safeword is used.
Safewords in BDSM
Share this post - support us:
A couple of months ago during a Question and Answer session with a BDSM author in a Facebook group, he kept saying that roles and relationships in BDSM are an illusion, especially that of a BDSM slave or M/s relationship.
Many of us that actually live everyday life as a BDSM slave took great offense to this. How can someone that is a self proclaimed Dominant say that? Where is it written that someone else's reality is defined by others that have no clue as to how other people live?
Before I continue, I want to make sure that you understand the definitions of certain key words. An illusion is defined as something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality. Reality is defined as a state of things as they actually exist or a real thing or fact.
In the BDSM Lifestyle, I define a BDSM consensual slave as a submissive that is in a very deep form of submission to a Dominant (normally called a Master/Mistress). They are normally in a real life, long term BDSM relationship. They trust their Dominant so deeply that they willingly have given up all rights to make any decisions. While they may discuss things with the Dominant on various subjects, all final decisions are made by the Dom. Even if they work outside the home, there is no such thing as a non-BDSM day. If you would like to read and gain a deeper understanding of some of the differences between a submissive and a BDSM slave, read my earlier post here.
Slavery is defined as a state of subjugation or captivity against a person's free will. History is full of examples of slavery predating written history up to the United States in the 1800's. We have all read about the horrors inflicted on these peoples. The main difference you have to understand between a BDSM slave and one from history is that a BDSM slave gives up their rights to one person of their own free will (consensual) and a slave from ancient times did not.
The argument was made that a person can not be a BDSM slave in reality because slavery is illegal. He went on to say that if a real person was a slave, the Master/Mistress could sell, beat, damage or even kill that slave without any consequences of the law. This is why he calls BDSM slaves and Master/slave relationships an illusion. My question is who says the definition for the words slave and slavery can't be adapted or added on to as many other words have been over the years?
Those of us, myself included, that do define themselves as a BDSM slave and our relationship as a Master/slave relationship see it as reality, not illusion. For three years, I have proudly worn the slave collar my Padrone (Master) put on my neck to show the world that yes, I am owned by Him. While there are certain similarities to ancient slavery, such as showing ownership by a collar and the titles of slave and Master, BDSM slavery is not anything like real slavery of old.
As a BDSM slave, all decisions made for me by my Padrone are done so out of a deep level of love, respect and understanding. The very foundation of a Master/slave relationship is trust, open communication, and honesty. Is the love he has for me an illusion? Is the fact that I do follow his rules and guidelines every day without question an illusion? How about the fact that I trust him and his wisdom so completely that I never say no to anything he asks of me? Are these illusions? No. They are reality. My life, our life, is definitely reality, not illusion.
In various previous blog posts, I have talked about my own life as a real life 24/7 slave, different types of submissives, titles and classifications in BDSM, as well as traits of a submissive. I always begin or end them with the clarification that these are my own thoughts on the subject and that there are many other and diverse ways to view a particular subject. I have never said, and never will say, that anyone who's opinion differs from mine is an delusional or not living in reality, that what they think or believe is an illusion. Why? Because reality is real. My reality, my thoughts, are my own. My reality is not the same as yours.
Just because you may not think or live the same way as the person next to you does not make their life or thoughts illusions. As we evolve and time passes, definitions of words do expand to encompass new meanings or even completely change. Remember that everyone's life is a different reality.
Share your thoughts and comments!
If you enjoyed this post, it made you feel or think differently, please share it on your Facebook, Google +, Twitter, Stumble Upon, and other social media accounts or email it to a friend!
BDSM Consensual Slave: Illusion or Reality
Share this post - support us:
I get many emails asking me about expectations of being a submissive / slave, what types of tasks or duties they are expected to perform, and how do they best serve their Dominants.
This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.
Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.
Looking at the duties and expectations as a 24/7 slave, my primary function is to make my Padrone (Master) happy and to try to make his life easier in any way that I can. These duties include cleaning, running errands, cooking, massaging his feet, making coffee, snuggling, sharing every thought with him, listening to his ideas and brainstorming to help focus that idea. There are too many to name, but you can ascertain what they can include. Whatever will make him happy and relaxed is what I will do. The widely known secret about submissives is that when they make their Dominants happy, they are even happier. I know I am.
Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.
Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.
This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.
Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.
Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.
Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.
Do you have anything to say about it? Comment and share this article on your social media accounts or email it to a friend!
Share this post - support us:
