Maintaining a relationship in today's society can be difficult even in normal situations because we have many obligations and life in general is hectic. With the rise in technology, how we meet potential partners has changed. Twenty years ago, people met partners through friends, blind dates, or just by chance run-ins at a bar/supermarket/other social gathering. In today's world, the internet has changed how society interacts with one another. We have many people using social media and dating apps to find a potential partner to date or just to hookup with.
In the BDSM community, an entire new branch has developed. Many people are learning about and practicing a form of BDSM online, without ever meeting their Dominant/submissive in person. These types of relationships consist mostly of 90% mental submission and 10% physical submission. The mental submission usually appears in the form of the submissive showing his/her submission by performing tasks assigned by the Dominant. The Dominant usually gives the sub a set of rules to follow that are compatible with the sub's real life and has minimal impact on real life obligations. They usually maintain contact through email, instant messages, and text messages several times a day. Some even go as far as to use a tracking software on the cellphone of the submissive to ensure that the sub is exactly where he/she says they will be.
While many of these relationships never last much longer than a a few weeks, others grow and last for years. There are many Old Guard practitioners of BDSM that don't consider online only D/s or M/s as a true form of the BDSM umbrella. Their thoughts are that if you are never with your partner in person, then true domination and submission can't happen. You can't see whether or not the submissive follows all the rules and tasks or if they take short cuts and simply lie about a task being completed. Although I'm a firm believer in the OG ways, I have also learned to keep an open mind and adapt my views of the ever changing community and accepted online only BDSM Dynamics as real relationships.
There are a lot of people that use the internet as a fantasy just to have a distraction from their real life problems. But, when a real connection happens, emotions get involved and the pair start getting closer. Trust is established and their connection becomes deeper. A couple can be as committed and faithful to each other as their real life counterparts. If you've never been in this type of dynamic, you can't understand the commitment that exists between the participants.
While I support online BDSM relationships, I also advise caution when meeting and getting to know your potential partner (Dominant or submissive). Take your time to really get to know the other person. Learn their thoughts on BDSM Limits, their goals for an online only relationship, how they view these types of relationships and details about their everyday lives. You want to make sure you're compatible with each other in a BDSM setting but also in a normal setting as well. For example, you ask about their views on certain Lifestyle subjects and find out that you're both on the same page. Then, since we never just stick to only BDSM related subjects, you move to politics as a topic of discussion. You find out that his/her beliefs are completely different from your own. These are things that honestly can make or break a friendship and even some relationships. The more you know about the other person before actually engaging in a BDSM dynamic will help you maintain a stronger, longer lasting online relationship.
Warning Signs and Red Flags to look out for.
Now, we all know that there are a lot of creepy stalker people whose goals are to tag a victim and either mentally/emotionally abuse them, or to try to perform some type of fraud, such as stealing bank account information or identity theft. Here are some things you need to look for that should be red flags when starting to get to know the person.
Maintaining an Online Relationship
Once you have established a good online connection built with a solid foundation, it's important that you work to maintain it. Being in an online only relationship can be difficult, so here are some tips to help you stay connected.
Punishments for Online Only Dynamics
If punishment is a part of the way you practice BDSM, it's even more important that you maintain consistency with rules, rewards, and punishments. I highly recommend that you make a contract detailing rules, punishments and protocols so that neither person is surprised or broadsided by the actions or behavior of the other. For some ideas in how to punish your submissive if and when it may be needed, check out my detailed blog post Punishments in BDSM Relationships.
In conclusion, make sure you know the person well before investing time, energy, and emotions into an online BDSM dynamic. Look for warning signs or red flags, keep an open and honest line of communication with them, and don't be in a rush!
In the BDSM community, an entire new branch has developed. Many people are learning about and practicing a form of BDSM online, without ever meeting their Dominant/submissive in person. These types of relationships consist mostly of 90% mental submission and 10% physical submission. The mental submission usually appears in the form of the submissive showing his/her submission by performing tasks assigned by the Dominant. The Dominant usually gives the sub a set of rules to follow that are compatible with the sub's real life and has minimal impact on real life obligations. They usually maintain contact through email, instant messages, and text messages several times a day. Some even go as far as to use a tracking software on the cellphone of the submissive to ensure that the sub is exactly where he/she says they will be.
While many of these relationships never last much longer than a a few weeks, others grow and last for years. There are many Old Guard practitioners of BDSM that don't consider online only D/s or M/s as a true form of the BDSM umbrella. Their thoughts are that if you are never with your partner in person, then true domination and submission can't happen. You can't see whether or not the submissive follows all the rules and tasks or if they take short cuts and simply lie about a task being completed. Although I'm a firm believer in the OG ways, I have also learned to keep an open mind and adapt my views of the ever changing community and accepted online only BDSM Dynamics as real relationships.
There are a lot of people that use the internet as a fantasy just to have a distraction from their real life problems. But, when a real connection happens, emotions get involved and the pair start getting closer. Trust is established and their connection becomes deeper. A couple can be as committed and faithful to each other as their real life counterparts. If you've never been in this type of dynamic, you can't understand the commitment that exists between the participants.
While I support online BDSM relationships, I also advise caution when meeting and getting to know your potential partner (Dominant or submissive). Take your time to really get to know the other person. Learn their thoughts on BDSM Limits, their goals for an online only relationship, how they view these types of relationships and details about their everyday lives. You want to make sure you're compatible with each other in a BDSM setting but also in a normal setting as well. For example, you ask about their views on certain Lifestyle subjects and find out that you're both on the same page. Then, since we never just stick to only BDSM related subjects, you move to politics as a topic of discussion. You find out that his/her beliefs are completely different from your own. These are things that honestly can make or break a friendship and even some relationships. The more you know about the other person before actually engaging in a BDSM dynamic will help you maintain a stronger, longer lasting online relationship.
Warning Signs and Red Flags to look out for.
Now, we all know that there are a lot of creepy stalker people whose goals are to tag a victim and either mentally/emotionally abuse them, or to try to perform some type of fraud, such as stealing bank account information or identity theft. Here are some things you need to look for that should be red flags when starting to get to know the person.
- Extravagant Life stories. If you are hearing a bunch of stories (because that's what they are most of the time) and not a lot of it seems realistic, this is a warning sign!
- Refuses to video chat. If they have an excuse every time you ask them to video chat, then I would see this as a red flag. Most devices now have some sort of camera on them and there are just too many free apps available to use that continually refusing video chats is a warning that things are not as they would have you believe.
- No updated profile pictures. While many people don't update their profile pics just because they like the one they have already, it shouldn't stop them from at least sending a current pic to you. If they refuse or continually make excuses, it may not even be them in the picture.
- Refuses all voice contact. If you want talk but it's too expensive because of distance, there are multiple free applications that you can use to have a voice conversion with. Ask yourself why your partner never talks to you verbally? Red flag.
- Only provides extremely limited or vague information about their real lives. If you're trying to get to know a person and are thinking about entering into a BDSM dynamic, you have to know about their real life. This type of information is important to start a foundation of trust but also for establishing rules, tasks and protocols.
- Always making excuses as to why they missed contacting you. Say you have a set time to chat, text, or instant message your partner but they always have some excuse as to why they missed it, this is a red flag. Does your partner have a sister in rehab – but then they are suddenly in jail?
Maintaining an Online Relationship
Once you have established a good online connection built with a solid foundation, it's important that you work to maintain it. Being in an online only relationship can be difficult, so here are some tips to help you stay connected.
- Speak or video chat every day for at least an hour. While you may maintain some form of contact through text messages, it's much more intimate to hear and see the other person.
- Avoid distractions while you are talking to your Dominant/submissive. If you are eating, watching tv, talking to friends or family members, your attention is divided and makes the other person feel that they are not as important to you as what you are physically doing.
- Implement a sense of closeness. If you're a Dominant, send a message reinforcing your commitment to guide and protect your sub. If you're a submissive, send photos and messages showing tasks completed or rules followed to assure your Dominant that you are his even with the distance between you.
- Keep an air of random spicy expectation. Send messages to your submissive demanding they remove underwear suddenly. Send your Dominant a picture that teases them. In both cases, make sure you don't get them into trouble at work or in real life.
- Always remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates. Celebrate them with virtual cards or by sending gifts.
- Stay involved with your partner's real life as much as possible. Celebrate, grieve, be happy, cry, everything with them just as you would if you were there in person.
- Misunderstandings can happen more easily online that in person because it's harder to get our points across when we're not face to face. Before getting mad and jumping to conclusions, ask specific questions to clarify what the other person was trying to say. This should be done via video chat if possible because it makes it easier to judge facial expressions while working out problems that arise.
- Don't live the relationship out in the open, like on Facebook pages or Twitter, more than you do in private. What I mean is, it's fine to post pictures and comments about your devotion to each other, but make sure you privately relay that same sentiment when no one is looking.
- Always be open and honest about what you're feeling.
Punishments for Online Only Dynamics
If punishment is a part of the way you practice BDSM, it's even more important that you maintain consistency with rules, rewards, and punishments. I highly recommend that you make a contract detailing rules, punishments and protocols so that neither person is surprised or broadsided by the actions or behavior of the other. For some ideas in how to punish your submissive if and when it may be needed, check out my detailed blog post Punishments in BDSM Relationships.
In conclusion, make sure you know the person well before investing time, energy, and emotions into an online BDSM dynamic. Look for warning signs or red flags, keep an open and honest line of communication with them, and don't be in a rush!
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Over the past few years, I have had the privilege of mentoring and advising many types of people on BDSM in general, but mainly on submission within a Lifestyle dynamic. I have been asked all the normal questions of how, what, where, why as well as some that made me really have to think and pull the answer from deep within me.
I have seen a huge rise in people making up new labels and definitions that, in my own opinion, have absolutely nothing to do with being a true submissive. Before you get mad, just keep reading to understand what I mean.
Throughout human history, you can find records and pictures showing all kinds of kinky sex play, many being the origins of what is now known as S&M. Our culture has also always had a form of Dominant/submissive relationship embedded into it from actual slave ownership in ancient times to the 'men are the head of the household' of late 20th century America. Now, you have BDSM. It's always been Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and Switch (all gender neutral). You are asking what does the history lesson have to do with the Lifestyle? Well, if you do your homework, you will see that submissives have always been submissive.
Let's step back into the typical 1950's American household. The husband worked. The wife cooked, cleaned and did everything to make her husband happy. If the wife did something that was outside the husband's house rules, she was usually spanked or punished in some other way, and I'm not talking abuse. But the wife would never step outside her submissive role that she had married into when she married her dominant husband.
These past couple of years have brought up all kinds of new terms and people trying to redefine what BDSM is, the roles, the dynamics, and the actual definitions of those roles. I have seen new titles such as Warrior Princes, Primal, Alpha Sub, and many more used in place of submissive or slave. By their very names and meanings, this is not how to describe a submissive, especially in a BDSM dynamic.
Yes, every relationship and contract is different. Yes, everyone's thoughts, rules and contracts differ widely. I read several times in groups on social media web sites that a submissive didn't like the punishment she was given. There was a submissive that acted out and enraged her dominant just to get a spanking. His punishment wasn't a spanking but corner time. She was mad about that and said she 'deserved' a spanking. Apparently she doesn't understand being a submissive, having agreed to punishments, that her dominant is the one that decides what is to be doled out at the time it's needed.
So many of the new types of submissives out there love topping from the bottom even though I don't think they realize it. One person wrote to me saying they did something they knew was against their rules, they got a punishment of spanking. As the spanking was being delivered, they went through a myriad of 'head spaces' from infant, to toddler, older child and then pre-teen. They said at the end of the spanking punishment, they threw a giant fit and felt worse instead of feeling better. First of all, a punishment isn't used to make you feel better. It's used to deter a submissive from doing that same wrong thing again in the future. A few red flags went up when I read about this situation. The whole 'changing head spaces' excuse is total bullshit to me. Unless you have a multiple personality disorder, there's no way you would be able to process going from one head space to another. Then there's the part where the sub was 'even angrier' after the punishment was delivered. You don't get mad after being punished for something you did wrong, especially when you understand you did break a rule. If this person were a true submissive, they would feel remorse and go out of their way in the future not to repeat that same thing.
It amazes me that I have read supposed submissives say they say No to their Dominants anytime they want to. If there is a valid reason, ok, no problem. But, if a sub is sitting on the couch reading a book, the Dominant asks them to go fetch a glass of water, the sub should put the book down, get the water, present it to their Dominant, and return to reading. There should be no bad feelings associated with it. If the sub asks the dominant to wait just a second for them to finish up a paragraph, then ok. But a flat out refusal for no good reason, only because they don't want to? That is absolutely not submissive behavior. That is a red flag sign of a fake submissive.
I have seen so many people calling themselves Warrior Princesses and Alpha Subs. These terms are not accepted in the real world BDSM community. Not in any that I know of. While Alpha Sub has been around for a while, its original meaning has become convoluted. People are taking it to mean they are a leader, one that bows down to no one. If you are that, then you are not submissive. Let's be clear, everything I'm talking about is within the confines of a BDSM relationship. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but once you are in that role of submissive in a BDSM situation, you are submissive. You will present and act as a true submissive does.
To sum up my rambling thoughts, here is what I think a True Submissive is versus a faker. These are the traits that submissives in a BDSM relationship usually have when it comes to their dynamic with their Dominant.
These are how I think of submissives. If you don't fit every line in the list above, am I saying you aren't a submissive? No. I'm just saying you might need to reevaluate your thoughts and your own place in the BDSM lifestyle. I am also not referring to Sexual Submissives. Those are people that only submit during sexual situations.
For a look into our beliefs of BDSM in general, read To Thine Own Self Be True .
Feel free to comment below and add your thoughts to this. I'm always open to hearing other's opinions, even if they are completely opposite of my own.
I have seen a huge rise in people making up new labels and definitions that, in my own opinion, have absolutely nothing to do with being a true submissive. Before you get mad, just keep reading to understand what I mean.
Throughout human history, you can find records and pictures showing all kinds of kinky sex play, many being the origins of what is now known as S&M. Our culture has also always had a form of Dominant/submissive relationship embedded into it from actual slave ownership in ancient times to the 'men are the head of the household' of late 20th century America. Now, you have BDSM. It's always been Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and Switch (all gender neutral). You are asking what does the history lesson have to do with the Lifestyle? Well, if you do your homework, you will see that submissives have always been submissive.
Let's step back into the typical 1950's American household. The husband worked. The wife cooked, cleaned and did everything to make her husband happy. If the wife did something that was outside the husband's house rules, she was usually spanked or punished in some other way, and I'm not talking abuse. But the wife would never step outside her submissive role that she had married into when she married her dominant husband.
These past couple of years have brought up all kinds of new terms and people trying to redefine what BDSM is, the roles, the dynamics, and the actual definitions of those roles. I have seen new titles such as Warrior Princes, Primal, Alpha Sub, and many more used in place of submissive or slave. By their very names and meanings, this is not how to describe a submissive, especially in a BDSM dynamic.
Yes, every relationship and contract is different. Yes, everyone's thoughts, rules and contracts differ widely. I read several times in groups on social media web sites that a submissive didn't like the punishment she was given. There was a submissive that acted out and enraged her dominant just to get a spanking. His punishment wasn't a spanking but corner time. She was mad about that and said she 'deserved' a spanking. Apparently she doesn't understand being a submissive, having agreed to punishments, that her dominant is the one that decides what is to be doled out at the time it's needed.
So many of the new types of submissives out there love topping from the bottom even though I don't think they realize it. One person wrote to me saying they did something they knew was against their rules, they got a punishment of spanking. As the spanking was being delivered, they went through a myriad of 'head spaces' from infant, to toddler, older child and then pre-teen. They said at the end of the spanking punishment, they threw a giant fit and felt worse instead of feeling better. First of all, a punishment isn't used to make you feel better. It's used to deter a submissive from doing that same wrong thing again in the future. A few red flags went up when I read about this situation. The whole 'changing head spaces' excuse is total bullshit to me. Unless you have a multiple personality disorder, there's no way you would be able to process going from one head space to another. Then there's the part where the sub was 'even angrier' after the punishment was delivered. You don't get mad after being punished for something you did wrong, especially when you understand you did break a rule. If this person were a true submissive, they would feel remorse and go out of their way in the future not to repeat that same thing.
It amazes me that I have read supposed submissives say they say No to their Dominants anytime they want to. If there is a valid reason, ok, no problem. But, if a sub is sitting on the couch reading a book, the Dominant asks them to go fetch a glass of water, the sub should put the book down, get the water, present it to their Dominant, and return to reading. There should be no bad feelings associated with it. If the sub asks the dominant to wait just a second for them to finish up a paragraph, then ok. But a flat out refusal for no good reason, only because they don't want to? That is absolutely not submissive behavior. That is a red flag sign of a fake submissive.
I have seen so many people calling themselves Warrior Princesses and Alpha Subs. These terms are not accepted in the real world BDSM community. Not in any that I know of. While Alpha Sub has been around for a while, its original meaning has become convoluted. People are taking it to mean they are a leader, one that bows down to no one. If you are that, then you are not submissive. Let's be clear, everything I'm talking about is within the confines of a BDSM relationship. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but once you are in that role of submissive in a BDSM situation, you are submissive. You will present and act as a true submissive does.
To sum up my rambling thoughts, here is what I think a True Submissive is versus a faker. These are the traits that submissives in a BDSM relationship usually have when it comes to their dynamic with their Dominant.
- Someone that feels the need to submit to another person
- Someone that feels the pull and pride to serve
- Someone that always speaks truth to their Dominant about their feelings and situations
- Someone that doesn't bounce around from Dominant to Dominant every other week.
- Someone that follows the rules and protocols set forth by their Dominant
- Someone that doesn't break the rules on purpose to goad their Dominant into punishment
- Someone that learns from their mistakes and tries their best not to repeat them
- Someone that takes punishments with grace and feels moves forward without lingering bad feelings
- Someone that puts their Dominant's needs above their own
- Someone that always tries to anticipate how they can make their Dominant's life easier by doing things they were never expected or asked to do
These are how I think of submissives. If you don't fit every line in the list above, am I saying you aren't a submissive? No. I'm just saying you might need to reevaluate your thoughts and your own place in the BDSM lifestyle. I am also not referring to Sexual Submissives. Those are people that only submit during sexual situations.
For a look into our beliefs of BDSM in general, read To Thine Own Self Be True .
Feel free to comment below and add your thoughts to this. I'm always open to hearing other's opinions, even if they are completely opposite of my own.
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