During the Holiday season, it can be very difficult to purchase presents for that special someone in your life. Now that you are either thinking about or have already started to explore the world of BDSM, you may want to add some Lifestyle related packages under the tree for your partner.
For people that have no or little experience, here is a list of items that you may want to include in what I like to refer to as a 'BDSM Starter Kit'. They include safe items that you can incorporate into your sex life to help the transition from a missionary vanilla style to a more Kink based exploration.
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For people that have no or little experience, here is a list of items that you may want to include in what I like to refer to as a 'BDSM Starter Kit'. They include safe items that you can incorporate into your sex life to help the transition from a missionary vanilla style to a more Kink based exploration.
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| BDSM Starter Kit |
- Educational Books about the BDSM Lifestyle (Books of this type can help your partner to better understand BDSM but also help them begin to understand themselves more in depth)
- Restraints with Velcro Quick Release
- Soft Paddles
- Flavored/Edible Lubes
- Blindfolds
- Items for Sensory Play (Feather, soft fabric, etc)
If you have been in the BDSM scene for a while and want to advance your S&M play or just want to get a special present for your partner, I recommend commissioning a Whip or Flogger from a reputable maker in the materials and colors you specify.
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| Christmas Flogger Present |
If you are looking to get your partner a gift that is not sex toy related, then some of these ideas might be perfect for you:
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| BDSM Christmas Present Ideas |
- Erotica Books by their Favorite Author
- Body Frangrances
- Specalized BDSM related Jewerly (including new collars)
- Lingerie (Leather, Latex, Lacey)
- Candles or Aromatherapy fragrances
- Floor cushion for the submissive
- Day Spa trips
- Massages
- Special symbol tattooed
Any of these items could be expanded to include a huge list, but I wanted to go with a small general list of ideas to help those of you that had no idea what you wanted to buy for your partner.
I hope you enjoy these ideas and they help you have a wonderful and gift filled holiday season!
If you have any more ideas or holiday hints you would like to contribute, please leave them in the comment section below!
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Everyday, we go through our daily lives in the vanilla world.
When we go to work, take the kids to school, go shopping, visit friends, or just go about our routines, we are surrounded by normal or "vanilla" people. We all maintain some level of "normal/vanilla" so we don't draw undue attention to ourselves or our lifestyle.
The majority of people following BDSM blogs or sites are entirely vanilla except for the brief moments in time when they are online or in the bedroom and get to explore the BDSM side of their personality. Now, there are many people and couples like myself that live the lifestyle 24/7, but the majority do not.
So, if you want to incorporate more of the Lifestyle into your daily life, without upsetting your vanilla world too much, how would you do that? The following tips can be used in cyber or real life relationships.
Dominants
Submissives
These are but a few of the rules you can incorporate into your relationship to help you feel more submissive or Dominant in a vanilla world.
When we go to work, take the kids to school, go shopping, visit friends, or just go about our routines, we are surrounded by normal or "vanilla" people. We all maintain some level of "normal/vanilla" so we don't draw undue attention to ourselves or our lifestyle.
The majority of people following BDSM blogs or sites are entirely vanilla except for the brief moments in time when they are online or in the bedroom and get to explore the BDSM side of their personality. Now, there are many people and couples like myself that live the lifestyle 24/7, but the majority do not.
So, if you want to incorporate more of the Lifestyle into your daily life, without upsetting your vanilla world too much, how would you do that? The following tips can be used in cyber or real life relationships.
Dominants
- Have your submissive use text messaging or email to check-in with you certain times of the day to let you know where they are.
- Give your submissive specific orders of what to wear (color of panties each day; heels or flat shoes; dress or pants, etc...)
- Give your submissive a token of her position to wear as a reminder (collar, bracelet, ring)
- Give her orders of what color to paint her nails each week
- Give her reasonable tasks to follow each day
Submissives
- Keep a photo record of the places you go or tasks you accomplish during the day and send them to your Dominant.
- Use a GPS tracking software on your cell phone to allow your Dominant to see your whereabouts anytime they want to.
- Send a text message when you arrive and when you leave a new location
- Write an email of what your daily schedule for that day and send it to your Dominant either the night before or first thing in the morning
These are but a few of the rules you can incorporate into your relationship to help you feel more submissive or Dominant in a vanilla world.
If you have any other suggestions, please comment below. We love hearing from you!
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After a while, even with the kink that goes on in a BDSM relationship, things can become routine.
A spanking is just another spanking, or serving becomes so routine you can do it with out thought. In time, all relationships can get into a rut. Here are some things you might try to spice up your relationship with your Dom or sub partner.
All the Kink, but None of the Thrill
If you are a couple that incorporates some or many BDSM toys in your daily or weekly sex life and you or your partner are not getting the same thrill or zing from it, it may be time to go back to basics.
Recently, I received an email from a fan that was having trouble achieving an orgasm. She stated that her Dom uses the same toys every session, even if in different orders, and that he uses many different ones. I recommended them going back to basics.
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See, the human body has many pleasure and pain points. There are many toys on the market (bondage, vibrators, clamps, blindfolds, dildos, floggers, paddles, etc...) that do very good jobs at enhancing sexual arousal and pleasure. But, if you use all of the toys mentioned above for every scene or session, after time, depending on the person, it can become routine and your body gets used to them.
I suggested she set down with her Dominant and discuss this problem. She did and they got rid of all but one toy and decided to change up the toys from scene to scene and to sometimes leave them out all together, using only hands and the ability to obey, as their "tools". I received an email about 3 weeks later and she said that it worked! She had orgasmed every time.
Back to Basics Suggestions:
If you are used to letting toys do the work of arousing and teasing your sub, then you should learn or re-learn to use your mind, body and voice as your only tools.
Voice - Use your most dominant sounding voice to command your sub to stay in certain positions (on all fours, flat on back knees raised, arms to the side, standing at attention legs wide apart, etc...). The sound and power that comes from a natural dominant's commands will sink into a sub's mind and stimulate not only her need and wish to submit to whatever you say, but will also activate her sexual desires as well. Remember, the mind is the most sensual sexual organ we possess.
Body - Use your hands to tease the sub's body. Play with her breasts and nipples, touching light to hard. Experiment with lightly touching her with just your fingertips all over her body while she is laying still and commanded not to move. Use your lips to nibble and reign kisses all over her neck, arms, legs, and torso (front and back) while skipping over her clit and nipples. This builds anticipation and will be unexpected. Have her lay on her stomach with legs spread and lay down on top of her, teasing her vagina with your penis without actually inserting it. Play with her. Enjoy the feeling of your skin on hers. Of the differences between the two of you and how wonderful you both feel touching each other.
Mind - This is your biggest asset, because this is where all the feelings and stimulus that you are doing to her body end up going. Use your imagination. Allow yourself to act out your fantasies with her. Get into her mind, make it sensual and sexy. Make her feel deeply how much you want her by showing her physically and telling her verbally.
Sometimes we forget how to actually connect with our partners without using toys, bondage, or other stimuli. Even if you aren't having issues because of incorporating too many things, take a step back every now and then and embrace a simpler but very sexy and sensual form of sex.
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Hello all!
Well, in case you haven't heard, over on FB over 90 BDSM pages have been deleted because of this ridiculous witch hunt started by those freakin feminist groups that have nothing better to do than judge our lifestyle by their values. One of those pages was my page named BDSM International.
Please if you have not already, go here and sign the petition to stop BDSM pages from being targeted as violent pages when we are not!
http://www.change.org/petitions/facebook-stop-targeting-bdsm-pages-as-violence-against-women?utm_campaign=share_button_mobile&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition
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New people tend to want to jump in head first into a BDSM relationship without having any clue what will make them happy or really having even the most basic understand of a true M/s or D/s relationship.
Each time I shake my head and tell myself "here is another one with no clue". It is a relationship that always ends up in heartbreak.
After being inundated with several questions about various do's and don'ts in a BDSM relationship, I decided pose a question to my FB audience asking them what they thought would be a Deadly Sin in a BDSM relationship.
Here is an amalgamation of the answers:
- Dishonesty - outright lying, with holding information of any kind, being fake about likes or responses
- Disrespect - topping from the bottom, talking about your Dom in a bad way to others
- Infidelity - taking orders from other Dominants, flirting or interacting with others without permission
- Not taking care of yourself properly
- Not using a safe word
- Not communicating openly
- Topping from the bottom
Now, after reading the list, you are thinking that many of the items listed are the same things you should not do in any type of relationship, vanilla or BDSM. That is true. But, in our world, committing any of these 'sins', can cause a deeper wound just from the fact that our connections tend to be deeper than those in a vanilla relationship.
Many people will take anything. This is a statement that applies equally to both dominant and submissive people. When you see what happens, especially online, you will agree with this sentiment. People submit to one simply because he says he is a "Dom" (or Master). It never occurs to them to question the validity of what this person is truly about. They simply take the statements as fact and whatever the Dom does or says as Law.
Why do I call this list "Deadly Sins"? Because, as a submissive, every 'sin' could be grounds for a harsh punishment, or if bad enough, your collar taken away. As a Dominant, these could cause your sub to lose trust in you and your fellow Dominants to lose all respect for you.
The online world is wrought with fakes, pretenders, and disappointment. We all encounter the same thing. Persistence is something that is required. Some are fortunate to hit what they like the first time; most are not. It takes a while to sift through all that doesn't work before finding what does. BDSM relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect, and open communication. That includes many branches, such as not lying, respecting your role and not overstepping your bounds.
So, bottom line, don't commit any of the 'Deadly Sins' and always keep communications open and honest.
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Being a BBW, that's the acronym for Big Beautiful Woman for those who don't know, and kinky can be challenging in a multitude of ways.
One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
One of the ways in which it isn't challenging is in finding play partners that are attracted to full figured women.
It is a myth that attractive, educated, intelligent, witty men are only attracted to women that resemble prepubescent boys wearing short skirts and sporting a set of inflatable boobs. Think I'm just assuaging a jealousy I won't admit to? Do a Google search for "BBW porn". I did, just to have statistical information to support my claim - and you'll get a listing of roughly 25,600,000 sites to chose from. Honestly, if there wasn't a demand for it, would there be so many sites dedicated to offering and charging for access to it? And that is just one search phrase on one search engine.
In my experience I have seen thin women ask in astonishment, "how did she get him?" when seeing a BBW being escorted by an attractive and buff male. It's annoying. The insinuation is like saying that attractive men are not from the same species as plus sized women, as if we have to perform some black magic trick or drug them into finding us desirable.
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your submission.
- If do not carry yourself with pride, you are not showing the world and your Dominant how proud you are to be a submissive.
- If you are self-conscious during a scene or playtime, you are not being submitting to your Dominant because you should not care what you look like, but only pleasing and obeying.
- If you are always worrying about being graceful or looking silly when in some submissive position your Dominant puts you in, your mind is not in submissive mode, but elsewhere.
Don't let a negative body image distract you, take away your pleasure, or ruin your submission.
- Appreciate all that your body can do. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you — running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.
- Keep a top-ten list of things you like about yourself — things that aren’t related to how much you weight or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.
- Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
- Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you – as a whole person.
- Avoid looking at fashion magazines or catalogs that endorse emaciated women as the beauty ideal.
- Throw the scale away!!!
- Never forget You ARE Good enough!
check also this:
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Pet Play or Animal roleplay may be either a non-sexual or an erotic sexual role-play (when it may also be called petplay, ponyplay, ponyism or pup-play).
In its erotic sexual role-play form, one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal or in a sexual context may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).
The principal theme of animal role play is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status, and focus on the altered mind-space created. The most common examples are probably canines (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Animal role play is also used in a BDSM context, where a person may be humiliated by being treated as an animal.
Not all Pet Play is animalistic behavior. Sometimes you just want to dress up as an animal and have some fun.
Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the
home.
It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.
Puppy training has become really popular with some dominants and masters to help their submissives know what it means to be completely dependent on another and also to teach them how to respond to non verbal and verbal clues quicker and more effectively. Some submissives have been taught their place again by just incorporating a few days of puppy play into the relationship every few months. Being a puppy gives one lots of time to think and this also helps when a submissive or slave has lost their way.
How does one engage in pet play?
Pet play can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.
In its erotic sexual role-play form, one or more of the participants takes on the role of a real or imaginary animal in character, including appropriate mannerisms and behavior, and sometimes a partner will act as another animal or in a sexual context may take the role of rider, trainer, or caretaker (or even breeding partner).
The principal theme of animal role play is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status, and focus on the altered mind-space created. The most common examples are probably canines (pup, dog, wolf), felines (cat, kitten, lion) or equines (pony, horse). Animal role play is also used in a BDSM context, where a person may be humiliated by being treated as an animal.
Not all Pet Play is animalistic behavior. Sometimes you just want to dress up as an animal and have some fun.
Why pet play?
One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the
home.
It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.
Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.
Puppy training has become really popular with some dominants and masters to help their submissives know what it means to be completely dependent on another and also to teach them how to respond to non verbal and verbal clues quicker and more effectively. Some submissives have been taught their place again by just incorporating a few days of puppy play into the relationship every few months. Being a puppy gives one lots of time to think and this also helps when a submissive or slave has lost their way.
How does one engage in pet play?
- Restrict movement via bondage.
- Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.
- Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.
- Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.
- Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.
- Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.
- Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.
- Caging.
- Not being allowed on furniture without permission.
Pet play can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.
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Many readers, both Dominants and submissives, send me messages asking about submissive or slave training.
They want to know if there is a "correct" way to do it. I always tell them with respect, compassion, and deep understanding of the individual person and situation.
I believe that just as every person is different, every situation is also. You have to adapt training to fit your submissive's personality, as well as your relationship and lifestyle. If your sub/slave is a brat, you will usually end up giving harsher and more frequent punishments. If they are more meek, mild correction is probably the best way so you don't destroy their confidence and help to build self-esteem, while correcting whatever behavior you do not like. There is no one size fits all.
While I can't give you a manual on how to train your slave, I can give you a general direction and tips to possibly follow.
Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.
The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.
While there are some recognized BDSM ceremonies, such as collaring ceremonies, formal presentation, etc., there are no recognized BDSM rituals. There are however a few points that dominants generally bear in mind when creating and using rituals.
They want to know if there is a "correct" way to do it. I always tell them with respect, compassion, and deep understanding of the individual person and situation.
I believe that just as every person is different, every situation is also. You have to adapt training to fit your submissive's personality, as well as your relationship and lifestyle. If your sub/slave is a brat, you will usually end up giving harsher and more frequent punishments. If they are more meek, mild correction is probably the best way so you don't destroy their confidence and help to build self-esteem, while correcting whatever behavior you do not like. There is no one size fits all.
While I can't give you a manual on how to train your slave, I can give you a general direction and tips to possibly follow.
Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.
The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.
Categories
Physical
- Physical training encompasses all areas requiring movements, positions and postures excluding for our purposes here, things sexual or pertaining to the acquisition of physical skills like dance. There are differences among dominants as to what physical training is desirable and important in the development of a submissive yet some things are commonly taught.Verbal
- At its most basic, verbal training includes how the submissive addresses his or her dominant. It has been my experience that dominants have preferences about how a submissive is permitted to address them and you may be confident that this information will be provided to you.Mental
- Training focused on the mental realm involves things like memorization, keeping a journal, improving concentration skills (i.e., meditation), acquiring new knowledge, improving problem solving skills and learning to bend the will more effectively to that of the dominant through development of greater determination to please and persistence to pursue tasks and assignments to successful conclusion.Emotional
- This is for the purpose of helping a submissive to learn to be more obedient or less willful.Sexual
- Beyond simple male-female penile-vaginal intercourse, possibilities for sexual training topics for the novice submissive include things like:- Learning to experience increased arousal
- Learning to become sexual in new ways
- Overcoming sexual blocks (e.g., mental, moral, ethical, shame)
- Erotic movement (e.g., erotic dance, striptease, pole dancing)
- Restrictions on masturbation frequency
- Orgasm control/denial
- Overcoming body shame
Discipline and Correction
- Some might see these two terms as meaning essentially the same thing. Others might wonder why punishment was not included in the title. To address the latter first, correction may involve punishment but punishment is generally punitive while correction need not be punitive at all.Rituals and Protocols
- A ritual may be defined as any formalized action or set of actions, repeated in a specific and structured way. Rituals are processed at the subconscious level, making the practice of rituals a very effective means of shaping a person's beliefs, self-image, thoughts and behavior. Thus, rituals are a key part of submissive training and a tool often used by dominants.While there are some recognized BDSM ceremonies, such as collaring ceremonies, formal presentation, etc., there are no recognized BDSM rituals. There are however a few points that dominants generally bear in mind when creating and using rituals.
- Rituals have an exactly repeatable structure, basically a script. Repeating the same thing regularly helps it become a habit that sinks deep into the self-conscious.
- Rituals should have a definite purpose, objective or goal. Whether the submissive is aware of it or not, the dominant should be.
- The most effective rituals have a direct link to specific activities or events.
- Rituals should be simple, using relatively few words and acts.
- Rituals should have a definite beginning and end.
- The number of rituals should be limited. Too many and they become difficult to remember, a burden and limit spontaneity.
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You have been drawn to the world of BDSM, but searching for one book to give you an overview of both Dominance and Submission.
This book provides you with descriptions of all roles, different BDSM relationships, commonly used terms, guidelines for roles and responsibilities, and much more. After reading this book, you should have a well rounded foundation to start your journey further into the ever changing world that is known as BDSM.
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Have you ever heard the expression 'Sometimes Life gets in the way'?
I can honestly say that is a true statement. You're going along your normal routine with slight variations here and there, but pretty much the same daily routine, when all of a sudden, BAM! Here comes Life with one if its twisted little delays or side roads.
That is what the past 2 weeks have felt like for me during the construction and renovations that have been taking place. My normal, somewhat orderly world as a 24/7 slave was completely turned inside out and upside down. The noise and dust took away my concentration from my work on the internet because I had to concentrate on stuff here at home. I was unable to perform even the most basic of duties because of all the upheaval. If you have been in the lifestyle for any amount of time, you will understand how that can upset a dedicated slave and make them feel as though they were not up to par.
This is when Padrone had me take a step back and revisit some of my own lessons learned in how to cope with frustration and anger, but also to practice patience. I am not known as a very patient person.
I was busy with painting, organizing, cleaning, and trying to also perform my normal duties as well as I could. You have to remember, even though I teach and right about many different aspects in managing and maintaining a 24/7 M/s relationship, I have to sometimes step back and practice what I preach. I had to silence the negative voices in my own head. Had to remind myself that I was doing the best I could with the situation I had.
When you are in a situation that you can't control, that you have to deal with, the best thing to do is try to see the end of it and stay positive. This is not a lesson in BDSM, just a life lesson. Stay as positive as you can and keep your head up. If you are in a situation that you think a temporary change in your submissive duties would help you mentally or emotionally, then talk to your Dominant.
And remember, communication is also one of the best tools you can utilize. Talk to your Dominant about your frustrations, anger, or doubts. If it involves them, then tell them so. Never hold anything back, but always be respectful.
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While looking at many different BDSM submissive/slave profiles on various internet sites, the one thing that stood out over and over was the amount of people that refer to themselves as worthless.
I read deeper into them to try to see if there was more to it than just the normal self derision that most people think about themselves. But, shockingly, I found that a lot of people (men and women both) honestly think they are worthless and not worthy of being the dirt on the bottom of a shoe.
So, I pose this question to you, the ones that have this word WORTHLESS on your profiles and actually think this way, if you think you are so worthless, how do you even propose to say you are a BDSM submissive or slave? You see, in the world that I have inhabited for over 20 years off and on, no sub that meant anything to anyone, saw themselves as worthless. How can you expect to be the property of and make your Dominant proud, if you actually think you are worthless? You can't.
Yes, I know that many masochists are into humiliation, but this is a different mentality. I am not talking about being called the normal names that the harshist Sadists use on their subs. I mean the subs that actually see themselves as not worthy of being a sub or slave.
In the normal, vanilla world, worthless is a word that is widely used by bullies and abusers to mentally break down and torment their victim. I think many people that were abused in their early lives have brought that baggage into BDSM relationships and can't figure out why they keep getting uncollared or not ever being considered for a collar in the first place. That's because the majority of Dominants do not want a submissive that has that mental attitude.
Submission is a gift that when nurtured properly, can turn into the most wonderful and best lifestyle you can imagine. Learning your Dominant's likes and dislikes, rules and guidelines, protocols and rituals, all combine to make for a very interesting and wonderful journey, not only in becoming a better submissive, but also in learning the deeper inner part of yourself.
So, look at your profiles on the internet and if you do have the word WORTHLESS in it, please consider the actual meaning behind that word and think really hard if you want to portray that type of persona.
BDSM, Dominance/submission, S&M are all variables in this wonderful lifestyle we all are either learning about or actually living. There is no closer relationship that I know of than that of a Dominant and his/her submissive.
And that relationship is priceless...
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I am sure that if you are following me or reading this post, that you have heard about the Collar. I get many questions asking What is a collar?
Why do submissives wear them? What is the significance? What are they made of? So, I hope I cover all you wanted to know, and then some, about the BDSM Collar.
First, I have to say that the collar is not a fashion statement. If you really believe and want to live, what I consider, a true BDSM Lifestyle, you have to understand the meaning of a collar. Many people on the internet will give a virtual collar to anyone and then a week later, you will see they are not together anymore. In my opinion, this is not a true collaring, it's more along the lines of 'it sounds cool so let's do it'.
What is a Collar?
A collar is a device of any material placed around the neck of the submissive to signify many things. The main significance is that the sub wearing it is either taken or owned by a particular Dominant.
A Little History
Collars in historical times were put on slaves as to identify who owned them. To collar someone at the neck meant that you hold that person in ultimate control. Today's purpose in the BDSM lifestyle community collars carry many different meanings depending on the individual, but generally speaking the significance of the collar is the same - a person has control over another. One very important distinction from our historical counterpart rests in the consensual nature of the collar.
Collars were used as part of metal restraints in ancient times. However, iron collars were also used by the Romans to identify slaves and even give instructions for their return. It is likely that these historical precedents led to the association of slavery with collars in subcultures like Old Guard leather and in BDSM fiction, such as the Story of O and the Gor series.
Gay leathermen traditionally used a padlocked chain to collar their slaves. A tradition developed in some leather bars in the 1980s of wearing a collar with an open padlock to indicate that one was seeking a partner, and a closed padlock to indicate that one was in a relationship. This symbolism became less common in the 1990s as even in gay leather bars, many men began wearing collars for reasons of fashion rather than to indicate a relationship (or desire for a relationship). Also, many older leathermen were quite offended when younger men began flagging with unlocked collars. Traditionally, the top owned the collar and locked it on his slave. Slaves or potential slaves did not collar themselves.
Types of Collars and When You Get One
Typically, a Dominant will pick the collar out for her submissive. She may involve him in the process, but normally the decision is all hers. A physical collar may be a simple chain with a padlock, a dog collar bought at the local pet store, or even a piece of costume jewelry bought at the mall. Depending on the relationship, and their needs, a collar may lock, but it is almost equally likely that it will not.
The first collar is called a collar of consideration and indicates that a submissive is being considered for training by a new dominant.
The second type of collar is the training collar. This means that a submissive and dominant have moved on to a training contract and are probably moving onward to being a long term couple.
The final collar is the one placed around the submissive's neck when the dominant claims that submissive permanently If it is a long term relationship, this collar would normally be lockable and made from some really durable material or metal that looks like jewelry.
There are also collars known as play collars. This collar is placed around the neck of the submissive when the dominant wants to play and protect the submissive during a scene.
In its material form, it may take many shapes. It may be a simple leather dog collar, chain, steel, a necklace, a ring, a bracelet, an anklet, or some other body decoration. It can take the physical form of a brand, a tattoo, or body piercings. Most collars seem to be designed to feel strong and secure in the relationship negotiated or formed.
Collaring Ceremonies
The ceremony may be intimate, just between the Master and slave involved, or it may be a large event with friends and family invited. If they are in an online only relationship, it may be a simple phone call, or online chat where descriptive chat is typed out. In any event, no matter where the event is held, or who attends, it should be seen as a somber event with bit of significance in our lifestyle, as a wedding is in the vanilla world.
So remember, a collar is not a fashion statement. It is a symbol of a type of deep commitment you have with your Dominant. It reminds you of the set of rules, guidelines and values you must live by while you have it on. It is a precious thing and should not be entered into lightly.
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