Respect is very important in the lifestyle.
A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.
Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.
Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your Dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.
Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Master's teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.
If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.
I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.
The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.
A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.
Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.
Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your Dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.
Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Master's teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.
If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.
I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.
The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.
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Spanking, whether it’s done with a toy or by hand, is something that a lot of people enjoy for many different reasons.
Spanking can feel great. The thrill of doing something naughty can be fun. It might be part of a role play or S&M scene.
It can be a long wait for that first spanking. Many submissives are over 30 before they get the courage to act out fantasies they have had since childhood. The reality of spanking can be a bit of a surprise. Firstly, it's every bit as fun as you have been led to believe. Submission is mind-blowingly liberating. Secondly, you may end up looking rather different from the pink-cheeked and politely striped girls on the commercial websites.
Spanking is first a dichotomy of power. It is this transfer of power, this total surrender that is the hallmark of spanking. Within that concept, there are many levels of submission, and corresponding degrees of physicality. Within the spanking scene, there are two general types of spanking, and several types of spanking relationships to encapsulate them. These two main categories still provide a lot of room for subtle nuances. These main categories are Sensual/Erotic and Disciplinary/Domestic Discipline.
If you are not already in a defined BDSM role and relationship, talk with your partner about what excites them about spanking. If you want to try something naughty, then engaging in role play may give you extra context for that naughtiness. If you’re curious about the sensation, then a role might be irrelevant, plus you might want to be in a position that allows the maximum comfort. You’re much more likely to get what you want when you can talk with your partner about it.
'Safe, sane and consensual' goes without saying. Constant communication is necessary and so is absolute trust. If you have fragile skin, there is lot more to it that establishing a safe-word, because the sub's tolerance might bear little relation to the marks inflicted. She can't see what's going on behind her, and in any case, if she gets into sub-space, she's not in a place to make sensible decisions of any sort. So there is an extra burden of care on the Dom.
Just before a spanking happens, the Dominant will generally position the submissive in one of several traditional and well known spanking positions. I won’t get into those positions today because there are simply too many.
The Dominant is normally in a higher position than the submissive so they can restrain and control the submissive when she moves. The control also heightens the satisfaction of a top in a scene like this. The Dominant can apply more strength in the traditional positions. When sitting with a submissive over the lap, the Dominant can swing their arms naturally and apply force on all those spots they plan to hit. When they are standing, he or she can swing their arms and body to get even more power out of the stroke. Of course, it is a matter of comfort as well, since it makes sense that the naughty girl or boy receiving the spanking should be less comfortable than the Dominant. Comfort also contributes to the length of a spanking and that is of course a benefit for the sub too.
The position of the submissive’s butt is very tantalizing in most traditional postures. It makes the activity so much more erotic for the Dominant and helps to ensure accuracy in the spanking. There is nothing quite as appealing as the derriere stretched at an angle ready for that spanking. Safety is also a factor to discuss here. The Dominant is more able to ensure that he or she will not hit too high or too low and the submissive will not be harmed.
If you’re new to spanking, it’s a good idea to focus your attention on the butt only. There’s a lot you can do on the butt cheeks and the body is usually pretty well-padded there, so you don’t need to worry about causing damage. Plus, when you spank someone’s butt, you can indirectly stimulate their genitals, especially if they’re in a position that allows them to rub against your leg or a piece of furniture. Be careful to avoid hitting the tailbone and never hit on the kidneys.
Many people find that the sensation of spanking varies along a continuum of sting-thud. Stingy sensations tend to be on the surface of the skin, while thudding sensations feel deeper. Different toys and hand positions create different sensations, so you may need to experiment a bit. Also, some people have strong preferences for one style and feel over the other, while some like both kind of sensation.
You may find that as you get turned on, things start to feel different. Sexual arousal increases our ability to feel strong sensations, so it’s a good idea to start off lightly and ramp up. Combining or alternating spanking with other types of stimulation can be a fun way to increase the pleasure. Or you might want to get turned on before you start spanking. Lots of people like to switch from spanking to gentle caresses or the feeling of a fur or fleece glove. Play around with it and you’ll discover what feels good to you.
Newbie Dominants remember that you can make the spanking even more erotic by varying touches and rhythm, by caressing me and then spanking me you can get me to new heights of pleasure. Your control could be magnified by a little bit of humiliating speak too. Also, reminding your sub to return to position and to maintain that position often helps keep them in line and even more excited.
Spanking can feel great. The thrill of doing something naughty can be fun. It might be part of a role play or S&M scene.
It can be a long wait for that first spanking. Many submissives are over 30 before they get the courage to act out fantasies they have had since childhood. The reality of spanking can be a bit of a surprise. Firstly, it's every bit as fun as you have been led to believe. Submission is mind-blowingly liberating. Secondly, you may end up looking rather different from the pink-cheeked and politely striped girls on the commercial websites.
Spanking is first a dichotomy of power. It is this transfer of power, this total surrender that is the hallmark of spanking. Within that concept, there are many levels of submission, and corresponding degrees of physicality. Within the spanking scene, there are two general types of spanking, and several types of spanking relationships to encapsulate them. These two main categories still provide a lot of room for subtle nuances. These main categories are Sensual/Erotic and Disciplinary/Domestic Discipline.
If you are not already in a defined BDSM role and relationship, talk with your partner about what excites them about spanking. If you want to try something naughty, then engaging in role play may give you extra context for that naughtiness. If you’re curious about the sensation, then a role might be irrelevant, plus you might want to be in a position that allows the maximum comfort. You’re much more likely to get what you want when you can talk with your partner about it.
'Safe, sane and consensual' goes without saying. Constant communication is necessary and so is absolute trust. If you have fragile skin, there is lot more to it that establishing a safe-word, because the sub's tolerance might bear little relation to the marks inflicted. She can't see what's going on behind her, and in any case, if she gets into sub-space, she's not in a place to make sensible decisions of any sort. So there is an extra burden of care on the Dom.
Just before a spanking happens, the Dominant will generally position the submissive in one of several traditional and well known spanking positions. I won’t get into those positions today because there are simply too many.
The Dominant is normally in a higher position than the submissive so they can restrain and control the submissive when she moves. The control also heightens the satisfaction of a top in a scene like this. The Dominant can apply more strength in the traditional positions. When sitting with a submissive over the lap, the Dominant can swing their arms naturally and apply force on all those spots they plan to hit. When they are standing, he or she can swing their arms and body to get even more power out of the stroke. Of course, it is a matter of comfort as well, since it makes sense that the naughty girl or boy receiving the spanking should be less comfortable than the Dominant. Comfort also contributes to the length of a spanking and that is of course a benefit for the sub too.
The position of the submissive’s butt is very tantalizing in most traditional postures. It makes the activity so much more erotic for the Dominant and helps to ensure accuracy in the spanking. There is nothing quite as appealing as the derriere stretched at an angle ready for that spanking. Safety is also a factor to discuss here. The Dominant is more able to ensure that he or she will not hit too high or too low and the submissive will not be harmed.
If you’re new to spanking, it’s a good idea to focus your attention on the butt only. There’s a lot you can do on the butt cheeks and the body is usually pretty well-padded there, so you don’t need to worry about causing damage. Plus, when you spank someone’s butt, you can indirectly stimulate their genitals, especially if they’re in a position that allows them to rub against your leg or a piece of furniture. Be careful to avoid hitting the tailbone and never hit on the kidneys.
Many people find that the sensation of spanking varies along a continuum of sting-thud. Stingy sensations tend to be on the surface of the skin, while thudding sensations feel deeper. Different toys and hand positions create different sensations, so you may need to experiment a bit. Also, some people have strong preferences for one style and feel over the other, while some like both kind of sensation.
You may find that as you get turned on, things start to feel different. Sexual arousal increases our ability to feel strong sensations, so it’s a good idea to start off lightly and ramp up. Combining or alternating spanking with other types of stimulation can be a fun way to increase the pleasure. Or you might want to get turned on before you start spanking. Lots of people like to switch from spanking to gentle caresses or the feeling of a fur or fleece glove. Play around with it and you’ll discover what feels good to you.
Newbie Dominants remember that you can make the spanking even more erotic by varying touches and rhythm, by caressing me and then spanking me you can get me to new heights of pleasure. Your control could be magnified by a little bit of humiliating speak too. Also, reminding your sub to return to position and to maintain that position often helps keep them in line and even more excited.
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Just as the internet culture has opened up great new ways to communicate - it has also provided a whole new way for psychopaths to con and manipulate people.
Predators do exist and are a very real threat. They target both men and women of all ages and use the anonymity of the Internet to their advantage since they can be whomever they want. They look for people that are emotionally vulnerable and start to connect and manipulate them by relating to personal issues derived from problems that either occurred in the past or are currently happening. Just because we are geared towards BDSM as a community, does not mean that we are safe. We rely on honesty when dealing with our partners, but if you are just getting to know someone, do you really know that person?
Did you know that statistically speaking, 87% of profiles that contain adult content are fake? Do you really know if that person is real or not? Is the person on the other end you are telling so much real information about yourself a psycho?
I get many emails and have heard many stories mostly about subs (mostly women) that are so in love with their on-line cyber Doms, that they decide to sell everything, quit their jobs and pack up and move to where the Dom lives. But, do you really know that Dom? Why are you doing all the comprise and life changes? Is the Dom willing to come and move you? Do you have a back up plan? These are the things to think about if you are seriously thinking of making this type of move.
Before I continue, I have to say that I met my Padrone online and moved to Italy to be with him. But, he came to the USA, packed me up, paid for everything and we have been living together very happily for 1 1/2 years. There are many other tales of people that have met online and are either happily living together or married now. You have to understand though, that these are rare exceptions to the rule. I got very lucky that I met the person that completes me so well online. Most people aren't as lucky and pay a high price for not being more cautious.
Here are some tips to watch out for that can be a sure sign of an online predator:
Choosing a Victim
They study people thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to their charms. The right victims are those that usually have a need or a void to fill, those who see something exotic in the Predator. The victim is often isolated or at least somewhat unhappy (perhaps because of recent adverse circumstances). The perfect victim has some natural quality that will attract the Predator. The strong emotions this quality inspires will make their seductive maneuvers seem more natural and dynamic. The perfect victim allows for the perfect chase.
They will Create a False Sense of Security
At first, they will just engage you in polite conversation. The seduction will begin in an indirect manner, so that you gradually start to connect with the Predator on a more personal and deep level. They will gradually move from a relatively neutral relationship to lover. They will start telling you things about their past and life that are all false, but make you relate to them on a more personal level. That is what creates the false sense of security.
They will Engage Your Friends to Use Against You
Few of us are drawn to a person that others seem to avoid. People gather around those who have already attracted interest. We want what other people want. To draw you closer and make you hungry to be possessed by them, the Predator creates an aura of desirability-of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of attention. They will then 'pick' you out of the crowd of admirers. This manufactures the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex-friends, former lovers, present suitors, but also makes you feel extremely special because out of all the people, they chose you. The Predator may also create triangles to stimulate rivalry and make you crave them even more.
They will Cause You to Confuse Desire and Reality: The Perfect Illusion To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of their time daydreaming, imagining a future full of adventure, success, and romance. If the Predator can create the illusion that you can live out your dreams with them, they will have you at their mercy. They will start slowly, gaining trust, and gradually constructing the fantasy that matches your deepest desires. They will aim at secret wishes that have been repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding your powers of reason. The perfect illusion is one that does not depart too much from reality, but has a touch of the unreal to it, like a waking dream. They will then easily lead you to a point of confusion in which you can no longer tell the difference between illusion and reality.
This is the point that they close the net and separate you from your real life friends and family. This is the time when you will likely make a major life altering decision to move to a different state or even country, just to be with them, to live the fantasy life they have created around you. This is where you really need to step back before you make any moves and evaluate the situation in its entirety.
Are you being honest with yourself about your real desires or are they just fantasies you really do not wish to live in reality? Are you willing to sacrifice everyone and everything to make a move to be with that person? Is the Predator asking you to sever ties with everyone and only focus on them?
I have talked to many that were pulled into online illusions by what I term as Master Players. They were manipulated to the point that they either did sell everything and pack up and get ready to move, only to have something happen in the 11th hour that caused all plans to come to a stop, or they were seriously ready to start the process of trying to make that major move and something came up to bring the victim back to reality.
You have to be cautious. You have to be aware. Yes, there are many times when you take all precautions and do everything you can and still, you get burned. But the one thing that I found that was a common thread to those that did get burned was that the giving was all on one side. The victims gave and gave and the Predators took and took. There was no 50/50 sacrifices. The victim (in every case I am thinking of was a sub) was always the one that either gave up everything or was about to give up everything just to be with the Dominant.
If the Dominant wants you badly enough, they will make as many sacrifices as you to get you there to be with them. If this is not the case, then it is probably not a real situation or will not turn out to be a good situation for you.
Remember, you are priceless, so be cautious and do not make hasty decisions.
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If you have been around or explored the world of BDSM for any length of time, you will have heard of Limits.
If you have no clue as to what the true meaning of Limits is, the easiest explanation I can give you is this: Limits encompass everything (mentally, physically, emotionally) that you will and will not allow in a BDSM relationship.
When people ask me what they should and should not allow, I tell them that is up to them. Do your homework and read as much as you can about different aspects of BDSM scene play, bondage, and roles. The more informed you are, the better you can decide what you are more comfortable with.
If you are at a place that you are thinking of entering into a BDSM contract with someone, you have to have all of your limits in place and make sure they will be honored by your Dominant. Write down 3 lists, one that contains things that are permissible, one that contains things that you may want to try but are scared to, and one that contains items that are absolutely off limits, no matter what your Dominant says or does.
Before a BDSM scene, it is common for participants to negotiate an outline of what activities will and will not take place during the play session. Participants outline what they want to happen and hard and soft limits are determined. For example, it is common to set a time limit on the session, to set a safeword and to prohibit activity involving non-consenting 3rd parties.
Hard Limits
Something that must not be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship.
NEVER say you don't have limits unless you are with a Dominant that has the exact same morals as you do or you can trust to not take you into places that you do not want to go. If you don't have well defined limits, this could become a problem if you do not know each other inside and out.
Soft Limits
Something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused.
Safe word
Safe words are intended to protect participants from going further or doing things they don't wish to do. Safe words are also intended to end or slow down the scene for other reasons, such as a cramp, charley horse or a sudden onset of dizziness or shortness of breath.
The whole point of choosing a safe word is to select a word that you would not normally use in conversation, not even in animated conversation. Choosing a word like Stop or Ow wouldn't work because often, stop doesn't mean stop, it means 'if you stop now I will scream!' and 'Ow' can mean 'this is so yummy, please may I have another?' Choosing Elephant or Babysitter, Frog legs or Chicken as your safe word is a much better idea. OK, chicken fried steak might be too hard to remember, so maybe stick with the one word safe words. I mean, really, how often do you think a person is tied to a St. Andrew's Cross enjoying the flogger so much they are flying into subspace and the word babysitter comes to their mind?
The Myth of Safe words is that a safe word will protect the submissive from harm. That is utter crap! A safe word has absolutely no power to protect the submissive from harm. In fact, I believe that trusting in safe words can often create a false sense of safety for submissives. A submissive is falsely comforted by the Top's giving them a safe word. The safe word is of no value whatsoever, without knowing and trusting the Top, and how in the world could a submissive possibly trust someone they spent a total of a few hours on the internet with, prior to agreeing to play with them?
So remember that Limits and a Safe word are the first keys to practicing a safe and healthy BDSM relationship!
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Throughout the BDSM community, we see pictures of collared and leashed subs/slaves all over.
I find them very enticing myself and love seeing new pics of devoted slaves kneeling at the feet of their Master/Mistress with their leash being held. Most subs/slaves feel best and most secure when they are in close proximity of Master/Mistress. But, practicality, physical limits, family, etc., prohibits most of the leashed positions that are pictured in the images we see splashed all over the internet. How can we achieve that mental feeling of security and love when we are out in the world, or our Dominants are out, without actually, physically, being leashed?
This is where we can use technology to our advantage. If you are a Dominant and want to keep a tight leash on your sub/slave all hours of the day, make sure they have a cell phone with WiFi or Internet access. Through this, you can use many free apps to check on their whereabouts at anytime you choose. Google Maps and Facebook are two of the most popular and free software you can use. Make specific rules for your sub/slave, when to check in, where and how to check in, as well as what info you want them to send when they do their check in, such as location, time estimated to be at the place, how they feel, etc. Granted, this could make some subs feel like they are being to controlled, but there are many others that would love this type of rule or control.
If you are a sub/slave and you love the feelings you get when you are on a leash connected physically to your Dominant, this is a very good alternative. If you do not wear a collar at all times, outside the house especially, ask your Dominant to pick one for you that is acceptable to be seen in public places and could be mistaken as a piece of jewelery. The weight on your neck will make you feel connected and remind you of who owns you always, no matter where you may be. If your Dominant is not with you, perform 'Check-ins' via the Facebook or Google apps mentioned above; or simply send a text message to the Dom, following the rules H/She outlined for you.
I actually call my Padrone (Master) whenever I go anywhere. If he is not at home and I need to go out, I call him before I leave, and when I reach wherever I am going. I tell him how long I think I might be there, then call him again when I am leaving. If he is at home, I call when I reach my destination, and call again to let Him know I am leaving and where else I may be going if not going directly home. I have found this gives me a sense of peace, security, and love deep inside myself, as well as giving my Padrone an added sense of security and peace of mind in knowing his slave is well. He implemented these measures because of my epilepsy, but also because He knows me so well, that he understands that any type of rule like this, that he puts in place, makes me feel that much more safe, secure, loved, and protected, especially if he is not with me.
So, the next time you as a Dominant wonder where your slave is or you as a sub/slave, wish you had that feeling of security and love that a leash gives you, try utilizing the methods I mentioned above. You will be surprised at the peace of mind and feeling of security it will bring to both the Dominant and the sub/slave.
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I rarely post multiple things, but I have been reading a couple of follower
emails and comments on various pages I contribute to. I think there is a big
confusion among newbies to BDSM or D/s that do not know the difference between
true BDSM and abuse. I hope this helps clear it up for you. If you feel
threatened in a bad way, if your submission is forced or something about the
relationship makes you think or feel bad all the time and you get no comfort
from it, it is more likely abuse than an BDSM relationship.
 |
| abused submissive |
 |
| Loving D/s relationship |
Telling
the Difference between Consentual BDSM and abuse:
- Restraints. Abusers tend to restrain their victims with fear and intimidation, not safety clips and quick releases.
- The availability of mentors, reference materials and technical guides.
- SM rarely results in facial marks or marks that are received on the forearms (defensive marks).
- There is usually an even pattern of marks if it is SM, indicating the bottom held quite still during the stimulation.
- The marks are often quite well-defined when inflicted by a toy like cane or whip, whereas in abuse there are blotches of soft-tissue bruising, randomly distributed.
- The common areas for SM stimulation is on the buttocks, thighs, back, breasts, or the genitals. The fleshy parts of the body can be stimulated intensely and pleasurably.
- D/s is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting adult partners.
- Abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care.
- D/s is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people.
- Abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person.
- D/s is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure.
- Abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degradation of the submissive.
- D/s is about loving each other completely and without reservation in an alternate way.
- Abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive.
- D/s frees a submissive from the restraints of years of vanilla conditioning to explore a buried part of herself.
- Abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy... imprisoning her very soul.
- D/s builds self-esteem as a person discovers and embraces their long hidden sexuality.
- Abuse shatters and destroys a person's self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in its place.
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Many people today meet online, vanilla and BDSMers alike. On the internet, you tend to feel safer and more comfortable when chatting with different people you might be interested in. Sometimes we forget about safety, however. Today's post stress that importance and gives you some tips to think about before setting up that first meeting. If you have any more tips to share, please do!
In BDSM like in anything else in real life, there are people that are in the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. For those of us in the Lifestyle, trust cannot be bought with money. The only way build trust is through discussion, negotiation and time. If a partner wants money or expensive gifts up front, beware! If you want to pay for services (being dominated or Dominating), go see a professional Dominant. Do not discuss any financial matters until you have established trust and a solid relationship. If you find a good partner, and you build trust between you, make it a pleasant surprise that you are wealthy. If you flash your money before you build that trust, you will find a partner, but he or she may be with you for the wrong reasons.
- Michelle Fegatofi
In BDSM like in anything else in real life, there are people that are in the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. For those of us in the Lifestyle, trust cannot be bought with money. The only way build trust is through discussion, negotiation and time. If a partner wants money or expensive gifts up front, beware! If you want to pay for services (being dominated or Dominating), go see a professional Dominant. Do not discuss any financial matters until you have established trust and a solid relationship. If you find a good partner, and you build trust between you, make it a pleasant surprise that you are wealthy. If you flash your money before you build that trust, you will find a partner, but he or she may be with you for the wrong reasons.
The biggest
danger is physical harm and/or death. Not everyone is out to hurt and kill
people, but some people are. Most meetings go very well, but the dangers are
very real. Submissive women are often seen as easy prey because their
submissive nature can be manipulated to allow for abuse by someone who knows
how. Physical vulnerability can be easily utilized by an unscrupulous person
and either permanently physically harm you, or outright kill you. Make sure you have gotten references about the
person you are meeting and checked them BEFORE you meet.
Don't
ignore basic safety measures. There are people out there who are simply
predators, and the person you are meeting may be wonderful online and the
phone, but admit you don't really know him, and protect yourself until you do. Never
divert from your planned itinerary on a first meeting. You planned that
schedule so people could find you...if you leave it, they can't. Stay where you
said you would be, when you set up your security, and resist, to the point of
running away, any attempt by your partner to take you away.
Inform a
close friend of where you will be and with whom. Give your friend a good
description of the person you are meeting in case this is needed by authorities
later. Give them the make, model and license plate number of car the person you
are meeting will be driving. Leave a copy of this information out in a very
visible area in your home as well, just in case it is needed by authorities
later.
Set up safe
calls with your friend. These are set times that you are supposed to call your
friend and let them know that you are all right. If you miss your set time to
call, the safe person should attempt to reach you, if they cannot, then they
should be instructed to call the authorities. This goes for both doms and subs.
Numerous
articles have been written about this where to meet. Every single article will
stress the importance of safety. The choice of the place to meet should be during
daylight hours in a public venue, where both people feel safe and at ease. Choose
a restaurant or a coffee shop. You will be able to have some kind of privacy
sitting at a table while you still are among people. If you choose a
restaurant, make it not too expensive, but again, avoid greasy spoon places or
restaurant chains (too many kids and commotion for a good discussion). A quiet,
not too expensive place should do.
DO NOT
PLAY! On the first real life meeting, you want to take the time to get to know
your potential partner. Playing will only satisfy a sexual urge and may cloud
your judgment. Realistically, many people do play on the first meeting. It is
similar to the "one night stand" of vanilla relationships. Some
people are only looking for a one night stand and not a committed relationship.
Be sure that your desires for the relationship match your prospective partners.
If play is a possibility, a play list or scene negotiation form should be used.
Remember, most meetings go very well, but there
have been some incidences where the meetings did not go well and someone got
hurt and/or killed. You are solely responsible for your own safety in these
situations. Use common sense and you will find meeting people to be a more
pleasurable experience.
- Michelle Fegatofi
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With the popularity of the 50 Shades novels, as well as the growing interest on the internet, I decided to layout the different roles and relationships seen within the BDSM community.
Many of you are probably already familiar with them, but the way I see things might differ from your own views and it's always nice to see a fresh perspective on the Lifestyle.
Remember that not all people fall under one label or category. Some people are self proclaimed Masters instead of just a Dominant, others are self proclaimed slaves instead of just a submissive. It is not about the labels. It is about what you feel deep inside yourself. BDSM is about the deep connection you get when taking complete control of another person or surrendering complete control.
Also remember that there are many kinds of Dominants and submissives in sub-categories. I won't expound on those today. If you have a different view, please comment. I love feedback and am always wanting to grow in my knowledge.
These refer to the person in charge or in control. These titles are generally used only during scene play. They are not used as a form of address a Dominant, but only to describe the person.
This title refers to the person in control and is usually only used in a Master/slave relationship. It is also the most commonly used name to address the Dominant in a M/s relationship.
These titles refer to the one that submits.
A slave is an individual who is wholly under the control of a Master. They freely surrendered their rights and privileges as an individual. A slave thrives on the opportunity to provide unconditional service and to exceed their Owner's expectations. The slave is devoted to the service and the will of their Owner.
This title refers to someone who plays both Dom and Sub roles, usually with different partners.
Depending on how you and your partner decide to practice a BDSM lifestyle, will determine which relationship you fall under. There are three main areas relationships can be categorized as, with many variations possible underneath.
This type of play is normally reserved for a Dom and sub that play with each other from time to time. They do not have a fixed relationship. It also encompasses people that just meet up on the weekends at BDSM clubs and do a scene together. Their knowledge of each other is limited or non-existent. The power exchange and negotiations are in place solely for that specific scene.
In these relationships the focus is not on just play, but also on the mental aspects of the power exchange and service by the submissive. The power exchange is not always obvious, but each person involved knows their place whether play has occured recently or not. In this kind of relationship, one finds rules of behavior, expectations, and tasks put on the submissive. The majority of mainstream BDSM relationships fall into this category. Such a relationship may or may not include love. It also may or may not include limits on play activities, which were imposed by the submissive.
In this type of relationship, there is a total giving of power from the slave to the Dominant. It is, in fact, a total power exchange (TPE). Like the D/s relationship, the power exchange is present outside of sexual encounters. Unlike the D/s relationship, the slave can not and does not set any limits on the Dominant and usually does not have a safeword. As in the D/s relationship, you will find rules of behavior, expectations and tasks placed on the slave. These rules normally cover a lot more area, such as tone of voice, body movements, sleeping and eating habits, poise and more. The main focus of this relationship is the service of the slave, not sexual gratification. The service of the slave is the most satisfying and driving force behind the relationship. Those involved in an M/s relationship, do so because they need to serve or be served. The slave wants to relinquish all control to the Dominant and is happiest when he/she finds the right Dominant for them to which they can fully submit.
There is a fourth type of relationship I have seen, yet have not heard anyone name it or clearly define it, but it does exist. It comes between a D/s and an M/s relationship. It has traits of both types. It focuses more on service and mental aspects than a standard D/s relationship, yet still has a bit more focus on the physical aspects than the M/s relationship. In such a relationship, the submissive exhibits and is happiest with quite a few attributes of the M/s relationship. It usually contains blanket consent, no safe words, and no limits. Such a relationship can grow into an M/s one or revert to a D/s one, depending on what the participants want.
Because of the many variations of relationships, it is good to have a general idea of the different relationships that are possible. Armed with such information, it becomes easier to avoid finding yourself in a relationship that you either can't handle or just are not happy in. It is extremely important that prospective partners discuss what they want in a relationship, and honestly evaluate if their visions of the ideal relationship match.
Many of you are probably already familiar with them, but the way I see things might differ from your own views and it's always nice to see a fresh perspective on the Lifestyle.
Remember that not all people fall under one label or category. Some people are self proclaimed Masters instead of just a Dominant, others are self proclaimed slaves instead of just a submissive. It is not about the labels. It is about what you feel deep inside yourself. BDSM is about the deep connection you get when taking complete control of another person or surrendering complete control.
Also remember that there are many kinds of Dominants and submissives in sub-categories. I won't expound on those today. If you have a different view, please comment. I love feedback and am always wanting to grow in my knowledge.
Top/Dominant/Dom/Domme
These refer to the person in charge or in control. These titles are generally used only during scene play. They are not used as a form of address a Dominant, but only to describe the person.
Master/Mistress
This title refers to the person in control and is usually only used in a Master/slave relationship. It is also the most commonly used name to address the Dominant in a M/s relationship.
Bottom/Submissive
These titles refer to the one that submits.
Slave
A slave is an individual who is wholly under the control of a Master. They freely surrendered their rights and privileges as an individual. A slave thrives on the opportunity to provide unconditional service and to exceed their Owner's expectations. The slave is devoted to the service and the will of their Owner.
Switch
This title refers to someone who plays both Dom and Sub roles, usually with different partners.
Relationships
Depending on how you and your partner decide to practice a BDSM lifestyle, will determine which relationship you fall under. There are three main areas relationships can be categorized as, with many variations possible underneath.
Top/bottom
This type of play is normally reserved for a Dom and sub that play with each other from time to time. They do not have a fixed relationship. It also encompasses people that just meet up on the weekends at BDSM clubs and do a scene together. Their knowledge of each other is limited or non-existent. The power exchange and negotiations are in place solely for that specific scene.
Dominant/submissive
In these relationships the focus is not on just play, but also on the mental aspects of the power exchange and service by the submissive. The power exchange is not always obvious, but each person involved knows their place whether play has occured recently or not. In this kind of relationship, one finds rules of behavior, expectations, and tasks put on the submissive. The majority of mainstream BDSM relationships fall into this category. Such a relationship may or may not include love. It also may or may not include limits on play activities, which were imposed by the submissive.
Master/slave
In this type of relationship, there is a total giving of power from the slave to the Dominant. It is, in fact, a total power exchange (TPE). Like the D/s relationship, the power exchange is present outside of sexual encounters. Unlike the D/s relationship, the slave can not and does not set any limits on the Dominant and usually does not have a safeword. As in the D/s relationship, you will find rules of behavior, expectations and tasks placed on the slave. These rules normally cover a lot more area, such as tone of voice, body movements, sleeping and eating habits, poise and more. The main focus of this relationship is the service of the slave, not sexual gratification. The service of the slave is the most satisfying and driving force behind the relationship. Those involved in an M/s relationship, do so because they need to serve or be served. The slave wants to relinquish all control to the Dominant and is happiest when he/she finds the right Dominant for them to which they can fully submit.
There is a fourth type of relationship I have seen, yet have not heard anyone name it or clearly define it, but it does exist. It comes between a D/s and an M/s relationship. It has traits of both types. It focuses more on service and mental aspects than a standard D/s relationship, yet still has a bit more focus on the physical aspects than the M/s relationship. In such a relationship, the submissive exhibits and is happiest with quite a few attributes of the M/s relationship. It usually contains blanket consent, no safe words, and no limits. Such a relationship can grow into an M/s one or revert to a D/s one, depending on what the participants want.
Because of the many variations of relationships, it is good to have a general idea of the different relationships that are possible. Armed with such information, it becomes easier to avoid finding yourself in a relationship that you either can't handle or just are not happy in. It is extremely important that prospective partners discuss what they want in a relationship, and honestly evaluate if their visions of the ideal relationship match.
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