Welcome to this week's edition of Talk Tuesday! Sorry it's a day late, but these past few days has been a struggle for me and my epilepsy. This week we talk about "Maintaining a 24/7 relationship", "D/s Relationship structures", and "A Narcissistic Dom".
Question #1) "We're trying to live life as a 24/7 D/s couple but it is complicated. We feel that this is our path to take but it's very difficult to stay concentrated because things in life happen around us all the time. We are determined to continue because we feel that this is not a game for us but what we desire to be. What advice can you give to help us keep our roles?"
First you both have to be very committed to establishing and maintaining this type of relationship. I would suggest setting realistic goals and rules for your relationship. Set up protocols and routines that you both can agree to and work with that fit into your lifestyle. Make sure that you both understand all punishments that are to be given and why (if you practice a lifestyle with a punishment basis). Even living a 24/7 D/s or M/s lifestyle, we all deal with regular everyday life such as families, jobs, chores (faccende) etc.
With rules, start out with easy to follow ones such as what kind of clothes to wear, who you can and can not talk to (males, females), how you keep your body groomed (shaving, hair color etc).
.jpg "Daily Chores Reminder - BDSM Relationships")
Sit down and write out a list of rules, protocols and daily chores you would like to follow each day. Make it Digital and Written. Go over it with him and get his approval on everything. Add things he wants added or delete things he feels are not necessary. Once you have the list together, have it set up on his cell phone calendar as a daily reminder of each thing he should ask you about. Make sure that the reminder pops up everyday at the same time with a unique ring tone he can not ignore and will hear. Try to help him get in the routine of it somehow (by a txt or reminder email to be on the lookout for the message on the phone.) Hopefully once he gets used to seeing the reminder and checking up on you, it will become routine.
Question #3) "I am a young woman (26) in my first master/slave relationship. I met my master on the Internet about three months ago. He is very experienced, and he has had many slaves before. He knows what he’s doing, I can tell. We didn't actually meet before our first session, and we have only been discussing via text messages and email. I have never even looked him in the eyes. The experience has been quite overwhelming. I’m not really complaining, I love our sessions and in general everything is going really well. As I said, we never speak face to face, but we have been texting a lot. At first it was only about the sessions, but now I’m getting to know him better, because he opens up to me more and more. I can sense that he likes talking to me. He has told me he doesn't usually talk to his slaves like this.
But one thing really bothers me a lot. He often texts me during the day, telling all sorts of things about his day. He likes the fact that I care. But he doesn't seem to care about… me. As a person. He never asks how I am doing. He knows I’m a student, but he doesn't know what my major is. He hasn't asked a single question about my job, even though I often mention things like having a rough day at work. He doesn't seem to care at all! This makes me feel extremely sad and confused, and I don’t know if I have the right to feel like that. I know was always supposed to be his slave, he doesn't have the responsibility to get to know me better as a person. But I assumed I wouldn't get to know him either. But he confides in me more and more, and it seems I’m the one he contacts when he needs to talk to someone about anything. He doesn't talk to me as my master, but more like a friend or lover. How can it be that he wants to keep in touch every day, but doesn't care at all about how I am doing? If this was any other relationship, I would end it. But he is still my master when we meet, and our sessions are wonderful.
Would you have any advice to give me? I cannot talk to him about it, because if he really likes me more than he thought he would, I don’t want to ruin it. I’m just so confused, I didn't expect this at all. It confuses me that he doesn't stay in his master role all the time. I wouldn't mind having a more personal relationship with him, but at this point it’s just all about him. He doesn't know anything about me and doesn't even want to know, and it really hurts."
I actually consulted my Padrone (Master) on this question He thinks that your Master may be a little bit of a Narcissist. That is someone who gains gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of their own attributes. He enjoys sharing things about himself to make himself feel good but doesn't even attempt to learn more about or take care of you emotionally. To me, he is not a true Master or Dominant, but someone that is in the relationship for the kinky sex. From what you wrote, he satisfies you sexually but not in any other way.
My Padrone's advice to you: If you can continue with the relationship as it is without hurting yourself more, then do so. But, if you are continuously being hurt by this relationship, you need to think about ending it before it hurts you more.
You now have to think about yourself, your own emotions and well being and your future. I urge you to have a deep think about what you want for yourself and your future and your partner in the future. You are not getting what you need emotionally and that is taking a toll on you. After getting a clear picture of what you want for the future, talk to your Master and tell him how you feel. You have to take the initiative on this. If he doesn't see your side of things or refuses to change, that's when you have to decide how you want to proceed. Can you live with such a one-sided relationship? Or are you doing yourself more harm by continuing with how things are? Yes you are submissive but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is bad for you.
If you have any comments or additional advice for the questions above, please leave them below! If you have questions yourself that you want advice on, please email us at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "We're trying to live life as a 24/7 D/s couple but it is complicated. We feel that this is our path to take but it's very difficult to stay concentrated because things in life happen around us all the time. We are determined to continue because we feel that this is not a game for us but what we desire to be. What advice can you give to help us keep our roles?"
First you both have to be very committed to establishing and maintaining this type of relationship. I would suggest setting realistic goals and rules for your relationship. Set up protocols and routines that you both can agree to and work with that fit into your lifestyle. Make sure that you both understand all punishments that are to be given and why (if you practice a lifestyle with a punishment basis). Even living a 24/7 D/s or M/s lifestyle, we all deal with regular everyday life such as families, jobs, chores (faccende) etc.
With rules, start out with easy to follow ones such as what kind of clothes to wear, who you can and can not talk to (males, females), how you keep your body groomed (shaving, hair color etc).
Protocols would be include things like how you address your Dominant in public and at home, when you wear your collar, how you greet your Dom when he gets home from work. Make simple ones and keep in mind that life gets in the way for everyone. If you work and come home tired most days, your dominant should not expect you to go into your submissive mode as soon as you walk into the door.
Take time for yourself before you get into your submissive mood. Shut out the outside world and make your home your own BDSM heaven.
Take time for yourself before you get into your submissive mood. Shut out the outside world and make your home your own BDSM heaven.
Question #2) "How do I approach my master with wanting to have more structure? We don't live together and his health problems affect his memory. We have tried reminder programs and such by none seem to help. I like the idea of having protocols in place that way it's easier on him and so I don't get upset when he forgets."
Sit down and write out a list of rules, protocols and daily chores you would like to follow each day. Make it Digital and Written. Go over it with him and get his approval on everything. Add things he wants added or delete things he feels are not necessary. Once you have the list together, have it set up on his cell phone calendar as a daily reminder of each thing he should ask you about. Make sure that the reminder pops up everyday at the same time with a unique ring tone he can not ignore and will hear. Try to help him get in the routine of it somehow (by a txt or reminder email to be on the lookout for the message on the phone.) Hopefully once he gets used to seeing the reminder and checking up on you, it will become routine.
Question #3) "I am a young woman (26) in my first master/slave relationship. I met my master on the Internet about three months ago. He is very experienced, and he has had many slaves before. He knows what he’s doing, I can tell. We didn't actually meet before our first session, and we have only been discussing via text messages and email. I have never even looked him in the eyes. The experience has been quite overwhelming. I’m not really complaining, I love our sessions and in general everything is going really well. As I said, we never speak face to face, but we have been texting a lot. At first it was only about the sessions, but now I’m getting to know him better, because he opens up to me more and more. I can sense that he likes talking to me. He has told me he doesn't usually talk to his slaves like this.
But one thing really bothers me a lot. He often texts me during the day, telling all sorts of things about his day. He likes the fact that I care. But he doesn't seem to care about… me. As a person. He never asks how I am doing. He knows I’m a student, but he doesn't know what my major is. He hasn't asked a single question about my job, even though I often mention things like having a rough day at work. He doesn't seem to care at all! This makes me feel extremely sad and confused, and I don’t know if I have the right to feel like that. I know was always supposed to be his slave, he doesn't have the responsibility to get to know me better as a person. But I assumed I wouldn't get to know him either. But he confides in me more and more, and it seems I’m the one he contacts when he needs to talk to someone about anything. He doesn't talk to me as my master, but more like a friend or lover. How can it be that he wants to keep in touch every day, but doesn't care at all about how I am doing? If this was any other relationship, I would end it. But he is still my master when we meet, and our sessions are wonderful.
Would you have any advice to give me? I cannot talk to him about it, because if he really likes me more than he thought he would, I don’t want to ruin it. I’m just so confused, I didn't expect this at all. It confuses me that he doesn't stay in his master role all the time. I wouldn't mind having a more personal relationship with him, but at this point it’s just all about him. He doesn't know anything about me and doesn't even want to know, and it really hurts."
I actually consulted my Padrone (Master) on this question He thinks that your Master may be a little bit of a Narcissist. That is someone who gains gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of their own attributes. He enjoys sharing things about himself to make himself feel good but doesn't even attempt to learn more about or take care of you emotionally. To me, he is not a true Master or Dominant, but someone that is in the relationship for the kinky sex. From what you wrote, he satisfies you sexually but not in any other way.
My Padrone's advice to you: If you can continue with the relationship as it is without hurting yourself more, then do so. But, if you are continuously being hurt by this relationship, you need to think about ending it before it hurts you more.
You now have to think about yourself, your own emotions and well being and your future. I urge you to have a deep think about what you want for yourself and your future and your partner in the future. You are not getting what you need emotionally and that is taking a toll on you. After getting a clear picture of what you want for the future, talk to your Master and tell him how you feel. You have to take the initiative on this. If he doesn't see your side of things or refuses to change, that's when you have to decide how you want to proceed. Can you live with such a one-sided relationship? Or are you doing yourself more harm by continuing with how things are? Yes you are submissive but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is bad for you.
If you have any comments or additional advice for the questions above, please leave them below! If you have questions yourself that you want advice on, please email us at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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If you are new to the lifestyle or find yourself confused at times and reverting back and forth between BDSM and vanilla life, the following post should help you.
I have gotten many emails lately asking for advice on how to spice up or restart a D/s or M/s relationship. There have been many couples that start exploring the BDSM lifestyle after one of the partners had read an erotica book talking about the subject.
Here is an evolution of new couples entering into the BDSM lifestyle and what I have observed in talking to many different couples that approach me seeking advice. A couple will start playing with toys and move into bondage and start experimenting with various levels of S&M. By this time, they get a feel of who is more dominant and submissive. They assume one of the roles and start getting deeper into the D/s (mental and psychological) part of BDSM. During the first 3-6 months, the couple is very committed and focused on setting up their own rules, limits, punishments, etc. After a while, they start slacking off on punishments, rules, or playtime and have many periods of a vanilla relationship. The submissive usually is the first one to complain about the lessening of her rules or the change or lack of interest from the Dominant in making sure that she is following his set standards.
There are many reasons that this can happen. One party might not be as into it as they were at first because it takes work and discipline to keep up and maintain a true D/s or M/s relationship. Life events might throw many obstacles in the way and the relationship takes a back seat. Changes in feelings from one or both partners can also contribute to the slacking off of a D/s relationship.
In some cases, it is the submissive that changes the relationship. In today's society with work, children, and the general consensus of the population, it can be hard for a submissive, especially females to maintain a submissive mind. At work and at home, they are often tasked with leading or problem solving on their own, which leads to a more dominant state of mind.
Now, how can you combat these issues and maintain a somewhat consistent BDSM relationship while working, taking care of kids, and dealing with today's beliefs in popular society? There are many ways to keep a submissive mind and to stay focused on the D/s or M/s part of your relationship.
The number one rule is that you both have to be committed. One person can't stay in the Dominant or submissive state of mind while the other one is thinking vanilla. When you are together, you have to become used to automatically assuming the role of Dom or sub. After a while and consciously focusing on your role and responsibilities within that role, it will become habit or second nature to you.
As a submissive, there are several things you can do to help put yourself in or maintain a submissive state of mind. I suggest meditating every day when you first wake up or taking 10 minutes before your Dominant comes home to ready your mind. This can be especially helpful when you have been working all day or at home taking care of children.
During the day, most people work and aren't together. Utilizing technology such as cell phones, text messages, Instant messenger, GPS and cameras, you as a Dominant can maintain a sense of power over your sub throughout the day. This will give you a continuous feeling of your domination but also help your submissive maintain a secure feeling as well as a submissive state of mind. In a previous post, I go into great detail on utilizing technology.
One other mistake that I see many couples new to the lifestyle making quite often is by incorporating too many types of toys into a play session. While we all love our toys, sometimes using too many ones in a session can make the sub confused and uncomfortable. In some cases, it can make the sub feel disconnected to the Dominant, like he really isn't interested in her but just going through the motions. If this sounds like your relationship, take out the toys and get back to basics.
You might be surprised at how something so simple can bring a couple back together and back into the D/s or M/s harmony they seek.
What do you think about it? Comment and share this article on your social media accounts or email it to a friend!
Difficulties In Maintaining a True D/s Relationship
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