If you have explored the world of BDSM, you may have come across many different terms, titles and categories to describe Tops and bottoms of the power exchange or power dynamic of relationships. In the last few years, a couple of terms have been utilised much more frequently than previously, namely “Alpha Sub” and “Brat”.
While “Brat” has been around much longer than “Alpha Sub”, I will admit I do not agree with either term. I think that the very meaning of Brat goes against what it means to be submissive, as does the term Alpha.
If you consider the meaning of Alpha, it is defined as the leader, the dominant one, the head of the group. This is as opposed to the term Submissive which is defined as ready to conform to the will of others, compliant and obedient. If words and titles hold meaning for you, how can you use such an oxymoron? How is it possible to be a Dominant Leader that obeys the will of others? Am I taking their meanings too literally? Maybe. But to me and many other BDSM scholars, it just doesn’t make sense.
After researching the term Alpha Submissive, I found only a few references in some obscure articles prior to 2009. It seems that from 2009 forward, many people have picked up that term and started using it in various forms and meanings. The most used description is that of a woman that is dominant in every part of her life except for sexually. In my opinion, this is a Sexual Submissive or a Bedroom Submissive. But are we just talking semantics? Probably.
How and where did the term Alpha Sub come about? I haven’t been able to find that out. But Sexual Submissive and Bedroom Submissive have been used as terms to describe certain types of subs for at least 30 years and probably longer. They are not politically incorrect and they are not offensive. So why use such a contradictory term instead of the standard ones? I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s the fashionable thing to do. It’s a buzz word that many new people read somewhere in a fiction book or online and they think it describes them. Others that don’t like the word submissive may put Alpha in front of it to take away some of the meaning to justify their feelings to themselves. I am not a psychologist, nor am I a mind reader. But, this is the conclusion I have derived from the people I’ve talked with about this as well as my own observations throughout the Lifestyle over many years.
Brats are defined as a spoiled, annoying or ill mannered people. “Brat” is a descriptor usually used in a negative or contemptuous way. In BDSM, it tends to refer to a submissive with a reputation for talking back, being disrespectful or being mildly disobedient. Again, it may just be wording or semantics, but this would be used to describe a SAM or Smart Ass Masochist. SAMs normally exhibit the above behavior with the end goal of being punished to satisfy their masochistic side.
In the world of BDSM, a submissive is a person who is respectful and wants to please. Yes, they might have a playful streak, but it is one that is never disrespectful, never crosses that line and never seen as bratty behavior. In fact, a submissive would generally be mortified to learn that their Dominant considered them a brat. In my opinion, people who label themselves as Brats do not understand the true meaning of being a submissive; they don’t have the drive or the need to be truly submissive to a Dominant. These people think they are submissive because they like the kinky sex or the idea of it from what they have read in books or have seen in movies.
If you are interested in this subject, I suggest that you do your own research by reading books and blogs and talking to community leaders. Take all the information you get and form your own opinion. The one thing I do tell everyone is to keep your mind open to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Even if you disagree, at least try to see a different point of view with an open mind.
While “Brat” has been around much longer than “Alpha Sub”, I will admit I do not agree with either term. I think that the very meaning of Brat goes against what it means to be submissive, as does the term Alpha.
If you consider the meaning of Alpha, it is defined as the leader, the dominant one, the head of the group. This is as opposed to the term Submissive which is defined as ready to conform to the will of others, compliant and obedient. If words and titles hold meaning for you, how can you use such an oxymoron? How is it possible to be a Dominant Leader that obeys the will of others? Am I taking their meanings too literally? Maybe. But to me and many other BDSM scholars, it just doesn’t make sense.
After researching the term Alpha Submissive, I found only a few references in some obscure articles prior to 2009. It seems that from 2009 forward, many people have picked up that term and started using it in various forms and meanings. The most used description is that of a woman that is dominant in every part of her life except for sexually. In my opinion, this is a Sexual Submissive or a Bedroom Submissive. But are we just talking semantics? Probably.
How and where did the term Alpha Sub come about? I haven’t been able to find that out. But Sexual Submissive and Bedroom Submissive have been used as terms to describe certain types of subs for at least 30 years and probably longer. They are not politically incorrect and they are not offensive. So why use such a contradictory term instead of the standard ones? I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s the fashionable thing to do. It’s a buzz word that many new people read somewhere in a fiction book or online and they think it describes them. Others that don’t like the word submissive may put Alpha in front of it to take away some of the meaning to justify their feelings to themselves. I am not a psychologist, nor am I a mind reader. But, this is the conclusion I have derived from the people I’ve talked with about this as well as my own observations throughout the Lifestyle over many years.
Brats are defined as a spoiled, annoying or ill mannered people. “Brat” is a descriptor usually used in a negative or contemptuous way. In BDSM, it tends to refer to a submissive with a reputation for talking back, being disrespectful or being mildly disobedient. Again, it may just be wording or semantics, but this would be used to describe a SAM or Smart Ass Masochist. SAMs normally exhibit the above behavior with the end goal of being punished to satisfy their masochistic side.
In the world of BDSM, a submissive is a person who is respectful and wants to please. Yes, they might have a playful streak, but it is one that is never disrespectful, never crosses that line and never seen as bratty behavior. In fact, a submissive would generally be mortified to learn that their Dominant considered them a brat. In my opinion, people who label themselves as Brats do not understand the true meaning of being a submissive; they don’t have the drive or the need to be truly submissive to a Dominant. These people think they are submissive because they like the kinky sex or the idea of it from what they have read in books or have seen in movies.
If you are interested in this subject, I suggest that you do your own research by reading books and blogs and talking to community leaders. Take all the information you get and form your own opinion. The one thing I do tell everyone is to keep your mind open to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Even if you disagree, at least try to see a different point of view with an open mind.
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This past week has brought a firestorm of responses about my personal description of what an Alpha sub is as well as to a post I wrote for Lady Hecate's The Lair of Lady Hecate website about my thoughts on new terms that have been popping up around the BDSM online community such as Alpha sub, brat, and primal. I have received comments ranging from those that agree with me and those that adamantly oppose anything I write about. I never try to push my thoughts on others, but do speak my mind and stand by my beliefs.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
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