If you have come to this blog, chances are that you have already started exploring the world of BDSM. Whether you are a Dominant or sub, Master or slave, Top or bottom, do your research and build your base knowledge before getting involved in any dynamic for the first time. This could honestly be the difference in sparing yourself mental and/or emotional trauma.
Now, most of the time as I’m writing these posts, I assume that my readers are complete novices and have not been in a real life BDSM dynamic or relationship. The reason for this is because I get so many questions asking things that are obvious signs of abuse or a fake dominant. I’ve written a few blogs on how to spot an abusive person trying to pass for a Dominant, especially in the online world. While every couple practices their own individualized version of the Lifestyle, basic rules and common sense still apply.
In many fantasy erotica books and movies, a female discovers that she likes being told what to do by a powerful male. Then she gets punished for some small thing she does wrong and decides she likes pain with her pleasure and the plot goes from there. While this scenario might make for a good read or movie, it is not the norm in real life. That’s what today’s blog is about: understanding the Reality of a BDSM relationship versus the Fantasy.
I’ve been in and out of the Lifestyle for over 27 years now, both online and in real life. I’ve lived as a submissive and a slave. While some dynamics may practice a high protocol situation more than others, I don’t spend all of my time on my knees waiting for Padrone to direct every tiny aspect of my life. First of all, neither of us have the patience for that. Secondly, life. Life always has to be lived. Jobs, appointments, friends, family, and whatever other obligations will always need to be tended to.
Padrone Marco is my Master. I am his slave. That is how we define our roles in our dynamic. While Padrone always has the final say in all decisions, he trusts me to act autonomously on his behalf and follow the rules he set up for us when we first became a couple. In the movies and books, most submissives get an allowance and a list to follow any time they go shopping for anything. Padrone doesn’t want to be bothered with little details so he leaves all of those decisions to me. When I buy clothes, especially online, I will get his approval before I buy something to ensure that he likes whatever I’ve picked.
If you have followed my other blog, you will see that we have both been on a journey to get healthier this year. Padrone was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in March so is on a strict diet that makes it difficult for him to figure out what and how to eat to stay within those parameters. After many trial and errors, I researched, found, and ordered a meal plan for him that satisfied his nutritional needs while actually tasting good and giving him a variety he needed. While many people may see that as a vanilla task or even as a slave overstepping her bounds, we do not. You see, in books, the sub or slave is always at the beck and call of the Master, regardless of the situation. In fantasyland, the slave never has to think for herself and the Master always knows exactly what to do and when to do it.
But in reality, Dominants often need help and to be taken care of too. Even if your dynamic isn’t based on affection and is based on fulfilling a fantasy, these same principles will most likely apply in some form or fashion. A submissive’s or slave’s number one priority is always to see to the comfort of their Master/Dominant. We want to make their life easier in any way that we can. So, unlike movies and books, we have to think for ourselves as we follow the clearly defined rules of our dynamic. In taking control over our individual diets, I made life easier for Padrone so he doesn’t have to worry if a meal fits into his diet or not. I’ve already done all the research and all he has to do is tell me what it is he wants to eat. That is not Topping from the Bottom. It’s making sure my Padrone stays healthy.
Another theme you normally see running through BDSM related books and movies is that of the Dominant never taking care of the sub, unless it’s after a scene. I can assure you that is not the case in a real life relationship. Padrone takes care of me just as much as I do him. Many people would look at the surface of our relationship and see a vanilla couple that has been together for a long time since many of our daily activities are vanilla based. But what you don’t see is the reality.
For our dynamic, I clean the house, wash clothes, take out the garbage, take care of the dogs, make sure meds are taken or refilled, and many other tiny, everyday things that get overlooked because they are routine. While Padrone mainly works so he can support us financially, he also edits all of my posts and maintains this blog. I work behind the scenes to support him.
There are so many other examples I could give you from our everyday life that will give you glimpses of how our Dynamic works, I will leave it here for now. My goal for this post is simple. Don’t base your dream of a relationship on what you read in a book or watched in a movie because that relationship will fail since it wasn’t based on any type of reality. Find your own version of BDSM that works with the reality of your life. The completeness, support, love, and connection I have with Padrone makes that journey worth it.
Now, most of the time as I’m writing these posts, I assume that my readers are complete novices and have not been in a real life BDSM dynamic or relationship. The reason for this is because I get so many questions asking things that are obvious signs of abuse or a fake dominant. I’ve written a few blogs on how to spot an abusive person trying to pass for a Dominant, especially in the online world. While every couple practices their own individualized version of the Lifestyle, basic rules and common sense still apply.
In many fantasy erotica books and movies, a female discovers that she likes being told what to do by a powerful male. Then she gets punished for some small thing she does wrong and decides she likes pain with her pleasure and the plot goes from there. While this scenario might make for a good read or movie, it is not the norm in real life. That’s what today’s blog is about: understanding the Reality of a BDSM relationship versus the Fantasy.
I’ve been in and out of the Lifestyle for over 27 years now, both online and in real life. I’ve lived as a submissive and a slave. While some dynamics may practice a high protocol situation more than others, I don’t spend all of my time on my knees waiting for Padrone to direct every tiny aspect of my life. First of all, neither of us have the patience for that. Secondly, life. Life always has to be lived. Jobs, appointments, friends, family, and whatever other obligations will always need to be tended to.
Padrone Marco is my Master. I am his slave. That is how we define our roles in our dynamic. While Padrone always has the final say in all decisions, he trusts me to act autonomously on his behalf and follow the rules he set up for us when we first became a couple. In the movies and books, most submissives get an allowance and a list to follow any time they go shopping for anything. Padrone doesn’t want to be bothered with little details so he leaves all of those decisions to me. When I buy clothes, especially online, I will get his approval before I buy something to ensure that he likes whatever I’ve picked.
If you have followed my other blog, you will see that we have both been on a journey to get healthier this year. Padrone was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in March so is on a strict diet that makes it difficult for him to figure out what and how to eat to stay within those parameters. After many trial and errors, I researched, found, and ordered a meal plan for him that satisfied his nutritional needs while actually tasting good and giving him a variety he needed. While many people may see that as a vanilla task or even as a slave overstepping her bounds, we do not. You see, in books, the sub or slave is always at the beck and call of the Master, regardless of the situation. In fantasyland, the slave never has to think for herself and the Master always knows exactly what to do and when to do it.
But in reality, Dominants often need help and to be taken care of too. Even if your dynamic isn’t based on affection and is based on fulfilling a fantasy, these same principles will most likely apply in some form or fashion. A submissive’s or slave’s number one priority is always to see to the comfort of their Master/Dominant. We want to make their life easier in any way that we can. So, unlike movies and books, we have to think for ourselves as we follow the clearly defined rules of our dynamic. In taking control over our individual diets, I made life easier for Padrone so he doesn’t have to worry if a meal fits into his diet or not. I’ve already done all the research and all he has to do is tell me what it is he wants to eat. That is not Topping from the Bottom. It’s making sure my Padrone stays healthy.
Another theme you normally see running through BDSM related books and movies is that of the Dominant never taking care of the sub, unless it’s after a scene. I can assure you that is not the case in a real life relationship. Padrone takes care of me just as much as I do him. Many people would look at the surface of our relationship and see a vanilla couple that has been together for a long time since many of our daily activities are vanilla based. But what you don’t see is the reality.
For our dynamic, I clean the house, wash clothes, take out the garbage, take care of the dogs, make sure meds are taken or refilled, and many other tiny, everyday things that get overlooked because they are routine. While Padrone mainly works so he can support us financially, he also edits all of my posts and maintains this blog. I work behind the scenes to support him.
There are so many other examples I could give you from our everyday life that will give you glimpses of how our Dynamic works, I will leave it here for now. My goal for this post is simple. Don’t base your dream of a relationship on what you read in a book or watched in a movie because that relationship will fail since it wasn’t based on any type of reality. Find your own version of BDSM that works with the reality of your life. The completeness, support, love, and connection I have with Padrone makes that journey worth it.
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I always get emails asking how can I possibly live as a BDSM slave 24/7. I also get told that it's impossible to do it in today's world. I get others questioning like how do I balance being a slave while dealing with my epilepsy. Along this same line of questioning, I get the naysayers saying it's not possible because my illness takes up too much time.
I do live as a very proud BDSM slave every single day of the week, month, and year. It's very possible and I've proven over the past 4 1/2 years it's very doable. Of course, it takes constant work from both Padrone and myself but we want this type of relationship and we make it work.
How do we balance 'normal life stuff' with our M/s dynamic? Simple. We each know our roles. His is Master and mine is as his slave. I always do things that make his life, and in reality both of our lives, run smoother and easier. I never do anything to hurt or antagonize him. He guides me and I listen. Sometimes I am a little hard headed but in the end, I always listen. We always tell the other everything, no matter if it is good, bad or ugly. We try to never use hurtful words to the other. We've learned to never raise our voices during a very rare disagreement.
No matter what I'm doing, if he calls for me or asks something of me, I stop whatever I was doing and proceed to do what was asked with no complaints or grumbling. Why? Because that's the way a slave behaves and it makes me happy to do it. Every dynamic might not work like this, but ours does. I have no doubts about anything when it comes to Padrone. No reservations or hesitations. That's the kind of trust every slave should have with their Master. I know he would never use me in a way to hurt me or lead me down the wrong path. He always puts my welfare first.
I have had so many problems with my epilepsy these past few weeks and have been unable to do many of my normal duties but I still do whatever I can. During my down times, Padrone is right there supporting me, helping me in whatever way he can, and just being there for me. He cooks, feeds me, helps me walk when needed, applies medicine to my back, gives me massages, and whatever else he thinks will help. Some people would see this as not being the role of a Master. To me, he is a perfect example of what every Dominant that calls themselves Master should be. He is not switching and taking on the role of sub or slave. He is taking care of his slave, his property, the one he values more than anyone else in the world. Me.
Is it difficult to deal with epilepsy, especially the weird and ever evolving kind that I have? Yes. It's difficult to just try to live what most people consider a normal life. I have many duties that I consider part of my submissive tasks. Padrone has never assigned any specific tasks to me, I just knew what to do and do them. With the physical manifestations my epilepsy has forced me to deal with this past week, many of these duties have not been accomplished because I am just not able.
While I feel extremely frustrated, weak, and somewhat of a failure, Padrone never once said that. He constantly tells me how wonderful I am, how brave and beautiful I am to be dealing with so much pain and limitations. He keeps giving me encouraging words that come from his heart because he knows they help take my feeling of failure as a submissive away.
Being a slave doesn't mean I'm constantly bowing, kneeling, having sex, performing some type of bondage scene, being lead around on a leash, or cleaning the entire house with a toothbrush. That might be someone's reality, but that is not mine. Being a slave, the way we practice an M/s relationship, is anticipating every need Padrone may have. Cooking and cleaning to make him happy and comfortable. Staying by his side so that he sleeps better knowing I'm there. Snuggling and watching TV. Joking, laughing, loving, and living. It encompasses every part of our lives.
Being his slave means that yes, I am his property. I am his to use and do with as he pleases, anytime he wishes. But I am not a doormat or a quiet mouse. I have my own personality, thoughts and feelings. He has his own way of doing things, feelings and thoughts. But, we are one of the lucky couples that compliment each other perfectly. Our beliefs are the same, our likes, dislikes, and morals are all very similar. He is the perfect dominant to my submissive.
In good and bad health, no matter what the problem may be, we are always together, supporting and loving each other as best we can. Living with a chronic illness is not fun, but it does not stop me from being a slave 24/7. It may slow down certain activities, but I always do my best and I am always Padrone's slave.
I encourage those of you that have a chronic illness to not let it get you down and discouraged. Deal with it the best you can. Stay positive and focused, and most of all never give up. You can live a full life and have the type of BDSM relationship you want even while dealing with health problems. You just need to find the perfect fit for you. Or, as Padrone says in his Italian accented English, "Find your purrfect feet!"
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