Michelle Fegatofi

Hello to all of our followers! We are happy and very proud to announce that we're in the process of moving all of our older posts over to our new website www.michellefegatofi.org .  I have to mention up front that it's totally free! I will never ask that you pay for a membership to read my blogs.

This past year has been a literal life transformation for both Padrone and I. We have had many health scares and decided to change our diet and exercise regimen. We concentrated mainly on our health and our dynamic this year and kind of lost touch with our online followers. We've both lost a lot of weight and are much healthier now.

After much thought, we decided that it would be better to combine all of my blogs into one space to make it easier for people to reach and maybe even discover something new to learn about.

Our new site will have all of our BDSM posts (as well as new ones coming soon), but it also my posts on my journey to living a healthier lifestyle, my battles with epilepsy, and a column that I've called 'Life in General'.

While it is up and running and there are many posts that from both of my blogs that have been ported over, I still have a lot of work to do so please be patient! In the meantime, why not go and have a look around?

I encourage you to subscribe at the bottom of the page so that you will get updates directly when I post a new blog.

Here's a direct link to the BDSMUnveiled Section:

https://www.michellefegatofi.org/home/categories/bdsm-lifestyle-nsfw

Thank you for your continued support and we hope to see you on our new site!

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Michelle Fegatofi

I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.

After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.

I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.

He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.

My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.

He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.

The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.

I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out

Needless to say, my soon-to-be (hopefully) ex-Husband has done many things to me in attempts to torment and torture me any way he could. He has kept me from speaking to my kids out of revenge. He blocked my numbers and messages from their phones and then denies it. When asked, my boys thought I had given up on talking to them. But on the rare occasions I do get to connect to them, I reiterate many times how much I love them and want to stay in touch with them as much as possible.

As of this post, January 2017, I have been waiting 5 years and 5 months for a divorce and have not received one yet, despite constant pleadings and promises of filing. He never filed and I am beginning to wonder if he ever will. I think that he is holding out giving me the divorce because it is the only thing he can control besides access to my kids. He is such a narcissist that he really does think he should have control over every aspect of people he comes into contact with.

I am very happy with my life here in Italy with Padrone and know that we have many more years of bliss together as we keep exploring the different aspects of our dynamic and life itself.


Find happiness when and where you can, but also be prepared for all the implications and ramifications your happiness may cost others as you forge your own way through life.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I was sitting in the hotel, just working as usual on the internet, when a thought hit me all of a sudden.
I was wearing a sleeveless dress and had not even given it a second thought! This was staggering!

See, before this year, I was extremely self conscience about my upper arms being flabby and not the perfectly shaped muscles you see portrayed in pictures and movies that every other woman seems to have, except me.

I didn't have the confidence in myself to be comfortable in my own skin. It took me 43 years to get there, but I finally have arrived. I love my shape and I love my body just as it is. It's the only one I will ever get! I finally learned to stop caring what other people thought of my body and what I put on it. I have 2 tattoos, fat rolls, stretch marks, scars, flabby arms and thighs. I love every part of me because I earned those imperfections. They are badges of honor for the life I have lead so far.

I also realized that me not taking pride in myself, in my body, was in a way, disrespecting my Padrone. Padrone loves my body as it is. He has always encouraged me to wear things that fit my shape and show it off versus covering it all up in large, shapeless clothes. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how proud he is to show me off when we are out and about. I grew up thinking if you were larger than a size 8, you had to wear really big clothes to disguise your shape. That's just what people did. As I got older and got involved in unhealthy relationships as an adult, I continued thinking being fat and showing off my shape was a sin. Now, I know better!


Being a BDSM submissive slave has so many facets to it. For me, it's a mindset, a lifestyle, and an overall philosophy. Taking pride in myself, my actions and my body is taking pride in my submission. How? It means that I know I am worthy of all the attention my Padrone gives to me. I am worthy of his love and guidance. I am worthy of everything he gives me.

When I didn't show confidence in my body, how could I be confident in my submission? If I don't like myself, like everything about me, that is just like me telling Padrone he is wrong about what he thinks about me. If he likes my body as it is but I don't, that is not submitting to him completely. As a slave, I have surrendered my entire self to him willingly and consensually. When I agreed to become his slave, I agreed that his word was always final. He loves me as I am but I didn't, so I was violating  my submission to him.

As a submissive, you take pride in how you serve your Dominant. You follow their directions, perform tasks, follow their rules and protocols. You take pride in your abilities and love learning new ways and forms of submission. If you are not confident in yourself, it will affect your submission. There are things that your Dominant will ask you and if you aren't confident in yourself and your abilities, you will feel like you are being pushed past your limits and might shut down or strike out at your dominant.

If you don't feel confident in yourself, figure out why. If it's how you look or how you act, work on changing or accepting it. You cannot fully understand submission and give yourself over to someone else's care unless you fully understand and accept yourself.

Take a few moments each day, whether it is the first thing or the last thing you do to start building that confidence in yourself that you deserve to feel. Own your body. Own your mind. Own your surroundings.


How can someone else 'own you' if you never knew what it means to 'own yourself'?

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Michelle Fegatofi

Over the past week, I've read several posts on different websites about submissives feeling like they have lost their own sense of self because of the amount of effort, energy, time, and emotions they are investing in their relationship with their Dominant. They feel like they are doing everything for their dominants and not keeping their core selfs intact.

Being a submissive should make you feel positive things, not negative. You should feel loved not alone, found not lost, protected not exposed. Yes, as with any relationship, there will be times that you are in disagreement with your dominant partner and there will be times when you may question your submission. But for the most part, you should want and feel the need to serve your Dominant.

I am fortunate in that I literally spend 24/7 with my Padrone. He takes me everywhere. I go to work with him 6 nights a week and we are usually in the same room together. Now, some might find this stifling or co-dependant behavior, but for us, it's just our normal. There are times when I spend an hour or so in a different room during the day on the rare occasions I'm awake during a time to enjoy a bit of sun. Or, I might take the dogs for a walk but am never gone for more than 30 minutes.

I never feel like I don't have my own identity or that by serving Padrone, with all of the things I do, that I am to caught up in him. He never says anything about what I read or watch on TV. He always encourages me to do what makes me happy and not to stress about things. He has things he enjoys reading and studying on the internet that I have no interest in and I read genres of books that he raises his eyebrows at. But again, we know we are two very different people but we mesh together in a way that is poetic.

For those that are feeling that you have lost your sense of self or own individual identity outside submission, ask yourself why? What is making you feel this way? How long have you felt this? Is it a  bad phase that you are passing through or are there valid reasons? Does your dominant push his point of view onto yours and disregard your feelings? Does your Dom isolate you from family and friends?

You have to sit down and think about your life as a whole, including friends, family, coworkers as well as your dominant. Remember how it was before you met and started submitting to your Dom and how it has changed afterwards.

Pinpoint the differences and write them down. This is what you will need to use to find the balance that you feel you're missing. You have to have balance while submitting to your dominant but also keeping your inner self happy.

My submission and the decision I made to become Padrone's consensual slave didn't change my identity, but just made me feel as if I had finally found my place in life and the one that I was born to be with. My life has changed drastically from before I met him to now, but my core personality, my sense of self has not changed. If you are with the right person, the right partner, they will not try to change your core values and personality.

Did you give up activities that you really enjoy doing after you submitted? Are you not getting enough 'you time'? Even if you feel the pull to give your entire life over to your dominant to direct as they see fit, you and your Dom have to realize that you both have to have some activities that you like to pursue by yourself. You have to have downtime where you are allowed to think about yourself and pursue your own interests without the interference or obligations of submission.

After you evaluate your life, think of changes you would like to make or introduce into your relationship with your dominant. Most dominants will understand and accept the changes because their number one priority is to ensure the happiness and health of their sub.

Being a submissive or slave to a Dominant should be a joyous event and never seen as negative. Even though you may be the submissive in the relationship, you have to remember to communicate openly and honestly to your dominant about your feelings, whether they are good or bad. Dominants are not mind readers, despite how they may come across. Let them know everything you feel and together, you can work towards a solution that will benefit you both.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Two and a half years ago, Padrone and I got home from work around 6:30 in the morning as usual. We changed clothes, ate, and were relaxing in bed watching TV by 7:15 am. Around 8 am, Padrone said he had a headache. About 10 minutes later, he started complaining of chest pains, leg pains, and being extremely hot. His heart started beating faster also. I told him to call the ambulance.

Now, I'm an American that doesn't speak Italian very well. I didn't know the emergency numbers nor do we have any close friends that we could call for help. 

Luckily, Padrone was calm and lucid enough to call for the ambulance and to tell me to go wait for them outside and bring them up. They arrived with lights flashing and sirens blaring. I have to tell you that I was scared and didn't understand anything they were saying. I had to make myself stay calm and wait for Padrone's instructions. He informed me that his blood pressure was very high and they had to take him to the hospital. He told the EMT's that I didn't speak Italian and asked for them to allow me to ride in the ambulance with him because he knew I had to be with him. 

When we arrived they showed me to a waiting room and said "Stay" and left. I was waiting there for about 45 minutes when a nurse came and led me back to where they had Padrone hooked up to all these machines. Normally they didn't allow any family in the Emergency rooms with the patients but made an exception for me since Padrone told them about my epilepsy and how stress will trigger a bad seizure. He hoped by seeing him that it would keep me calm enough that I wouldn't seize. It worked. I didn't seize. I got to see him and see the meds they were giving him were making him better. At that time, we didn't know exactly what the problem was or if there were other underlying problems that made his blood pressure sky rocket since he never had a history of health problems. 

Even though he was sick, he was thinking of me and wanted to protect me from being too stressed about the situation. He asked me to call his employer and let them know what was going on and then told me to stay as calm as I could because everything was going to be fine. 

Padrone ended up staying in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights, of which I stayed with him the entire time. When we came home, I was still ok. I had not seized and had done everything asked of me. About 24 hours later, I had a massive seizure. Padrone and I both had been expecting it. It was just a matter of time of when it would hit, after dealing with so many days of a high stress situation.

Life got back to normal and two and a half years passed with no more health scares from Padrone. Then one morning, for no apparent reason about a month ago, Padrone had another high blood pressure attack. He called the ambulance and I started preparing things to go to the hospital just in case. I let the EMTs in and lead them to the apartment. I stayed calm the entire time and did as instructed. Luckily, Padrone's blood pressure wasn't so high that he needed to be hospitalized again. They gave him a shot and his pressure returned to a normal range within five minutes.

I dealt with the situation in a very calm manner and honestly wasn't expecting to have a seizure. I didn't feel one on the horizon. Padrone knew it was coming though. About 24 hours later, after I was confident that he was ok, it struck. Luckily it was only a medium seizure and not a very bad one.

Now things are back to normal and life is moving forward. I learned a few lessons from the two incidents.

1. Remain calm. If you get hysterical or stressed out, you won't be able to function or help your Dominant in their time of need. 
2. Have a plan in place! Make sure you have numbers either written down or in your phone of contacts you need to notify of the situation. (Friends, Relatives, Employer)
3. Don't allow your nervousness to be picked up by your dominant. They need to remain calm and to be assured that you are ok. They know you are worried but they need to know you can take care of yourself during this medical crisis. 
4. Allow yourself some breathing room when the main crisis is over. You need to come down from the adrenaline, excitement, and worry that has driven you for however long. You have to force it out. 
5. Don't dwell on the 'what ifs'. You cannot allow yourself to play that game. If you do, you will just make your own stress levels worse and possibly make yourself sick. 
6. If you live in a foreign country not of your birth, make sure you know the numbers to call in case of emergency!

There are so many different levels of submission and every sub has his or her own strength of character. We always rely so much on our dominants to help us daily deal with life, support us, give us strength and guidance. Most of us lean very heavily on them. It's sometimes hard going from them being the core of our strength to us having to become strong for them. But, when you love someone, when you want to take care of them and stand by them no matter the circumstances, you do whatever it takes. 

I hope you never experience a medical emergency involving your Dominant, but if you do, have a plan in place to make sure you can deal with it without having to think to much. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

2015 has gone by so fast. I remember starting the year with optimism, trying to approach my blog, the community and life with a fresh pair of eyes. I really felt a renewed energy not only in my connections to the Lifestyle, but also in life in general.

Now, here we are, right on the brink of starting another new year. I look back with some disappointments in things I didn’t achieve but also happy with the accomplishments that did happen.

Within the community as a collective whole, I’ve seen the usual new BDSM pages pop up, seen many close down, seen people come and go, and noted that many pages/people were still on a steady growth.

In April and May, our personal lives were in transition as we were hunting for a new place to live and finally found it and moved on June 1st. The entire process of packing, scheduling, unpacking and working during this entire time was very stressful but we made it through. My focus was completely not on writing, but just getting Padrone and myself back into a routine and making the new apartment home.

In 2014 and the early half of 2015, people were still coming in droves, declaring themselves a dom/master/sub/slave without having a clue what those titles really meant, and diving head first into what they called a TPE, only to have a new partner a month later because the old one hadn’t worked out. In August, I noticed the amount of new online BDSM people asking to be admitted to groups and pages decreasing in huge numbers. I think the affect that the 50 Shades books/movies had on the vanilla world finally ran it’s course.

I published a new book on Contracts and continued to mentor and answer questions when people asked me about the Lifestyle. My priorities changed at towards the end of the year from BDSM education to a new venture that is still in the early stages of development. I’m trying my hand at writing a trilogy of Sci-fi based fiction books. I’m not sure how long it will take to write even the first one, but it is an exciting new project I have on the horizon.

My first BDSM educational book, BDSM Basics for Beginners, is going to be translated and distributed in the Czech Republic by the end of 2016. They are even thinking of translating it into a few other languages.

The year for us was one of transitions, new beginnings, branching out in new directions, but always doing it together as a couple. Padrone has supported, guided and advised me on everything. I can say without a doubt that we have grown even closer in this past year.

Many couples that live a BDSM D/s or M/s lifestyle don’t think you can actually work together as a team. They see the Dominant as the only source of decision making. I respect those couples, but we are living proof that you can have an M/s relationship but also work as a team in certain arenas.

I have addressed this topic before and I will once again. The year ended on a bad note with the arrest of Mike Makai and one of his girlfriends. If you haven’t read the story, you can find it all over the internet. I won’t repost all the charges here.

After his past as a registered sex offender came to light and his newest arrest, I received many emails asking how this could happen. How could someone that had his background become a self proclaimed expert in the BDSM Lifestyle? What did everyone miss? How did he fool the entire community?

There are always going to be con men out in the world, especially on the internet. There are always going to be people that tell you what you want to hear, invent a whole new persona, just to get what they want. Most of them do it to gain your trust so they can get whatever their endgame is.

To protect yourself, you can research a person very thoroughly and still may not come up with their true identity. Listen to what your instincts are telling you. If you get the impression that something is off with a person, then listen to it. Take all the normal precautions you would when talking to strangers on the internet. Never give them your real phone number, home address, or financial information. If you ever are going to meet them in person after you feel secure enough, make sure it’s in a very well populated public place and you have someone with you that can help keep an eye out. Never allow the person to follow you home until you are absolutely sure about their identity and intentions.

As far as Makai, he covered his tracks very well and there were no references that could be found to connect him to his real name. There will be others that come along and fool us in the community. His indiscretions and bad decisions have given a new stigma to our community. We have to pick up and move forward. He really didn’t live what he taught.

With this black mark against our community, we are going to have to work extra hard as a community to try to recover our credibility. We are going to have to come together as a community and support each other when the backlash hits, as no doubt a huge wave will hit the Lifestyle as the details and trial of Makai come in the beginning of 2016.

I’m personally not going to make any New Year’s resolutions. I’m just going to concentrate on my own life and the relationships I’ve built over the years. I’m going to do my best to make the world around me beautiful and as free of stress as possible. I am making a promise to enjoy every day that dawns and every night that the moon rises. I want to enjoy life and not stress about my weight, looks or age. I want to enjoy my ever changing and growing relationship with my Padrone.

I urge you all to do the same thing. Enjoy your life as best as you can. Try not to allow the every day small stuff get under your skin and make your stress levels rise.

Simply love your life. Grow your knowledge. Make changes that make you happy. Just try your best to be happy.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Today's questions span a variety of subjects, from 'what a Dominant is' to 'how to find a mentor'.

Be sure to read the links that I have listed after each question to become more informed about each of today's topics.

Question #1) "Many people go to school to get Certificates in various fields. After all when you receive a service you want some documentation that the person offering the service knows what he or she is doing. What makes a Master a Master? When someone says they are a professional Dominant what makes that so? Is it their number of years in the Lifestyle, what were they doing all of those years to develop skills as a Dominant or to maintain their skills. Just because a person has dominant tendencies what allows him to call himself a Master?"

This is a question that could be answered in many ways, depending on who you ask. First, let's address what exactly a Professional Dominant is. These are people who are Dominants for hire. They dominate people, have sessions with them, for a price. You usually see more women (Mistresses) than men in these types of roles.

Now, to address the difference between a Dominant and a Master. A dominant is a person that is in a role of authority over another person. This is a person that has a naturally dominant character. A dominant can be a male or female. They normally do not do it for money. They consider themselves Dominants instead of a Master because they have submissives and not slaves. They usually only dominate in the bedroom or certain parts of a sub's life, but not in every part of a sub's life.

A Master is someone that usually has years of experience and knowledge in the lifestyle. They have a submissive that is usually submissive 24/7 and many times consider the submissive to be a slave. They know their slave so deeply that many times they anticipate the needs of the slave without any words being said.

Many times, people can and will interchange the terms Dominant and Master. New people with no experience will call themselves Master just because they think they deserve the title. In my humble opinion, someone can't be a Master without ever having owned a slave, just as a submissive

can't be a slave without ever having been owned and served a Master.

For further reading on related subjects:

Master Taino's BDSM Philosophy

Submissive vs Slave

What Type of Submissive are You

Titles and Classifications in BDSM

Question #2) "My life all the time was one vanilla. Now since year and a half ago, I met a man and I fell in love with him. We spend time daily talking and talking. And he said that he wants to collar me and start training me. One of the hardest things (for me) is the he wants to own a slave, me. 

Honestly I don't like the idea and it makes me feel sick. I can't see him with another woman and I can't imagine being with another woman touching or licking for real. But he desire that with me. We have a huge disagreement that day. The next day I told him that I used to masturbating me thinking on something like that and I said him that maybe I can do it for real... for him not for me.
Honestly I don't think I will feel happy with that .. and I don't know what to do, every time he said something about that I turn angry and upset. I need some kind of light in this moment. I will appreciate every word that you for me, all this Master/slave is so new for me and many things catch my attention a lot but this ones is hurting me a lot."

First, never do anything that you do not want to do. BDSM is all about Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If he demands you do something that is against your will, say no and walk away. Being a slave in BDSM is a complete consensual thing. It is solely the choice of the submissive to give their submission to a dominant. It does not mean that you really are owned like property. If you aren't comfortable with being a slave but you are intrigued by becoming a submissive, try that first. I strongly encourage you to read everything you can find about BDSM in general and concentrate on the role of a submissive. 

I recommend you read these websites in depth to learn more about the BDSM lifestyle:

www.bdsmunveiled.com

www.submissiveguide.com

Question #3) "How does one find a mentor and what exactly are the duties of a mentor?"

There are many ways to find a mentor in BDSM. Becoming friends online with someone that is known and has been involved in the Lifestyle for a long time. Also, going to munches and making friends might help you find a mentor.

In my opinion, a mentor is someone that will answer questions and concerns that you have and help guide you, but not lead you as a dom leads a sub. A good mentor will give you options to a problem and step back to allow you to choose the path you want to take. They will help you navigate the lifestyle but will not put you on a path. 

Here are some helpful links for further reading:

Submissive Guide Four Things to Look for in a Mentor

The Role of a Mentor

I hope the questions above have helped broaden your knowledge in different BDSM topics. If you have a question you want me to address, email us at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

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Michelle Fegatofi

This week I received many different types of emails asking various questions related to the BDSM Lifestyle.

Below are a group of questions that are somewhat related in topic, so these are the ones that I've chosen to share with you this week.

Question #1) "Many Submissives find themselves without dominants for one reason or another (release, death, or simply not clicking with any Dominant, etc.). How do you nurture your submission when there is no one to submit to?"

Many submissives are in this situation, especially those new to BDSM. While in-between relationships or waiting to connect with your first Dominant, you should always try to educate yourself more by reading books and websites about the Lifestyle, but mainly about the different types and ways to submit. You can gain a solid base knowledge of what BDSM offers and ensure that you have a very good grasp of your own expectations.

You can practice different submissive positions and become fluid and graceful in transitioning between them. You can ensure that you you have your limits list completed and that you understand all,of your limit. To feel closer to other submissives or just to be around the Lifestyle more, visit online submissive groups or go to munches in your area.

While these do not replace or fulfill the need to serve a Dominant in a submissive way, staying educated and furthering that knowledge can help you feel more connected to the BDSM community, as well as helping you attain a better overall understanding of what your own place in the Lifestyle may be.

For further reading on this topic:
Submissive or Slave Training


Question #2) "Now that the JDI Dating site has been found to be creating profiles in order to get people to buy premium introduction packages, what can Submissives do to keep themselves from being victims of fake profiles on BDSM sites?"

While I wish I had a revolutionary answer for this, I fall back to common sense and the old saying 'if it's too good to be true, it usually is'. The main pitfalls to watch out for are obvious ones such as a person not willing to give you their real name or show you a real picture of themselves. If their profile boasts about having many years of experience and having been with many submissives, ask yourself why they kept changing submissives? If they boast about or show pictures of things that cost a lot of money, be skeptical. True dominants never show off or boast about financial matters.

If the dominant gives you the feeling that they really don't have a clue as to what they are talking about compared to the experience they say they have, that is a huge red flag. If a person demands you call them Master or anything other than their name when you first meet them, that's another red flag! Titles and respect are earned over time, never demanded.

I know of a few people that have portrayed themselves very convincingly as dominants and was able to hide their true nature or identities online from some very smart women. But, in the end, the 'dom' slipped up and the submissive found out exactly what they were about.

Use your instincts and be as careful and observant as possible, but don't be paranoid. While there are many fake people and profiles online, there are just as many real ones out there waiting to connect.

For further information:

Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
Predators are Everywhere

Question #3) "Why is it that when I am to the point that I am strong enough to carry on without him he sends me a message (I miss you) and drags me back in? Why does it hurt so much trying to get through the day without hearing from him? I have been reading a lot about fake and wanna be DD's and I really feel like this is what he is but I love and care for him so much that it doesn't matter to me. Am I putting myself in danger still wanting a D/s relationship with him?"

I think you are infatuated with this man and and will put up with almost anything from him just to hang on to a relationship in order to not be alone. Many women have an intense fear of being alone or growing older without a partner. You know the type of relationship you want and deserve. You should not compromise 75% of your expectations just to stay with someone that isn't worth all the effort you are putting forth. As far as being hurt, I don't see any other outcome from what you have told me. I see emotional and mental anguish during the course of the relationship and much more at the end.    

I would advise you to end the relationship, block all contact with him and move forward. It's scary and hard, but I think it would be in your best interest.

If you have any questions that you would like me to answer, send them to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Hello and happy Tuesday everyone! It's time again for Talk Tuesday!

I've picked two very interesting questions once again that I think will help further your own journeys into the BDSM Lifestyle.

Question #1) "How long after beginning a dialogue with someone on line (dating sites or Facebook) should you meet in person? I have had a few online inquiries who want to meet but I am always reluctant because most do not use their own name nor when asked do they provide much information about themselves. They also do not ask questions of me that make me feel that they want to get to know me. In fact, I feel hat they only want to meet to judge sexual attraction. What do you think?"

I believe in safety first. If you meet someone online, you should get to know the real them before meeting them in person. If someone refuses to show you a picture of their real face or tell you their real name, there is probably much more they are hiding. I'm not saying everyone is like that, but if someone likes you enough online that they want to meet in person, there should be no problem with telling you their real name, phone number, and the type of car they drive.

As far as time, it all depends on individual people. If you meet someone and you just connect, you know some of the same online people that can verify the character and real identity of the person, then maybe all you need is a month. For others, they are much slower and more cautious and meet years after first speaking online together.

Above all, follow you instincts. Make sure if you have any reservations at all, that you don't meet the person before you are comfortable. Always make sure you leave the meeting place, person's name and telephone number, and any other relevant information with a friend just in case.

Here are some links for more information on this subject:

First Meetings: Cyber to Real Life
Predators are Everywhere: Beware
A Tale of Caution for Cyber BDSM

Question #2) "OK I'm a male and in the bedroom I'm a sub and my partner is my mistress/wife. We like strap-on play gags whips ect. But biggest thing we like to do is I wear lingerie like bra, panties, stockings, garter but thats all no makeup, heels or anything further than that. But I guess the kicker is that I wear women's panties outside the bedroom 24/7 I love them they are more comfortable than boxers I won't ever go back. Anyways wearing panties outside the bedroom do I have a different sexual status I guess it would be called straight/bisexual ect. I'm a straight man though I do like receiving anal play from a form of strap-on tried reading up on it can't find anything on it, other than men wearing panties is becoming more popular."

You would probably amazed at how many straight men I have met or heard from with similar situations. They have no sexual interest in other men, have no interest in cross dressing or wanting to becomes a transgender. They are confused as to why they like having a strap-on used by a female to receive anal play. They dress in women's lingerie for they pleasure it brings them to follow the requests of their female partners. And many of them love the humiliation that can come from that. What they don't know is that they are male submissives and some are also masochists. I think in the bedroom you are a masochistic submissive.

Although it is definitely a different path from what society considers 'normal', don't stress about it. If you and your partner are comfortable and happy, then keep doing what you're doing.

Helpful links for more information:

Men wearing Women's Underwear Fetish
Underwear Fetishism

Remember that you can send me your questions anytime by emailing me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com! Come back next Tuesday for another round of BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday!

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Michelle Fegatofi

Today is the first in what I hope will become a weekly occurrence of me answering great questions submitted to me by readers from around the globe. Below there are a variety of topics discussed as well as some links to more in-depth reading. 

Question #1) "I call myself a babygirl/sub with a few slave traits. Babygirl=because I want to be protected and treated like a princesses, sub=because I want to please him and slave=because I have this need to serve him sexually and domestic. Am I classifying myself properly?"

                                       

Classifications are simply titles that we, as humans, need so that we may better explain to ourselves and others what we are, what we represent, or simply to feel more comfortable. Every sub wants to be protected by her Dom. That is a common trait among most subs. Now, 'being treated like a princess' is not what I would consider a submissive trait. We all want to be treated with love and respect by our partners and should expect a certain level of treatment, but not expect princess or queen treatment. To me, that is something that is more reserved for a dominant female. A baby girl usually wants a softer dominant with more lenient rules. As far as the differences between sub and slave, it varies from person to person. The needs you describe are all submissive traits. A slave is one that wants all decisions made for her. She craves rules, structure, and the peace of mind that comes with not having the responsibilities of decision making in most things pertaining to daily life. Both submissives and slaves want to serve their dominants in various ways. Decide if you want a relationship where most of, if not your entire life has decision made for you? If the answer is no, then you are not a slave but a submissive with a deep desire to serve her Dominant. As far as classifications, don't get too hung up on them because every person has their own variation of what a sub/slave/bg is. Just find one that you are satisfied with and go with it.

For more information, visit the following links:

Submissive vs Slave

Titles and Classifications

What Type of Submissive are You?

Question #2) "The Daddy Dom I was with for almost a year was wonderful, kind and loving. About 6 months into the LDR he started to change. He had 2 deaths in the family within a month of each other (one was his mother). He stopped tasking me saying that I wasn't doing as he wanted and that he was getting tired of having to revisit the same subjects over and over again because I "couldn't get them right" and talked about what a sucky sub I was and that I would be a better online sub because I could fake it better. I know deep down what I am, I know the needs and the cravings I have to submit. My question is if I feel it so strong why is it that I was having so much trouble learning and retaining the information he was trying to teach me?" 

First, I need to know how you were in the beginning when he was kinder? Where you able to learn and adapt to his ways and the things he was teaching you? Where the items he was trying to teach consistent or did he waver and change them? Just from the little you have told me, it sounds like you need a strong but kind and patient dominant that is extremely consistent in what he is trying to teach you. I think that a number of things contributed to what you term as your inability to learn. His inconsistent behavior, the pressures he was under from dealing with emotional stresses, and there were probably things in your own life that were a priority over your submission. I don't know on that last part, but it's just a guess. I think that life was one of many factors to the reasons you didn't work out, bit I don't think that you are unable to learn. With the right dominant and the right life circumstances, I think you will be a great sub.

For more information, visit the following links:

Respect and Submission

Submissive or Slave Training

Question #3) "The most heartbreaking post for me are the ones from submissives who are abused by fakers, abusers, and just plain creeps. Those who just abandon the Sub or string her along through online and long distance contact are not dominants. Recently I was reading an article that suggest that these things happen repeatedly and in such large numbers because we, the Submissives, are allowing it by not vetting the individual. Many Submissives have low self esteem and are just accepting anyone that wants to play with them. They are not following the information that clearly outlines safety in meeting and playing with someone. And most importantly they are not following their guts, questioning the slightest discrepancies in word and behavior and walking away. Are we failing to safe guard ourselves physical and emotional?"

Many abusive people use BDSM as a cover for themselves. They will call themselves dominant and will make an entire fake profile and history to catch new, inexperienced, or unwary subs. With the influx of people into the lifestyle over the past few years and the ever expanding internet, many people have dropped all precautions. New subs either don't know or just don't follow common sense safety precautions, online and in real life. We have to think about safety and take precautionary measures in both arenas because many relationships start off online and then transition into a real life situation. There are many females that come online with unrealistic expectations of what they are looking for and exactly what they might get into. I have come across many newbies that entered into an online D/s relationship with a person they had not known for longer than a week and had no clear understanding of what they were getting into. Needless to say, most of those relationships ended with hurt, confused, and misguided subs. I always advise new people to read everything about the lifestyle they can, possibly participate in discussion groups and maybe go to a few munches before ever considering any type of BDSM relationship. With knowledge, you have power and enlightenment. With an understanding of the lifestyle, you can be more cautious and better aware of the pitfalls, fake dominants, and other dangers lurking about. 

For more information, visit the following links:

Predators are everywhere - Beware

Warning Signs of a Fake Dominant

First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life

Thank you to the followers that submitted questions. I hope they were answered to your satisfaction and that the additional reading links gave you more information. 

If you would like my opinion on any BDSM related subject, send me your question at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com and they will be answered here next Tuesday. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Email me any BDSM related question and I will answer it on Tuesdays! Starting this Tuesday!

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Michelle Fegatofi

Introducing a new book from author Michelle Fegatofi!

BDSM Basics for Submissives tackles specific topics that every submissive/slave will deal with at least once in their submissive life. The first installment Dealing with the Mental and Emotional Side of Submission looks deeper into the psychological side of BDSM.

Over the years, I have found a lot of helpless and sometimes clueless submissives that were mentally and emotionally abused by dominants. They each felt like they deserved anything they got and never even questioned the dominants about their behavior. One of the hardest things to learn as a new submissive in the world of BDSM is how to navigate and deal with the whirlwind of mental and emotional stress that can come from being in a D/s or M/s relationship. Many people believe they are not allowed to feel any bad feelings, think bad or wrong thoughts, and always have to be a happy submissive. As humans, we all have to deal with negative feelings and thoughts from time to time, even though we may be submissives. This guide is a tool that will help you understand, analyze, and deal with different types of emotions and mental stresses associated with being a submissive.

Available in eBook format at:

Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Bdsm-Basics-Submissives-Emotional-Submission-ebook/dp/B00NT65UYS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1412285081&sr=8-2&keywords=michelle+fegatofi

Apple iBooks:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/bdsm-basics-for-submissives/id921971642?mt=11

Barnes and Noble:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bdsm-basics-for-submissives-dealing-with-the-mental-and-emotional-side-of-submission-michelle-fegatofi/1120416544?ean=9781312334168

Kobo:

http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/bdsm-basics-for-submissives-dealing-with-the-mental-and-emotional-side-of-submission

Coming Soon in Paperback!

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Michelle Fegatofi

If you read my last post on

Feeling like a Submissive Failure, you know that this past year has had a lot of ups and downs for me. I have struggled with mood swings, lack of interest, lack of motivation, and the inability to focus on one thing for long. The things I enjoy the most (writing and interacting with my followers) just fell to the wayside because I simply had no drive to pursue them.

Normally, I have a very even temperament and sunny personality no matter if I'm sick, suffering from the effects of my Epilepsy, or dealing with unpleasant people. Many times in the past few months, I really wondered to myself if I was having some kind of mental illness starting or if my body had been possessed by a ghost or some evil demon spirit. There were many times that I was aggressive to my Padrone and other times I was feeling down over something insignificant that he said. If you know me or have read my previous posts, you know I love and worship my Padrone. He is my world and being his slave is what makes me happy. I respect and obey him in all ways.

So, if I'm happy, in love with my Padrone, love being his slave and living a 24/7 M/s relationship, what could possibly possess me to ever get aggressive towards him or try to start a fight over something stupid? It would make a great story if I could say that a gremlin took over my body, but this is reality. What it really was is Menopause.

I know I'm only 41 years old. That is usually too young to have full blown menopause. Well, in my case it's not. At the age of 32, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. The doctor recommended a complete hysterectomy. At age 33, about a year after the surgery, my body transitioned into a premenopausal state. At first, the symptoms were so small and random that they didn't really bother me that much. Now in the past couple of years, I have been experiencing more hot flashes and needing much more sleep. Even though I experienced these symptoms, I never consciously thought about the reason behind them.

Thinking back over this past year and talking about it with Padrone, the mood swings and many other symptoms attributed to menopause really escalated as far back as May. I never thought about it because I was the one it was happening to and unless you make a very conscious effort to monitor all of your moods, actions, and words, you have no idea how they come across to other people.

How does menopause affect submission? It can affect it in many ways that a submissive female is not aware of. It made my moods erratic at times. It caused me to become stand-offish and have thoughts of directly disobeying Padrone. It made me wonder at times if I really was cut out to be a submissive or if I was just going through the motions. It made me doubt myself, my life choices, my thoughts, even my sanity at times. Without the loving guidance and extreme patience of Padrone, I honestly have no idea how I would have withstood the firestorm of emotions going on inside my own head this past year.

So, how and when did I come to realize that I was not crazy and that everything that I have been experiencing was attributed to menopause? A couple of days ago I started crying very intensely for no reason. Padrone was asleep and I curled up into his back, clinging for dear life. He woke up, turned over and asked me what the matter was. I was crying so strongly that I couldn't even talk. He just held me until I calmed down. When I was able to form coherent thoughts and words, I told him that I really didn't know why I was crying. He held me and after some moments told me he thought it was menopause.

I hadn't even thought about that. We quietly talked it over and discussed all my symptoms and things that had been happening to me over several months prior. He calmed me down and told me to research menopause symptoms, especially mood swings. I did as I was told. After reading the first article, it felt like a light bulb went on above my head. Once I read several articles, a huge weight seemed to lift off my shoulders and it was like I had a revelation! It turned out I had never been possessed by a gremlin nor was I losing my mind! All the crazy stuff I had been experiencing, feeling, and going through had a medical explanation. I had finally transferred into full blown menopause after suffering premenopause for almost 8 years.

Here are a list of commonly felt symptoms experienced by women in Pre menopause or Menopause:

• Breast tenderness
• Vaginal dryness
• Lower sex drive
• Mood swings
• Erratic thoughts or behavior
• Fatigue
• Aggressiveness
• Sleep deprivation
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of focus
• Lack of motivation
• Weight gain or loss
• Forgetfulness
• Depression
• Anxiety

Those are just some things that women can face during this period in their lives. There is hope and help to control or curb many of these symptoms. I urge you to do your own research and talk to a doctor before starting any new health regimens.

Can you still be a submissive if your are experiencing menopause? Of course! The very first thing you need is a very patient and understanding Dominant. The next thing you have to do is to become more aware of your moods, thoughts and actions, especially reactions. When you have thoughts that make you doubt your ability or desire to submit, stop and reflect on the joy, love, and honor you get from being submissive to your dominant. 

Make sure to talk to your dominant about what's going on inside your head and with your body. Help him understand that these changes occurring will make your submission a little more difficult sometimes and that during these times is when you need a little more understanding and leniency. Ask him to read some of the research you found on premenopause and menopause to help him understand more.   

Once you realize what's going on, you can find a way to combat the symptoms and help your moods stay on a more even wave length. I'm very fortunate to have a more experienced and extremely patient Padrone. With his help, I am feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. If you have a dominant, always remember that you are not alone in dealing with this condition. Lean on his shoulder as much as you need to. That's what I do and that in and of itself is priceless. 

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