Michelle Fegatofi

Hello and happy Tuesday everyone! It's time again for Talk Tuesday!

I've picked two very interesting questions once again that I think will help further your own journeys into the BDSM Lifestyle.

Question #1) "How long after beginning a dialogue with someone on line (dating sites or Facebook) should you meet in person? I have had a few online inquiries who want to meet but I am always reluctant because most do not use their own name nor when asked do they provide much information about themselves. They also do not ask questions of me that make me feel that they want to get to know me. In fact, I feel hat they only want to meet to judge sexual attraction. What do you think?"

I believe in safety first. If you meet someone online, you should get to know the real them before meeting them in person. If someone refuses to show you a picture of their real face or tell you their real name, there is probably much more they are hiding. I'm not saying everyone is like that, but if someone likes you enough online that they want to meet in person, there should be no problem with telling you their real name, phone number, and the type of car they drive.

As far as time, it all depends on individual people. If you meet someone and you just connect, you know some of the same online people that can verify the character and real identity of the person, then maybe all you need is a month. For others, they are much slower and more cautious and meet years after first speaking online together.

Above all, follow you instincts. Make sure if you have any reservations at all, that you don't meet the person before you are comfortable. Always make sure you leave the meeting place, person's name and telephone number, and any other relevant information with a friend just in case.

Here are some links for more information on this subject:

First Meetings: Cyber to Real Life
Predators are Everywhere: Beware
A Tale of Caution for Cyber BDSM

Question #2) "OK I'm a male and in the bedroom I'm a sub and my partner is my mistress/wife. We like strap-on play gags whips ect. But biggest thing we like to do is I wear lingerie like bra, panties, stockings, garter but thats all no makeup, heels or anything further than that. But I guess the kicker is that I wear women's panties outside the bedroom 24/7 I love them they are more comfortable than boxers I won't ever go back. Anyways wearing panties outside the bedroom do I have a different sexual status I guess it would be called straight/bisexual ect. I'm a straight man though I do like receiving anal play from a form of strap-on tried reading up on it can't find anything on it, other than men wearing panties is becoming more popular."

You would probably amazed at how many straight men I have met or heard from with similar situations. They have no sexual interest in other men, have no interest in cross dressing or wanting to becomes a transgender. They are confused as to why they like having a strap-on used by a female to receive anal play. They dress in women's lingerie for they pleasure it brings them to follow the requests of their female partners. And many of them love the humiliation that can come from that. What they don't know is that they are male submissives and some are also masochists. I think in the bedroom you are a masochistic submissive.

Although it is definitely a different path from what society considers 'normal', don't stress about it. If you and your partner are comfortable and happy, then keep doing what you're doing.

Helpful links for more information:

Men wearing Women's Underwear Fetish
Underwear Fetishism

Remember that you can send me your questions anytime by emailing me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com! Come back next Tuesday for another round of BDSM Unveiled Talk Tuesday!

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Michelle Fegatofi

I Am A Submissive Woman

i find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive

to my Master in a loving relationship.

i am not weak or stupid. i am a strong woman,

with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of my life.

i do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

i will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never

will i be more complete than when He is with me.

i know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul

with His strength and wisdom.

He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him.

His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.

Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy…

His punishments may be harsh, but i accept them thankfully,

knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.

If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him

and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness.

However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of O/our relationship.

The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt,

those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am.

No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes,

and because of that i hold my head high.

If He says i am His precious jewel,

then i am that…a beautiful, sparkling gem.

If He says that i am His pet, His slut, His whore, then i am that..

as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be.

My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can.

i have no secrets from Him… for secrets are a thing that would

keep me from being more perfectly His.

Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…

and i do not want walls.

His lessons are not always ones i would seek on my own,

but they are lessons He has decided that i need, and so i learn from Him.

My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be

when i kneel naked at His feet.

Never a moment goes by when i do not feel His presence,

be He miles away or standing over me.

If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul,

worse punishment than any lashes could be.

The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him

is harder to bear than any physical anguish i feel.

i am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend

His time and energy so freely on me.

i have the easier job, to feel, to experience,

to let myself go and abandon everything to Him.

i am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously .

i am a submissive woman.

i am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that i do not give lightly,

and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to my Master who has that strength, will i give myself fully,

because i am strong and proud.

i am a submissive woman.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Today is the first in what I hope will become a weekly occurrence of me answering great questions submitted to me by readers from around the globe. Below there are a variety of topics discussed as well as some links to more in-depth reading. 

Question #1) "I call myself a babygirl/sub with a few slave traits. Babygirl=because I want to be protected and treated like a princesses, sub=because I want to please him and slave=because I have this need to serve him sexually and domestic. Am I classifying myself properly?"

                                       

Classifications are simply titles that we, as humans, need so that we may better explain to ourselves and others what we are, what we represent, or simply to feel more comfortable. Every sub wants to be protected by her Dom. That is a common trait among most subs. Now, 'being treated like a princess' is not what I would consider a submissive trait. We all want to be treated with love and respect by our partners and should expect a certain level of treatment, but not expect princess or queen treatment. To me, that is something that is more reserved for a dominant female. A baby girl usually wants a softer dominant with more lenient rules. As far as the differences between sub and slave, it varies from person to person. The needs you describe are all submissive traits. A slave is one that wants all decisions made for her. She craves rules, structure, and the peace of mind that comes with not having the responsibilities of decision making in most things pertaining to daily life. Both submissives and slaves want to serve their dominants in various ways. Decide if you want a relationship where most of, if not your entire life has decision made for you? If the answer is no, then you are not a slave but a submissive with a deep desire to serve her Dominant. As far as classifications, don't get too hung up on them because every person has their own variation of what a sub/slave/bg is. Just find one that you are satisfied with and go with it.

For more information, visit the following links:

Submissive vs Slave

Titles and Classifications

What Type of Submissive are You?

Question #2) "The Daddy Dom I was with for almost a year was wonderful, kind and loving. About 6 months into the LDR he started to change. He had 2 deaths in the family within a month of each other (one was his mother). He stopped tasking me saying that I wasn't doing as he wanted and that he was getting tired of having to revisit the same subjects over and over again because I "couldn't get them right" and talked about what a sucky sub I was and that I would be a better online sub because I could fake it better. I know deep down what I am, I know the needs and the cravings I have to submit. My question is if I feel it so strong why is it that I was having so much trouble learning and retaining the information he was trying to teach me?" 

First, I need to know how you were in the beginning when he was kinder? Where you able to learn and adapt to his ways and the things he was teaching you? Where the items he was trying to teach consistent or did he waver and change them? Just from the little you have told me, it sounds like you need a strong but kind and patient dominant that is extremely consistent in what he is trying to teach you. I think that a number of things contributed to what you term as your inability to learn. His inconsistent behavior, the pressures he was under from dealing with emotional stresses, and there were probably things in your own life that were a priority over your submission. I don't know on that last part, but it's just a guess. I think that life was one of many factors to the reasons you didn't work out, bit I don't think that you are unable to learn. With the right dominant and the right life circumstances, I think you will be a great sub.

For more information, visit the following links:

Respect and Submission

Submissive or Slave Training

Question #3) "The most heartbreaking post for me are the ones from submissives who are abused by fakers, abusers, and just plain creeps. Those who just abandon the Sub or string her along through online and long distance contact are not dominants. Recently I was reading an article that suggest that these things happen repeatedly and in such large numbers because we, the Submissives, are allowing it by not vetting the individual. Many Submissives have low self esteem and are just accepting anyone that wants to play with them. They are not following the information that clearly outlines safety in meeting and playing with someone. And most importantly they are not following their guts, questioning the slightest discrepancies in word and behavior and walking away. Are we failing to safe guard ourselves physical and emotional?"

Many abusive people use BDSM as a cover for themselves. They will call themselves dominant and will make an entire fake profile and history to catch new, inexperienced, or unwary subs. With the influx of people into the lifestyle over the past few years and the ever expanding internet, many people have dropped all precautions. New subs either don't know or just don't follow common sense safety precautions, online and in real life. We have to think about safety and take precautionary measures in both arenas because many relationships start off online and then transition into a real life situation. There are many females that come online with unrealistic expectations of what they are looking for and exactly what they might get into. I have come across many newbies that entered into an online D/s relationship with a person they had not known for longer than a week and had no clear understanding of what they were getting into. Needless to say, most of those relationships ended with hurt, confused, and misguided subs. I always advise new people to read everything about the lifestyle they can, possibly participate in discussion groups and maybe go to a few munches before ever considering any type of BDSM relationship. With knowledge, you have power and enlightenment. With an understanding of the lifestyle, you can be more cautious and better aware of the pitfalls, fake dominants, and other dangers lurking about. 

For more information, visit the following links:

Predators are everywhere - Beware

Warning Signs of a Fake Dominant

First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life

Thank you to the followers that submitted questions. I hope they were answered to your satisfaction and that the additional reading links gave you more information. 

If you would like my opinion on any BDSM related subject, send me your question at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com and they will be answered here next Tuesday. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Email me any BDSM related question and I will answer it on Tuesdays! Starting this Tuesday!

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Michelle Fegatofi

Introducing a new book from author Michelle Fegatofi!

BDSM Basics for Submissives tackles specific topics that every submissive/slave will deal with at least once in their submissive life. The first installment Dealing with the Mental and Emotional Side of Submission looks deeper into the psychological side of BDSM.

Over the years, I have found a lot of helpless and sometimes clueless submissives that were mentally and emotionally abused by dominants. They each felt like they deserved anything they got and never even questioned the dominants about their behavior. One of the hardest things to learn as a new submissive in the world of BDSM is how to navigate and deal with the whirlwind of mental and emotional stress that can come from being in a D/s or M/s relationship. Many people believe they are not allowed to feel any bad feelings, think bad or wrong thoughts, and always have to be a happy submissive. As humans, we all have to deal with negative feelings and thoughts from time to time, even though we may be submissives. This guide is a tool that will help you understand, analyze, and deal with different types of emotions and mental stresses associated with being a submissive.

Available in eBook format at:

Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Bdsm-Basics-Submissives-Emotional-Submission-ebook/dp/B00NT65UYS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1412285081&sr=8-2&keywords=michelle+fegatofi

Apple iBooks:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/bdsm-basics-for-submissives/id921971642?mt=11

Barnes and Noble:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bdsm-basics-for-submissives-dealing-with-the-mental-and-emotional-side-of-submission-michelle-fegatofi/1120416544?ean=9781312334168

Kobo:

http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/bdsm-basics-for-submissives-dealing-with-the-mental-and-emotional-side-of-submission

Coming Soon in Paperback!

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Michelle Fegatofi

If you read my last post on

Feeling like a Submissive Failure, you know that this past year has had a lot of ups and downs for me. I have struggled with mood swings, lack of interest, lack of motivation, and the inability to focus on one thing for long. The things I enjoy the most (writing and interacting with my followers) just fell to the wayside because I simply had no drive to pursue them.

Normally, I have a very even temperament and sunny personality no matter if I'm sick, suffering from the effects of my Epilepsy, or dealing with unpleasant people. Many times in the past few months, I really wondered to myself if I was having some kind of mental illness starting or if my body had been possessed by a ghost or some evil demon spirit. There were many times that I was aggressive to my Padrone and other times I was feeling down over something insignificant that he said. If you know me or have read my previous posts, you know I love and worship my Padrone. He is my world and being his slave is what makes me happy. I respect and obey him in all ways.

So, if I'm happy, in love with my Padrone, love being his slave and living a 24/7 M/s relationship, what could possibly possess me to ever get aggressive towards him or try to start a fight over something stupid? It would make a great story if I could say that a gremlin took over my body, but this is reality. What it really was is Menopause.

I know I'm only 41 years old. That is usually too young to have full blown menopause. Well, in my case it's not. At the age of 32, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. The doctor recommended a complete hysterectomy. At age 33, about a year after the surgery, my body transitioned into a premenopausal state. At first, the symptoms were so small and random that they didn't really bother me that much. Now in the past couple of years, I have been experiencing more hot flashes and needing much more sleep. Even though I experienced these symptoms, I never consciously thought about the reason behind them.

Thinking back over this past year and talking about it with Padrone, the mood swings and many other symptoms attributed to menopause really escalated as far back as May. I never thought about it because I was the one it was happening to and unless you make a very conscious effort to monitor all of your moods, actions, and words, you have no idea how they come across to other people.

How does menopause affect submission? It can affect it in many ways that a submissive female is not aware of. It made my moods erratic at times. It caused me to become stand-offish and have thoughts of directly disobeying Padrone. It made me wonder at times if I really was cut out to be a submissive or if I was just going through the motions. It made me doubt myself, my life choices, my thoughts, even my sanity at times. Without the loving guidance and extreme patience of Padrone, I honestly have no idea how I would have withstood the firestorm of emotions going on inside my own head this past year.

So, how and when did I come to realize that I was not crazy and that everything that I have been experiencing was attributed to menopause? A couple of days ago I started crying very intensely for no reason. Padrone was asleep and I curled up into his back, clinging for dear life. He woke up, turned over and asked me what the matter was. I was crying so strongly that I couldn't even talk. He just held me until I calmed down. When I was able to form coherent thoughts and words, I told him that I really didn't know why I was crying. He held me and after some moments told me he thought it was menopause.

I hadn't even thought about that. We quietly talked it over and discussed all my symptoms and things that had been happening to me over several months prior. He calmed me down and told me to research menopause symptoms, especially mood swings. I did as I was told. After reading the first article, it felt like a light bulb went on above my head. Once I read several articles, a huge weight seemed to lift off my shoulders and it was like I had a revelation! It turned out I had never been possessed by a gremlin nor was I losing my mind! All the crazy stuff I had been experiencing, feeling, and going through had a medical explanation. I had finally transferred into full blown menopause after suffering premenopause for almost 8 years.

Here are a list of commonly felt symptoms experienced by women in Pre menopause or Menopause:

• Breast tenderness
• Vaginal dryness
• Lower sex drive
• Mood swings
• Erratic thoughts or behavior
• Fatigue
• Aggressiveness
• Sleep deprivation
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of focus
• Lack of motivation
• Weight gain or loss
• Forgetfulness
• Depression
• Anxiety

Those are just some things that women can face during this period in their lives. There is hope and help to control or curb many of these symptoms. I urge you to do your own research and talk to a doctor before starting any new health regimens.

Can you still be a submissive if your are experiencing menopause? Of course! The very first thing you need is a very patient and understanding Dominant. The next thing you have to do is to become more aware of your moods, thoughts and actions, especially reactions. When you have thoughts that make you doubt your ability or desire to submit, stop and reflect on the joy, love, and honor you get from being submissive to your dominant. 

Make sure to talk to your dominant about what's going on inside your head and with your body. Help him understand that these changes occurring will make your submission a little more difficult sometimes and that during these times is when you need a little more understanding and leniency. Ask him to read some of the research you found on premenopause and menopause to help him understand more.   

Once you realize what's going on, you can find a way to combat the symptoms and help your moods stay on a more even wave length. I'm very fortunate to have a more experienced and extremely patient Padrone. With his help, I am feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. If you have a dominant, always remember that you are not alone in dealing with this condition. Lean on his shoulder as much as you need to. That's what I do and that in and of itself is priceless. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

In January, we all try to make plans and goals for the year.

We make lists of sometimes unreachable accomplishments. As the year progresses, the days, weeks and months steadily roll by. Life intervenes. It interrupts our perfectly planned list that we made back in January. All of a sudden, we look up and realize it's September! Where the heck did the year go? Were we sleeping through a large portion of it? You realize that most of the goals you set out to accomplish at the beginning of the year will never be completed. You feel like a failure.

That scenario above is basically what happened to me. In January, I was all gung-ho about cooking new and exciting recipes, posting daily on the many different social media sites I have, and writing blog posts at least once a week. I was working on a new book, answering fan questions, and interacting with a lot different people online. I cleaned house, took daily walks with my dog, did the shopping, and took care of my Padrone. I went to work with Padrone at least 4 nights a week to keep him company and worked from the hotel. 

As the months passed, I started slowing down. My focus started shifting from all the work that I was doing to concentrating more on smaller tasks. I started reducing the amount of new recipes I cooked. I wasn't interacting as much online with my fans and friends. Around May, the number of social sites I posted on regularly reduced drastically in number because I simply did not have the drive to keep up with them. I was only being inspired to write about twice a month on my blog and had completely stopped working on the new book. 

What had changed? I was still a slave, still lived BDSM 24/7 and still loved the lifestyle. My passion for the Lifestyle had not waned, just the drive that had made it almost my sole focus for 2 years. I was tired. I wanted to focus or concentrate on more diverse things, not just the driving force inside myself that always pushed me to work almost 16 hour days just to keep up with all the sites that I had built up on the internet. I didn't understand myself why I had changed. I felt like I was failing not only myself, but my fans and friends both. As a real life submissive slave, I felt like a huge failure. At times, I didn't feel worthy of the title 'submissive'. 

In June, I got a second wind. I found an automation tool that posted pictures automatically for me on many of my sites around the internet. All I had to do is find and schedule the pictures. I restarted interacting with friends and fans more and was getting back into my groove that had left me flailing mid year. We started thinking of getting a second Chihuahua as a companion for our other dog (fur baby) Harper. The world seemed a little brighter and I started feeling like I was more in sync with my inner self than I had been for months.

In July, we bought new furniture and decided to paint the house. Padrone works at night and sleeps during the day, so the only time I could paint was during the night when he was at work. I got half way through painting when the bed arrived. While moving the mattress up three flights of stairs, I messed up my back severely! I was out of commission for over a week and a half. I literally could not move at all for about three days. I started feeling down again and out of sync. I felt more guilty because of my inability to do anything. I was helpless and the house was a complete wreck.  

Padrone kept telling me that it was not my fault and that everything would be ok. He told me over and over again to not worry. He knew that if I stressed myself out too much that I would end up having a seizure, and with my back already messed up really bad, a seizure was the last thing I needed. I finally realized that it was not my fault that my back went out and that I was doing the best that I could.

Being so preoccupied in July with the renovations, my back problems and searching for a new dog, I was not focusing at all on any of my internet duties. I felt at times that I was even slipping in my real life submissive duties as well. This is where I have to explain a little about my Padrone's approach to Domination. He has a set of rules that I must always follow, but he does not give me daily tasks. He knows that I understand what is expected of me and that I will always go above and beyond his expectations when I can. He is very flexible and understanding when I'm not able, or don't want, to perform certain tasks (such as cooking, cleaning, working on the internet, etc.) because of health reasons. He knows that I am not lazy and will never not do something just because I don't feel like it. There is always a reason. Now, as I was saying, even though I could not physically do much of anything because of my back, I still felt like I was failing Him in my submissive duties.

Padrone made me understand after many conversations, and tears on my part, that I was still fulfilling my submissive duties. I was not a submissive failure. I was hurt and had to heal. My only task at that time was to rest and not push myself too hard until I was better and back on my feet. It was my duty to him to ensure that I was healthy and happy. In taking care of myself, not pushing myself, and being happy, I made him happy. And making him happy was, is, and always will be my main priority.

August comes around and everybody goes on vacation in Italy, including us. I finally finished redecorating the bedroom and was really focused on finding a companion for our other dog. I was still letting many sites slip by without posting much. I wasn't producing any new poems. I wasn't writing any new blog posts. I wasn't interacting with many people online again, and not answering fan mail often.

What was I doing? I was living life offline. But, I have a big online presence. Online activities was my job. I was responsible for keeping all of the content going. I was not focusing on my pages, blog or fans. I once again felt like I was not only letting all of my followers down, but my Padrone and myself. I was failing again! Padrone had to remind me once again that his number one rule for me was to do what I feel like doing and not push myself into doing something I don't want to. Again, he pulled me back from self flagellation and helped me get back on track.

On top of all this, I also deal with health issues on an almost daily basis. I have Epilepsy. It can manifest in many different ways, not just seizures, at any time. While it had been relatively quiet, other, very troubling symptoms cropped up and got worse as the year progressed. In the first days of September, I can say that I was poked, prodded, and tested more than I had been in years. If you suffer with a debilitating illness and are a sub/slave, you understand how much it can impact your life as well as your ability to do anything. While I have learned to not blame myself for my Epilepsy episodes, the new health problems were messing with my confidence again. Many times I felt unworthy and a failure. As always, Padrone made me see that's not true. 

Now we are in the middle of September and life slowly has gotten back to normal and back on track. In August, we acquired a 4 month old female Chihuahua companion for our six year old Chihuahua/Pincher mix. I have gotten a handle on scheduling posts for the main social media sites I post on and I am writing this blog post now. Slowly, but surely, I am learning to manage everything once again, learning that even though my focus may change from one week to another, and that my priorities will change, that I am not a failure as a submissive.

I may not do every task that I set for myself every single day for different reasons. Some days I won't cook. Other days I won't post online. Some days I will do it all. No matter how the day ends up, whether I am sick or feeling good, whether I do tons of work or nothing at all, as long as I keep my focus on being happy and keeping my Padrone as happy as possible, I have not failed as a submissive.

Now, why did I write such a long post? Why would you care about what's been going on in my personal life? What is the point? The point is simple. Each one of you have busy lives. Your own priorities will change from day to day and you will definitely drop some task that you think makes you a failure. You might be too tired some days to perform some task or duty that your Dominant has assigned you. Your kids or other family members will want your attention and keep you from completing an assignment. Life is dynamic. It is always changing. Just because you can't be Super Submissive every day does not mean you are a failure. Take life one day at a time and try your best. That is all that your Dominant asks of you, and that is all you should expect of yourself.

Dominants, it's very important that you always ensure that your submissives understand that they are not failures if they can't perform tasks or assignments due to health issues. I know there are dominants that think they should never be flexible and that every infraction, missed task, etc needs punishment. If you are this type of dom, I urge you to never get involved with a submissive that has any health issues. Stay with only perfectly healthy subs. Why? Because if you are that rigid and your sub gets sick, I guarantee the sub will have long lasting confidence issues after suffering punishments given due to being unable to perform because of the illness.

Above all, remember that BDSM, D/s, or M/s can be practiced in an infinite numbers of ways. Submission should always make you happy and be something freely given. If you are constantly feeling down, like a failure, remember that is not true. You do your best everyday and that's all anyone can ever ask.

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Michelle Fegatofi

We all have had these types of people around us in our vanilla lives.

People that are always trying to show everyone around them that their lives are better because they have more expensive stuff, their house is bigger, or they are smarter because they have certain types of educational degrees.

Unfortunately, BDSM isn't any different. Over the years, I have seen both Dominants and submissives buy toys, clothes, and collars all in an attempt to show off. With the influx of people exploring the Lifestyle, this phenomenon has advanced at an epic rate. This is especially prevalent online. Think about your news feeds on the various social media sites you frequent. How much of it is filled with people showing something they bought, a status of what their Dom told them to do and how perfectly they followed it?

Now, here's where you're wondering to yourself, "what's the point of this post?" The point is simple. People do not like a show off, someone that is always trying to 'one up' everybody else. How many times have you been in a group and someone posted something that did nothing to contribute to the overall theme in the group? I have seen it way too much.

If, you are one of these types of people, please rethink the types of things you post. For one, many people in the BDSM community will not take you seriously. Second, most people don't like to be around or interact with show offs. And third, if you say you are a submissive, yet you continuously show off in the above mentioned manner, you are not a real submissive.

A true submissive is humble. They do not flaunt their accomplishments and material possessions continuously. A true submissive is confident enough in his/her self and has no need to virtually yell to the world 'Look At Me!'. A true submissive does not share every detail of their relationship or minute details of their daily tasks and brag how they excelled in completing them.

Just to clarify, I am not talking about sharing significant life events, like collarings or anniversaries, nor am I referring to people that post things every once in a while that they want to share because it's a special occasion. I am speaking to and about those that spam or bombard the news feeds constantly with how perfect they and their lives are.

I have been bombarded with too many 'look at me' and 'I'm the best submissive' posts in my news feeds, groups, and emails this week. I hope this post makes you all take a second look at your own behavior online and in real life. If you think this post is directed at you specifically, then you might just need to think about making changes and reevaluate your life.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Well, today's the day!

It's the 3rd anniversary of the day Padrone flew to California to pack me up and bring me back to Italy to live with him as his 24/7 slave.
To celebrate and mark the occasion, we got the same tattoo on our right arms. I know many people don't like or approve this kind of symbolic gesture, but it's a symbol of love and commitment to us.

We definitely have had some huge learning curves, as every relationship does, being from different countries and having a sixteen year age span between us. But, we both learned to compromise on some things and learned to live with others.

Along the way, life has taught us both many things. I know some of you are thinking that as an M/s couple, there should be no compromises on the Master's part. That is simply not true. If a couple are in love and they want to have a lasting relationship, compromise is one of the key ingredients needed.

Padrone has added new rules, changed some rules, and completely eliminated others. We have had the normal ups and downs, but every down has brought us that much closer. You see, during a disagreement, we take it as an opportunity to learn and compromise versus holding grudges.

Here are some basics that we have learned in the past three years as a couple and as a 24/7 M/s dynamic.

1.  Always be truthful, even if your partner might not like what you have to say.
2. Voice your thoughts! Never keep your partner guessing as to what you're feeling.
3. Never make your partner jealous on purpose. That is just childish.
4. Always make time for snuggling. Yes, simple snuggling can make a huge difference in how you feel.
5. Compromise! I can't stress this enough.
6. Don't dwell on small petty things. This can break a relationship.
7. Don't keep bringing up past experiences. You have a past. Everyone does. The trick is to start this relationship with a fresh slate.
8. Always learn from each other.
9. Never take your partner or their contributions to your relationship for granted. Make sure they always know how much you appreciate everything they do.
10. Don't assume. For good or bad, assumptions can lead to trouble you don't need.
11. Always trust in the rules and teachings of your Dominant. 
12. Don't make or cause drama where there is none.

There are many other things that I could list, but the above ones are a good base for anyone to follow. Above all, love, trust and always believe in your partner. 

Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

On a previous post entitled

All About Collars, I wrote about the different stages of collaring, collaring ceremonies, and what collars could possibly be made of. I neglected to add a few dos and don'ts, including safety tips.

I have been wearing the same collar for about three years. It's a stainless steel Gorean collar that closes with a hex screw. If you have been following my blog, you have read how I've lost and gained weight since moving to Italy. When I was smaller, my collar was looser and I got used to that feeling. As I gained a little weight back, it became increasingly uncomfortable to sleep in. Padrone ordered me another collar that was exactly the same, just in one inch larger. Now, you can't tell a difference when you see it, but it makes a huge difference in my everyday comfort, especially when I'm sleeping.

With that in mind, here is a list of collar do's and don'ts.

1. Always make sure that whatever type of collar you wear is not tight. It should fit so you have no problem breathing, swallowing, and moving your head around and side to side.
2. Ensure that you can get at least two fingers under your collar. If you can't, it is too small!
3. If you sleep in a collar, make sure it's comfortable enough so there are no restrictions, but also that it can't catch on anything and hurt you.
4. Never pull sharply on a leash or collar. This could cause neck muscle or spine damage.
5. Never attach a collar to any type of suspension rig as a way of suspending a submissive. The submissive will choke and most likely be strangled.
6. Always keep your collar clean. A dirty collar can lead to skin infections.
7. If you develop a rash or sores, do not wear your collar until it has cleared up.
8. Never wear a leather collar in the shower. It can ruin it and cause possible skin infections. 
9. If you want to wear a collar to a job, make sure the collar can pass for regular jewelry. The more conspicuous the collar, the more possibility it could cause questions and issues to come up.
10. If your collar has spikes or some other type of sharp protrusion coming off of it, always be careful not to poke yourself with it. These types of collars should be used for looks and not play.

So, no matter what type of collar you choose or when and where you wear it, just make sure it's comfortable and you follow all safety protocols.

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Michelle Fegatofi

In the world of BDSM, we think of ourselves as being a high tolerance community that keeps open minds without judging others.

I have found that to be true in most cases, with the exception to size. One thing that has stood out to me over the past couple of years is that size discrimination comes from both ends of the weight spectrum.

I have several pages on various social media sites. Over time, some of them started catering to different groups' wants. One page mostly portrayed thinner models in various BDSM situations. While the other page catered to larger women posing in different outfits and scenes. This is where it gets interesting.

On the page posting thinner pictures of women, I would get comments like "she needs a cheeseburger", "without curves, she should be a boy", and "real men like women with curves". After it happened more frequently, I have to say I was shocked! I always expected to get the occasional mean comment on my plus sized page, but never thought I would see so many on the "normal sized" page. I got to see first hand just how reverse size discrimination worked.

Now, on the plus sized page, it was just the opposite. We got comments such as "fat pig", "looks more like a hippo in a corset", "fat, ugly, porker" and some so vile I refuse to repeat them. I had expected this. I would delete and ban the offender. What I never expected was comments such as "she's not big enough to be a BBW" or "what makes her plus size". Apparently some people didn't think the women were large enough. I was stunned when this first happened. I always posted a variety of different sized and shaped plus size women.

If you guys have followed me for any length of time, you should know that I don't tolerate any form of discrimination (gender, race, size, sexual orientation, etc..). A few days ago, I got a comment once again on the plus sized page asking me what made her plus sized. I answered that she was a well known size 14 model, which in the USA means plus sized. Shortly after, I received a heated response asking me to detail what sizes I thought the descriptions 'plus size', 'BBW', and 'SSBBW' consist of. Of course I didn't answer. That did spark a great question that I posed to my followers on various sites on the internet. Some very interesting comments and discussions ensued after.

Many people said that women should not be labeled at all. Some stated what they thought constituted a BBW and SSBBW. Some thought plus size, BBW, and SSBBW are three different tiers for describing larger women. I got a couple of angry comments stating that simply asking the question was very offensive.

I have known my entire life that I can't please everyone. I never have and never will. Here are my thoughts on the entire situation.

• I believe people that have a wonderful personality and character are beautiful, no matter their outer shell.
• I believe that every woman, despite size/shape/color/age can be an awesome, loved, and desirable submissive with the right Dominant.
• I see nothing wrong or offensive with the terms plus size or BBW. To me, they are the same and can be used interchangeably to describe women that are on the larger side of what the general public deem as 'normal'.
• I also thoroughly believe that size discrimination and segregation is completely wrong, in any shape or form. 

Therefore, after much discussion with my Padrone, I have decided to combine all of my pages into one that posts pictures of every size and shape, with absolutely no tolerance for negative comments.  Why? Because I need to 'practice what I preach'. 

The BDSM community is supposed to be a high tolerance, open minded community. If I continue to run separate pages for different groups, I see it as a form of segregation, separate but equal. That is not what we should be promoting. I know many people will not lime it. Many of the old followers won't follow the new pages. But, I accept this. I hope that with time, new people will follow me and help promote the spirit of a united community. 

Thank you all for your continued support and I hope that my words have either helped sway your opinion, or at the very least, opened your mind to a different way of thinking.  

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