Michelle Fegatofi's BDSM Educational Books are now available on Kobo.com too!
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Do you have a secret? A desire you are desperately trying to understand
but just can't find the answers to the puzzle?
In this book, all is Unveiled to you.
It was written by a longtime BDSM submissive slave for those that are searching for answers and trying to understand this internal need to submit and serve another. A need that has driven you to explore the internet, much of the time in secret, for fear of the unknown and the stigma attached to the BDSM Lifestyle. In this non fiction, educational book, lifestyle adviser Michelle Fegatofi guides you through the world of submission, explaining everything from the Basics of BDSM, to much more indepth topics such as dealing with conflicting emotions and avoiding fake Dominants. This all-in-one guide is a must have for new and inexperienced submissives.
Glance through the Table of Contents and the book today! Available online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple iBookstore, and Lulu.com.
BDSM Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within
In this book, all is Unveiled to you.
It was written by a longtime BDSM submissive slave for those that are searching for answers and trying to understand this internal need to submit and serve another. A need that has driven you to explore the internet, much of the time in secret, for fear of the unknown and the stigma attached to the BDSM Lifestyle. In this non fiction, educational book, lifestyle adviser Michelle Fegatofi guides you through the world of submission, explaining everything from the Basics of BDSM, to much more indepth topics such as dealing with conflicting emotions and avoiding fake Dominants. This all-in-one guide is a must have for new and inexperienced submissives.
Glance through the Table of Contents and the book today! Available online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple iBookstore, and Lulu.com.
BDSM Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within
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I was tagged in a post the other day over on Google + asking me for my input and thoughts on a blog classifying submissives into different categories.
The blogger wrote a disclaimer stating he didn't know everything and believed there are so many variations and ways to live, promote, and discuss the lifestyle that everyone will have a different opinion.
The discussion that ensued under the post was very interesting. One person said they refer to themselves as 'pet' because they abhor the word 'slave'. Another person said they did not believe in any references of classes or titles. That a 'true loving relationship can't be classified or measured'. In this, the writer was specifically referring to those in the lifestyle that classify their relationship as a 24/7 relationship or 'boast' about having this type of relationship and went on to state that he didn't care what the world called her, his partner was simply his.
Now, I have a different opinion. I am not saying that those that think differently than I do are wrong. I'm simply stating my opinion. I have many different thoughts on this subject. First is classifications. Do I like them? No. But, are they necessary? Yes. Why? Because I write, speak to, or advise many people from different countries, backgrounds, and levels of understanding about the BDSM Lifestyle. It's a tool that I use to help new people gain a better understanding of their own place in our world. They read many BDSM blogs and BDSM books and get confused. By using classifications such as differences in submissives, they can start to understand that there are many different ways to submit. In every post in which I speak on this, I clarify it by the statement "One can fit into many categories, so don't feel limited by a learning tool".
Now to address what has been termed as 'boasting a 24/7 relationship'. In my own case, it's not a boast, but a fact. I do live it all day and night and 7 days a week. How is this possible? I don't work outside the home. I do work in the field of BDSM. I'm lucky enough to be with my Padrone pretty much 24/7 and even go to work with him and hang out there all night when I'm not sick.
I do use the designation 24/7 slave when describing myself. Why? Because it is who I am and what I see myself as. It is my reality. It also helps other people that read my books or blogs connect to the lifestyle, have a point of reference of what 24/7 slave can really mean in a real life relationship, and at the same time give them another learning tool. If you think about your own life, we all need these types of tools/ titles/ classifications to help us understand the world we live in; To bring understanding to a new and possibly alien subject. Without classifications or titles, there would be chaos. And where there's chaos, there is no learning, enlightenment, or advancement.
At this point, a separate argument was made that promoting the lifestyle in this way was a wrong approach. That it gave self-proclaimed Doms or subs a platform to boast around and give 'lessons' to others. The writer said "I don't want to give lessons to anyone about what they are or how they should consider themselves. D/s is one subtle life discovery that everyone should discover for themselves".
I agree to a certain extent. The way I teach and approach the lifestyle is from one of self discovery. But, as I am approached by literally hundreds of people asking advice, it's one of the ways I can help them. People just discovering or finally admitting, that they have a craving towards BDSM want information. They need to know they aren't dirty, weird or depraved. My blog posts, as well as others on the internet, are a sort of validation that they are not sick or perverted. It's a relief to some and a revelation to others that yes there are more like me! The use of titles and classes is just a stepping stone for the newbies on their journey. And as in the vanilla lifestyle where people pretend to be what they are not, there will always be people that scream to the world they are Dominant or submissive. These are not real and I always point this out to my readers. A real Dominant or submissive doesn't feel the need nor do they want to scream the fact to the world at large.
So, just remember, no matter if you call or consider yourself a Master/Mistress/Sir/Madam/Daddy/Padrone/Maitre/Jarl or sub/slave/pet/babygirl/boy/kajira, they are just ways to help you understand yourself in a different way. There are many levels of submission and dominance. There are many types of D/s relationships. There are many ways you can classify your relationship or yourself. Some do not believe and do not use any titles or classifications. Others use them all the time. Some use them but say they don't believe in them.
There is no right or wrong. There is no correct classification that you have to fit into. It is what you make of it and what works for you and your partner. So, the next time you encounter a classification post or one about titles, whether you agree or not, it was worth the read if it made you think and learn just one more facet of what makes up the huge infinite world of BDSM.
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Titles & Classifications in BDSM
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I was asked by a reader if it's normal for them to be afraid of their Dominant most of the time.
She said that he used fear as means to control her. I advised her that fear is not normal in an everyday situation, but can enhance scenes or sexual play if used in a responsible way.
Fear as it pertains to BDSM is a complicated topic. People in the vanilla world hear the words "I fear punishment" from a submissive, and take it automatically to mean "I fear retribution from my abuser". There is a huge difference between those two statements and situations. First, a submissive should and normally does fear punishment. Not just for the physical pain caused if the punishment is a corporal one, but for the emotional feeling of having displeased their Dominant. The submissive should never fear their Dominant will really hurt them. The second statement implies an abusive relationship in which the person fears for their lives and fears permanent physical harm. In the first situation, consent has been given from the submissive to the Dominant to punish if necessary. In the second situation, consent was not given and the retribution is not wanted.
D/s relationships can create a closeness that vanilla relationship doctors would label "unhealthy" or "co-dependent". Some couples prefer to have extremely close, blended relationships and others prefer more distant partnerships. Attempting to have a close relationship with someone that is looking for a more distant one is a recipe for failure. Naturally, kinky people span this spectrum as much as vanillas. However, couples which identify themselves as Master/slave, owner/property, or even simply monogamous Dom/sub, tend to create their own world together, instead of a merely existing separately but maintaining a love connection.
Any sub or slave that is terrified and/or scared of their Dom is not in a BDSM relationship; they are in an abusive relationship. If you do something wrong and know there is going to be consequences and are prepared to accept them, that is a normal part of BDSM. But, if you are constantly walking on egg shells out of fear of doing something wrong, leave the relationship as fast as you can! You should do things for your Dom out of love, adoration and respect; but never out of shear terror.
A true Dom will earn your respect before even considering taking you on as a sub/slave. You should receive some sort of affirmation from your Dom, at least periodically such as "you please Me" or "you are doing well in your role as My sub/slave". I do realize that there are relationships where the slave is nothing more than a possession, but the sub/slave still must respect their Dom and do things out of a respect, not fear.
Fear, when felt, causes an adrenaline rush in the human body. This can make a person feel stronger, more aware of their environment, and even sexually aroused. Fear, when used in this manner, can indeed create a greatly satisfying encounter for the people involved. In this situation, fear is not detrimental. It is a heightening of responses in the participants. Within BDSM, a submissive may fear something new that they have not tried before, fear their own reactions to things, and fear the unknown. Take anyone and tie them up securely, blindfold them, and either lessen or remove their ability to hear, and the person will feel fear. This fear should not detract from the situation, but instead it should enhance it.
Remember, a BDSM relationship is not an abusive relationship. A Dom may "use and abuse" Their sub/slave just because they want to, but if she/he is constantly terrified of their Dom, they are in an abusive relationship. Trust your instincts. If you are afraid to be alone, just remember, there are plenty of true Doms out there and it's better to be alive in order to look for a true Dom, than end up hurt by an abusive person.
Let me hear your thoughts on the subject! Comment below!
BDSM: Good and Bad Fear
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Respect is very important in the lifestyle.
A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.
Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.
Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your Dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.
Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Master's teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.
If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.
I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.
The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.
A Master’s place is above a submissive or slave and when you are a slave, your place is of complete submission. A Master is very flexible and fair, but rules are important. One of the biggest rules is respect for your Master and those around Him at all times. Failure to do so not only embarrasses those around you, but your Master as well. To embarrass your Master is to cause shame not only on Him but yourself. You represent your Master and if He is not pleased then you are not worthy of His presence.
Sometimes we say things that are mean or hurtful during an argument or disagreement. We also might be very disrespectful or thoughtless with our choice of words if we are stressed or sick. But, as submissives or slaves, we have an extra responsibility to ourselves, our training, and most of all, our Dominants, to think before we speak, even in highly volatile or emotional periods.
Words have power. People are pretty careless with the words they choose when in an emotional or stressful situation. Your words will define who you are and who you are not. Contrary to what many people think, once the words are out of your mouth, no amount of apologizing will put them back in. I know it is really hard to stop when you are so pissed off at your Dominant during an argument, but it is your duty to think. Just because you are in a highly emotional state, don’t ruin your relationship or get your collar taken away by being so careless with your words.
Being a sub or slave means to give all of yourself and to be an example to those around you. Behaving in a manner not befitting a slave shows your training and extends to your Master. People will think of Him as to soft and unworthy of leadership. Therefore a slave should always behave and become a model for others to follow. Master's teachings should be ever present in her everyday activities including in public.
If you are out without your Master, you should always remember what you were taught and your guidelines of how to react if certain situations arise. Even if your Master is not with you and there is no way he would ever find out about your behavior, it is your duty to watch your words, actions, and the way you present yourself to the world because you are a reflection of Him.
I am not saying that you should not defend yourself if you are verbally assaulted or someone says something rude to you, but take the high road and don’t stoop to that level. If you can, just walk away because you are better than getting into street arguments.
The main thing to remember is to always think before you speak. Always remember your place and the respect you have for you Master and yourself.
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Here is a preview of the contents inside my new book, BDSM Basics for Beginners - A Guide for Dominants and Submissives starting to Explore the Lifestyle.
If you are interested in purchasing it, you can get it here:http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi
The paperback is (US) $19.99 and the ebook versions are (US) $8.99.
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Many readers, both Dominants and submissives, send me messages asking about submissive or slave training.
They want to know if there is a "correct" way to do it. I always tell them with respect, compassion, and deep understanding of the individual person and situation.
I believe that just as every person is different, every situation is also. You have to adapt training to fit your submissive's personality, as well as your relationship and lifestyle. If your sub/slave is a brat, you will usually end up giving harsher and more frequent punishments. If they are more meek, mild correction is probably the best way so you don't destroy their confidence and help to build self-esteem, while correcting whatever behavior you do not like. There is no one size fits all.
While I can't give you a manual on how to train your slave, I can give you a general direction and tips to possibly follow.
Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.
The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.
While there are some recognized BDSM ceremonies, such as collaring ceremonies, formal presentation, etc., there are no recognized BDSM rituals. There are however a few points that dominants generally bear in mind when creating and using rituals.
They want to know if there is a "correct" way to do it. I always tell them with respect, compassion, and deep understanding of the individual person and situation.
I believe that just as every person is different, every situation is also. You have to adapt training to fit your submissive's personality, as well as your relationship and lifestyle. If your sub/slave is a brat, you will usually end up giving harsher and more frequent punishments. If they are more meek, mild correction is probably the best way so you don't destroy their confidence and help to build self-esteem, while correcting whatever behavior you do not like. There is no one size fits all.
While I can't give you a manual on how to train your slave, I can give you a general direction and tips to possibly follow.
Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.
The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.
Categories
Physical
- Physical training encompasses all areas requiring movements, positions and postures excluding for our purposes here, things sexual or pertaining to the acquisition of physical skills like dance. There are differences among dominants as to what physical training is desirable and important in the development of a submissive yet some things are commonly taught.Verbal
- At its most basic, verbal training includes how the submissive addresses his or her dominant. It has been my experience that dominants have preferences about how a submissive is permitted to address them and you may be confident that this information will be provided to you.Mental
- Training focused on the mental realm involves things like memorization, keeping a journal, improving concentration skills (i.e., meditation), acquiring new knowledge, improving problem solving skills and learning to bend the will more effectively to that of the dominant through development of greater determination to please and persistence to pursue tasks and assignments to successful conclusion.Emotional
- This is for the purpose of helping a submissive to learn to be more obedient or less willful.Sexual
- Beyond simple male-female penile-vaginal intercourse, possibilities for sexual training topics for the novice submissive include things like:- Learning to experience increased arousal
- Learning to become sexual in new ways
- Overcoming sexual blocks (e.g., mental, moral, ethical, shame)
- Erotic movement (e.g., erotic dance, striptease, pole dancing)
- Restrictions on masturbation frequency
- Orgasm control/denial
- Overcoming body shame
Discipline and Correction
- Some might see these two terms as meaning essentially the same thing. Others might wonder why punishment was not included in the title. To address the latter first, correction may involve punishment but punishment is generally punitive while correction need not be punitive at all.Rituals and Protocols
- A ritual may be defined as any formalized action or set of actions, repeated in a specific and structured way. Rituals are processed at the subconscious level, making the practice of rituals a very effective means of shaping a person's beliefs, self-image, thoughts and behavior. Thus, rituals are a key part of submissive training and a tool often used by dominants.While there are some recognized BDSM ceremonies, such as collaring ceremonies, formal presentation, etc., there are no recognized BDSM rituals. There are however a few points that dominants generally bear in mind when creating and using rituals.
- Rituals have an exactly repeatable structure, basically a script. Repeating the same thing regularly helps it become a habit that sinks deep into the self-conscious.
- Rituals should have a definite purpose, objective or goal. Whether the submissive is aware of it or not, the dominant should be.
- The most effective rituals have a direct link to specific activities or events.
- Rituals should be simple, using relatively few words and acts.
- Rituals should have a definite beginning and end.
- The number of rituals should be limited. Too many and they become difficult to remember, a burden and limit spontaneity.
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So, many of you have been very curious about my experiences as a real life 24/7 slave.
I am pretty open to who and what I am and believe. I always share my own experiences when I think they will help others. So, today's post is about me. I hate talking about myself but, with the amount of questions I have gotten, here goes!
I won't go into my past much, because I see the past as the past, and it is better left right were it is. Of course, it helped shape me into the person I am today, but the person I am today is so much different than I was 2 years ago.
I was at a point in my life where I was completely unhappy, with my work, my relationships, everything. I hated it. I was not in an environment that allowed me to be myself, the true me. I think I had lost the true me, my core self, many years before, because I had to hide who I was from everyone for so long.
I decided to get back in touch with my BDSM submissive roots. I had been trained for 2 1/2 years as a Gorean kajira, starting at the age of 19. Life intervened and I lost touch with BDSM and submission for many years.
I started reading and getting back into the scene via the internet around 1998. There wasn't much of a presence on the net as there is now, but it was there. I participated in many forums and advice columns as well as mentoring new people that had no clue where to start their own journey. Just as I was finding myself again, life intervened and my BDSM activities were put on hold. Over the next several years, career, kids, cancer and epilepsy, as well as the other normal trappings of life kept me away from the scene. I was lost once again.
I decided about 5 years ago that I could not continue living in that box society had forced me into. I had to break free of the shell I was being forced to live in. I felt like a walking zombie in much of my normal day to day life. I was only going through the motions of living, but not enjoying life. There is a HUGE difference from being alive and living your life.
My heart stopped beating on two occasions and I actually was dead, but was brought back. This was due to epilepsy and other circumstances. I also dealt with cancer and won. All of these things happening to me in a relatively short period of time was a HUGE wake up call. I had to get my life back on track and find my way back to being happy. I knew that BDSM, being a submissive, serving a Master that would allow me to be myself was the only way that I could be me and be happy. But, I was in a bad marriage and had two kids. How could I possibly participate in BDSM?
I found cyber BDSM again. I started devouring everything I could read on the scene, remembering my training and the feelings it brought me, of peace and comfort and joy. I started interacting with others in the same boat as myself and together, we helped each other relearn and regain our submissive sides. They had actually never been lost, just put away and forgotten, until we had a chance to bring them out again. I started participating in real life activities again, not sexual, but just around the scene to regain my sense of the Lifestyle.
So, after a while, I met a wonderful, smart, funny man that happened to live half a world away. He had so much wonderful advice and was so caring. He was never overbearing and you could tell, just by speaking to him, he was a natural Dominant. I talked to him and got to know him for several months before becoming his cyber slave in April of 2011.
During my time as his cyber slave, he had many rules that I had to follow. He was very flexible though and understanding because he knew I had to maintain a balance between my real life duties as well as my cyber activities. And sometimes balancing them is very hard. So over the months, we video and phone chatted, IM'd and emailed. I had as much contact with him as I could. I could never get enough. He was the one person that I felt I could just be myself. I instinctively knew I could tell him anything and he would not judge me. I completely opened up and told him about my entire life, past, present and future, wants, needs desires, hurts, dreams... Everything.
Well, in August of 2011, he flew to the USA and I returned with him to Italy, where I have been and remain very happily his 24/7 slave.
I have grown so much in the past 1 1/2 years. I have learned to be myself again. With all of the structure, rules, and guidance that Padrone had built into our ever evolving relationship, I have never felt more safe, loved, protected, cared for, or happy in my life. We have a completely open and honest, two way communication that is the very foundation of our BDSM life. We practice more the M/s part of BDSM than the S&M, but it does govern every part of our lives. I always wear my collar, everywhere I go, with or without Him. I always follow the rules he has given me, and I know the type of answer he would give in situations that might come up in which I need to make a decision.
The form my slavery takes is perhaps different from what many of you think about BDSM slavery. I have many rules, about what I can or can't wear, who I can talk to, when and where I am allowed to go, when to check in when I am out, how long I can be out of the house, and many many more. But, he has given me rules that he knows that make me feel good, happy and safe. He knows without any doubts that I will follow them always. He also knows that if I do slip up and forget something, like to make coffee for him before he wakes up, there is always a reason.
He doesn't punish me for mistakes I make, because they are usually not intentional and are related to side effects from the epilepsy. When would he punish me? I would say he would punish me harshly if I ever do something deliberately, like speak to people on purpose that I'm not supposed to, or start drama, or break some other rule on purpose he has put in place.
Many of you will be thinking at this point that without punishment or correction, that I can't learn from my mistakes. But I do. See, he does correct me. But it's in the form of actual correction and guidance. When I make a mistake, he will show me how to do it correctly. If I make mistakes because my epilepsy is acting up, then he will stand right beside me and tell me step by step how to do whatever the task is that I need to do. This type of correction, for me, reassures me that I am not stupid, but also helps me feel even more loved and protected and accepted by Padrone.
With this kind of Dominating or Mastering, I have grown back into the person I always wanted to be. I have gotten more in touch with myself deeply and know me very well. I don't hide anything from anyone anymore because I feel safe to be me and with Padrone as my Master and life partner, I feel safe to be me.
He has encouraged me to take up writing again because he knows it's a passion of mine. He also knows how much I enjoy helping others in anyway I can, so that's why I started my blogs.
I hope this answers many of your questions and helps you understand a little more about me and my background, as well as the way Padrone and I choose to practice a BDSM lifestyle.
Remember, there really is no right or wrong, and no handbook to BDSM. It's all a matter of consensual, knowledgeable decisions and the way you and your partner interpret BDSM.
Have fun, read, explore and stay safe!
Michelle Fegatofi
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I have been asked by many about different ways to punish unruly or misbehaving subs, when a Dominant should punish their sub and when they should be lenient.
Every BDSM relationship is different, so remember, thoughts on punishments different greatly from couple to couple. Culture, age, and personality all play into the way people see punishment. Below is a mixture of my view on punishment as well as a generalization of what I have read on other blogs and in books about their feelings on the subject.
My Padrone and I have the same thoughts and beliefs when it comes to punishment and hence practice this in our real life, live in, 24/7 Master / slave relationship. Punishment should only be given if a sub deliberately starts or causes trouble or breaks rules that were put in place for her safety. Punishment should doled out all the time because it can have lasting affects on the sub's mental and emotional well being. If you punish a sub for every slight infraction, it can start to make that sub feel worthless, instead of having the opposite effect of making them perform better.
For the 'to punish or not to punish' question, that is entirely up to the Dominant. If you know your sub has difficulties when performing certain tasks for you, but she does perform them to the best of her ability, I would say that you should be understanding and encourage her to keep trying her best. If you punish her for not being able to perform perfectly on the first or even third try, but you see that she has improved, even slightly, then punishing her for not being perfect will just add to the aggravation and disappointment she already feels inside herself.
As a true submissive, she will most likely be feeling like she has let her Dominant down by not performing the task perfectly as he asked. I will use myself as an example of this. I have epilepsy and it does have a long lasting effect on my memory. There are days when I am very slow or something as routine as the steps for making coffee are difficult for me to remember. My Padrone knows me so well and is so in tune with me that he recognizes when I am in one of these 'zones'. I have given him a cup of hot water before because I forgot to add the actual coffee to the machine! He did not punish me or yell, he actually made me feel better because I felt really stupid and was very hard on myself. He helped me laugh about it, went with me back to the machine and told me step by step what to do so that it was still my task to do, but he guided me in my time of need. There are many other examples and stories I could share, but you can see what I mean when I say punishment should fit the circumstances.
Now, if you give your sub a task like having dinner on the table when you get home from work and you find a sandwich when you were expecting a four course meal, you have to stop and think about the actual wording of the order. Did you just tell her to 'have dinner ready and on the table' by the time you get home? Or, did you say 'I want steak and mashed potatoes on the table' by the time I get home? When you give an order or task, make sure you do so in precise wording and are not vague, so there can be no misunderstandings. The more vague you are with a task or command, the more room for interpretation there is for the sub.
If your sub tends to be lazy and take the easiest way out when left with a vague order, I suggest you give her very precise orders where there is little or no room for interpretation. If she tends to be an overachiever or always exceeds your vague orders, then you are safe to continue, as you know she will always meet and beat your commands.
There are subs that love punishment or love to get punished, so they will constantly do things to make their Dominant angry and receive punishment. If you have one of these subs, I suggest you re-evaluate your relationship and how your punishment system works.
There are many different forms of punishment for both real life and cyber submissives. The main thing to remember is the point of punishment. When given, it should be done in a way to ensure the sub knows inside herself why she is being punished. It should also be done in some form or way that the submissive does not like.
As forms of punishments, a Dominant may ground, isolate, assign essays or line writing, time outs, have the slave kneel on
ice/rice/pebbles, control what the sub eats, where they sleep, where they sit, or institute speech restrictions. There are many more forms of punishment, but these are the most widely used. If you notice, I left off spanking and flogging, as many subs are masochists and see these as not a form of punishment but a form of reward. So they will continue to act out just to get spanked more.
Specific Unpleasant Chore
This can include things such as cleaning the stove, cleaning blinds and windows, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, detailing a car, etc. The Dominant can make a list of chores and rotate through them to avoid re-cleaning a recently cleaned item. Chores assigned as punishments should not include chores that are part of the submissives normal duties. It is important to distinguish normal chores from '"punishment chores" or the submissive may start to view all chores as punishment
Sleeping On The Floor (or somewhere other then normal sleep arrangements)
This punishment is can be effective for dealing with a submissive that has become too vanilla in manner. Because of social conditioning this punishment tends to stress the position of the submissive relative to the Dominant.
Standing In A Corner
This is an old standard. It gives the submissive time to think about the infraction. The length of time can vary from few minutes to an hour or more. It is suggested that the Dominant try this punishment for themselves, to get a sense of how difficult this punishment may or may not be for the length of time in question.
This punishment is helpful when the Dominant wants the submissive to think about or research a subject. It is recommended that this punishment be used intermittently rather then regularly to keep the act of writing from taking on a negative connotation.
Kneeling On A Hard Surface
This is a very classic punishment that combines giving the submissive time to think about the infraction with mild physical discomfort. If the length of time to kneel will exceed 20 minutes it is recommended that a full 5 minute break be given after every 20 minutes. Kneeling for too long on a hard surface can cause nerve damage. It is also good to keep in mind that some submissives may not be able to kneel 20 minutes because of physical considerations. It may be that some submissives need to do cycles of 10 minutes of kneeling and 5 minutes of rest.
Kneeling On Uncooked Rice
Kneeling on a hard surface can be made more severe by dropping a handful of uncooked rice on the floor where the submissive is going to kneel. Once the time period is done, the submissive can be instructed to clean up the rice as part of bringing the punishment to a close. This is another punishment where is suggested the Dominant try it for themselves to get a feel of the punishment. The same cautions and time limits apply to this as when kneeling without the rice. The Dominant should also be aware that the rice sometimes causes marking of the skin. Lastly, do not use instant rice as it crumbles and defeats the purpose of using rice.
Food Restrictions
Obviously some common sense is required with using food restrictions as punishment. Being sent to bed without dinner is certainly not going to cause a healthy individual any harm. However, denying a diabetic food after they took their insulin could result in death. One suggested way to use food restrictions is to deny the submissive sweets for a period of time (days/weeks) as a punishment.
Restriction Of Computer, TV Privileges, Etc.
Restriction of recreational access to things such as the computer or TV can be useful motivators when they can be enforced. The restriction can be total, where the submissive is not allowed any access to the items, or it can be limited to a certain amount of time. There is a wide range of options under this heading.
Cold Shower
A brief cold shower can be used as a rather impressive punishment. There are several points to keep in mind when using this as a punishment. First, tap water varies in temperature depending on the time of year. A small difference in temperature makes a huge difference in the severity of the punishment. Next, it is important to define what is meant by "short". Less then 5 minutes is generally quite safe for any fit person; however, 30 seconds can be quite attention getting. This is another 'try it before you use' it type of punishment.
Send The Submissive To A Room By Themselves
This one generally speaks for itself. It gives time for calming down and for reflecting. This is often a good choice when the Dom wants to avoid adding stress to a situation.
Grounding
Being restricted to home can be a relatively effective and low stress punishment. External factors greatly affect the harshness of being restricted to home. This means that the same punishment is more or less severe depending on what else is going on in the submissive's life at the time. Being restricted when one has already bought tickets to a concert is more significant then being restricted when one has no plans.
Speech Restrictions
Speech restrictions can range from requiring the submissive to speak in third person to requiring the submissive to not speak at all for a period of time. When silence is used as a punishment it is helpful to have the submissive carry around a notebook and pen so they can convey necessary information. Requiring a submissive to speak in third person is an effective way to make the submissive aware of self-centered behavior. Many times a submissive may not be aware of how just often they refer to their own opinions and desires in casual speech.
Public Apology
Apologizing in a public forum stresses humility. The Dominant must carefully consider the reaction of those who are going to hear the apology.
Financial Penalties - Allowance Restrictions
If the Dominant controls the finances in the relationship restricting spending money can be used as a punishment. This is same as a parent withholding allowance and generally works best over shorter terms such as a week to a month. When it becomes longer then a month the punishment starts to become the norm.
Lecture
A good old-fashioned lecture can be an effective punishment. The lecture should include what specifically was wrong with the submissive's behavior and why it was wrong. The lecture should also include what the submissive should have done under the circumstance and why. If the submissive is required to maintain a physically stressful position during the lecture (such as kneeling) then the Dominant must also keep in mind cautions associated with the physical position such as time limits.
Dominant Expressing Anger
As odd as it may sound to some, the simple expression that the Dominant is angry at the submissive often carries a fair amount of punishment value. However, a fair number of submissives are inclined to view criticism and/or the expression of anger as an indication that the Dominant does not care about them. This can be nightmare of a problem and it is one that Dominants should always keep in mind.
So, in closing, always keep safety in mind, as well as the purpose of the punishment. Make sure the punishment fits the crime, it is a punishment that the sub does not like, and the lesson will be learned without lasting mental, emotional, or physical harm.
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