This week, I have received a large number of great questions. I have chosen "Invisible Dominant", "Masochist with Nosey Family", and "Vanilla Domme". Read on to see if any of these problems mirror any of your own current situations.
Question #1) "I have been in contact with a Dominant online for many months. I send him naked pics and do everything he asks, but he refuses to send me a pic of his face, his voice, or anything. I have no idea what he looks like, where he works, if he has a family, nothing. The only contact I have with him is through messenger. But I seem to be emotionally connected to him in a way I don't fully understand myself. It's like I'm addicted to him. "He" could be a "She" for all I know.
How do I break myself away from him and keep myself from recontacting him if he won't give me anything of himself?"
First of all, I would never have gotten involved or emotionally attached with someone that would not give me any type of information about their real identity, life, or philosophies. You say you feel addicted to him and can't break away from him yourself. I think you love the attention you get from him as well as the humiliation of him not giving you any information as to his true identity. You may not have known or admit it to yourself that you are a masochist that enjoys certain types of humiliation. If you truly want to break off the relationship, I suggest you block him completely from communicating with you online and through your phone. I also suggest you take it a step further and change your online identities so he can't find you even if he wanted to. As far as replacing the attention that he has been giving you, I suggest staying on your own without being in any type of relationship for a few months until you can reevaluate what your own wants and needs are. You should do some deep soul searching, read more and learn more about the BDSM community as a whole and find out the parts you like and the ones you don't. During this learning journey, you will probably find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Most of all though, take care of your emotions and your own self. This person has snagged you hook, line and sinker. It's time for you to take that control back for your own emotional and mental sake.
Question #2) "I am an extreme masochist. My Prince loves to flog/whip me until I am black and blue and sometimes have welts on my back, shoulders, butt, and thighs. I want and need these sessions. He is always careful to gauge my reactions because when I slip into subspace, I am no longer coherent enough to use my safeword or hand signals. He always knows when to stop and then gives me aftercare. The problem is that since it's summer and I'm wearing more revealing clothes, we have to be more careful when around other people because they might mistake my bruising for abuse, which it is NOT! My mom and sister came by unannounced the other day and I had only a sports bra on. They walked in because the door was unlocked and saw my back after we had scened in a pretty intense session the night before. They freaked out and are threatening to call every government authority and have him arrested. It is none of their business how I choose to live my life! What can I do to reassure them that I ask for the beatings but also to get them to leave our lifestyle in peace?"
This is a very emotional and opinionated topic. Intense S&M sessions are actually against the law in many states in the USA. I don't know what country you are from, but if not American, I suggest you check with your local law enforcement about the law there. But, in the meantime, you and your partner have to sit down with the adults in your family and explain to them the entire BDSM lifestyle in basics terms to try to help them understand it better. They may still not understand or want to listen, but it us up to you and your Prince to answer every question they have. Tell them about the emotional and mental connection you have with him through the BDSM dynamic. Try to explain why you need and want the beatings. Use clinical terms and non violent provoking language when explaining it. Make sure you explain the SSC and RACK with emphasis on the consensual parts. If you two have a contract, print them a copy of it and go through it with them. I know it is getting way too personal and you are adults, but seriously, your family might bring the law into it and your partner could be charged with aggravated assault or something worse depending on the evidence. In order to keep them from going to the police, you have to endure opening your personal lives up to them to try to explain the lifestyle and your own choices. This is the only thing I can think of that may help the situation. If you have a local BDSM club in the area, I suggest you go to them for better and more pertinent advice concerning situations like this where you live.
Question #3) "We have been in a BDSM D/s relationship for over 9 years. When it first started, my Domme was very tight and always consistent with her duties as my dominant. She used guidance, correction, and punishment when needed. Over the years, she has become much more slack and our relationship has been in a big rut lately. She expects me to always be in a submissive mode to her but she doesn't give me the dominance I need and expect in return. I get confused because it seems like she wants me to live a D/s lifestyle with her but she wants to live an almost vanilla one with me. We have talked and she doesn't see my side. What can I do to get her to understand I need her to be like she was 9 years ago as far as her control over me?"
If talking hasn't helped her understand your point of view, I suggest writing two letters. First, sit and remember what you felt like when you first became an D/s couple. Remember the feelings, the tasks, guidance, and punishments. Write in explicit detail how each of those made you feel. Tell her from your most submissive point of view the way you saw her as the Domme and the way she made you feel.
In the second letter, think about all that you see and feel now. Write this down too. Tell her how you see her behavior towards you and allow her to see herself through your eyes. Don't make it harsh and mean. This is not about a revenge letter or something to try to hurt her feelings. It is only about trying to help her understand how you saw her first and how you see her now. Once she has time to read and process both letters, ask her how she feels about them. You may need to give her a few days to come to terms about what you have written. I imagine the second letter will make her angry, hurt, and maybe slightly depressed.
When the two of you are ready to sit down and talk face to face about your future and where to take the relationship next, tell her what you would like to see and really listen to her views also. Don't get stuck on how your relationship used to be because you have to remember people change over time, relationships evolve, life situations changes. You have to take all of that into consideration when you have your talk with her.
I hope this week's post helped you figure out a solution to a similar problem or to broaden your own knowledge about the BDSM Lifestyle.
If you have any advice to add or comments, please leave them below. We always love to hear from our readers no matter if your opinion agrees or disagrees with our own.
If you have a question you would like us to answer, please email bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "I have been in contact with a Dominant online for many months. I send him naked pics and do everything he asks, but he refuses to send me a pic of his face, his voice, or anything. I have no idea what he looks like, where he works, if he has a family, nothing. The only contact I have with him is through messenger. But I seem to be emotionally connected to him in a way I don't fully understand myself. It's like I'm addicted to him. "He" could be a "She" for all I know. How do I break myself away from him and keep myself from recontacting him if he won't give me anything of himself?"
First of all, I would never have gotten involved or emotionally attached with someone that would not give me any type of information about their real identity, life, or philosophies. You say you feel addicted to him and can't break away from him yourself. I think you love the attention you get from him as well as the humiliation of him not giving you any information as to his true identity. You may not have known or admit it to yourself that you are a masochist that enjoys certain types of humiliation. If you truly want to break off the relationship, I suggest you block him completely from communicating with you online and through your phone. I also suggest you take it a step further and change your online identities so he can't find you even if he wanted to. As far as replacing the attention that he has been giving you, I suggest staying on your own without being in any type of relationship for a few months until you can reevaluate what your own wants and needs are. You should do some deep soul searching, read more and learn more about the BDSM community as a whole and find out the parts you like and the ones you don't. During this learning journey, you will probably find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Most of all though, take care of your emotions and your own self. This person has snagged you hook, line and sinker. It's time for you to take that control back for your own emotional and mental sake.
Question #2) "I am an extreme masochist. My Prince loves to flog/whip me until I am black and blue and sometimes have welts on my back, shoulders, butt, and thighs. I want and need these sessions. He is always careful to gauge my reactions because when I slip into subspace, I am no longer coherent enough to use my safeword or hand signals. He always knows when to stop and then gives me aftercare. The problem is that since it's summer and I'm wearing more revealing clothes, we have to be more careful when around other people because they might mistake my bruising for abuse, which it is NOT! My mom and sister came by unannounced the other day and I had only a sports bra on. They walked in because the door was unlocked and saw my back after we had scened in a pretty intense session the night before. They freaked out and are threatening to call every government authority and have him arrested. It is none of their business how I choose to live my life! What can I do to reassure them that I ask for the beatings but also to get them to leave our lifestyle in peace?"This is a very emotional and opinionated topic. Intense S&M sessions are actually against the law in many states in the USA. I don't know what country you are from, but if not American, I suggest you check with your local law enforcement about the law there. But, in the meantime, you and your partner have to sit down with the adults in your family and explain to them the entire BDSM lifestyle in basics terms to try to help them understand it better. They may still not understand or want to listen, but it us up to you and your Prince to answer every question they have. Tell them about the emotional and mental connection you have with him through the BDSM dynamic. Try to explain why you need and want the beatings. Use clinical terms and non violent provoking language when explaining it. Make sure you explain the SSC and RACK with emphasis on the consensual parts. If you two have a contract, print them a copy of it and go through it with them. I know it is getting way too personal and you are adults, but seriously, your family might bring the law into it and your partner could be charged with aggravated assault or something worse depending on the evidence. In order to keep them from going to the police, you have to endure opening your personal lives up to them to try to explain the lifestyle and your own choices. This is the only thing I can think of that may help the situation. If you have a local BDSM club in the area, I suggest you go to them for better and more pertinent advice concerning situations like this where you live.
Question #3) "We have been in a BDSM D/s relationship for over 9 years. When it first started, my Domme was very tight and always consistent with her duties as my dominant. She used guidance, correction, and punishment when needed. Over the years, she has become much more slack and our relationship has been in a big rut lately. She expects me to always be in a submissive mode to her but she doesn't give me the dominance I need and expect in return. I get confused because it seems like she wants me to live a D/s lifestyle with her but she wants to live an almost vanilla one with me. We have talked and she doesn't see my side. What can I do to get her to understand I need her to be like she was 9 years ago as far as her control over me?"If talking hasn't helped her understand your point of view, I suggest writing two letters. First, sit and remember what you felt like when you first became an D/s couple. Remember the feelings, the tasks, guidance, and punishments. Write in explicit detail how each of those made you feel. Tell her from your most submissive point of view the way you saw her as the Domme and the way she made you feel.
In the second letter, think about all that you see and feel now. Write this down too. Tell her how you see her behavior towards you and allow her to see herself through your eyes. Don't make it harsh and mean. This is not about a revenge letter or something to try to hurt her feelings. It is only about trying to help her understand how you saw her first and how you see her now. Once she has time to read and process both letters, ask her how she feels about them. You may need to give her a few days to come to terms about what you have written. I imagine the second letter will make her angry, hurt, and maybe slightly depressed.
When the two of you are ready to sit down and talk face to face about your future and where to take the relationship next, tell her what you would like to see and really listen to her views also. Don't get stuck on how your relationship used to be because you have to remember people change over time, relationships evolve, life situations changes. You have to take all of that into consideration when you have your talk with her.
I hope this week's post helped you figure out a solution to a similar problem or to broaden your own knowledge about the BDSM Lifestyle.
If you have any advice to add or comments, please leave them below. We always love to hear from our readers no matter if your opinion agrees or disagrees with our own.
If you have a question you would like us to answer, please email bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Post title: " BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday on 14 July 2015 "
About The Author
Post title: " BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday on 14 July 2015 "
Posted by Michelle Fegatofi at 7/14/2015 11:15:00 PM July 14, 2015
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