For those in the vanilla world, they think BDSM is all about sex, bondage, and multiple partners. When they hear the word dominant, they only think that it is a very domineering person who is in charge of everything and who’s word is law. They think the dominant can do absolutely anything they want to, regardless of a submissive‘s desires, needs, or even objections. Those of us that actually live some type of version of a BDSM lifestyle know that the above statements are false.
We all know that a Dominant is the one who guides and a submissive is the one who follows. That is just the basic concept of roles in these types of relationships or dynamics. But, what happens when the submissive becomes the one that needs to guide the Dominant for some reason? How does the Dominant still retain dominance in the relationship while following the guidelines or advice from their submissive? It’s simple. Respect is the key.
Now, you’re asking yourself when would there be a time that a Dominant would follow a submissive in a BDSM dynamic, but still remain the dominant person in the relationship? There are many scenarios I can think of that this could happen, but the one I’m referring to is in a medical situation. I’ll use my situation with my master, known as Padrone, to share my feelings on this matter.
First I have to give you a little background on myself. Since January 10, 2018, I have been on a journey to get myself healthier by eating better and exercising. It is been 10 weeks and I have lost 7 kg which is about 14 pounds. I have done a lot of research on nutrition, exercise, and what not to do in order to lose weight at a healthy pace and keep it off while making my body more fit and stronger. I am not an expert by any means, but I have done a lot of research that has allowed me to gain knowledge that Padrone does not have.
Padrone actually ended up in the hospital for eight days because of a medical condition, and he had to change his entire lifestyle to no smoking, eating a completely different way, and adding exercise every day to his routine. While he is dealing with all of these new challenges, he’s also having to take a bunch of new medication at certain times of the day. I am helping him manage all of this so he can concentrate on himself.
The way I’m helping him manage all of this is by giving him his medications when he needs them, weighing all of his food and serving it to him at the appropriate times, and also encouraging him while sometimes nagging him to exercise. Given that he is my Master, you might think it would be very awkward to tell him what, how much, and when he can eat. A person would think that in a dynamic such as ours, that my providing food for Padrone would be in direct violation of a Master/slave relationship. But in our case it isn’t.
You see, Padrone still retains his role as Master and head of our household. I am still very much his submissive/slave as always. But in the case of exercise and food, he is allowing me to serve him by putting me in charge of these types of things so he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s already dealing with the fallout of not smoking after smoking for 45 years, his body getting used to all these new medications, and having to actually do exercise every single day, which he still does not like at all but does because he knows he has to.
Some people might see him as relinquishing control of our relationship but that is not the case at all either. His relinquishing control of the medication and food distribution allows me to actually serve him even more because I’m able to help him get healthier and be right there with him every step of the way on his journey to get fit. So what some may see as a role reversal or equalization of the relationship, is actually just the continued bond of our dynamic working.
If you ever get into a situation as a submissive or slave, in which your Dominant needs you to step up and take control of certain aspects of your life or his life, don’t hesitate to do it. Mentally and physically, your Dominant probably needs the help and will appreciate your effort because it will make their life and situation much easier to deal with from whatever they’re going through. You are in fact supporting them and serving them by taking control of some aspects that you did not have control over before. Just always make sure you show them the respect you always have, you never use a tone of voice that you would not normally use with them, and you always give them the final decision. Sometimes, like in my case, you might have to nag a little bit to get them to exercise because they really do not want to. Just make sure you give them all the right reasons to do what you’re asking so they know it’s their choice, you’re just helping them implement that choice.
Sometimes people may think they aren’t strong enough to actually be able to do something like that. They don’t know if their relationship or dynamic could handle them stepping up or a Dominant giving up a little bit of their control so that it makes their life a little easier because their submissive or slave is willing to help them make some choices that are difficult for themselves to make. I can say from experience, that one never knows what one can endure or will do for those that they love the most.
So, when a submissive takes charge of certain aspects of a Dominant’s life, or situation, the submissive is actually serving the Dominant. In no way does it mean that the submissive is trying to top from the bottom or take over the relationship. It just means that the submissive cares enough for their Dominant to try to do everything they can to help the Dominant’s life be easier.
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You know, when your 'get up and go' has 'got up and went' before you ever get out of bed, it's going to be a bad day. As with many other days, that sentence explains the past few days for me. As a BDSM slave, it makes me feel bad emotionally and mentally to not be able to live up to my normal expectations of myself. In turn, these negative feelings make my brain and body operate on an even worse level than they already were.
Even when I don't feel good, I am always able to help Padrone at least in some small ways. When I can't, I try to wake him up and get his coffee before work. Doing the smallest things for him makes me happy and makes me feel useful. As a slave, heck as a person, I need and want to feel useful. Many times, I hide away from the world when I'm sick because I feel like if I can't help myself, if I'm feeling all down and negative, why let people see that? I think there's too much negativity in the world already and don't want to add to it by complaining about my health issues.
But, when I don't answer people right away, when I see the comments, tags, emails, and messages trying to get in touch with me, I feel guilty for not responding, even though I had a very legitimate reason to not to. How do I get myself out of feeling this guilty cycle? How can I feel better while taking care of my own needs?
I have to follow what Padrone has taught me. I have to listen and not think. Padrone always tells me to take it easy during the times my epilepsy is acting up. He tells me to not worry about him, chores, the dogs, or our followers. He tells me to concentrate on myself and my own needs because those are what my priority has to be when I'm not feeling good. How can I take care of someone else's needs when my own haven't been take care of?
Over the past few years, I have finally started to understand this and allowed myself the time I need between bouts of illness. I take the time out and recover much quicker. After sleeping or relaxing, my brain and attitude are much better and I'm able to go back to my primary mission, which is to help Padrone and help others in the world of BDSM.
As bottoms, submissives and slaves, we are always putting the needs of our Dominants over our own, which we should when we are in the right head space and health space to do so. But, we also have to realize that we need to take care of our own needs too because we can't serve and give our best to our Dominants if we are not feeling well.
With all this above, what I want to say is: understand yourself and your limits. It's good to push those limits, because it helps us to get stronger. But at the same time, we need to know just how far our limits can be pushed. Mental and emotional health are very important factors to keep track of, just as we monitor our body's physical health. Don't put the entire burden of your health on your Dominant. Be hyper aware of your mental state, as well as your physical state. This will help you to learn more about yourself and possibly help you to maintain a more balanced and healthy lifestyle.
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I have recently received many questions from new and unattached submissives asking for my thoughts on Submissive/Slave resumes.
I honestly haven't thought much about them because I have never used, or had use for, one myself. I do think they could be used as a handy tool for both the submissive and any potential Dominants they might come across.
So, what would a new submissive put on a resume? I know you might be thinking that since you have never been in a BDSM relationship, nor had any formal training, you really have nothing of value that would make sense to put on this type of document. That is where you are wrong. You have Life experience. You have your abilities, hobbies, and hard limits. Take this opportunity to really set yourself apart from other potential applicants. Use the document to give potential Dominants a real sense of who you are as a person, not just your abilities.
Here is a list of different sections that should be included on a submissive resume. (Note: I have written this for new submissives that have not had any training and have never been in any BDSM relationships. If you are an experienced submissive, you should add a Training section to the below resume. List any and all training you have had. List any rules and punishments you were subjected to. You also might want to add a list of all past BDSM relationships you were in.)
- Objective - What is your long term goal? What type of relationship are you looking for? (Training, part time sub, play partner, 24/7 situation)
- Summary - This is where you can tell a little about yourself. When you became aware of your submissive side. Any relationships you are currently in. How you came to find out about the Lifestyle. How long you have known about and been interested in exploring your submissive side. What type of training you have read about and want to try.
- Qualifications - If you are new, this is where you need to be creative. List all of your life accomplishments that you think would be beneficial to a potential Dominant. You can include things such as your domestic abilities (cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc), organizational abilities (party planner, etc), if you are able to drive, or any abilities to do domestic maintenance or repairs. But remember, BE HONEST! Do not put that you can cook a 5 course French meal if you burn water.
- Education - List any and all educational classes or vocational training you have had. (College, CPR, Diving Instructor, etc)
- Hobbies - What do you like to do in your spare time? What activities keep you occupied when you are not working? What interests do you have? Again, be creative but be honest. Do not put you love nature hikes if you hate nature.
- Reading - List different genres of books you like to read or types of web sites you like to browse. Examples would be erotica, BDSM educational, Dog training, flowers magazines, etc...
- Hard Limits - This might be a hard section for you to fill in if you are new and have never looked into a Limits worksheet. I would list at least three hard limits, even if you don't know what all of your's are. Some items on your list may be Polyamoury (No sharing with other people), No edge play (using knives, breath play, needles), or waterworks/scat play (People that enjoy pee and fecal play)
- Health - List any and all health problems that you may have. You can also list any healthy activities that you do here, such as running, working out, etc.
- Organizational Associations - List any organizations that you are a member of (BDSM or non BDSM related). Make sure to put any time constraints these organizations may put on you (meetings, etc)
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You feel anxious, depressed, and have uncontrollable crying spells. You feel lost, without direction and can't concentrate.
All you want to do is to stay in bed all day and not move. You think to yourself that you don't know why exactly you feel this way. You wonder to yourself if it's normal, if you are normal. You feel alone. The only thing you can think of through all of the misery you are feeling is your Dominant. What is causing this pain and confusion? Separation from your Dominant.
He/She may have just left for work, or you might be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Whatever the situation, for some reason you can't understand, you are feeling a lot of the bad feeling described above. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You are not weird or crazy. After speaking with many submissives and slaves that have described various situations, I am calling this Submissive Separation Anxiety.
Separation anxiety is most commonly recognized as a juvenile disorder in which children experience signs of anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver. In more recent times however, adults have become increasingly diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. Adult separation anxiety is much the same as the disorder as that faced by children.
However, the primary caregiver can be any major attachment figure in the adults life. Most often these attachment figures include spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and or friends. Some have described such feelings as almost like an addiction but to a person. An adult with separation anxiety disorder may feel extreme fear and distress when their romantic partner is out of sight.
Being the loved one of someone with Submissive Separation Anxiety can be just as exhausting as being the individual with the disorder. There is a constant demand on your attentions that cannot be calmed or satisfied and often times it will feel as though there is no escape. Even the shortest respite from the clinginess of a loved one with SSD will be interrupted by vies for your attention through text messages and phone calls. Unfortunately living with and loving someone with submissive separation anxiety can be so taxing that relationships soon begin to break down. Each person must be completely committed to the relationship in order for the relationship to survive.
What steps can you take to help improve the situation? First, always know your Dominant's schedule. If it changes frequently, ask your Dom to text you and let you know. Next, if you do not work outside the home, wear one of your Dom's shirts in order to feel closer to him. If you work outside the home, try wearing a piece of jewelry that belong's to him. The weight will help you refocus your mind when panic or depression sets in. Communicate with him off and on throughout the day at designated times. Keep a picture of him on your cell phone or computer so you can see him anytime he isn't there.
These are but a few ways to help combat the feelings. I know there are probably more, but I'm not an expert in this. And here is the trap of Submissive Separation Anxiety. The more you try to make the person like/love you, the more you push them away and the reason for this is simple: to this other person, there is no issue. You are fighting a war in your head that doesn't really exist. It's as simple as that, but it's a damn hard lesson to learn. The reason he doesn't care when you're not around every minute of every day is because it doesn't matter to him, not because he doesn't like you or love you or want to spend time with you, but because he does not share your fear that significant people might not return once they leave.
From his perspective, since he knows you will always come back, he is fine. Why shouldn't he be fine? He is secure in your relationship. He has no reason to believe your departure would or could mean anything other than you have something in your schedule, so he finds something to do on his own and is just as happy. When you return home it's as if nothing has even happened, because nothing has happened, separations and reunions are a natural, normal part of life.
People with Submissive Separation Anxiety have a reason to feel the way that they do. They have a reason to fear abandonment. Many adults with this disorder were once neglected, abused and abandoned kids. They were hurt or not protected by the people they trusted. The important thing to remember is that other people have not had the same experiences and thus do not feel the same way. Adults who have had healthy relationships (particularly in childhood with their parents) are not afraid of being left alone. Their fundamental beliefs about the world are different from those of people with separation anxiety. Accepting and understanding this is the first step at overcoming the disorder.
All you want to do is to stay in bed all day and not move. You think to yourself that you don't know why exactly you feel this way. You wonder to yourself if it's normal, if you are normal. You feel alone. The only thing you can think of through all of the misery you are feeling is your Dominant. What is causing this pain and confusion? Separation from your Dominant.
He/She may have just left for work, or you might be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Whatever the situation, for some reason you can't understand, you are feeling a lot of the bad feeling described above. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You are not weird or crazy. After speaking with many submissives and slaves that have described various situations, I am calling this Submissive Separation Anxiety.
Separation anxiety is most commonly recognized as a juvenile disorder in which children experience signs of anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver. In more recent times however, adults have become increasingly diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. Adult separation anxiety is much the same as the disorder as that faced by children.
However, the primary caregiver can be any major attachment figure in the adults life. Most often these attachment figures include spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and or friends. Some have described such feelings as almost like an addiction but to a person. An adult with separation anxiety disorder may feel extreme fear and distress when their romantic partner is out of sight.
Being the loved one of someone with Submissive Separation Anxiety can be just as exhausting as being the individual with the disorder. There is a constant demand on your attentions that cannot be calmed or satisfied and often times it will feel as though there is no escape. Even the shortest respite from the clinginess of a loved one with SSD will be interrupted by vies for your attention through text messages and phone calls. Unfortunately living with and loving someone with submissive separation anxiety can be so taxing that relationships soon begin to break down. Each person must be completely committed to the relationship in order for the relationship to survive.
What steps can you take to help improve the situation? First, always know your Dominant's schedule. If it changes frequently, ask your Dom to text you and let you know. Next, if you do not work outside the home, wear one of your Dom's shirts in order to feel closer to him. If you work outside the home, try wearing a piece of jewelry that belong's to him. The weight will help you refocus your mind when panic or depression sets in. Communicate with him off and on throughout the day at designated times. Keep a picture of him on your cell phone or computer so you can see him anytime he isn't there.
These are but a few ways to help combat the feelings. I know there are probably more, but I'm not an expert in this. And here is the trap of Submissive Separation Anxiety. The more you try to make the person like/love you, the more you push them away and the reason for this is simple: to this other person, there is no issue. You are fighting a war in your head that doesn't really exist. It's as simple as that, but it's a damn hard lesson to learn. The reason he doesn't care when you're not around every minute of every day is because it doesn't matter to him, not because he doesn't like you or love you or want to spend time with you, but because he does not share your fear that significant people might not return once they leave.
From his perspective, since he knows you will always come back, he is fine. Why shouldn't he be fine? He is secure in your relationship. He has no reason to believe your departure would or could mean anything other than you have something in your schedule, so he finds something to do on his own and is just as happy. When you return home it's as if nothing has even happened, because nothing has happened, separations and reunions are a natural, normal part of life.
People with Submissive Separation Anxiety have a reason to feel the way that they do. They have a reason to fear abandonment. Many adults with this disorder were once neglected, abused and abandoned kids. They were hurt or not protected by the people they trusted. The important thing to remember is that other people have not had the same experiences and thus do not feel the same way. Adults who have had healthy relationships (particularly in childhood with their parents) are not afraid of being left alone. Their fundamental beliefs about the world are different from those of people with separation anxiety. Accepting and understanding this is the first step at overcoming the disorder.
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If you are new to the lifestyle or find yourself confused at times and reverting back and forth between BDSM and vanilla life, the following post should help you.
I have gotten many emails lately asking for advice on how to spice up or restart a D/s or M/s relationship. There have been many couples that start exploring the BDSM lifestyle after one of the partners had read an erotica book talking about the subject.
Here is an evolution of new couples entering into the BDSM lifestyle and what I have observed in talking to many different couples that approach me seeking advice. A couple will start playing with toys and move into bondage and start experimenting with various levels of S&M. By this time, they get a feel of who is more dominant and submissive. They assume one of the roles and start getting deeper into the D/s (mental and psychological) part of BDSM. During the first 3-6 months, the couple is very committed and focused on setting up their own rules, limits, punishments, etc. After a while, they start slacking off on punishments, rules, or playtime and have many periods of a vanilla relationship. The submissive usually is the first one to complain about the lessening of her rules or the change or lack of interest from the Dominant in making sure that she is following his set standards.
There are many reasons that this can happen. One party might not be as into it as they were at first because it takes work and discipline to keep up and maintain a true D/s or M/s relationship. Life events might throw many obstacles in the way and the relationship takes a back seat. Changes in feelings from one or both partners can also contribute to the slacking off of a D/s relationship.
In some cases, it is the submissive that changes the relationship. In today's society with work, children, and the general consensus of the population, it can be hard for a submissive, especially females to maintain a submissive mind. At work and at home, they are often tasked with leading or problem solving on their own, which leads to a more dominant state of mind.
Now, how can you combat these issues and maintain a somewhat consistent BDSM relationship while working, taking care of kids, and dealing with today's beliefs in popular society? There are many ways to keep a submissive mind and to stay focused on the D/s or M/s part of your relationship.
The number one rule is that you both have to be committed. One person can't stay in the Dominant or submissive state of mind while the other one is thinking vanilla. When you are together, you have to become used to automatically assuming the role of Dom or sub. After a while and consciously focusing on your role and responsibilities within that role, it will become habit or second nature to you.
As a submissive, there are several things you can do to help put yourself in or maintain a submissive state of mind. I suggest meditating every day when you first wake up or taking 10 minutes before your Dominant comes home to ready your mind. This can be especially helpful when you have been working all day or at home taking care of children.
During the day, most people work and aren't together. Utilizing technology such as cell phones, text messages, Instant messenger, GPS and cameras, you as a Dominant can maintain a sense of power over your sub throughout the day. This will give you a continuous feeling of your domination but also help your submissive maintain a secure feeling as well as a submissive state of mind. In a previous post, I go into great detail on utilizing technology.
One other mistake that I see many couples new to the lifestyle making quite often is by incorporating too many types of toys into a play session. While we all love our toys, sometimes using too many ones in a session can make the sub confused and uncomfortable. In some cases, it can make the sub feel disconnected to the Dominant, like he really isn't interested in her but just going through the motions. If this sounds like your relationship, take out the toys and get back to basics.
You might be surprised at how something so simple can bring a couple back together and back into the D/s or M/s harmony they seek.
What do you think about it? Comment and share this article on your social media accounts or email it to a friend!
Difficulties In Maintaining a True D/s Relationship
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You have all heard or participated in some sort of confessions.
Confessionals are wooden boxes that are used in the Catholic church to confess sins anonymously. It's a process where you are able to unburden your conscious of all the bad things you have done or thought about. It's supposed to help you clear the air and start fresh. Now, what does this have to do with BDSM you ask? I am proposing that you take this same concept and move it into our Lifestyle.
Why would you do that?
In all BDSM relationships, one of our base foundations is to have open, honest, two way communication between partners. But, over the years, I have met many people, both submissive and Dominant, that keep certain things to themselves because they are afraid to divulge something to their partner for various reasons.
It's a proven fact that the more issues and feelings you keep pent up, the more likely a person is to explode. People can only keep bad emotions bottled up inside for a certain amount of time until it starts to drain you. Introducing regularly scheduled BDSM Confessional sessions will help keep things (feelings, frustrations, disagreements) clear between a Dominant and submissive while promoting a closer, happier and healthier relationship.
How do you implement a Confessional session?
First, I suggest that you set a regular day and time for these sessions. Consistency will give you both a structure and routine that will put you more at ease and help to set the tone of the meetings so you can be completely honest when addressing the toughest of issues.
Sessions should always be face to face if possible. If you are a real life couple, make sure to conduct them in a neutral place so the submissive doesn't feel like they are on unequal terms and becomes uncomfortable in telling the Dominant everything that's bothering them. I understand that many relationships are strictly an online or long distance D/s relationship. In these circumstances, try to use a video chat like Skype, Google Chat, or Facebook Video to conduct these particular sessions. If that isn't possible, try to use a program with voice chat or call them on the phone. The reason this is so important is because many things can be, and many times are, misunderstood and taken out of their original context.
Now that we have the time and place taken care of, let's tackle the rules. In these sessions, the main rule that has to be observed is that both parties should speak freely without being afraid of reprisals once the sessions are over. Roles should be left at the door once you start the session. While you are there to clear the air, stay respectful and calm. Yelling doesn't get you anywhere. These sessions are not a reason to start fights.
Third, I suggest keeping a journal or written list of real issues that are bothering you. Make sure the list contains only issues that you feel are weighing heavily on your mind. Do not make it a complaint or 'bitching' session. That is NOT the goal of Confessionals. You should only address real issues like your Dom pushing your limits too much, using names you don't like, crossing your hard limits, the use of humiliation, punishments, etc.
Finally, don't hold back! If you go into a session but do not tell your partner everything that is bothering you, the issue can't be changed and the entire session was a waste of time. Make sure that you present all issues you feel need resolving and not just half truths. If you have to reopen an old issue because things for that particular situation hasn't changed enough, do so. But, make sure your reasons for rehashing the issue are legitimate.
If implemented correctly and kept up, Confessional sessions can be an extremely helpful tool. I hope that if you do implement Confessional sessions into your BDSM dynamic, you will both grow closer and happier.
If you have any questions or comments, let me hear from you below!
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Have you had one of those days in which it seems that absolutely everything goes wrong? Well, join the club, because it has happened to me today!
The problem with me having one of these days is that I get so frustrated that I could seize or develop worse side effects from my epilepsy. I have very little or no patience with many things. That is one thing that I am learning, but have a long way to go. I know its not a good trait in a submissive/slave, let alone someone with epilepsy.
The first thing that went wrong is not being able to find a good, but free, offline Italian to English Dictionary that can be used on the Android platform base. After many hours of searching, I have concluded that it does not exist. Every one that I have found either require an internet connection or you have to buy them. Why not put a really good one out there for free? You would think that there would be hundreds out there because so many people are always looking for translations in the global market. Most translation freeware is completely online or uses cloud computing. Granted, its a fast, easy and probably cheaper way of doing things, but still frustrating for someone like me that likes to utilize current technology, but has no access where the classes are taking place. I have not given up searching, but have put it aside for tonight.
The other thing that made me aggravated is that apparently, someone over on Google has a jealous streak because they are following me around in groups and spamming my links. Yes, you heard me! I have had a couple of the moderators from the communities tell me they have no clue who did it, but are looking into it. They un-spam my links and all is well. But is it still frustrating.
After being frustrated with not finding the dictionary, and then finding out about the spam posts on Google, I feel as if most of my evening was wasted. I know it wasn't because I did get a lot of other stuff accomplished. But, (really huge sigh at this spot) its still frustrating.
Luckily for me, I have a very close and important person in my life that tells me to calm down, take a deep breath, and step away from the problem and look at again later. Padrone's advice is always spot on and I always take it. That's why I am here and not throwing computers or tablets out of a third story window. Just kidding! I would never do that. But, it was so tempting!
I do have a point to all this ranting. Number One, it really does no good for people to get so frustrated and worked up on something that you can't either change or acquire right then and there. Many of us, as very busy adults in today's world, are constantly in such a state and may not realize it. I know I have met or encountered many people that are what most would term an asshole. But, if you take a step back and look at that person, and ask him, what's up, he might tell you all the frustrations he has encountered that have put him in that state.
Take a deep breath and look around you. See how you affect people and how you are being affected yourself. It's not good for your mental or physical health to get so worked up. Trust me when I say I know from personal experience! I know it's really hard to take yourself out of some situations that seems to have no ending in sight. But remember, there is always an ending and a new beginning. There always will be until the sun no longer rises or sets.
My second point is that while we take life seriously, we do need to stop and appreciate our surroundings. Be thankful for who is in your life and the fact that you do wake up every day. I am. Yes, I have issues with health, frustrations in life, disappointments and hurts,but I also have a deep unconditional love for Padrone that is returned just as much. I am making new friends and learning new things. I am doing stuff that I never thought I could do. Life is an adventure and even with downs, there are so many more ups. You just have to look and you will find them.
So my point is just simple. Let the frustrations go. Don't get all worked up over stuff you have no possibility of changing. Put aside the anger and stress until another day. I know that isn't possible for all situations, but when it is, take the option. It will do you and your health a world of good.
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In your exploration to further your knowledge of BDSM or D/s, you may have come across the terms submissive mind or mindset.
There are many varying definitions for this. Some believe that their minds are always in a submissive place. Others believe that rituals are what transition them into becoming submissive in their thoughts.
To me, a "submissive mind or mindset" is that place inside a person in which they always submit to another, maybe only one special person, but are always submissive to him/her. No matter what I am doing, when blogging, working on a new book, answering or interacting with my readers, or just normal housework, I am always submissive to my Dominant, Padrone Marco. His values, thoughts, guidance, and needs are always incorporated to everything I do.
It is not something that I force or have to set my mind to. It just comes from within. It is a natural thing for me to want to make Padrone happy and proud. It makes me happy to serve him, follow his guidance, ask for direction when I am unsure of how to proceed in something, and just to submit to his will in whatever I am doing.
There is a common thought among those that do not truly understand the dynamics of true submission. Outsiders think submissives are doormats. Now, do not take my submission to Padrone as making me weak. Being submissive does not mean a person is weak. It means I chose to submit to him because of the bond, love and trust we share.
Here is the biggest factor in the mindset of a submissive. It is my experience that a true sub/slave has a natural focus that is centered on others. This is something that comes natural to him or her. Compare this with the common self-centered focus. One who attempts to serve while being self focused is going to have issues.
True submissives thrive on intense, intimate, emotionally-open relationships. When serving, submitting, or performing tasks, they are most at ease and happiest. A submissive in this mindset is usually playful, confident, willing and wanting to help others achieve that same state, and always naturally working towards making her Dominant happy.
A submissive knows herself; every strength, every fault and failing. She is her own worst critic. And yet, this self-knowledge makes her strong. She is able to give more than most women. She is open and vulnerable in a way that most can never comprehend. But this is her freedom.
There are many varying definitions for this. Some believe that their minds are always in a submissive place. Others believe that rituals are what transition them into becoming submissive in their thoughts.
To me, a "submissive mind or mindset" is that place inside a person in which they always submit to another, maybe only one special person, but are always submissive to him/her. No matter what I am doing, when blogging, working on a new book, answering or interacting with my readers, or just normal housework, I am always submissive to my Dominant, Padrone Marco. His values, thoughts, guidance, and needs are always incorporated to everything I do.
It is not something that I force or have to set my mind to. It just comes from within. It is a natural thing for me to want to make Padrone happy and proud. It makes me happy to serve him, follow his guidance, ask for direction when I am unsure of how to proceed in something, and just to submit to his will in whatever I am doing.
There is a common thought among those that do not truly understand the dynamics of true submission. Outsiders think submissives are doormats. Now, do not take my submission to Padrone as making me weak. Being submissive does not mean a person is weak. It means I chose to submit to him because of the bond, love and trust we share.
Here is the biggest factor in the mindset of a submissive. It is my experience that a true sub/slave has a natural focus that is centered on others. This is something that comes natural to him or her. Compare this with the common self-centered focus. One who attempts to serve while being self focused is going to have issues.
True submissives thrive on intense, intimate, emotionally-open relationships. When serving, submitting, or performing tasks, they are most at ease and happiest. A submissive in this mindset is usually playful, confident, willing and wanting to help others achieve that same state, and always naturally working towards making her Dominant happy.
A submissive knows herself; every strength, every fault and failing. She is her own worst critic. And yet, this self-knowledge makes her strong. She is able to give more than most women. She is open and vulnerable in a way that most can never comprehend. But this is her freedom.
So, whether you have to switch from vanilla independent to being in a submissive mindset using a ritual, it comes naturally to you, or you have a combination of the two, remember one thing: As long as you are happy, and you are doing what makes you proud, having a submissive mind will lead you to that freedom only true submissives feel.
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So, many of you have been very curious about my experiences as a real life 24/7 slave.
I am pretty open to who and what I am and believe. I always share my own experiences when I think they will help others. So, today's post is about me. I hate talking about myself but, with the amount of questions I have gotten, here goes!
I won't go into my past much, because I see the past as the past, and it is better left right were it is. Of course, it helped shape me into the person I am today, but the person I am today is so much different than I was 2 years ago.
I was at a point in my life where I was completely unhappy, with my work, my relationships, everything. I hated it. I was not in an environment that allowed me to be myself, the true me. I think I had lost the true me, my core self, many years before, because I had to hide who I was from everyone for so long.
I decided to get back in touch with my BDSM submissive roots. I had been trained for 2 1/2 years as a Gorean kajira, starting at the age of 19. Life intervened and I lost touch with BDSM and submission for many years.
I started reading and getting back into the scene via the internet around 1998. There wasn't much of a presence on the net as there is now, but it was there. I participated in many forums and advice columns as well as mentoring new people that had no clue where to start their own journey. Just as I was finding myself again, life intervened and my BDSM activities were put on hold. Over the next several years, career, kids, cancer and epilepsy, as well as the other normal trappings of life kept me away from the scene. I was lost once again.
I decided about 5 years ago that I could not continue living in that box society had forced me into. I had to break free of the shell I was being forced to live in. I felt like a walking zombie in much of my normal day to day life. I was only going through the motions of living, but not enjoying life. There is a HUGE difference from being alive and living your life.
My heart stopped beating on two occasions and I actually was dead, but was brought back. This was due to epilepsy and other circumstances. I also dealt with cancer and won. All of these things happening to me in a relatively short period of time was a HUGE wake up call. I had to get my life back on track and find my way back to being happy. I knew that BDSM, being a submissive, serving a Master that would allow me to be myself was the only way that I could be me and be happy. But, I was in a bad marriage and had two kids. How could I possibly participate in BDSM?
I found cyber BDSM again. I started devouring everything I could read on the scene, remembering my training and the feelings it brought me, of peace and comfort and joy. I started interacting with others in the same boat as myself and together, we helped each other relearn and regain our submissive sides. They had actually never been lost, just put away and forgotten, until we had a chance to bring them out again. I started participating in real life activities again, not sexual, but just around the scene to regain my sense of the Lifestyle.
So, after a while, I met a wonderful, smart, funny man that happened to live half a world away. He had so much wonderful advice and was so caring. He was never overbearing and you could tell, just by speaking to him, he was a natural Dominant. I talked to him and got to know him for several months before becoming his cyber slave in April of 2011.
During my time as his cyber slave, he had many rules that I had to follow. He was very flexible though and understanding because he knew I had to maintain a balance between my real life duties as well as my cyber activities. And sometimes balancing them is very hard. So over the months, we video and phone chatted, IM'd and emailed. I had as much contact with him as I could. I could never get enough. He was the one person that I felt I could just be myself. I instinctively knew I could tell him anything and he would not judge me. I completely opened up and told him about my entire life, past, present and future, wants, needs desires, hurts, dreams... Everything.
Well, in August of 2011, he flew to the USA and I returned with him to Italy, where I have been and remain very happily his 24/7 slave.
I have grown so much in the past 1 1/2 years. I have learned to be myself again. With all of the structure, rules, and guidance that Padrone had built into our ever evolving relationship, I have never felt more safe, loved, protected, cared for, or happy in my life. We have a completely open and honest, two way communication that is the very foundation of our BDSM life. We practice more the M/s part of BDSM than the S&M, but it does govern every part of our lives. I always wear my collar, everywhere I go, with or without Him. I always follow the rules he has given me, and I know the type of answer he would give in situations that might come up in which I need to make a decision.
The form my slavery takes is perhaps different from what many of you think about BDSM slavery. I have many rules, about what I can or can't wear, who I can talk to, when and where I am allowed to go, when to check in when I am out, how long I can be out of the house, and many many more. But, he has given me rules that he knows that make me feel good, happy and safe. He knows without any doubts that I will follow them always. He also knows that if I do slip up and forget something, like to make coffee for him before he wakes up, there is always a reason.
He doesn't punish me for mistakes I make, because they are usually not intentional and are related to side effects from the epilepsy. When would he punish me? I would say he would punish me harshly if I ever do something deliberately, like speak to people on purpose that I'm not supposed to, or start drama, or break some other rule on purpose he has put in place.
Many of you will be thinking at this point that without punishment or correction, that I can't learn from my mistakes. But I do. See, he does correct me. But it's in the form of actual correction and guidance. When I make a mistake, he will show me how to do it correctly. If I make mistakes because my epilepsy is acting up, then he will stand right beside me and tell me step by step how to do whatever the task is that I need to do. This type of correction, for me, reassures me that I am not stupid, but also helps me feel even more loved and protected and accepted by Padrone.
With this kind of Dominating or Mastering, I have grown back into the person I always wanted to be. I have gotten more in touch with myself deeply and know me very well. I don't hide anything from anyone anymore because I feel safe to be me and with Padrone as my Master and life partner, I feel safe to be me.
He has encouraged me to take up writing again because he knows it's a passion of mine. He also knows how much I enjoy helping others in anyway I can, so that's why I started my blogs.
I hope this answers many of your questions and helps you understand a little more about me and my background, as well as the way Padrone and I choose to practice a BDSM lifestyle.
Remember, there really is no right or wrong, and no handbook to BDSM. It's all a matter of consensual, knowledgeable decisions and the way you and your partner interpret BDSM.
Have fun, read, explore and stay safe!
Michelle Fegatofi
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