Have you had one of those days in which it seems that absolutely everything goes wrong? Well, join the club, because it has happened to me today!
The problem with me having one of these days is that I get so frustrated that I could seize or develop worse side effects from my epilepsy. I have very little or no patience with many things. That is one thing that I am learning, but have a long way to go. I know its not a good trait in a submissive/slave, let alone someone with epilepsy.
The first thing that went wrong is not being able to find a good, but free, offline Italian to English Dictionary that can be used on the Android platform base. After many hours of searching, I have concluded that it does not exist. Every one that I have found either require an internet connection or you have to buy them. Why not put a really good one out there for free? You would think that there would be hundreds out there because so many people are always looking for translations in the global market. Most translation freeware is completely online or uses cloud computing. Granted, its a fast, easy and probably cheaper way of doing things, but still frustrating for someone like me that likes to utilize current technology, but has no access where the classes are taking place. I have not given up searching, but have put it aside for tonight.
The other thing that made me aggravated is that apparently, someone over on Google has a jealous streak because they are following me around in groups and spamming my links. Yes, you heard me! I have had a couple of the moderators from the communities tell me they have no clue who did it, but are looking into it. They un-spam my links and all is well. But is it still frustrating.
After being frustrated with not finding the dictionary, and then finding out about the spam posts on Google, I feel as if most of my evening was wasted. I know it wasn't because I did get a lot of other stuff accomplished. But, (really huge sigh at this spot) its still frustrating.
Luckily for me, I have a very close and important person in my life that tells me to calm down, take a deep breath, and step away from the problem and look at again later. Padrone's advice is always spot on and I always take it. That's why I am here and not throwing computers or tablets out of a third story window. Just kidding! I would never do that. But, it was so tempting!
I do have a point to all this ranting. Number One, it really does no good for people to get so frustrated and worked up on something that you can't either change or acquire right then and there. Many of us, as very busy adults in today's world, are constantly in such a state and may not realize it. I know I have met or encountered many people that are what most would term an asshole. But, if you take a step back and look at that person, and ask him, what's up, he might tell you all the frustrations he has encountered that have put him in that state.
Take a deep breath and look around you. See how you affect people and how you are being affected yourself. It's not good for your mental or physical health to get so worked up. Trust me when I say I know from personal experience! I know it's really hard to take yourself out of some situations that seems to have no ending in sight. But remember, there is always an ending and a new beginning. There always will be until the sun no longer rises or sets.
My second point is that while we take life seriously, we do need to stop and appreciate our surroundings. Be thankful for who is in your life and the fact that you do wake up every day. I am. Yes, I have issues with health, frustrations in life, disappointments and hurts,but I also have a deep unconditional love for Padrone that is returned just as much. I am making new friends and learning new things. I am doing stuff that I never thought I could do. Life is an adventure and even with downs, there are so many more ups. You just have to look and you will find them.
So my point is just simple. Let the frustrations go. Don't get all worked up over stuff you have no possibility of changing. Put aside the anger and stress until another day. I know that isn't possible for all situations, but when it is, take the option. It will do you and your health a world of good.
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Being a BBW, that's the acronym for Big Beautiful Woman for those who don't know, and kinky can be challenging in a multitude of ways.
One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
- If do not carry yourself with pride, you are not showing the world and your Dominant how proud you are to be a submissive.
- If you are self-conscious during a scene or playtime, you are not being submitting to your Dominant because you should not care what you look like, but only pleasing and obeying.
- If you are always worrying about being graceful or looking silly when in some submissive position your Dominant puts you in, your mind is not in submissive mode, but elsewhere.
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
- Appreciate all that your body can do. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you — running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.
- Keep a top-ten list of things you like about yourself — things that aren’t related to how much you weight or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.
- Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
- Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you – as a whole person.
- Avoid looking at fashion magazines or catalogs that endorse emaciated women as the beauty ideal.
- Throw the scale away!!!
- Never forget You ARE Good enough!
check also this:
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I normally don't post anything from others, but felt this post from a good friend, needed sharing.
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| Depression |
By Tammie Pourner in BdsmForBeginners
Structure is incredibly useful for persons suffering with depression. Setting clear, attainable daily tasks (even if your dynamic is long distance) can do a lot to keep a depressed mood from becoming inability to get out of bed. In the worst times, it may have to be something as simple as "You must go to work 4 days out of 5 every week. You must take a shower every other day at 10:30pm." Simple, everyday tasks can be easier to tolerate if they're turned into power dynamic chores, rather than just one more thing they have to try to manage on their own. Professional programs force clients to live by strict rules about when they wake up, when they eat, when they shower, etc, and having those things become automated means that they don't have to make any decisions about it.
On the flip side of that, though, is patience. When depression is at its worst, things you don't even consider on a daily basis become arduous tasks. Deciding what to wear can feel like a herculean task, which is why so many who suffer from depression wear their pajamas for days on end. Some of these things can be incorporated into your power dynamic, but you also need to be aware that some days your sub will not be able to achieve these tasks. At that point, you should also have a boundary which, when crossed, makes professional intervention mandatory. (If they cannot hold down simple self care tasks for longer than a week, and they're not in any sort of professional therapy, this is a good start.)
Your submissive may fantasize about total power exchanges, where they're no longer responsible for the simplest of decisions in their life. This is almost always counter productive if they are actively symptomatic and/or not in treatment. You may use this to your advantage, to encourage active participation in therapeutic processes -- the more they engage their treatment, the more power you take from them. It can create some odd exchanges, like, "If you meet all of your therapists' requests this week, I will give you one day where all of your decisions will be made by Me."
Find and use non-sexual ways of establishing your power dynamic. Frequently, depression and the meds used to treat it can kill sexual desire. This does not always lessen the submissive's desire to serve. Perhaps just sitting at your feet and being stroked and comforted when things are at their most challenging helps remind them of the power dynamic without bringing sex into it at all.
Make sure you're spending time with people who aren't depressed. There is an energetic field around those suffering from depression that loves to latch onto others. Frequently, long term partners of depressives seek out therapy so they can maintain their grip on their own functionality while assisting their partner.
Make it clear to your sub that suicide threats will always be taken seriously. You are not a professional (unless you are, and then you're under different strictures) and should not try to differentiate between suicidal ideation (talking about suicide as an option) and planning to kill oneself. Once you take a stand, stick to it no matter how difficult it may be. Fifteen percent of patients with MDD will kill themselves, and many of them will show marked signs of their decision, but won't discuss it before it happens. Know the signs of suicidal tendencies and act when you feel uncomfortable, even if it's just calling your submissive's therapist and discussing your feelings with them.
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Body image.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
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| Model: Arachnia |
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
Developing a Healthy Body Image
- Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
- Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
- Exercise regularly in an enjoyable way, regardless of size.
- Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape.
- Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
- Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
- Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
Think of the three A's
- Attention: Refers to listening for and responding to internal cues (i.e., hunger, satiety, fatigue).
- Appreciation: Refers to appreciating the pleasures your body can provide.
- Acceptance: Refers to accepting what is -- instead of longing for what is not.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
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A Dominant is a person with a dominant aspect in their personality who needs and chooses to expand on that dominance through a consensual power exchange.
He may only require the power exchange in a limited capacity or may choose to exercise that dominance within a 24/7 relationship.
I want to
talk a little about new Dominants. Yes, Dominants need training also. Contrary
to popular belief by wannabe Doms, they are not born with the knowledge of a BDSM
Master. Many people that just start out read a lot about different parts of the
Lifestyle online and all of a sudden think they know everything. We all have
met these people. And we all have laughed them right off our friends list also.
Before shouting out loud to everyone what a great Dominant you are, go find a mentor that
actually has been around BDSM enough to be able to teach you. There is no shame
in a submissive teaching you either. In fact, they will probably give you lots
of insight into the inner psychology of the submissive. You should also try
some of the things on yourself to understand what it feels like.
Here is a
general guideline for new Dominants:
Be Humble. Do not strut around and shout out you are a
Dominant. You have to earn respect. It is not a given. Be careful to not let
your ego kill any chances you might have of building a relationship or getting
a new play partner.
Be Tolerant. You will meet many people on your journey who
will be completely different from yourself. Remember, no one was born with the
knowledge of how to be a dominant, and only by keeping our minds open, can we
expect to better ourselves.
Be Open. As you start to explore the wide and various
world of BDSM, you have to remain open to learning new things and not automatically
condemn something that is not to our liking.
Be Honest. Always tell the truth. Never lie to your
partner or yourself. If you don’t know something (technique or knowledge wise),
be honest and admit that. There is no shame in not knowing something. The shame
comes in when you hurt someone by performing a scene and you hurt your partner
because you didn’t have the training to do it correctly.
Study, Learn, and Study Some More. If you have chosen D/s as your
lifestyle you must also choose to forever be a student willing to learn.
Communicate. Talk about everything! It doesn't matter if
you are the type of dom who plans out every last move in a scene, one who just
wings it and does what feels right at the moment, or somewhere in-between;
discuss with your partner things you would like to do and scenes you would
enjoy, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Learn from Your Mistakes. Dominants are only human and you
will make a mistake here or there. Admit it, learn from it, and try not to make
the same error again.
Remember
that you are here to dominate the submissive. Be firm and self-assured. Know
what you want and do not apologize for wanting it. State your wants and needs
clearly and clarify it should the sub not understand. Discipline transgressions
consistently and make sure that you do what you say when you said you would.
Use your voice and hand gestures and make sure that rules are established and
that they are followed.
You need to
make sure that you are physically able to play. For this you need some
strength, fitness and agility some times. Make sure that you do not use drugs
or alcohol when you play, as you need to be completely aware of the environment
and the submissive much more so than she or he needs to be.
Have fun
though and enjoy the journey. I am sure these tips will help. These tips are
generic though and you will find them all over. Remember that wisdom
lies in the oft-repeated phrases.
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Many readers, both Dominants and submissives, send me messages asking about submissive or slave training.
They want to know if there is a "correct" way to do it. I always tell them with respect, compassion, and deep understanding of the individual person and situation.
I believe that just as every person is different, every situation is also. You have to adapt training to fit your submissive's personality, as well as your relationship and lifestyle. If your sub/slave is a brat, you will usually end up giving harsher and more frequent punishments. If they are more meek, mild correction is probably the best way so you don't destroy their confidence and help to build self-esteem, while correcting whatever behavior you do not like. There is no one size fits all.
While I can't give you a manual on how to train your slave, I can give you a general direction and tips to possibly follow.
Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.
The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.
While there are some recognized BDSM ceremonies, such as collaring ceremonies, formal presentation, etc., there are no recognized BDSM rituals. There are however a few points that dominants generally bear in mind when creating and using rituals.
They want to know if there is a "correct" way to do it. I always tell them with respect, compassion, and deep understanding of the individual person and situation.
I believe that just as every person is different, every situation is also. You have to adapt training to fit your submissive's personality, as well as your relationship and lifestyle. If your sub/slave is a brat, you will usually end up giving harsher and more frequent punishments. If they are more meek, mild correction is probably the best way so you don't destroy their confidence and help to build self-esteem, while correcting whatever behavior you do not like. There is no one size fits all.
While I can't give you a manual on how to train your slave, I can give you a general direction and tips to possibly follow.
Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.
The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.
Categories
Physical
- Physical training encompasses all areas requiring movements, positions and postures excluding for our purposes here, things sexual or pertaining to the acquisition of physical skills like dance. There are differences among dominants as to what physical training is desirable and important in the development of a submissive yet some things are commonly taught.Verbal
- At its most basic, verbal training includes how the submissive addresses his or her dominant. It has been my experience that dominants have preferences about how a submissive is permitted to address them and you may be confident that this information will be provided to you.Mental
- Training focused on the mental realm involves things like memorization, keeping a journal, improving concentration skills (i.e., meditation), acquiring new knowledge, improving problem solving skills and learning to bend the will more effectively to that of the dominant through development of greater determination to please and persistence to pursue tasks and assignments to successful conclusion.Emotional
- This is for the purpose of helping a submissive to learn to be more obedient or less willful.Sexual
- Beyond simple male-female penile-vaginal intercourse, possibilities for sexual training topics for the novice submissive include things like:- Learning to experience increased arousal
- Learning to become sexual in new ways
- Overcoming sexual blocks (e.g., mental, moral, ethical, shame)
- Erotic movement (e.g., erotic dance, striptease, pole dancing)
- Restrictions on masturbation frequency
- Orgasm control/denial
- Overcoming body shame
Discipline and Correction
- Some might see these two terms as meaning essentially the same thing. Others might wonder why punishment was not included in the title. To address the latter first, correction may involve punishment but punishment is generally punitive while correction need not be punitive at all.Rituals and Protocols
- A ritual may be defined as any formalized action or set of actions, repeated in a specific and structured way. Rituals are processed at the subconscious level, making the practice of rituals a very effective means of shaping a person's beliefs, self-image, thoughts and behavior. Thus, rituals are a key part of submissive training and a tool often used by dominants.While there are some recognized BDSM ceremonies, such as collaring ceremonies, formal presentation, etc., there are no recognized BDSM rituals. There are however a few points that dominants generally bear in mind when creating and using rituals.
- Rituals have an exactly repeatable structure, basically a script. Repeating the same thing regularly helps it become a habit that sinks deep into the self-conscious.
- Rituals should have a definite purpose, objective or goal. Whether the submissive is aware of it or not, the dominant should be.
- The most effective rituals have a direct link to specific activities or events.
- Rituals should be simple, using relatively few words and acts.
- Rituals should have a definite beginning and end.
- The number of rituals should be limited. Too many and they become difficult to remember, a burden and limit spontaneity.
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You have been drawn to the world of BDSM, but searching for one book to give you an overview of both Dominance and Submission.
This book provides you with descriptions of all roles, different BDSM relationships, commonly used terms, guidelines for roles and responsibilities, and much more. After reading this book, you should have a well rounded foundation to start your journey further into the ever changing world that is known as BDSM.
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I was asked by a reader "if BDSM was Normal or not".
Well, that depends on what your definition of 'Normal' is. Normal is defined as conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular. Normality is an idealistic state of living, of existing. Since normality varies from person to person, culture to culture, and decade to decade, any recognized standard will always be whatever practices and lifestyles the current Mainstream society decides amongst the confirmed members of each class, to be 'Normal'. You have to think, one person's morality is different from another, so that would make what you consider normal different from me or even your neighbor's version of normal.
If we view BDSM from the view point of the current world's population, then no it is not considered normal. Think about the sexual practices in the BDSM Lifestyle (Bondage, S&M, Poly, Swinging, etc...). Main stream culture usually follows some type of religious teachings (Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Buddist, etc...) that teach sex is only supposed to be used for procreation. They frown on anything outside their strict religious codes. They consider bondage or flogging abuse. But, people that practice these and other forms of sexual torture within the confines of the BDSM lifestyle, get heightened pleasure and love the bite of the whip on their back or the pinch of clamps on their nipples. Is it normal? For some yes, for others, no. Again, it depends on your perception of Normality.
Main stream western culture would also consider any type submission (in males or females) weird, or not normal, because most of the population now consider males and females equal in most settings. They ask why would one person want to give over any freedoms, allow anyone else to make any decisions for them, or submit to another person's will. They don't understand the sense of security, need of serving, and feelings of yearning to be dominated and/or owned by another individual. I don't mean in a creepy, stalker, or 1800's kind of way. For most submissives or slaves in the Lifestyle, they will tell you that they find more freedom and happiness in being owned, being given rules and regulations, having to follow certain standards and guidelines, than they do in typical or 'vanilla' relationships.
I consider a BDSM Lifestyle normal, because I chose to practice this type of Lifestyle as a 24/7 consensual slave. Whether my Padrone (Master) is with me or not, I always follow his guidelines and rules. I gain extreme satisfaction and peace of mind and spirit by the rules and guidelines he has set for me. I have a very deep sense of love and protection all the time and that gives me a happiness that is almost indescribable.
So, is BDSM normal? Yes and No. Since normality is relative, you have to decide.
Well, that depends on what your definition of 'Normal' is. Normal is defined as conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular. Normality is an idealistic state of living, of existing. Since normality varies from person to person, culture to culture, and decade to decade, any recognized standard will always be whatever practices and lifestyles the current Mainstream society decides amongst the confirmed members of each class, to be 'Normal'. You have to think, one person's morality is different from another, so that would make what you consider normal different from me or even your neighbor's version of normal.
If we view BDSM from the view point of the current world's population, then no it is not considered normal. Think about the sexual practices in the BDSM Lifestyle (Bondage, S&M, Poly, Swinging, etc...). Main stream culture usually follows some type of religious teachings (Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Buddist, etc...) that teach sex is only supposed to be used for procreation. They frown on anything outside their strict religious codes. They consider bondage or flogging abuse. But, people that practice these and other forms of sexual torture within the confines of the BDSM lifestyle, get heightened pleasure and love the bite of the whip on their back or the pinch of clamps on their nipples. Is it normal? For some yes, for others, no. Again, it depends on your perception of Normality.
Main stream western culture would also consider any type submission (in males or females) weird, or not normal, because most of the population now consider males and females equal in most settings. They ask why would one person want to give over any freedoms, allow anyone else to make any decisions for them, or submit to another person's will. They don't understand the sense of security, need of serving, and feelings of yearning to be dominated and/or owned by another individual. I don't mean in a creepy, stalker, or 1800's kind of way. For most submissives or slaves in the Lifestyle, they will tell you that they find more freedom and happiness in being owned, being given rules and regulations, having to follow certain standards and guidelines, than they do in typical or 'vanilla' relationships.
I consider a BDSM Lifestyle normal, because I chose to practice this type of Lifestyle as a 24/7 consensual slave. Whether my Padrone (Master) is with me or not, I always follow his guidelines and rules. I gain extreme satisfaction and peace of mind and spirit by the rules and guidelines he has set for me. I have a very deep sense of love and protection all the time and that gives me a happiness that is almost indescribable.
So, is BDSM normal? Yes and No. Since normality is relative, you have to decide.
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Have you ever heard the expression 'Sometimes Life gets in the way'?
I can honestly say that is a true statement. You're going along your normal routine with slight variations here and there, but pretty much the same daily routine, when all of a sudden, BAM! Here comes Life with one if its twisted little delays or side roads.
That is what the past 2 weeks have felt like for me during the construction and renovations that have been taking place. My normal, somewhat orderly world as a 24/7 slave was completely turned inside out and upside down. The noise and dust took away my concentration from my work on the internet because I had to concentrate on stuff here at home. I was unable to perform even the most basic of duties because of all the upheaval. If you have been in the lifestyle for any amount of time, you will understand how that can upset a dedicated slave and make them feel as though they were not up to par.
This is when Padrone had me take a step back and revisit some of my own lessons learned in how to cope with frustration and anger, but also to practice patience. I am not known as a very patient person.
I was busy with painting, organizing, cleaning, and trying to also perform my normal duties as well as I could. You have to remember, even though I teach and right about many different aspects in managing and maintaining a 24/7 M/s relationship, I have to sometimes step back and practice what I preach. I had to silence the negative voices in my own head. Had to remind myself that I was doing the best I could with the situation I had.
When you are in a situation that you can't control, that you have to deal with, the best thing to do is try to see the end of it and stay positive. This is not a lesson in BDSM, just a life lesson. Stay as positive as you can and keep your head up. If you are in a situation that you think a temporary change in your submissive duties would help you mentally or emotionally, then talk to your Dominant.
And remember, communication is also one of the best tools you can utilize. Talk to your Dominant about your frustrations, anger, or doubts. If it involves them, then tell them so. Never hold anything back, but always be respectful.
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The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book dedicated solely for Submissives:
- You do have rights. You have the right to walk away at any time for any reason.
- No one can keep up a 24/7 high protocol lifestyle for long without a break for of kids, family, work and other life events.
- No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priapic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.
- There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Dominance will make it go away.
- Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it.
- There are going to be times when you don't feel like having sex. It does and will happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it because it is just a part of life and does not mean you are a bad submissive.
- Living a 24/7 Lifestyle is not a myth. Living 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.
- There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. They are only human.
- No one understands your collar and its true meaning but you. Being proud to wear it everywhere is different than showing it off at the local market.
- Eventually, you're going to have to take off the slave cuffs to go to some real life appointment. Get used to it.
- People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.
- Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, if your dream Dominant turns into a frog.
- If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, and ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you not going get it.
- Just because you call yourself a slave, doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't growl at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.
- Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one.
- There are things you won't do in Real Life that you role played with online.
- BDSM is not always about sex.
- People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. If you are not careful and always aware of your surrounds, you may get hurt in a non-consensual way.
- Your Dominant is not a mind reader. You need to always be open and honest with your feelings.
- Your Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. A Master does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.
- An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.
- Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.
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I was asked advice from a reader about her Dominant not being able to let go of the past.
She said that he is still friends with, or follows, his old cyber submissives and it makes her feel as though he can not cut ties with the past completely and move forward. She has talked to him and told him how this makes her feel, and he said that she is just jealous and they mean nothing. He said he is completely committed to her and their relationship, and that others do not matter. But, the question she asked him, and that he did not answer, was why he continues, even now, when he is happy with her, to follow or be friends with them?
She went on to say that she thinks that he misses the interactions he had with them and all the attention, that maybe they gave him something or made him feel something, that she didn't. She knew he loved her, but was he craving something from one of the old subs? His answer was always No.
This was my answer. We have to remember our pasts because we can't change them. They shaped us into who we are today. We made mistakes and got stepped on and hurt, but also probably had regrets of our own. We may sometimes look back and wish we had not done some things or that we could go back and take a different path from the one we chose to walk. But we can not. So, we learn to live and let go and move on.
Some people do this by cutting ties completely with people, others feel that there is still some connection or something of interest so they may keep contact with that person, but in a different context that what had it had been before.
Other people have trouble putting some people from their past behind them, no matter how it makes their loved one feel. They seem to need to know what is going on with that person's life, because there was something left undone or unsaid, like an unfinished letter. They never got what I term as 'complete closure', with the past relationship. They may still feel something for that person and just not tell anyone else that little fact.
Whatever the reason, it is their decision and you have to come to terms with it. If your partner (sub or dom) is not hiding the fact they are still in some kind of contact with old partners, then you should not worry. It is when they lie by omission or just outright don't tell you that they still look into that ex partner's current business, via whatever social media they follow them on, that you should worry.
When two people unite and decide to start making a life together, that is when you should start your count. The past should stay in the past and never hold anything they did before you, against them. Yes, sometimes our pasts do come back to haunt us, but if that happens, you pull together and face it. Never be accusatory or go behind your partners back to check up on them.
You should have an open and honest communication and trust one another deeply enough that you know everything that is going on in his/her life. If your partner can't give you a straight answer, or you feel worse with the answer you got, talk it out. Rely on honesty and communication, without getting jealous and petty, to guide you through the conversation.
Take a step back and tell don't obsess over it. Tell yourself and teach yourself that, as long as you have your partner's care, love and heart, then there is nothing to worry about.
We as humans are always jealous of anything that might interfere or alter, in any way, the ones that we hold most dear and sacred. Paranoia and obsession with something you can't change will just make the entire situation worse.
So, my best advice, is let it go. If you find him changing, conflicting answers or stories, or something that just does not sound right, then call him on it outright and ask in a respectful way. When you hear the truth, you will know and feel it.
It also might be a case of curiosity. What I mean by that is that him keeping an eye on old subs or ex's might be to see how they have changed or to see if their 'true' personality comes out and how different they are now.
Final advice, let the past go and keep the past in the past, especially old relationships that may not make your partner happy. Second, never borrow trouble by making too big of a deal out of old flames being on a follow or friend list. Third, as long as the honesty and communication continue, the trust should still be there and the your relationship should be able to continue forward on a solid course.
She said that he is still friends with, or follows, his old cyber submissives and it makes her feel as though he can not cut ties with the past completely and move forward. She has talked to him and told him how this makes her feel, and he said that she is just jealous and they mean nothing. He said he is completely committed to her and their relationship, and that others do not matter. But, the question she asked him, and that he did not answer, was why he continues, even now, when he is happy with her, to follow or be friends with them?
She went on to say that she thinks that he misses the interactions he had with them and all the attention, that maybe they gave him something or made him feel something, that she didn't. She knew he loved her, but was he craving something from one of the old subs? His answer was always No.
This was my answer. We have to remember our pasts because we can't change them. They shaped us into who we are today. We made mistakes and got stepped on and hurt, but also probably had regrets of our own. We may sometimes look back and wish we had not done some things or that we could go back and take a different path from the one we chose to walk. But we can not. So, we learn to live and let go and move on.
Some people do this by cutting ties completely with people, others feel that there is still some connection or something of interest so they may keep contact with that person, but in a different context that what had it had been before.
Other people have trouble putting some people from their past behind them, no matter how it makes their loved one feel. They seem to need to know what is going on with that person's life, because there was something left undone or unsaid, like an unfinished letter. They never got what I term as 'complete closure', with the past relationship. They may still feel something for that person and just not tell anyone else that little fact.
Whatever the reason, it is their decision and you have to come to terms with it. If your partner (sub or dom) is not hiding the fact they are still in some kind of contact with old partners, then you should not worry. It is when they lie by omission or just outright don't tell you that they still look into that ex partner's current business, via whatever social media they follow them on, that you should worry.
When two people unite and decide to start making a life together, that is when you should start your count. The past should stay in the past and never hold anything they did before you, against them. Yes, sometimes our pasts do come back to haunt us, but if that happens, you pull together and face it. Never be accusatory or go behind your partners back to check up on them.
You should have an open and honest communication and trust one another deeply enough that you know everything that is going on in his/her life. If your partner can't give you a straight answer, or you feel worse with the answer you got, talk it out. Rely on honesty and communication, without getting jealous and petty, to guide you through the conversation.
Take a step back and tell don't obsess over it. Tell yourself and teach yourself that, as long as you have your partner's care, love and heart, then there is nothing to worry about.
We as humans are always jealous of anything that might interfere or alter, in any way, the ones that we hold most dear and sacred. Paranoia and obsession with something you can't change will just make the entire situation worse.
So, my best advice, is let it go. If you find him changing, conflicting answers or stories, or something that just does not sound right, then call him on it outright and ask in a respectful way. When you hear the truth, you will know and feel it.
It also might be a case of curiosity. What I mean by that is that him keeping an eye on old subs or ex's might be to see how they have changed or to see if their 'true' personality comes out and how different they are now.
Final advice, let the past go and keep the past in the past, especially old relationships that may not make your partner happy. Second, never borrow trouble by making too big of a deal out of old flames being on a follow or friend list. Third, as long as the honesty and communication continue, the trust should still be there and the your relationship should be able to continue forward on a solid course.
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