Can love exist in a BDSM relationship, or is it just two people satisfying mutual needs and gaining gratification?
Is it Love a sub feels for her Dom or is it 'Dom worship'? Does the Dom really care for His sub or does He just have a more fond feeling and a sense of responsibility for her?
Whether or not love should enter into a dominant / submissive relationship is something that is debated within the BDSM community. Whereas most will agree that there should be some form of caring involved, actually falling in love is often frowned upon. In the kinky world, things are a bit more complicated when it comes to relationship dynamics. There are fewer expectations, I think, of well-defined romantic relationships, than in the non-kinky world. With all the different personal preferences, there are more options than ever.
Those who frown on falling in love would argue that when such intense emotions enter into a BDSM relationship, they can interfere with the Dominant / submissive aspect of the relationship. When a submissive is in love with her Master, she is more prone to feelings of jealousy. She is also more prone to desire all of the things that one associates with falling in love, such as romance, marriage and family. When a Dominant falls in love with his submissive, he may be less likely to subject her to the humiliation, pain and control that he would normally offer to a submissive.
Those who say that falling in love is good in a Dominant / submissive relationship believe that such strong emotions serve to enhance the relationship. They believe that a Dominant who is in love with his submissive will be mindful of his submissive's safety in a way he might not be otherwise. It is also believed that a submissive who is in love with her Dominant will be more serious about the relationship and less prone to play games. She will be more obedient and will put the needs of her dominant first in a way she might not do otherwise.
There are many people I know who are part of different BDSM dynamics, and don’t have romantic relationships with their partners. In my view, love is very important as part of a long-term relationship such vulnerability on a deep level. For me, being with someone as a slave has to include love. However, that’s not always the case. There are several instances where love has nothing to do with it. There are connections such as friendship, service and desire.
Some relationships are sexual, without being more connected than just washing the back of someone who washed yours. Many choose this option when their primary partner (often a marriage partner) is unaware of or unwilling to participate in their kinky desires. This can often lead to cheating, and though non-monogamy is actually approved of in the kink world, dishonesty tends to be frowned upon.
Friendship can also be the basis for a BDSM based relationship. Those who might not want to be sexually involved, or who might want sex and kink but already have a romantic partner with no desire for another, can choose to not get romantically involved with someone. There are people who are married to vanilla partners and are deeply in love with them, but fulfill their kinky needs with others. Though they do that, some have no room, romantically, to love another in that romantic way. Still others cannot see being in love with someone who they might cause pain for, or dominate, or submit to (on the other end of that stick). It’s a choice to separate the two kinds of relationships, and for some it works well.
When embarking on a Dominant / submissive relationship, it is important to decide ahead of time what your boundaries are and communicate them to your partner. Nobody knows ahead of time if they will end up falling in love, but it is important to talk about how you will deal with it if it happens. What if one of you falls in love and the other one doesn't? This seems to be where the biggest problem can be, because the desires of one change whereas the desires of the other remains the same.
Open communication is the key to having a good relationship with your partner. Whether you believe it is a good idea or not to fall in love with your dominant or submissive...communication with one another will help you deal with the issue.
Is it Love a sub feels for her Dom or is it 'Dom worship'? Does the Dom really care for His sub or does He just have a more fond feeling and a sense of responsibility for her?
Whether or not love should enter into a dominant / submissive relationship is something that is debated within the BDSM community. Whereas most will agree that there should be some form of caring involved, actually falling in love is often frowned upon. In the kinky world, things are a bit more complicated when it comes to relationship dynamics. There are fewer expectations, I think, of well-defined romantic relationships, than in the non-kinky world. With all the different personal preferences, there are more options than ever.
Those who frown on falling in love would argue that when such intense emotions enter into a BDSM relationship, they can interfere with the Dominant / submissive aspect of the relationship. When a submissive is in love with her Master, she is more prone to feelings of jealousy. She is also more prone to desire all of the things that one associates with falling in love, such as romance, marriage and family. When a Dominant falls in love with his submissive, he may be less likely to subject her to the humiliation, pain and control that he would normally offer to a submissive.
There are many people I know who are part of different BDSM dynamics, and don’t have romantic relationships with their partners. In my view, love is very important as part of a long-term relationship such vulnerability on a deep level. For me, being with someone as a slave has to include love. However, that’s not always the case. There are several instances where love has nothing to do with it. There are connections such as friendship, service and desire.
Some relationships are sexual, without being more connected than just washing the back of someone who washed yours. Many choose this option when their primary partner (often a marriage partner) is unaware of or unwilling to participate in their kinky desires. This can often lead to cheating, and though non-monogamy is actually approved of in the kink world, dishonesty tends to be frowned upon.
Friendship can also be the basis for a BDSM based relationship. Those who might not want to be sexually involved, or who might want sex and kink but already have a romantic partner with no desire for another, can choose to not get romantically involved with someone. There are people who are married to vanilla partners and are deeply in love with them, but fulfill their kinky needs with others. Though they do that, some have no room, romantically, to love another in that romantic way. Still others cannot see being in love with someone who they might cause pain for, or dominate, or submit to (on the other end of that stick). It’s a choice to separate the two kinds of relationships, and for some it works well.
When embarking on a Dominant / submissive relationship, it is important to decide ahead of time what your boundaries are and communicate them to your partner. Nobody knows ahead of time if they will end up falling in love, but it is important to talk about how you will deal with it if it happens. What if one of you falls in love and the other one doesn't? This seems to be where the biggest problem can be, because the desires of one change whereas the desires of the other remains the same.
Open communication is the key to having a good relationship with your partner. Whether you believe it is a good idea or not to fall in love with your dominant or submissive...communication with one another will help you deal with the issue.
Post title: " Can Love Exist in a BDSM Relationship? "
About The Author
Post title: " Can Love Exist in a BDSM Relationship? "
Posted by Michelle Fegatofi at 12/22/2012 06:36:00 PM December 22, 2012
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My name is eclipse, I am currently a slave to an amazing Master. I agree with both sides, my Master and I fell in love right at the point of ownership. Things went great for awhile, He was training me, we'd do lots of bondage, posture training....all of it, but the more love and affection I got the more I wanted. It was amazing I never knew what that felt like and I became addicted to it. But now I see what has happened and thought "what the fuck, I still want to be His slave" now aside from finding time for training we started again. Our love...mine more so...got in the way for awhile but were working on it.
ReplyDeletelove and D/s went perfectly with my Master and i. because we are already married the love was there. im glad there is a post about this from both sides. i find that it is always best to do what makes you the most comfortable. what works for me and Mine may not work for you and Yours.
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly one of the things I teach to newbies. There is no right or wrong. Just let whatever feels natural and makes you both happy, work. Do it and be happy. :)
ReplyDeleteI was in love with and married to my Master for many years before he became my Master. So at least in my case love can come before and be strengthened by BDSM.
ReplyDeletePamela the Sub
That is wonderful. I love how many vanilla couples are now moving to explore BDSM. Let me know if you ever have questions I can help with!
DeleteHey, Thank you so much for your article !. I think I am in love with my master and we've been in a relationship for just about five months so far. two months into it, he told me again that our relationship was strictly master/slave, and I gave up on having any hope of him loving me, but lately he's been more open with me, we went out walking, cooking, and he's even open to hanging out if it was just for dinner. I hope I can find a way to comprehend and handle this situation because I know that I am in love with him right now.
ReplyDelete~ THank you for your article again , I think it really helped calm me a bit :)
Hey there, I've met an amazing girl who told me she's a sub. I have no experience with BDSM before this girl but since have been doing more research and finding the subject fascinating and exciting. Def see a lot of Dom qualities in myself and we're thinking/talking about adding this dimension to our relationship in time. She has talked about her past relationship with a Dom (last bf) that ended with him using and abusing her completely as he wanted then tossed her out when he got bored.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm starting to care for this girl deeply I wonder about the power given to a Dom and whether it's healthy? The responsibility is huge. Incredibly huge. There must b some, (def not all) cases of egotistical males using hurt insecure girls for their every desire then moving on to the next. And this bothers me
I don't kno if her looking to me for her every happiness, while if I'm honest is a tantalising thought, is healthy. The relationship is only new but I find her already very submissive and becoming reliant on me to feel happy. (Happy if I'm happy, willing to put my needs desires well above hers)
My understanding of relationships is two ppl, working together, both supporting each other to succeed and enjoy life as much as possible. With independent likes and interests sharing life together. I'm concerned and confused what is and isn't healthy here. I would b very great full for any advice/ guidance u might b willing to share.
This is exactly what we have. My master and I have been married for sixteen years, but have only been in the lifestyle for three or four years. I'm so glad I found your blog, as I am learning to be a 24/7 submissive. Thank you so much!
ReplyDelete