Although we don't talk much about it, Humiliation in the BDSM world is a normal and widely used tool Dominants use as psychological play with their submissives, although it is a powerful but often misunderstood aspect the BDSM Lifestyle.
Humiliation is defined as a consensual psychological act in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal. This can be for the person being humiliated and demeaned or for the person humiliating, or for some spectator. Because different people have different emotional triggers, the range of activities involved in humiliation play is huge, and what one person finds embarrassing another person might not react at all to.
Humiliation can be used as a training tool, punishment or in a playful way, depending on how the dominant decides to utilize it. The first rule of humiliation should be the cooperation of the submissive. Just as every Dominant is not the same, neither are submissives. Make sure that humiliation play/punishment/training is not on the submissive's Hard Limit's List.
Humiliation can be in the forms of verbal, mental, or physical. At its core erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate.
Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy.
Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation.
Extreme humiliation is called degradation. It can involve a wide range of activities, such as human toilet play. The boundary between degradation and humiliation is unclear. It has been suggested that degradation can have a more long-lasting negative affect on a victim’s mind than humiliation, and so it is often beyond people’s limits of what is acceptable.
To a large extent, what is humiliating or degrading is quite individual and varies a lot from person to person. Animal play is seen by some as degrading, but people into pup play would totally disagree. The same goes for age play, exhibitionism, crossdressing, servitude and pretty much everything else on the list. One person’s “humiliating” is not necessarily another’s.
Humiliation play can be taken to a point where it becomes emotionally or psychologically distressing to one or the other partner, especially if it is public humiliation. Erotic humiliation can become extreme enough to be considered a form of edgeplay.
It’s important to understand that erotic humiliation and degradation is based firmly on consent. If there is no consent then it is abusive. This doesn’t have to be consent given in that exact moment, it could be an agreement between partners of Consensual Non-Consent. But it HAS to be there.
Whatever your thoughts on Humiliation, just ensure there is total consent and understanding from your partner before embarking on this as a form of play, punishment, or training.
If you have any thoughts or comments you would like to share on the subject, leave them below.
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It's been brought to my attention that Emily Winters is attacking me and writing lies about me because of my GoFundMe account where I have asked for help in acquiring a divorce (gofund.me/HelpFundMyDivorce). We were once very good friends and we trusted each other with what was happening with our personal lives. She made the decision to end our friendship right after I came to Italy because she didn't like the advice I gave her after she asked me my opinion. If you have read my blogs or ever had a conversation with me, you know I say exactly what I think and do not sugar coat it. I will also not stoop to her level by revealing her true name or those of her children as she revealed the name of my children in her fabricated post about me.
First I will address Emily's blatant lies and twisted truths that she posted on her page:
1. She said I 'procured' a flight to Italy. Padrone Marco flew to California himself for the sole purpose of flying me back to Italy to live with him because we were in love. The choice was mine. He knew the complete situation.
2. I did bring my dog but not my kids. Why? The law prohibited it. I could not have gotten a lawyer to grant me the permission because I had no job and no access to money because my husband would not allow me to have access to any cash and kept very low to $0 amounts of money in the bank account. If I could have brought my kids with me I would have. No doubts about it.
3. I have never had any troubles with the IRS. Wilton filed his paperwork separately. I had not worked since 2004 so never had a W-2 nor 1099, hence no need to file. His problems with the IRS have been resolved as far as I know, but again, he made the problems and he fixed it.
4. The only financial item that I was a co-signer for was on a house that the ex now lives in with the two boys on a part time basis when not living with his current female companion in her condo.
5. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for most of our marriage. I never said he physically abused me. He did threaten me many times in many different ways and towards the end he became increasingly unstable around me when the boys were not at home. He was good with our boys. He always had problems with the way he treats women. Emily thinks she knows about my entire life but she doesn't. I didn't tell anyone about my forced abortions until many years later. If you want proof of his behaviour, I had a woman (whose identity will remain a secret) email me out of the blue about him attempting to kidnap her from her own apartment. If you want to see the email I will gladly show you.
6. As far as me being 'stuck' in Italy, that is an outright lie. I have my passport and am free to come and go as I please. No problems. Why will I not leave and go back to the USA to try to fight for a divorce? First, I would have to try to find a job, apartment, and everything else just to stay there. Second, he would contest it and fight me for daring to file first if I were there. Third, I simply don't want to leave Padrone for that many months and probably years it would take to file and obtain a divorce.
7. There are several types of visas you can get in Italy to stay here legally. How does Emily know if I have a student visa or not? Or, since I publish books, how does she know if I have been granted a limited work visa because of my writing? No, I can't get a regular job in Italy because of my current status. She doesn't know what my status is. In Italy, as with most of the Schengen countries, there are multiple ways to obtain a visa to stay in a country, but those visas do not give you the same rights as being married to a citizen. And yes, I want to and will eventually marry Padrone, not because of any legal situation, but because we love each other. Being married will protect me if something happens to him financially and legally. He wants me to be as safe as possible, as any good Master would. He has allowed me access to all of his accounts so I am ok there. But, if I want to open one of my own that isn't possible.
8. As far as my experience in the Lifestyle, I have always stated (read through my blogs as proof) that I have been in and around the lifestyle for over 20 years. I started at the age of 18 when I had moved to Kansas and had a teacher that was a good friend who was also in the Air Force. My ex never was into the D/s of the lifestyle so I sought out the internet and lived, mentored and gained more knowledge that way. Does online count? That is up to you to decide. My advice, views and knowledge are the same and do not change. I count all of those years because yes, I started at a very early age.
9. Did I delete her comment from my Go Fund me page? Of course I did. Why would I leave false hurtful statements from someone that hates me for no reason and is a very bitter person? And yes, I blocked her from my accounts because I don't want to put up with her drama. I don't do drama. The stress of crap like this is a seizure trigger for my epilepsy so I avoid it at all costs. I'm only responding to her this time because she is a public figure and this is the second time she is trying to ruin my reputation.
Now I have addressed all of her falsehoods and outright lies, I urge you to go and read the two blog posts about my life leading up to my leaving my ex. I recommend you read them first then continue to read this post.
Blog post 1: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-1.html
Blog post 2: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-2.html
I will now address what happened after the last blog post ended. I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.
After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.
I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.
He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.
My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.
He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.
The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.
I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out.
Now I have explained the entire situation to you, addressed Emily's twisted truths and outright lies, it is for you to judge for yourself how you feel about me and my work in the BDSM community. Please help spread the word of this blog post by sharing it so that your friends and others may see the truth as it really is and not told through from the bitter lips of someone that didn't know everything about my real life and completely twisted the truth about the parts she knew.
If Emily reads this, Padrone says "hello".
Michelle Fegatofi
First I will address Emily's blatant lies and twisted truths that she posted on her page:
1. She said I 'procured' a flight to Italy. Padrone Marco flew to California himself for the sole purpose of flying me back to Italy to live with him because we were in love. The choice was mine. He knew the complete situation.
2. I did bring my dog but not my kids. Why? The law prohibited it. I could not have gotten a lawyer to grant me the permission because I had no job and no access to money because my husband would not allow me to have access to any cash and kept very low to $0 amounts of money in the bank account. If I could have brought my kids with me I would have. No doubts about it.
3. I have never had any troubles with the IRS. Wilton filed his paperwork separately. I had not worked since 2004 so never had a W-2 nor 1099, hence no need to file. His problems with the IRS have been resolved as far as I know, but again, he made the problems and he fixed it.
4. The only financial item that I was a co-signer for was on a house that the ex now lives in with the two boys on a part time basis when not living with his current female companion in her condo.
5. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for most of our marriage. I never said he physically abused me. He did threaten me many times in many different ways and towards the end he became increasingly unstable around me when the boys were not at home. He was good with our boys. He always had problems with the way he treats women. Emily thinks she knows about my entire life but she doesn't. I didn't tell anyone about my forced abortions until many years later. If you want proof of his behaviour, I had a woman (whose identity will remain a secret) email me out of the blue about him attempting to kidnap her from her own apartment. If you want to see the email I will gladly show you.
6. As far as me being 'stuck' in Italy, that is an outright lie. I have my passport and am free to come and go as I please. No problems. Why will I not leave and go back to the USA to try to fight for a divorce? First, I would have to try to find a job, apartment, and everything else just to stay there. Second, he would contest it and fight me for daring to file first if I were there. Third, I simply don't want to leave Padrone for that many months and probably years it would take to file and obtain a divorce.
7. There are several types of visas you can get in Italy to stay here legally. How does Emily know if I have a student visa or not? Or, since I publish books, how does she know if I have been granted a limited work visa because of my writing? No, I can't get a regular job in Italy because of my current status. She doesn't know what my status is. In Italy, as with most of the Schengen countries, there are multiple ways to obtain a visa to stay in a country, but those visas do not give you the same rights as being married to a citizen. And yes, I want to and will eventually marry Padrone, not because of any legal situation, but because we love each other. Being married will protect me if something happens to him financially and legally. He wants me to be as safe as possible, as any good Master would. He has allowed me access to all of his accounts so I am ok there. But, if I want to open one of my own that isn't possible.
8. As far as my experience in the Lifestyle, I have always stated (read through my blogs as proof) that I have been in and around the lifestyle for over 20 years. I started at the age of 18 when I had moved to Kansas and had a teacher that was a good friend who was also in the Air Force. My ex never was into the D/s of the lifestyle so I sought out the internet and lived, mentored and gained more knowledge that way. Does online count? That is up to you to decide. My advice, views and knowledge are the same and do not change. I count all of those years because yes, I started at a very early age.
9. Did I delete her comment from my Go Fund me page? Of course I did. Why would I leave false hurtful statements from someone that hates me for no reason and is a very bitter person? And yes, I blocked her from my accounts because I don't want to put up with her drama. I don't do drama. The stress of crap like this is a seizure trigger for my epilepsy so I avoid it at all costs. I'm only responding to her this time because she is a public figure and this is the second time she is trying to ruin my reputation.
Now I have addressed all of her falsehoods and outright lies, I urge you to go and read the two blog posts about my life leading up to my leaving my ex. I recommend you read them first then continue to read this post.
Blog post 1: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-1.html
Blog post 2: bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-real-bdsm-fairy-tail-come-true-part-2.html
I will now address what happened after the last blog post ended. I had to plan very carefully how to escape from my husband. On the day of Padrone's arrival, I made arrangements to leave my boys with a friend of mine. My ex had an appointment that was a 2 hour drive away from the house so I had a very tight time schedule to work with.
After he left, I dropped my boys off and hugged them and kissed them and told them that I love them very much. I then rushed back home and packed my clothes, shoes, personal items and left. I didn't have time to do anything else for fear he would come back and stop me. After he had virtually held me prisoner for those 3 days, I was not taking any chances. I was heart broken at having to leave my kids and extremely scared that I would get caught leaving.
I took the battery out of my phone so he could not track me. I picked up Padrone from the airport and we checked into a hotel. We were safe for 3 days until he tracked us down. He called the police and told them that I was being held against my will. They came and verified that I wasn't. During the two weeks we stayed in CA before boarding the plane to come to Italy, he did many things to us trying to stop me from getting on that plane.
He called my epilepsy doctor and asked her to declare me mentally unstable. She refused because she said I have seizures, but am not crazy. She also threatened to file a police report on him if he called her office again. He had the cops come by the hotel every night with a different complaint until they just stopped responding.
My original passport had expired so I needed a new one. I applied for one and had it expressed to our hotel room. He somehow found out and had a woman call and impersonate me and get the address changed to be rerouted our house, knowing that I would not be able to pick it up if it was delivered there. I literally just happened to call to get a status update and they told me about it. I had to cancel that one and we drove to LA to get one printed and made at the office down there.
He got the GPS turned back on in my truck and found out we were at the vet's office for an appointment. He stormed in and tried to physically remove me from there. When I wouldn't move, he tried to pick a fight with Padrone. Padrone calmly stated he wouldn't fight and asked the vet to call the cops. He left before they arrived.
The night before our flight to Italy, I logged in to the computer to check-in online and found out that our tickets were cancelled. Padrone called the airlines and they told him that Padrone Marco had called earlier and cancelled the non-refundable tickets! My ex had somehow managed to convince them that he was Padrone and that he wanted to cancel the tickets. That was his last ditch effort to keep me in the country. Padrone ended up searching and searching for a one way flight back to Italy because he had to be back at work the day after we landed. He ended up having to spend $3000 for two one-way tickets back to Italy.
I have to tell you that the stress was enormous and we didn't feel any relief until we were on that plane on our way to Italy. While I do not regret leaving him, I do regret that I left my kids the way I did. I wish I had had time to prepare them, time to fight for them in court, something. But, I was at my breaking point mentally. I couldn't stay there any longer. I had asked him for a divorce several times and he told me he would never let me go. I had tried unsuccessfully to get a job for 2 years when the market was at it's worst (2010 & 2011). I had asked my family for help before making the decision to leave with Padrone but again, they all told me it would work itself out.
Now I have explained the entire situation to you, addressed Emily's twisted truths and outright lies, it is for you to judge for yourself how you feel about me and my work in the BDSM community. Please help spread the word of this blog post by sharing it so that your friends and others may see the truth as it really is and not told through from the bitter lips of someone that didn't know everything about my real life and completely twisted the truth about the parts she knew.
If Emily reads this, Padrone says "hello".
Michelle Fegatofi
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Introducing the newest book from Michelle Fegatofi: The BDSM Contract Book!
What is a BDSM Contract and why should I sign one? The process of drafting a Contract between all parties is a strong tool that should be utilized as one of the foundations when starting a new BDSM relationship of any kind. It is very important to ensure that everyone involved has a complete understanding, from the beginning, of all the principles according to which their relationship and their power exchange will be based on, discussing Expectations, Soft and Hard Limits, Rules, Protocols, Rituals, Punishments. All of them should be negotiated, included and agreed in your own personal Contract. This book has been written with the purpose to help understand going through every one of them and it explains in detail, with extensive examples, how the different Contracts can be written, completed, accepted and signed, depending on the various kind of BDSM relationship (Dominant-Domme/submissive, Master-Mistress/slave, Switch Couple, Scene, Online).
Available in paperback and ebook formats at lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi and coming soon to all major book retailers!
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Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! This week, I address the topics: "Annoying Littles", "Pushy Doms", and "Life balance".
Question #1) "I am a submissive that has been in the lifestyle and active in the community for a long time. In the last 5 years, I have seen a spike in 'littles' online. I understand that there is a dynamic for this and I get the coloring and stuffed animals. What annoys me is when you are reading and a grown person always writes like they are a 3 year old! Is there any way to express to them that they should type or 'speak' in a normal way versus sounding so annoying to everyone by using Me wanna instead of I want? Any advice would be welcomed!"
This is a very touchy subject so I will try to be as PC as possible. There are several types of Littles. Not all of them speak or type like they are a toddler. Those that do always use "little speak" whenever they are online. In my opinion, if you don't like this, then don't engage them in conversation. If you are scrolling through pages or groups and see comments written in that manner, just ignore it and continue on. I will admit that it is somewhat annoying to me also when I read comments in "little speak" but I try not to judge and just continue on with my own little world. We all have an option to engage people or not online and to participate or not in groups that contain Littles. So, if they really bother you that much, I suggest you not participate in groups where they tend to congregate or type in that manner.
Question #2) "I am friends with a submissive that has a dominant. I have never expressed any interest in being with him in any sort of way but he always tries to be dominant to me anytime I am in the presence of the two of them. I have told him that he's not my dom and that I am not a submissive. His sub, my friend, doesn't know how to handle the situation and tells me 'it's just how he is'. Any advice on how to retain my friendship while putting the pushy dom in his place?"
First you have to put the dom in his place. Since you are not a sub and not involved with him, you are under no obligation to act civil with him especially if he continuously attacks you in that manner. A real Dom would never bully anyone into giving them respect or submission. To me, he's ab abusive bully and not a dominant. As far as retaining your friendship, I think you should tell the sub exactly how you see her partner and suggest she reevaluate her own relationship with him. It will have to be up to her to break that connection if she chooses to continue to be your friend.
Question #3) "How do I balance being a submissive all the time and staying true to my dominant as his sub while I am at work?"
This is a very broad question. I suggest establishing specific rules to follow for when you are at work and different ones for when you are at home. When making the rules for work, ensure that they can be followed without interfering with your job. They also might need to be flexible somewhat depending on your schedule and job type. If possible, wear some piece of jewellery that reminds you of your status as your Dominant's submissive. It will help you focus when you need it, but could also act as a calming influence from the stressors of daily work life.
I picked these three questions because they were so different from the ones I usually get. Keep the awesome questions coming and I hope you learned something new with this week's post. Make sure to come back every Tuesday for more informative Q&A!
Send your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com (or use the Contact Form) and even if they are not featured here on the Talk Tuesday blog, I will reply as soon as possible.
Question #1) "I am a submissive that has been in the lifestyle and active in the community for a long time. In the last 5 years, I have seen a spike in 'littles' online. I understand that there is a dynamic for this and I get the coloring and stuffed animals. What annoys me is when you are reading and a grown person always writes like they are a 3 year old! Is there any way to express to them that they should type or 'speak' in a normal way versus sounding so annoying to everyone by using Me wanna instead of I want? Any advice would be welcomed!"
This is a very touchy subject so I will try to be as PC as possible. There are several types of Littles. Not all of them speak or type like they are a toddler. Those that do always use "little speak" whenever they are online. In my opinion, if you don't like this, then don't engage them in conversation. If you are scrolling through pages or groups and see comments written in that manner, just ignore it and continue on. I will admit that it is somewhat annoying to me also when I read comments in "little speak" but I try not to judge and just continue on with my own little world. We all have an option to engage people or not online and to participate or not in groups that contain Littles. So, if they really bother you that much, I suggest you not participate in groups where they tend to congregate or type in that manner.
Question #2) "I am friends with a submissive that has a dominant. I have never expressed any interest in being with him in any sort of way but he always tries to be dominant to me anytime I am in the presence of the two of them. I have told him that he's not my dom and that I am not a submissive. His sub, my friend, doesn't know how to handle the situation and tells me 'it's just how he is'. Any advice on how to retain my friendship while putting the pushy dom in his place?"
First you have to put the dom in his place. Since you are not a sub and not involved with him, you are under no obligation to act civil with him especially if he continuously attacks you in that manner. A real Dom would never bully anyone into giving them respect or submission. To me, he's ab abusive bully and not a dominant. As far as retaining your friendship, I think you should tell the sub exactly how you see her partner and suggest she reevaluate her own relationship with him. It will have to be up to her to break that connection if she chooses to continue to be your friend.
Question #3) "How do I balance being a submissive all the time and staying true to my dominant as his sub while I am at work?"
This is a very broad question. I suggest establishing specific rules to follow for when you are at work and different ones for when you are at home. When making the rules for work, ensure that they can be followed without interfering with your job. They also might need to be flexible somewhat depending on your schedule and job type. If possible, wear some piece of jewellery that reminds you of your status as your Dominant's submissive. It will help you focus when you need it, but could also act as a calming influence from the stressors of daily work life.
I picked these three questions because they were so different from the ones I usually get. Keep the awesome questions coming and I hope you learned something new with this week's post. Make sure to come back every Tuesday for more informative Q&A!
Send your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com (or use the Contact Form) and even if they are not featured here on the Talk Tuesday blog, I will reply as soon as possible.
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This week, I have received a large number of great questions. I have chosen "Invisible Dominant", "Masochist with Nosey Family", and "Vanilla Domme". Read on to see if any of these problems mirror any of your own current situations.
Question #1) "I have been in contact with a Dominant online for many months. I send him naked pics and do everything he asks, but he refuses to send me a pic of his face, his voice, or anything. I have no idea what he looks like, where he works, if he has a family, nothing. The only contact I have with him is through messenger. But I seem to be emotionally connected to him in a way I don't fully understand myself. It's like I'm addicted to him. "He" could be a "She" for all I know.
How do I break myself away from him and keep myself from recontacting him if he won't give me anything of himself?"
First of all, I would never have gotten involved or emotionally attached with someone that would not give me any type of information about their real identity, life, or philosophies. You say you feel addicted to him and can't break away from him yourself. I think you love the attention you get from him as well as the humiliation of him not giving you any information as to his true identity. You may not have known or admit it to yourself that you are a masochist that enjoys certain types of humiliation. If you truly want to break off the relationship, I suggest you block him completely from communicating with you online and through your phone. I also suggest you take it a step further and change your online identities so he can't find you even if he wanted to. As far as replacing the attention that he has been giving you, I suggest staying on your own without being in any type of relationship for a few months until you can reevaluate what your own wants and needs are. You should do some deep soul searching, read more and learn more about the BDSM community as a whole and find out the parts you like and the ones you don't. During this learning journey, you will probably find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Most of all though, take care of your emotions and your own self. This person has snagged you hook, line and sinker. It's time for you to take that control back for your own emotional and mental sake.
Question #2) "I am an extreme masochist. My Prince loves to flog/whip me until I am black and blue and sometimes have welts on my back, shoulders, butt, and thighs. I want and need these sessions. He is always careful to gauge my reactions because when I slip into subspace, I am no longer coherent enough to use my safeword or hand signals. He always knows when to stop and then gives me aftercare. The problem is that since it's summer and I'm wearing more revealing clothes, we have to be more careful when around other people because they might mistake my bruising for abuse, which it is NOT! My mom and sister came by unannounced the other day and I had only a sports bra on. They walked in because the door was unlocked and saw my back after we had scened in a pretty intense session the night before. They freaked out and are threatening to call every government authority and have him arrested. It is none of their business how I choose to live my life! What can I do to reassure them that I ask for the beatings but also to get them to leave our lifestyle in peace?"
This is a very emotional and opinionated topic. Intense S&M sessions are actually against the law in many states in the USA. I don't know what country you are from, but if not American, I suggest you check with your local law enforcement about the law there. But, in the meantime, you and your partner have to sit down with the adults in your family and explain to them the entire BDSM lifestyle in basics terms to try to help them understand it better. They may still not understand or want to listen, but it us up to you and your Prince to answer every question they have. Tell them about the emotional and mental connection you have with him through the BDSM dynamic. Try to explain why you need and want the beatings. Use clinical terms and non violent provoking language when explaining it. Make sure you explain the SSC and RACK with emphasis on the consensual parts. If you two have a contract, print them a copy of it and go through it with them. I know it is getting way too personal and you are adults, but seriously, your family might bring the law into it and your partner could be charged with aggravated assault or something worse depending on the evidence. In order to keep them from going to the police, you have to endure opening your personal lives up to them to try to explain the lifestyle and your own choices. This is the only thing I can think of that may help the situation. If you have a local BDSM club in the area, I suggest you go to them for better and more pertinent advice concerning situations like this where you live.
Question #3) "We have been in a BDSM D/s relationship for over 9 years. When it first started, my Domme was very tight and always consistent with her duties as my dominant. She used guidance, correction, and punishment when needed. Over the years, she has become much more slack and our relationship has been in a big rut lately. She expects me to always be in a submissive mode to her but she doesn't give me the dominance I need and expect in return. I get confused because it seems like she wants me to live a D/s lifestyle with her but she wants to live an almost vanilla one with me. We have talked and she doesn't see my side. What can I do to get her to understand I need her to be like she was 9 years ago as far as her control over me?"
If talking hasn't helped her understand your point of view, I suggest writing two letters. First, sit and remember what you felt like when you first became an D/s couple. Remember the feelings, the tasks, guidance, and punishments. Write in explicit detail how each of those made you feel. Tell her from your most submissive point of view the way you saw her as the Domme and the way she made you feel.
In the second letter, think about all that you see and feel now. Write this down too. Tell her how you see her behavior towards you and allow her to see herself through your eyes. Don't make it harsh and mean. This is not about a revenge letter or something to try to hurt her feelings. It is only about trying to help her understand how you saw her first and how you see her now. Once she has time to read and process both letters, ask her how she feels about them. You may need to give her a few days to come to terms about what you have written. I imagine the second letter will make her angry, hurt, and maybe slightly depressed.
When the two of you are ready to sit down and talk face to face about your future and where to take the relationship next, tell her what you would like to see and really listen to her views also. Don't get stuck on how your relationship used to be because you have to remember people change over time, relationships evolve, life situations changes. You have to take all of that into consideration when you have your talk with her.
I hope this week's post helped you figure out a solution to a similar problem or to broaden your own knowledge about the BDSM Lifestyle.
If you have any advice to add or comments, please leave them below. We always love to hear from our readers no matter if your opinion agrees or disagrees with our own.
If you have a question you would like us to answer, please email bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "I have been in contact with a Dominant online for many months. I send him naked pics and do everything he asks, but he refuses to send me a pic of his face, his voice, or anything. I have no idea what he looks like, where he works, if he has a family, nothing. The only contact I have with him is through messenger. But I seem to be emotionally connected to him in a way I don't fully understand myself. It's like I'm addicted to him. "He" could be a "She" for all I know. How do I break myself away from him and keep myself from recontacting him if he won't give me anything of himself?"
First of all, I would never have gotten involved or emotionally attached with someone that would not give me any type of information about their real identity, life, or philosophies. You say you feel addicted to him and can't break away from him yourself. I think you love the attention you get from him as well as the humiliation of him not giving you any information as to his true identity. You may not have known or admit it to yourself that you are a masochist that enjoys certain types of humiliation. If you truly want to break off the relationship, I suggest you block him completely from communicating with you online and through your phone. I also suggest you take it a step further and change your online identities so he can't find you even if he wanted to. As far as replacing the attention that he has been giving you, I suggest staying on your own without being in any type of relationship for a few months until you can reevaluate what your own wants and needs are. You should do some deep soul searching, read more and learn more about the BDSM community as a whole and find out the parts you like and the ones you don't. During this learning journey, you will probably find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Most of all though, take care of your emotions and your own self. This person has snagged you hook, line and sinker. It's time for you to take that control back for your own emotional and mental sake.
Question #2) "I am an extreme masochist. My Prince loves to flog/whip me until I am black and blue and sometimes have welts on my back, shoulders, butt, and thighs. I want and need these sessions. He is always careful to gauge my reactions because when I slip into subspace, I am no longer coherent enough to use my safeword or hand signals. He always knows when to stop and then gives me aftercare. The problem is that since it's summer and I'm wearing more revealing clothes, we have to be more careful when around other people because they might mistake my bruising for abuse, which it is NOT! My mom and sister came by unannounced the other day and I had only a sports bra on. They walked in because the door was unlocked and saw my back after we had scened in a pretty intense session the night before. They freaked out and are threatening to call every government authority and have him arrested. It is none of their business how I choose to live my life! What can I do to reassure them that I ask for the beatings but also to get them to leave our lifestyle in peace?"This is a very emotional and opinionated topic. Intense S&M sessions are actually against the law in many states in the USA. I don't know what country you are from, but if not American, I suggest you check with your local law enforcement about the law there. But, in the meantime, you and your partner have to sit down with the adults in your family and explain to them the entire BDSM lifestyle in basics terms to try to help them understand it better. They may still not understand or want to listen, but it us up to you and your Prince to answer every question they have. Tell them about the emotional and mental connection you have with him through the BDSM dynamic. Try to explain why you need and want the beatings. Use clinical terms and non violent provoking language when explaining it. Make sure you explain the SSC and RACK with emphasis on the consensual parts. If you two have a contract, print them a copy of it and go through it with them. I know it is getting way too personal and you are adults, but seriously, your family might bring the law into it and your partner could be charged with aggravated assault or something worse depending on the evidence. In order to keep them from going to the police, you have to endure opening your personal lives up to them to try to explain the lifestyle and your own choices. This is the only thing I can think of that may help the situation. If you have a local BDSM club in the area, I suggest you go to them for better and more pertinent advice concerning situations like this where you live.
Question #3) "We have been in a BDSM D/s relationship for over 9 years. When it first started, my Domme was very tight and always consistent with her duties as my dominant. She used guidance, correction, and punishment when needed. Over the years, she has become much more slack and our relationship has been in a big rut lately. She expects me to always be in a submissive mode to her but she doesn't give me the dominance I need and expect in return. I get confused because it seems like she wants me to live a D/s lifestyle with her but she wants to live an almost vanilla one with me. We have talked and she doesn't see my side. What can I do to get her to understand I need her to be like she was 9 years ago as far as her control over me?"If talking hasn't helped her understand your point of view, I suggest writing two letters. First, sit and remember what you felt like when you first became an D/s couple. Remember the feelings, the tasks, guidance, and punishments. Write in explicit detail how each of those made you feel. Tell her from your most submissive point of view the way you saw her as the Domme and the way she made you feel.
In the second letter, think about all that you see and feel now. Write this down too. Tell her how you see her behavior towards you and allow her to see herself through your eyes. Don't make it harsh and mean. This is not about a revenge letter or something to try to hurt her feelings. It is only about trying to help her understand how you saw her first and how you see her now. Once she has time to read and process both letters, ask her how she feels about them. You may need to give her a few days to come to terms about what you have written. I imagine the second letter will make her angry, hurt, and maybe slightly depressed.
When the two of you are ready to sit down and talk face to face about your future and where to take the relationship next, tell her what you would like to see and really listen to her views also. Don't get stuck on how your relationship used to be because you have to remember people change over time, relationships evolve, life situations changes. You have to take all of that into consideration when you have your talk with her.
I hope this week's post helped you figure out a solution to a similar problem or to broaden your own knowledge about the BDSM Lifestyle.
If you have any advice to add or comments, please leave them below. We always love to hear from our readers no matter if your opinion agrees or disagrees with our own.
If you have a question you would like us to answer, please email bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
Welcome to this week's installment of Talk Tuesday! We received many emails this week and I have answered them all. These two below are very interesting and different from others I've answered in the past here. Hopefully these will help you if you are struggling with some of the same issues.
Question #1) "So my mistress and I have been in a contract since the 1st. Again thank you so much for the help with the contract limits worksheet. Anyway so since the contract I've been trying to get my mistress to make me do more like regular expectations such as a daily journal and doing the little things to show her dominance. But she wont. I'm scared that she is putting on 50% and I'm giving it my all and I'm afraid I'm gonna push her away. So my question for you would be am i doing the right thing or am i blowing this out of proportion?"
I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including rules, protocols, rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave? These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person). Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.
Question #2) "I am fairly a newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I responded with no Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him. We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my training. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness. I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a sub."
To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a real dominant, more like a fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.
The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.
Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.
Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.
Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).
But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.
I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Remember to stop the blog every day for great reads, posts and updates at www.bdsmunveiled.com! Leave us a comment!
 |
| Lazy Dominant or Unrealistic Expectations? |
I'm very happy you found the Limits Worksheet so helpful. In a contract, most couples put all expectations in it including rules, protocols, rituals, daily tasks, punishments, expected behaviour, grooming, and Limits. Others put the actual times and days that the sub will be in sub/slave mode and outside these set times, they will be free to do or act as they please. Did you and your Domme put these in the contract? If not, why? What type of D/s relationship did you discuss? There are so many variations that none are even close to being the same. Do you have a scene only D/s relationship where you submit to her will only during a scene or did she agree to dominate you outside the scenes? Is it more of a sexual or service contract? Or is it a contract that contains both? What are her reasons for not giving what you ask for? Have you asked to amend the actual contract? Does she have more than one sub/slave? These are the questions you have to ask before you can answer that one question. There are many dominants that get into a relationship then quickly loose interest or just turn out lazy. That could be the case with her or she could actually have other outside influences (work, friends, family, responsibilities) that are taking her time and attention off of you. I suggest you write down all of the above questions, sit and think very deeply and write down whatever other questions come to your mind. Once you have all of these questions, set up a time to sit down and talk to her face to face (be it online video chat or in person). Either way, you will not have a definitive answer until you ask the questions. Or maybe, this just isn't the right relationship for you. It could be that you two have very different expectations and hopes for a BDSM relationship. Remember, open/real communication on everything, - the good, the bad, and the difficult topics - is the best course of action always.
 |
| Am I a submissive? |
Question #2) "I am fairly a newbie. I was introduced to this lifestyle about a two years ago and have had two relationships for say. The first was strictly an online better said my lack of knowledge lead me to believe i was in a master/slave relationship. I meet this person online we hit it off pretty good we talked everyday. After about a month of texting he asked to see what i was wearing. I sent him a video of me getting ready. He asked if I wanted to be trained to be a slave, i agreed then I was told he would send me the rules, task and contract to review later. i agreed and we started. my task were to ask permission to go out. To send video of my selection of clothing every time i changed and greet him good morning and good night. I did just that but every week he would answer me less and weekends he would not answer at all. i asked for the contract several times and I was told that I was not ready because at times i would forget to address him as Master. 1 day i was reading an article on submission and it mentioned how one should not send naked pictures to anyone without meeting them first. I mentioned it to him and said to late now. He became mad and asked "so slave your saying you were to disobey me, is that what you're say". I responded with no Master. I received my first punishment after that he did not text me for 5 days. He stated he had an emergency and was not able to text. We continued i requested several times to meet and once again I was told that when he see fit we would meet. Then again he disappeared for five days. I sent him a letter reminding of what i was looking for and obviously he was not able to fulfill that so I was no longer gonna contact him. A couple of months later i meet Sir he wanted to meet me. We meet at Dennys for coffee a month later after texting. He let me know what he expected from his subs and i gave him a little more insight of myself. About 3 weeks later he asked if I want to try out some of his toys to see what i thought. He was my first bdsm play experience. Three days later i notice he was in a committed relationship. I was shocked, i asked him about it and he said his live in sub knew about me and he did not hide anything it was on his profile and i did not ask about it. At beginning of January entered into training with him. We had a good dynamic. We had up and downs because i would forget to let him know when i arrived and left places I would also forget to journal. Then i was given anal plug training as a task. I was told I would receive a stone after my training. After my training he stated that we were gonna meet so he can fuck my ass. I told him i couldn't go cuz i was on my period. He accepted my excuse. But I was actually afraid. Then i just could not do things the same, he threaten to cut me off twice. 1 night i realized what my issue was, it was that I had lied to Sír. I confessed and things sort of went back to same so i thought. My uncle was hospitalized and Sir stated that I was not totally devote so he was gonna give two weeks to analyze what it was i wanted. It felt like a break up when the two weeks were up i requested an additional 2 weeks. I was sexually involved with someone else since i was told to act as i was free. When time was up i was assigned to write an alligence, i did and meant every word. I was just not able to feel that total trust i had. We played one day and beside his long nails hurting me i was disgusted because both his toe Nails and hand nails were long. I mentioned that next time I would give him a pedi mani. After that session i just did not feel the same, i was going through the motion but not feeling it. One day i redceived a call and we had a discussion. Do to me not doing things on time. I felt i disrespected Sir and deserve punishment. Sir requested i meet him. I was punished but for being late not for disrespecting him. I had thought the previous lecture had covered my tardiness. I was paddled with pants down against the car. A car drove by and i lifted my head. i realized that my trust toward Sir was not as strong as should be. He continue his paddle i felt like cussing him out and punching him back, but I didn't. After my punishment he just let me go did not ask no questions or anything. Just reminded that I was being trained to serve Sír. him and others sexually, I'm not feeling that. I felt so bad I text Sir when i got home and wrote good bye instead of good night. I did not answer Sir calls for a while, 5 days to be exact. Then we started again given assignment to come up with 15 punishments by Friday only found 9 because most are for live in sub. Sir was out of town so he asked that I email him. Email not working. Received phone call on Sunday at 2 a.m. was asleep Sir asked what was up with me i told him i did not know. Then i told him i was no longer feeling this, he stated he did not want to waste his time on someone that was not feeling it. So this morning I sent him a relinquishing request. Am I not fit to be a sub."
To me, it sounds like the first experience was not a real dominant, more like a fake or wanna-be dom. In online relationships, there are so many fakes and posers that it can be hard to tell the real ones from the fakes, especially if you don't have any real experience in the Lifestyle. He may have been just a perv wanting to get naked pics from unsuspecting women that didn't know any better.
The second one sounds like he was more of a sadist than a real Dominant. There are dominants that give out harsh punishments for every infraction, but he went overboard. When your trust in him left, you should have stopped and went back to square one with him if you wanted to remain in that relationship. There has to be complete trust with your dominant before you can really submit to them. If there isn't, then it's all pretend and role playing, not real submission. If he was a real dominant with experience, then I think it was just not the type of dominant you desire and need.
Are you meant to be a sub? Only you can answer that question. Do you feel a need inside you to submit to someone? A desire so strong that it drives you to seek dominants out? Or could it be that you are really just a kinkster and want to have kinky sex? If you do feel like you are submissive, I suggest before getting into any more relationships that you read educational websites on BDSM and Submission. There are so many ways to submit and dominate that it is important that you learn as much as you can. The more knowledge you have, the better you can negotiate your next contract and relationship.
Once you have learned much more about the Lifestyle, sit down with a Limits worksheet (I published a free downloadable one on www.Lulu.com/spotlight/MichelleFegatofi) and fill it in. This will give you a deeper insight into your own limits, wants, needs and desires as a submissive. It can help you form a better understanding into who you are and what type of BDSM relationship you really do want. Once you do that, you should think about filling out a Submissive resume. This is not a widespread practice, but can help give potential dominants a quick overall view of your personality, training, and expectations.
Don't be in a hurry to submit to another dominant so quickly. With your bad past experiences, I would recommend you take it slow and get to know the potential dominant over several months (online and in person) to ensure you know that they are not fake and this will give you a much better insight into their character. It will also allow you to establish the foundations of any relationship (trust and open communication).
But, to simply answer your question, are you fit to be a submissive? If you feel it in your heart, then yes. Don't let bad experiences distract you from your true nature.
I hope this post has helped some of you that may be experiencing the same situations. If you have a question you would like to ask or need advice, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Remember to stop the blog every day for great reads, posts and updates at www.bdsmunveiled.com! Leave us a comment!
Share this post - support us:
After a very long and stressful two months of relocating, we are finally almost settled in our new place! I feel like I am finally able to start settling back into writing Talk Tuesday as well as other hopefully helpful blogs. Today, my Padrone is answering the questions about Dominants because we both feel he is in a better position to give an answer as he is the dominant in our relationship.
This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.
Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."
I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.
Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."
The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.
Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"
If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.
Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.
Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."
I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.
Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."
The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.
Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"
If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.
Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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Changes in life are inevitable. Sometimes those changes lead to bad things while others lead you to more happy times and extraordinary adventures. While change does happen, it doesn’t have to be scary (even if it feels like).
These past couple of months have led to many changes in my own life. While the journey has not always been completely smooth, there have been many learning opportunities. I learned many things about the way Italians conduct real estate business in Italy, the way their buildings are constructed, the complexities of stopping/moving/starting utilities for your house. It’s way different from anything I was used to in the USA.
But, luckily for me, I had an expert guide to lead the way. As with all things in our lives, Padrone ensured that everything was done. What role did I play in moving since I don’t speak enough Italian to be helpful and didn’t know how to get things done? I kept to-do lists, packed boxes, made sure that he met every appointment he had scheduled, kept him fed and happy and tried to do all that I could to make this move a little less stressful.
These things might not sound like a lot to you, but to me they were. They meant that I was contributing what I could to our search and eventual move to a new and much better location. These tasks made me feel good inside myself, knowing that even though some of them seemed small at the time, it was one less thing Padrone had to think or do by himself. I was serving my Master in every conceivable capacity that I could and got the very comforting feeling that yes, I was helping.
Why am I rambling on about our move? Because as with most everything else in life, I took away many lessons from it that can be applied to the BDSM Lifestyle. I get many emails and messages from submissives from around the world asking for my advice and a lot of them touch on the subjects of change or not feeling like they contribute much to their own D/s or M/s relationship.
If you are in fear of changes that are coming your way, try to look for any and all positives that can happen with them. Don’t allow your own self doubts and fears get the best of you. Have you heard of the saying ‘Our own mind is our worst enemy’? That is true in 90% of the questions I get from submissives that have no confidence in themselves or their relationships.
If you do have doubts or concerns about changes or things that are going on in your relationship, talk to your partner about them. Bring them out in the open and don’t waste time making up doomsday scenarios that are not likely to happen. Those what-if’s can be just as destructive as a real doomsday scenario.
When you feel like you are not contributing enough to your relationship for whatever reason, ask yourself why you feel that way? Is it because you don’t get enough attention or positive feedback from your dominant? Is it your own lack of confidence playing with your mind? Try to track down what it is and rectify it. If you can’t figure it out on your own, tell your partner your fears. Dominants are there to guide us through good and bad times in our lives. We rely on them to be our rock just as they rely on us for many things as well.
The worst thing any couple in a relationship, especially a BDSM dynamic, can do is to stay silent when there is a real or falsely conceived notion causing an underlying tension. If not addressed quickly, calmly and with full open and honest communication, this could really be the beginning of the end for a relationship.
When talking to your dominant about changes, feelings of inferiority (not completing your duties, etc), stay focused on the actual subject. Make sure you do not approach them in an argumentative fashion. You have to keep a completely open mind to any and all things they say, even if you might not realize it or agree with it. If you are in a relationship in which your dominant is fair and guiding, takes great care in how they handle you, and gives you positive feedback while reprimanding you when needed, you should have the confidence to bring all things you feel to his/her attention.
During this move, I’ve learned new things about myself as well as about my submission. Padrone and I have both grown closer and are continuing to grow closer and tighter in our journey through our own M/s relationship.
While I have touched on a couple of different and diverse subjects in this post, I do feel that both belong together and each single issue touches the other more often than you may realize. I hope you take away something encouraging and enlightening after you’ve read this.
These past couple of months have led to many changes in my own life. While the journey has not always been completely smooth, there have been many learning opportunities. I learned many things about the way Italians conduct real estate business in Italy, the way their buildings are constructed, the complexities of stopping/moving/starting utilities for your house. It’s way different from anything I was used to in the USA.
But, luckily for me, I had an expert guide to lead the way. As with all things in our lives, Padrone ensured that everything was done. What role did I play in moving since I don’t speak enough Italian to be helpful and didn’t know how to get things done? I kept to-do lists, packed boxes, made sure that he met every appointment he had scheduled, kept him fed and happy and tried to do all that I could to make this move a little less stressful.
These things might not sound like a lot to you, but to me they were. They meant that I was contributing what I could to our search and eventual move to a new and much better location. These tasks made me feel good inside myself, knowing that even though some of them seemed small at the time, it was one less thing Padrone had to think or do by himself. I was serving my Master in every conceivable capacity that I could and got the very comforting feeling that yes, I was helping.
Why am I rambling on about our move? Because as with most everything else in life, I took away many lessons from it that can be applied to the BDSM Lifestyle. I get many emails and messages from submissives from around the world asking for my advice and a lot of them touch on the subjects of change or not feeling like they contribute much to their own D/s or M/s relationship.
If you are in fear of changes that are coming your way, try to look for any and all positives that can happen with them. Don’t allow your own self doubts and fears get the best of you. Have you heard of the saying ‘Our own mind is our worst enemy’? That is true in 90% of the questions I get from submissives that have no confidence in themselves or their relationships.
If you do have doubts or concerns about changes or things that are going on in your relationship, talk to your partner about them. Bring them out in the open and don’t waste time making up doomsday scenarios that are not likely to happen. Those what-if’s can be just as destructive as a real doomsday scenario.
When you feel like you are not contributing enough to your relationship for whatever reason, ask yourself why you feel that way? Is it because you don’t get enough attention or positive feedback from your dominant? Is it your own lack of confidence playing with your mind? Try to track down what it is and rectify it. If you can’t figure it out on your own, tell your partner your fears. Dominants are there to guide us through good and bad times in our lives. We rely on them to be our rock just as they rely on us for many things as well.
The worst thing any couple in a relationship, especially a BDSM dynamic, can do is to stay silent when there is a real or falsely conceived notion causing an underlying tension. If not addressed quickly, calmly and with full open and honest communication, this could really be the beginning of the end for a relationship.
When talking to your dominant about changes, feelings of inferiority (not completing your duties, etc), stay focused on the actual subject. Make sure you do not approach them in an argumentative fashion. You have to keep a completely open mind to any and all things they say, even if you might not realize it or agree with it. If you are in a relationship in which your dominant is fair and guiding, takes great care in how they handle you, and gives you positive feedback while reprimanding you when needed, you should have the confidence to bring all things you feel to his/her attention.
During this move, I’ve learned new things about myself as well as about my submission. Padrone and I have both grown closer and are continuing to grow closer and tighter in our journey through our own M/s relationship.
While I have touched on a couple of different and diverse subjects in this post, I do feel that both belong together and each single issue touches the other more often than you may realize. I hope you take away something encouraging and enlightening after you’ve read this.
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Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! This week I chose a variety of questions I hope you find interesting and informative. This week's topics cover 'Breakup due to Falling in love', 'Properly addressing Dominants', and 'Renewing Old D/s Contracts'.
Question #1) "My Dominant doesn't believe in having submissives that he loves. I told him that I was falling in love with him and wished to take our relationship to the next level. He promptly released me and said while saying he wasn't in love with me and never would fall for any of his subs in that way. I am now broken and don't know where to turn or what to do next. Any advice or directions you can provide will help."
First I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you have a support system to help you get through this. Breakups are never easy and it can be especially hard when in a D/s relationship. Since I don't know if you had a contract or if he was upfront with you about the consequences of developing feelings for him, I won't try to elaborate on that point. What I will tell you is this: you have to allow yourself time to cry and grieve the loss of your dominant. You need to take time for yourself and cry, eat ice cream, scream in your pillow, curse his name and say every mean nasty thing about him you ever wanted to your stuffed animal, pout and wallow in sorrow right now because that is the first step to healing. After a week or two goes by, you have to make yourself start living again, little by little. Spend time with your friends. Take walks outside for a few minutes by yourself to just enjoy nature. Take this time to look deep inside yourself and get to know you again. And do not rush into another relationship or look for another one for at least 6 months. The reason I say 6 months is because that is normally the least amount of time people need to completely get over their previous relationship. I hope this helps. If you want to talk further or need a shoulder, you can always email me.
Question #2) "I have been around the Lifestyle now for a few months and have noticed that online, many so-called dominants demand every sub call them Sir. I have actually been kicked out of a couple of groups because I called the dominant that ran the group by his first name. I was led to believe that you don't call anyone Sir unless they are your own Dominant. Am I right or wrong? Thanks."
I personally do not call anyone other than my own Master (Padrone) by any title unless my own Padrone tells me to. I call them by their first name and that is it. In real life BDSM circles, if you call someone that is not your dominant by Sir, they will most likely look at you strangely or tell you to not address them as such because it is not proper. The lesson I usually try impart to new people in the lifestyle is that if a Dominant has to demand you call them Sir/Madam etc..., they are most likely not real dominants and are fakes or even abusers. Real dominants do not demand respect, they earn it overtime and are given it naturally.
Question #3) "I have a contract with my Dominant and it is 3 years old. Our relationship has changed since we wrote and signed it. I asked my Dominant if we can write a new one to make sure that we are both on the same page with terms/rules/regulations/punishments/protocols. He said the old one was just fine and we should know by now what to expect in every situation from the other one. I don't agree with this and really would feel better if we wrote an updated contract. How can I get him to agree to this without stepping out of my submissive boundaries and seeming pushy?"
I spoke with my Padrone (Dominant/Master) about this situation and he and I both do not understand what the problem is with updating the existing contract to reflect your relationship as it is now. If your dominant does not want to update the contract after you have sat down and explained to him your own reasons for wanting to, then there seems to be some other underlying problems that you might need to dig into deeper. I would suggest broaching the subject one more time being a little more assertive than you were last time, but still respecting your dynamic. If he still does not want to redo the contract, write it up yourself and present him with it. Ask him to read and sign it. If he still refuses, then you have to decide for yourself what your next step will be.
I hope you enjoyed this installment of Talk Tuesday. If you want to participate in the conversation further, please leave a comment below.
Question #1) "My Dominant doesn't believe in having submissives that he loves. I told him that I was falling in love with him and wished to take our relationship to the next level. He promptly released me and said while saying he wasn't in love with me and never would fall for any of his subs in that way. I am now broken and don't know where to turn or what to do next. Any advice or directions you can provide will help."
First I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you have a support system to help you get through this. Breakups are never easy and it can be especially hard when in a D/s relationship. Since I don't know if you had a contract or if he was upfront with you about the consequences of developing feelings for him, I won't try to elaborate on that point. What I will tell you is this: you have to allow yourself time to cry and grieve the loss of your dominant. You need to take time for yourself and cry, eat ice cream, scream in your pillow, curse his name and say every mean nasty thing about him you ever wanted to your stuffed animal, pout and wallow in sorrow right now because that is the first step to healing. After a week or two goes by, you have to make yourself start living again, little by little. Spend time with your friends. Take walks outside for a few minutes by yourself to just enjoy nature. Take this time to look deep inside yourself and get to know you again. And do not rush into another relationship or look for another one for at least 6 months. The reason I say 6 months is because that is normally the least amount of time people need to completely get over their previous relationship. I hope this helps. If you want to talk further or need a shoulder, you can always email me.
Question #2) "I have been around the Lifestyle now for a few months and have noticed that online, many so-called dominants demand every sub call them Sir. I have actually been kicked out of a couple of groups because I called the dominant that ran the group by his first name. I was led to believe that you don't call anyone Sir unless they are your own Dominant. Am I right or wrong? Thanks."
I personally do not call anyone other than my own Master (Padrone) by any title unless my own Padrone tells me to. I call them by their first name and that is it. In real life BDSM circles, if you call someone that is not your dominant by Sir, they will most likely look at you strangely or tell you to not address them as such because it is not proper. The lesson I usually try impart to new people in the lifestyle is that if a Dominant has to demand you call them Sir/Madam etc..., they are most likely not real dominants and are fakes or even abusers. Real dominants do not demand respect, they earn it overtime and are given it naturally.
Question #3) "I have a contract with my Dominant and it is 3 years old. Our relationship has changed since we wrote and signed it. I asked my Dominant if we can write a new one to make sure that we are both on the same page with terms/rules/regulations/punishments/protocols. He said the old one was just fine and we should know by now what to expect in every situation from the other one. I don't agree with this and really would feel better if we wrote an updated contract. How can I get him to agree to this without stepping out of my submissive boundaries and seeming pushy?"
I spoke with my Padrone (Dominant/Master) about this situation and he and I both do not understand what the problem is with updating the existing contract to reflect your relationship as it is now. If your dominant does not want to update the contract after you have sat down and explained to him your own reasons for wanting to, then there seems to be some other underlying problems that you might need to dig into deeper. I would suggest broaching the subject one more time being a little more assertive than you were last time, but still respecting your dynamic. If he still does not want to redo the contract, write it up yourself and present him with it. Ask him to read and sign it. If he still refuses, then you have to decide for yourself what your next step will be.
I hope you enjoyed this installment of Talk Tuesday. If you want to participate in the conversation further, please leave a comment below.
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This past week has brought a firestorm of responses about my personal description of what an Alpha sub is as well as to a post I wrote for Lady Hecate's The Lair of Lady Hecate website about my thoughts on new terms that have been popping up around the BDSM online community such as Alpha sub, brat, and primal. I have received comments ranging from those that agree with me and those that adamantly oppose anything I write about. I never try to push my thoughts on others, but do speak my mind and stand by my beliefs.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
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Welcome to Talk Tuesday! I'm sorry I missed last week but was very sick, but now I'm better and all caught up on messages. If you sent me an email asking for advice on something, you should have your answer now. Here are the top three questions that I think you will benefit from the most.
Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?"
First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.
Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"
This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.
Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"
Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com
Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?"
First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.
Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"
This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.
Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"
Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com
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Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! Every week we try to bring you questions that are not normally asked in an effort to help broaden your Lifestyle knowledge. We have a very diverse set of questions for you once again! This week's topics cover 'Safety for first Meetings', '24/7 Switches', and 'Ending an M/s Relationship'.
Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"
Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.
When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.
For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life
Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"
First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.
In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.
If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.
Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"
First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order. BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.
I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!
Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"
Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.
When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.
For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life
Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"
First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.
In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.
If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.
Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"
First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order. BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.
I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!
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