I was recently invited back to do another Questions and Answers session with a Facebook Group called Mind, Body, and Soul BDSM. They always bring me great and innovative questions that get me thinking. Below is the first five questions with my answers.
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
Question #2) What are tips to use to stay in sub mind when everyday life tries to pull you out?
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
Question #4) When pushing a taboo limit, what method does one use to battle the fear and process what they had just accomplished?
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
Question #5) Why does it seems online ppl need tons of labels? Example: warrior sub and tin pot dom, alpha sub, etc. Etc.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
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I get many emails asking me about expectations of being a submissive / slave, what types of tasks or duties they are expected to perform, and how do they best serve their Dominants.
This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.
Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.
Looking at the duties and expectations as a 24/7 slave, my primary function is to make my Padrone (Master) happy and to try to make his life easier in any way that I can. These duties include cleaning, running errands, cooking, massaging his feet, making coffee, snuggling, sharing every thought with him, listening to his ideas and brainstorming to help focus that idea. There are too many to name, but you can ascertain what they can include. Whatever will make him happy and relaxed is what I will do. The widely known secret about submissives is that when they make their Dominants happy, they are even happier. I know I am.
Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.
Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.
This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.
Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.
Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.
Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.
Do you have anything to say about it? Comment and share this article on your social media accounts or email it to a friend!
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Respect is very important in the lifestyle.
A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.
Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.
Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your Dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.
Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Master's teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.
If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.
I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.
The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.
A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.
Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.
Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your Dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.
Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Master's teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.
If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.
I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.
The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.
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So, many of you have been very curious about my experiences as a real life 24/7 slave.
I am pretty open to who and what I am and believe. I always share my own experiences when I think they will help others. So, today's post is about me. I hate talking about myself but, with the amount of questions I have gotten, here goes!
I won't go into my past much, because I see the past as the past, and it is better left right were it is. Of course, it helped shape me into the person I am today, but the person I am today is so much different than I was 2 years ago.
I was at a point in my life where I was completely unhappy, with my work, my relationships, everything. I hated it. I was not in an environment that allowed me to be myself, the true me. I think I had lost the true me, my core self, many years before, because I had to hide who I was from everyone for so long.
I decided to get back in touch with my BDSM submissive roots. I had been trained for 2 1/2 years as a Gorean kajira, starting at the age of 19. Life intervened and I lost touch with BDSM and submission for many years.
I started reading and getting back into the scene via the internet around 1998. There wasn't much of a presence on the net as there is now, but it was there. I participated in many forums and advice columns as well as mentoring new people that had no clue where to start their own journey. Just as I was finding myself again, life intervened and my BDSM activities were put on hold. Over the next several years, career, kids, cancer and epilepsy, as well as the other normal trappings of life kept me away from the scene. I was lost once again.
I decided about 5 years ago that I could not continue living in that box society had forced me into. I had to break free of the shell I was being forced to live in. I felt like a walking zombie in much of my normal day to day life. I was only going through the motions of living, but not enjoying life. There is a HUGE difference from being alive and living your life.
My heart stopped beating on two occasions and I actually was dead, but was brought back. This was due to epilepsy and other circumstances. I also dealt with cancer and won. All of these things happening to me in a relatively short period of time was a HUGE wake up call. I had to get my life back on track and find my way back to being happy. I knew that BDSM, being a submissive, serving a Master that would allow me to be myself was the only way that I could be me and be happy. But, I was in a bad marriage and had two kids. How could I possibly participate in BDSM?
I found cyber BDSM again. I started devouring everything I could read on the scene, remembering my training and the feelings it brought me, of peace and comfort and joy. I started interacting with others in the same boat as myself and together, we helped each other relearn and regain our submissive sides. They had actually never been lost, just put away and forgotten, until we had a chance to bring them out again. I started participating in real life activities again, not sexual, but just around the scene to regain my sense of the Lifestyle.
So, after a while, I met a wonderful, smart, funny man that happened to live half a world away. He had so much wonderful advice and was so caring. He was never overbearing and you could tell, just by speaking to him, he was a natural Dominant. I talked to him and got to know him for several months before becoming his cyber slave in April of 2011.
During my time as his cyber slave, he had many rules that I had to follow. He was very flexible though and understanding because he knew I had to maintain a balance between my real life duties as well as my cyber activities. And sometimes balancing them is very hard. So over the months, we video and phone chatted, IM'd and emailed. I had as much contact with him as I could. I could never get enough. He was the one person that I felt I could just be myself. I instinctively knew I could tell him anything and he would not judge me. I completely opened up and told him about my entire life, past, present and future, wants, needs desires, hurts, dreams... Everything.
Well, in August of 2011, he flew to the USA and I returned with him to Italy, where I have been and remain very happily his 24/7 slave.
I have grown so much in the past 1 1/2 years. I have learned to be myself again. With all of the structure, rules, and guidance that Padrone had built into our ever evolving relationship, I have never felt more safe, loved, protected, cared for, or happy in my life. We have a completely open and honest, two way communication that is the very foundation of our BDSM life. We practice more the M/s part of BDSM than the S&M, but it does govern every part of our lives. I always wear my collar, everywhere I go, with or without Him. I always follow the rules he has given me, and I know the type of answer he would give in situations that might come up in which I need to make a decision.
The form my slavery takes is perhaps different from what many of you think about BDSM slavery. I have many rules, about what I can or can't wear, who I can talk to, when and where I am allowed to go, when to check in when I am out, how long I can be out of the house, and many many more. But, he has given me rules that he knows that make me feel good, happy and safe. He knows without any doubts that I will follow them always. He also knows that if I do slip up and forget something, like to make coffee for him before he wakes up, there is always a reason.
He doesn't punish me for mistakes I make, because they are usually not intentional and are related to side effects from the epilepsy. When would he punish me? I would say he would punish me harshly if I ever do something deliberately, like speak to people on purpose that I'm not supposed to, or start drama, or break some other rule on purpose he has put in place.
Many of you will be thinking at this point that without punishment or correction, that I can't learn from my mistakes. But I do. See, he does correct me. But it's in the form of actual correction and guidance. When I make a mistake, he will show me how to do it correctly. If I make mistakes because my epilepsy is acting up, then he will stand right beside me and tell me step by step how to do whatever the task is that I need to do. This type of correction, for me, reassures me that I am not stupid, but also helps me feel even more loved and protected and accepted by Padrone.
With this kind of Dominating or Mastering, I have grown back into the person I always wanted to be. I have gotten more in touch with myself deeply and know me very well. I don't hide anything from anyone anymore because I feel safe to be me and with Padrone as my Master and life partner, I feel safe to be me.
He has encouraged me to take up writing again because he knows it's a passion of mine. He also knows how much I enjoy helping others in anyway I can, so that's why I started my blogs.
I hope this answers many of your questions and helps you understand a little more about me and my background, as well as the way Padrone and I choose to practice a BDSM lifestyle.
Remember, there really is no right or wrong, and no handbook to BDSM. It's all a matter of consensual, knowledgeable decisions and the way you and your partner interpret BDSM.
Have fun, read, explore and stay safe!
Michelle Fegatofi
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With the popularity of the 50 Shades novels, as well as the growing interest on the internet, I decided to layout the different roles and relationships seen within the BDSM community.
Many of you are probably already familiar with them, but the way I see things might differ from your own views and it's always nice to see a fresh perspective on the Lifestyle.
Remember that not all people fall under one label or category. Some people are self proclaimed Masters instead of just a Dominant, others are self proclaimed slaves instead of just a submissive. It is not about the labels. It is about what you feel deep inside yourself. BDSM is about the deep connection you get when taking complete control of another person or surrendering complete control.
Also remember that there are many kinds of Dominants and submissives in sub-categories. I won't expound on those today. If you have a different view, please comment. I love feedback and am always wanting to grow in my knowledge.
These refer to the person in charge or in control. These titles are generally used only during scene play. They are not used as a form of address a Dominant, but only to describe the person.
This title refers to the person in control and is usually only used in a Master/slave relationship. It is also the most commonly used name to address the Dominant in a M/s relationship.
These titles refer to the one that submits.
A slave is an individual who is wholly under the control of a Master. They freely surrendered their rights and privileges as an individual. A slave thrives on the opportunity to provide unconditional service and to exceed their Owner's expectations. The slave is devoted to the service and the will of their Owner.
This title refers to someone who plays both Dom and Sub roles, usually with different partners.
Depending on how you and your partner decide to practice a BDSM lifestyle, will determine which relationship you fall under. There are three main areas relationships can be categorized as, with many variations possible underneath.
This type of play is normally reserved for a Dom and sub that play with each other from time to time. They do not have a fixed relationship. It also encompasses people that just meet up on the weekends at BDSM clubs and do a scene together. Their knowledge of each other is limited or non-existent. The power exchange and negotiations are in place solely for that specific scene.
In these relationships the focus is not on just play, but also on the mental aspects of the power exchange and service by the submissive. The power exchange is not always obvious, but each person involved knows their place whether play has occured recently or not. In this kind of relationship, one finds rules of behavior, expectations, and tasks put on the submissive. The majority of mainstream BDSM relationships fall into this category. Such a relationship may or may not include love. It also may or may not include limits on play activities, which were imposed by the submissive.
In this type of relationship, there is a total giving of power from the slave to the Dominant. It is, in fact, a total power exchange (TPE). Like the D/s relationship, the power exchange is present outside of sexual encounters. Unlike the D/s relationship, the slave can not and does not set any limits on the Dominant and usually does not have a safeword. As in the D/s relationship, you will find rules of behavior, expectations and tasks placed on the slave. These rules normally cover a lot more area, such as tone of voice, body movements, sleeping and eating habits, poise and more. The main focus of this relationship is the service of the slave, not sexual gratification. The service of the slave is the most satisfying and driving force behind the relationship. Those involved in an M/s relationship, do so because they need to serve or be served. The slave wants to relinquish all control to the Dominant and is happiest when he/she finds the right Dominant for them to which they can fully submit.
There is a fourth type of relationship I have seen, yet have not heard anyone name it or clearly define it, but it does exist. It comes between a D/s and an M/s relationship. It has traits of both types. It focuses more on service and mental aspects than a standard D/s relationship, yet still has a bit more focus on the physical aspects than the M/s relationship. In such a relationship, the submissive exhibits and is happiest with quite a few attributes of the M/s relationship. It usually contains blanket consent, no safe words, and no limits. Such a relationship can grow into an M/s one or revert to a D/s one, depending on what the participants want.
Because of the many variations of relationships, it is good to have a general idea of the different relationships that are possible. Armed with such information, it becomes easier to avoid finding yourself in a relationship that you either can't handle or just are not happy in. It is extremely important that prospective partners discuss what they want in a relationship, and honestly evaluate if their visions of the ideal relationship match.
Many of you are probably already familiar with them, but the way I see things might differ from your own views and it's always nice to see a fresh perspective on the Lifestyle.
Remember that not all people fall under one label or category. Some people are self proclaimed Masters instead of just a Dominant, others are self proclaimed slaves instead of just a submissive. It is not about the labels. It is about what you feel deep inside yourself. BDSM is about the deep connection you get when taking complete control of another person or surrendering complete control.
Also remember that there are many kinds of Dominants and submissives in sub-categories. I won't expound on those today. If you have a different view, please comment. I love feedback and am always wanting to grow in my knowledge.
Top/Dominant/Dom/Domme
These refer to the person in charge or in control. These titles are generally used only during scene play. They are not used as a form of address a Dominant, but only to describe the person.
Master/Mistress
This title refers to the person in control and is usually only used in a Master/slave relationship. It is also the most commonly used name to address the Dominant in a M/s relationship.
Bottom/Submissive
These titles refer to the one that submits.
Slave
A slave is an individual who is wholly under the control of a Master. They freely surrendered their rights and privileges as an individual. A slave thrives on the opportunity to provide unconditional service and to exceed their Owner's expectations. The slave is devoted to the service and the will of their Owner.
Switch
This title refers to someone who plays both Dom and Sub roles, usually with different partners.
Relationships
Depending on how you and your partner decide to practice a BDSM lifestyle, will determine which relationship you fall under. There are three main areas relationships can be categorized as, with many variations possible underneath.
Top/bottom
This type of play is normally reserved for a Dom and sub that play with each other from time to time. They do not have a fixed relationship. It also encompasses people that just meet up on the weekends at BDSM clubs and do a scene together. Their knowledge of each other is limited or non-existent. The power exchange and negotiations are in place solely for that specific scene.
Dominant/submissive
In these relationships the focus is not on just play, but also on the mental aspects of the power exchange and service by the submissive. The power exchange is not always obvious, but each person involved knows their place whether play has occured recently or not. In this kind of relationship, one finds rules of behavior, expectations, and tasks put on the submissive. The majority of mainstream BDSM relationships fall into this category. Such a relationship may or may not include love. It also may or may not include limits on play activities, which were imposed by the submissive.
Master/slave
In this type of relationship, there is a total giving of power from the slave to the Dominant. It is, in fact, a total power exchange (TPE). Like the D/s relationship, the power exchange is present outside of sexual encounters. Unlike the D/s relationship, the slave can not and does not set any limits on the Dominant and usually does not have a safeword. As in the D/s relationship, you will find rules of behavior, expectations and tasks placed on the slave. These rules normally cover a lot more area, such as tone of voice, body movements, sleeping and eating habits, poise and more. The main focus of this relationship is the service of the slave, not sexual gratification. The service of the slave is the most satisfying and driving force behind the relationship. Those involved in an M/s relationship, do so because they need to serve or be served. The slave wants to relinquish all control to the Dominant and is happiest when he/she finds the right Dominant for them to which they can fully submit.
There is a fourth type of relationship I have seen, yet have not heard anyone name it or clearly define it, but it does exist. It comes between a D/s and an M/s relationship. It has traits of both types. It focuses more on service and mental aspects than a standard D/s relationship, yet still has a bit more focus on the physical aspects than the M/s relationship. In such a relationship, the submissive exhibits and is happiest with quite a few attributes of the M/s relationship. It usually contains blanket consent, no safe words, and no limits. Such a relationship can grow into an M/s one or revert to a D/s one, depending on what the participants want.
Because of the many variations of relationships, it is good to have a general idea of the different relationships that are possible. Armed with such information, it becomes easier to avoid finding yourself in a relationship that you either can't handle or just are not happy in. It is extremely important that prospective partners discuss what they want in a relationship, and honestly evaluate if their visions of the ideal relationship match.
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