Welcome to Talk Tuesday! This week we discuss "D/s boundaries", "Lifestyle Disclosure to family and friends", and "Religion and BDSM". Don't forget to leave your thoughts and comments below.
There are many types of BDSM (Dominant/submissive) relationships. Every one is different and the dynamics vary from couple to couple. Even though you are new, you have to understand that everything in the Lifestyle has to be consensual or it is abuse. Being new, I strongly urge you to read as much about submissives and the basics of BDSM so that you can have a better understanding how these relationships work in general. Before agreeing to anything, sit down with your dominant and talk about boundaries, rules, and limits. You and he should both agree on when and where your D/s relationship takes place, whether it's in the bedroom only or it evolves into a 24/7 situation. As for my Padrone (Master) and I, we definitely have a much stronger connection I think than most vanilla couples because of our M/s (Master/slave) dynamic. While we are a 24/7 M/s couple and observe these boundaries, we don't follow a strict protocol. We absolutely have a loving relationship and deep connection in and out of the bedroom. So, to answer your question, yes, you can still have that close connection and practice a BDSM lifestlye. However, you have to remember it all depends on what you and your partner agree to and also how close you two actually are and the type of relationship you and your partner feel from within.
Since you are new, I highly recommend you read the following sites to help you understand the BDSM Lifestyle further:
To understand what Limits are in the Lifestyle, you can download a copy of my free BDSM Limits Worksheet here:
This is a question many people struggle with. To tell or not to tell. That is the question! I have a couple of different thought paths for this. If you know your family is very religious and not open, then why tell them anything? If you are not in situations that really go outside the vanilla world when your family and friends are around, it is much easier to not bring it up. If you are in a relationship in which you and your partner are seen together by family and they notice that your dynamic is a little different than theirs, you can use different ways to explain it. Instead of trying to explain BDSM, you can tell them that your relationship is like that of a 1950s couple in which the man is the head of the house and the woman follows what he says. If they don't like that, then tell them it's your choice and they don't have to live with it.
If you want to explain the BDSM lifestyle that you live, you have to first think of how much you want to tell them. Do you want to explain the symbolism of a collar? Do you want to explain the whips and chains? I would suggest something almost vanilla. Without putting too much emphasis on the terms Dominant/submissive/Master/slave, explain that your relationship revolves around a mutual fulfillment of needs, complete trust, and respect. That your partner likes to take charge of (insert whatever parts of your life he is in charge) and that you like to follow his directions. Ensure your family that you are not brainwashed, nor are you coerced into this type of relationship. Explain to them the good feelings you get from a relationship such as this (protection, acceptance, love, gratification, freedom, etc). But most of all, show them and tell them how happy living this type of lifestyle makes you feel. I would suggest not referring to 50 Shades of Grey and also leaving out all references to sex and bondage. Those to me are very private and are none of your family's business.
Question #3) "What are your thoughts about being religious while practicing BDSM?"
Religion and BDSM both can be very controversial topics to talk about. When you put them together, it can get downright explosive. They are both a person's individual choice and belief. I think that each person that practices one or both has to come to terms themselves on how they deal with each subject. From what I have read over the years in many different religions, there is nothing that the practice of BDSM. I think you can believe in whatever religion and practice a BDSM lifestyle as long as you don't have conflicts within yourself of the two. What happens if you do come into internal conflict due to some practice of BDSM or because of the way you interpreted a passage in your religious book? This would be where you as a thinking adult with your own belief system has to sit down and figure out what you think is right. I suggest not allowing outside influences sway you to one side or the other when trying to resolve such conflicts. Basically, if you seek the advice of a religious leader or of another peer in the BDSM Lifestyle, think about what they say, but do not blindly follow their lead. If you do, you might not come up with the result that is best for you and your own beliefs.
I hope you enjoyed this week's questions and answers. If you have any additional thoughts or comments, please leave them below and keep the discussion going!
If you have any questions you would like my advice on, please send them to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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Can love exist in a BDSM relationship, or is it just two people satisfying mutual needs and gaining gratification?
Is it Love a sub feels for her Dom or is it 'Dom worship'? Does the Dom really care for His sub or does He just have a more fond feeling and a sense of responsibility for her?
Whether or not love should enter into a dominant / submissive relationship is something that is debated within the BDSM community. Whereas most will agree that there should be some form of caring involved, actually falling in love is often frowned upon. In the kinky world, things are a bit more complicated when it comes to relationship dynamics. There are fewer expectations, I think, of well-defined romantic relationships, than in the non-kinky world. With all the different personal preferences, there are more options than ever.
Those who frown on falling in love would argue that when such intense emotions enter into a BDSM relationship, they can interfere with the Dominant / submissive aspect of the relationship. When a submissive is in love with her Master, she is more prone to feelings of jealousy. She is also more prone to desire all of the things that one associates with falling in love, such as romance, marriage and family. When a Dominant falls in love with his submissive, he may be less likely to subject her to the humiliation, pain and control that he would normally offer to a submissive.
Those who say that falling in love is good in a Dominant / submissive relationship believe that such strong emotions serve to enhance the relationship. They believe that a Dominant who is in love with his submissive will be mindful of his submissive's safety in a way he might not be otherwise. It is also believed that a submissive who is in love with her Dominant will be more serious about the relationship and less prone to play games. She will be more obedient and will put the needs of her dominant first in a way she might not do otherwise.
There are many people I know who are part of different BDSM dynamics, and don’t have romantic relationships with their partners. In my view, love is very important as part of a long-term relationship such vulnerability on a deep level. For me, being with someone as a slave has to include love. However, that’s not always the case. There are several instances where love has nothing to do with it. There are connections such as friendship, service and desire.
Some relationships are sexual, without being more connected than just washing the back of someone who washed yours. Many choose this option when their primary partner (often a marriage partner) is unaware of or unwilling to participate in their kinky desires. This can often lead to cheating, and though non-monogamy is actually approved of in the kink world, dishonesty tends to be frowned upon.
Friendship can also be the basis for a BDSM based relationship. Those who might not want to be sexually involved, or who might want sex and kink but already have a romantic partner with no desire for another, can choose to not get romantically involved with someone. There are people who are married to vanilla partners and are deeply in love with them, but fulfill their kinky needs with others. Though they do that, some have no room, romantically, to love another in that romantic way. Still others cannot see being in love with someone who they might cause pain for, or dominate, or submit to (on the other end of that stick). It’s a choice to separate the two kinds of relationships, and for some it works well.
When embarking on a Dominant / submissive relationship, it is important to decide ahead of time what your boundaries are and communicate them to your partner. Nobody knows ahead of time if they will end up falling in love, but it is important to talk about how you will deal with it if it happens. What if one of you falls in love and the other one doesn't? This seems to be where the biggest problem can be, because the desires of one change whereas the desires of the other remains the same.
Open communication is the key to having a good relationship with your partner. Whether you believe it is a good idea or not to fall in love with your dominant or submissive...communication with one another will help you deal with the issue.
Is it Love a sub feels for her Dom or is it 'Dom worship'? Does the Dom really care for His sub or does He just have a more fond feeling and a sense of responsibility for her?
Whether or not love should enter into a dominant / submissive relationship is something that is debated within the BDSM community. Whereas most will agree that there should be some form of caring involved, actually falling in love is often frowned upon. In the kinky world, things are a bit more complicated when it comes to relationship dynamics. There are fewer expectations, I think, of well-defined romantic relationships, than in the non-kinky world. With all the different personal preferences, there are more options than ever.
Those who frown on falling in love would argue that when such intense emotions enter into a BDSM relationship, they can interfere with the Dominant / submissive aspect of the relationship. When a submissive is in love with her Master, she is more prone to feelings of jealousy. She is also more prone to desire all of the things that one associates with falling in love, such as romance, marriage and family. When a Dominant falls in love with his submissive, he may be less likely to subject her to the humiliation, pain and control that he would normally offer to a submissive.
There are many people I know who are part of different BDSM dynamics, and don’t have romantic relationships with their partners. In my view, love is very important as part of a long-term relationship such vulnerability on a deep level. For me, being with someone as a slave has to include love. However, that’s not always the case. There are several instances where love has nothing to do with it. There are connections such as friendship, service and desire.
Some relationships are sexual, without being more connected than just washing the back of someone who washed yours. Many choose this option when their primary partner (often a marriage partner) is unaware of or unwilling to participate in their kinky desires. This can often lead to cheating, and though non-monogamy is actually approved of in the kink world, dishonesty tends to be frowned upon.
Friendship can also be the basis for a BDSM based relationship. Those who might not want to be sexually involved, or who might want sex and kink but already have a romantic partner with no desire for another, can choose to not get romantically involved with someone. There are people who are married to vanilla partners and are deeply in love with them, but fulfill their kinky needs with others. Though they do that, some have no room, romantically, to love another in that romantic way. Still others cannot see being in love with someone who they might cause pain for, or dominate, or submit to (on the other end of that stick). It’s a choice to separate the two kinds of relationships, and for some it works well.
When embarking on a Dominant / submissive relationship, it is important to decide ahead of time what your boundaries are and communicate them to your partner. Nobody knows ahead of time if they will end up falling in love, but it is important to talk about how you will deal with it if it happens. What if one of you falls in love and the other one doesn't? This seems to be where the biggest problem can be, because the desires of one change whereas the desires of the other remains the same.
Open communication is the key to having a good relationship with your partner. Whether you believe it is a good idea or not to fall in love with your dominant or submissive...communication with one another will help you deal with the issue.
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