Have you had one of those days in which it seems that absolutely everything goes wrong? Well, join the club, because it has happened to me today!
The problem with me having one of these days is that I get so frustrated that I could seize or develop worse side effects from my epilepsy. I have very little or no patience with many things. That is one thing that I am learning, but have a long way to go. I know its not a good trait in a submissive/slave, let alone someone with epilepsy.
The first thing that went wrong is not being able to find a good, but free, offline Italian to English Dictionary that can be used on the Android platform base. After many hours of searching, I have concluded that it does not exist. Every one that I have found either require an internet connection or you have to buy them. Why not put a really good one out there for free? You would think that there would be hundreds out there because so many people are always looking for translations in the global market. Most translation freeware is completely online or uses cloud computing. Granted, its a fast, easy and probably cheaper way of doing things, but still frustrating for someone like me that likes to utilize current technology, but has no access where the classes are taking place. I have not given up searching, but have put it aside for tonight.
The other thing that made me aggravated is that apparently, someone over on Google has a jealous streak because they are following me around in groups and spamming my links. Yes, you heard me! I have had a couple of the moderators from the communities tell me they have no clue who did it, but are looking into it. They un-spam my links and all is well. But is it still frustrating.
After being frustrated with not finding the dictionary, and then finding out about the spam posts on Google, I feel as if most of my evening was wasted. I know it wasn't because I did get a lot of other stuff accomplished. But, (really huge sigh at this spot) its still frustrating.
Luckily for me, I have a very close and important person in my life that tells me to calm down, take a deep breath, and step away from the problem and look at again later. Padrone's advice is always spot on and I always take it. That's why I am here and not throwing computers or tablets out of a third story window. Just kidding! I would never do that. But, it was so tempting!
I do have a point to all this ranting. Number One, it really does no good for people to get so frustrated and worked up on something that you can't either change or acquire right then and there. Many of us, as very busy adults in today's world, are constantly in such a state and may not realize it. I know I have met or encountered many people that are what most would term an asshole. But, if you take a step back and look at that person, and ask him, what's up, he might tell you all the frustrations he has encountered that have put him in that state.
Take a deep breath and look around you. See how you affect people and how you are being affected yourself. It's not good for your mental or physical health to get so worked up. Trust me when I say I know from personal experience! I know it's really hard to take yourself out of some situations that seems to have no ending in sight. But remember, there is always an ending and a new beginning. There always will be until the sun no longer rises or sets.
My second point is that while we take life seriously, we do need to stop and appreciate our surroundings. Be thankful for who is in your life and the fact that you do wake up every day. I am. Yes, I have issues with health, frustrations in life, disappointments and hurts,but I also have a deep unconditional love for Padrone that is returned just as much. I am making new friends and learning new things. I am doing stuff that I never thought I could do. Life is an adventure and even with downs, there are so many more ups. You just have to look and you will find them.
So my point is just simple. Let the frustrations go. Don't get all worked up over stuff you have no possibility of changing. Put aside the anger and stress until another day. I know that isn't possible for all situations, but when it is, take the option. It will do you and your health a world of good.
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I tried logging into my tumblr account michellefegatofi.tumblr.com today and it was gone.
I sent an email to their help desk and they said it was deleted because I used an affiliate's tag and was now considered a spammer. So, apparently, using the same hashtag is a no no. Lesson learned.
I decided to open a new account and rebuild my followers. When I was adjusting the settings, I got a big surprise! The now-Yahoo-owned blogging network made a significant change to the way adult-themed blogs could be discovered on the site, which even further hid their content from public consumption.
One of the best things about Tumblr was that if you knew how to utilize hashtags properly, you could get your name, business, or internet site indexed on the web much faster and acquire many more followers faster. Now with their new settings, only followers can search your content. Adult themed blogs will not be searchable within Tumblr or on the net. So, now I am on the fence if I even want to bother with populating the new account.
It makes sense that Tumblr may not want to index NSFW content — especially if the company wants to sell ads on more content — but rather than putting up faux walls for discovery or denying access to certain terms in mobile apps, the company should create an explicit opt-in setting that allows users to decide if they want to see potentially adult or NSFW content in search. Turn it off by default if you want. This wouldn't be unlike how Google allows users to omit NSFW or adult content from their settings.
If Tumblr isn't careful about how it handles the community response to its new policies, it could backfire.
What do you think of Tumblr's new policies? Are you outraged or is this much ado about nothing? Let us know in the comments.
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In response to all the groups who feel BDSM and Dominant/submissive relationships in general are demeaning or violence against women, I have to speak my mind, which is my opinion as a respected member of our community, and as a Master.
I would like to explain so others may better understand several things:
(for reference - Dom/mes is the collective term for male and female Dominants within our lifestyle)
First: If in fighting for women's rights, you take away their right to live as they choose to live of their own free will, you may be much more oppressive than you believe us to be. We as Dom/mes look for strong-minded people who can make the informed decision to submit. There is nothing gained by imposing control over people too weak to stand up for themselves; quite often Dom/mes stand up for those too weak or unwilling to do so. We guide those who lack strength away from predators and help them find pride and strength within themselves.
Second: We are not demeaning to women; we work very hard to provide an environment that instills pride, growth and self-confidence. We have great respect for those who choose to live this lifestyle, especially the submissives we love so much. They give us the greatest gift imaginable... themselves, fully and completely, knowing we respect them and honor the gift they choose to give. This gift is something we as Dom/mes know can be taken away if we don't hold it sacred.
Third: These groups that oppose us living the way we choose often claim that Dom/mes are uncaring people. For those people I can only say, you will never know how deeply we are connected to each other. It is because of how much we love that we are able to give so much of ourselves to the care and needs of our submissive. Outsiders have no clue how much time and effort goes into building the trust required for this lifestyle to work, not just in the beginning, but always.
Also: We are not violent. We do not act out of rage or even anger. In order to accept control over another, we must be in control of ourselves. Many of us stand strong opposing domestic violence. Pain does not equal violence. Serious questions here: Who among you has enjoyed a little hair tug or smack on the butt during sex, whether giving or receiving? How about a nibble that gets a little rougher than usual? Nails scratching down your back in ecstasy? Maybe you like hands pinned to the bed while staring deeply into your lover’s eyes; have you ever realized this is a form of dominance, and even bondage? Kinky is quite natural, even normal for people to want to feel this way.
Next: We are not barbarians; the majority of male Dominants are very much gentlemen. We open doors, pull out chairs, bring home flowers, and sweep them off their feet with a kiss when we return home.
After that I need to address another point: Not all Dominants are men. There are many Dommes and Mistresses, many of which have male submissives. They also operate at the highest of respect when it comes to their relationships. How can women's rights groups attack a lifestyle that is so accepting of 'equal opportunity'? We don't discriminate against anyone. In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a group or community more open-minded than within BDSM.
Finally: I'd like to address the thought of people leading the weak like sheep. Sheep are uninformed animals. They follow wherever they are led, blindly, without question or concern for themselves or others. They seek no knowledge, only doing as they have been led to do. I challenge anyone not informed of our lifestyle to become informed, to quit being led like sheep, uninformed yet following a cause when you don't truly understand what it is against. People, who follow causes without knowledge of what they are fighting against, are essentially consensual slaves, though a less informed slave than any within our lifestyle. -- Blac Talon
I would like to explain so others may better understand several things:
(for reference - Dom/mes is the collective term for male and female Dominants within our lifestyle)
First: If in fighting for women's rights, you take away their right to live as they choose to live of their own free will, you may be much more oppressive than you believe us to be. We as Dom/mes look for strong-minded people who can make the informed decision to submit. There is nothing gained by imposing control over people too weak to stand up for themselves; quite often Dom/mes stand up for those too weak or unwilling to do so. We guide those who lack strength away from predators and help them find pride and strength within themselves.
Second: We are not demeaning to women; we work very hard to provide an environment that instills pride, growth and self-confidence. We have great respect for those who choose to live this lifestyle, especially the submissives we love so much. They give us the greatest gift imaginable... themselves, fully and completely, knowing we respect them and honor the gift they choose to give. This gift is something we as Dom/mes know can be taken away if we don't hold it sacred.
Third: These groups that oppose us living the way we choose often claim that Dom/mes are uncaring people. For those people I can only say, you will never know how deeply we are connected to each other. It is because of how much we love that we are able to give so much of ourselves to the care and needs of our submissive. Outsiders have no clue how much time and effort goes into building the trust required for this lifestyle to work, not just in the beginning, but always.
Also: We are not violent. We do not act out of rage or even anger. In order to accept control over another, we must be in control of ourselves. Many of us stand strong opposing domestic violence. Pain does not equal violence. Serious questions here: Who among you has enjoyed a little hair tug or smack on the butt during sex, whether giving or receiving? How about a nibble that gets a little rougher than usual? Nails scratching down your back in ecstasy? Maybe you like hands pinned to the bed while staring deeply into your lover’s eyes; have you ever realized this is a form of dominance, and even bondage? Kinky is quite natural, even normal for people to want to feel this way.
Next: We are not barbarians; the majority of male Dominants are very much gentlemen. We open doors, pull out chairs, bring home flowers, and sweep them off their feet with a kiss when we return home.
After that I need to address another point: Not all Dominants are men. There are many Dommes and Mistresses, many of which have male submissives. They also operate at the highest of respect when it comes to their relationships. How can women's rights groups attack a lifestyle that is so accepting of 'equal opportunity'? We don't discriminate against anyone. In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a group or community more open-minded than within BDSM.
Finally: I'd like to address the thought of people leading the weak like sheep. Sheep are uninformed animals. They follow wherever they are led, blindly, without question or concern for themselves or others. They seek no knowledge, only doing as they have been led to do. I challenge anyone not informed of our lifestyle to become informed, to quit being led like sheep, uninformed yet following a cause when you don't truly understand what it is against. People, who follow causes without knowledge of what they are fighting against, are essentially consensual slaves, though a less informed slave than any within our lifestyle. -- Blac Talon
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Many new people to the world of BDSM don't have the education and/or experience to tell the difference of what is considered 'normal' and what is abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle.
Here is a list of things to look out for that are obvious signs of an Abuser posing as a Dominant.
- Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.
- Isolating the submissive from family and friends
- Discouraging self sufficient behavior
- Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the Dominant
- Out of control jealousy
- Explosive temper
- Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way
- Abuses drugs/alcohol
- Does not take responsibility for mistakes
- Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive
- Emotional Blackmail - example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.
- Emotional Withdrawal - example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.
- Withdrawal of affection
- Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.
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Have you ever heard the expression 'Sometimes Life gets in the way'?
I can honestly say that is a true statement. You're going along your normal routine with slight variations here and there, but pretty much the same daily routine, when all of a sudden, BAM! Here comes Life with one if its twisted little delays or side roads.
That is what the past 2 weeks have felt like for me during the construction and renovations that have been taking place. My normal, somewhat orderly world as a 24/7 slave was completely turned inside out and upside down. The noise and dust took away my concentration from my work on the internet because I had to concentrate on stuff here at home. I was unable to perform even the most basic of duties because of all the upheaval. If you have been in the lifestyle for any amount of time, you will understand how that can upset a dedicated slave and make them feel as though they were not up to par.
This is when Padrone had me take a step back and revisit some of my own lessons learned in how to cope with frustration and anger, but also to practice patience. I am not known as a very patient person.
I was busy with painting, organizing, cleaning, and trying to also perform my normal duties as well as I could. You have to remember, even though I teach and right about many different aspects in managing and maintaining a 24/7 M/s relationship, I have to sometimes step back and practice what I preach. I had to silence the negative voices in my own head. Had to remind myself that I was doing the best I could with the situation I had.
When you are in a situation that you can't control, that you have to deal with, the best thing to do is try to see the end of it and stay positive. This is not a lesson in BDSM, just a life lesson. Stay as positive as you can and keep your head up. If you are in a situation that you think a temporary change in your submissive duties would help you mentally or emotionally, then talk to your Dominant.
And remember, communication is also one of the best tools you can utilize. Talk to your Dominant about your frustrations, anger, or doubts. If it involves them, then tell them so. Never hold anything back, but always be respectful.
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I was asked advice from a reader about her Dominant not being able to let go of the past.
She said that he is still friends with, or follows, his old cyber submissives and it makes her feel as though he can not cut ties with the past completely and move forward. She has talked to him and told him how this makes her feel, and he said that she is just jealous and they mean nothing. He said he is completely committed to her and their relationship, and that others do not matter. But, the question she asked him, and that he did not answer, was why he continues, even now, when he is happy with her, to follow or be friends with them?
She went on to say that she thinks that he misses the interactions he had with them and all the attention, that maybe they gave him something or made him feel something, that she didn't. She knew he loved her, but was he craving something from one of the old subs? His answer was always No.
This was my answer. We have to remember our pasts because we can't change them. They shaped us into who we are today. We made mistakes and got stepped on and hurt, but also probably had regrets of our own. We may sometimes look back and wish we had not done some things or that we could go back and take a different path from the one we chose to walk. But we can not. So, we learn to live and let go and move on.
Some people do this by cutting ties completely with people, others feel that there is still some connection or something of interest so they may keep contact with that person, but in a different context that what had it had been before.
Other people have trouble putting some people from their past behind them, no matter how it makes their loved one feel. They seem to need to know what is going on with that person's life, because there was something left undone or unsaid, like an unfinished letter. They never got what I term as 'complete closure', with the past relationship. They may still feel something for that person and just not tell anyone else that little fact.
Whatever the reason, it is their decision and you have to come to terms with it. If your partner (sub or dom) is not hiding the fact they are still in some kind of contact with old partners, then you should not worry. It is when they lie by omission or just outright don't tell you that they still look into that ex partner's current business, via whatever social media they follow them on, that you should worry.
When two people unite and decide to start making a life together, that is when you should start your count. The past should stay in the past and never hold anything they did before you, against them. Yes, sometimes our pasts do come back to haunt us, but if that happens, you pull together and face it. Never be accusatory or go behind your partners back to check up on them.
You should have an open and honest communication and trust one another deeply enough that you know everything that is going on in his/her life. If your partner can't give you a straight answer, or you feel worse with the answer you got, talk it out. Rely on honesty and communication, without getting jealous and petty, to guide you through the conversation.
Take a step back and tell don't obsess over it. Tell yourself and teach yourself that, as long as you have your partner's care, love and heart, then there is nothing to worry about.
We as humans are always jealous of anything that might interfere or alter, in any way, the ones that we hold most dear and sacred. Paranoia and obsession with something you can't change will just make the entire situation worse.
So, my best advice, is let it go. If you find him changing, conflicting answers or stories, or something that just does not sound right, then call him on it outright and ask in a respectful way. When you hear the truth, you will know and feel it.
It also might be a case of curiosity. What I mean by that is that him keeping an eye on old subs or ex's might be to see how they have changed or to see if their 'true' personality comes out and how different they are now.
Final advice, let the past go and keep the past in the past, especially old relationships that may not make your partner happy. Second, never borrow trouble by making too big of a deal out of old flames being on a follow or friend list. Third, as long as the honesty and communication continue, the trust should still be there and the your relationship should be able to continue forward on a solid course.
She said that he is still friends with, or follows, his old cyber submissives and it makes her feel as though he can not cut ties with the past completely and move forward. She has talked to him and told him how this makes her feel, and he said that she is just jealous and they mean nothing. He said he is completely committed to her and their relationship, and that others do not matter. But, the question she asked him, and that he did not answer, was why he continues, even now, when he is happy with her, to follow or be friends with them?
She went on to say that she thinks that he misses the interactions he had with them and all the attention, that maybe they gave him something or made him feel something, that she didn't. She knew he loved her, but was he craving something from one of the old subs? His answer was always No.
This was my answer. We have to remember our pasts because we can't change them. They shaped us into who we are today. We made mistakes and got stepped on and hurt, but also probably had regrets of our own. We may sometimes look back and wish we had not done some things or that we could go back and take a different path from the one we chose to walk. But we can not. So, we learn to live and let go and move on.
Some people do this by cutting ties completely with people, others feel that there is still some connection or something of interest so they may keep contact with that person, but in a different context that what had it had been before.
Other people have trouble putting some people from their past behind them, no matter how it makes their loved one feel. They seem to need to know what is going on with that person's life, because there was something left undone or unsaid, like an unfinished letter. They never got what I term as 'complete closure', with the past relationship. They may still feel something for that person and just not tell anyone else that little fact.
Whatever the reason, it is their decision and you have to come to terms with it. If your partner (sub or dom) is not hiding the fact they are still in some kind of contact with old partners, then you should not worry. It is when they lie by omission or just outright don't tell you that they still look into that ex partner's current business, via whatever social media they follow them on, that you should worry.
When two people unite and decide to start making a life together, that is when you should start your count. The past should stay in the past and never hold anything they did before you, against them. Yes, sometimes our pasts do come back to haunt us, but if that happens, you pull together and face it. Never be accusatory or go behind your partners back to check up on them.
You should have an open and honest communication and trust one another deeply enough that you know everything that is going on in his/her life. If your partner can't give you a straight answer, or you feel worse with the answer you got, talk it out. Rely on honesty and communication, without getting jealous and petty, to guide you through the conversation.
Take a step back and tell don't obsess over it. Tell yourself and teach yourself that, as long as you have your partner's care, love and heart, then there is nothing to worry about.
We as humans are always jealous of anything that might interfere or alter, in any way, the ones that we hold most dear and sacred. Paranoia and obsession with something you can't change will just make the entire situation worse.
So, my best advice, is let it go. If you find him changing, conflicting answers or stories, or something that just does not sound right, then call him on it outright and ask in a respectful way. When you hear the truth, you will know and feel it.
It also might be a case of curiosity. What I mean by that is that him keeping an eye on old subs or ex's might be to see how they have changed or to see if their 'true' personality comes out and how different they are now.
Final advice, let the past go and keep the past in the past, especially old relationships that may not make your partner happy. Second, never borrow trouble by making too big of a deal out of old flames being on a follow or friend list. Third, as long as the honesty and communication continue, the trust should still be there and the your relationship should be able to continue forward on a solid course.
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Too often as submissives, we get so caught up in trying to anticipate and care for our Dominate's, we forget about ourselves.
We lose ourselves in our joy of serving. That is not good. We all need time to step outside of our role as submissives and reflect on our inner spirit, on our feelings, frustrations, goals, and weaknesses.
I will give you a scenario. You are feeling great and everything pretty much is right with your world. You anticipate all the things your Dominant needs, your tasks are all completed perfectly and you have not disappointed your Dominant. But, all of a sudden, you make a mistake, one seen by your Dominant as huge, but one you didn't know you were not supposed to do. You feel alone and frustrated. You don't know who to talk to. Your friends do not understand your situation or choice in lifestyles, and you don't feel you can express your hurt feelings and reasoning to your Dominant, because you made the mistake.
Well, this is the time you need to back off, accept you made a mistake and are human and do a little alone time and reflect on your mistake. Do not beat yourself up. You have probably already done that enough. You need to make sure you understand what exactly the mistake you made was and ensure that you do not make that same mistake again.
Take some time to be alone when you can. Absolute quiet is a good place to start. Sit or lay down in a comfortable position and just breath. Get all the stray, mean, weird, and useless thoughts out of your head, and concentrate on the sound of your heartbeat. Now, you have obtained a calm. Think about all aspects of your mistake you made and variations of that possible mistake (if they exist) and lock it away on your mental DO NOT DO list.
Now forgive yourself for that mistake. I am sure it wasn't that big or bad. Ask yourself if you need to bring it up with your Dominant in a respectful manner of if it's better to just let it go. That is up to you. Think long and careful on this. Remember, our Dominants do not want whiny, spineless subs, but one that thinks for themselves and can reason.
You should have a completely open and honest communication line to your Dominant. You should also never hold anything back from Him. But, you also have to ask yourself, is what you are feeling worth telling Him about it, or is it better to just internalize it, remember to not repeat it, forgive yourself and move forward? That is something that you have to think about.
Now, after you have gotten past your mistake, tell yourself how wonderful you are and remind yourself why you chose to be a submissive/slave. Don't get an ego, but you should be proud of yourself first. Proud of who you are, what you are, how you look, and how you serve your Dominant.
You can also take this time to reflect on goals that you or your Dominant has set out for you to work on. You know your weaknesses, use this time to try to think of ways you might start improving on them. You can use self-reflection as a time to dream about what may come, or what you want out of life.
I actually try to do this every day. Sometimes I am not alone when I do it, but I make sure I won't be disturbed by my own Padrone as I do take that 5 or 10 mins of quiet time to just be.
I know this isn't the usual type of blog post, but after some of the messages I have read, I felt that this needed to be said.
I learned a long time ago that sometimes, if done properly, self-reflection, meditation, or whatever you want to call it, can help keep your mind focused, open it up to new possibilities, help you deal with hurt feelings or even a bout of brattyness that might try to pop out.
Breath. Relax. Drift. Think.
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I received a question from a fan the other day asking me if subs get angry and how do they deal with that anger. I answered her, but also thought that would be a good post for today. See, we tend to think that since we are submissives, we are either above feeling normal human vanilla feelings, or that we have to deal with and suffer in silence. That is not true.
Dealing with anger is pretty much like in a vanilla relationship. Even as a slave, I do get angry sometimes, not very often, but it can happen. It always stems from a difference of opinion or a misunderstanding between partners. But, instead of yelling and accusing each other of things, my Padrone and I sit down and work out whatever the problem is right there.
Now, sometimes there will be a raised voice, but rarely. The reason it is important to work it out as soon as something bothers you is because the longer you stew over the issue, the bigger it can become or seem.
You also have to remember you are a person with your own thoughts and feelings and opinions on life. It's ok to have opposing views that aren't always the exact same as your Master's. But, you both must remember to use logic and calmly express what is bothering you. Try to do it in person and always remember to not yell, let anger take over your brain, and never disrespect the other person.
Ask yourself if this is something you feel will continue to bother you tomorrow if it’s not resolved right now. If it will, then you should look for a resolution for it. If it isn’t, then let it slide. It’s not worth the stress that frustration brings you. I know on many occasions I find myself on a short trigger and anything can frustrate me. In these times I have to learn to let some things go as just not with the effort. You can do that too.
When I submit in any way I want it to be perfect. Any flaw that I notice will frustrate me to no end. But I really need to let that go, can you? Perfection isn’t what you need to strive for. You need to strive for happiness and comfort in yourself. People aren’t meant to be perfect, we are meant to be unique. Allow your service to be unique and you will be much happier and less frustrated with yourself.
Lean to be patient and compromising. I know this isn’t as easy as it sounds for some. I am not patient but have learned to become much more patient over the past 1 ½ years. Compromise is something you will do on a daily basis as a submissive. You can’t submit to someone 24/7 and not budge or compromise. But a little secret you might not be thinking of, just as you are learning more patience and compromise, so is your Master. They too are learning to live with you as a person, but also as your Dominant.
So, do subs get angry? Yes. But the outcome all depends on how you manage that anger and frustration from the very beginning. Always remember your place. Never yell or walk away from a disagreement. Listen with open ears and an open mind and compromise.
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