Michelle Fegatofi

When browsing BDSM pictures or adult toy shops, some of the costs are very high.

Since the downturn in the world economy, many families don't have the extra money to buy floggers, vibrators, fancy paddles, or bondage equipment. Below are a couple of things most people have just around the house or that can be bought for cheap that can be used as improvised play equipment.

Some of the most basic items that you can find for a BDSM toy bag include many things you can find at your local dollar store. Some of the things I recommend are clothes pins, clothes line and/or rope, scarves, rubber bands, bag clips, hair brushes, plastic rods (from mini blinds or shower rods), mixing spoons/spatulas (both wooden and plastic), candles (paraffin is best for beginners but regular candles can do in a pinch), hangers (both plastic and wire), pantyhose, paper, and pencils.

Restraints

Hand, wrist, or ankle restraints can easily be done with cords, ribbons, tape measures, belts, soft ropes, pantyhose, ties, bandanas or scarves. You can use them to tie hands or feet together or use one end to tie a hand or foot to the corner of a bed. Always make sure that there is no tingling in fingers or toes and that the one restrained is comfortable. You do not want to cut off circulation with a too tight knot. Keep a very sharp pair of scissors handy in case you have to do a emergency cut!

 

   Gags and Blindfolds

Ties and scarves can be used to blindfold or gag a submissive. They should be of a soft material so that they don't chafe. if you are more improvised ball gags, you can buy a small or medium plastic ball from the dollar store, drill a hole thru it and attach a scarf or rope to secure it around the submissives head.

   

Clamps

We have all seen the beautiful and in some cases, very creative nipple clamps that are available on the market today. But, if you are in a pinch, or don't have or want to spend the money, you can improvise and make your own.Clothes pins are great for nipple and clit clamps/torture. Chip clips can be used for nipples but are great to clamp the entire vagina lips together. Just like regular clamps, be careful with the amout of time you leave them attached. The longer you leave them, the more it will hurt when they are taken off.

Paddles

Now, there are a veritable unlimited number of items you can use that you have already, or can buy for cheap, to deliver that spanking. Here is what I can think of that just the average household would have: wooden or plastic spoons or spatulas, belts, flip flops, thin to medium sized tree branches, acrylic or thin wooden cutting boards with handles, and hair brushes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flogger

A Rubber Band Flogger is an easy project that can be done fairly quickly. It's a great toy for light flogging or for flogging sensitive areas, like genitals or nipples. All you need are some rubber bands, a needle and thread, an unsharpened pencil or dowel rod, and some tape (I like duct tape or electrician's tape). Tip: If you want a flogger to throw with more force, use a longer dowel rod.  Cut the rubber bands in half, match up the ends, and run the needle and thread through. Once you have a chain of rubber bands long enough to wrap around the end of your pencil or dowel rod, tie them on with the ends of the thread. To make this secure, wrap the end of your pencil or dowel rod with tape, and voila -- happy flogging.

An Inner-tube Flogger is a slightly more advanced project for more serious back and ass flogging. Get yourself a bike tire inner tube (unused, preferably) and a suitable length of PVC pipe for
the handle. You can dress this flogger up however you want once you make it. Slide the inner tube through the PVC pipe to about halfway and then fold the inner tube back over the outside of the PVC pipe. Carefully cut the hanging end of the inner tube with a sharp knife or scissors into strips of about 1/2" to 1" wide. This part is optional, if you want to hang your flogger on the wall. Get your drill and carefully drill two holes at the hand-end of the PVC pipe. Insert your grommets or your D-ring.



Most people believe that in order to “do BDSM correctly” they need to focus on having the latest and greatest implements and instrumentation. BDSM is more about creativity and freedom from doing and being the expected. Never be afraid to let your imagination run wild. Hallmark sign of a serious player: they can find a way to use anything in a room in a kinky way.

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Post title: " S&M Toys on a Budget "

Michelle Fegatofi

After the huge response I received from my readers about BDSM and Body Image, I wanted to expand on that and give you some extra tips you can try to help yourself or your sub gain confidence and a better acceptance of their own bodies.

After 40 years of being female, I've come to the conclusion that a healthy, positive body image is hard to find, and neither caftans nor liposuction nor photo-shopping is the answer. Feeling good in your skin has nothing to do with whether you’re a size 2 or 22; it’s all about having a positive body image.

Having a poor body image means that you view your body in a negative light. You look at yourself and see only the negative. This often occurs when people with low self-esteem only see their physical flaws, most often when they look in the mirror.

If you are into the BDSM scene, most likely you are going to be naked any number of times. The first thing you have to remember is that your Dominant loves how you look. He has taken you as his submissive. He is proud of you and who you are. Take a moment to think about that. Really absorb it.

When using a mirror, look at your body in its entirety. 

Try not to look at your body as individual parts. Don’t use a magnifying mirror when you look at your face. Look in the mirror and observe your whole body. When you do this, you might like what you see. Be at peace with your self-image by giving the mirror a rest.

Stay off the scale.

Daily fluctuations in water weight can tip the scale up to five pounds in either direction, so if you step on the scale every day, you might be tempted to micromanage yourself. If you need to monitor your weight to stay on track or maintain, set aside a weekly or bi-weekly time to step on the scale. And don’t weigh yourself the week before your period, because you’ll most likely put on two to five pounds of water weight then. If you think you can do without the scale altogether, toss it and just go by how your clothes fit and how you feel.

Throw away your ideas of “normal.”

Serena Williams and Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose BMIs are 32 and 33, respectively) are both considered “obese” according to the accepted healthy range of 18.5-24.9. But neither one is anywhere near fat. Remember that everyone is built differently, with different heights, bone densities, and amounts of muscle (which weighs more than fat) on their bodies. Just because your friend is a size 4 to 6 doesn’t mean that’s the right place for you to be.

Notice that there are all types of bodies in all shapes, sizes and skin tones. 

What you see in the media is not a representation of the human race. Appreciate the differences you see around you and appreciate your own individual looks.

Heal your body image by taking note of how you talk to yourself about your body and change it if necessary. 

Instead of, “I’m so fat and ugly, I hate myself,” tell yourself, “I have beautiful eyes and I am a good friend. The package may not be perfect, but it does need to be loved.”

Take sexy pictures that show you in your most positive light. 

Set up a camera with a self timer or ask a friend or Dominant take pictures of you with your hair and makeup done and in lingerie or skimpy clothing that all help to accentuate your body. Pick a couple of the images and put them on your cell phone or your laptop, anywhere you can access them easily. Look at them at different times during the day to reassure yourself how beautiful you are in your own skin.

I hope these extra tips and insights help all of you no matter your gender or body type love yourself more. We are all beautiful in our own way. Always remember that.

Also remember, the more confident and sexy you as a submissive feel, the more free you will be to serve your Dominant because the huge weight of self consciousnesses won't be hanging around your neck.

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Post title: " Part 2 - BDSM and Body Image "

Michelle Fegatofi

BDSM is rife with ritual and symbolism.

The triskele is probably the most common symbol or “logo” of the BDSM community. The BDSM emblem has no “obvious” symbolism because it was created to be enigmatic. To the vanilla observer who would be put off by BDSM, it is merely an attractive piece of jewelry. Thus, we can wear it freely as a friendly salute, nod, and wink to other BDSMers we should happen to pass on the sidewalks and in the hallways of our daily lives. To the insider, however, the Emblem is full of meaning.

The three divisions represent the various threesomes of BDSM. First of all, the three divisions of BDSM itself: B&D, D&S, and S&M. Secondly, the three-way creed of BDSM behavior: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Thirdly, the three divisions of our community: Tops, Bottoms, and Switches.

It is this third symbolism that gives meaning to the holes in each unit. Since BDSM is at the very least a play style and at its greatest a love style, the holes represent the incompleteness of any individual within the BDSM context. However “together” and “whole” individuals may be, there remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other. BDSM cannot be done alone.

The resemblance to a three-way variation on the Yin-Yang symbol is not accidental. As the curved outline of Yin and Yang represent the hazy border between where one ends and the other begins, so do the curved borders here represent the indistinct divisions between B&D, D&S, and S&M.


Since intense BDSM isn't happening 24 hours a day, it may be useful to use symbolism that will work as a reinforcer of the roles even when they aren't being lived out to the full extent. Examples might be the shaving of the submissive's pubic hair - as an indicator of her status towards both her Master but also her status compared to free people in general. Just like a child needs parental guidance, a slave needs guidance from her Master, thus the removal of the pubic hair works as an excellent symbol of a person with less freedom than the average adult person.

Various forms of symbolism are sometimes used to affirm the owner/slave relationship. These include the wearing the owner's collar, being registered in a slave register, adopting (sometimes legally changing to) a name chosen by the owner, or engaging in a public declaration or ritualized ceremony of some type.

Michelle Fegatofi's Slave Registration Number Certificate

 
The most widely known symbol is a collar. It’s a visible symbol of the commitment between a Dominant and his/her submissive or a Master/Mistress and his/her slave. Collars are available that can be locked around the neck, with the Dominant/Master holding the key, which emphasizes the sense of “ownership.” Other collars are more symbolic and can be worn in public: those who are in the know might recognize one, but the general population might only see such a piece as a pretty necklace, or bracelet, or ring. Whatever form they take, they are visible reminders of the bond between a Dominant and his/her submissive or slave.

My collar with the O ring attached

Same collar without O ring. My collar is worn 24/7.

Another symbolism that many couples use are Words or more specifically, names for the submissive given to them by the Dominant and calling the Dominant by a specific title like Sir or Master. I didn't want to call my Master by Master for various reasons, so found out what Owner in Italian is and boom, Padrone was born. I have called my Master by Padrone ever since. He named me and calls me his Baby or Babyslave. I can count the amount of times on one hand I have heard him use my actual name, even when we are in public.

Words and names are very important and can be a constant reminder, just like a collar, that one is a submissive/slave or a Dominant. Be careful of what you choose to call each other in public situations because you might get a few funny looks or raised eyebrows if you chose the wrong one.

There are many other symbols used in the D/s community. These can be from handkerchiefs to signify your tastes and station in life to actions you take that have far greater meaning behind them. It is my hope that I have piqued an interest within you to continue to learn about symbolism and how it can pertain to your relationship. Keep researching and learning for the knowledge will bring greater depth to your relationship. It is said that scenes are only 1% of D/s.

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Post title: " Symbolism in BDSM "

Michelle Fegatofi

I have been posting many different types of pictures lately on my FB page and some people do not think they are BDSM related.
My thoughts apparently are very different and have a much broader range on what the large umbrella of BDSM can encompass. Let me try to explain what I mean.

At the core of BDSM is Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadomasochism. When I show pictures of kneeling submissives, women or men in bondage, or being disciplined, there are never any doubts that they are BDSM related.

Now, let's think outside that very narrow box to a broader range that BDSM can envelop. See, to me, it's not just about the core principles. I see BDSM encompassing how they thinks, how a person moves, what they wear, how they speak, how they might perceive the world, what they eat, how they act around people and so forth. My goal in showing different kinds of pictures is to hopefully broaden your knowledge, but also expand your mind to think of the endless possibilities.

Slave Clothing

Movement/Dance

Service/Eating

When you see curvy models in sexy poses or in lingerie, I am posting them for two reasons. The first being to help women with the same body types see they are beautiful and to hopefully boost their confidence. A more confident submissive is sexier than a little mouse of one. I also see the lingerie pics as doubling for possible sub/slave uniforms. Many submissives have rules or guidelines that they have to wear certain sexy clothing in certain situations.

 
When you go to play parties or to dungeons, no matter what part of the world they are in, they normally have strict dress codes for what both the Dominant and submissives have to wear. This can range from leather, lace, latex, or rubber. And in some cases, nothing but a collar and slave cuffs. It all depends on what the club allows.

I have heard arguments that fetishes are separate from the realm of BDSM. Well, in my mind they are not. They are a part of the huge, vast umbrella: a subsection if you will. Here are some examples. Female Dominants usually are pictured wearing some type of leather or latex outfits. It helps not only set the scene, but to also get them in the right frame of mind to perform that scene. If you saw them in sweats, you have to admit that you would totally not be interested or in the mind frame of BDSM play. Therefore, the choice of clothing in this case falls not only into fetish wear (because a lot of people have a fetish to see women dressed as such) but also in the category of BDSM wear because without that type of outfit, the Domme would not look the part of Domme.

Now you may be asking, what do the old pin-up drawings from the 50s & 60s that I post from time to time have to do with BDSM. The answer is mostly nothing. They are just sexy and I like them, along with a lot of other people.

Just because we are dedicated to BDSM education and knowledge does not mean I will not post things from time to time that are not exactly under that umbrella. It usually will be something that is sexy or fall under the fetish category.

So, now I have explained why I post what I post and see most of what I post as BDSM related, I hope I have opened your mind to thinking of BDSM in a broader sense versus just the core principles just as my mind was opened and my thinking is now outside the box.

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Post title: " BDSM - Thinking Outside the Box "

Michelle Fegatofi

The text book definition of a submissive is a person that takes the passive, receiving, or obedient role; one who relinquishes control for a large percentage of his or her day-to-day life to a top, or who submits within a formal set of rules and rituals.


A submissive / slave is usually aware first of the wants, needs and expectations of the Dominant figure around her and not concerned as much with her own wants, needs and expectations.

A submissive explores the new world of surrendering power to another. It is not surprising that people engaged in D/s often spend a lot of energy determining what are the appropriate bounds of submission and control to incorporate into their play. For those for whom this kind of power exchange is a lifestyle expression, the scope of dominance and submission implemented may be quite extensive.

When trying to define roles, the word of slave enters into the picture. While some people insist that the word slave, like the word submissive, can mean to the individual anything they want it to mean, it is a fact of the established and more experienced leather community that slavery in an M/s sense of the word has specific connotations, and that slavery differs from submission in significant ways. I want to explore those differences here and illustrate why I believe that a submissive and a slave are two entirely different creatures, as unlike as apples and oranges.

I will offer a definition of submissive and slave first put forth by Steven Davis on the old alt.sex.bondage newsgroup on Usenet in 1995. A submissive renews the choice to submit every time a demand is levied upon her. A slave makes a one-time choice to submit, up front, and thereafter it is obligatory upon her to obey.

At the heart of submission is the choice to submit and the option to say No. The submissive decides how much authority she will cede to another, how much control she will bow to, and what aspects of her life she will surrender to the Dominant's command. Submissive power exchange is about choice: about the option to decide how one feels about a command and what one is going to do about it. At any point that the sub is not comfortable with this arrangement, it is within her rights to say "No, I'm not going to do that", and this becomes a signal to the couple that they need to renegotiate something. It does not completely derail the power dynamic between them.

A submissive that is controlled in large tracts of her life, her sexuality, work, dress, social habits, etc., may fall into a space of obedience where orders in those arenas are never mulled over. This is not counter to the definition I gave above but a special subset thereof: even for such a closely-controlled submissive, there remains some area of her life or aspect of her person where she retains autonomy, or where it is her option to decide if she wishes to submit in the moment. In short, a submissive chooses to submit and has the option in some area or another to say no to a dominant command.

How, then, does consensual slavery differ from submission? First and foremost, slavery hinges upon a commitment to obedience. The slave does not revisit issues such as "Should I submit?" or "How do I feel about that? Will I say yes or no?" When a Dominant order is issued, whether or not the slave agrees with it, she is obedient in the same manner that a soldier is who has enlisted in the Army. Secondly, in consensual slavery, a person gives themselves over to the control of another as completely as is humanly possible. This means not only a high degree of obedience, but that there is actually a chattel property context to the relationship. I’m not talking about a legal relationship, of course, but to a mutual understanding of ownership and property status that arises between the parties. While both slaves and submissives are often fondly referred to as property, in the sense of consensual slavery the slave becomes literally (by mutual agreement) the property of the Owner. It is not unheard of for slaves to be sold by an Owner and to go willingly to their new Master or Mistress.

A slave commits to obey. A no becomes a deal breaker in a way it can never be for a submissive. Thirdly, a slave cannot say No without completely rescinding the very basis of the Master / slave agreement. A No from a slave is a terminal deal-breaker in a way that it is not for a submissive. One analogy I offer is this: a submissive is like an employee in the workplace, who can protest directives and hope to resolve conflict with management (the Dominant). A slave, on the other hand, is like a soldier who, if she disobeys orders, has put herself in a position of mutiny with much more dire consequences to her relationship to the military (the Owner) than if she were a civilian disputing a less-controlling authority. The military cannot function if command authority is questioned, and neither can a Master / slave relationship.

Earlier I said, "The submissive decides how much authority she will cede to another, how much control she will bow to, and what aspects of her life she will surrender to the Dominant's command.". Slavery differs in this regard: these decisions are not made by the slave, but by the Owner for the slave, after the general commitment to obedience is in place.

If a Dominant is asking you to do things that are against the law or your own moral values, then he or she is not a true Dominant and you should really think if you want to continue that relationship.

Communication, Respect, Honor, Trust, Honesty, and Consistency need to play a predominant role in your daily life. As you continue your journey, you'll find these words are, or should be, entwined into everything you do or encounter. Without these words and adherence to what they represent, a true Dominant / submissive relationship will be doomed to an early failure. Four of these terms, Honor, Respect, Communication and Trust also form the basic building blocks or foundation of any Dominant / submissive (D/s) or Master/slave (M/s) relationship.

As a submissive or slave, you may not find yourself in control of many situations, but the one situation you are always in control of is how much you learn about this Lifestyle before venturing into it, and how much you continue to learn to improve yourself and your abilities to please your Master or Dominant. There are many avenues open to you to explore your submissiveness and to seek more knowledge of the BDSM lifestyle. Reading articles, books, and internet sites can often prepare you for many of the things you have not discovered, as well as lead you to different thoughts about the Lifestyle.

Remember, all Dominants will push your limits and push the boundaries, but never take you so far over the edge that it will scar you physically or mentally. True Dominants know how and when to push the limits of their sub / slave, but also know when the sub / slave needs a softer touch. That is one of the marks of a true and caring Dom.

The main thing is to remember what being a submissive is about. That it is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person, a Dominant. It is allowing yourself to feel freedom by being taken in hand. It is about knowing, understanding, caring, and feeling things you cannot feel if you do not submit your entire self to that Dominant. It is essentially being allowed to fly, to blossom and grow, to know true freedom by being consensually enslaved.

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Post title: " What Is a Submissive? "

Michelle Fegatofi

The following is an excerpt from the book The Submissive Guide I am currently working on: 

There are many levels and versions of submission.

One way to ensure a good BDSM relationship is to be up front in what you want during play time, personal service and sexual service. State what your desires and needs are and there will be a lot less mistakes. Dominants are not mind readers. Be clear on your limits. Some submissives only submit in sexual scenes and not in the rest of their lives, while others give over their entire life to a Dominant. Some subs only want to be servant subs with no sexual acts ever taking place.

The following list isn't intended as a rigid classification. Most submissives don't fall neatly into one category. There are still further shades in between. I have listed what I term as the most common types of submissives.

The Conceptual Submissive:

   

This submissive is one that learns everything they know about submission from romance or erotica books and the internet. This submissive will normally only become an online sub or slave and try to administer advice to others with no real experience or concept of what BDSM is. They usually live a vanilla life outside of the cyber world. 

The Mental Submissive: 

 

The mental submissive begins his or her submission in their mind. This person is submissive in and out of the bedroom. They generally have a need to submit or surrender to a Dominant. The act of submission is all mental but can also consist of physical. S/he can give as much or as little as they wish to or need to give. The surrendering is the power exchange. Once the surrender occurs, they can become an empty vessel for the Dominants to mold in whatever image they wish. Love is not required, as this is a mental submission. 

The Romantic Submissive:

 

This type of submissive wishes to surrender everything, without becoming a slave. In comparison with the mental submissive, a romantic submissive craves the love of the Dominant they submit to. The act of submission is full of emotion and love. They give all they have for the return of love and trust from the Dominant they serve. 

The Bedroom Submissive: 

 

This type of submissive is Vanilla in every facet of their life or even Dominant, but when the bedroom door shuts, the roles drop and they submit to the Dominant. The bedroom is where the power exchange happens and stays. This submission is almost always sexual in nature. In the bedroom, the act of submission is complete. But, when the bedroom door is open, the bedroom submissive returns to the vanilla world or role.

The Servant:

   

This type of submissive is only interested in serving a Dominant. This submissive typically does not include sexual activities. They run errands, clean the home, run a Dominant's calendar or arrange meetings for the Dominant. This type of submissive satisfies their submissive needs by doing things for other people. This is a very special type of submissive. 

The Sex Slave:

 

This submissive is in this Lifestyle for sex, with one person, many people, or in any way that can be imagined. This person rarely has any limits when it comes to sex and will allow a Dominant to use pain as a method of arousal and release, with little or no cautions. This submissive cannot imagine any punishment worse than being locked in a chastity device or not given permission to masturbate or have sexual release. 

The Slave: 

 

Unlike a submissive, a slave must surrender completely and be completely controlled by a Master. The slave must feel completely owned. They can become a different person when a Master trains them to serve Him/Her in whatever way they prefer. When Master is happy, the slave is happy. They feel most complete when with a Master. The slave beams when s/he brings Master pleasure.

The SAMs (Smart Ass Masochists): 

 

These are 'Smart Ass Masochists'. They deliberately misbehave all the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. 

The Attention Seeker: 

 

These types of submissives are the ones that always do things to seek attention from other submissives and Dominants alike. They post status updates on web sites that try to make you feel sorry for them, post lots of pictures of themselves in various states of undress, not because they are proud of their bodies but from the need to receive good comments to make validate their efforts, and are generally very whiney. These kinds of submissives are mostly found in cyberspace and are generally frowned on by real life BDSM practitioners. 

The UBER (Alpha) Submissive:

 

This person believes they are the ultimate, uber submissive. They think no one can come close to their knowledge, level of submissiveness, or training in protocol. They believe they are a step above all other subs and slaves. These people are generally not real submissives. They tend to read books and articles about the Lifestyle, may even submit to a Dom, but generally have no experience and don’t know what to do with book knowledge in real situations. They also do not have the need to submit internally and only want to do it for the experience. 

Now, these are the different types of subs/slaves that I use to categorize. Don't forget that you may not fall into just one area, but several.
You also may not agree with my descriptions. But hopefully, this will give you a broader understanding of the different levels of submission and the many forms it can come in.

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Post title: " What Type of Submissive are You? "