Michelle Fegatofi
In life we choose to walk different paths.
We might make a decision that takes us in a direction we never expected or we might make a wrong choice that leads us to a life we never wanted. But, you have to have the courage to choose a path, to make a choice. In life, it can be very scary to choose a path you've never walked before, do things that you've never done before, because you don't know the outcome. That is one of the things that makes life so wonderful to live. You never know what is around the next corner.
The journey into BDSM is very similar. There are many different styles, different forms and levels of submission, and different ways you can be dominate. One of the best things of this lifestyle is that it is ever-evolving. It's your own journey; one that you have to forge on your own or in conjunction with your partner. Once you have the basic knowledge, the possibilities are endless.
My blog, bdsmunveiled.com and many others similar to it, can guide you in different forms of the Lifestyle and inform you of how we, the writers of the blogs, live the lifestyle ourselves. We can educate you on types of play, different dynamics in relationships, toys, protocols, and many other subjects related to BDSM. It is ultimately up to the Dominate and submissive/slave to decide the dynamics, boundaries, rules and regulations of their own relationship.
The one thing you have to remember is you cannot be afraid of change. As with most things in life, relationships in BDSM can change and evolve, and hopefully yours will also. The more you learn and explore, the closer you will become to your partner and the further into submission you can get.
Some of the changes a person can go though from a loving BDSM M/s or D/s relationship is amazing. Readers have sent emails to me telling me about their own illnesses that have gotten better from living a 24/7 BDSM relationship. My own epilepsy has gotten much better over the past two years that I have been a 24/7 slave. With the right combination of rules, guidelines, and structure, it has allowed me to focus on my writing as well as to be delve deep into submission to my Padrone.
My own relationship with Padrone is ever evolving also. The longer we are together, we have grown closer. We have learned more about each other, our strengths and weaknesses, likes, morals, etc. which has allowed our own M/s relationship to deepen to a profound level.
There are items in every relationship that are steady and constant, but there are other items that are either additions or changes, such as rules, guidelines, or daily tasks around the house. The one constant that never changes and is a foundation is the trust, the love and the two way communication that we always have with each other. Those are completely 100 percent essential for any BDSM relationship to work.
So, what is the point to all this you may ask? My point is this. Be cautious in your journey, gather as much knowledge as you can, but be open to new and evolving experiences. you honestly never know what's around the next corner.
We might make a decision that takes us in a direction we never expected or we might make a wrong choice that leads us to a life we never wanted. But, you have to have the courage to choose a path, to make a choice. In life, it can be very scary to choose a path you've never walked before, do things that you've never done before, because you don't know the outcome. That is one of the things that makes life so wonderful to live. You never know what is around the next corner.
The journey into BDSM is very similar. There are many different styles, different forms and levels of submission, and different ways you can be dominate. One of the best things of this lifestyle is that it is ever-evolving. It's your own journey; one that you have to forge on your own or in conjunction with your partner. Once you have the basic knowledge, the possibilities are endless.
My blog, bdsmunveiled.com and many others similar to it, can guide you in different forms of the Lifestyle and inform you of how we, the writers of the blogs, live the lifestyle ourselves. We can educate you on types of play, different dynamics in relationships, toys, protocols, and many other subjects related to BDSM. It is ultimately up to the Dominate and submissive/slave to decide the dynamics, boundaries, rules and regulations of their own relationship.
The one thing you have to remember is you cannot be afraid of change. As with most things in life, relationships in BDSM can change and evolve, and hopefully yours will also. The more you learn and explore, the closer you will become to your partner and the further into submission you can get.
Some of the changes a person can go though from a loving BDSM M/s or D/s relationship is amazing. Readers have sent emails to me telling me about their own illnesses that have gotten better from living a 24/7 BDSM relationship. My own epilepsy has gotten much better over the past two years that I have been a 24/7 slave. With the right combination of rules, guidelines, and structure, it has allowed me to focus on my writing as well as to be delve deep into submission to my Padrone.
My own relationship with Padrone is ever evolving also. The longer we are together, we have grown closer. We have learned more about each other, our strengths and weaknesses, likes, morals, etc. which has allowed our own M/s relationship to deepen to a profound level.
There are items in every relationship that are steady and constant, but there are other items that are either additions or changes, such as rules, guidelines, or daily tasks around the house. The one constant that never changes and is a foundation is the trust, the love and the two way communication that we always have with each other. Those are completely 100 percent essential for any BDSM relationship to work.
So, what is the point to all this you may ask? My point is this. Be cautious in your journey, gather as much knowledge as you can, but be open to new and evolving experiences. you honestly never know what's around the next corner.
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New people tend to want to jump in head first into a BDSM relationship without having any clue what will make them happy or really having even the most basic understand of a true M/s or D/s relationship.
Each time I shake my head and tell myself "here is another one with no clue". It is a relationship that always ends up in heartbreak.
After being inundated with several questions about various do's and don'ts in a BDSM relationship, I decided pose a question to my FB audience asking them what they thought would be a Deadly Sin in a BDSM relationship.
Here is an amalgamation of the answers:
- Dishonesty - outright lying, with holding information of any kind, being fake about likes or responses
- Disrespect - topping from the bottom, talking about your Dom in a bad way to others
- Infidelity - taking orders from other Dominants, flirting or interacting with others without permission
- Not taking care of yourself properly
- Not using a safe word
- Not communicating openly
- Topping from the bottom
Now, after reading the list, you are thinking that many of the items listed are the same things you should not do in any type of relationship, vanilla or BDSM. That is true. But, in our world, committing any of these 'sins', can cause a deeper wound just from the fact that our connections tend to be deeper than those in a vanilla relationship.
Many people will take anything. This is a statement that applies equally to both dominant and submissive people. When you see what happens, especially online, you will agree with this sentiment. People submit to one simply because he says he is a "Dom" (or Master). It never occurs to them to question the validity of what this person is truly about. They simply take the statements as fact and whatever the Dom does or says as Law.
Why do I call this list "Deadly Sins"? Because, as a submissive, every 'sin' could be grounds for a harsh punishment, or if bad enough, your collar taken away. As a Dominant, these could cause your sub to lose trust in you and your fellow Dominants to lose all respect for you.
The online world is wrought with fakes, pretenders, and disappointment. We all encounter the same thing. Persistence is something that is required. Some are fortunate to hit what they like the first time; most are not. It takes a while to sift through all that doesn't work before finding what does. BDSM relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect, and open communication. That includes many branches, such as not lying, respecting your role and not overstepping your bounds.
So, bottom line, don't commit any of the 'Deadly Sins' and always keep communications open and honest.
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Many new people to the world of BDSM don't have the education and/or experience to tell the difference of what is considered 'normal' and what is abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle.
Here is a list of things to look out for that are obvious signs of an Abuser posing as a Dominant.
- Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.
- Isolating the submissive from family and friends
- Discouraging self sufficient behavior
- Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the Dominant
- Out of control jealousy
- Explosive temper
- Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way
- Abuses drugs/alcohol
- Does not take responsibility for mistakes
- Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive
- Emotional Blackmail - example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.
- Emotional Withdrawal - example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.
- Withdrawal of affection
- Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.
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There are many types of BDSM relationships, from one-on-one monogamous, submissive swapping, to monogamous Poly families.
Polyamory is defined as the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved. Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse.
Polyamorous relationships take many forms and can include many different levels of intimacy. In some relationships, a couple will have a single dedicated partner with whom they share a series of affairs. Another person may be actively “single” while participating occasionally or often in the committed relationships of others. A couple may be committed to each other and to a third… or to another couple. One person who is part of a couple may be dedicated to another person who is also in a committed relationship, without the involvement their significant others. The possibilities are limited only by the needs and desires of the parties involved.
Polyamory is not something you involve yourself in because it will please your dominant. You have to desire to be in a relationship with more than one person and more than one gender. It has to come from inside you and you have to ensure that when you involve yourself with a dominant that has candidly stated that he wants more than one submissive or slave, or get involved with a couple, that you are very sure of yourself and not at all prone to jealousy.
The roles have to be clearly defined and there must be complete honesty in everything that happens. Everyone must be able to share their feelings and thoughts as they happen and prevent any bad feelings from simmering and damaging the dynamic. A submissive in a relationship with a dominant and multiple other submissives should know that all of the submissives are important and that in the end it is a privilege to serve a dominant who provides for everyone. The moment jealousy and entitlement interferes, the groups tend to break up, even when all involved cared about each other. Submission in a polyamorous situation takes even more strength than submission to one does.
If you are thinking about involving playmates or bringing on a permanent new equal as a 3rd, you have to have ground rules that all will agree to and follow. This is very important to make sure that everyone feels equal and included in all dynamics of the relationship. Open and Honest communication between all parties is a must. There can be no secrets. If you are feeling any type of negative feelings, you should tell your Dominant first and then the partner with whom you have the negative feelings as soon as possible. If you don't, it will just fester and grow until a big blow up occurs.
Be careful in picking the potential playmate/new addition. Remember, there are people out there that are very deceptive and will pretend to be one way, until they get into the relationship, then slowly try to push you apart from your Dominant. Before inviting anyone to join you, make sure you and your Dominant have deep talks about the new person and lay all of your feelings, wants, needs, desires and expectations on the table. Make sure you are very sure and have given a lot of time into getting to know the new person before allowing them closer into your family.
Overall, a poly family can be a very loving, very fulling experience, as long as all parties stay honest and open with their feelings.
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The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book dedicated solely for Submissives:
- You do have rights. You have the right to walk away at any time for any reason.
- No one can keep up a 24/7 high protocol lifestyle for long without a break for of kids, family, work and other life events.
- No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priapic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.
- There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Dominance will make it go away.
- Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it.
- There are going to be times when you don't feel like having sex. It does and will happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it because it is just a part of life and does not mean you are a bad submissive.
- Living a 24/7 Lifestyle is not a myth. Living 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.
- There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. They are only human.
- No one understands your collar and its true meaning but you. Being proud to wear it everywhere is different than showing it off at the local market.
- Eventually, you're going to have to take off the slave cuffs to go to some real life appointment. Get used to it.
- People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.
- Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, if your dream Dominant turns into a frog.
- If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, and ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you not going get it.
- Just because you call yourself a slave, doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't growl at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.
- Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one.
- There are things you won't do in Real Life that you role played with online.
- BDSM is not always about sex.
- People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. If you are not careful and always aware of your surrounds, you may get hurt in a non-consensual way.
- Your Dominant is not a mind reader. You need to always be open and honest with your feelings.
- Your Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. A Master does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.
- An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.
- Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.
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Just as the internet culture has opened up great new ways to communicate - it has also provided a whole new way for psychopaths to con and manipulate people.
Predators do exist and are a very real threat. They target both men and women of all ages and use the anonymity of the Internet to their advantage since they can be whomever they want. They look for people that are emotionally vulnerable and start to connect and manipulate them by relating to personal issues derived from problems that either occurred in the past or are currently happening. Just because we are geared towards BDSM as a community, does not mean that we are safe. We rely on honesty when dealing with our partners, but if you are just getting to know someone, do you really know that person?
Did you know that statistically speaking, 87% of profiles that contain adult content are fake? Do you really know if that person is real or not? Is the person on the other end you are telling so much real information about yourself a psycho?
I get many emails and have heard many stories mostly about subs (mostly women) that are so in love with their on-line cyber Doms, that they decide to sell everything, quit their jobs and pack up and move to where the Dom lives. But, do you really know that Dom? Why are you doing all the comprise and life changes? Is the Dom willing to come and move you? Do you have a back up plan? These are the things to think about if you are seriously thinking of making this type of move.
Before I continue, I have to say that I met my Padrone online and moved to Italy to be with him. But, he came to the USA, packed me up, paid for everything and we have been living together very happily for 1 1/2 years. There are many other tales of people that have met online and are either happily living together or married now. You have to understand though, that these are rare exceptions to the rule. I got very lucky that I met the person that completes me so well online. Most people aren't as lucky and pay a high price for not being more cautious.
Here are some tips to watch out for that can be a sure sign of an online predator:
Choosing a Victim
They study people thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to their charms. The right victims are those that usually have a need or a void to fill, those who see something exotic in the Predator. The victim is often isolated or at least somewhat unhappy (perhaps because of recent adverse circumstances). The perfect victim has some natural quality that will attract the Predator. The strong emotions this quality inspires will make their seductive maneuvers seem more natural and dynamic. The perfect victim allows for the perfect chase.
They will Create a False Sense of Security
At first, they will just engage you in polite conversation. The seduction will begin in an indirect manner, so that you gradually start to connect with the Predator on a more personal and deep level. They will gradually move from a relatively neutral relationship to lover. They will start telling you things about their past and life that are all false, but make you relate to them on a more personal level. That is what creates the false sense of security.
They will Engage Your Friends to Use Against You
Few of us are drawn to a person that others seem to avoid. People gather around those who have already attracted interest. We want what other people want. To draw you closer and make you hungry to be possessed by them, the Predator creates an aura of desirability-of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of attention. They will then 'pick' you out of the crowd of admirers. This manufactures the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex-friends, former lovers, present suitors, but also makes you feel extremely special because out of all the people, they chose you. The Predator may also create triangles to stimulate rivalry and make you crave them even more.
They will Cause You to Confuse Desire and Reality: The Perfect Illusion To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of their time daydreaming, imagining a future full of adventure, success, and romance. If the Predator can create the illusion that you can live out your dreams with them, they will have you at their mercy. They will start slowly, gaining trust, and gradually constructing the fantasy that matches your deepest desires. They will aim at secret wishes that have been repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding your powers of reason. The perfect illusion is one that does not depart too much from reality, but has a touch of the unreal to it, like a waking dream. They will then easily lead you to a point of confusion in which you can no longer tell the difference between illusion and reality.
This is the point that they close the net and separate you from your real life friends and family. This is the time when you will likely make a major life altering decision to move to a different state or even country, just to be with them, to live the fantasy life they have created around you. This is where you really need to step back before you make any moves and evaluate the situation in its entirety.
Are you being honest with yourself about your real desires or are they just fantasies you really do not wish to live in reality? Are you willing to sacrifice everyone and everything to make a move to be with that person? Is the Predator asking you to sever ties with everyone and only focus on them?
I have talked to many that were pulled into online illusions by what I term as Master Players. They were manipulated to the point that they either did sell everything and pack up and get ready to move, only to have something happen in the 11th hour that caused all plans to come to a stop, or they were seriously ready to start the process of trying to make that major move and something came up to bring the victim back to reality.
You have to be cautious. You have to be aware. Yes, there are many times when you take all precautions and do everything you can and still, you get burned. But the one thing that I found that was a common thread to those that did get burned was that the giving was all on one side. The victims gave and gave and the Predators took and took. There was no 50/50 sacrifices. The victim (in every case I am thinking of was a sub) was always the one that either gave up everything or was about to give up everything just to be with the Dominant.
If the Dominant wants you badly enough, they will make as many sacrifices as you to get you there to be with them. If this is not the case, then it is probably not a real situation or will not turn out to be a good situation for you.
Remember, you are priceless, so be cautious and do not make hasty decisions.
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