In honor of National Woman's Day, I'd like to take a moment to recognize all of the women that participate in the BDSM Lifestyle!
Whether you are Dominant, Submissive, or Switch; tall, short, skinny or curvy; You are all awesome!
Whether you are Dominant, Submissive, or Switch; tall, short, skinny or curvy; You are all awesome!
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| Female Dominant |
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| Female Submissive |
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| Female Switch |
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| Happy Woman's Day! |
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Two and a half years ago, Padrone and I got home from work around 6:30 in the morning as usual. We changed clothes, ate, and were relaxing in bed watching TV by 7:15 am. Around 8 am, Padrone said he had a headache. About 10 minutes later, he started complaining of chest pains, leg pains, and being extremely hot. His heart started beating faster also. I told him to call the ambulance.
Now, I'm an American that doesn't speak Italian very well. I didn't know the emergency numbers nor do we have any close friends that we could call for help.
Luckily, Padrone was calm and lucid enough to call for the ambulance and to tell me to go wait for them outside and bring them up. They arrived with lights flashing and sirens blaring. I have to tell you that I was scared and didn't understand anything they were saying. I had to make myself stay calm and wait for Padrone's instructions. He informed me that his blood pressure was very high and they had to take him to the hospital. He told the EMT's that I didn't speak Italian and asked for them to allow me to ride in the ambulance with him because he knew I had to be with him.
When we arrived they showed me to a waiting room and said "Stay" and left. I was waiting there for about 45 minutes when a nurse came and led me back to where they had Padrone hooked up to all these machines. Normally they didn't allow any family in the Emergency rooms with the patients but made an exception for me since Padrone told them about my epilepsy and how stress will trigger a bad seizure. He hoped by seeing him that it would keep me calm enough that I wouldn't seize. It worked. I didn't seize. I got to see him and see the meds they were giving him were making him better. At that time, we didn't know exactly what the problem was or if there were other underlying problems that made his blood pressure sky rocket since he never had a history of health problems.
Even though he was sick, he was thinking of me and wanted to protect me from being too stressed about the situation. He asked me to call his employer and let them know what was going on and then told me to stay as calm as I could because everything was going to be fine.
Padrone ended up staying in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights, of which I stayed with him the entire time. When we came home, I was still ok. I had not seized and had done everything asked of me. About 24 hours later, I had a massive seizure. Padrone and I both had been expecting it. It was just a matter of time of when it would hit, after dealing with so many days of a high stress situation.
Life got back to normal and two and a half years passed with no more health scares from Padrone. Then one morning, for no apparent reason about a month ago, Padrone had another high blood pressure attack. He called the ambulance and I started preparing things to go to the hospital just in case. I let the EMTs in and lead them to the apartment. I stayed calm the entire time and did as instructed. Luckily, Padrone's blood pressure wasn't so high that he needed to be hospitalized again. They gave him a shot and his pressure returned to a normal range within five minutes.
I dealt with the situation in a very calm manner and honestly wasn't expecting to have a seizure. I didn't feel one on the horizon. Padrone knew it was coming though. About 24 hours later, after I was confident that he was ok, it struck. Luckily it was only a medium seizure and not a very bad one.
Now things are back to normal and life is moving forward. I learned a few lessons from the two incidents.
Life got back to normal and two and a half years passed with no more health scares from Padrone. Then one morning, for no apparent reason about a month ago, Padrone had another high blood pressure attack. He called the ambulance and I started preparing things to go to the hospital just in case. I let the EMTs in and lead them to the apartment. I stayed calm the entire time and did as instructed. Luckily, Padrone's blood pressure wasn't so high that he needed to be hospitalized again. They gave him a shot and his pressure returned to a normal range within five minutes.
I dealt with the situation in a very calm manner and honestly wasn't expecting to have a seizure. I didn't feel one on the horizon. Padrone knew it was coming though. About 24 hours later, after I was confident that he was ok, it struck. Luckily it was only a medium seizure and not a very bad one.
Now things are back to normal and life is moving forward. I learned a few lessons from the two incidents.
- Remain calm. If you get hysterical or stressed out, you won't be able to function or help your Dominant in their time of need.
- Have a plan in place! Make sure you have numbers either written down or in your phone of contacts you need to notify of the situation. (Friends, Relatives, Employer)
- Don't allow your nervousness to be picked up by your dominant. They need to remain calm and to be assured that you are ok. They know you are worried but they need to know you can take care of yourself during this medical crisis.
- Allow yourself some breathing room when the main crisis is over. You need to come down from the adrenaline, excitement, and worry that has driven you for however long. You have to force it out.
- Don't dwell on the 'what ifs'. You cannot allow yourself to play that game. If you do, you will just make your own stress levels worse and possibly make yourself sick.
- If you live in a foreign country not of your birth, make sure you know the numbers to call in case of emergency!
There are so many different levels of submission and every sub has his or her own strength of character. We always rely so much on our dominants to help us daily deal with life, support us, give us strength and guidance. Most of us lean very heavily on them. It's sometimes hard going from them being the core of our strength to us having to become strong for them. But, when you love someone, when you want to take care of them and stand by them no matter the circumstances, you do whatever it takes.
I hope you never experience a medical emergency involving your Dominant, but if you do, have a plan in place to make sure you can deal with it without having to think to much.
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I always get emails asking how can I possibly live as a BDSM slave 24/7. I also get told that it's impossible to do it in today's world. I get others questioning like how do I balance being a slave while dealing with my epilepsy. Along this same line of questioning, I get the naysayers saying it's not possible because my illness takes up too much time.
I do live as a very proud BDSM slave every single day of the week, month, and year. It's very possible and I've proven over the past 4 1/2 years it's very doable. Of course, it takes constant work from both Padrone and myself but we want this type of relationship and we make it work.
How do we balance 'normal life stuff' with our M/s dynamic? Simple. We each know our roles. His is Master and mine is as his slave. I always do things that make his life, and in reality both of our lives, run smoother and easier. I never do anything to hurt or antagonize him. He guides me and I listen. Sometimes I am a little hard headed but in the end, I always listen. We always tell the other everything, no matter if it is good, bad or ugly. We try to never use hurtful words to the other. We've learned to never raise our voices during a very rare disagreement.
No matter what I'm doing, if he calls for me or asks something of me, I stop whatever I was doing and proceed to do what was asked with no complaints or grumbling. Why? Because that's the way a slave behaves and it makes me happy to do it. Every dynamic might not work like this, but ours does. I have no doubts about anything when it comes to Padrone. No reservations or hesitations. That's the kind of trust every slave should have with their Master. I know he would never use me in a way to hurt me or lead me down the wrong path. He always puts my welfare first.
I have had so many problems with my epilepsy these past few weeks and have been unable to do many of my normal duties but I still do whatever I can. During my down times, Padrone is right there supporting me, helping me in whatever way he can, and just being there for me. He cooks, feeds me, helps me walk when needed, applies medicine to my back, gives me massages, and whatever else he thinks will help. Some people would see this as not being the role of a Master. To me, he is a perfect example of what every Dominant that calls themselves Master should be. He is not switching and taking on the role of sub or slave. He is taking care of his slave, his property, the one he values more than anyone else in the world. Me.
Is it difficult to deal with epilepsy, especially the weird and ever evolving kind that I have? Yes. It's difficult to just try to live what most people consider a normal life. I have many duties that I consider part of my submissive tasks. Padrone has never assigned any specific tasks to me, I just knew what to do and do them. With the physical manifestations my epilepsy has forced me to deal with this past week, many of these duties have not been accomplished because I am just not able.
While I feel extremely frustrated, weak, and somewhat of a failure, Padrone never once said that. He constantly tells me how wonderful I am, how brave and beautiful I am to be dealing with so much pain and limitations. He keeps giving me encouraging words that come from his heart because he knows they help take my feeling of failure as a submissive away.
Being a slave doesn't mean I'm constantly bowing, kneeling, having sex, performing some type of bondage scene, being lead around on a leash, or cleaning the entire house with a toothbrush. That might be someone's reality, but that is not mine. Being a slave, the way we practice an M/s relationship, is anticipating every need Padrone may have. Cooking and cleaning to make him happy and comfortable. Staying by his side so that he sleeps better knowing I'm there. Snuggling and watching TV. Joking, laughing, loving, and living. It encompasses every part of our lives.
Being his slave means that yes, I am his property. I am his to use and do with as he pleases, anytime he wishes. But I am not a doormat or a quiet mouse. I have my own personality, thoughts and feelings. He has his own way of doing things, feelings and thoughts. But, we are one of the lucky couples that compliment each other perfectly. Our beliefs are the same, our likes, dislikes, and morals are all very similar. He is the perfect dominant to my submissive.
In good and bad health, no matter what the problem may be, we are always together, supporting and loving each other as best we can. Living with a chronic illness is not fun, but it does not stop me from being a slave 24/7. It may slow down certain activities, but I always do my best and I am always Padrone's slave.
I encourage those of you that have a chronic illness to not let it get you down and discouraged. Deal with it the best you can. Stay positive and focused, and most of all never give up. You can live a full life and have the type of BDSM relationship you want even while dealing with health problems. You just need to find the perfect fit for you. Or, as Padrone says in his Italian accented English, "Find your purrfect feet!"
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If you have explored the world of BDSM, you may have come across many different terms, titles and categories to describe Tops and bottoms of the power exchange or power dynamic of relationships. In the last few years, a couple of terms have been utilised much more frequently than previously, namely “Alpha Sub” and “Brat”.
While “Brat” has been around much longer than “Alpha Sub”, I will admit I do not agree with either term. I think that the very meaning of Brat goes against what it means to be submissive, as does the term Alpha.
If you consider the meaning of Alpha, it is defined as the leader, the dominant one, the head of the group. This is as opposed to the term Submissive which is defined as ready to conform to the will of others, compliant and obedient. If words and titles hold meaning for you, how can you use such an oxymoron? How is it possible to be a Dominant Leader that obeys the will of others? Am I taking their meanings too literally? Maybe. But to me and many other BDSM scholars, it just doesn’t make sense.
After researching the term Alpha Submissive, I found only a few references in some obscure articles prior to 2009. It seems that from 2009 forward, many people have picked up that term and started using it in various forms and meanings. The most used description is that of a woman that is dominant in every part of her life except for sexually. In my opinion, this is a Sexual Submissive or a Bedroom Submissive. But are we just talking semantics? Probably.
How and where did the term Alpha Sub come about? I haven’t been able to find that out. But Sexual Submissive and Bedroom Submissive have been used as terms to describe certain types of subs for at least 30 years and probably longer. They are not politically incorrect and they are not offensive. So why use such a contradictory term instead of the standard ones? I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s the fashionable thing to do. It’s a buzz word that many new people read somewhere in a fiction book or online and they think it describes them. Others that don’t like the word submissive may put Alpha in front of it to take away some of the meaning to justify their feelings to themselves. I am not a psychologist, nor am I a mind reader. But, this is the conclusion I have derived from the people I’ve talked with about this as well as my own observations throughout the Lifestyle over many years.
Brats are defined as a spoiled, annoying or ill mannered people. “Brat” is a descriptor usually used in a negative or contemptuous way. In BDSM, it tends to refer to a submissive with a reputation for talking back, being disrespectful or being mildly disobedient. Again, it may just be wording or semantics, but this would be used to describe a SAM or Smart Ass Masochist. SAMs normally exhibit the above behavior with the end goal of being punished to satisfy their masochistic side.
In the world of BDSM, a submissive is a person who is respectful and wants to please. Yes, they might have a playful streak, but it is one that is never disrespectful, never crosses that line and never seen as bratty behavior. In fact, a submissive would generally be mortified to learn that their Dominant considered them a brat. In my opinion, people who label themselves as Brats do not understand the true meaning of being a submissive; they don’t have the drive or the need to be truly submissive to a Dominant. These people think they are submissive because they like the kinky sex or the idea of it from what they have read in books or have seen in movies.
If you are interested in this subject, I suggest that you do your own research by reading books and blogs and talking to community leaders. Take all the information you get and form your own opinion. The one thing I do tell everyone is to keep your mind open to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Even if you disagree, at least try to see a different point of view with an open mind.
While “Brat” has been around much longer than “Alpha Sub”, I will admit I do not agree with either term. I think that the very meaning of Brat goes against what it means to be submissive, as does the term Alpha.
If you consider the meaning of Alpha, it is defined as the leader, the dominant one, the head of the group. This is as opposed to the term Submissive which is defined as ready to conform to the will of others, compliant and obedient. If words and titles hold meaning for you, how can you use such an oxymoron? How is it possible to be a Dominant Leader that obeys the will of others? Am I taking their meanings too literally? Maybe. But to me and many other BDSM scholars, it just doesn’t make sense.
After researching the term Alpha Submissive, I found only a few references in some obscure articles prior to 2009. It seems that from 2009 forward, many people have picked up that term and started using it in various forms and meanings. The most used description is that of a woman that is dominant in every part of her life except for sexually. In my opinion, this is a Sexual Submissive or a Bedroom Submissive. But are we just talking semantics? Probably.
How and where did the term Alpha Sub come about? I haven’t been able to find that out. But Sexual Submissive and Bedroom Submissive have been used as terms to describe certain types of subs for at least 30 years and probably longer. They are not politically incorrect and they are not offensive. So why use such a contradictory term instead of the standard ones? I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s the fashionable thing to do. It’s a buzz word that many new people read somewhere in a fiction book or online and they think it describes them. Others that don’t like the word submissive may put Alpha in front of it to take away some of the meaning to justify their feelings to themselves. I am not a psychologist, nor am I a mind reader. But, this is the conclusion I have derived from the people I’ve talked with about this as well as my own observations throughout the Lifestyle over many years.
Brats are defined as a spoiled, annoying or ill mannered people. “Brat” is a descriptor usually used in a negative or contemptuous way. In BDSM, it tends to refer to a submissive with a reputation for talking back, being disrespectful or being mildly disobedient. Again, it may just be wording or semantics, but this would be used to describe a SAM or Smart Ass Masochist. SAMs normally exhibit the above behavior with the end goal of being punished to satisfy their masochistic side.
In the world of BDSM, a submissive is a person who is respectful and wants to please. Yes, they might have a playful streak, but it is one that is never disrespectful, never crosses that line and never seen as bratty behavior. In fact, a submissive would generally be mortified to learn that their Dominant considered them a brat. In my opinion, people who label themselves as Brats do not understand the true meaning of being a submissive; they don’t have the drive or the need to be truly submissive to a Dominant. These people think they are submissive because they like the kinky sex or the idea of it from what they have read in books or have seen in movies.
If you are interested in this subject, I suggest that you do your own research by reading books and blogs and talking to community leaders. Take all the information you get and form your own opinion. The one thing I do tell everyone is to keep your mind open to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Even if you disagree, at least try to see a different point of view with an open mind.
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Over the past few years, I have had the privilege of mentoring and advising many types of people on BDSM in general, but mainly on submission within a Lifestyle dynamic. I have been asked all the normal questions of how, what, where, why as well as some that made me really have to think and pull the answer from deep within me.
I have seen a huge rise in people making up new labels and definitions that, in my own opinion, have absolutely nothing to do with being a true submissive. Before you get mad, just keep reading to understand what I mean.
Throughout human history, you can find records and pictures showing all kinds of kinky sex play, many being the origins of what is now known as S&M. Our culture has also always had a form of Dominant/submissive relationship embedded into it from actual slave ownership in ancient times to the 'men are the head of the household' of late 20th century America. Now, you have BDSM. It's always been Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and Switch (all gender neutral). You are asking what does the history lesson have to do with the Lifestyle? Well, if you do your homework, you will see that submissives have always been submissive.
Let's step back into the typical 1950's American household. The husband worked. The wife cooked, cleaned and did everything to make her husband happy. If the wife did something that was outside the husband's house rules, she was usually spanked or punished in some other way, and I'm not talking abuse. But the wife would never step outside her submissive role that she had married into when she married her dominant husband.
These past couple of years have brought up all kinds of new terms and people trying to redefine what BDSM is, the roles, the dynamics, and the actual definitions of those roles. I have seen new titles such as Warrior Princes, Primal, Alpha Sub, and many more used in place of submissive or slave. By their very names and meanings, this is not how to describe a submissive, especially in a BDSM dynamic.
Yes, every relationship and contract is different. Yes, everyone's thoughts, rules and contracts differ widely. I read several times in groups on social media web sites that a submissive didn't like the punishment she was given. There was a submissive that acted out and enraged her dominant just to get a spanking. His punishment wasn't a spanking but corner time. She was mad about that and said she 'deserved' a spanking. Apparently she doesn't understand being a submissive, having agreed to punishments, that her dominant is the one that decides what is to be doled out at the time it's needed.
So many of the new types of submissives out there love topping from the bottom even though I don't think they realize it. One person wrote to me saying they did something they knew was against their rules, they got a punishment of spanking. As the spanking was being delivered, they went through a myriad of 'head spaces' from infant, to toddler, older child and then pre-teen. They said at the end of the spanking punishment, they threw a giant fit and felt worse instead of feeling better. First of all, a punishment isn't used to make you feel better. It's used to deter a submissive from doing that same wrong thing again in the future. A few red flags went up when I read about this situation. The whole 'changing head spaces' excuse is total bullshit to me. Unless you have a multiple personality disorder, there's no way you would be able to process going from one head space to another. Then there's the part where the sub was 'even angrier' after the punishment was delivered. You don't get mad after being punished for something you did wrong, especially when you understand you did break a rule. If this person were a true submissive, they would feel remorse and go out of their way in the future not to repeat that same thing.
It amazes me that I have read supposed submissives say they say No to their Dominants anytime they want to. If there is a valid reason, ok, no problem. But, if a sub is sitting on the couch reading a book, the Dominant asks them to go fetch a glass of water, the sub should put the book down, get the water, present it to their Dominant, and return to reading. There should be no bad feelings associated with it. If the sub asks the dominant to wait just a second for them to finish up a paragraph, then ok. But a flat out refusal for no good reason, only because they don't want to? That is absolutely not submissive behavior. That is a red flag sign of a fake submissive.
I have seen so many people calling themselves Warrior Princesses and Alpha Subs. These terms are not accepted in the real world BDSM community. Not in any that I know of. While Alpha Sub has been around for a while, its original meaning has become convoluted. People are taking it to mean they are a leader, one that bows down to no one. If you are that, then you are not submissive. Let's be clear, everything I'm talking about is within the confines of a BDSM relationship. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but once you are in that role of submissive in a BDSM situation, you are submissive. You will present and act as a true submissive does.
To sum up my rambling thoughts, here is what I think a True Submissive is versus a faker. These are the traits that submissives in a BDSM relationship usually have when it comes to their dynamic with their Dominant.
These are how I think of submissives. If you don't fit every line in the list above, am I saying you aren't a submissive? No. I'm just saying you might need to reevaluate your thoughts and your own place in the BDSM lifestyle. I am also not referring to Sexual Submissives. Those are people that only submit during sexual situations.
For a look into our beliefs of BDSM in general, read To Thine Own Self Be True .
Feel free to comment below and add your thoughts to this. I'm always open to hearing other's opinions, even if they are completely opposite of my own.
I have seen a huge rise in people making up new labels and definitions that, in my own opinion, have absolutely nothing to do with being a true submissive. Before you get mad, just keep reading to understand what I mean.
Throughout human history, you can find records and pictures showing all kinds of kinky sex play, many being the origins of what is now known as S&M. Our culture has also always had a form of Dominant/submissive relationship embedded into it from actual slave ownership in ancient times to the 'men are the head of the household' of late 20th century America. Now, you have BDSM. It's always been Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and Switch (all gender neutral). You are asking what does the history lesson have to do with the Lifestyle? Well, if you do your homework, you will see that submissives have always been submissive.
Let's step back into the typical 1950's American household. The husband worked. The wife cooked, cleaned and did everything to make her husband happy. If the wife did something that was outside the husband's house rules, she was usually spanked or punished in some other way, and I'm not talking abuse. But the wife would never step outside her submissive role that she had married into when she married her dominant husband.
These past couple of years have brought up all kinds of new terms and people trying to redefine what BDSM is, the roles, the dynamics, and the actual definitions of those roles. I have seen new titles such as Warrior Princes, Primal, Alpha Sub, and many more used in place of submissive or slave. By their very names and meanings, this is not how to describe a submissive, especially in a BDSM dynamic.
Yes, every relationship and contract is different. Yes, everyone's thoughts, rules and contracts differ widely. I read several times in groups on social media web sites that a submissive didn't like the punishment she was given. There was a submissive that acted out and enraged her dominant just to get a spanking. His punishment wasn't a spanking but corner time. She was mad about that and said she 'deserved' a spanking. Apparently she doesn't understand being a submissive, having agreed to punishments, that her dominant is the one that decides what is to be doled out at the time it's needed.
So many of the new types of submissives out there love topping from the bottom even though I don't think they realize it. One person wrote to me saying they did something they knew was against their rules, they got a punishment of spanking. As the spanking was being delivered, they went through a myriad of 'head spaces' from infant, to toddler, older child and then pre-teen. They said at the end of the spanking punishment, they threw a giant fit and felt worse instead of feeling better. First of all, a punishment isn't used to make you feel better. It's used to deter a submissive from doing that same wrong thing again in the future. A few red flags went up when I read about this situation. The whole 'changing head spaces' excuse is total bullshit to me. Unless you have a multiple personality disorder, there's no way you would be able to process going from one head space to another. Then there's the part where the sub was 'even angrier' after the punishment was delivered. You don't get mad after being punished for something you did wrong, especially when you understand you did break a rule. If this person were a true submissive, they would feel remorse and go out of their way in the future not to repeat that same thing.
It amazes me that I have read supposed submissives say they say No to their Dominants anytime they want to. If there is a valid reason, ok, no problem. But, if a sub is sitting on the couch reading a book, the Dominant asks them to go fetch a glass of water, the sub should put the book down, get the water, present it to their Dominant, and return to reading. There should be no bad feelings associated with it. If the sub asks the dominant to wait just a second for them to finish up a paragraph, then ok. But a flat out refusal for no good reason, only because they don't want to? That is absolutely not submissive behavior. That is a red flag sign of a fake submissive.
I have seen so many people calling themselves Warrior Princesses and Alpha Subs. These terms are not accepted in the real world BDSM community. Not in any that I know of. While Alpha Sub has been around for a while, its original meaning has become convoluted. People are taking it to mean they are a leader, one that bows down to no one. If you are that, then you are not submissive. Let's be clear, everything I'm talking about is within the confines of a BDSM relationship. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but once you are in that role of submissive in a BDSM situation, you are submissive. You will present and act as a true submissive does.
To sum up my rambling thoughts, here is what I think a True Submissive is versus a faker. These are the traits that submissives in a BDSM relationship usually have when it comes to their dynamic with their Dominant.
- Someone that feels the need to submit to another person
- Someone that feels the pull and pride to serve
- Someone that always speaks truth to their Dominant about their feelings and situations
- Someone that doesn't bounce around from Dominant to Dominant every other week.
- Someone that follows the rules and protocols set forth by their Dominant
- Someone that doesn't break the rules on purpose to goad their Dominant into punishment
- Someone that learns from their mistakes and tries their best not to repeat them
- Someone that takes punishments with grace and feels moves forward without lingering bad feelings
- Someone that puts their Dominant's needs above their own
- Someone that always tries to anticipate how they can make their Dominant's life easier by doing things they were never expected or asked to do
These are how I think of submissives. If you don't fit every line in the list above, am I saying you aren't a submissive? No. I'm just saying you might need to reevaluate your thoughts and your own place in the BDSM lifestyle. I am also not referring to Sexual Submissives. Those are people that only submit during sexual situations.
For a look into our beliefs of BDSM in general, read To Thine Own Self Be True .
Feel free to comment below and add your thoughts to this. I'm always open to hearing other's opinions, even if they are completely opposite of my own.
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2015 has gone by so fast. I remember starting the year with optimism, trying to approach my blog, the community and life with a fresh pair of eyes. I really felt a renewed energy not only in my connections to the Lifestyle, but also in life in general.
Now, here we are, right on the brink of starting another new year. I look back with some disappointments in things I didn’t achieve but also happy with the accomplishments that did happen.
Within the community as a collective whole, I’ve seen the usual new BDSM pages pop up, seen many close down, seen people come and go, and noted that many pages/people were still on a steady growth.
In April and May, our personal lives were in transition as we were hunting for a new place to live and finally found it and moved on June 1st. The entire process of packing, scheduling, unpacking and working during this entire time was very stressful but we made it through. My focus was completely not on writing, but just getting Padrone and myself back into a routine and making the new apartment home.
In 2014 and the early half of 2015, people were still coming in droves, declaring themselves a dom/master/sub/slave without having a clue what those titles really meant, and diving head first into what they called a TPE, only to have a new partner a month later because the old one hadn’t worked out. In August, I noticed the amount of new online BDSM people asking to be admitted to groups and pages decreasing in huge numbers. I think the affect that the 50 Shades books/movies had on the vanilla world finally ran it’s course.
I published a new book on Contracts and continued to mentor and answer questions when people asked me about the Lifestyle. My priorities changed at towards the end of the year from BDSM education to a new venture that is still in the early stages of development. I’m trying my hand at writing a trilogy of Sci-fi based fiction books. I’m not sure how long it will take to write even the first one, but it is an exciting new project I have on the horizon.
My first BDSM educational book, BDSM Basics for Beginners, is going to be translated and distributed in the Czech Republic by the end of 2016. They are even thinking of translating it into a few other languages.
The year for us was one of transitions, new beginnings, branching out in new directions, but always doing it together as a couple. Padrone has supported, guided and advised me on everything. I can say without a doubt that we have grown even closer in this past year.
Many couples that live a BDSM D/s or M/s lifestyle don’t think you can actually work together as a team. They see the Dominant as the only source of decision making. I respect those couples, but we are living proof that you can have an M/s relationship but also work as a team in certain arenas.
I have addressed this topic before and I will once again. The year ended on a bad note with the arrest of Mike Makai and one of his girlfriends. If you haven’t read the story, you can find it all over the internet. I won’t repost all the charges here.
After his past as a registered sex offender came to light and his newest arrest, I received many emails asking how this could happen. How could someone that had his background become a self proclaimed expert in the BDSM Lifestyle? What did everyone miss? How did he fool the entire community?
There are always going to be con men out in the world, especially on the internet. There are always going to be people that tell you what you want to hear, invent a whole new persona, just to get what they want. Most of them do it to gain your trust so they can get whatever their endgame is.
To protect yourself, you can research a person very thoroughly and still may not come up with their true identity. Listen to what your instincts are telling you. If you get the impression that something is off with a person, then listen to it. Take all the normal precautions you would when talking to strangers on the internet. Never give them your real phone number, home address, or financial information. If you ever are going to meet them in person after you feel secure enough, make sure it’s in a very well populated public place and you have someone with you that can help keep an eye out. Never allow the person to follow you home until you are absolutely sure about their identity and intentions.
As far as Makai, he covered his tracks very well and there were no references that could be found to connect him to his real name. There will be others that come along and fool us in the community. His indiscretions and bad decisions have given a new stigma to our community. We have to pick up and move forward. He really didn’t live what he taught.
With this black mark against our community, we are going to have to work extra hard as a community to try to recover our credibility. We are going to have to come together as a community and support each other when the backlash hits, as no doubt a huge wave will hit the Lifestyle as the details and trial of Makai come in the beginning of 2016.
I’m personally not going to make any New Year’s resolutions. I’m just going to concentrate on my own life and the relationships I’ve built over the years. I’m going to do my best to make the world around me beautiful and as free of stress as possible. I am making a promise to enjoy every day that dawns and every night that the moon rises. I want to enjoy life and not stress about my weight, looks or age. I want to enjoy my ever changing and growing relationship with my Padrone.
I urge you all to do the same thing. Enjoy your life as best as you can. Try not to allow the every day small stuff get under your skin and make your stress levels rise.
Simply love your life. Grow your knowledge. Make changes that make you happy. Just try your best to be happy.
Now, here we are, right on the brink of starting another new year. I look back with some disappointments in things I didn’t achieve but also happy with the accomplishments that did happen.
Within the community as a collective whole, I’ve seen the usual new BDSM pages pop up, seen many close down, seen people come and go, and noted that many pages/people were still on a steady growth.
In April and May, our personal lives were in transition as we were hunting for a new place to live and finally found it and moved on June 1st. The entire process of packing, scheduling, unpacking and working during this entire time was very stressful but we made it through. My focus was completely not on writing, but just getting Padrone and myself back into a routine and making the new apartment home.
In 2014 and the early half of 2015, people were still coming in droves, declaring themselves a dom/master/sub/slave without having a clue what those titles really meant, and diving head first into what they called a TPE, only to have a new partner a month later because the old one hadn’t worked out. In August, I noticed the amount of new online BDSM people asking to be admitted to groups and pages decreasing in huge numbers. I think the affect that the 50 Shades books/movies had on the vanilla world finally ran it’s course.
I published a new book on Contracts and continued to mentor and answer questions when people asked me about the Lifestyle. My priorities changed at towards the end of the year from BDSM education to a new venture that is still in the early stages of development. I’m trying my hand at writing a trilogy of Sci-fi based fiction books. I’m not sure how long it will take to write even the first one, but it is an exciting new project I have on the horizon.
My first BDSM educational book, BDSM Basics for Beginners, is going to be translated and distributed in the Czech Republic by the end of 2016. They are even thinking of translating it into a few other languages.
The year for us was one of transitions, new beginnings, branching out in new directions, but always doing it together as a couple. Padrone has supported, guided and advised me on everything. I can say without a doubt that we have grown even closer in this past year.
Many couples that live a BDSM D/s or M/s lifestyle don’t think you can actually work together as a team. They see the Dominant as the only source of decision making. I respect those couples, but we are living proof that you can have an M/s relationship but also work as a team in certain arenas.
I have addressed this topic before and I will once again. The year ended on a bad note with the arrest of Mike Makai and one of his girlfriends. If you haven’t read the story, you can find it all over the internet. I won’t repost all the charges here.
After his past as a registered sex offender came to light and his newest arrest, I received many emails asking how this could happen. How could someone that had his background become a self proclaimed expert in the BDSM Lifestyle? What did everyone miss? How did he fool the entire community?
There are always going to be con men out in the world, especially on the internet. There are always going to be people that tell you what you want to hear, invent a whole new persona, just to get what they want. Most of them do it to gain your trust so they can get whatever their endgame is.
To protect yourself, you can research a person very thoroughly and still may not come up with their true identity. Listen to what your instincts are telling you. If you get the impression that something is off with a person, then listen to it. Take all the normal precautions you would when talking to strangers on the internet. Never give them your real phone number, home address, or financial information. If you ever are going to meet them in person after you feel secure enough, make sure it’s in a very well populated public place and you have someone with you that can help keep an eye out. Never allow the person to follow you home until you are absolutely sure about their identity and intentions.
As far as Makai, he covered his tracks very well and there were no references that could be found to connect him to his real name. There will be others that come along and fool us in the community. His indiscretions and bad decisions have given a new stigma to our community. We have to pick up and move forward. He really didn’t live what he taught.
With this black mark against our community, we are going to have to work extra hard as a community to try to recover our credibility. We are going to have to come together as a community and support each other when the backlash hits, as no doubt a huge wave will hit the Lifestyle as the details and trial of Makai come in the beginning of 2016.
I’m personally not going to make any New Year’s resolutions. I’m just going to concentrate on my own life and the relationships I’ve built over the years. I’m going to do my best to make the world around me beautiful and as free of stress as possible. I am making a promise to enjoy every day that dawns and every night that the moon rises. I want to enjoy life and not stress about my weight, looks or age. I want to enjoy my ever changing and growing relationship with my Padrone.
I urge you all to do the same thing. Enjoy your life as best as you can. Try not to allow the every day small stuff get under your skin and make your stress levels rise.
Simply love your life. Grow your knowledge. Make changes that make you happy. Just try your best to be happy.
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If you've been around the Lifestyle for any amount of time, you have probably come across dominants, the majority of whom are male, that have many (3+) submissives and continuously seek more. It seems like these types of dominants cannot get enough of attention or worshipping from these different types of submissives.
I am not speaking about people that are in a Poly group/relationship where every member knows about the others and are ok with it. I am talking about people that tend to have many submissives, yet still continue to flirt with others in a sexual or mental way. These types of dominants usually do not have the time they need to devote to their current submissives, thus leaving the subs feeling lacking for attention, that somehow they did something to make the dominant ignore them, or just plain depressed.
It is not uncommon for Sub Collectors to collar people quickly. The Collector is inclined to view the size of their collection of submissives as a sign of their prowess as a Dominant. This does not necessarily mean that a Collector cannot be a skilled Dominant; what is usually the case is the contrary, as many of this subtype can easily assume one or more Dominant roles in order to succeed at attracting submissives.
Are Sub Collector Doms what a lot of people in the Lifestyle refer to as a "fake"?
They can be. One sure sign of a fake dominant, especially those that appear online only, is the amount of females they try to friend, message, and talk to. There is a difference between friendly chatter and flirting. If the dominant starts flirting, hinting that you need to submit to him, become his, or pay homage to him very fast after you just met him, RUN/BLOCK/DELETE! I bet there are many others that he is having the exact same conversation with.
What's the difference between a Sub Collector Dom and a Poly Dom?
A Poly Dom is a dominant that happens to be involved with 2 or more submissives. In a poly situation, all parties involved know about the others and all understand what is going on.
There are no secrets kept and many of them are in committed relationships with each other.
There are some Poly doms that have multiple submissives which are not committed to a relationship and their submissives may have other partners also, but again, all are aware of what is going on.
A Sub Collector Dom may not tell all of the different women he is talking to about the others he already has on the hook. He also may have his own submissives but then have many other subs that he 'protects or trains'.
In the instances that I have seen this to be the case, the Sub Collector Dom is usually only collecting naked or erotic pictures and videos from those under training or his protection but not receiving anything in return.
What can I do to avoid a Collector?
I am not speaking about people that are in a Poly group/relationship where every member knows about the others and are ok with it. I am talking about people that tend to have many submissives, yet still continue to flirt with others in a sexual or mental way. These types of dominants usually do not have the time they need to devote to their current submissives, thus leaving the subs feeling lacking for attention, that somehow they did something to make the dominant ignore them, or just plain depressed.
It is not uncommon for Sub Collectors to collar people quickly. The Collector is inclined to view the size of their collection of submissives as a sign of their prowess as a Dominant. This does not necessarily mean that a Collector cannot be a skilled Dominant; what is usually the case is the contrary, as many of this subtype can easily assume one or more Dominant roles in order to succeed at attracting submissives.
On the other hand, maintaining a balance within the group is not always a priority for them. It is also not uncommon for Collectors to be unwilling to provide the attention or nurturing that a submissive in their care might desire, and many Collectors are quite up-front about it. This results in a high turnover of submissives for most Collectors – new submissives come in, but also many frustrated submissives leave.
Are Sub Collector Doms what a lot of people in the Lifestyle refer to as a "fake"?
They can be. One sure sign of a fake dominant, especially those that appear online only, is the amount of females they try to friend, message, and talk to. There is a difference between friendly chatter and flirting. If the dominant starts flirting, hinting that you need to submit to him, become his, or pay homage to him very fast after you just met him, RUN/BLOCK/DELETE! I bet there are many others that he is having the exact same conversation with.
What's the difference between a Sub Collector Dom and a Poly Dom?
A Poly Dom is a dominant that happens to be involved with 2 or more submissives. In a poly situation, all parties involved know about the others and all understand what is going on.
There are no secrets kept and many of them are in committed relationships with each other.
There are some Poly doms that have multiple submissives which are not committed to a relationship and their submissives may have other partners also, but again, all are aware of what is going on.
A Sub Collector Dom may not tell all of the different women he is talking to about the others he already has on the hook. He also may have his own submissives but then have many other subs that he 'protects or trains'.
In the instances that I have seen this to be the case, the Sub Collector Dom is usually only collecting naked or erotic pictures and videos from those under training or his protection but not receiving anything in return.
What can I do to avoid a Collector?
Make sure you take your time to get to know them and not rush into anything. This type of mistake can get you hooked and hurt before you ever realize what is going on. Talk to the dominant's friends and ask about their character. Just be vigilant and keep your eyes open.
If you have any comments you would like to share, please leave them in the section after the post.
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Here is the second half of the questions from my Q&A session with the FB group Mind, Body, Soul BDSM. I hope some of these give you more knowledge or even get you involved in the continuing conversations some of these questions have caused.
Question #6) Do you believe the protocol of D/s speech and being honest with ones words "cures" passive/aggressive behavior?
I am not exactly sure in what context you meant this question. If you mean online slash speak (O/our), I don’t agree with it at all. I don’t think it shows respect, protocol or anything. I think it was just something else made up along the way as the internet BDSM community grew. I show every the same and mutual respect that I would in a vanilla setting. I don’t recommend calling anyone by any kind of title, other than your own Dominant. If a person demands you call them something, they are not a real Dominant. A real dominant doesn’t demand respect, they earn it and their very nature and presence just makes you want to show them certain type of respect.
I think you always have to be honest with your feelings, whether they be good or bad. If you are pretending to feel something that you are not, then it is faking and not tolerated in a BDSM setting or relationship.
Question #7) I'm curious about BDSM practices and beliefs in the 1800's, before old guard and leather... Before it even had "BDSM" as an identifier..
The earliest recordings of a BDSM like activity was back in ancient Sumeria. After that, the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans, to name a few, had many diverse sadomasochistic games they played, mostly involving flogging and spanking. I recommend an in-depth research if you are truly interested in this subject.
Question #8) Can you tell me about the origins of the practice of collaring?
Depending on who you ask, some think the collar of the sub was modelled after ancient civilizations that used slave collars to show ownership. Collars have always been used as a form of restraint for many diverse S&M scenes. The actual evolution of how the collar came to mean what it does in todays Lifestyle is very murky. I tend to believe that it did somehow evolve from the ancient peoples that used slaves and used special types of collars to mark their property.
I think of subs that wear collars without being owned as wanna be's. They also might be gothic. But those types of subs are not real submissives. It's ok to purchase a necklace or collar if you want to, but never tell anyone it's a bdsm collar unless you had a dominant give it to you. Without that action behind a collar, it is a meaningless piece of jewerely.
Question #9) When I first became involved in the lifestyle I was told that the submissive selects her Dominant and can offer a collar to him that he would place on her neck as a sign of ownership. More commonly I understand that it is the Dominant that purchases the collar and offers it to the submissive. Which is correct?
Only a fake dominant would make the sub purchase her own collar. The dominant should allow the sub a say in the type of collar because all lifestyles outside BDSM are different, but the dominant has final say and should be the one to purchase, offer and place it on her neck.
Question #10) How long does sub frenzy typically last? Can one survive purely in sub frenzy status?
Sub frenzy is a term used to describe new subs that are so excited they rush into a relationship with their eyes wide shut and basically without any knowledge of what BDSM really consists of. I think sub frenzy only lasts as long as it takes a sub to become more knowledgeable about the Lifestyle. I think once the actual newness wears off, the frenzy retreats and the sub becomes more cautious and aware of their decisions and actions.
If you have something to add to any of the topics above, please leave a comment!
Question #6) Do you believe the protocol of D/s speech and being honest with ones words "cures" passive/aggressive behavior?
I am not exactly sure in what context you meant this question. If you mean online slash speak (O/our), I don’t agree with it at all. I don’t think it shows respect, protocol or anything. I think it was just something else made up along the way as the internet BDSM community grew. I show every the same and mutual respect that I would in a vanilla setting. I don’t recommend calling anyone by any kind of title, other than your own Dominant. If a person demands you call them something, they are not a real Dominant. A real dominant doesn’t demand respect, they earn it and their very nature and presence just makes you want to show them certain type of respect.
I think you always have to be honest with your feelings, whether they be good or bad. If you are pretending to feel something that you are not, then it is faking and not tolerated in a BDSM setting or relationship.
The earliest recordings of a BDSM like activity was back in ancient Sumeria. After that, the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans, to name a few, had many diverse sadomasochistic games they played, mostly involving flogging and spanking. I recommend an in-depth research if you are truly interested in this subject.
Depending on who you ask, some think the collar of the sub was modelled after ancient civilizations that used slave collars to show ownership. Collars have always been used as a form of restraint for many diverse S&M scenes. The actual evolution of how the collar came to mean what it does in todays Lifestyle is very murky. I tend to believe that it did somehow evolve from the ancient peoples that used slaves and used special types of collars to mark their property.
Sub frenzy is a term used to describe new subs that are so excited they rush into a relationship with their eyes wide shut and basically without any knowledge of what BDSM really consists of. I think sub frenzy only lasts as long as it takes a sub to become more knowledgeable about the Lifestyle. I think once the actual newness wears off, the frenzy retreats and the sub becomes more cautious and aware of their decisions and actions.
If you have something to add to any of the topics above, please leave a comment!
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I was recently invited back to do another Questions and Answers session with a Facebook Group called Mind, Body, and Soul BDSM. They always bring me great and innovative questions that get me thinking. Below is the first five questions with my answers.
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
Question #2) What are tips to use to stay in sub mind when everyday life tries to pull you out?
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
Question #4) When pushing a taboo limit, what method does one use to battle the fear and process what they had just accomplished?
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
Question #5) Why does it seems online ppl need tons of labels? Example: warrior sub and tin pot dom, alpha sub, etc. Etc.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
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Although we don't talk much about it, Humiliation in the BDSM world is a normal and widely used tool Dominants use as psychological play with their submissives, although it is a powerful but often misunderstood aspect the BDSM Lifestyle.
Humiliation is defined as a consensual psychological act in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal. This can be for the person being humiliated and demeaned or for the person humiliating, or for some spectator. Because different people have different emotional triggers, the range of activities involved in humiliation play is huge, and what one person finds embarrassing another person might not react at all to.
Humiliation can be used as a training tool, punishment or in a playful way, depending on how the dominant decides to utilize it. The first rule of humiliation should be the cooperation of the submissive. Just as every Dominant is not the same, neither are submissives. Make sure that humiliation play/punishment/training is not on the submissive's Hard Limit's List.
Humiliation can be in the forms of verbal, mental, or physical. At its core erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate.
Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy.
Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation.
Extreme humiliation is called degradation. It can involve a wide range of activities, such as human toilet play. The boundary between degradation and humiliation is unclear. It has been suggested that degradation can have a more long-lasting negative affect on a victim’s mind than humiliation, and so it is often beyond people’s limits of what is acceptable.
To a large extent, what is humiliating or degrading is quite individual and varies a lot from person to person. Animal play is seen by some as degrading, but people into pup play would totally disagree. The same goes for age play, exhibitionism, crossdressing, servitude and pretty much everything else on the list. One person’s “humiliating” is not necessarily another’s.
Humiliation play can be taken to a point where it becomes emotionally or psychologically distressing to one or the other partner, especially if it is public humiliation. Erotic humiliation can become extreme enough to be considered a form of edgeplay.
It’s important to understand that erotic humiliation and degradation is based firmly on consent. If there is no consent then it is abusive. This doesn’t have to be consent given in that exact moment, it could be an agreement between partners of Consensual Non-Consent. But it HAS to be there.
Whatever your thoughts on Humiliation, just ensure there is total consent and understanding from your partner before embarking on this as a form of play, punishment, or training.
If you have any thoughts or comments you would like to share on the subject, leave them below.
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It's been brought to my attention that Emily Winters is attacking me and writing lies about me because of my GoFundMe account where I have asked for help in acquiring a divorce (gofund.me/HelpFundMyDivorce). We were once very good friends and we trusted each other with what was happening with our personal lives. She made the decision to end our friendship right after I came to Italy because she didn't like the advice I gave her after she asked me my opinion. If you have read my blogs or ever had a conversation with me, you know I say exactly what I think and do not sugar coat it. I will also not stoop to her level by revealing her true name or those of her children as she revealed the name of my children in her fabricated post about me.
First I will address Emily's blatant lies and twisted truths that she posted on her page:
1. She said I 'procured' a flight to Italy. Padrone Marco flew to California himself for the sole purpose of flying me back to Italy to live with him because we were in love. The choice was mine. He knew the complete situation.
2. I did bring my dog but not my kids. Why? The law prohibited it. I could not have gotten a lawyer to grant me the permission because I had no job and no access to money because my husband would not allow me to have access to any cash and kept very low to $0 amounts of money in the bank account. If I could have brought my kids with me I would have. No doubts about it.
3. I have never had any troubles with the IRS. Wilton filed his paperwork separately. I had not worked since 2004 so never had a W-2 nor 1099, hence no need to file. His problems with the IRS have been resolved as far as I know, but again, he made the problems and he fixed it.
4. The only financial item that I was a co-signer for was on a house that the ex now lives in with the two boys on a part time basis when not living with his current female companion in her condo.
5. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for most of our marriage. I never said he physically abused me. He did threaten me many times in many different ways and towards the end he became increasingly unstable around me when the boys were not at home. He was good with our boys. He always had problems with the way he treats women. Emily thinks she knows about my entire life but she doesn't. I didn't tell anyone about my forced abortions until many years later. If you want proof of his behaviour, I had a woman (whose identity will remain a secret) email me out of the blue about him attempting to kidnap her from her own apartment. If you want to see the email I will gladly show you.
6. As far as me being 'stuck' in Italy, that is an outright lie. I have my passport and am free to come and go as I please. No problems. Why will I not leave and go back to the USA to try to fight for a divorce? First, I would have to try to find a job, apartment, and everything else just to stay there. Second, he would contest it and fight me for daring to file first if I were there. Third, I simply don't want to leave Padrone for that many months and probably years it would take to file and obtain a divorce.
7. There are several types of visas you can get in Italy to stay here legally. How does Emily know if I have a student visa or not? Or, since I publish books, how does she know if I have been granted a limited work visa because of my writing? No, I can't get a regular job in Italy because of my current status. She doesn't know what my status is. In Italy, as with most of the Schengen countries, there are multiple ways to obtain a visa to stay in a country, but those visas do not give you the same rights as being married to a citizen. And yes, I want to and will eventually marry Padrone, not because of any legal situation, but because we love each other. Being married will protect me if something happens to him financially and legally. He wants me to be as safe as possible, as any good Master would. He has allowed me access to all of his accounts so I am ok there. But, if I want to open one of my own that isn't possible.
8. As far as my experience in the Lifestyle, I have always stated (read through my blogs as proof) that I have been in and around the lifestyle for over 20 years. I started at the age of 18 when I had moved to Kansas and had a teacher that was a good friend who was also in the Air Force. My ex never was into the D/s of the lifestyle so I sought out the internet and lived, mentored and gained more knowledge that way. Does online count? That is up to you to decide. My advice, views and knowledge are the same and do not change. I count all of those years because yes, I started at a very early age.
9. Did I delete her comment from my Go Fund me page? Of course I did. Why would I leave false hurtful statements from someone that hates me for no reason and is a very bitter person? And yes, I blocked her from my accounts because I don't want to put up with her drama. I don't do drama. The stress of crap like this is a seizure trigger for my epilepsy so I avoid it at all costs. I'm only responding to her this time because she is a public figure and this is the second time she is trying to ruin my reputation.
Now I have addressed all of her falsehoods and outright lies, I urge you to go and read the two blog posts about my life leading up to my leaving my ex. I recommend you read them first then continue to read this post.
Blog post 1: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-1.html
Blog post 2: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-2.html
I will now address what happened after the last blog post ended. I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.
After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.
I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.
He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.
My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.
He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.
The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.
I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out.
Now I have explained the entire situation to you, addressed Emily's twisted truths and outright lies, it is for you to judge for yourself how you feel about me and my work in the BDSM community. Please help spread the word of this blog post by sharing it so that your friends and others may see the truth as it really is and not told through from the bitter lips of someone that didn't know everything about my real life and completely twisted the truth about the parts she knew.
If Emily reads this, Padrone says "hello".
Michelle Fegatofi
First I will address Emily's blatant lies and twisted truths that she posted on her page:
1. She said I 'procured' a flight to Italy. Padrone Marco flew to California himself for the sole purpose of flying me back to Italy to live with him because we were in love. The choice was mine. He knew the complete situation.
2. I did bring my dog but not my kids. Why? The law prohibited it. I could not have gotten a lawyer to grant me the permission because I had no job and no access to money because my husband would not allow me to have access to any cash and kept very low to $0 amounts of money in the bank account. If I could have brought my kids with me I would have. No doubts about it.
3. I have never had any troubles with the IRS. Wilton filed his paperwork separately. I had not worked since 2004 so never had a W-2 nor 1099, hence no need to file. His problems with the IRS have been resolved as far as I know, but again, he made the problems and he fixed it.
4. The only financial item that I was a co-signer for was on a house that the ex now lives in with the two boys on a part time basis when not living with his current female companion in her condo.
5. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for most of our marriage. I never said he physically abused me. He did threaten me many times in many different ways and towards the end he became increasingly unstable around me when the boys were not at home. He was good with our boys. He always had problems with the way he treats women. Emily thinks she knows about my entire life but she doesn't. I didn't tell anyone about my forced abortions until many years later. If you want proof of his behaviour, I had a woman (whose identity will remain a secret) email me out of the blue about him attempting to kidnap her from her own apartment. If you want to see the email I will gladly show you.
6. As far as me being 'stuck' in Italy, that is an outright lie. I have my passport and am free to come and go as I please. No problems. Why will I not leave and go back to the USA to try to fight for a divorce? First, I would have to try to find a job, apartment, and everything else just to stay there. Second, he would contest it and fight me for daring to file first if I were there. Third, I simply don't want to leave Padrone for that many months and probably years it would take to file and obtain a divorce.
7. There are several types of visas you can get in Italy to stay here legally. How does Emily know if I have a student visa or not? Or, since I publish books, how does she know if I have been granted a limited work visa because of my writing? No, I can't get a regular job in Italy because of my current status. She doesn't know what my status is. In Italy, as with most of the Schengen countries, there are multiple ways to obtain a visa to stay in a country, but those visas do not give you the same rights as being married to a citizen. And yes, I want to and will eventually marry Padrone, not because of any legal situation, but because we love each other. Being married will protect me if something happens to him financially and legally. He wants me to be as safe as possible, as any good Master would. He has allowed me access to all of his accounts so I am ok there. But, if I want to open one of my own that isn't possible.
8. As far as my experience in the Lifestyle, I have always stated (read through my blogs as proof) that I have been in and around the lifestyle for over 20 years. I started at the age of 18 when I had moved to Kansas and had a teacher that was a good friend who was also in the Air Force. My ex never was into the D/s of the lifestyle so I sought out the internet and lived, mentored and gained more knowledge that way. Does online count? That is up to you to decide. My advice, views and knowledge are the same and do not change. I count all of those years because yes, I started at a very early age.
9. Did I delete her comment from my Go Fund me page? Of course I did. Why would I leave false hurtful statements from someone that hates me for no reason and is a very bitter person? And yes, I blocked her from my accounts because I don't want to put up with her drama. I don't do drama. The stress of crap like this is a seizure trigger for my epilepsy so I avoid it at all costs. I'm only responding to her this time because she is a public figure and this is the second time she is trying to ruin my reputation.
Now I have addressed all of her falsehoods and outright lies, I urge you to go and read the two blog posts about my life leading up to my leaving my ex. I recommend you read them first then continue to read this post.
Blog post 1: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-1.html
Blog post 2: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-2.html
I will now address what happened after the last blog post ended. I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.
After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.
I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.
He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.
My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.
He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.
The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.
I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out.
Now I have explained the entire situation to you, addressed Emily's twisted truths and outright lies, it is for you to judge for yourself how you feel about me and my work in the BDSM community. Please help spread the word of this blog post by sharing it so that your friends and others may see the truth as it really is and not told through from the bitter lips of someone that didn't know everything about my real life and completely twisted the truth about the parts she knew.
If Emily reads this, Padrone says "hello".
Michelle Fegatofi
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Introducing the newest book from Michelle Fegatofi: The BDSM Contract Book!
What is a BDSM Contract and why should I sign one? The process of drafting a Contract between all parties is a strong tool that should be utilized as one of the foundations when starting a new BDSM relationship of any kind. It is very important to ensure that everyone involved has a complete understanding, from the beginning, of all the principles according to which their relationship and their power exchange will be based on, discussing Expectations, Soft and Hard Limits, Rules, Protocols, Rituals, Punishments. All of them should be negotiated, included and agreed in your own personal Contract. This book has been written with the purpose to help understand going through every one of them and it explains in detail, with extensive examples, how the different Contracts can be written, completed, accepted and signed, depending on the various kind of BDSM relationship (Dominant-Domme/submissive, Master-Mistress/slave, Switch Couple, Scene, Online).
Available in paperback and ebook formats at lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi and coming soon to all major book retailers!
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Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! This week, I address the topics: "Annoying Littles", "Pushy Doms", and "Life balance".
Question #1) "I am a submissive that has been in the lifestyle and active in the community for a long time. In the last 5 years, I have seen a spike in 'littles' online. I understand that there is a dynamic for this and I get the coloring and stuffed animals. What annoys me is when you are reading and a grown person always writes like they are a 3 year old! Is there any way to express to them that they should type or 'speak' in a normal way versus sounding so annoying to everyone by using Me wanna instead of I want? Any advice would be welcomed!"
This is a very touchy subject so I will try to be as PC as possible. There are several types of Littles. Not all of them speak or type like they are a toddler. Those that do always use "little speak" whenever they are online. In my opinion, if you don't like this, then don't engage them in conversation. If you are scrolling through pages or groups and see comments written in that manner, just ignore it and continue on. I will admit that it is somewhat annoying to me also when I read comments in "little speak" but I try not to judge and just continue on with my own little world. We all have an option to engage people or not online and to participate or not in groups that contain Littles. So, if they really bother you that much, I suggest you not participate in groups where they tend to congregate or type in that manner.
Question #2) "I am friends with a submissive that has a dominant. I have never expressed any interest in being with him in any sort of way but he always tries to be dominant to me anytime I am in the presence of the two of them. I have told him that he's not my dom and that I am not a submissive. His sub, my friend, doesn't know how to handle the situation and tells me 'it's just how he is'. Any advice on how to retain my friendship while putting the pushy dom in his place?"
First you have to put the dom in his place. Since you are not a sub and not involved with him, you are under no obligation to act civil with him especially if he continuously attacks you in that manner. A real Dom would never bully anyone into giving them respect or submission. To me, he's ab abusive bully and not a dominant. As far as retaining your friendship, I think you should tell the sub exactly how you see her partner and suggest she reevaluate her own relationship with him. It will have to be up to her to break that connection if she chooses to continue to be your friend.
Question #3) "How do I balance being a submissive all the time and staying true to my dominant as his sub while I am at work?"
This is a very broad question. I suggest establishing specific rules to follow for when you are at work and different ones for when you are at home. When making the rules for work, ensure that they can be followed without interfering with your job. They also might need to be flexible somewhat depending on your schedule and job type. If possible, wear some piece of jewellery that reminds you of your status as your Dominant's submissive. It will help you focus when you need it, but could also act as a calming influence from the stressors of daily work life.
I picked these three questions because they were so different from the ones I usually get. Keep the awesome questions coming and I hope you learned something new with this week's post. Make sure to come back every Tuesday for more informative Q&A!
Send your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com (or use the Contact Form) and even if they are not featured here on the Talk Tuesday blog, I will reply as soon as possible.
Question #1) "I am a submissive that has been in the lifestyle and active in the community for a long time. In the last 5 years, I have seen a spike in 'littles' online. I understand that there is a dynamic for this and I get the coloring and stuffed animals. What annoys me is when you are reading and a grown person always writes like they are a 3 year old! Is there any way to express to them that they should type or 'speak' in a normal way versus sounding so annoying to everyone by using Me wanna instead of I want? Any advice would be welcomed!"
This is a very touchy subject so I will try to be as PC as possible. There are several types of Littles. Not all of them speak or type like they are a toddler. Those that do always use "little speak" whenever they are online. In my opinion, if you don't like this, then don't engage them in conversation. If you are scrolling through pages or groups and see comments written in that manner, just ignore it and continue on. I will admit that it is somewhat annoying to me also when I read comments in "little speak" but I try not to judge and just continue on with my own little world. We all have an option to engage people or not online and to participate or not in groups that contain Littles. So, if they really bother you that much, I suggest you not participate in groups where they tend to congregate or type in that manner.
Question #2) "I am friends with a submissive that has a dominant. I have never expressed any interest in being with him in any sort of way but he always tries to be dominant to me anytime I am in the presence of the two of them. I have told him that he's not my dom and that I am not a submissive. His sub, my friend, doesn't know how to handle the situation and tells me 'it's just how he is'. Any advice on how to retain my friendship while putting the pushy dom in his place?"
First you have to put the dom in his place. Since you are not a sub and not involved with him, you are under no obligation to act civil with him especially if he continuously attacks you in that manner. A real Dom would never bully anyone into giving them respect or submission. To me, he's ab abusive bully and not a dominant. As far as retaining your friendship, I think you should tell the sub exactly how you see her partner and suggest she reevaluate her own relationship with him. It will have to be up to her to break that connection if she chooses to continue to be your friend.
Question #3) "How do I balance being a submissive all the time and staying true to my dominant as his sub while I am at work?"
This is a very broad question. I suggest establishing specific rules to follow for when you are at work and different ones for when you are at home. When making the rules for work, ensure that they can be followed without interfering with your job. They also might need to be flexible somewhat depending on your schedule and job type. If possible, wear some piece of jewellery that reminds you of your status as your Dominant's submissive. It will help you focus when you need it, but could also act as a calming influence from the stressors of daily work life.
I picked these three questions because they were so different from the ones I usually get. Keep the awesome questions coming and I hope you learned something new with this week's post. Make sure to come back every Tuesday for more informative Q&A!
Send your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com (or use the Contact Form) and even if they are not featured here on the Talk Tuesday blog, I will reply as soon as possible.
Share this post - support us:
This week, I have received a large number of great questions. I have chosen "Invisible Dominant", "Masochist with Nosey Family", and "Vanilla Domme". Read on to see if any of these problems mirror any of your own current situations.
Question #1) "I have been in contact with a Dominant online for many months. I send him naked pics and do everything he asks, but he refuses to send me a pic of his face, his voice, or anything. I have no idea what he looks like, where he works, if he has a family, nothing. The only contact I have with him is through messenger. But I seem to be emotionally connected to him in a way I don't fully understand myself. It's like I'm addicted to him. "He" could be a "She" for all I know.
How do I break myself away from him and keep myself from recontacting him if he won't give me anything of himself?"
First of all, I would never have gotten involved or emotionally attached with someone that would not give me any type of information about their real identity, life, or philosophies. You say you feel addicted to him and can't break away from him yourself. I think you love the attention you get from him as well as the humiliation of him not giving you any information as to his true identity. You may not have known or admit it to yourself that you are a masochist that enjoys certain types of humiliation. If you truly want to break off the relationship, I suggest you block him completely from communicating with you online and through your phone. I also suggest you take it a step further and change your online identities so he can't find you even if he wanted to. As far as replacing the attention that he has been giving you, I suggest staying on your own without being in any type of relationship for a few months until you can reevaluate what your own wants and needs are. You should do some deep soul searching, read more and learn more about the BDSM community as a whole and find out the parts you like and the ones you don't. During this learning journey, you will probably find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Most of all though, take care of your emotions and your own self. This person has snagged you hook, line and sinker. It's time for you to take that control back for your own emotional and mental sake.
Question #2) "I am an extreme masochist. My Prince loves to flog/whip me until I am black and blue and sometimes have welts on my back, shoulders, butt, and thighs. I want and need these sessions. He is always careful to gauge my reactions because when I slip into subspace, I am no longer coherent enough to use my safeword or hand signals. He always knows when to stop and then gives me aftercare. The problem is that since it's summer and I'm wearing more revealing clothes, we have to be more careful when around other people because they might mistake my bruising for abuse, which it is NOT! My mom and sister came by unannounced the other day and I had only a sports bra on. They walked in because the door was unlocked and saw my back after we had scened in a pretty intense session the night before. They freaked out and are threatening to call every government authority and have him arrested. It is none of their business how I choose to live my life! What can I do to reassure them that I ask for the beatings but also to get them to leave our lifestyle in peace?"
This is a very emotional and opinionated topic. Intense S&M sessions are actually against the law in many states in the USA. I don't know what country you are from, but if not American, I suggest you check with your local law enforcement about the law there. But, in the meantime, you and your partner have to sit down with the adults in your family and explain to them the entire BDSM lifestyle in basics terms to try to help them understand it better. They may still not understand or want to listen, but it us up to you and your Prince to answer every question they have. Tell them about the emotional and mental connection you have with him through the BDSM dynamic. Try to explain why you need and want the beatings. Use clinical terms and non violent provoking language when explaining it. Make sure you explain the SSC and RACK with emphasis on the consensual parts. If you two have a contract, print them a copy of it and go through it with them. I know it is getting way too personal and you are adults, but seriously, your family might bring the law into it and your partner could be charged with aggravated assault or something worse depending on the evidence. In order to keep them from going to the police, you have to endure opening your personal lives up to them to try to explain the lifestyle and your own choices. This is the only thing I can think of that may help the situation. If you have a local BDSM club in the area, I suggest you go to them for better and more pertinent advice concerning situations like this where you live.
Question #3) "We have been in a BDSM D/s relationship for over 9 years. When it first started, my Domme was very tight and always consistent with her duties as my dominant. She used guidance, correction, and punishment when needed. Over the years, she has become much more slack and our relationship has been in a big rut lately. She expects me to always be in a submissive mode to her but she doesn't give me the dominance I need and expect in return. I get confused because it seems like she wants me to live a D/s lifestyle with her but she wants to live an almost vanilla one with me. We have talked and she doesn't see my side. What can I do to get her to understand I need her to be like she was 9 years ago as far as her control over me?"
If talking hasn't helped her understand your point of view, I suggest writing two letters. First, sit and remember what you felt like when you first became an D/s couple. Remember the feelings, the tasks, guidance, and punishments. Write in explicit detail how each of those made you feel. Tell her from your most submissive point of view the way you saw her as the Domme and the way she made you feel.
In the second letter, think about all that you see and feel now. Write this down too. Tell her how you see her behavior towards you and allow her to see herself through your eyes. Don't make it harsh and mean. This is not about a revenge letter or something to try to hurt her feelings. It is only about trying to help her understand how you saw her first and how you see her now. Once she has time to read and process both letters, ask her how she feels about them. You may need to give her a few days to come to terms about what you have written. I imagine the second letter will make her angry, hurt, and maybe slightly depressed.
When the two of you are ready to sit down and talk face to face about your future and where to take the relationship next, tell her what you would like to see and really listen to her views also. Don't get stuck on how your relationship used to be because you have to remember people change over time, relationships evolve, life situations changes. You have to take all of that into consideration when you have your talk with her.
I hope this week's post helped you figure out a solution to a similar problem or to broaden your own knowledge about the BDSM Lifestyle.
If you have any advice to add or comments, please leave them below. We always love to hear from our readers no matter if your opinion agrees or disagrees with our own.
If you have a question you would like us to answer, please email bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "I have been in contact with a Dominant online for many months. I send him naked pics and do everything he asks, but he refuses to send me a pic of his face, his voice, or anything. I have no idea what he looks like, where he works, if he has a family, nothing. The only contact I have with him is through messenger. But I seem to be emotionally connected to him in a way I don't fully understand myself. It's like I'm addicted to him. "He" could be a "She" for all I know. How do I break myself away from him and keep myself from recontacting him if he won't give me anything of himself?"
First of all, I would never have gotten involved or emotionally attached with someone that would not give me any type of information about their real identity, life, or philosophies. You say you feel addicted to him and can't break away from him yourself. I think you love the attention you get from him as well as the humiliation of him not giving you any information as to his true identity. You may not have known or admit it to yourself that you are a masochist that enjoys certain types of humiliation. If you truly want to break off the relationship, I suggest you block him completely from communicating with you online and through your phone. I also suggest you take it a step further and change your online identities so he can't find you even if he wanted to. As far as replacing the attention that he has been giving you, I suggest staying on your own without being in any type of relationship for a few months until you can reevaluate what your own wants and needs are. You should do some deep soul searching, read more and learn more about the BDSM community as a whole and find out the parts you like and the ones you don't. During this learning journey, you will probably find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Most of all though, take care of your emotions and your own self. This person has snagged you hook, line and sinker. It's time for you to take that control back for your own emotional and mental sake.
Question #2) "I am an extreme masochist. My Prince loves to flog/whip me until I am black and blue and sometimes have welts on my back, shoulders, butt, and thighs. I want and need these sessions. He is always careful to gauge my reactions because when I slip into subspace, I am no longer coherent enough to use my safeword or hand signals. He always knows when to stop and then gives me aftercare. The problem is that since it's summer and I'm wearing more revealing clothes, we have to be more careful when around other people because they might mistake my bruising for abuse, which it is NOT! My mom and sister came by unannounced the other day and I had only a sports bra on. They walked in because the door was unlocked and saw my back after we had scened in a pretty intense session the night before. They freaked out and are threatening to call every government authority and have him arrested. It is none of their business how I choose to live my life! What can I do to reassure them that I ask for the beatings but also to get them to leave our lifestyle in peace?"This is a very emotional and opinionated topic. Intense S&M sessions are actually against the law in many states in the USA. I don't know what country you are from, but if not American, I suggest you check with your local law enforcement about the law there. But, in the meantime, you and your partner have to sit down with the adults in your family and explain to them the entire BDSM lifestyle in basics terms to try to help them understand it better. They may still not understand or want to listen, but it us up to you and your Prince to answer every question they have. Tell them about the emotional and mental connection you have with him through the BDSM dynamic. Try to explain why you need and want the beatings. Use clinical terms and non violent provoking language when explaining it. Make sure you explain the SSC and RACK with emphasis on the consensual parts. If you two have a contract, print them a copy of it and go through it with them. I know it is getting way too personal and you are adults, but seriously, your family might bring the law into it and your partner could be charged with aggravated assault or something worse depending on the evidence. In order to keep them from going to the police, you have to endure opening your personal lives up to them to try to explain the lifestyle and your own choices. This is the only thing I can think of that may help the situation. If you have a local BDSM club in the area, I suggest you go to them for better and more pertinent advice concerning situations like this where you live.
Question #3) "We have been in a BDSM D/s relationship for over 9 years. When it first started, my Domme was very tight and always consistent with her duties as my dominant. She used guidance, correction, and punishment when needed. Over the years, she has become much more slack and our relationship has been in a big rut lately. She expects me to always be in a submissive mode to her but she doesn't give me the dominance I need and expect in return. I get confused because it seems like she wants me to live a D/s lifestyle with her but she wants to live an almost vanilla one with me. We have talked and she doesn't see my side. What can I do to get her to understand I need her to be like she was 9 years ago as far as her control over me?"If talking hasn't helped her understand your point of view, I suggest writing two letters. First, sit and remember what you felt like when you first became an D/s couple. Remember the feelings, the tasks, guidance, and punishments. Write in explicit detail how each of those made you feel. Tell her from your most submissive point of view the way you saw her as the Domme and the way she made you feel.
In the second letter, think about all that you see and feel now. Write this down too. Tell her how you see her behavior towards you and allow her to see herself through your eyes. Don't make it harsh and mean. This is not about a revenge letter or something to try to hurt her feelings. It is only about trying to help her understand how you saw her first and how you see her now. Once she has time to read and process both letters, ask her how she feels about them. You may need to give her a few days to come to terms about what you have written. I imagine the second letter will make her angry, hurt, and maybe slightly depressed.
When the two of you are ready to sit down and talk face to face about your future and where to take the relationship next, tell her what you would like to see and really listen to her views also. Don't get stuck on how your relationship used to be because you have to remember people change over time, relationships evolve, life situations changes. You have to take all of that into consideration when you have your talk with her.
I hope this week's post helped you figure out a solution to a similar problem or to broaden your own knowledge about the BDSM Lifestyle.
If you have any advice to add or comments, please leave them below. We always love to hear from our readers no matter if your opinion agrees or disagrees with our own.
If you have a question you would like us to answer, please email bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
Welcome to this week's installment of Talk Tuesday! We received many emails this week and I have answered them all. These two below are very interesting and different from others I've answered in the past here. Hopefully these will help you if you are struggling with some of the same issues.
Question #1) "So my mistress and I have been in a contract since the 1st. Again thank you so much for the help with the contract limits worksheet. Anyway so since the contract I've been trying to get my mistress to make me do more like regular expectations such as a daily journal and doing the little things to show her dominance. But she wont. I'm scared that she is putting on 50% and I'm giving it my all and I'm afraid I'm gonna push her away. So my question for you would be am i doing the right thing or am i blowing this out of proportion?"
I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including rules, protocols, rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave? These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person). Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.
Question #2) "I am fairly a newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I responded with no Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him. We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my training. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness. I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a sub."
To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a real dominant, more like a fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.
The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.
Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.
Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.
Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).
But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.
I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Remember to stop the blog every day for great reads, posts and updates at www.bdsmunveiled.com! Leave us a comment!
 |
| Lazy Dominant or Unrealistic Expectations? |
I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including rules, protocols, rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave? These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person). Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.
 |
| Am I a submissive? |
Question #2) "I am fairly a newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I responded with no Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him. We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my training. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness. I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a sub."
To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a real dominant, more like a fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.
The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.
Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.
Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.
Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).
But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.
I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Remember to stop the blog every day for great reads, posts and updates at www.bdsmunveiled.com! Leave us a comment!
Share this post - support us:
