--> BDSM Unveiled

Wax play is a form of temperature play practiced in a BDSM context. The idea of wax play is to introduce a slight burning sensation to the skin. This is considered a moderately advanced form of play. If done wrong, wax play can cause burns severe enough to require medical attention. Keep in mind different body parts have a different tolerance towards wax.

BDSM Wax Play

This tolerance is highly personal and isn’t as obvious as you may think. I’ve seen subs beg for mercy from wax on their abs and the same sub beg for more from wax on their balls. There are some really nasty nooks and crannies on the body for wax but self-preservation prevents me from telling where they are.

Wax cools and solidifies on the body, more wax needs longer to cool, so it burns longer and skin is longer exposed to heat. Be aware of that before filling up the bellybutton in one go. Also, beware of splattering. And this should go without saying, but never drip candle wax on the face. Splattering in the eyes can blind. And also never pour hot candle wax inside a bodily orifice. Keeping it to the outside is fine.

Types of Wax

Types of Wax

  1. Scented candles are paraffin wax mixed with oil and burn at 120 F. These are the typical kind you’ll find in retail stores.
  2.  Pure paraffin wax candles burn at about 135 F. Most unscented white candles are this.
  3. Beeswax candles burn at 145 F. These are the kind sold as tea candles or storm candles, where the point is to be a bright light source for a long time. Some beeswax candles mixed with stearin can burn at 170 F and up. These would be marketed as industrial strength long-lasting, bright lighting candles.
  4. Soy wax candles are the safest of the above for a number of reasons. The melting temperature is, typically, between 135 and 145 F, but cools quickly on contact and makes for a much easier clean up than paraffin. A major benefit over paraffin is that it is not carcinogenic as soy wax is produced using soy beans. It is also less likely to cause skin irritation.

Preparing for Play

  1. A thin film of mineral oil or even baby oil on any skin to be waxed makes removal much easier and can be a fun erotic piece of the scene in itself.
  2. Spread an old sheet or tarp over the play area, to protect your carpet or furniture
  3. Bring a flat hard surface near to the play area to hold your candles, wax pots and other toys securely – this helps avoid spills (unwanted spills) and prevents accidents, like tipped-over candles, etc.
  4. Put a romantic or edgy CD on continuous loop, so that you don’t have to stop the scene to put in another piece of music. Once you are fully engaged with your partner in the erotic wax play scene, stopping abruptly can cause major ‘sub drop’! (Sub drop is also known as submissive drop and can be extremely upsetting, emotionally).
  5. Gather all your scene stuff before beginning play – wet washcloths or towels for instant cooling of wax, ice in a bowl, a mini-fire extinguisher you can purchase from any auto parts store, and anything else you can think of to keep your submissive and your home safe.

Wax removal can be tedious but stretching/compressing the skin a bit will loosen the wax blobs significantly. Wax and hair make for pain play you might not have planned: body hair can be somewhat protected from wax, and cleanup made easier, by coating the hairs with baby oil or mineral oil before wax play begins.

Precautions when using wax


  1. People vary tremendously in pain tolerance when it comes to temperature play. One person will barely feel it, while another one finds it unbearably excruciating. There’s no way to tell ahead of time.
  2. Body areas will also vary widely by pain sensitivity. A drop on your arm feels cooler than a drop on your butt, and so on.
  3. Some people are flat out allergic to most of the additives in candles. Typically if a person has an allergic reaction to perfumes or tree nuts, they should skip the candles too.
  4. No matter how much a subject may enjoy this, be advised that some people scar from wax play, especially with a hotter candle such as beeswax.
  5. Some skin conditions make people more prone to scar from candles or lose some skin when the wax is removed. These range from recent sunburn to eczema.
  6. Some medications make people more sensitives to candle wax. These include blood-pressure medication and steroids, among other.

Just do your research and take every precaution possible before engaging in any type of advanced play.

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Maintaining a relationship in today's society can be difficult even in normal situations because we have many obligations and life in general is hectic. With the rise in technology, how we meet potential partners has changed. Twenty years ago, people met partners through friends, blind dates, or just by chance run-ins at a bar/supermarket/other social gathering. In today's world, the internet has changed how society interacts with one another. We have many people using social media and dating apps to find a potential partner to date or just to hookup with.

Online Long Distance BDSM Relationships

In the BDSM community, an entire new branch has developed. Many people are learning about and practicing a form of BDSM online, without ever meeting their Dominant/submissive in person. These types of relationships consist mostly of 90% mental submission and 10% physical submission. The mental submission usually appears in the form of the submissive showing his/her submission by performing tasks assigned by the Dominant. The Dominant usually gives the sub a set of rules to follow that are compatible with the sub's real life and has minimal impact on real life obligations. They usually maintain contact through email, instant messages, and text messages several times a day. Some even go as far as to use a tracking software on the cellphone of the submissive to ensure that the sub is exactly where he/she says they will be.

While many of these relationships never last much longer than a a few weeks, others grow and last for years. There are many Old Guard practitioners of BDSM that don't consider online only D/s or M/s as a true form of the BDSM umbrella. Their thoughts are that if you are never with your partner in person, then true domination and submission can't happen. You can't see whether or not the submissive follows all the rules and tasks or if they take short cuts and simply lie about a task being completed. Although I'm a firm believer in the OG ways, I have also learned to keep an open mind and adapt my views of the ever changing community and accepted online only BDSM Dynamics as real relationships.

Internet relationships

There are a lot of people that use the internet as a fantasy just to have a distraction from their real life problems. But, when a real connection happens, emotions get involved and the pair start getting closer. Trust is established and their connection becomes deeper. A couple can be as committed and faithful to each other as their real life counterparts. If you've never been in this type of dynamic, you can't understand the commitment that exists between the participants.

While I support online BDSM relationships, I also advise caution when meeting and getting to know your potential partner (Dominant or submissive). Take your time to really get to know the other person. Learn their thoughts on BDSM Limits, their goals for an online only relationship, how they view these types of relationships and details about their everyday lives. You want to make sure you're compatible with each other in a BDSM setting but also in a normal setting as well. For example, you ask about their views on certain Lifestyle subjects and find out that you're both on the same page. Then, since we never just stick to only BDSM related subjects, you move to politics as a topic of discussion. You find out that his/her beliefs are completely different from your own. These are things that honestly can make or break a friendship and even some relationships. The more you know about the other person before actually engaging in a BDSM dynamic will help you maintain a stronger, longer lasting online relationship.

Online Relationship Red Flag Warnings

Warning Signs and Red Flags to look out for. 

Now, we all know that there are a lot of creepy stalker people whose goals are to tag a victim and either mentally/emotionally abuse them, or to try to perform some type of fraud, such as stealing bank account information or identity theft. Here are some things you need to look for that should be red flags when starting to get to know the person.

  1. Extravagant Life stories. If you are hearing a bunch of stories (because that's what they are most of the time) and not a lot of it seems realistic, this is a warning sign!
  2. Refuses to video chat. If they have an excuse every time you ask them to video chat, then I would see this as a red flag. Most devices now have some sort of camera on them and there are just too many free apps available to use that continually refusing video chats is a warning that things are not as they would have you believe.
  3. No updated profile pictures. While many people don't update their profile pics just because they like the one they have already, it shouldn't stop them from at least sending a current pic to you. If they refuse or continually make excuses, it may not even be them in the picture.
  4. Refuses all voice contact. If you want talk but it's too expensive because of distance, there are multiple free applications that you can use to have a voice conversion with. Ask yourself why your partner never talks to you verbally? Red flag.
  5. Only provides extremely limited or vague information about their real lives. If you're trying to get to know a person and are thinking about entering into a BDSM dynamic, you have to know about their real life. This type of information is important to start a foundation of trust but also for establishing rules, tasks and protocols. 
  6. Always making excuses as to why they missed contacting you. Say you have a set time to chat, text, or instant message your partner but they always have some excuse as to why they missed it, this is a red flag. Does your partner have a sister in rehab – but then they are suddenly in jail? 

Maintaining an Online Relationship  

Once you have established a good online connection built with a solid foundation, it's important that you work to maintain it. Being in an online only relationship can be difficult, so here are some tips to help you stay connected.

  1. Speak or video chat every day for at least an hour. While you may maintain some form of contact through text messages, it's much more intimate to hear and see the other person.
  2. Avoid distractions while you are talking to your Dominant/submissive. If you are eating, watching tv, talking to friends or family members, your attention is divided and makes the other person feel that they are not as important to you as what you are physically doing.
  3. Implement a sense of closeness. If you're a Dominant, send a message reinforcing your commitment to guide and protect your sub. If you're a submissive, send photos and messages showing tasks completed or rules followed to assure your Dominant that you are his even with the distance between you.
  4. Keep an air of random spicy expectation. Send messages to your submissive demanding they remove underwear suddenly. Send your Dominant a picture that teases them. In both cases, make sure you don't get them into trouble at work or in real life.  
  5. Always remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates. Celebrate them with virtual cards or by sending gifts.
  6. Stay involved with your partner's real life as much as possible. Celebrate, grieve, be happy, cry, everything with them just as you would if you were there in person.
  7. Misunderstandings can happen more easily online that in person because it's harder to get our points across when we're not face to face. Before getting mad and jumping to conclusions, ask specific questions to clarify what the other person was trying to say. This should be done via video chat if possible because it makes it easier to judge facial expressions while working out problems that arise. 
  8. Don't live the relationship out in the open, like on Facebook pages or Twitter, more than you do in private. What I mean is, it's fine to post pictures and comments about your devotion to each other, but make sure you privately relay that same sentiment when no one is looking.
  9. Always be open and honest about what you're feeling.

Punishments for Online Submissives

Punishments for Online Only Dynamics 

If punishment is a part of the way you practice BDSM, it's even more important that you maintain consistency with rules, rewards, and punishments. I highly recommend that you make a contract detailing rules, punishments and protocols so that neither person is surprised or broadsided by the actions or behavior of the other. For some ideas in how to punish your submissive if and when it may be needed, check out my detailed blog post Punishments in BDSM Relationships.

In conclusion, make sure you know the person well before investing time, energy, and emotions into an online BDSM dynamic. Look for warning signs or red flags, keep an open and honest line of communication with them, and don't be in a rush!    

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You know, when your 'get up and go' has 'got up and went' before you ever get out of bed, it's going to be a bad day. As with many other days, that sentence explains the past few days for me. As a BDSM slave, it makes me feel bad emotionally and mentally to not be able to live up to my normal expectations of myself. In turn, these negative feelings make my brain and body operate on an even worse level than they already were. 

Guilt, Chronic Illness in BDSM

Even when I don't feel good, I am always able to help Padrone at least in some small ways. When I can't, I try to wake him up and get his coffee before work. Doing the smallest things for him makes me happy and makes me feel useful. As a slave, heck as a person, I need and want to feel useful. Many times, I hide away from the world when I'm sick because I feel like if I can't help myself, if I'm feeling all down and negative, why let people see that? I think there's too much negativity in the world already and don't want to add to it by complaining about my health issues. 

But, when I don't answer people right away, when I see the comments, tags, emails, and messages trying to get in touch with me, I feel guilty for not responding, even though I had a very legitimate reason to not to. How do I get myself out of feeling this guilty cycle? How can I feel better while taking care of my own needs?

Stop Feeling Guilty

I have to follow what Padrone has taught me. I have to listen and not think. Padrone always tells me to take it easy during the times my epilepsy is acting up. He tells me to not worry about him, chores, the dogs, or our followers. He tells me to concentrate on myself and my own needs because those are what my priority has to be when I'm not feeling good. How can I take care of someone else's needs when my own haven't been take care of? 

Over the past few years, I have finally started to understand this and allowed myself the time I need between bouts of illness. I take the time out and recover much quicker. After sleeping or relaxing, my brain and attitude are much better and I'm able to go back to my primary mission, which is to help Padrone and help others in the world of BDSM. 

As bottoms, submissives and slaves, we are always putting the needs of our Dominants over our own, which we should when we are in the right head space and health space to do so. But, we also have to realize that we need to take care of our own needs too because we can't serve and give our best to our Dominants if we are not feeling well. 

Keep a positive attitude

With all this above, what I want to say is: understand yourself and your limits. It's good to push those limits, because it helps us to get stronger. But at the same time, we need to know just how far our limits can be pushed. Mental and emotional health are very important factors to keep track of, just as we monitor our body's physical health. Don't put the entire burden of your health on your Dominant. Be hyper aware of your mental state, as well as your physical state. This will help you to learn more about yourself and possibly help you to maintain a more balanced and healthy lifestyle. 

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February is a significant month for many reasons. In the USA, it's devoted to Black History. Many countries around the world celebrate an Independence Day during this month also. But, the most widely known and celebrated day would have to be February 14th, St. Valentine's Day. It is a day where people show their loved ones affection through special presents or other gestures. Many weddings, new couples, and other loving, romantic pairings happen on this special day.

BDSM Relationships Began Out of Depression or Loneliness

On the other hand, there are many negative effects that Valentine's Day can have. In 2014, sixty percent of single people polled in the UK indicated that they have negative feelings towards this day. Forty percent of singles ages 18-26 have reported increased bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide. In the USA, thirty-five percent of single adults questioned said they have tried 'other than traditional' methods of meeting someone. Many of these singles have taken to the internet as an alternative means to finding their significant other/partner because they feel that other, more traditional methods have failed them.

After reading erotica books, watching BDSM based movies and in some cases, researching, people are turning to online BDSM forums and groups in hopes of meeting 'Mr. Right or Ms. Right', or in this case 'Master Right or Slave Right'. While some adults start their journey into the world of BDSM by dipping their toe in first and gradually working their way up into participating more with other like minded people in discussion forums and groups, others are jumping all in without any caution for their own safety. They label themselves Dominant or submissive and start trolling any and all groups they can in efforts to obtain a partner Dominant/submissive while knowing little to nothing about the BDSM Lifestyle, roles, protocols, or rules and making no efforts to vet the person they are considering getting into a TPE (total power exchange) dynamic with.

Desperate search for online partner

I have seen many people who identify as submissives so desperate for a companion, that they literally make an alias account on social media and start sending messages to every Dom they can find asking them to take them on as their sub. In some of these cases, especially if the Dominant is ethical and experienced, they will inform the submissive that this is completely inappropriate behavior, caution them to not approach random people offering complete and blind submission to a stranger, and ask them to not contact them again. While there are many good Dominants of this caliber, there are an even number of unscrupulous people that will pretend to be a Dominant and will accept any and all offers of submission from complete strangers. These predators are usually someone just looking for online fantasy role play, sadists looking to harm another person for self gratification, or a truly abusive person, be it mentally, physically or both, wanting to find their next victim.

If you are looking for a Dominant/submissive, especially if you are having feelings of desperation, depression, and/or loneliness, never rush into any relationship, online or real life, without first getting to know that person. If you are new to the BDSM community, do your research! Make sure you understand the basic roles, rules and protocols most Dominants/submissives follow. Be proactive and research Soft and Hard Limits. Find and fill in your own Limits Worksheet so when you do find a potential partner, you already have a completed list of items indicating things you are willing and not willing to do or try. Find online blogs and websites with various views of how they practice BDSM and learn from them. Incorporate things you like and take note of those you don't. This knowledge will help when vetting people for either scene only scenarios or relationships. It will also help you spot fake dominants before they can get too far into a conversation with you.

Knowledge is the key

Never enter a relationship while feeling desperate. This leads to nothing but misery down the road. If you are depressed and looking for a Dominant, I urge you to take time for yourself first and become comfortable being single. If you can't be ok being alone and feel you have to have a partner, I don't know if you are ready to fully give yourself to someone as a submissive. Submission should bring feelings of joy and accomplishment. It should fill a need to serve a Dominant. It should be given to someone that makes your heart sing, your head filled with calm and soothing thoughts, and in your soul just feels right. It should not be given to a Dom in a desperate attempt to calm feelings of depression or loneliness. These relationships usually end up with a very needy person trying to be submissive but being more bratty because they never feel that their Dominant is giving them enough attention. They also hardly ever last more than a month, especially if it's an online only relationship.

If you are Dominant and you are in that very emotional situation, I also urge you to take time for yourself  becoming comfortable being single. If you are not ok being alone with yourself, how can you be the Dominant of a submissive that need you to be protective and to understand their needs.
Follow the same precautions that I outlined for submissives.

If you want to meet them in person, follow the basic safety measures I have outlined in the blog post First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life. These simple steps could be the difference in saving your own life. I'm not trying to scare you off from online dating, but I am trying to instill a sense of precaution.

Proceed with caution

While beginning and maintaining an online-only BDSM relationship can be mentally and emotionally fulfilling, if cautions are not taken with whomever you get into a dynamic with from the start, it can be very damaging as well. Please follow the simple suggestions I've made above, especially if you are new to the Lifestyle. It will save you much heartache in the end.

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Valentine's Day is right around the corner and many in the BDSM community are trying to figure out what kind of kinky present they can buy for their partner. If you search the internet, you will see all kinds of posts and guides that tell you go buy lingerie, lubes, bondage equipment, collars, whips, floggers, and the list just goes on and on. I haven't seen one post about not buying a kink related present and just doing something that would probably mean more to your partner than actually spending a lot of money on them.

Simple BDSM Valentines Day ideas

Here are some alternative ideas that won't cost you anything but time and effort.

Digital picture slide show or scrapbook
Gather pictures of your partner or the two of you together and make a slide show with music and text on the pictures. There are many free applications that you can use on a tablet or computer to accomplish this. It takes a little time and effort but your partner will have a keepsake that will last forever.

IOU Love tickets

Write out a number of 'tickets' for favors. Take some paper (decorated or plain) and write down several services that you will perform for your partner On Demand when presented with the 'ticket'. You can use things like foot rub, back rub, special dinner, or performing some chore that your partner normally does. Just be creative. The number of 'tickets' you make is totally up to you. 

Romantic dinner
Cook a simple dinner. Have someone watch the kids, or get them to bed early if you have kids, set a table with candles and flowers and serve the meal. This will give you time to talk and connect with your partner that you may not do on a normal basis.

Spa night. Wash her hair.
Give your partner an at home spa night. Run a bath with bubbles and candle light and serve them wine while they are relaxing in the tub. Wash their hair. Massage their scalp while washing the hair. After the tub, give them an all over body massage with oil or lotion. You can get really creative with this so that it can lead to more intimate situations. 

Basically, use your imagination and get creative. You don't have to do the whole cliche flowers, candy, and a card to make a special day. Nor do you have to spend a lot of money to make the holiday memorable. Do something that comes from your heart and your partner will love the time and effort you spent getting it ready. 

Happy Valentine's Day from Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi! 

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I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.

A Real BDSM Fairy Tale Come True - Part 3

After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.

I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.

He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.

My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.

He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.

The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.

I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out

Needless to say, my soon-to-be (hopefully) ex-Husband has done many things to me in attempts to torment and torture me any way he could. He has kept me from speaking to my kids out of revenge. He blocked my numbers and messages from their phones and then denies it. When asked, my boys thought I had given up on talking to them. But on the rare occasions I do get to connect to them, I reiterate many times how much I love them and want to stay in touch with them as much as possible.

As of this post, January 2017, I have been waiting 5 years and 5 months for a divorce and have not received one yet, despite constant pleadings and promises of filing. He never filed and I am beginning to wonder if he ever will. I think that he is holding out giving me the divorce because it is the only thing he can control besides access to my kids. He is such a narcissist that he really does think he should have control over every aspect of people he comes into contact with.

I am very happy with my life here in Italy with Padrone and know that we have many more years of bliss together as we keep exploring the different aspects of our dynamic and life itself.

Find happiness when and where you can, but also be prepared for all the implications and ramifications your happiness may cost others as you forge your own way through life.

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We have all been there. Sitting on your computer, browsing the latest posts and comments in one or more of your favorite BDSM related groups. You see some good questions. You read some great replies. Then you stumble to a halt in your scrolling and have to reread a post or comment again just to make sure you read it right the first time. When you are sure you did read it correctly, you start thinking, "What the heck?" and "Did somebody really just write that?" This is when you really start to wonder if the people in that group are actually there for the right reasons.

BDSM Group Etiquette on Social Media

I have actually left many groups over the past year or more because the groups became stagnant, cliquish, filled with people only wanting to hook up, or people mostly bragging and complaining about any and everything having to do with their life. Now, I'm not saying that every group has to be the same or that there can't be fun to be had. I am saying that groups should have a set of rules and people should follow a certain etiquette to ensure the ongoing debates and inclusive feeling of the group instead of making people feel excluded.

Here is a list I consider to be essential when partaking in online group activities:

Net etiquette

Posting in a Group

  • When you write a post, do not complain about your partner or make your partner look bad, especially when that partner is not in the same group. If you are asking for advice about a situation concerning that partner, do it in the most possible respectful way because you would not want that same partner to talk about you in a disrespectful manner behind your back. 
  • Do not write a post that is all whiney or desperate and then don't state what the matter is. If you are sad, mad or feeling some other emotion and feel the need to share it in a post, don't leave people in the group hanging. State your entire problem/emotion/feelings in the initial post instead of fishing for comments. It just makes you look like an Attention Seeker (would use a different name but I'm trying to keep it civil).
  • Unless it is specifically written that it is OK to do so, Do Not post pictures of yourself half naked or in some kind of 'sexy' pose. You look desperate to most people in the group and you are demeaning yourself. If you want people to look at you, post all the pictures you want on your own home page, but groups are not the place to do it. 
  • Don't share every detail of your sex life. People do not want to constantly hear about your many sexual adventures or how many orgasms you had. 
  • Don't be overly affectionate about your partner. For the ones that have a partner (Dom or sub), it's totally fine to sing their praises every once in a while. But to post how much you love your partner, how perfect they are, how proud of them you are, etc etc..... 500 times a day in the same group, that is just too much! 
  • Don't post pictures of your partner that make them look bad, ugly, silly, or anything but good, especially when that partner doesn't know you posted the picture. 
Commenting on Another Person's Post
  • If you have a different opinion than what someone wrote, present your opinion in a concise respectful manner and not in a childish bullying way. Make sure your comment sounds more like a debate versus an argument. Groups are not a place to argue like 5 year olds on a school play ground. It is a place where different people should be able to state their own opinions on different subjects without the fear of reprisal. 
  • Don't intentionally bait people. Don't write reply or write something that you know will intentionally piss someone off. That starts arguments and makes it very uncomfortable for others in the group. 
  • Read the original post more than once to ensure you are commenting in a knowledgeable way and not commenting about something that is totally unrelated. This can lead to many arguments and misunderstandings.

Net etiquette

In general, be very careful about what you post because it can always come back to haunt you. Be respectful and don't get mad every time someone has a different opinion from your own. If you have nothing constructive or nice to say about a post, just keep scrolling on by. 

Though the above list are the things that come to my own mind and are of my own opinion when I have read/commented/posted in groups, they do not cover every facet or instance that could happen. Please leave your own additions and comments below! 

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Envy is defined as a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or life. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone). Let's face it, most of us get envious when we see how other people portray their lives online. They talk about how perfect their relationships are, how much money their partner spends on them and generally how the grass is always greener on their side of life. Many people do this to gain attention while others try to make up a fantasy world that is not a real representation of their actual daily lives.

Dealing with Envy in BDSM

This is no different when it comes to the world of BDSM. You can go into pretty much any Lifestyle related group and find any number of posts bragging about how 'submissive A' has the best Dominant because of blank blank reason. In my experience, I have realized that it is mainly submissive females that are always trying to 'Out Submissive' all the other subs in their environment.

Online Bragging in BDSMThere are Dominants out there that do brag about things, but if you really pay attention, it is normally subs that are the ones who try to make others jealous and envious of their relationships. Don't be like them and don't fall into that trap!

I know, as a dedicated submissive, most of you are very happy and proud of your BDSM dynamic and want to share it with the world. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. It's not. However, there is a huge difference in bragging and trying to show off to your friends online versus simply stating how much you love and are devoted to your dominant partner. 

I admit I have had envious thoughts throughout my life and a longing for the dynamic that I have now. Before meeting Padrone, I had been in different D/s dynamics, but never any deeply serious ones as compared to the one I am in now. I always wanted a Dominant that would take care of me, guide me, love me, and allow me to be myself in all ways. I read about so many relationships that were like that and I wondered why I couldn't find it. Why could I not have that?

Well, after I started paying more attention to these 'perfect' online relationships, I realized that they never seemed to last over a few months. If they were so perfect, why were they not in it for the long haul? The answer is simple. They weren't perfect. They were far from it. The people involved mainly had what I call a 'look at me' type of relationship. 

Grass is NOT GreenerWhat is a 'look at me' type of relationship? I define it as those relationships or online dynamics where one or both partners are constantly talking about how much they love the other one; how they can't live without each other; and how neither of them ever have any problems with the other. These are couples that have the continuous need to express really private feelings and information online for the entire world to see. They are usually overly zealous in telling each other how wonderful they are together and how there is no one else that could ever take their place. These are also the same couples that usually end up trading in their partner for another one and start showing the world those exact same tendencies with the new person.

Feeling envy is a natural human emotion. If left unchecked though, it can get out of hand and have a negative impact on your life and your emotions. If you feel envious of other people's lives, sit back and look at your own life. 

Don't Compare your life to Others.
Envious thoughts in a submissive only lead to bad things. The submissive journey should be one filled with as much happiness as possible. Being envious can and will affect your daily life, your ability to submit fully to your Dominant partner, as well as have a huge negative impact on your emotions and thoughts. 

How can you overcome the negativity of envious thoughts?
  • Shift your focus to the goodness in your life.
  • Remind yourself that nobody has it all.
  • Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. (Especially monetary and materialistic things)
  • Spend time with grateful people.
  • Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame.
  • Celebrate the success of others.

Right now, you may not be in the type of relationship you want or living the life you dreamed of having. You may covet the dynamic or life you see others depict online, but you have to be thankful first for your life, including everything and everyone in it. 

Start to turn your own life around and the happiness you want will follow.  

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I can't believe how fast 2016 has come and gone. So much has happened this year. If you keep up with world events, you know about all the wars and acts of terrorism that has plagued so many countries and innocents. The crazy political race in the USA, the rise of racism and the feeling that the world is devolving instead of evolving. To sum it up, this past year sucked.

New Year's BDSM

I have been agonizing over how to write an inspirational post for year's end and have almost pulled all my hair out trying to come up with an upbeat topic or theme. I tried and failed. Finally, after discussing it in depth with my Padrone, he told me to write what I feel and just get it out there. So, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I found myself dealing with my own personal health issues more than normal. I couldn't concentrate like I wanted to on the world of BDSM, my writing, and the blog. I admit that a lot of the year I floated along, not really feeling or able to drudge up the intense feeling I always have had for the lifestyle. Instead, I was focused more on world events and my own family.

Thank youPadrone has been my rock and a constant source of support no matter how bad I felt or how far I veered from my own submissive path. He has loved and guided me through some dark times and been there for me for the beautiful ones. He helped me think through situations and answer questions I just didn't have answers for.

I have had the support of many friends, but one in particular has been that shoulder I leaned on and my sounding board when needed. Sharon has been my own personal cheerleader, even when I lost faith in my own abilities. Many of my articles this past year were inspired by conversations I had with her. I couldn't have ever asked for a better, unwavering friend than this special lady.

When I write posts, I feel like I have to try to make them BDSM related as well as educational. I always also try to write inspirational words to help people that may be struggling in life. But what happens when the one that writes the inspirational words has nothing to say? What do I do then? I ended up doing nothing. I didn't write. I went for weeks and even months staring at blank pages. For me, my writing is a source that people from around the world can read and connect to their own personal situation that they may be encountering at that time. It's something to help guide and inspire them to a different path.

In years past, the internet was always hopping with new people asking questions, interested in really learning about what the BDSM lifestyle could possibly offer them. There was a constant influx of new questions, curiosity seekers, fake and real dominant and submissives. You could go to any number of groups and find ongoing discussions of any number of various topics. This past year has dwindled to a trickle of people and so many pages and groups across all forms of social media have dried up. Now, it seems like people are mostly complaining about what they don't like or showing off what they have that others want but can't get. I miss serious Q&A where so many people participate.

What CAN i do?
I find myself thinking about what I can do to get back onto a learning path and get people interested once again in the educational side of BDSM versus the sex part. I decided to turn my focus from world events and simply live, love and work within the world that I am already inhabiting: BDSM. I can't control anything that's going on with wars or politics. I can't do anything about the refugee crisis. Heck, I can't even really do anything to make my epilepsy better. But I ask myself what can I do?

I can control what I watch and read about. I can control how I decide to live my life. I want to dive into 2017 with a new outlook. I want to start participating in more BDSM related groups and helping more newbies find their journey into the lifestyle. I want to concentrate on my own submission with my Padrone and share more of my daily experiences about our dynamic. I think I need to do this, not just want to.

This is where I would normally reinforce the main message that I'm trying to get across, but honestly, this time there really isn't one. I will encourage you to take the time to simplify your life as much as you can. Spend more time with your family and friends talking and just being connected. Don't try to take the world too seriously and don't allow all the bad things that's happening around the globe to poison your own life. Try everyday to be thankful for what you have and not dwell on what you don't.  Get back to the basics of life and in most of my readers lives, basics of the BDSM lifestyle.

Try to be just a little nicer person and a little less cynical. Try to be happy. That's what life should be about. Happiness, love, friendships, and connections.

2017 goals

Make 2017 into whatever you decide you want it to be. Don't allow it to make you into something you're not.

From Padrone Marco and myself, have a healthy, happy and safe new year!

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During the Holiday season, it can be very difficult to purchase presents for that special someone in your life. Now that you are either thinking about or have already started to explore the world of BDSM, you may want to add some Lifestyle related packages under the tree for your partner.

For people that have no or little experience, here is a list of items that you may want to include in what I like to refer to as a 'BDSM Starter Kit'. They include safe items that you can incorporate into your sex life to help the transition from a missionary vanilla style to a more Kink based exploration.

BDSM Starter Kit
BDSM Starter Kit
  • Educational Books about the BDSM Lifestyle (Books of this type can help your partner to better understand BDSM but also help them begin to understand themselves more in depth)
  • Restraints with Velcro Quick Release
  • Soft Paddles
  • Flavored/Edible Lubes
  • Blindfolds
  • Items for Sensory Play (Feather, soft fabric, etc)

If you have been in the BDSM scene for a while and want to advance your S&M play or just want to get a special present for your partner, I recommend commissioning a Whip or Flogger from a reputable maker in the materials and colors you specify. 

Christmas Flogger Present
Christmas Flogger Present

If you are looking to get your partner a gift that is not sex toy related, then some of these ideas might be perfect for you:

BDSM Christmas Present Ideas
BDSM Christmas Present Ideas

  • Erotica Books by their Favorite Author
  • Body Frangrances
  • Specalized BDSM related Jewerly (including new collars)
  • Lingerie (Leather, Latex, Lacey)
  • Candles or Aromatherapy fragrances 
  • Floor cushion for the submissive
  • Day Spa trips
  • Massages
  • Special symbol tattooed 

Any of these items could be expanded to include a huge list, but I wanted to go with a small general list of ideas to help those of you that had no idea what you wanted to buy for your partner. 

I hope you enjoy these ideas and they help you have a wonderful and gift filled holiday season! 

If you have any more ideas or holiday hints you would like to contribute, please leave them in the comment section below! 


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With all of the books, fictional and non-fictional, movies, blogs and other social media sites, how do you know what information to trust and follow versus things that go against the BDSM Lifestyle? I think you have to use your own judgment, first of all. BDSM contains many diverse sub cultures that not all people embrace.

bdsm information, education, knowledge

When you are trying to find your way around the BDSM community, especially if you are participating online only, you have to keep a very open mind and embrace those parts of BDSM that fit comfortably with your own sense of morality. You will come to notice that the rules are different in almost every group/website/forum you read and comment in.

Some groups are very formal and demand all Dominants be called by a title of respect from the beginning and will actually kick people out for not doing so. I've seen other groups that are more like one huge 'clique' where if you have a different outlook or opinion than they do, you will be ridiculed or put out of the group. In my opinion, these are not good groups to be a part of and are not good places for a newbie to start learning the ins and outs of BDSM. Groups/websites that promote discussion, healthy debate, and varied topics are the most informative ones to read and also to help you form your own identity on your own journey through BDSM.

If you have read fictional books or movies that have elements of S&M in them, I would highly recommend you do not use those as examples of what you want or think your own relationship should look like. These types of books usually have such ridiculous expectations that they could never hold up in a real life situation. Yes, the sex scenes played out can be very hot, but they never give the examples of what happens if someone panics during, if a sub safewords, or if the Dom just gets a little too out of hand during a scene.

After the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy came out, so many people rushed online to 'get a BDSM experience' and you saw blog after blog pop up from people touting to be experts on the subject. I can tell you that there are many good personal blogs but there are also many that give you information that is not healthy.

I read many blogs and sites about Kink and BDSM and make the determination if it is a viable option to pass along by one simple test. 'Does the site/blog use the basic SSC /RACK concept when giving advice about certain situations?'. If the site promotes scenes that do not meet these requirements, to me, they are not a place I would want new Doms/subs getting information from. They promote unhealthy practices and would lead newbies in the wrong direction.

bdsm information

The BDSM community in general is a wonderfully open and accepting world. They don't judge you for the type of kink or dynamic you practice. If you decide to exclude certain elements from your own relationship, you won't receive lectures on how you are not a 'true' bdsm practitioner. There are some basic rules every Dom/sub must abide by to ensure the safety of themselves and others.

Consent - Every act/scene/relationship has to be agreed upon by mutually consenting adults before any participation.

Trust - You should trust your chosen partner completely so neither of you suffer mentally or emotionally.

Safeword - Dominants will honor your safeword anytime you use it. Subs don't be afraid to use it if needed.

Besides my own blog, here is a list of blogs written by people that truly have great knowledge as well as integrity while offering posts on various topics written from different points of view:

The Lair of Lady Hecate
Submissive Guide
A Submissive's Initiative

While I'm sure there are many more blogs out there written by knowledgeable and responsible people, these are the ones that I always recommend when asked.

If you have any blogs you feel can help other people obtain or gain BDSM knowledge, please leave the link in the comments section!

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I was sitting in the hotel, just working as usual on the internet, when a thought hit me all of a sudden.
I was wearing a sleeveless dress and had not even given it a second thought! This was staggering!

Michelle Fegatofi has epiphany!

See, before this year, I was extremely self conscience about my upper arms being flabby and not the perfectly shaped muscles you see portrayed in pictures and movies that every other woman seems to have, except me.

I didn't have the confidence in myself to be comfortable in my own skin. It took me 43 years to get there, but I finally have arrived. I love my shape and I love my body just as it is. It's the only one I will ever get! I finally learned to stop caring what other people thought of my body and what I put on it. I have 2 tattoos, fat rolls, stretch marks, scars, flabby arms and thighs. I love every part of me because I earned those imperfections. They are badges of honor for the life I have lead so far.

I also realized that me not taking pride in myself, in my body, was in a way, disrespecting my Padrone. Padrone loves my body as it is. He has always encouraged me to wear things that fit my shape and show it off versus covering it all up in large, shapeless clothes. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how proud he is to show me off when we are out and about. I grew up thinking if you were larger than a size 8, you had to wear really big clothes to disguise your shape. That's just what people did. As I got older and got involved in unhealthy relationships as an adult, I continued thinking being fat and showing off my shape was a sin. Now, I know better!

My body is lovely
Being a BDSM submissive slave has so many facets to it. For me, it's a mindset, a lifestyle, and an overall philosophy. Taking pride in myself, my actions and my body is taking pride in my submission. How? It means that I know I am worthy of all the attention my Padrone gives to me. I am worthy of his love and guidance. I am worthy of everything he gives me.

When I didn't show confidence in my body, how could I be confident in my submission? If I don't like myself, like everything about me, that is just like me telling Padrone he is wrong about what he thinks about me. If he likes my body as it is but I don't, that is not submitting to him completely. As a slave, I have surrendered my entire self to him willingly and consensually. When I agreed to become his slave, I agreed that his word was always final. He loves me as I am but I didn't, so I was violating  my submission to him.

As a submissive, you take pride in how you serve your Dominant. You follow their directions, perform tasks, follow their rules and protocols. You take pride in your abilities and love learning new ways and forms of submission. If you are not confident in yourself, it will affect your submission. There are things that your Dominant will ask you and if you aren't confident in yourself and your abilities, you will feel like you are being pushed past your limits and might shut down or strike out at your dominant.

I deeply and completely love and accept myself
If you don't feel confident in yourself, figure out why. If it's how you look or how you act, work on changing or accepting it. You cannot fully understand submission and give yourself over to someone else's care unless you fully understand and accept yourself.

Take a few moments each day, whether it is the first thing or the last thing you do to start building that confidence in yourself that you deserve to feel. Own your body. Own your mind. Own your surroundings.

How can someone else 'own you' if you never knew what it means to 'own yourself'?

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I have worn a collar for almost 5 years straight. Padrone has bought every one and put them on me. Today, I took it off. Why? Because I have a small mosquito bite that is very sore and is being irritated by the collar. It feels so weird not having my collar on because I literally always have it on: showers, sleeping, everywhere else. Having my collar off felt weird but also sparked many questions in my brain.

Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi Collared
Does me taking it off mean I'm less submissive? No.

Does me not wearing it when I'm outside show disrespect for my Padrone? Absolutely not.

Am I still as devoted and committed to serving him today as I was yesterday with or without wearing my collar? Absolutely yes.

Does a collar define who I am as a slave? No.

I wrote a post titled All About Collars a few years ago. In it, I tried to define the history and significance of giving a collar to a partner as well as the importance of it. Over the past year, I have seen an alarming trend among single submissives, especially those that are newer to the BDSM Lifestyle. These submissives are showing a trend towards two distinctly different paths but both having one goal: wearing a Collar.

Michelle Fegatofi without a CollarThese subs see having a Collar as a status symbol in the community. They feel that a collar will give them more importance and make them look more legitimate within the BDSM community. Most of these types of subs are Online only subs, those people that practice BDSM online only and do not live it in their real world everyday lives.

The first trend is the submissive whose main goal is to become the submissive partner to a dominant and get a collar. This type of sub doesn't care if their relationship will last long or not, they are just determined to attach themselves to a Dom who will collar them and give them the 'bragging rights' that they are collared as compared to other subs in the groups they frequent.

I was Padrone's slave for 5 months before he even collared me. He wanted to make sure that we had a good fit and we needed to work out our relationship as it was online only at that time. We both had preconceived notions as to how our dynamic would work. After many ups and downs, time and patience, and many honest and open discussions, we worked out all of our protocols, limits, rules and other relationship details. Only after all of these had been worked on and agreed to did Padrone buy and send me a collar. When we both felt the time was right for us both to make that deeper commitment was when we took that final step.

Being a BDSM submissive is more than the collar I wearWe already had a wonderful relationship and connection without me wearing an actual collar. It was the feelings inside me that made me want and crave submitting to him. It was the emotions and a connection that I was meant to be his that made me his slave, not a piece of metal around my neck. When he placed the collar on my neck it was a symbol that reflected our love, commitment, and devotion. The collar itself was not what made me submit.

The second trend I've seen all around various BDSM online sites are unattached subs buying collars and wearing them as a fashion statement. These subs love to post pics of themselves all over the internet and their pages wearing a collar and claiming to be a submissive or slave without actually being in any type of relationship. In these cases, that collar they have around their necks are nothing but decoration. There is no meaning behind it, no matter what the person wearing it claims.

I've read things like wearing a collar makes them feel submissive or wearing a collar shows the world that they are a submissive. Wearing a collar was meant to be a gift from a Dominant to his/her submissive. It is meant for that submissive to feel more submissive, loved and secure. It is also meant to be a symbol for the two of them of their devotion and relationship dynamic. Being a single person wearing a collar is not going to 'make you submissive' nor can it really 'make you feel like a sub'. These are things that you have to feel on your own, within a true BDSM dynamic, to understand the real meaning of what it is to be collared by your Dominant.

Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi without CollarI have no idea how long I will be without my collar. It all depends on how long it takes for this annoying bug bite to go away and heal. But during this time, I won't feel any less of a slave to my Padrone. I won't act any differently in our dynamic. It won't make people in the outside world or online see me differently. Why? Because my actions, words, and feelings always show everyone around me who I belong to. People automatically know that I am taken and have no interest in anyone else.

I hope if you are one of those subs that are into the lifestyle just looking at a collar as a status symbol that this will help you understand that there is a much deeper meaning to being collared. I hope you understand that without feeling the deep need and connection inside yourself that any collar you wear around your neck is meaningless and just a piece of metal or leather.

There are so many things that have evolved in the BDSM community over the past 15 years but I hope the true meaning of the collar never changes. I, for one, will never think of it or wear one unless the devotion and submission are felt inside myself.

Let me know your thoughts on this matter by leaving a comment below!

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For every new submissive entering into the world of BDSM for the first time, there are many things that you will learn over time by reading and researching, participating in munches and groups, but also eventually entering into a relationship with a Dominant. As you gain experiences and continuously educate yourself, you will find that some of your Limits and beliefs change.

Five Important Things Every Sub Should Know

After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.

1. Have a Limits List filled out. 
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.

2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice. 
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.

If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.

3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.  
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.

4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink. 
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First. 
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.

You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.

Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!

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