Michelle Fegatofi

I have had a very good day today and a lot of much needed sleep, so decided to answer the following questions that people seem to ask the most.

What makes me want to be a slave? Why would I choose the path I am on and the type of relationship I have? How could I, as a grown woman with a sound mind, allow a man to dictate rules to me and make all my decisions?

The answer is simple. It is who I am and what I live for. It makes me happy, content, and joyous when I am able to serve Padrone in some way, large or small.

What makes me want to be a slave?
I have always put other people ahead of myself. I hate drama, fights, raised voices and arguments. My vary nature is to be submissive to almost everyone else. I don't like direct attention from people, other than my Padrone. I have an inherent need to make him happy, to cook, to clean, to massage, to do his laundry, to feed him, and to do many other things for him. It makes me very happy and content in a part of my soul I can't even explain to myself.

You have to find that one person that makes you just absolutely want to give your entire persona over to. To share every thought, dream, desire, past, present and future, with. And all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. You crave to stay with that person, not because of what they can give you monetarily, but for the feelings they give you. Sure, you want to know you are taken care of, and I am in every way.

I will say that being a slave is not something I wanted to be, it is just what I am naturally. It took the right Master to bring it out in me to the extent that it is and there is no better feeling I have ever experienced.

Why would I choose the path I am on and the type of relationship I have?
Life, choices, and having the courage to change have paved the path I have walked. Fate and a huge amount of luck, brought me and Padrone together since we lived half a world apart. I have always believed that the man is the head of the household and that the woman should be submissive to her man. Now, I don't believe this to be true for everyone. Most women today do their own thing. They have their own beliefs, they work, own their own homes, and raise kids by themselves. I simply am not wired that way. My own mom is a strong woman and definitely does not have the same beliefs I do. Why am I so 'old fashioned' in my beliefs? I have no idea. You might chalk it up to being how my brain is wired, the type of person I am, or how my very nature is. I have no idea. It just is the way I believe and live.

I was introduced to the world of BDSM and concepts of D/s over 20 years ago. I was a very impressionable young adult, still a teenager by actual age, but the age of consent. After that, I was just drawn to D/s as a lifestyle. I finally realized the ultimate relationship I had always dreamed of in being blessed with a Master that fits my submissive perfectly.

How can I allow a man to make all my decisions and put so many restrictive rules in place over me?
The first thing I need to emphasize is that yes, it is my decision to give up all control. I make that decision every time I follow a rule, guideline, perform a task, or ask Padrone to make a decision about something that concerns me. But, for me, the more rules I have, the more restrictive Padrone is and the more decisions he makes for me, gives me a feeling of freedom, safety, protection, absolute trust and unconditional love. I know that he would never put a rule in place to aggravate or harm me, or because he had a fit of jealousy. The rules I have were put in place because of many factors, most having to do with my epilepsy and the affects it has on my life.

The results of our relationship, having such trust, care and rules have actually made my epilepsy much better. I have less seizures and symptoms. I have more up time and good feelings. I am almost in a perpetual state of happiness because I am so lucky to have been chosen by Padrone to be his.

I can't say that we have not had our ups and downs, because of course, we have. But I can tell you that over the past 16 months, we have grown closer together and I have bloomed and feel freer now than I ever have in my life.

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Michelle Fegatofi

D/s is possible 24/7.

It takes work and patience, trust, open communication and knowing each other very well. I am a slave and I always remember my status and place. In any situation, I always think about how Padrone would guide me. Padrone never forgets his responsibilities in having a slave.

The life as a 24/7 slave is what I have always wanted. It is a part of my very nature, to serve and please my Padrone. For Him to have very strict control on me shows I am very loved and cared for. With all of the rules in place and restrictions I have, Padrone does that very well.

Living in a D/s relationship is extremely interesting and at times very challenging. You really do have to change your whole way of thinking, and of how you look at life. When I first began talking to Padrone, I didn't think that I would end up being collared by Him, let alone become His life partner and move in with Him as His slave. However, as time went on, it became obvious to us both, that what we have is something rare and special, and though it may not be everyone’s idea of paradise, for us, it is a winning combination.

A lot of people in the Lifestyle may think that living in a 24/7 would be the ultimate, and for me it is. But, there are many speed bumps to be negotiated along the way. The simple act of living together is difficult enough in a vanilla relationship, but when the relationship is D/s, it brings a whole new set of conditions to adjust to. For example, in a vanilla relationship, the decision about where things are put becomes a joint one - a discussion between two people about what looks or works best. In our relationship, Padrone decides what goes where. I can, and do, respectfully suggest things, and sometimes my suggestions are taken up, but in the end, the final say is Padrone’s.

The way I look at my life is very different now. Getting my head around some things has taken time, but I am secure and confident and know exactly who and what I am, and I am totally comfortable with it. At home, things are very relaxed and we do normal things like laugh and joke around, or watch TV. The basis for our relationship is D/s and no matter what situation we are in, I never, ever forget that He is Padrone and I am slave. There is a lot more D/s going on than most people would realize. A glance, a certain tone in His voice, a certain movement or a simple request for a cup of coffee may all seem like normal things, but the way it’s done leaves no doubt in my mind just who is in control.

I believe there is difference between D/s and BDSM. D/s is the show or feel of Dominance and submission. There is service and outward respect and obedience shown. The BDSM part to me is the bondage, the playing, the pain, the S&M. The D/s is constant. The Dominance and submission is evident in our relationship, but in a way that is unobtrusive. The D/s part can be shown without lots of people thinking much of it or noticing it. Some examples would be in the way I always walk slightly behind Padrone or that he always leads me by my hand whenever we are in public.

We do have our disagreements every once in a while, just like any other relationship, but the boundaries are more clearly defined and there is a more consistent feeling all the time. I am secure in the knowledge that Padrone loves me, that I am owned by Him, and I know that fact will never change or waiver no matter what happens.

So does what we have make our relationship a 24/7 D/s one? I feel that it is and I know that Padrone does too. There is no time when I feel that I am not His and that is reflected in my acceptance of His collar and he in accepting me as His. I do not think that a 24/7 D/s relationship must reflect one which represents level 9 of submission. I personal do not feel that that is possible. However, I do feel that the level to which we have taken our relationship is possible to maintain every day. 

So, whether you choose to label your relationship as a D/s, M/s, or simple BDSM one, it can be maintained 24/7 to a certain degree at all times. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Introducing BDSM International's First Contest!

Ever want to show your sexy Dominant or submissive side off to the world? You can do it for fun or to get appreciated by fellow fans of the sites. Inbox me your photos at https://www.facebook.com/BdsmInternational and I will post them Here and on my Twitter, Pinterest, Google + pages, Tumblr and BDSMUnveiled blogs.

bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com

www.facebook.com/MichelleFegatofi

www.facebook.com/BDSMInternational

https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/112450374015048658322

http://michellefegatofi.tumblr.com/

https://twitter.com/MFegatofi

http://pinterest.com/BdsmUnveiled/ 

Contest:

1.       You have until Saturday, December 23, 2012 at Midnight Pacific Coast Time to get your pictures in. Pictures received after this date will not be eligible.

2.       I will post all pictures on Thursday, December 27, 2012 to the above mentioned blogs and let the fans of each blog pick the winner by the number of likes received.

3.       Voting will start then and close Saturday, January 12, 2013. Once all likes are tallied from each blog, the winners will be announced and highlighted on our BDSM International Facebook page.

4.       Winners from each of my blogs will receive an electronic copy of my first book BDSM for Beginners by Michelle Fegatofi.

Rules:

1.       Must be 18 years old or older.  

2.       By sending in your pictures, you automatically give BDSM International the right to publish them on all the pages and blogs listed above and agree to the contest rules.

3.       Original Amateur Picture taken of yourself. None off the internet.

4.       The pictures must be 800 x 600 in size or larger.

5.       Color or Black and white accepted.

6.       NO COMPLETE NUDES, MUST BE WEARING AT LEAST A THONG AND NO NIPPLES SHOWING, GENITALS MUST BE COVERED.

Subject matter or pose must be of a BDSM nature and include entire body and only ONE person per picture. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

So, many of you have been very curious about my experiences as a real life 24/7 slave.

I am pretty open to who and what I am and believe. I always share my own experiences when I think they will help others. So, today's post is about me. I hate talking about myself but, with the amount of questions I have gotten, here goes!

I won't go into my past much, because I see the past as the past, and it is better left right were it is. Of course, it helped shape me into the person I am today, but the person I am today is so much different than I was 2 years ago.

I was at a point in my life where I was completely unhappy, with my work, my relationships, everything. I hated it. I was not in an environment that allowed me to be myself, the true me. I think I had lost the true me, my core self, many years before, because I had to hide who I was from everyone for so long.

I decided to get back in touch with my BDSM submissive roots. I had been trained for 2 1/2 years as a Gorean kajira, starting at the age of 19. Life intervened and I lost touch with BDSM and submission for many years.

I started reading and getting back into the scene via the internet around 1998. There wasn't much of a presence on the net as there is now, but it was there. I participated in many forums and advice columns as well as mentoring new people that had no clue where to start their own journey. Just as I was finding myself again, life intervened and my BDSM activities were put on hold. Over the next several years, career, kids, cancer and epilepsy, as well as the other normal trappings of life kept me away from the scene. I was lost once again.

I decided about 5 years ago that I could not continue living in that box society had forced me into. I had to break free of the shell I was being forced to live in. I felt like a walking zombie in much of my normal day to day life. I was only going through the motions of living, but not enjoying life. There is a HUGE difference from being alive and living your life.

My heart stopped beating on two occasions and I actually was dead, but was brought back. This was due to epilepsy and other circumstances. I also dealt with cancer and won. All of these things happening to me in a relatively short period of time was a HUGE wake up call. I had to get my life back on track and find my way back to being happy. I knew that BDSM, being a submissive, serving a Master that would allow me to be myself was the only way that I could be me and be happy. But, I was in a bad marriage and had two kids. How could I possibly participate in BDSM?

I found cyber BDSM again. I started devouring everything I could read on the scene, remembering my training and the feelings it brought me, of peace and comfort and joy. I started interacting with others in the same boat as myself and together, we helped each other relearn and regain our submissive sides. They had actually never been lost, just put away and forgotten, until we had a chance to bring them out again. I started participating in real life activities again, not sexual, but just around the scene to regain my sense of the Lifestyle.

So, after a while, I met a wonderful, smart, funny man that happened to live half a world away. He had so much wonderful advice and was so caring. He was never overbearing and you could tell, just by speaking to him, he was a natural Dominant. I talked to him and got to know him for several months before becoming his cyber slave in April of 2011.

During my time as his cyber slave, he had many rules that I had to follow. He was very flexible though and understanding because he knew I had to maintain a balance between my real life duties as well as my cyber activities. And sometimes balancing them is very hard. So over the months, we video and phone chatted, IM'd and emailed. I had as much contact with him as I could. I could never get enough. He was the one person that I felt I could just be myself. I instinctively knew I could tell him anything and he would not judge me. I completely opened up and told him about my entire life, past, present and future, wants, needs desires, hurts, dreams... Everything.

Well, in August of 2011, he flew to the USA and I returned with him to Italy, where I have been and remain very happily his 24/7 slave.

I have grown so much in the past 1 1/2 years. I have learned to be myself again. With all of the structure, rules, and guidance that Padrone had built into our ever evolving relationship, I have never felt more safe, loved, protected, cared for, or happy in my life. We have a completely open and honest, two way communication that is the very foundation of our BDSM life. We practice more the M/s part of BDSM than the S&M, but it does govern every part of our lives. I always wear my collar, everywhere I go, with or without Him. I always follow the rules he has given me, and I know the type of answer he would give in situations that might come up in which I need to make a decision.

The form my slavery takes is perhaps different from what many of you think about BDSM slavery. I have many rules, about what I can or can't wear, who I can talk to, when and where I am allowed to go, when to check in when I am out, how long I can be out of the house, and many many more. But, he has given me rules that he knows that make me feel good, happy and safe. He knows without any doubts that I will follow them always. He also knows that if I do slip up and forget something, like to make coffee for him before he wakes up, there is always a reason.

He doesn't punish me for mistakes I make, because they are usually not intentional and are related to side effects from the epilepsy. When would he punish me? I would say he would punish me harshly if I ever do something deliberately, like speak to people on purpose that I'm not supposed to, or start drama, or break some other rule on purpose he has put in place.

Many of you will be thinking at this point that without punishment or correction, that I can't learn from my mistakes. But I do. See, he does correct me. But it's in the form of actual correction and guidance. When I make a mistake, he will show me how to do it correctly. If I make mistakes because my epilepsy is acting up, then he will stand right beside me and tell me step by step how to do whatever the task is that I need to do. This type of correction, for me, reassures me that I am not stupid, but also helps me feel even more loved and protected and accepted by Padrone.

With this kind of Dominating or Mastering, I have grown back into the person I always wanted to be. I have gotten more in touch with myself deeply and know me very well. I don't hide anything from anyone anymore because I feel safe to be me and with Padrone as my Master and life partner, I feel safe to be me.

He has encouraged me to take up writing again because he knows it's a passion of mine. He also knows how much I enjoy helping others in anyway I can, so that's why I started my blogs.

I hope this answers many of your questions and helps you understand a little more about me and my background, as well as the way Padrone and I choose to practice a BDSM lifestyle.

Remember, there really is no right or wrong, and no handbook to BDSM. It's all a matter of consensual, knowledgeable decisions and the way you and your partner interpret BDSM.

Have fun, read, explore and stay safe!

Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

I came across these pictures of people deforming their bodies with corsets and surgery. Share your thoughts. What do you think of this idea of beauty? Do you like or dislike? Would you do it? 

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Michelle Fegatofi

I got a lot of feedback from the post I did about the softer side of BDSM.
There are many people out there that either do not like the S&M of BDSM, or just don't practice it. These relationships could be called simple D/s or a Taken In Hand type of relationship.

First, I’m not drawing a distinction between 24/7 D/s and M/s relationships, because I find that different people use the terms in overlapping ways. I’m talking about relationships that involve a full-time power hierarchy. For me, that means relationships in which the two (or more) people involved always relate to one another from a power-based dynamic, and that this dynamic extends outside the time that the people spend in one another’s presence.

There is a distinction between fantasy and reality. 24/7 relationships happen when you’re doing it for reasons beyond orgasm (even if arousal and orgasm are a big, or even essential, part of the draw). This is not a huge ongoing role-play scenario. It’s an intensification of the power-based parameters in which you live your everyday life. If you simply try to extend a role-play scenario into your entire relationship, you’ll find that the narrow parameters of a persona or character are simply not big enough to encompass who you are, and need to be, every hour of every day. 

24/7 is not about restricting yourself to a specific set of characteristics the way you can for an hour or two in a scene. It’s about bringing all of who you are to the table and offering it within a full-spectrum relationship. That means you’re doing it regardless of what you’re wearing (leather, work drag, bunny slippers…) and where you are (bedroom, dungeon, airport, family dinner) and what you’re doing (having sex, working, eating breakfast, hanging out with friends). Yes, this means you may need to find ways to scale up and down the overt visibility of your relationship. No, it does not mean you’re turning it on or off at will. A lot of the classic “it’s just play” concepts that you might hear in a BDSM 101 workshop are going to go right out the window here because what you are doing is not a scene. It comes with a whole different – related, but different – psychology.

Being in a hurry has probably brought on more heartaches than any single thing we hear about when discussing failed relationships. Those submissive urges can be very strong and sometimes overpower common sense unless you really keep things from getting out of hand. Without first building a foundation of love, trust and respect, there isn't much hope of any relationship succeeding, especially a D/s one. Searching for the Dominant of your dreams is pretty much like dating in the vanilla world but with an added twist. You will have to trust this person with your life and well-being. You have to really know this person and I personally do not believe this can happen before you have had several months on which to base your judgment. Don't be afraid to ask for references from people he/she knows in the lifestyle. If this creates a problem because you did ask, I'd consider the possibility that this person has something to hide.

Not fully understanding your limits and the things expected in this lifestyle can lead to some serious problems that can be easily avoided. Learn all you can about D/s and yourself. Make checklist of activities with your potential dominant and find out what things do and do not interest you. You have the right and obligation to honestly express your feelings on activities within this lifestyle. No one likes or needs them all and keeping your real feelings hidden will only lead to problems later. Keep in mind that dominants have limits too. For a relationship to be satisfying and healthy it has to be based on mutual interests and goals.

Communicating effectively is more than just talking. You have to be able to voice your concerns, hopes, needs, dreams, disappointments, and hurts as well as all the positive emotions you so willingly share. Remember it's also listening to what is said and the way it's said. Gestures, facial expressions and body language often say more than words. Learning some better communication skills is always a good investment for your future. A great deal of the dynamics of a D/s relationship hinges on you openly sharing your fantasies and fears. If there is something that's causing you to be anxious or has left you unfulfilled, it's your duty to communicate this to your dominant. The same applies for the things that have given you pleasure or satisfaction. You have to share what's happening inside that submissive head and heart. Remember, even the best dominant is not a mind reader.

Intense power relationships will bring you face to face with whatever issues you need to work on. Your ability to sustain your D/s relationship depends on you and your partner’s willingness to deal with them, and your mutual willingness to deal with theirs. Hint: if the same thing keeps going wrong in every relationship, you don’t just need to find the right person; you need to change yourself. At the same time as you both commit to working on yourselves, you also need to find a way to balance this with a commitment to accepting each other as you are. While you can work on specific things, and while major change does take place sometimes, you cannot fundamentally change a person into something they are not, and you certainly can’t expect major change to happen quickly or exactly as you’d like it to. So don’t enter into a 24/7 relationship if your happiness is going to be dependent on a radical or immediate personality shift on the others’ part.

D/s relationships are intense. Have I mentioned that? They are intense, soul-searching relationships that affect every moment of every day. The kind of exploration and self-revelation that so often comes with D/s can make you go a bit nuts if you have no outside support. That support can take many forms:

Participation in a kink community can be incredibly helpful — it can provide relationship models for you to look at and learn from or discard as needed. Even if everyone around you does their kink differently than you do, that can help you better understand who you are (and are not) and what you’re doing (and not doing).

Reading, workshops, discussion groups, and any number of other educational resources can similarly give you ideas to chew on, frameworks that may or may not work for you, and language to help you understand and express what you’re getting up to.

And last but not least, friends you can talk to about D/s. Non-kinky (but kink-friendly) friends are a great start, because the kind of challenges that come up in D/s are often similar to those in any other relationship. But frequently enough, D/s relationship issues will also have a character all their own, and even the most open-minded or well-intentioned vanilla friend may have a hard time truly getting it. It can be extremely helpful to build friendships with fellow D/s practitioners so you can offer each other a supportive shoulder when needed. Hint: Don’t wait until you need help… start building those friendships right away, and make sure you offer your own listening ear.

A brief caution: a classic warning sign that a D/s relationship is not so healthy is when one of the partners tells the other not to talk about it with anyone else, or not to participate in community. Of course you want to maintain basic respect for each other and your relationship – airing your dirty laundry for all to see, or trashing your partner loudly at a play party, is just not classy. But having one or two trusted friends to turn to in times of trouble can be essential and a wise dominant will encourage the submissive to seek out support rather than discouraging it.

Patience takes a long time to build in great depth, and often is the Dominant’s job is to hold back, not to rush forward. Taking on responsibility for another human being in a polarized power situation is simply not something that’s wise to do quickly or carelessly. Take your time. Learn what you need to learn about yourself, about them, about how to do this well and feel good about it. Don’t extend past your own limits because you feel pressure to do it all right-now-tout-de-suite. I do say that it’s often the dominant’s job to hold back, because sometimes a submissive can be gung-ho and champing at the bit while their dominant is feeling overwhelmed and struggling to hold tight.

Lastly, it takes continued work, communication, and an open willingness to continuously adapt to make a long lasting and loving D/s relationship work and grow stronger. We choose to be open to everyone about the fact we live a 24/7 BDSM or D/s lifestyle. It makes it much easier on us. Many of our vanilla friends do not understand and others have simply stopped talking to us. We are ok with that. Because for us, we are most happy being ourselves and being open with who we are. But, it is up to you and your partner to determine how much you let your vanilla friends know. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Ok, I don't normally post stuff like this, but a funny poem came to me when I was listening to a Dolemite sound-byte on Youtube.
Hope you laugh and enjoy!

Dominant, submissive, slave, or switch,

We all just a kinky son of a bitch….

Whips and chains, crops and hands too,

Gonna whip that ass, til it turns blue…

Leather and Latex and collars galore,

Got grown ass men kneeling on the floor…

People in chains or tied with some rope,

Somebody just bent over and got a pussy grope…

Swings, crosses, stocks and tables,

People using all kinds of props if they able…

What is this thing called that we don’t practice just on a whim?

It’s safe, sane and consensual... BDSM.

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Michelle Fegatofi

The light in your eyes always shines so bright,

Even during the darkest part of the night.

The light in your heart is always burning bright for me,

The light in your soul warms me up in ways I never knew could be.

The warmth of your arms keep me snuggled close and safe,

The heat of your breath on my neck reminds me, I'm protected in your warm embrace.

The warmth of your heart is all I will ever need,

That warmth that makes me crave to always follow your lead.

That smile that you send my way when you think I'm not aware,

Shows me how deeply you love me and how much you really care.

That laugh that is so full and loud and used to be so rare,

Oh how I love hearing you laugh so robust with no cares!

Though teasing and jokes and playfulness are plentiful,

You become my rock when I’m sick and treat me so careful.

You caresses my head and worry when I'm not well

You hold me tight and tell me not to dwell.

The love I see from those gorgeous green eyes,

The love we share, that anyone looking spies.

All of these things make you so wonderful and dear

And I will forever hold you close and keep you near.

You are buried deep inside my heart and deep inside my soul, I will never again be empty nor ever feel old.

The kind of love I carry for you, makes me feel forever young, As the hands of time tick by, my soul will remember the song it sung.

My love is lasting, it is forever and it is true.

It's that once in a lifetime love, that always shines through.

Through distance or separation, truly through anything that may be.

My love for you will never falter, for my love and soul is yours for eternity.

by Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

Many people today meet online, vanilla and BDSMers alike. On the internet, you tend to feel safer and more comfortable when chatting with different people you might be interested in. Sometimes we forget about safety, however. Today's post stress that importance and gives you some tips to think about before setting up that first meeting. If you have any more tips to share, please do! 

In BDSM like in anything else in real life, there are people that are in the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. For those of us in the Lifestyle, trust cannot be bought with money. The only way build trust is through discussion, negotiation and time. If a partner wants money or expensive gifts up front, beware! If you want to pay for services (being dominated or Dominating), go see a professional Dominant. Do not discuss any financial matters until you have established trust and a solid relationship. If you find a good partner, and you build trust between you, make it a pleasant surprise that you are wealthy. If you flash your money before you build that trust, you will find a partner, but he or she may be with you for the wrong reasons.

The biggest danger is physical harm and/or death. Not everyone is out to hurt and kill people, but some people are. Most meetings go very well, but the dangers are very real. Submissive women are often seen as easy prey because their submissive nature can be manipulated to allow for abuse by someone who knows how. Physical vulnerability can be easily utilized by an unscrupulous person and either permanently physically harm you, or outright kill you.  Make sure you have gotten references about the person you are meeting and checked them BEFORE you meet.

Don't ignore basic safety measures. There are people out there who are simply predators, and the person you are meeting may be wonderful online and the phone, but admit you don't really know him, and protect yourself until you do. Never divert from your planned itinerary on a first meeting. You planned that schedule so people could find you...if you leave it, they can't. Stay where you said you would be, when you set up your security, and resist, to the point of running away, any attempt by your partner to take you away.

Inform a close friend of where you will be and with whom. Give your friend a good description of the person you are meeting in case this is needed by authorities later. Give them the make, model and license plate number of car the person you are meeting will be driving. Leave a copy of this information out in a very visible area in your home as well, just in case it is needed by authorities later.

Set up safe calls with your friend. These are set times that you are supposed to call your friend and let them know that you are all right. If you miss your set time to call, the safe person should attempt to reach you, if they cannot, then they should be instructed to call the authorities. This goes for both doms and subs.

Numerous articles have been written about this where to meet. Every single article will stress the importance of safety. The choice of the place to meet should be during daylight hours in a public venue, where both people feel safe and at ease. Choose a restaurant or a coffee shop. You will be able to have some kind of privacy sitting at a table while you still are among people. If you choose a restaurant, make it not too expensive, but again, avoid greasy spoon places or restaurant chains (too many kids and commotion for a good discussion). A quiet, not too expensive place should do.

DO NOT PLAY! On the first real life meeting, you want to take the time to get to know your potential partner. Playing will only satisfy a sexual urge and may cloud your judgment. Realistically, many people do play on the first meeting. It is similar to the "one night stand" of vanilla relationships. Some people are only looking for a one night stand and not a committed relationship. Be sure that your desires for the relationship match your prospective partners. If play is a possibility, a play list or scene negotiation form should be used.

Remember, most meetings go very well, but there have been some incidences where the meetings did not go well and someone got hurt and/or killed. You are solely responsible for your own safety in these situations. Use common sense and you will find meeting people to be a more pleasurable experience. 

- Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

Original Submissive Prayer by Michelle Fegatofi

I give You my body, to do with what You may

I give you my mind, that will always do as You say.

I give you my trust, to keep me protected from all

I give you my heart, to keep and surround if I ever fall.

I promise you my loyalty, I will never stray from your side

I promise you my honesty, Nothing from you will I ever hide.

I give you my soul, for only you can make me fly higher

I give you my freedom, to keep chained as long as you desire.

I give you me, All that I am, All that I will ever be.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I was inspired to write something that describes how my Padrone (Master) makes me feel. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Share if you like!

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Michelle Fegatofi

This is a piece I wrote on my Facebook page about three months ago.

I have had a lot of questions lately about the hard parts and sexual parts of BDSM. So, I decided to expand this article in hopes to help enlighten the new people that either don't know about the softer side of BDSM or might not understand it. Feel free to leave your thoughts on the subject.

In mainstream society, a teddy bear is used for comfort. We sleep with them, cuddle them, and when we were kids, felt like we were safe at night, because Teddy was watching over us. When you look at this picture, you might think "that's cute" or "what does a teddy bear have to do with BDSM?". I see a pictorial view of a different side of the Lifestyle, a view that represents the mental and emotional connection of D/s. 

BDSM is most often portrayed in a very harsh and almost sinister way in pictures and videos of women in bondage, gagged and being flogged or whipped. With these kinds of images as the results from internet searches, it's no wonder that many people think bad about the Lifestyle. 

Mainstream media never focuses on the softer side of BDSM. They don't understand and can't relate to the feelings a Dom and slave/sub have for one another. They will never understand or focus on how the Dom takes care of and protects His/Her sub. They will never know, write about, or show a Dom cuddling his sub after a scene or after making love. They won't show the adoration, love, and complete devotion a sub/slave feels for the Dominant. If they showed that, well, BDSM might become more acceptable to 'Vanilla People' (horror of horrors).

There are many erotica books for sale now, such as the 50 Shades Trilogy, that are based on the writer's perspective of BDSM. People buy these books/eBooks by the 100's and get only the view of BDSM is nothing but sex, bondage, and punishments. These are all based on fantasy and not reality. There are so many ways to have a BDSM based relationship, I encourage you to read and research real BDSM blogs and books on the subject and not base what you think you may know about BDSM on the erotica, fantasy books. 

As a community, we all have our fetishes, kinks, and preferred method of practicing BDSM. Most images I find depict the sub/slave bound, restrained and gagged or being flogged. These images are beautiful and I admit I have a fetish for a woman in collar and leash myself. But, I have never come across a picture that, to me, does such an awesome job of interpreting the softer, non-sexual part of BDSM. 

I love the sex portion, but nothing can compare with the feelings of love, devotion, service, protection, structure, guidance and acceptance I get from my Padrone, being His live-in, real life, 24/7 slave.

Share your thoughts if you wish!

Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

I have been asked by many about different ways to punish unruly or misbehaving subs, when a Dominant should punish their sub and when they should be lenient.

Every BDSM relationship is different, so remember,  thoughts on punishments different greatly from couple to couple. Culture, age, and personality all play into the way people see punishment. Below is a mixture of my view on punishment as well as a generalization of what I have read on other blogs and in books about their feelings on the subject.

My Padrone and I have the same thoughts and beliefs when it comes to punishment and hence practice this in our real life, live in, 24/7 Master / slave relationship. Punishment should only be given if a sub deliberately starts or causes trouble or breaks rules that were put in place for her safety. Punishment should doled out all the time because it can have lasting affects on the sub's mental and emotional well being. If you punish a sub for every slight infraction, it can start to make that sub feel worthless, instead of having the opposite effect of making them perform better.

For the 'to punish or not to punish' question, that is entirely up to the Dominant. If you know your sub has difficulties when performing certain tasks for you, but she does perform them to the best of her ability, I would say that you should be understanding and encourage her to keep trying her best. If you punish her for not being able to perform perfectly on the first or even third try, but you see that she has improved, even slightly, then punishing her for not being perfect will just add to the aggravation and disappointment she already feels inside herself.


As a true submissive, she will most likely be feeling like she has let her Dominant down by not performing the task perfectly as he asked. I will use myself as an example of this. I have epilepsy and it does have a long lasting effect on my memory. There are days when I am very slow or something as routine as the steps for making coffee are difficult for me to remember. My Padrone knows me so well and is so in tune with me that he recognizes when I am in one of these 'zones'. I have given him a cup of hot water before because I forgot to add the actual coffee to the machine! He did not punish me or yell, he actually made me feel better because I felt really stupid and was very hard on myself. He helped me laugh about it, went with me back to the machine and told me step by step what to do so that it was still my task to do, but he guided me in my time of need. There are many other examples and stories I could share, but you can see what I mean when I say punishment should fit the circumstances.

Now, if you give your sub a task like having dinner on the table when you get home from work and you find a sandwich when you were expecting a four course meal, you have to stop and think about the actual wording of the order. Did you just tell her to 'have dinner ready and on the table' by the time you get home? Or, did you say 'I want steak and mashed potatoes on the table' by the time I get home? When you give an order or task, make sure you do so in precise wording and are not vague, so there can be no misunderstandings. The more vague you are with a task or command, the more room for interpretation there is for the sub.

If your sub tends to be lazy and take the easiest way out when left with a vague order, I suggest you give her very precise orders where there is little or no room for interpretation. If she tends to be an overachiever or always exceeds your vague orders, then you are safe to continue, as you know she will always meet and beat your commands.

There are subs that love punishment or love to get punished, so they will constantly do things to make their Dominant angry and receive punishment. If you have one of these subs, I suggest you re-evaluate your relationship and how your punishment system works.

There are many different forms of punishment for both real life and cyber submissives. The main thing to remember is the point of punishment. When given, it should be done in a way to ensure the sub knows inside herself why she is being punished. It should also be done in some form or way that the submissive does not like.

As forms of punishments, a Dominant may ground, isolate, assign essays or line writing, time outs, have the slave kneel on ice/rice/pebbles, control what the sub eats, where they sleep, where they sit, or institute speech restrictions. There are many more forms of punishment, but these are the most widely used. If you notice, I left off spanking and flogging, as many subs are masochists and see these as not a form of punishment but a form of reward. So they will continue to act out just to get spanked more. 

Specific Unpleasant Chore

This can include things such as cleaning the stove, cleaning blinds and windows, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, detailing a car, etc. The Dominant can make a list of chores and rotate through them to avoid re-cleaning a recently cleaned item. Chores assigned as punishments should not include chores that are part of the submissives normal duties. It is important to distinguish normal chores from '"punishment chores" or the submissive may start to view all chores as punishment

Sleeping On The Floor (or somewhere other then normal sleep arrangements)

This punishment is can be effective for dealing with a submissive that has become too vanilla in manner. Because of social conditioning this punishment tends to stress the position of the submissive relative to the Dominant.

Standing In A Corner

This is an old standard. It gives the submissive time to think about the infraction. The length of time can vary from few minutes to an hour or more. It is suggested that the Dominant try this punishment for themselves, to get a sense of how difficult this punishment may or may not be for the length of time in question.

 

Writing Assignments Of Some Specific Length

This punishment is helpful when the Dominant wants the submissive to think about or research a subject. It is recommended that this punishment be used intermittently rather then regularly to keep the act of writing from taking on a negative connotation.

Kneeling On A Hard Surface

This is a very classic punishment that combines giving the submissive time to think about the infraction with mild physical discomfort. If the length of time to kneel will exceed 20 minutes it is recommended that a full 5 minute break be given after every 20 minutes. Kneeling for too long on a hard surface can cause nerve damage. It is also good to keep in mind that some submissives may not be able to kneel 20 minutes because of physical considerations. It may be that some submissives need to do cycles of 10 minutes of kneeling and 5 minutes of rest.

Kneeling On Uncooked Rice

Kneeling on a hard surface can be made more severe by dropping a handful of uncooked rice on the floor where the submissive is going to kneel. Once the time period is done, the submissive can be instructed to clean up the rice as part of bringing the punishment to a close. This is another punishment where is suggested the Dominant try it for themselves to get a feel of the punishment. The same cautions and time limits apply to this as when kneeling without the rice. The Dominant should also be aware that the rice sometimes causes marking of the skin. Lastly, do not use instant rice as it crumbles and defeats the purpose of using rice.

Food Restrictions

Obviously some common sense is required with using food restrictions as punishment. Being sent to bed without dinner is certainly not going to cause a healthy individual any harm. However, denying a diabetic food after they took their insulin could result in death. One suggested way to use food restrictions is to deny the submissive sweets for a period of time (days/weeks) as a punishment.

Restriction Of Computer, TV Privileges, Etc.

Restriction of recreational access to things such as the computer or TV can be useful motivators when they can be enforced. The restriction can be total, where the submissive is not allowed any access to the items, or it can be limited to a certain amount of time. There is a wide range of options under this heading.

Cold Shower

A brief cold shower can be used as a rather impressive punishment. There are several points to keep in mind when using this as a punishment. First, tap water varies in temperature depending on the time of year. A small difference in temperature makes a huge difference in the severity of the punishment. Next, it is important to define what is meant by "short". Less then 5 minutes is generally quite safe for any fit person; however, 30 seconds can be quite attention getting. This is another 'try it before you use' it type of punishment.

Send The Submissive To A Room By Themselves

This one generally speaks for itself. It gives time for calming down and for reflecting. This is often a good choice when the Dom wants to avoid adding stress to a situation.

Grounding

Being restricted to home can be a relatively effective and low stress punishment. External factors greatly affect the harshness of being restricted to home. This means that the same punishment is more or less severe depending on what else is going on in the submissive's life at the time. Being restricted when one has already bought tickets to a concert is more significant then being restricted when one has no plans.

Speech Restrictions

Speech restrictions can range from requiring the submissive to speak in third person to requiring the submissive to not speak at all for a period of time. When silence is used as a punishment it is helpful to have the submissive carry around a notebook and pen so they can convey necessary information. Requiring a submissive to speak in third person is an effective way to make the submissive aware of self-centered behavior. Many times a submissive may not be aware of how just often they refer to their own opinions and desires in casual speech.

Public Apology

Apologizing in a public forum stresses humility. The Dominant must carefully consider the reaction of those who are going to hear the apology.

Financial Penalties - Allowance Restrictions

If the Dominant controls the finances in the relationship restricting spending money can be used as a punishment. This is same as a parent withholding allowance and generally works best over shorter terms such as a week to a month. When it becomes longer then a month the punishment starts to become the norm.

Lecture

A good old-fashioned lecture can be an effective punishment. The lecture should include what specifically was wrong with the submissive's behavior and why it was wrong. The lecture should also include what the submissive should have done under the circumstance and why. If the submissive is required to maintain a physically stressful position during the lecture (such as kneeling) then the Dominant must also keep in mind cautions associated with the physical position such as time limits.

Dominant Expressing Anger

As odd as it may sound to some, the simple expression that the Dominant is angry at the submissive often carries a fair amount of punishment value. However, a fair number of submissives are inclined to view criticism and/or the expression of anger as an indication that the Dominant does not care about them. This can be nightmare of a problem and it is one that Dominants should always keep in mind.

So, in closing, always keep safety in mind, as well as the purpose of the punishment. Make sure the punishment fits the crime, it is a punishment that the sub does not like, and the lesson will be learned without lasting mental, emotional, or physical harm.

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Michelle Fegatofi

If you are exploring BDSM on the Internet, chances are at some point, you will be drawn into the world of message boards, chat rooms, and online D/s. Online D/s is perhaps one of the most controversial subjects in the Dominance and submission community. 

As in any vanilla relationship, a cyber BDSM LDR requires commitment, honesty and time from all participants. It requires an active imagination

and a bit of extra work to keep the power exchange that a BDSM relationship requires, in place. The Dominant can maintain that feeling of submission in his submissive using daily rituals, rules and by assigning tasks. The submissive can do their part to keep the power exchange healthy through dedication and obedience. Imagination, creativity and attention become extremely important here. A dominant who neglects the submissive because they are LDR, will soon find himself without a submissive. The same goes for the submissive.

Why choose a BDSM LDR? Many of enter online relationships because they are in a community with a small to no D/s presence. Others do so because they are in real life relationships with a vanilla partner that has no inclination of wanting to explore BDSM in any shape or form. As long as the Dominant or submissive is fully honest with all of their partners, these types of relationships can be quite successful. Some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission, to see if it’s something that they may be interested in for a real time experience.

A cyber relationship, in my experience, can indeed be very real. I base this on personal experience as well as knowledge of other people in relationships of that nature. The mind is the largest sexual organ in humans. Cyber interactions deal directly with the mind. Because of this, one can create a mental and emotional bond much faster online.

It also offers a sense of anonymity that allows people to open up faster and deeper than they would in a face to face conversation. This enhances the feeling of emotional closeness to the person you are interacting with and strengthens the mental bond. This bond is very real to the one who feels it. A relationship is highly individual. Being yourself and not creating all of these fake worlds and backgrounds is an absolute necessity to make a cyber BDSM LDR work. If you have little or no experience in parts of BDSM in reality, then it is most difficult to discuss how you might react to something. This should be made known to your partner. By hiding your lack of experience, you set yourself and your partner up for some serious hurt.

It is easy to get lost in the fantasy part of cyber BDSM. It is also dangerous to believe that everything that happens during cyber sex or scenes, are an exact replica of what would happen in real life. Just because you kneel in cyber, does not mean you can do it in reality. Or just because you can type that you flogged someone, doesn't mean you have the experience or knowledge to actually do so in real life. It is important to keep the fantasy part of cyber interactions separated from the reality part.

With a little effort and lots of honesty and commitment and cyber BDSM relationship can be rewarding and enjoyable for those involved. Keep it real and those rewards and enjoyment become even greater.

Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

Online, you will find a lot of people that give themselves the title Dominant-Master / Domme-Mistress or take on a cyber persona imitating that of famous ancient sadists.
Does that mean that they are real Dominants? Do they have the internal character makeup of what I term as a True Dominant? Or are they just bullies, players, and wannabes? I will explore this more in depth with this article. Let me state, I am not pointing out any group in particular, I am just expressing what I see as the traits that a natural, true Dominant exhibits. You are welcome to express any views you may have that support or differ from mine in the comments section, if you wish.

For a submissive, finding an appropriate Dominant partner is something that should be approached with a great deal of thought. Just because a man is dominant does not mean he will make a good Dominant. There are several traits a submissive needs to look for in a potential Dominant.

But first, look deep inside yourself and decide what you want and need from a BDSM relationship. Make sure you are being realistic and not living in a fantasy if you are seeking a real life Dominant. Believe me, being chained on one position all night to a bed without being let up to pee, or kneeling on tile or hardwood on your knees for hours at the feet of your Dominant are not fun. It hurts. So, be realistic in your needs, expectations, and wants, but most of all your limits. 

The Dominant is always in control of themselves.

How can a Dominant control a submissive if he or she is unable to control him/herself? The Dominant you choose should always have control of their own life and emotions. Subs/slaves do not get turned on by whiny wannabe dominants. A Dominant that screams and shouts to get things done, is not attractive.

The Dominant sees your submission as a gift.

Submission is a gift that is given and never taken. If it is taken that is abuse and the one that takes it is not a Dominant but a bully. 

The Dominant always takes responsibility.

When you are restrained, you are depending on your Dominant's care for your safety. Ensure your Dominant knows your scene, the safety challenges and make sure you both know the safe words or hand gestures in place. A Dominant will always honor these.

A Dominant will know and accept their limitations.

False pride can be dangerous. When dealing with the life of another, as some scenes in fact do, you need to trust that your Dom knows and accepts their limitations. He does not think he is a god and above all reproach. He knows that he is only human.

A Dominant does not demand Respect.

You will automatically show basic respect for Dominants as a vanilla person shows respect for other people. As you get to know the Dominant better, you will learn to respect him more. A Dominant will not demand respect from anyone. They know they must earn your respect the same way you must earn theirs.

A Dominant is never a bully.

A Dominant will never bully you into doing something that is on your hard limits list. They don't whine, coerce, or scare you into anything. They accept your submission as a gift and honor all of your limits.

A Dominant is always Patient.

Patience is very vital for every Dominant to have. They understand that a submissive will make mistakes, especially during the first months of their relationship and training. The D/s relationship is a work in progress and never completed, but always improved.

A Dominant is Loyal.

For trust to occur, both sides of the relationship must be loyal to each other.

A Dominant must be Intelligent.

This is common sense, not a PHD in BDSM. A Dominant should know what toys are for and how they work. Anything you plan in a scene should be safe beyond question.

A Dominant should possess Humility.

Humility requires that the Dominant possess a feeling of self-worth and an understanding they are not infallible.

A Dominant will always be Honest.

The D/s relationship is based on trust. Without honesty, there is no trust and there is no relationship.

A Dominant shows Courtesy. 

A Dominant should show courtesy to peers and submissives both.

A Dominant will show Compassion.

A Dominant is Understanding and responds to your needs by knowing you and your mindset well. This means observing your actions and analyzing the motives behind those actions.

A Dominant always has Open Communication with his sub/slave.

The Dominant should have a great ability to listen, as well as speak. Honest communication is vital to the relationship between you and your potential Dominant.


I have also found this written by some unknown author on the internet that I think totally fits my vision of a True Dominant. 

Above all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all.

A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another.

A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others.

As a stern and demanding Dominant, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears; As a consummate lover, they will kiss such tears away without stepping out of character.

In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind and be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two individuals.

A Dominant is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.

A Dominant will never ask a submissive to put them before the submissive’s career or family just to satisfy their own pleasure.

To win a submissive’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, a Dominant knows they must first win the submissive’s trust.

A Dominant will show their submissive humour, kindness and warmth.

A Dominant must always show their submissive that their guidance and tutoring in knowledgeable and deserving of the submissive’s attention, that the Dominant is a person they can learn from in whom they can trust their direction.

A Dominant is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive’s honour.

A Dominant proves to their submissive that they are someone who can be leaned upon and depended upon.

When it comes time to teach their submissive a lesson in obedience, a Dominant is a strong and unyielding teacher.

A Dominant will accept no flaw; nothing less than perfection from their student.

Never does a Dominant use discipline without good reason. When they punish their submissive it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.

A Dominant is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive’s wants and needs.

A Dominant is patient, taking time to learn their submissive’s limits and knowing that as the submissive’s trust in them grows, so to will they grow.

A Dominant never has to demand ritual behaviour from their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the desire to please, not the fear of punishment.

A Dominant understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them.

A Dominant is secure enough to laugh at themselves and the absurdities of life; open-minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.

A Dominant’s tools are mind, body, spirit, soul and love.

A Dominant understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/ther. And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bonds that truly hold.

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