I would like to re-introduce you to a wonderful couple, Master Grimm and Slave Nalani. They are a 24/7 BDSM couple that live the lifestyle while being cross-country truck drivers. If you have not read the first part or second part of their story, I encourage you to read them before continuing on with this one. Enjoy this third installment of their truly wonderful story.
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| Slave Nalani & Master Grimm |
After I had my first phone call with the Man I didn't know, had only seen a picture of, and to whom I said for the first-time "Hello Master", I was so happy my stomach felt different that night! It was already late at night so I couldn't get back online to send Him a message to tell Him how much I appreciated our first voice contact. So I texted Him from my cellphone!
The next day, I went to the store and reloaded my cellphone and tried to connect to Facebook to see if that was working. It did and I was so happy that I was able to keep in contact with Him. Shortly afterwards, I got a cheap laptop that almost felt apart, so I could stay in the comfort of my own house and remain in contact with Him. Why I felt so close to Him, needing to have contact with Him, I still needed to figure out because I didn't know Him at all.
I kept in contact with Him through my cell phone while waiting for my own internet to be hooked up. Our conversations became longer and we also sent many messages back and forth online. We talked about everything; about myself, about Him and answered questions about what we both needed and was looking for. I felt like a little girl who had fallen in love with her first boyfriend.
Since that day, December 6, 2010, everything changed inside my head! My time schedule was all messed up because there was a 9 hours’ time difference between Europe and America. Did I mention I barely got any sleep? Just to watch Him posting something on His wall, and of course, to write Him as much as possible kept me awake!
Almost every day, I bought an overseas calling card to be able to call Him. The longer I could hear His strong voice, the bigger my happiness became! We laughed a lot too though, but we also had serious conversations about life, love, and the BDSM Lifestyle. He explained to me how He wanted to live the Lifestyle again because He missed it very much. He had been hurt too much before, so He was very cautious allowing somebody else back into His life!
I totally understood what He was talking about and how it felt to be hurt over and over again, so I told Him that I hope to make His pain softer even though we had only phone and online contact! I installed Yahoo messenger so we could have video voice contact, but my stupid cheap laptop didn't have a camera on it, so we stayed with only voice calls. They worked perfectly and we talked for many straight hours!
When He stopped working and parked, He always pulled out His laptop so He could make His voice calls to me. My laptop never closed down unless I was outside the house working. It was all so very new to me but exciting at the same time! He always made time for me to text and to let me call Him if He wasn't on His laptop. At times, it was hard for Him to contact me because He is a truck driver and would have low or no signal. When I didn't hear Him, I was sad and tears would run over my face. I wrote Him messages to His inbox to make myself feel better and more peaceful. The next time He could see them, He had a bunch of reading to do! Yea, I kept Him busy with my writing, but He loved it!
As the days passed by, our conversations increasingly became about the future, our future, because we had built up such a strong connection together. We started thinking about being with each other in real life. I remember I told Him a few times "I will start walking now so I can meet you" or "I will take a bicycle then I will be there shortly". Then He would say “How about the ocean?" Gosh I started laughing hard while I was trying to answer to answer His question with “oh I can swim it!" This Man was and still is so funny, He cracks me up often.
He asked me how it was in Europe and how things were going. I explained to Him that it was pretty cool and easy, and then He said "How about me moving out there to be with you?" For a second I was quiet, shocked, happy, excited, and thinking “Does He really mean this?” So I asked Him, what about your family, your friends, your work? I said that it would be amazingly awesome! I have internet now at home so you can keep in contact with everyone. But how are you going to do this? He answered back "I am old enough to do what I want, friends I don't really have and my family will understand". All I could say was are you serious? Do you really mean this? “Yes” He said, “I want to be happy with you and I will do anything it takes to be together with you." Oh I felt so happy, my whole world turned into a beautiful colorful flower bouquet! That this Man that I just know for less than a month, which I found online, is telling me that He would do anything to be with me!
He waited a little to tell His family because this whole situation was new for Him as well. He needed to get used to the idea, plus His other relationships had never worked out for Him. He was married twice before and both times, He ended up very hurt and disrespected! He had some girlfriends who didn't treat Him right and used Him. In His first lifestyle experience, He had 3 slaves and again, He ended up being disrespected. His last slave couldn't give Him what He wanted or needed! So yes, I totally understood why He needed to get used to the idea. He needed to feel inside His heart that I would never hurt Him! At that time, He was 46 years old and all he wanted was to be a happy peaceful Dominant who could live His life how He wanted and needed. I was submissive girl that wanted a Real Man, a Dominant, a Master with whom I could live with the way He wanted, full of love and peace in both our hearts and not ending up hurt again! Sounds understandable right? To us it did!
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Think about when you are happiest.
Is it when you are in submissive situations? Serving your Dominant? Do you get grumpy or feel out of sorts when life or other outside forces disturb your well established, submissive routines? What happens if many things hit you all at once and totally screw up the nice little world you and your Dominant have worked so hard to establish and maintain?
As many of you know, if you read me on a pretty regular basis, I am pretty much a happy person all the time. Yes, of course I have days or times I am not as happy as others, but as a whole I do see a world full of rainbows. The main reason is due to the wonderful, happy bubble my Padrone Marco Fegatofi keeps me in all the time. He knows that I am most happy when I am serving him, following his instructions, working on our internet pages, etc. He always tries to keep any negativity, stress, drama, and other bad things away from me and deals with them by himself. He has done an extremely good job over the past two years we have lived together.
But every now and then, my happy bubble gets a leak! In the course of a week, too many negatives hit me all at once. So, now that a couple of weeks have passed, I have to look into my inner self and try to re-balance my inner submissive and reestablish my happy bubble.
First, to make it clear, my submissiveness to Padrone has never waned. My inner happy balance has taken several hits though. I don't deal with stress well and if bad news comes in different ways all at once, well, I have seizures. That's my body's way of dealing with it because of my epilepsy. Now that the worst of the negative things have passed, how do I get my happy bubble back and sealed once again?
Is it when you are in submissive situations? Serving your Dominant? Do you get grumpy or feel out of sorts when life or other outside forces disturb your well established, submissive routines? What happens if many things hit you all at once and totally screw up the nice little world you and your Dominant have worked so hard to establish and maintain?
As many of you know, if you read me on a pretty regular basis, I am pretty much a happy person all the time. Yes, of course I have days or times I am not as happy as others, but as a whole I do see a world full of rainbows. The main reason is due to the wonderful, happy bubble my Padrone Marco Fegatofi keeps me in all the time. He knows that I am most happy when I am serving him, following his instructions, working on our internet pages, etc. He always tries to keep any negativity, stress, drama, and other bad things away from me and deals with them by himself. He has done an extremely good job over the past two years we have lived together.
But every now and then, my happy bubble gets a leak! In the course of a week, too many negatives hit me all at once. So, now that a couple of weeks have passed, I have to look into my inner self and try to re-balance my inner submissive and reestablish my happy bubble.
First, to make it clear, my submissiveness to Padrone has never waned. My inner happy balance has taken several hits though. I don't deal with stress well and if bad news comes in different ways all at once, well, I have seizures. That's my body's way of dealing with it because of my epilepsy. Now that the worst of the negative things have passed, how do I get my happy bubble back and sealed once again?
- I remind myself of how lucky I am to be with the man and Master of my dreams.
- I remind myself that the negatives are past so now it is time to forget them and move on.
- I asked Padrone for more attention and snuggle time. That always helps me come back into balance whenever it gets out of whack.
- I write about my experience in hopes that it will help others that may go through similar hard times. Writing and helping others always make me feel good.
- First, make sure your connection with your Dominant is solid and lean on him/her.
- Second, do more of the things that make you happy (Submissive tasks, writing, cooking, family time, Dominant attention time, etc). Make sure whatever it is that makes your world a happy place normally, is being done on a daily basis if you can.
- Third, take time every day to remind yourself of what you have to be grateful for and happy about.
- Forth, try to let the negative feelings go. This is the hardest thing for me. But after bad events are over and done with, it does your body and mind no good to dwell on them. Look to the future.
- Fifth, think of your happy place! My personal happy place is when I am in Padrone's arms. That is my shelter and when I feel the best. Is yours when you are on your knees beside your Dominant? Buried under a special blanket? Whatever it is, always keep that image and the awesome feelings close to your heart and in your head so you can think of it when you are down or sad.
I don't know if these techniques will help you reestablish your own happy balance, but I hope they help.
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The Purest Commitment
by Michelle Fegatofi
The Love of a Master can not be
compared to anything else in this Life,
For a Master's Love is unbreakable
through all manner of woes, illness and strife.
As people in your life come and go,
even family drifts away,
A submissive always knows her Master is
there to stay.
A bond so deep and pure, that it sets
your heart to leaping,
A Love so very strong, simply
witnessing it will have you weeping.
Our rituals and ways seem brutal and
foreign to many across the land,
But nothing compares to the feelings of
being taken in hand.
As Master commands, we serve with pride
in any way His will may be,
For the love we share and the trust we
feel, allows us to serve freely and proudly on bended knee.
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I normally don't post anything from others, but felt this post from a good friend, needed sharing.
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| Depression |
By Tammie Pourner in BdsmForBeginners
Structure is incredibly useful for persons suffering with depression. Setting clear, attainable daily tasks (even if your dynamic is long distance) can do a lot to keep a depressed mood from becoming inability to get out of bed. In the worst times, it may have to be something as simple as "You must go to work 4 days out of 5 every week. You must take a shower every other day at 10:30pm." Simple, everyday tasks can be easier to tolerate if they're turned into power dynamic chores, rather than just one more thing they have to try to manage on their own. Professional programs force clients to live by strict rules about when they wake up, when they eat, when they shower, etc, and having those things become automated means that they don't have to make any decisions about it.
On the flip side of that, though, is patience. When depression is at its worst, things you don't even consider on a daily basis become arduous tasks. Deciding what to wear can feel like a herculean task, which is why so many who suffer from depression wear their pajamas for days on end. Some of these things can be incorporated into your power dynamic, but you also need to be aware that some days your sub will not be able to achieve these tasks. At that point, you should also have a boundary which, when crossed, makes professional intervention mandatory. (If they cannot hold down simple self care tasks for longer than a week, and they're not in any sort of professional therapy, this is a good start.)
Your submissive may fantasize about total power exchanges, where they're no longer responsible for the simplest of decisions in their life. This is almost always counter productive if they are actively symptomatic and/or not in treatment. You may use this to your advantage, to encourage active participation in therapeutic processes -- the more they engage their treatment, the more power you take from them. It can create some odd exchanges, like, "If you meet all of your therapists' requests this week, I will give you one day where all of your decisions will be made by Me."
Find and use non-sexual ways of establishing your power dynamic. Frequently, depression and the meds used to treat it can kill sexual desire. This does not always lessen the submissive's desire to serve. Perhaps just sitting at your feet and being stroked and comforted when things are at their most challenging helps remind them of the power dynamic without bringing sex into it at all.
Make sure you're spending time with people who aren't depressed. There is an energetic field around those suffering from depression that loves to latch onto others. Frequently, long term partners of depressives seek out therapy so they can maintain their grip on their own functionality while assisting their partner.
Make it clear to your sub that suicide threats will always be taken seriously. You are not a professional (unless you are, and then you're under different strictures) and should not try to differentiate between suicidal ideation (talking about suicide as an option) and planning to kill oneself. Once you take a stand, stick to it no matter how difficult it may be. Fifteen percent of patients with MDD will kill themselves, and many of them will show marked signs of their decision, but won't discuss it before it happens. Know the signs of suicidal tendencies and act when you feel uncomfortable, even if it's just calling your submissive's therapist and discussing your feelings with them.
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Many of you have read about the Gorean Lifestyle while researching BDSM or reading my blog.
I didn't realize that I had not done a more in depth post about it to explain what it is. I hope this helps you understand it more.
In 1967 John Norman (real name John Frederick Lange Jr.) released a book called Tarnsman of Gor, a book detailing life on Gor and its inhabitants. This turned into a series with 26 books in print today, called Chronicles of Gor. His books are carefully detailed that explain everything from Gorean food to Gorean rituals, and focus on adventures in Gor and the natural role of genders. Gorean philosophy believes that men have a natural drive to dominate women; women have a strong desire to submit to men and give up their rights. Women are either free or enslaved, but free women can be enslaved at any time.
The majority of Goreans who pursue a "lifestyle" approach often do not consider what they do to be BDSM. However, they are generally considered part of the "kinky" subculture. In that context, they reject the idea of isolated "scenes". Instead, their practices may be described as 24/7, dominance & submission, and/or Total Power Exchange relationships. BDSM concepts of servitude and slavery typically play a key role in Gorean dynamics.
Gor is comparatively more intense than other lifestyles, because Gor does not depend on scening. People who follow Gor do not consider it to be a role-play, or a scene, but in fact say that they are leading the lifestyle - which cannot be denied because there are after all twenty seven books that outline the life and times of the Gorean region.
There are Gorean role players, both online and in real life, who play a "role" of a Gorean, usually having to do with masters and slaves. What makes someone a role player is that this isn't really how they live their real life, and they differentiate between Gor and reality. They often refer to "Gor" or being "in Gor" as opposed to being in reality. It is like a part time thing or a hobby for these individuals.
There are many Goreans out there that don't just role-play the Gorean lifestyle, many of them not being role-players at all. In fact, they live the Gorean life on a 24/7 basis. They too call themselves Goreans and they too subscribe to the principles described in the books written by John Norman.
Most Goreans live a counter version of the BDSM Master/slave lifestyle that is filled with rules and protocols defined in the books of Gor. The books give them a rule set so to speak to define their lifestyle dynamic. A dynamic that any Gorean you talk to is likely to say, they'd practice it no other way.
Most of these households, groups and "camps" seem to focus mainly on the "Warrior" and Master/slave aspects of the books, and many have gone far beyond the bounds of legality or what most of us see as sanity or reason in terms of that they deem acceptable in their actions and dealings with others.
This does not include all categories. Gorean slaves typically wear a tunic and a collar. Followers of Gor believe Gorean slaves have rights of being a woman. They want to perform, act, and be a woman. Being a woman, according to Gorean philosophy, is pleasing a man in various ways.
I didn't realize that I had not done a more in depth post about it to explain what it is. I hope this helps you understand it more.
In 1967 John Norman (real name John Frederick Lange Jr.) released a book called Tarnsman of Gor, a book detailing life on Gor and its inhabitants. This turned into a series with 26 books in print today, called Chronicles of Gor. His books are carefully detailed that explain everything from Gorean food to Gorean rituals, and focus on adventures in Gor and the natural role of genders. Gorean philosophy believes that men have a natural drive to dominate women; women have a strong desire to submit to men and give up their rights. Women are either free or enslaved, but free women can be enslaved at any time.
The majority of Goreans who pursue a "lifestyle" approach often do not consider what they do to be BDSM. However, they are generally considered part of the "kinky" subculture. In that context, they reject the idea of isolated "scenes". Instead, their practices may be described as 24/7, dominance & submission, and/or Total Power Exchange relationships. BDSM concepts of servitude and slavery typically play a key role in Gorean dynamics.
Gor is comparatively more intense than other lifestyles, because Gor does not depend on scening. People who follow Gor do not consider it to be a role-play, or a scene, but in fact say that they are leading the lifestyle - which cannot be denied because there are after all twenty seven books that outline the life and times of the Gorean region.
There are Gorean role players, both online and in real life, who play a "role" of a Gorean, usually having to do with masters and slaves. What makes someone a role player is that this isn't really how they live their real life, and they differentiate between Gor and reality. They often refer to "Gor" or being "in Gor" as opposed to being in reality. It is like a part time thing or a hobby for these individuals.
There are many Goreans out there that don't just role-play the Gorean lifestyle, many of them not being role-players at all. In fact, they live the Gorean life on a 24/7 basis. They too call themselves Goreans and they too subscribe to the principles described in the books written by John Norman.
Most Goreans live a counter version of the BDSM Master/slave lifestyle that is filled with rules and protocols defined in the books of Gor. The books give them a rule set so to speak to define their lifestyle dynamic. A dynamic that any Gorean you talk to is likely to say, they'd practice it no other way.
Most of these households, groups and "camps" seem to focus mainly on the "Warrior" and Master/slave aspects of the books, and many have gone far beyond the bounds of legality or what most of us see as sanity or reason in terms of that they deem acceptable in their actions and dealings with others.
Philosophy of Gorean Slavery
- Goreans believe that women have a natural desire to be slaves. Every woman has this desire.
- Women have a huge desire to please men. They strive for perfection. They want to be submissive. Women want to be controlled by men. A man's word is final.
- Gor strictly believes in the 'natural order'. There aren't any exceptions to this rule. Men always dominate, women always submit.
- All women 'beg the collar' (desire a master). Women slaves are collared once owned and beg to
be owned, according to Gorean philosophy.
- Masters consider their slaves property. They are to keep their property in top condition. If slaves don't meet their standards, they are disciplined. This involves punishment, including imprisonment and whippings.
- Although Gorean philosophy says that all women have rights, free women can be enslaved at any time.
Types of Gorean Slaves
- White Silk Slaves: A woman slave who hasn't lost her virginity. This is indicated by tying a white ribbon to her collar.
- Red Silk Slaves: A woman slave that has had sex. This is indicated by tying a red ribbon to her collar.
- Pleasure Slave: A slave trained in the arts of pleasure, including slave dance, slave positions (note: these are not sexual positions, but positions used in their culture), cooking, being pleasant, and sexual services.
- Passion Slave: A slave trained and used for sexual services only.
- Feast Slaves: A slave that serves food along with other personal services decide by their master.
- Serving Slaves: A slave usually owned by a woman master. They prepare warm baths, help remove clothing, comb hair, and complete most domestic chores.
- House Girls: Same as Serving Slaves, but they only complete domestic chores. They are owned
by Masters.
This does not include all categories. Gorean slaves typically wear a tunic and a collar. Followers of Gor believe Gorean slaves have rights of being a woman. They want to perform, act, and be a woman. Being a woman, according to Gorean philosophy, is pleasing a man in various ways.
Rights of a Gorean Slave
- Once you are a Gorean slave, you lose all human rights. Anything you did before enslavement is erased from your past. You are not to talk about it, since your identity is kajira, a slave.
- Slaves aren't seen as people. They are, according to Gorean followers, human animals.
- Masters make decisions for them. They lose rights to their name. Their master chooses their name, although slaves are not allowed to refer to themselves by name.
- Their master can discipline or destroy their property at any time. Gorean law fully supports this.
- A kajira's only goal in life is to bring pleasure and comfort to their master.
- There are different types of women slaves. Some slaves purely serve as sexual objects, while others are masterful at cooking.
- Slaves do not question anything. They do as they are told. Refusal to do anything results in discipline.
- Slaves must strive for perfection.
- Not only must slaves do their work well, but it must be done in a feminine, graceful way that expresses their sexuality.
- Gorean women retain the right to refuse slavery. If a master wants to enslave a woman and she refuses, however, she may be killed.
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After the huge response I received from my readers about BDSM and Body Image, I wanted to expand on that and give you some extra tips you can try to help yourself or your sub gain confidence and a better acceptance of their own bodies.
After 40 years of being female, I've come to the conclusion that a healthy, positive body image is hard to find, and neither caftans nor liposuction nor photo-shopping is the answer. Feeling good in your skin has nothing to do with whether you’re a size 2 or 22; it’s all about having a positive body image.
Having a poor body image means that you view your body in a negative light. You look at yourself and see only the negative. This often occurs when people with low self-esteem only see their physical flaws, most often when they look in the mirror.
If you are into the BDSM scene, most likely you are going to be naked any number of times. The first thing you have to remember is that your Dominant loves how you look. He has taken you as his submissive. He is proud of you and who you are. Take a moment to think about that. Really absorb it.
When using a mirror, look at your body in its entirety.
Try not to look at your body as individual parts. Don’t use a magnifying mirror when you look at your face. Look in the mirror and observe your whole body. When you do this, you might like what you see. Be at peace with your self-image by giving the mirror a rest.Stay off the scale.
Daily fluctuations in water weight can tip the scale up to five pounds in either direction, so if you step on the scale every day, you might be tempted to micromanage yourself. If you need to monitor your weight to stay on track or maintain, set aside a weekly or bi-weekly time to step on the scale. And don’t weigh yourself the week before your period, because you’ll most likely put on two to five pounds of water weight then. If you think you can do without the scale altogether, toss it and just go by how your clothes fit and how you feel.Throw away your ideas of “normal.”
Serena Williams and Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose BMIs are 32 and 33, respectively) are both considered “obese” according to the accepted healthy range of 18.5-24.9. But neither one is anywhere near fat. Remember that everyone is built differently, with different heights, bone densities, and amounts of muscle (which weighs more than fat) on their bodies. Just because your friend is a size 4 to 6 doesn’t mean that’s the right place for you to be.Notice that there are all types of bodies in all shapes, sizes and skin tones.
What you see in the media is not a representation of the human race. Appreciate the differences you see around you and appreciate your own individual looks.Heal your body image by taking note of how you talk to yourself about your body and change it if necessary.
Instead of, “I’m so fat and ugly, I hate myself,” tell yourself, “I have beautiful eyes and I am a good friend. The package may not be perfect, but it does need to be loved.”Take sexy pictures that show you in your most positive light.
Set up a camera with a self timer or ask a friend or Dominant take pictures of you with your hair and makeup done and in lingerie or skimpy clothing that all help to accentuate your body. Pick a couple of the images and put them on your cell phone or your laptop, anywhere you can access them easily. Look at them at different times during the day to reassure yourself how beautiful you are in your own skin.
I hope these extra tips and insights help all of you no matter your gender or body type love yourself more. We are all beautiful in our own way. Always remember that.
Also remember, the more confident and sexy you as a submissive feel, the more free you will be to serve your Dominant because the huge weight of self consciousnesses won't be hanging around your neck.
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Body image.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
It is something that we rarely talk about in the scene and yet, so many of us struggle with it. Are you someone who hesitates to strip down to nothing at that play party because you are plagued with a negative body image? Do you hold back in a scene because you are consumed with thoughts of how you look in a scene instead of being able to find joy and pleasure in your play? Or are you a Top who has a submissive who is having difficulty connecting with you because she is more of a slave to food and body obsession than to you?
It seems like there is a whole generation of us that grew up with body-hatred, feeling imperfect and not-beautiful, no matter what we looked like. Too thin, too fat, to busty, too flat, too tall, too short, wide hips, no hips, too much ass, not enough. A never-ending litany of what is wrong with us physically, reinforced by images on television, in movies and in print that we could never hope to live up to; growing up understanding that how we look is the most important thing about us. And that it was never good enough.
The scene offers some wonderful things that the vanilla world does not. While we come from all walks of life, BDSMers all have a love for the alternative. We are not people who spend every Wednesday night engaged in military-style intercourse. We love passion, the power exchange, and the magic of sexual self-expression. This attitude translates, generally speaking, into a more open-minded attitude toward size, not to mention age, gender, race, and orientation.
Unlike our vanilla friends who rarely see large naked bodies, we have many opportunities through play parties and demos to look at, get used to, and eventually admire the soft curves of fat people. It is at first astounding, and then liberating to see a large man or woman walk around a play party stark naked, proud of their body, fully loved. It's hard not to like someone who likes herself so much.
I discovered with time and support from my Padrone that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset. He always looks at me appreciatively, and, suddenly, I wasn’t invisible. I was fulfilling one of the most fundamental cores that I had been raised to believe was the most important thing in being female—being attractive to men—and I reveled in it. From the time He took me on as his slave, I have not looked back. Sure, I have times I think or verbalize I wish this was different, this was smaller, or that not so saggy. He gives me 'the look' and I snap out of it really quick!
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| Model: Arachnia |
The thing about body issues is that everyone has them, women and men, thin and fat, you and me. If you want to get over self-criticism, here are some things you can try. Start by communicating with your body, using affirmations to find the beautiful parts about yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Listen to what your body has to say, and respect your own path. This is the foundation of self-love. If you love yourself, loving your body will follow.
On the practical side, go to some play parties or other public situations where you will be able to observe people of all sizes and shapes enjoying themselves. Replace any critical thoughts in your head with positive ones about the beauty of their bodies, whether it be good skin, soft curves, great butt to spank, strong muscles, or wonderful handfuls of breasts. Talk to your friends about what beautiful thing you saw in this larger person. If it's not a physical attribute, notice their courage for playing in public, their love of their own body, or their unself-consciousness. For the female Dominant, size can be an advantage, projecting a powerful physical presence which attracts Submissives. If you have this advantage, use it.
Developing a Healthy Body Image
- Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
- Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
- Exercise regularly in an enjoyable way, regardless of size.
- Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape.
- Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
- Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
- Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
Think of the three A's
- Attention: Refers to listening for and responding to internal cues (i.e., hunger, satiety, fatigue).
- Appreciation: Refers to appreciating the pleasures your body can provide.
- Acceptance: Refers to accepting what is -- instead of longing for what is not.
With time, support, and a lot of self reflection, you too can become comfortable with and learn to love your body, no matter the shape.
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NO WORDS ARE NEEDED
by Michelle Fegatofi
No words are needed because your touch speaks to me,
No words are needed because your eyes tell me what you see.
No words are needed for my soul fills your own,
No words are needed because you are my home.
No spoken word can replace the feelings that I get,
From the very first day that we met.
No spoken word can tell me what you feel inside,
Because your actions, attentions, and eyes won’t let it hide.
Everything you do, every move you make,
I know how you feel, and I am forever yours to take.
I am your sub and proudly your slave,
I am whatever you tell me to be and how to behave.
You own my body and you own my soul,
Now and forever, beyond the days we grow old.
by Michelle Fegatofi
No words are needed because your touch speaks to me,
No words are needed because your eyes tell me what you see.
No words are needed for my soul fills your own,
No words are needed because you are my home.
No spoken word can replace the feelings that I get,
From the very first day that we met.
No spoken word can tell me what you feel inside,
Because your actions, attentions, and eyes won’t let it hide.
Everything you do, every move you make,
I know how you feel, and I am forever yours to take.
I am your sub and proudly your slave,
I am whatever you tell me to be and how to behave.
You own my body and you own my soul,
Now and forever, beyond the days we grow old.
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Here is a preview of the contents inside my new book, BDSM Basics for Beginners - A Guide for Dominants and Submissives starting to Explore the Lifestyle.
If you are interested in purchasing it, you can get it here:http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi
The paperback is (US) $19.99 and the ebook versions are (US) $8.99.
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I was asked by a reader "if BDSM was Normal or not".
Well, that depends on what your definition of 'Normal' is. Normal is defined as conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular. Normality is an idealistic state of living, of existing. Since normality varies from person to person, culture to culture, and decade to decade, any recognized standard will always be whatever practices and lifestyles the current Mainstream society decides amongst the confirmed members of each class, to be 'Normal'. You have to think, one person's morality is different from another, so that would make what you consider normal different from me or even your neighbor's version of normal.
If we view BDSM from the view point of the current world's population, then no it is not considered normal. Think about the sexual practices in the BDSM Lifestyle (Bondage, S&M, Poly, Swinging, etc...). Main stream culture usually follows some type of religious teachings (Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Buddist, etc...) that teach sex is only supposed to be used for procreation. They frown on anything outside their strict religious codes. They consider bondage or flogging abuse. But, people that practice these and other forms of sexual torture within the confines of the BDSM lifestyle, get heightened pleasure and love the bite of the whip on their back or the pinch of clamps on their nipples. Is it normal? For some yes, for others, no. Again, it depends on your perception of Normality.
Main stream western culture would also consider any type submission (in males or females) weird, or not normal, because most of the population now consider males and females equal in most settings. They ask why would one person want to give over any freedoms, allow anyone else to make any decisions for them, or submit to another person's will. They don't understand the sense of security, need of serving, and feelings of yearning to be dominated and/or owned by another individual. I don't mean in a creepy, stalker, or 1800's kind of way. For most submissives or slaves in the Lifestyle, they will tell you that they find more freedom and happiness in being owned, being given rules and regulations, having to follow certain standards and guidelines, than they do in typical or 'vanilla' relationships.
I consider a BDSM Lifestyle normal, because I chose to practice this type of Lifestyle as a 24/7 consensual slave. Whether my Padrone (Master) is with me or not, I always follow his guidelines and rules. I gain extreme satisfaction and peace of mind and spirit by the rules and guidelines he has set for me. I have a very deep sense of love and protection all the time and that gives me a happiness that is almost indescribable.
So, is BDSM normal? Yes and No. Since normality is relative, you have to decide.
Well, that depends on what your definition of 'Normal' is. Normal is defined as conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular. Normality is an idealistic state of living, of existing. Since normality varies from person to person, culture to culture, and decade to decade, any recognized standard will always be whatever practices and lifestyles the current Mainstream society decides amongst the confirmed members of each class, to be 'Normal'. You have to think, one person's morality is different from another, so that would make what you consider normal different from me or even your neighbor's version of normal.
If we view BDSM from the view point of the current world's population, then no it is not considered normal. Think about the sexual practices in the BDSM Lifestyle (Bondage, S&M, Poly, Swinging, etc...). Main stream culture usually follows some type of religious teachings (Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Buddist, etc...) that teach sex is only supposed to be used for procreation. They frown on anything outside their strict religious codes. They consider bondage or flogging abuse. But, people that practice these and other forms of sexual torture within the confines of the BDSM lifestyle, get heightened pleasure and love the bite of the whip on their back or the pinch of clamps on their nipples. Is it normal? For some yes, for others, no. Again, it depends on your perception of Normality.
Main stream western culture would also consider any type submission (in males or females) weird, or not normal, because most of the population now consider males and females equal in most settings. They ask why would one person want to give over any freedoms, allow anyone else to make any decisions for them, or submit to another person's will. They don't understand the sense of security, need of serving, and feelings of yearning to be dominated and/or owned by another individual. I don't mean in a creepy, stalker, or 1800's kind of way. For most submissives or slaves in the Lifestyle, they will tell you that they find more freedom and happiness in being owned, being given rules and regulations, having to follow certain standards and guidelines, than they do in typical or 'vanilla' relationships.
I consider a BDSM Lifestyle normal, because I chose to practice this type of Lifestyle as a 24/7 consensual slave. Whether my Padrone (Master) is with me or not, I always follow his guidelines and rules. I gain extreme satisfaction and peace of mind and spirit by the rules and guidelines he has set for me. I have a very deep sense of love and protection all the time and that gives me a happiness that is almost indescribable.
So, is BDSM normal? Yes and No. Since normality is relative, you have to decide.
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The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book dedicated solely for Submissives:
- You do have rights. You have the right to walk away at any time for any reason.
- No one can keep up a 24/7 high protocol lifestyle for long without a break for of kids, family, work and other life events.
- No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priapic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.
- There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Dominance will make it go away.
- Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it.
- There are going to be times when you don't feel like having sex. It does and will happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it because it is just a part of life and does not mean you are a bad submissive.
- Living a 24/7 Lifestyle is not a myth. Living 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.
- There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. They are only human.
- No one understands your collar and its true meaning but you. Being proud to wear it everywhere is different than showing it off at the local market.
- Eventually, you're going to have to take off the slave cuffs to go to some real life appointment. Get used to it.
- People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.
- Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, if your dream Dominant turns into a frog.
- If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, and ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you not going get it.
- Just because you call yourself a slave, doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't growl at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.
- Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one.
- There are things you won't do in Real Life that you role played with online.
- BDSM is not always about sex.
- People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. If you are not careful and always aware of your surrounds, you may get hurt in a non-consensual way.
- Your Dominant is not a mind reader. You need to always be open and honest with your feelings.
- Your Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. A Master does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.
- An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.
- Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.
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I recently received an email from a reader asking for advice with her Dominant.
They had been a vanilla couple for a while and both decided they wanted to take it into a deeper relationship, so started to explore the world of BDSM and D/s. After much research and reading up on the lifestyle, he took the dominant role and she the submissive role. They made a contract from the beginning of their D/s relationship and started living it in a 24/7 lifestyle. In the contract, one thing they both agreed to was that they wouldn't visit dating sites or porn sites, nor would sex texting with anyone else. The submissive repeatedly found out that the Dominant was breaking this one rule. He treated her well in every other way and never broke any other rules of the contract, except that one. He could not stay off the porn sites. She said she lost trust in him and asked me how she could trust him after he kept lying to her. My advice to her, as well as more information on this subject follows.
Trust, is an integral part of a BDSM relationship. Without it, there can not be a relationship.
Both participants must be able to trust the other with their thoughts and feelings. WIth their vulnerabilities and strengths. Open and honest communication is a way of building trust, and is required in a BDSM relationship. This level of trust takes time to grow, it does not happen overnight. Trust will grow with consistent actions from both people and a good working level of communication. In this way, the people show that they will do what they say they will do. Unfortunately, in a relationship such as BDSM, trust can easily be broken if all parties are not open, honest, and communicate everything they think, feel and need.
I advised the reader that she should step back and take a look at the problem from a different view point. If her dominant was not being truthful about looking at the porn sites, it probably was because he felt she was not open minded or was too jealous of other women. I told her that she should sit down with him and have a very honest conversation about her feelings, but also listen to his point of view and the reasons why he liked to look at the pictures with an open mind. I asked her if he was cheating on her with other women (virtual sex, text messages, etc...) and she said no. The only thing he was doing was browsing pictures of naked women on the internet.
I told her to reconsider her stance on that rule. I saw no harm in him looking at naked women if he was not actually having cyber sex or other contact with women behind her back. In the world of BDSM, there are always going to be nude people or almost nude people, around. If she could be more open minded and accept the fact that her Dominant liked looking at pictures naked women, but was only having sex with her, then he would not feel the need to hide that part of himself. Having an outside person looking at the situation helped her understand that, the actual act of looking at pictures were harmless. In fact, some of the pictures might even give him ideas to try on her.
Second, no matter what the situation, everyone in the relationship has to be completely honest and open with the other. Sure, there are rules for the submissive that you will follow, but the Dominants have also usually agreed to some sort of even minimal guidelines. Those have to be followed or trust can be broken.
Third, remember that we are all humans and that relationships are fluid. Sure, you will know exactly the things that you will absolutely not do and can not tolerate (cheating for example) but you have to know that during a relationship, with time, people grow and change. You both should sit down once or twice a year and review the rules and guidelines that govern your relationship as a whole to make sure that no changes or additions are needed. If they are, make them together once everyone is in agreement.
Above all remember that Trust is a fragile thing. It takes time and honesty to build the kind of trust that is a corner stone to a solid, long lasting relationship. It can take only one small lie to break it.
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