With all of the books, fictional and non-fictional, movies, blogs and other social media sites, how do you know what information to trust and follow versus things that go against the BDSM Lifestyle? I think you have to use your own judgment, first of all. BDSM contains many diverse sub cultures that not all people embrace.
When you are trying to find your way around the BDSM community, especially if you are participating online only, you have to keep a very open mind and embrace those parts of BDSM that fit comfortably with your own sense of morality. You will come to notice that the rules are different in almost every group/website/forum you read and comment in.
Some groups are very formal and demand all Dominants be called by a title of respect from the beginning and will actually kick people out for not doing so. I've seen other groups that are more like one huge 'clique' where if you have a different outlook or opinion than they do, you will be ridiculed or put out of the group. In my opinion, these are not good groups to be a part of and are not good places for a newbie to start learning the ins and outs of BDSM. Groups/websites that promote discussion, healthy debate, and varied topics are the most informative ones to read and also to help you form your own identity on your own journey through BDSM.
If you have read fictional books or movies that have elements of S&M in them, I would highly recommend you do not use those as examples of what you want or think your own relationship should look like. These types of books usually have such ridiculous expectations that they could never hold up in a real life situation. Yes, the sex scenes played out can be very hot, but they never give the examples of what happens if someone panics during, if a sub safewords, or if the Dom just gets a little too out of hand during a scene.
After the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy came out, so many people rushed online to 'get a BDSM experience' and you saw blog after blog pop up from people touting to be experts on the subject. I can tell you that there are many good personal blogs but there are also many that give you information that is not healthy.
I read many blogs and sites about Kink and BDSM and make the determination if it is a viable option to pass along by one simple test. 'Does the site/blog use the basic SSC /RACK concept when giving advice about certain situations?'. If the site promotes scenes that do not meet these requirements, to me, they are not a place I would want new Doms/subs getting information from. They promote unhealthy practices and would lead newbies in the wrong direction.
The BDSM community in general is a wonderfully open and accepting world. They don't judge you for the type of kink or dynamic you practice. If you decide to exclude certain elements from your own relationship, you won't receive lectures on how you are not a 'true' bdsm practitioner. There are some basic rules every Dom/sub must abide by to ensure the safety of themselves and others.
Consent - Every act/scene/relationship has to be agreed upon by mutually consenting adults before any participation.
Trust - You should trust your chosen partner completely so neither of you suffer mentally or emotionally.
Safeword - Dominants will honor your safeword anytime you use it. Subs don't be afraid to use it if needed.
Besides my own blog, here is a list of blogs written by people that truly have great knowledge as well as integrity while offering posts on various topics written from different points of view:
The Lair of Lady Hecate
Submissive Guide
Kinkly.com
A Submissive's Initiative
While I'm sure there are many more blogs out there written by knowledgeable and responsible people, these are the ones that I always recommend when asked.
If you have any blogs you feel can help other people obtain or gain BDSM knowledge, please leave the link in the comments section!
When you are trying to find your way around the BDSM community, especially if you are participating online only, you have to keep a very open mind and embrace those parts of BDSM that fit comfortably with your own sense of morality. You will come to notice that the rules are different in almost every group/website/forum you read and comment in.
Some groups are very formal and demand all Dominants be called by a title of respect from the beginning and will actually kick people out for not doing so. I've seen other groups that are more like one huge 'clique' where if you have a different outlook or opinion than they do, you will be ridiculed or put out of the group. In my opinion, these are not good groups to be a part of and are not good places for a newbie to start learning the ins and outs of BDSM. Groups/websites that promote discussion, healthy debate, and varied topics are the most informative ones to read and also to help you form your own identity on your own journey through BDSM.
If you have read fictional books or movies that have elements of S&M in them, I would highly recommend you do not use those as examples of what you want or think your own relationship should look like. These types of books usually have such ridiculous expectations that they could never hold up in a real life situation. Yes, the sex scenes played out can be very hot, but they never give the examples of what happens if someone panics during, if a sub safewords, or if the Dom just gets a little too out of hand during a scene.
After the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy came out, so many people rushed online to 'get a BDSM experience' and you saw blog after blog pop up from people touting to be experts on the subject. I can tell you that there are many good personal blogs but there are also many that give you information that is not healthy.
I read many blogs and sites about Kink and BDSM and make the determination if it is a viable option to pass along by one simple test. 'Does the site/blog use the basic SSC /RACK concept when giving advice about certain situations?'. If the site promotes scenes that do not meet these requirements, to me, they are not a place I would want new Doms/subs getting information from. They promote unhealthy practices and would lead newbies in the wrong direction.
The BDSM community in general is a wonderfully open and accepting world. They don't judge you for the type of kink or dynamic you practice. If you decide to exclude certain elements from your own relationship, you won't receive lectures on how you are not a 'true' bdsm practitioner. There are some basic rules every Dom/sub must abide by to ensure the safety of themselves and others.
Consent - Every act/scene/relationship has to be agreed upon by mutually consenting adults before any participation.
Trust - You should trust your chosen partner completely so neither of you suffer mentally or emotionally.
Safeword - Dominants will honor your safeword anytime you use it. Subs don't be afraid to use it if needed.
Besides my own blog, here is a list of blogs written by people that truly have great knowledge as well as integrity while offering posts on various topics written from different points of view:
The Lair of Lady Hecate
Submissive Guide
Kinkly.com
A Submissive's Initiative
While I'm sure there are many more blogs out there written by knowledgeable and responsible people, these are the ones that I always recommend when asked.
If you have any blogs you feel can help other people obtain or gain BDSM knowledge, please leave the link in the comments section!
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For every new submissive entering into the world of BDSM for the first time, there are many things that you will learn over time by reading and researching, participating in munches and groups, but also eventually entering into a relationship with a Dominant. As you gain experiences and continuously educate yourself, you will find that some of your Limits and beliefs change.
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
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Every year that I have been writing this blog, I write a year end resolutions post.
Last year, I encouraged you to renew your connections with your partner and yourself. This year, I want you to learn to just be you, the real you!
I have had a year filled with many different health problems, helping others tackle their relationship issues, and dealing with other adverse situations. There are have also been many wonderful high points for me. Beautiful memories and events that have helped me grow as a person in both confidence and knowledge. I can honestly say that my followers and friends have really challenged me this past year by some of the questions they asked me to tackle but in doing so, I have broadened my thinking on many different subjects.
My Padrone has had to cope with my health issues this year that affected all aspects of our lives at some point. He has been my rock and shelter from the storms but also was my biggest supporter and fan. I gained a greater confidence in my writing as well as my body image with him just being his wonderful self.
I am not making any resolutions for 2015. I decided that this is the year that I'm just going to be me. Here are some things I know will happen not change. My weight will go up and down. I will have periods of time in which I exercise every day and weeks I won't. I will most likely have to deal with some type of health issue. I will have times in which I do not like my body and ones in which I think I look like a super model. I will have insecurities. I will grow and learn new things. There will be some down times but there will be many more happy ones. Padrone will always be there to support me, guide me, love me and take care of me. I will love, honor, obey and support Padrone. I know there will be rough patches in our relationship, but they will just bring us closer together in the end.
I ask you to make the resolution to just be yourself also. Don't try to make yourself lose weight because society says you have too. Do whatever you want to. Become confident in who you are, what you look like and try to love yourself. Don't make resolutions that you honestly know you won't keep. When you do make those and don't succeed, most of the time you feel guilt and that makes your entire outlook of yourself go down.
I hope that some of you will follow my example. I think it will make for a much better year and a happier one.
From Padrone Marco and I, we wish you all a safe, healthy, and happy 2015!!!!
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I want to share a very informative video interview with you with a long standing member of the LGBT community. Malika Dandridge is the interviewer and Daddi Cole is the interviewee.
The regular BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday will be back next week!
Malika's introduction of the video:
 |
| Malika Dandridge |
 |
| Daddi Cole |
Daddi Cole is a lesbian-identified, gender fluid Author/Educator and Dominant whose work appears in six anthologies including Stud: Dispelling the Myths; At the Table: Words of Faith, Affirmation, and Inspiration for Young LGBTQI Believers of Color; and Creative License (2014)."
Figuring prominently into Atlanta’s Leatherbash (formerly the Mr. & Ms. Georgia Leather Contest) in 2011 and into the Women in Leather Legacy Conference (WILL) in 2012, DC was recognized at the Black Expressions Alternative Tastes Conference in 2012 for community service and at Black Beat 2014, where S/He moderated the Queer Roundtable. Daddi Cole is a civic leader in African American and LGBTQ communities, spearheading projects like the International LGBT Healthcare Awareness Ribbon, Bois Next Door and AGenda Benda's Justice, Inc.’s human trafficking prevention initiative.
S/He created Sex Positive Works as a vehicle for providing sex-positive life coaching, consultation, and education for consciousness raising around consensual Dominance/submission and other unconventional relational dynamics and living styles. To entertain & to enlighten, DC -a.k.a. Drag King LEGEND Rx- offers collage exhibition; community talks and workshops; and erotic demonstration/ performance, always embracing opportunities to collaborate with like-minded leaders in the field.
After five years of devoted submission, Daddi Cole's soko is now "in service" to the toddler who keeps the couple very busy. They also each birthed two children (now adults), all of whom are as brilliant as they are diverse. They reside in the eastern United States. Oh, and any gender pronoun is acceptable. As the little one says, "hers a boi."
Figuring prominently into Atlanta’s Leatherbash (formerly the Mr. & Ms. Georgia Leather Contest) in 2011 and into the Women in Leather Legacy Conference (WILL) in 2012, DC was recognized at the Black Expressions Alternative Tastes Conference in 2012 for community service and at Black Beat 2014, where S/He moderated the Queer Roundtable. Daddi Cole is a civic leader in African American and LGBTQ communities, spearheading projects like the International LGBT Healthcare Awareness Ribbon, Bois Next Door and AGenda Benda's Justice, Inc.’s human trafficking prevention initiative.
S/He created Sex Positive Works as a vehicle for providing sex-positive life coaching, consultation, and education for consciousness raising around consensual Dominance/submission and other unconventional relational dynamics and living styles. To entertain & to enlighten, DC -a.k.a. Drag King LEGEND Rx- offers collage exhibition; community talks and workshops; and erotic demonstration/ performance, always embracing opportunities to collaborate with like-minded leaders in the field.
After five years of devoted submission, Daddi Cole's soko is now "in service" to the toddler who keeps the couple very busy. They also each birthed two children (now adults), all of whom are as brilliant as they are diverse. They reside in the eastern United States. Oh, and any gender pronoun is acceptable. As the little one says, "hers a boi."
Click the link below to watch the interview. Feel free to leave comments and questions below!
youtube.com/watch?v=w978Kk7PE7Q
youtube.com/watch?v=w978Kk7PE7Q
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40% Off Sale on Michelle Fegatofi Printed Books @ Lulu.com! Begins 11/21 - Ends 11/30
Unveiled the secret submissive within
BDSM basics for beginners. A guide for dominants and submissives starting to explore the lifestyle
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If you have been around the BDSM Lifestyle, you have probably heard the term Safeword.
What is a safeword? When is it used? Why would a person use it? I've written about safe words in various posts, but more in depth in my Limits in BDSM article. Recently, the topic has come up in various groups, so I decided to write a comprehensive article about them.
Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.
What is a safeword? When is it used? Why would a person use it? I've written about safe words in various posts, but more in depth in my Limits in BDSM article. Recently, the topic has come up in various groups, so I decided to write a comprehensive article about them.
A safeword is a code word or series of code words that are sometimes used for a submissive to communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary.
Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.
There are many advantages to having a safeword. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you're tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safeword makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.
Safewords of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual (SSC). Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the submissive and excepted by the Dominant.
There are many advantages to having a safeword. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you're tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safeword makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.
Safewords of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual (SSC). Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the submissive and excepted by the Dominant.
When you and your partner establish a safeword, you need to choose something that is easy for both of you to remember, no matter what is going on. The safeword needs to be free of sexual connotations. "No" and "stop" make bad safewords, because those are words that might be said as part of sex play. For example, if you and your partner go to a bar and one of you is pretending to pick up the other as a stranger, "Stop hitting on me," or "No, I won't go home with you" are potentially confusing if "no" or "stop" is the safeword.
Since a scene may become too intense for a submissive partner to remember what the safeword is, in practice commonly the words safeword or red are also used as safewords. They are often the default at many play parties, or respected as a safeword in addition to any negotiated safeword. A dungeon monitor would likely expect either of those words to be respected.
Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.
If your partner says the safe word, you need to stop whatever you are doing. Immediately remove yourselves from the sexual aspect of the situation. A safeword is usually used by the bottom, but can be used by all participants in a scene, including tops, dungeon masters at play parties, and sometimes even observers.
For example, a bottom may misbehave intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment, and sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know it has gone too far for the top to continue the scene. Or, a third party observing a scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.
If a submissive is gagged and unable to speak during a scene, you and your partner need to agree on a couple of hand signals that are easy to use and remember. During the a scene of this nature, the dominant needs to stop periodically and check in with the submissive to ensure the sub is ok to continue.
If and when your partner feels comfortable, talk about what went wrong or what made your partner uneasy. Do not press for an explanation, though, because the whole reason the safe word exists is to eliminate the need for an explanation to stop a scenario. Likewise, if you are the one to say the safe word, your partner must immediately respect your need to stop.
Remember, choose something odd but that you both remember and always respect your partner by stopping immediately if the safeword is used.
Safewords in BDSM
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With the flood of new people coming online and trying to learn about the world of BDSM, there has been a lot of confusion from many new submissives about what behavior is normal and what is abusive.
When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual.
Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.
Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.
I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.
Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship
When in a BDSM relationship the key question between Dominance or abuse, is what's the purpose, and more importantly, does it serve any sort of benefit. BDSM is supposed to be a chance to learn about yourself and the person you're involved with. If nothing comes of an experience other than emotional pain, then it can very easily be considered abuse if the emotional pain wasn't wanted/consensual.
Knowing the signs of an abusive individual may help you avoid getting into emotional abuse in your future relationships. If your partner humiliates or insults you often, or isolates you from the people you love, it might be a clear indication that your partner may be more into the power trip than into pleasuring you by acting out your fantasies. You have the right to be treated with respect, you have the right to say no and leave.
Emotional and mental abuse can often be found in many online relationships. While it may seem very obvious to people that have been in the Lifestyle for a while, new submissives might not realize what's going on, or may think that it's just a normal part of a healthy D/s relationship.
I won't get into specifics because there are too many different scenarios that could happen. Instead, here are some general things to look out for and evaluate closer if they happen to you on a regular basis in your own BDSM relationship.
Silence
This can come in two main forms:
(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused.
(A) Silence when the Dominant doesn't allow the submissive to initiate any contact between them, making it a rule that any and all contact will come from him/her. This goes against one of the very foundations of a BDSM relationship - open, honest, two way communication. If the submissive feels they can't contact their Dominant even through email, they will feel alone, isolated, depressed, confused, and often unwanted. If the sub feels this very often, then they are being abused.
(B) Silence as punishment. Silence, or ignoring a submissive for punishment, is considered by some Dominants as an acceptable form of punishment. But a growing movement in many BDSM circles considers this to be a form of emotional abuse. A Dominant should know that a submissive will already punish themselves harsher and longer than their Dominant will if they make mistakes. Pleasing a Dominant and having him/her show pride in their submissive is one of the greatest pleasures a sub receives. If the Dominant ignores the sub to teach them a lesson, it only teaches them to feel alone, stupid and unworthy on top of whatever mental punishment they usually inflict on themselves.
Extensive Punishment
Most submissives get punished for various reasons from time to time. Some need more punishment than others while others crave punishment and try to trick the Dominant into it by being brats. If you are not a brat but get punished for every little mistake instead of the mistake being corrected at first, then this could be a form of mental abuse. If you constantly feel unworthy, stupid and unwanted because of the way and frequency your Dominant punishes you, then you need to step back from the relationship and look at it closer to determine if it is something you wish to continue with.
Manipulative Behavior
If your Dominant uses language or phrases in order to force you to perform an action against your will, that is mental abuse. An example could be telling the submissive they are a bad sub if they don't send naked pictures to their Dominant.
Threatening to End the Relationship
If a Dominant consistently uses the threat of ending the relationship for almost any reason, that is emotional and mental abuse. This is not something that should ever be used unless the Dom or sub is absolutely sure they want to leave the relationship.
Fear
Any threat or punishment that keeps the submissive in an almost constant state of fear is emotional abuse. If a Dominant is using fear to keep a submissive in line or in a relationship, the submissive should leave that relationship as soon as possible. In BDSM, there is good and bad fear. But to use fear against your submissive as a form of control constitutes abuse.
If you experience any of the above items, in any type of form, I urge you to step back and evaluate your relationship with your Dominant. Make sure you are not trapped in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, isolation, or unhappiness. Being in a real BDSM or D/s relationship should make you feel wanted, appreciated, and not alone.
Afterthoughts:
After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need.
Afterthoughts:
After speaking to my Padrone about this article, he reminded me that there are some types of relationships in the BDSM world that are based on consensual abuse such as all different types of humiliation, as well as S and M based relationships that are extremely sadistic or masochistic in nature. Remember that every BDSM based relationship is different and diverse people have many diverse needs, so it is ultimately up to you to decide what type of relationship you want and need.
Mental and Emotional Abuse in a BDSM Relationship
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Michelle Fegatofi's BDSM Educational Books are now available on Kobo.com too!
http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/unveiled-the-secret-submissive-within
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http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/bdsm-basics-for-beginners-a-guide-for-dominants-and-submissives-starting-to-explore-the-lifestyle
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Do you have a secret? A desire you are desperately trying to understand
but just can't find the answers to the puzzle?
In this book, all is Unveiled to you.
It was written by a longtime BDSM submissive slave for those that are searching for answers and trying to understand this internal need to submit and serve another. A need that has driven you to explore the internet, much of the time in secret, for fear of the unknown and the stigma attached to the BDSM Lifestyle. In this non fiction, educational book, lifestyle adviser Michelle Fegatofi guides you through the world of submission, explaining everything from the Basics of BDSM, to much more indepth topics such as dealing with conflicting emotions and avoiding fake Dominants. This all-in-one guide is a must have for new and inexperienced submissives.
Glance through the Table of Contents and the book today! Available online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple iBookstore, and Lulu.com.
BDSM Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within
In this book, all is Unveiled to you.
It was written by a longtime BDSM submissive slave for those that are searching for answers and trying to understand this internal need to submit and serve another. A need that has driven you to explore the internet, much of the time in secret, for fear of the unknown and the stigma attached to the BDSM Lifestyle. In this non fiction, educational book, lifestyle adviser Michelle Fegatofi guides you through the world of submission, explaining everything from the Basics of BDSM, to much more indepth topics such as dealing with conflicting emotions and avoiding fake Dominants. This all-in-one guide is a must have for new and inexperienced submissives.
Glance through the Table of Contents and the book today! Available online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple iBookstore, and Lulu.com.
BDSM Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within
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I was tagged in a post the other day over on Google + asking me for my input and thoughts on a blog classifying submissives into different categories.
The blogger wrote a disclaimer stating he didn't know everything and believed there are so many variations and ways to live, promote, and discuss the lifestyle that everyone will have a different opinion.
The discussion that ensued under the post was very interesting. One person said they refer to themselves as 'pet' because they abhor the word 'slave'. Another person said they did not believe in any references of classes or titles. That a 'true loving relationship can't be classified or measured'. In this, the writer was specifically referring to those in the lifestyle that classify their relationship as a 24/7 relationship or 'boast' about having this type of relationship and went on to state that he didn't care what the world called her, his partner was simply his.
Now, I have a different opinion. I am not saying that those that think differently than I do are wrong. I'm simply stating my opinion. I have many different thoughts on this subject. First is classifications. Do I like them? No. But, are they necessary? Yes. Why? Because I write, speak to, or advise many people from different countries, backgrounds, and levels of understanding about the BDSM Lifestyle. It's a tool that I use to help new people gain a better understanding of their own place in our world. They read many BDSM blogs and BDSM books and get confused. By using classifications such as differences in submissives, they can start to understand that there are many different ways to submit. In every post in which I speak on this, I clarify it by the statement "One can fit into many categories, so don't feel limited by a learning tool".
Now to address what has been termed as 'boasting a 24/7 relationship'. In my own case, it's not a boast, but a fact. I do live it all day and night and 7 days a week. How is this possible? I don't work outside the home. I do work in the field of BDSM. I'm lucky enough to be with my Padrone pretty much 24/7 and even go to work with him and hang out there all night when I'm not sick.
I do use the designation 24/7 slave when describing myself. Why? Because it is who I am and what I see myself as. It is my reality. It also helps other people that read my books or blogs connect to the lifestyle, have a point of reference of what 24/7 slave can really mean in a real life relationship, and at the same time give them another learning tool. If you think about your own life, we all need these types of tools/ titles/ classifications to help us understand the world we live in; To bring understanding to a new and possibly alien subject. Without classifications or titles, there would be chaos. And where there's chaos, there is no learning, enlightenment, or advancement.
At this point, a separate argument was made that promoting the lifestyle in this way was a wrong approach. That it gave self-proclaimed Doms or subs a platform to boast around and give 'lessons' to others. The writer said "I don't want to give lessons to anyone about what they are or how they should consider themselves. D/s is one subtle life discovery that everyone should discover for themselves".
I agree to a certain extent. The way I teach and approach the lifestyle is from one of self discovery. But, as I am approached by literally hundreds of people asking advice, it's one of the ways I can help them. People just discovering or finally admitting, that they have a craving towards BDSM want information. They need to know they aren't dirty, weird or depraved. My blog posts, as well as others on the internet, are a sort of validation that they are not sick or perverted. It's a relief to some and a revelation to others that yes there are more like me! The use of titles and classes is just a stepping stone for the newbies on their journey. And as in the vanilla lifestyle where people pretend to be what they are not, there will always be people that scream to the world they are Dominant or submissive. These are not real and I always point this out to my readers. A real Dominant or submissive doesn't feel the need nor do they want to scream the fact to the world at large.
So, just remember, no matter if you call or consider yourself a Master/Mistress/Sir/Madam/Daddy/Padrone/Maitre/Jarl or sub/slave/pet/babygirl/boy/kajira, they are just ways to help you understand yourself in a different way. There are many levels of submission and dominance. There are many types of D/s relationships. There are many ways you can classify your relationship or yourself. Some do not believe and do not use any titles or classifications. Others use them all the time. Some use them but say they don't believe in them.
There is no right or wrong. There is no correct classification that you have to fit into. It is what you make of it and what works for you and your partner. So, the next time you encounter a classification post or one about titles, whether you agree or not, it was worth the read if it made you think and learn just one more facet of what makes up the huge infinite world of BDSM.
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Titles & Classifications in BDSM
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I get many emails asking me about expectations of being a submissive / slave, what types of tasks or duties they are expected to perform, and how do they best serve their Dominants.
This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.
Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.
Looking at the duties and expectations as a 24/7 slave, my primary function is to make my Padrone (Master) happy and to try to make his life easier in any way that I can. These duties include cleaning, running errands, cooking, massaging his feet, making coffee, snuggling, sharing every thought with him, listening to his ideas and brainstorming to help focus that idea. There are too many to name, but you can ascertain what they can include. Whatever will make him happy and relaxed is what I will do. The widely known secret about submissives is that when they make their Dominants happy, they are even happier. I know I am.
Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.
Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.
This subject is so vast and varied, that the best I can do is to give you examples of things that could be asked of you.
Make sure you don't get duties confused with Protocols, Rituals and Rules. A Protocol is how a Dominant and submissive interact with one another. Some examples of protocol would be how a sub greets a Dominant at a party or how they are dressed and greeting their Dom when they get home from work. A ritual for submissives is a sequence of actions / words / gestures that are performed the same exact way for one specific purpose. An example could be having a meditation ritual. Dressing a certain way, setting up a place to meditate a certain way, and the actual act of meditation. A rule is a specific way to act or conduct yourself following explicit instructions given by your Dominant.
Now, if you aren't in a 24/7 D/s relationship, what types of duties or tasks can you expect? Normally in an online or long distance relationship, the Dominant will have tasks for you to perform and may require proof that it was completed. Some examples of online or LDR (long distance relationship) duties could include sending pictures of what you wore, emailing a schedule of things you will do during the day, or sending a list at night reviewing your day and the feelings associated with it. These types of tasks are just as important as serving a Dominant in real life. Don't think that just because the couple isn't together physically, that they don't feel the satisfaction and joy of seeing a task completed. If you have read my earlier posts on these types of relationships, you will understand that there is the same mental and emotional satisfaction and connection as there is in real life situations.
Remember that every person has their own idea and version of what a submissive is and does. It will be up to you and your Dominant to make the final decisions of what is acceptable and what isn't. Why didn't I make a list of possible duties or tasks? Because they are vast and varied and all dependent on your relationship / limits / situation.
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If you are new to the lifestyle or find yourself confused at times and reverting back and forth between BDSM and vanilla life, the following post should help you.
I have gotten many emails lately asking for advice on how to spice up or restart a D/s or M/s relationship. There have been many couples that start exploring the BDSM lifestyle after one of the partners had read an erotica book talking about the subject.
Here is an evolution of new couples entering into the BDSM lifestyle and what I have observed in talking to many different couples that approach me seeking advice. A couple will start playing with toys and move into bondage and start experimenting with various levels of S&M. By this time, they get a feel of who is more dominant and submissive. They assume one of the roles and start getting deeper into the D/s (mental and psychological) part of BDSM. During the first 3-6 months, the couple is very committed and focused on setting up their own rules, limits, punishments, etc. After a while, they start slacking off on punishments, rules, or playtime and have many periods of a vanilla relationship. The submissive usually is the first one to complain about the lessening of her rules or the change or lack of interest from the Dominant in making sure that she is following his set standards.
There are many reasons that this can happen. One party might not be as into it as they were at first because it takes work and discipline to keep up and maintain a true D/s or M/s relationship. Life events might throw many obstacles in the way and the relationship takes a back seat. Changes in feelings from one or both partners can also contribute to the slacking off of a D/s relationship.
In some cases, it is the submissive that changes the relationship. In today's society with work, children, and the general consensus of the population, it can be hard for a submissive, especially females to maintain a submissive mind. At work and at home, they are often tasked with leading or problem solving on their own, which leads to a more dominant state of mind.
Now, how can you combat these issues and maintain a somewhat consistent BDSM relationship while working, taking care of kids, and dealing with today's beliefs in popular society? There are many ways to keep a submissive mind and to stay focused on the D/s or M/s part of your relationship.
The number one rule is that you both have to be committed. One person can't stay in the Dominant or submissive state of mind while the other one is thinking vanilla. When you are together, you have to become used to automatically assuming the role of Dom or sub. After a while and consciously focusing on your role and responsibilities within that role, it will become habit or second nature to you.
As a submissive, there are several things you can do to help put yourself in or maintain a submissive state of mind. I suggest meditating every day when you first wake up or taking 10 minutes before your Dominant comes home to ready your mind. This can be especially helpful when you have been working all day or at home taking care of children.
During the day, most people work and aren't together. Utilizing technology such as cell phones, text messages, Instant messenger, GPS and cameras, you as a Dominant can maintain a sense of power over your sub throughout the day. This will give you a continuous feeling of your domination but also help your submissive maintain a secure feeling as well as a submissive state of mind. In a previous post, I go into great detail on utilizing technology.
One other mistake that I see many couples new to the lifestyle making quite often is by incorporating too many types of toys into a play session. While we all love our toys, sometimes using too many ones in a session can make the sub confused and uncomfortable. In some cases, it can make the sub feel disconnected to the Dominant, like he really isn't interested in her but just going through the motions. If this sounds like your relationship, take out the toys and get back to basics.
You might be surprised at how something so simple can bring a couple back together and back into the D/s or M/s harmony they seek.
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Difficulties In Maintaining a True D/s Relationship
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