Michelle Fegatofi

Now that the Christmas season is over, I’ve noticed that traffic is picking back up in Lifestyle related groups, as well as on my own sites. There’s been a mix of old and new people coming together to discuss BDSM subjects. One recurring theme I have seen pop up a couple of times over the past few weeks is the phrase “My Dominant/Master knows me better than I know myself”. This made me stop and think. I have seen this phrase used by mainly newer subs that are in online only relationships. That’s why this phrase stood out and bugged me so much.

Could this be true? I know my Padrone knows my moods, likes, wants, needs, and even health related problems inside out, because we’ve been together for 6 1/2 years now. But, I can’t honestly say that he knows me better than I know myself. Even as close as we are in thoughts, morals, and personal likes and interests, there is still no way he can know me better than I know me. The reason is simple. He is not a mind reader. While he comes extremely close most of the time, it’s because we’ve been together for so long and communicate well. When we have disagreements and I get emotional, there’s no way he could have any idea about what is going through my head.

You are probably wondering why such a simple phrase could get me so aggravated. Here’s why. I’ve read many posts where a new submissive will say that she’s in a relationship with her Dominant and they have no limits. The Dominant will end up taking over large portions of the sub’s life and giving her rules and boundaries that do not take into account her own personal needs or preferences. These Dominants usually end up leaving the sub before 6 months and the sub is left feeling broken. The submissives end up blaming themselves for everything that went wrong because they really thought that the Dominant knew them better than themselves and they gave up who they were to please that person.

In a relationship, there will always be learning curves and compromises. Especially in a BDSM dynamic, a Limits list is the minimum a new couple should fill in. I really encourage you to fill in a contract as well. Why? Because this will ensure that everybody in the relationship is on the same page. Contracts can and should be reviewed and revised as the relationship progresses. Things change in time.

A bottom, no matter what title they go by, should always maintain a sense of self, even when in the depths of consensual slavery. Why? Because we are human beings first. We are all individuals. No two people are exactly alike in their thinking or preferences. That’s impossible. Even identical twins have different personalities.

What I’m saying is that even if your Dominant/Master is very good in predicting/understanding your moods/needs, it doesn’t mean that they know exactly what is in your heart and soul. They will never be able to know you better than you do, especially if you pay attention to your body and mind.

Protect yourself and make sure you take care of your own self first because in doing so, you can take better care of your Dominant/Master.

Thoughts? Please leave us a comment below!

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Michelle Fegatofi

Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday!
We hope that we bring you many new and insightful things and inspire you to think outside your own box! This week's post touches three very different subjects: Pet play versus Furries, Feminist and Submissive, Slave or submissive - is one better than the other.

Question #1) "I am wondering if pets are the same as furries. I read about the furry convention in which someone set off a smoke bomb in the hotel where the event was taking place. Some were kittens, puppies, etc. In BDSM are the pets that some Dominants have also furries in that they act and dress like the small animal that the Dominant has identified?"

The furry genre (sometimes referred to as a meta-genre) is based on the idea of fantasy animal characters, rather than any one type of fiction. Any title in any form of media can be considered relative to the furry genre simply by having a fantasy animal character in it. Such characters are most often seen in cartoons, comics, science fiction, allegorical novels, Gothic horror movies, commercials and video games. People like to dress up as one of these characters and take on that personality while hiding who they really are.

Pet Play or Animal roleplay may be either a non-sexual or an erotic sexual role-play (when it may also be called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play). In its erotic sexual role-play form, one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal or in a sexual context may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).

I have never seen the two subcultures mixed. Those who practice BDSM Pet Play are normally solely in that role while those who are in to the Furry Culture usually participate solely in that role. While there are undoubtedly some people who dabble in both scenes, they do not mix and are completely separate. 

Question #2) "I am a modern woman. I take care of myself just fine. I work, pay my bills, and have always made my own way. But, when I read the erotica BDSM books, I want a relationship like that. Can I have that and still maintain who I am?"

The answer lies within yourself. It depends on what type of relationship you are looking for exactly. Do you want the kink that most of the erotic books detail out or are you looking for something deeper that would make you a submissive in other instances of your life, other than just during sex? I encourage you to read blog posts from real life submissives and try to start understanding what their role is exactly and also really ask yourself what you really want from a relationship. That is the only way you will be able to decide if you want to maintain some kind of interdependence or if you want to explore a deeper form of submission.

Question #3) "Are slave submissives better than just plain submissives?"

The first thing I would say is that there is no such thing as a 'plain submissive'. There are so many levels, layers, and forms to submission that you can't begin to say one is better than another. A slave is just a deeper form of submission than a submissive. It is not better or worse in any way, just different. If you want to be a submissive, you should not focus on what category you think you fit into, but focus instead on what you want and expect out of a D/s relationship. 

I hope you have gained some new knowledge or insight in to the above subjects and add to your own wealth of knowledge. If you have anything to add to the above conversation, please leave a comment!

Do you have a question of your own you would like to ask me? If so, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I Am A Submissive Woman

i find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive

to my Master in a loving relationship.

i am not weak or stupid. i am a strong woman,

with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of my life.

i do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

i will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never

will i be more complete than when He is with me.

i know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul

with His strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him.

His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.

Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy…

His punishments may be harsh, but i accept them thankfully,

knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.

If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him

and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness.

However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of O/our relationship.

The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt,

those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am.

No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes,

and because of that i hold my head high.

If He says i am His precious jewel,

then i am that…a beautiful, sparkling gem.

If He says that i am His pet, His slut, His whore, then i am that..

as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be.

My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can.

i have no secrets from Him… for secrets are a thing that would

keep me from being more perfectly His.

Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…

and i do not want walls.

His lessons are not always ones i would seek on my own,

but they are lessons He has decided that i need, and so i learn from Him.

My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be

when i kneel naked at His feet.

Never a moment goes by when i do not feel His presence,

be He miles away or standing over me.

If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul,

worse punishment than any lashes could be.

The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him

is harder to bear than any physical anguish i feel.

i am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend

His time and energy so freely on me.

i have the easier job, to feel, to experience,

to let myself go and abandon everything to Him.

i am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously .

i am a submissive woman.

i am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that i do not give lightly,

and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to my Master who has that strength, will i give myself fully,

because i am strong and proud.

i am a submissive woman.

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Michelle Fegatofi

In January, we all try to make plans and goals for the year.

We make lists of sometimes unreachable accomplishments. As the year progresses, the days, weeks and months steadily roll by. Life intervenes. It interrupts our perfectly planned list that we made back in January. All of a sudden, we look up and realize it's September! Where the heck did the year go? Were we sleeping through a large portion of it? You realize that most of the goals you set out to accomplish at the beginning of the year will never be completed. You feel like a failure.

That scenario above is basically what happened to me. In January, I was all gung-ho about cooking new and exciting recipes, posting daily on the many different social media sites I have, and writing blog posts at least once a week. I was working on a new book, answering fan questions, and interacting with a lot different people online. I cleaned house, took daily walks with my dog, did the shopping, and took care of my Padrone. I went to work with Padrone at least 4 nights a week to keep him company and worked from the hotel. 

As the months passed, I started slowing down. My focus started shifting from all the work that I was doing to concentrating more on smaller tasks. I started reducing the amount of new recipes I cooked. I wasn't interacting as much online with my fans and friends. Around May, the number of social sites I posted on regularly reduced drastically in number because I simply did not have the drive to keep up with them. I was only being inspired to write about twice a month on my blog and had completely stopped working on the new book. 

What had changed? I was still a slave, still lived BDSM 24/7 and still loved the lifestyle. My passion for the Lifestyle had not waned, just the drive that had made it almost my sole focus for 2 years. I was tired. I wanted to focus or concentrate on more diverse things, not just the driving force inside myself that always pushed me to work almost 16 hour days just to keep up with all the sites that I had built up on the internet. I didn't understand myself why I had changed. I felt like I was failing not only myself, but my fans and friends both. As a real life submissive slave, I felt like a huge failure. At times, I didn't feel worthy of the title 'submissive'. 

In June, I got a second wind. I found an automation tool that posted pictures automatically for me on many of my sites around the internet. All I had to do is find and schedule the pictures. I restarted interacting with friends and fans more and was getting back into my groove that had left me flailing mid year. We started thinking of getting a second Chihuahua as a companion for our other dog (fur baby) Harper. The world seemed a little brighter and I started feeling like I was more in sync with my inner self than I had been for months.

In July, we bought new furniture and decided to paint the house. Padrone works at night and sleeps during the day, so the only time I could paint was during the night when he was at work. I got half way through painting when the bed arrived. While moving the mattress up three flights of stairs, I messed up my back severely! I was out of commission for over a week and a half. I literally could not move at all for about three days. I started feeling down again and out of sync. I felt more guilty because of my inability to do anything. I was helpless and the house was a complete wreck.  

Padrone kept telling me that it was not my fault and that everything would be ok. He told me over and over again to not worry. He knew that if I stressed myself out too much that I would end up having a seizure, and with my back already messed up really bad, a seizure was the last thing I needed. I finally realized that it was not my fault that my back went out and that I was doing the best that I could.

Being so preoccupied in July with the renovations, my back problems and searching for a new dog, I was not focusing at all on any of my internet duties. I felt at times that I was even slipping in my real life submissive duties as well. This is where I have to explain a little about my Padrone's approach to Domination. He has a set of rules that I must always follow, but he does not give me daily tasks. He knows that I understand what is expected of me and that I will always go above and beyond his expectations when I can. He is very flexible and understanding when I'm not able, or don't want, to perform certain tasks (such as cooking, cleaning, working on the internet, etc.) because of health reasons. He knows that I am not lazy and will never not do something just because I don't feel like it. There is always a reason. Now, as I was saying, even though I could not physically do much of anything because of my back, I still felt like I was failing Him in my submissive duties.

Padrone made me understand after many conversations, and tears on my part, that I was still fulfilling my submissive duties. I was not a submissive failure. I was hurt and had to heal. My only task at that time was to rest and not push myself too hard until I was better and back on my feet. It was my duty to him to ensure that I was healthy and happy. In taking care of myself, not pushing myself, and being happy, I made him happy. And making him happy was, is, and always will be my main priority.

August comes around and everybody goes on vacation in Italy, including us. I finally finished redecorating the bedroom and was really focused on finding a companion for our other dog. I was still letting many sites slip by without posting much. I wasn't producing any new poems. I wasn't writing any new blog posts. I wasn't interacting with many people online again, and not answering fan mail often.

What was I doing? I was living life offline. But, I have a big online presence. Online activities was my job. I was responsible for keeping all of the content going. I was not focusing on my pages, blog or fans. I once again felt like I was not only letting all of my followers down, but my Padrone and myself. I was failing again! Padrone had to remind me once again that his number one rule for me was to do what I feel like doing and not push myself into doing something I don't want to. Again, he pulled me back from self flagellation and helped me get back on track.

On top of all this, I also deal with health issues on an almost daily basis. I have Epilepsy. It can manifest in many different ways, not just seizures, at any time. While it had been relatively quiet, other, very troubling symptoms cropped up and got worse as the year progressed. In the first days of September, I can say that I was poked, prodded, and tested more than I had been in years. If you suffer with a debilitating illness and are a sub/slave, you understand how much it can impact your life as well as your ability to do anything. While I have learned to not blame myself for my Epilepsy episodes, the new health problems were messing with my confidence again. Many times I felt unworthy and a failure. As always, Padrone made me see that's not true. 

Now we are in the middle of September and life slowly has gotten back to normal and back on track. In August, we acquired a 4 month old female Chihuahua companion for our six year old Chihuahua/Pincher mix. I have gotten a handle on scheduling posts for the main social media sites I post on and I am writing this blog post now. Slowly, but surely, I am learning to manage everything once again, learning that even though my focus may change from one week to another, and that my priorities will change, that I am not a failure as a submissive.

I may not do every task that I set for myself every single day for different reasons. Some days I won't cook. Other days I won't post online. Some days I will do it all. No matter how the day ends up, whether I am sick or feeling good, whether I do tons of work or nothing at all, as long as I keep my focus on being happy and keeping my Padrone as happy as possible, I have not failed as a submissive.

Now, why did I write such a long post? Why would you care about what's been going on in my personal life? What is the point? The point is simple. Each one of you have busy lives. Your own priorities will change from day to day and you will definitely drop some task that you think makes you a failure. You might be too tired some days to perform some task or duty that your Dominant has assigned you. Your kids or other family members will want your attention and keep you from completing an assignment. Life is dynamic. It is always changing. Just because you can't be Super Submissive every day does not mean you are a failure. Take life one day at a time and try your best. That is all that your Dominant asks of you, and that is all you should expect of yourself.

Dominants, it's very important that you always ensure that your submissives understand that they are not failures if they can't perform tasks or assignments due to health issues. I know there are dominants that think they should never be flexible and that every infraction, missed task, etc needs punishment. If you are this type of dom, I urge you to never get involved with a submissive that has any health issues. Stay with only perfectly healthy subs. Why? Because if you are that rigid and your sub gets sick, I guarantee the sub will have long lasting confidence issues after suffering punishments given due to being unable to perform because of the illness.

Above all, remember that BDSM, D/s, or M/s can be practiced in an infinite numbers of ways. Submission should always make you happy and be something freely given. If you are constantly feeling down, like a failure, remember that is not true. You do your best everyday and that's all anyone can ever ask.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Well, today's the day!

It's the 3rd anniversary of the day Padrone flew to California to pack me up and bring me back to Italy to live with him as his 24/7 slave.
To celebrate and mark the occasion, we got the same tattoo on our right arms. I know many people don't like or approve this kind of symbolic gesture, but it's a symbol of love and commitment to us.

We definitely have had some huge learning curves, as every relationship does, being from different countries and having a sixteen year age span between us. But, we both learned to compromise on some things and learned to live with others.

Along the way, life has taught us both many things. I know some of you are thinking that as an M/s couple, there should be no compromises on the Master's part. That is simply not true. If a couple are in love and they want to have a lasting relationship, compromise is one of the key ingredients needed.

Padrone has added new rules, changed some rules, and completely eliminated others. We have had the normal ups and downs, but every down has brought us that much closer. You see, during a disagreement, we take it as an opportunity to learn and compromise versus holding grudges.

Here are some basics that we have learned in the past three years as a couple and as a 24/7 M/s dynamic.

1.  Always be truthful, even if your partner might not like what you have to say.
2. Voice your thoughts! Never keep your partner guessing as to what you're feeling.
3. Never make your partner jealous on purpose. That is just childish.
4. Always make time for snuggling. Yes, simple snuggling can make a huge difference in how you feel.
5. Compromise! I can't stress this enough.
6. Don't dwell on small petty things. This can break a relationship.
7. Don't keep bringing up past experiences. You have a past. Everyone does. The trick is to start this relationship with a fresh slate.
8. Always learn from each other.
9. Never take your partner or their contributions to your relationship for granted. Make sure they always know how much you appreciate everything they do.
10. Don't assume. For good or bad, assumptions can lead to trouble you don't need.
11. Always trust in the rules and teachings of your Dominant. 
12. Don't make or cause drama where there is none.

There are many other things that I could list, but the above ones are a good base for anyone to follow. Above all, love, trust and always believe in your partner. 

Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

I promised to give you all a sneak preview of the Table of Contents for my new book, Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within.
I'm very proud to announce it here today! Let me know what you think! Look for more updates as the release date draws nearer!

Let me hear your thoughts on the content. Leave your comments below! 

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Michelle Fegatofi

A Loving Master

by Michelle Fegatofi

When I am serving Him, I am free,

When I am kneeling to Him, I am me.

When I feel His pride in my submission, I am elated,

When I know He is happy, the pride I feel inside can’t be stated.

When He looks at me with love and authority, my soul soars,

When He puts His hand on my head, he touches me to my core.

When I’m flying high, He tethers me to the ground,

When I am scared, He protects me all around.

When I am weak, He always gives me His strength,

When I need to talk, He always listens to me at length.

When I doubt myself, He always holds me high,

When I am in tears, He holds me tight and lets me cry. 

He is my Master, my one and true guide, 

He is the only one from whom I will never have a reason to hide. 

He is the center, the one that my world revolves around, 

He is the one to whom I will always and forever remain bound.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I would like to re-introduce you to a wonderful couple, Master Grimm and Slave Nalani. They are a 24/7 BDSM couple that live the lifestyle while being cross-country truck drivers.

If you have not read the first, second, or third parts of their story, I encourage you to read them before continuing on with this one. This is the last installment of their beautiful story that will be posted here. Stay tuned for the e-book to find out the rest of the story! Enjoy this final post of their truly wonderful story.

One day, I had my worse day ever! Since I found this special Man online, my sleep schedule was all messed up because of the huge time difference. I tried to stay awake as long as possible, drinking coffee like crazy so I could stay in contact with my new Master as long as I could! Every day, I woke up at 6am and went to bed at 2 or 3am in the morning, only to wake up again at 6am, just to make sure I didn’t lose contact with Him. He told me from the beginning that he wanted to wish me sweet dreams and tell me he loved me before I went to sleep. If I didn't tell him that I was going to sleep, I would be punished by Him not talking to me a whole day!

One night I fell asleep like a rock! Passed out! I jerked awake shocked! There it was! The one message from Him I never wanted to get! "This will be your punishment", He wrote. I cried hard that whole day! I wrote Him begging Him for forgiveness. My eyes were swollen I didn't eat because I was so upset! How could I do this to him? I looked at the pictures of him that I had printed out and framed. I looked at FB and no response! I cried so much and was hurting so badly that I punished myself by pouring hot candle wax over my breasts, which caused blisters to form. My mind was empty. I thought that I had lost him, because this was my first punishment and I didn't know how to handle it.

The next day, my breasts were hurting because of the candle wax. It reminded me of what had happened. My mind was back on earth again, and after I had finished housework, I looked on FB and found two messages from Him in my inbox!

I was almost too nervous to open them, but I did. He wrote me that I was forgiven and explained to me how important it was for Him to wish me good night and tell me that he loves me. As a truck driver, it isn't easy out on the road and you never know what is going to happen! He felt sorry for me that I had burned myself with the candle wax and told me that if he could be with me, he would have taken care of it. I cried when I was reading his letter to me. I cried so hard I could barely read it through the tears. I cleaned up my face and calmed down before going back to my laptop and writing him back with " i am sorry Master, please forgive me Master. It won't happen again. It was my fault Master and i deserved Your punishment". Fighting back new tears, I wrote him that I love him and told him how much he means to me! He responded back shortly after I sent the message saying he loves me more and that I am special to him. Everything was back to normal again and we both felt better!

After a few days, we had another conversation about moving to be together. He had told his family about possibly moving to Europe to be with me and most of his family supported his decision. Some family didn’t agree and couldn't support that decision. His friends were excited. Only one of his friends told him that it was just some Internet thing and wasn't real. I was hurt by that because all we wanted was for our fairytale to come true! Master asked me how I felt about going to him in the United States of America. For a moment, I was quiet and he said "Hello? Are you there?" I answered with "Yes Master! I would love that!" I was one happy little slave with a big smile on my face!

So I told him that I would do everything to come to him and he was excited and happy! After all, what did I have to lose? Nothing at all! I didn't have any family. My mom died when I was 16years old. I didn't have contact with my father or bother, so what could hold me there? Nothing in my opinion! He told me to come out in the summer of 2011 and that we would do everything to make this bond we had created stronger and turn it into reality. I could serve him 24/7 as his slave. He would train me and teach me everything! Wow my life turned completely into a different life than how I lived before I found him! It was January 2011. We continued to chat, talk online, text back and forth, phone calls and more! The more we talked, the more excited we got about summertime! We fell more deeply in love with each passing day. There were many spicy phone calls in which he wanted me to call him so he could give me permission to play with myself and so he could tell me "Cum for me slave!" Yes, this Man knows exactly how to handle me as newbie slave.

One day while we talked on yahoo messenger voice, he told me he couldn't handle our distance anymore. That it had become too hard and painful for him. I told that I couldn't handle it much either but we had to try to stay strong. Then he said, "I want you here before my birthday on April 4th." Oh boy, it was only 2 months away I told him. He started laughing and said "You’re good in counting." I said "Yes Master, i will be there before Your Birthday." He was happy!

I had to make everything possible in only two months! So for two straight months, I worked that much harder to save the money together for the airplane ticket and to have extra money with me. In the meantime, I gave all my furniture away to the Goodwill. I was very stressed all the time during those two months, counting my money to make sure I had enough for an airplane ticket. I ate as cheap as I could. I gave up my apartment and everything in Europe. My life had come to an end there! Nobody helped me. I did it all by myself!

I made it! That last night, we had our last online chat. My suitcase was packed and I sat in an empty house counting the hours away till it was my time to close the door behind me and say goodbye to my life in Europe! That last night, Master and I talked and He was excited and a little nervous too. I had my shower, was dressed and ready to go waiting for the taxi to arrive. We ended the call and I told him I would call him as soon I was on the bus that goes to the airport in Brussels, Belgium. It was 5 am in the morning when I arrived at the airport and my flight didn't leave till 11 am. I think I was afraid to be late. I checked in, my suitcase was stowed away and I sat at Gate 43 waiting for my departure time! The flights I had to take were, Brussels to Frankfurt, Frankfurt to Houston, TX and Houston, TX to Ontario, California. This was going to be a very long flight, a total of 23 hours.

slave nalani

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Michelle Fegatofi

After a while, even with the kink that goes on in a BDSM relationship, things can become routine.

A spanking is just another spanking, or serving becomes so routine you can do it with out thought. In time, all relationships can get into a rut. Here are some things you might try to spice up your relationship with your Dom or sub partner.

All the Kink, but None of the Thrill

If you are a couple that incorporates some or many BDSM toys in your daily or weekly sex life and you or your partner are not getting the same thrill or zing from it, it may be time to go back to basics. 

Recently, I received an email from a fan that was having trouble achieving an orgasm. She stated that her Dom uses the same toys every session, even if in different orders, and that he uses many different ones. I recommended them going back to basics. 

See, the human body has many pleasure and pain points. There are many toys on the market (bondage, vibrators, clamps, blindfolds, dildos, floggers, paddles, etc...) that do very good jobs at enhancing sexual arousal and pleasure. But, if you use all of the toys mentioned above for every scene or session, after time, depending on the person, it can become routine and your body gets used to them. 

I suggested she set down with her Dominant and discuss this problem. She did and they got rid of all but one toy and decided to change up the toys from scene to scene and to sometimes leave them out all together, using only hands and the ability to obey, as their "tools". I received an email about 3 weeks later and she said that it worked! She had orgasmed every time. 

Back to Basics Suggestions:

If you are used to letting toys do the work of arousing and teasing your sub, then you should learn or re-learn to use your mind, body and voice as your only tools. 

Voice - Use your most dominant sounding voice to command your sub to stay in certain positions (on all fours, flat on back knees raised, arms to the side, standing at attention legs wide apart, etc...). The sound and power that comes from a natural dominant's commands will sink into a sub's mind and stimulate not only her need and wish to submit to whatever you say, but will also activate her sexual desires as well. Remember, the mind is the most sensual sexual organ we possess.

Body - Use your hands to tease the sub's body. Play with her breasts and nipples, touching light to hard. Experiment with lightly touching her with just your fingertips all over her body while she is laying still and commanded not to move. Use your lips to nibble and reign kisses all over her neck, arms, legs, and torso (front and back) while skipping over her clit and nipples. This builds anticipation and will be unexpected. Have her lay on her stomach with legs spread and lay down on top of her, teasing her vagina with your penis without actually inserting it. Play with her. Enjoy the feeling of your skin on hers. Of the differences between the two of you and how wonderful you both feel touching each other. 

Mind - This is your biggest asset, because this is where all the feelings and stimulus that you are doing to her body end up going. Use your imagination. Allow yourself to act out your fantasies with her. Get into her mind, make it sensual and sexy. Make her feel deeply how much you want her by showing her physically and telling her verbally. 

Sometimes we forget how to actually connect with our partners without using toys, bondage, or other stimuli. Even if you aren't having issues because of incorporating too many things, take a step back every now and then and embrace a simpler but very sexy and sensual form of sex. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Many of you have heard me speak of how much better I have been with my epilepsy, mental and physical health, and overall well being since I have been with my Padrone.

Padrone Marco Fegatofi

Sunday we are celebrating our 2nd anniversary and thought it would be a great idea to look back. I don't even look like the same person I was over 2.5 years ago!

Love and complete submission can do wonders.

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Michelle Fegatofi

In response to all the groups who feel BDSM and Dominant/submissive relationships in general are demeaning or violence against women, I have to speak my mind, which is my opinion as a respected member of our community, and as a Master.

I would like to explain so others may better understand several things:
(for reference - Dom/mes is the collective term for male and female Dominants within our lifestyle)

First: If in fighting for women's rights, you take away their right to live as they choose to live of their own free will, you may be much more oppressive than you believe us to be. We as Dom/mes look for strong-minded people who can make the informed decision to submit. There is nothing gained by imposing control over people too weak to stand up for themselves; quite often Dom/mes stand up for those too weak or unwilling to do so. We guide those who lack strength away from predators and help them find pride and strength within themselves.

Second: We are not demeaning to women; we work very hard to provide an environment that instills pride, growth and self-confidence. We have great respect for those who choose to live this lifestyle, especially the submissives we love so much. They give us the greatest gift imaginable... themselves, fully and completely, knowing we respect them and honor the gift they choose to give. This gift is something we as Dom/mes know can be taken away if we don't hold it sacred.

Third: These groups that oppose us living the way we choose often claim that Dom/mes are uncaring people. For those people I can only say, you will never know how deeply we are connected to each other. It is because of how much we love that we are able to give so much of ourselves to the care and needs of our submissive. Outsiders have no clue how much time and effort goes into building the trust required for this lifestyle to work, not just in the beginning, but always.

Also: We are not violent. We do not act out of rage or even anger. In order to accept control over another, we must be in control of ourselves. Many of us stand strong opposing domestic violence. Pain does not equal violence. Serious questions here: Who among you has enjoyed a little hair tug or smack on the butt during sex, whether giving or receiving? How about a nibble that gets a little rougher than usual? Nails scratching down your back in ecstasy? Maybe you like hands pinned to the bed while staring deeply into your lover’s eyes; have you ever realized this is a form of dominance, and even bondage? Kinky is quite natural, even normal for people to want to feel this way.

Next: We are not barbarians; the majority of male Dominants are very much gentlemen. We open doors, pull out chairs, bring home flowers, and sweep them off their feet with a kiss when we return home.

After that I need to address another point: Not all Dominants are men. There are many Dommes and Mistresses, many of which have male submissives. They also operate at the highest of respect when it comes to their relationships. How can women's rights groups attack a lifestyle that is so accepting of 'equal opportunity'? We don't discriminate against anyone. In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a group or community more open-minded than within BDSM.

Finally: I'd like to address the thought of people leading the weak like sheep. Sheep are uninformed animals. They follow wherever they are led, blindly, without question or concern for themselves or others. They seek no knowledge, only doing as they have been led to do. I challenge anyone not informed of our lifestyle to become informed, to quit being led like sheep, uninformed yet following a cause when you don't truly understand what it is against. People, who follow causes without knowledge of what they are fighting against, are essentially consensual slaves, though a less informed slave than any within our lifestyle. -- Blac Talon

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Michelle Fegatofi

If you don't already know, bondage is the activity of restraining people for mutual erotic pleasure-tying someone up, locking them in chains, cuffs or collars, or using more esoteric forms of restraint--it's fun, can be incredibly hot and is a huge turn-on for a lot of people.

Per one well known source, the Kinsey Institute, 12% of females and 22% of males respond erotically to S&M. Studies vary, but another one (Lowe, 1983) had it that 5-10% of the U.S. engages in SM for sexual pleasure on at least an occasional basis. It also said that 11% of men and 17% of women reported at least trying bondage, so it follows that these people thought it might be a turn on. It is nothing new, but seems to be growing.

Just look at the massive (and growing) amount of bondage-related images in pop culture these days--movies, TV and music videos--and you can see that people are awakening to this side of sexuality. If you ever found yourself watching a movie with slightly more than causal interest when the girl or guy was tied up or had a collar locked around their neck or was locked in a prison cell, then you probably know a bit about this already.

Bondage as a sexual activity first came to notice in Japan in the late Edo period. Generally recognized as "father of Kinbaku" is Seiu Ito, who started studying and researching Hojōjutsu is credited with the inception of Kinbaku, though it is noted that he drew inspiration from other art forms of the time including Kabuki theatre and Ukiyoe woodblock prints. Kinbaku became widely popular in Japan in the 1950s through magazines such as Kitan Club and Yomikiri Romance, which published the first naked bondage photographs. In the 1960s, people such as Eikichi Osada began to appear performing live SM shows often including a large amount of rope bondage, today these performers are often referred to as Nawashi (rope master) or Bakushi (from kinbakushi, meaning bondage master).

The ropes used come in a variety of materials and length. Japanese bondage traditionally uses natural fibers such as hemp and jute which are cut to approximately 25 foot lengths. American-style bondage typically uses longer ropes that span a wider variety of materials.

An important part of rope bondage is the rope dress, which is not of itself a form of restraint, but may be used either by itself as an adornment, or as a basis for restraining bondage.

There are two main names used in the BDSM community today for rope bondage - Kinbaku and Shibari. There is much discussion about the distinction between shibari and kinbaku, and whether one term is more appropriate than another. One modern distinction which is gaining popularity is that shibari refers to purely artistic, aesthetic rope, whilst kinbaku refers to the artistic, connective, sensual, sexual practice as a whole.

A traditional view is that the term 'shibari' is a wrong Western Japonism. The word denotes tying in Japanese, but in a generic way, and traditionally not in the context of bondage. The names for many particular ties include 'shibari', but it is not traditional to call the entire activity that way. Instead, Kinbaku is the term for artistic or erotic tying within traditional Japanese rope bondage circles.

However, this is a somewhat hidebound definition and the word shibari is now increasingly being re-imported from the West to Japan, as the tying communities are very much interconnected. Most Japanese kinbakushi do not object to the term shibari, as it's common vernacular in the global community.

Kinbaku Technique

Kinbaku means 'tight binding'. Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage or BDSM which involves tying up the bottom using simple, yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope. The allusion is to the use of hemp rope for restraining prisoners, as a symbol of power, in the same way that stocks or manacles are used in a Western BDSM context.

Traditional Kinbaku is based on fairly specific rope patterns, most of them derived from Hojojutsu ties. Of particular importance are the Ushiro Takatekote (a type of arm box tie), which forms the basis of most Kinbaku ties, and the Ebi, or "Shrimp", which was originally designed as a torture tie but today makes the bottom vulnerable for more pleasant forms of play.

For historic reasons, Kinbaku uses very few knots, sometimes none at all, or only a cow hitch or an overhand knot. This requires rope with high friction. According to Sensei Nawa Yumio in his 1964 classic book on Torinawa, knots on a person was regarded as extremely disgraceful, something some would regard as worse than death. Restraints with no knots were not considered "bondage" and there was no shame in such; therefore, "wrappings" were used.

A Feeling of Wonder

So what does it actually feel like to be tied in a technique that’s so infused in history, secrecy, sensuality and mysticism? The tension in the rope, controlled entirely by the rigger, becomes a link between the two of you, so being tied feels like an all-over embrace. As the cords tighten around you the rope artist actually employs Shiatsu techniques (a type of Japanese massage) on specific pressure points. The roughness of the natural fibers in hemp or jute rope gives you goose-bumps as it slowly trails across your skin.

You fall into a trance-like state of deep relaxation and euphoria known as ‘rope space’, which for me feels similar to ‘sub space’ but without the sexual charge. Flooded with endorphins, your muscles relax and your speech slurs, if you can speak at all. You submit yourself entirely to the ecstasy of being bound. And all that, just from a piece of rope in the right hands - usually without any sexual touching at all.

Safety Considerations

There are several safety issues to consider when playing bondage games, concerning consent, abuse, and physical injuries. If you don't feel safe with something then don't do it, there are hundreds of other things you can do instead.

This is NOT something to try with someone you've just met. You really don't know whether they are trustworthy or not until you know them better, however charming they may seem at first.

• Never let a partner coerce or bully you into any sexual practice that you don't want to do. It's perfectly OK to say no, a decent lover will understand.
• Talk about it beforehand and discuss what you plan to do. Say what you will or will not allow. These rules and limits are sacred and must not be broken during the game.
• Have a safe word agreed before you begin. This is something that the passive partner can say if they want the other person to stop, a common safe word is 'enough'. The active partner must then stop what they are doing immediately, and release the passive partner within seconds.
• Never tie something around someone's neck unless it is a collar that's specially made for the purpose. There is a high risk of tissue damage, choking, or fatal strangulation. Similarly, gags are potentially dangerous.
• If someone is tied up, they must never be left alone. The active partner must make sure they are comfortable, breathing properly, and that nothing is cutting off their circulation.
• Do not try bondage in a remote place, just in case there is an accident that leaves the active partner injured and the passive partner tied up with no way of getting help.
• If you've never tried bondage before, don't go straight into anything that uses complicated equipment. This is for experts only and has extra safety issues that you may not understand.
• The rules of safer sex still apply. Use condoms for penetrative sex. Drink and drugs can cause you to seriously underestimate safety risks. Avoid intoxication.

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