With all of the books, fictional and non-fictional, movies, blogs and other social media sites, how do you know what information to trust and follow versus things that go against the BDSM Lifestyle? I think you have to use your own judgment, first of all. BDSM contains many diverse sub cultures that not all people embrace.
When you are trying to find your way around the BDSM community, especially if you are participating online only, you have to keep a very open mind and embrace those parts of BDSM that fit comfortably with your own sense of morality. You will come to notice that the rules are different in almost every group/website/forum you read and comment in.
Some groups are very formal and demand all Dominants be called by a title of respect from the beginning and will actually kick people out for not doing so. I've seen other groups that are more like one huge 'clique' where if you have a different outlook or opinion than they do, you will be ridiculed or put out of the group. In my opinion, these are not good groups to be a part of and are not good places for a newbie to start learning the ins and outs of BDSM. Groups/websites that promote discussion, healthy debate, and varied topics are the most informative ones to read and also to help you form your own identity on your own journey through BDSM.
If you have read fictional books or movies that have elements of S&M in them, I would highly recommend you do not use those as examples of what you want or think your own relationship should look like. These types of books usually have such ridiculous expectations that they could never hold up in a real life situation. Yes, the sex scenes played out can be very hot, but they never give the examples of what happens if someone panics during, if a sub safewords, or if the Dom just gets a little too out of hand during a scene.
After the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy came out, so many people rushed online to 'get a BDSM experience' and you saw blog after blog pop up from people touting to be experts on the subject. I can tell you that there are many good personal blogs but there are also many that give you information that is not healthy.
I read many blogs and sites about Kink and BDSM and make the determination if it is a viable option to pass along by one simple test. 'Does the site/blog use the basic SSC /RACK concept when giving advice about certain situations?'. If the site promotes scenes that do not meet these requirements, to me, they are not a place I would want new Doms/subs getting information from. They promote unhealthy practices and would lead newbies in the wrong direction.
The BDSM community in general is a wonderfully open and accepting world. They don't judge you for the type of kink or dynamic you practice. If you decide to exclude certain elements from your own relationship, you won't receive lectures on how you are not a 'true' bdsm practitioner. There are some basic rules every Dom/sub must abide by to ensure the safety of themselves and others.
Consent - Every act/scene/relationship has to be agreed upon by mutually consenting adults before any participation.
Trust - You should trust your chosen partner completely so neither of you suffer mentally or emotionally.
Safeword - Dominants will honor your safeword anytime you use it. Subs don't be afraid to use it if needed.
Besides my own blog, here is a list of blogs written by people that truly have great knowledge as well as integrity while offering posts on various topics written from different points of view:
The Lair of Lady Hecate
Submissive Guide
Kinkly.com
A Submissive's Initiative
While I'm sure there are many more blogs out there written by knowledgeable and responsible people, these are the ones that I always recommend when asked.
If you have any blogs you feel can help other people obtain or gain BDSM knowledge, please leave the link in the comments section!
When you are trying to find your way around the BDSM community, especially if you are participating online only, you have to keep a very open mind and embrace those parts of BDSM that fit comfortably with your own sense of morality. You will come to notice that the rules are different in almost every group/website/forum you read and comment in.
Some groups are very formal and demand all Dominants be called by a title of respect from the beginning and will actually kick people out for not doing so. I've seen other groups that are more like one huge 'clique' where if you have a different outlook or opinion than they do, you will be ridiculed or put out of the group. In my opinion, these are not good groups to be a part of and are not good places for a newbie to start learning the ins and outs of BDSM. Groups/websites that promote discussion, healthy debate, and varied topics are the most informative ones to read and also to help you form your own identity on your own journey through BDSM.
If you have read fictional books or movies that have elements of S&M in them, I would highly recommend you do not use those as examples of what you want or think your own relationship should look like. These types of books usually have such ridiculous expectations that they could never hold up in a real life situation. Yes, the sex scenes played out can be very hot, but they never give the examples of what happens if someone panics during, if a sub safewords, or if the Dom just gets a little too out of hand during a scene.
After the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy came out, so many people rushed online to 'get a BDSM experience' and you saw blog after blog pop up from people touting to be experts on the subject. I can tell you that there are many good personal blogs but there are also many that give you information that is not healthy.
I read many blogs and sites about Kink and BDSM and make the determination if it is a viable option to pass along by one simple test. 'Does the site/blog use the basic SSC /RACK concept when giving advice about certain situations?'. If the site promotes scenes that do not meet these requirements, to me, they are not a place I would want new Doms/subs getting information from. They promote unhealthy practices and would lead newbies in the wrong direction.
The BDSM community in general is a wonderfully open and accepting world. They don't judge you for the type of kink or dynamic you practice. If you decide to exclude certain elements from your own relationship, you won't receive lectures on how you are not a 'true' bdsm practitioner. There are some basic rules every Dom/sub must abide by to ensure the safety of themselves and others.
Consent - Every act/scene/relationship has to be agreed upon by mutually consenting adults before any participation.
Trust - You should trust your chosen partner completely so neither of you suffer mentally or emotionally.
Safeword - Dominants will honor your safeword anytime you use it. Subs don't be afraid to use it if needed.
Besides my own blog, here is a list of blogs written by people that truly have great knowledge as well as integrity while offering posts on various topics written from different points of view:
The Lair of Lady Hecate
Submissive Guide
Kinkly.com
A Submissive's Initiative
While I'm sure there are many more blogs out there written by knowledgeable and responsible people, these are the ones that I always recommend when asked.
If you have any blogs you feel can help other people obtain or gain BDSM knowledge, please leave the link in the comments section!
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I was sitting in the hotel, just working as usual on the internet, when a thought hit me all of a sudden.
I was wearing a sleeveless dress and had not even given it a second thought! This was staggering!
See, before this year, I was extremely self conscience about my upper arms being flabby and not the perfectly shaped muscles you see portrayed in pictures and movies that every other woman seems to have, except me.
I didn't have the confidence in myself to be comfortable in my own skin. It took me 43 years to get there, but I finally have arrived. I love my shape and I love my body just as it is. It's the only one I will ever get! I finally learned to stop caring what other people thought of my body and what I put on it. I have 2 tattoos, fat rolls, stretch marks, scars, flabby arms and thighs. I love every part of me because I earned those imperfections. They are badges of honor for the life I have lead so far.
I also realized that me not taking pride in myself, in my body, was in a way, disrespecting my Padrone. Padrone loves my body as it is. He has always encouraged me to wear things that fit my shape and show it off versus covering it all up in large, shapeless clothes. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how proud he is to show me off when we are out and about. I grew up thinking if you were larger than a size 8, you had to wear really big clothes to disguise your shape. That's just what people did. As I got older and got involved in unhealthy relationships as an adult, I continued thinking being fat and showing off my shape was a sin. Now, I know better!
Being a BDSM submissive slave has so many facets to it. For me, it's a mindset, a lifestyle, and an overall philosophy. Taking pride in myself, my actions and my body is taking pride in my submission. How? It means that I know I am worthy of all the attention my Padrone gives to me. I am worthy of his love and guidance. I am worthy of everything he gives me.
When I didn't show confidence in my body, how could I be confident in my submission? If I don't like myself, like everything about me, that is just like me telling Padrone he is wrong about what he thinks about me. If he likes my body as it is but I don't, that is not submitting to him completely. As a slave, I have surrendered my entire self to him willingly and consensually. When I agreed to become his slave, I agreed that his word was always final. He loves me as I am but I didn't, so I was violating my submission to him.
As a submissive, you take pride in how you serve your Dominant. You follow their directions, perform tasks, follow their rules and protocols. You take pride in your abilities and love learning new ways and forms of submission. If you are not confident in yourself, it will affect your submission. There are things that your Dominant will ask you and if you aren't confident in yourself and your abilities, you will feel like you are being pushed past your limits and might shut down or strike out at your dominant.
If you don't feel confident in yourself, figure out why. If it's how you look or how you act, work on changing or accepting it. You cannot fully understand submission and give yourself over to someone else's care unless you fully understand and accept yourself.
Take a few moments each day, whether it is the first thing or the last thing you do to start building that confidence in yourself that you deserve to feel. Own your body. Own your mind. Own your surroundings.
How can someone else 'own you' if you never knew what it means to 'own yourself'?
I was wearing a sleeveless dress and had not even given it a second thought! This was staggering!
See, before this year, I was extremely self conscience about my upper arms being flabby and not the perfectly shaped muscles you see portrayed in pictures and movies that every other woman seems to have, except me.
I didn't have the confidence in myself to be comfortable in my own skin. It took me 43 years to get there, but I finally have arrived. I love my shape and I love my body just as it is. It's the only one I will ever get! I finally learned to stop caring what other people thought of my body and what I put on it. I have 2 tattoos, fat rolls, stretch marks, scars, flabby arms and thighs. I love every part of me because I earned those imperfections. They are badges of honor for the life I have lead so far.
I also realized that me not taking pride in myself, in my body, was in a way, disrespecting my Padrone. Padrone loves my body as it is. He has always encouraged me to wear things that fit my shape and show it off versus covering it all up in large, shapeless clothes. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how proud he is to show me off when we are out and about. I grew up thinking if you were larger than a size 8, you had to wear really big clothes to disguise your shape. That's just what people did. As I got older and got involved in unhealthy relationships as an adult, I continued thinking being fat and showing off my shape was a sin. Now, I know better!
Being a BDSM submissive slave has so many facets to it. For me, it's a mindset, a lifestyle, and an overall philosophy. Taking pride in myself, my actions and my body is taking pride in my submission. How? It means that I know I am worthy of all the attention my Padrone gives to me. I am worthy of his love and guidance. I am worthy of everything he gives me.
When I didn't show confidence in my body, how could I be confident in my submission? If I don't like myself, like everything about me, that is just like me telling Padrone he is wrong about what he thinks about me. If he likes my body as it is but I don't, that is not submitting to him completely. As a slave, I have surrendered my entire self to him willingly and consensually. When I agreed to become his slave, I agreed that his word was always final. He loves me as I am but I didn't, so I was violating my submission to him.
As a submissive, you take pride in how you serve your Dominant. You follow their directions, perform tasks, follow their rules and protocols. You take pride in your abilities and love learning new ways and forms of submission. If you are not confident in yourself, it will affect your submission. There are things that your Dominant will ask you and if you aren't confident in yourself and your abilities, you will feel like you are being pushed past your limits and might shut down or strike out at your dominant.
Take a few moments each day, whether it is the first thing or the last thing you do to start building that confidence in yourself that you deserve to feel. Own your body. Own your mind. Own your surroundings.
How can someone else 'own you' if you never knew what it means to 'own yourself'?
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I have worn a collar for almost 5 years straight. Padrone has bought every one and put them on me. Today, I took it off. Why? Because I have a small mosquito bite that is very sore and is being irritated by the collar. It feels so weird not having my collar on because I literally always have it on: showers, sleeping, everywhere else. Having my collar off felt weird but also sparked many questions in my brain.
Does me taking it off mean I'm less submissive? No.
Does me not wearing it when I'm outside show disrespect for my Padrone? Absolutely not.
Am I still as devoted and committed to serving him today as I was yesterday with or without wearing my collar? Absolutely yes.
Does a collar define who I am as a slave? No.
I wrote a post titled All About Collars a few years ago. In it, I tried to define the history and significance of giving a collar to a partner as well as the importance of it. Over the past year, I have seen an alarming trend among single submissives, especially those that are newer to the BDSM Lifestyle. These submissives are showing a trend towards two distinctly different paths but both having one goal: wearing a Collar.
These subs see having a Collar as a status symbol in the community. They feel that a collar will give them more importance and make them look more legitimate within the BDSM community. Most of these types of subs are Online only subs, those people that practice BDSM online only and do not live it in their real world everyday lives.
The first trend is the submissive whose main goal is to become the submissive partner to a dominant and get a collar. This type of sub doesn't care if their relationship will last long or not, they are just determined to attach themselves to a Dom who will collar them and give them the 'bragging rights' that they are collared as compared to other subs in the groups they frequent.
I was Padrone's slave for 5 months before he even collared me. He wanted to make sure that we had a good fit and we needed to work out our relationship as it was online only at that time. We both had preconceived notions as to how our dynamic would work. After many ups and downs, time and patience, and many honest and open discussions, we worked out all of our protocols, limits, rules and other relationship details. Only after all of these had been worked on and agreed to did Padrone buy and send me a collar. When we both felt the time was right for us both to make that deeper commitment was when we took that final step.
We already had a wonderful relationship and connection without me wearing an actual collar. It was the feelings inside me that made me want and crave submitting to him. It was the emotions and a connection that I was meant to be his that made me his slave, not a piece of metal around my neck. When he placed the collar on my neck it was a symbol that reflected our love, commitment, and devotion. The collar itself was not what made me submit.
The second trend I've seen all around various BDSM online sites are unattached subs buying collars and wearing them as a fashion statement. These subs love to post pics of themselves all over the internet and their pages wearing a collar and claiming to be a submissive or slave without actually being in any type of relationship. In these cases, that collar they have around their necks are nothing but decoration. There is no meaning behind it, no matter what the person wearing it claims.
I've read things like wearing a collar makes them feel submissive or wearing a collar shows the world that they are a submissive. Wearing a collar was meant to be a gift from a Dominant to his/her submissive. It is meant for that submissive to feel more submissive, loved and secure. It is also meant to be a symbol for the two of them of their devotion and relationship dynamic. Being a single person wearing a collar is not going to 'make you submissive' nor can it really 'make you feel like a sub'. These are things that you have to feel on your own, within a true BDSM dynamic, to understand the real meaning of what it is to be collared by your Dominant.
I have no idea how long I will be without my collar. It all depends on how long it takes for this annoying bug bite to go away and heal. But during this time, I won't feel any less of a slave to my Padrone. I won't act any differently in our dynamic. It won't make people in the outside world or online see me differently. Why? Because my actions, words, and feelings always show everyone around me who I belong to. People automatically know that I am taken and have no interest in anyone else.
I hope if you are one of those subs that are into the lifestyle just looking at a collar as a status symbol that this will help you understand that there is a much deeper meaning to being collared. I hope you understand that without feeling the deep need and connection inside yourself that any collar you wear around your neck is meaningless and just a piece of metal or leather.
There are so many things that have evolved in the BDSM community over the past 15 years but I hope the true meaning of the collar never changes. I, for one, will never think of it or wear one unless the devotion and submission are felt inside myself.
Let me know your thoughts on this matter by leaving a comment below!
Does me taking it off mean I'm less submissive? No.
Does me not wearing it when I'm outside show disrespect for my Padrone? Absolutely not.
Am I still as devoted and committed to serving him today as I was yesterday with or without wearing my collar? Absolutely yes.
Does a collar define who I am as a slave? No.
These subs see having a Collar as a status symbol in the community. They feel that a collar will give them more importance and make them look more legitimate within the BDSM community. Most of these types of subs are Online only subs, those people that practice BDSM online only and do not live it in their real world everyday lives.The first trend is the submissive whose main goal is to become the submissive partner to a dominant and get a collar. This type of sub doesn't care if their relationship will last long or not, they are just determined to attach themselves to a Dom who will collar them and give them the 'bragging rights' that they are collared as compared to other subs in the groups they frequent.
I was Padrone's slave for 5 months before he even collared me. He wanted to make sure that we had a good fit and we needed to work out our relationship as it was online only at that time. We both had preconceived notions as to how our dynamic would work. After many ups and downs, time and patience, and many honest and open discussions, we worked out all of our protocols, limits, rules and other relationship details. Only after all of these had been worked on and agreed to did Padrone buy and send me a collar. When we both felt the time was right for us both to make that deeper commitment was when we took that final step.
We already had a wonderful relationship and connection without me wearing an actual collar. It was the feelings inside me that made me want and crave submitting to him. It was the emotions and a connection that I was meant to be his that made me his slave, not a piece of metal around my neck. When he placed the collar on my neck it was a symbol that reflected our love, commitment, and devotion. The collar itself was not what made me submit.The second trend I've seen all around various BDSM online sites are unattached subs buying collars and wearing them as a fashion statement. These subs love to post pics of themselves all over the internet and their pages wearing a collar and claiming to be a submissive or slave without actually being in any type of relationship. In these cases, that collar they have around their necks are nothing but decoration. There is no meaning behind it, no matter what the person wearing it claims.
I've read things like wearing a collar makes them feel submissive or wearing a collar shows the world that they are a submissive. Wearing a collar was meant to be a gift from a Dominant to his/her submissive. It is meant for that submissive to feel more submissive, loved and secure. It is also meant to be a symbol for the two of them of their devotion and relationship dynamic. Being a single person wearing a collar is not going to 'make you submissive' nor can it really 'make you feel like a sub'. These are things that you have to feel on your own, within a true BDSM dynamic, to understand the real meaning of what it is to be collared by your Dominant.
I have no idea how long I will be without my collar. It all depends on how long it takes for this annoying bug bite to go away and heal. But during this time, I won't feel any less of a slave to my Padrone. I won't act any differently in our dynamic. It won't make people in the outside world or online see me differently. Why? Because my actions, words, and feelings always show everyone around me who I belong to. People automatically know that I am taken and have no interest in anyone else.I hope if you are one of those subs that are into the lifestyle just looking at a collar as a status symbol that this will help you understand that there is a much deeper meaning to being collared. I hope you understand that without feeling the deep need and connection inside yourself that any collar you wear around your neck is meaningless and just a piece of metal or leather.
There are so many things that have evolved in the BDSM community over the past 15 years but I hope the true meaning of the collar never changes. I, for one, will never think of it or wear one unless the devotion and submission are felt inside myself.
Let me know your thoughts on this matter by leaving a comment below!
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For every new submissive entering into the world of BDSM for the first time, there are many things that you will learn over time by reading and researching, participating in munches and groups, but also eventually entering into a relationship with a Dominant. As you gain experiences and continuously educate yourself, you will find that some of your Limits and beliefs change.
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
After spending so many years in the Lifestyle, but also advising and helping many people with various aspects of BDSM, here are my top five items that I think every new submissive should know and consider before getting deeply involved in the BDSM community.
1. Have a Limits List filled out.
Even if you have not participated in any S&M or BDSM activities, download, research and check off all items that you will and will not allow. This will not only help you understand portions of the Lifestyle that you may have never heard of but also help any future potential partners know your limits and be able to compare them to their own.
2. You do not owe your submission to anyone. Submitting to a Dominant is your choice.
Submitting to a dominant is a very personal choice and should never be given to anyone lightly. After you find the dominant you feel a very deep need and desire to serve and submit to, that's when you will know it's the right time to submit. You always have the option to say NO. Never forget that.
If any dominant demands you submit to them in any way, no matter if you are online or in real life, just tell them no or walk away. If they persist in harassing you, report them to the admin of the online site or to the host of the real life get together.
3. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the General BDSM Basics before participating in any activities.
Read and research all you can about the various ways to practice BDSM. There are many web sites and books that you can read to gain a basic knowledge of the different relationship dynamics, titles, and roles. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to participate in group activities and have a better understanding of weeding out the fakes that are not really dominants or submissives but only looking for someone to abuse.
4. Keep an Open Mind and Don't Judge Other's Kink.
When you start learning and actually practicing BDSM, you will come across many different things that you may not like. You have to keep in mind that just because something is not your type of kink, that it doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect someone else for practicing a different version of the Lifestyle.
5. Take Your Time to Find Your Own Way. Always Think Safety First.
Don't rush into Any situations or relationships without being aware of what could happen.
If you rush into a relationship, rather it be for a play scene or a longer relationship, you will most likely end up hurt because you rushed into a situation without understanding the consequences or really knowing the person you entered into a play scene/relationship with.
You can download my free Limits Worksheet at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/515793.
Every veteran in the BDSM scene will have their own list that they think a submissive should know. As you grow in knowledge and years of practicing the Lifestyle, you will compile your own list that will most likely be different from mine above. If you have anything you would like to add, please comment below!
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Over the past week, I've read several posts on different websites about submissives feeling like they have lost their own sense of self because of the amount of effort, energy, time, and emotions they are investing in their relationship with their Dominant. They feel like they are doing everything for their dominants and not keeping their core selfs intact.
Being a submissive should make you feel positive things, not negative. You should feel loved not alone, found not lost, protected not exposed. Yes, as with any relationship, there will be times that you are in disagreement with your dominant partner and there will be times when you may question your submission. But for the most part, you should want and feel the need to serve your Dominant.
I am fortunate in that I literally spend 24/7 with my Padrone. He takes me everywhere. I go to work with him 6 nights a week and we are usually in the same room together. Now, some might find this stifling or co-dependant behavior, but for us, it's just our normal. There are times when I spend an hour or so in a different room during the day on the rare occasions I'm awake during a time to enjoy a bit of sun. Or, I might take the dogs for a walk but am never gone for more than 30 minutes.
I never feel like I don't have my own identity or that by serving Padrone, with all of the things I do, that I am to caught up in him. He never says anything about what I read or watch on TV. He always encourages me to do what makes me happy and not to stress about things. He has things he enjoys reading and studying on the internet that I have no interest in and I read genres of books that he raises his eyebrows at. But again, we know we are two very different people but we mesh together in a way that is poetic.
For those that are feeling that you have lost your sense of self or own individual identity outside submission, ask yourself why? What is making you feel this way? How long have you felt this? Is it a bad phase that you are passing through or are there valid reasons? Does your dominant push his point of view onto yours and disregard your feelings? Does your Dom isolate you from family and friends?
You have to sit down and think about your life as a whole, including friends, family, coworkers as well as your dominant. Remember how it was before you met and started submitting to your Dom and how it has changed afterwards.
Pinpoint the differences and write them down. This is what you will need to use to find the balance that you feel you're missing. You have to have balance while submitting to your dominant but also keeping your inner self happy.
My submission and the decision I made to become Padrone's consensual slave didn't change my identity, but just made me feel as if I had finally found my place in life and the one that I was born to be with. My life has changed drastically from before I met him to now, but my core personality, my sense of self has not changed. If you are with the right person, the right partner, they will not try to change your core values and personality.
Did you give up activities that you really enjoy doing after you submitted? Are you not getting enough 'you time'? Even if you feel the pull to give your entire life over to your dominant to direct as they see fit, you and your Dom have to realize that you both have to have some activities that you like to pursue by yourself. You have to have downtime where you are allowed to think about yourself and pursue your own interests without the interference or obligations of submission.
After you evaluate your life, think of changes you would like to make or introduce into your relationship with your dominant. Most dominants will understand and accept the changes because their number one priority is to ensure the happiness and health of their sub.
Being a submissive or slave to a Dominant should be a joyous event and never seen as negative. Even though you may be the submissive in the relationship, you have to remember to communicate openly and honestly to your dominant about your feelings, whether they are good or bad. Dominants are not mind readers, despite how they may come across. Let them know everything you feel and together, you can work towards a solution that will benefit you both.
Being a submissive should make you feel positive things, not negative. You should feel loved not alone, found not lost, protected not exposed. Yes, as with any relationship, there will be times that you are in disagreement with your dominant partner and there will be times when you may question your submission. But for the most part, you should want and feel the need to serve your Dominant.
I am fortunate in that I literally spend 24/7 with my Padrone. He takes me everywhere. I go to work with him 6 nights a week and we are usually in the same room together. Now, some might find this stifling or co-dependant behavior, but for us, it's just our normal. There are times when I spend an hour or so in a different room during the day on the rare occasions I'm awake during a time to enjoy a bit of sun. Or, I might take the dogs for a walk but am never gone for more than 30 minutes.
I never feel like I don't have my own identity or that by serving Padrone, with all of the things I do, that I am to caught up in him. He never says anything about what I read or watch on TV. He always encourages me to do what makes me happy and not to stress about things. He has things he enjoys reading and studying on the internet that I have no interest in and I read genres of books that he raises his eyebrows at. But again, we know we are two very different people but we mesh together in a way that is poetic.
For those that are feeling that you have lost your sense of self or own individual identity outside submission, ask yourself why? What is making you feel this way? How long have you felt this? Is it a bad phase that you are passing through or are there valid reasons? Does your dominant push his point of view onto yours and disregard your feelings? Does your Dom isolate you from family and friends?
You have to sit down and think about your life as a whole, including friends, family, coworkers as well as your dominant. Remember how it was before you met and started submitting to your Dom and how it has changed afterwards.
Pinpoint the differences and write them down. This is what you will need to use to find the balance that you feel you're missing. You have to have balance while submitting to your dominant but also keeping your inner self happy.
Did you give up activities that you really enjoy doing after you submitted? Are you not getting enough 'you time'? Even if you feel the pull to give your entire life over to your dominant to direct as they see fit, you and your Dom have to realize that you both have to have some activities that you like to pursue by yourself. You have to have downtime where you are allowed to think about yourself and pursue your own interests without the interference or obligations of submission.
After you evaluate your life, think of changes you would like to make or introduce into your relationship with your dominant. Most dominants will understand and accept the changes because their number one priority is to ensure the happiness and health of their sub.
Being a submissive or slave to a Dominant should be a joyous event and never seen as negative. Even though you may be the submissive in the relationship, you have to remember to communicate openly and honestly to your dominant about your feelings, whether they are good or bad. Dominants are not mind readers, despite how they may come across. Let them know everything you feel and together, you can work towards a solution that will benefit you both.
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In honor of National Woman's Day, I'd like to take a moment to recognize all of the women that participate in the BDSM Lifestyle!
Whether you are Dominant, Submissive, or Switch; tall, short, skinny or curvy; You are all awesome!
Whether you are Dominant, Submissive, or Switch; tall, short, skinny or curvy; You are all awesome!
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| Female Dominant |
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| Female Submissive |
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| Female Switch |
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| Happy Woman's Day! |
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Two and a half years ago, Padrone and I got home from work around 6:30 in the morning as usual. We changed clothes, ate, and were relaxing in bed watching TV by 7:15 am. Around 8 am, Padrone said he had a headache. About 10 minutes later, he started complaining of chest pains, leg pains, and being extremely hot. His heart started beating faster also. I told him to call the ambulance.
Now, I'm an American that doesn't speak Italian very well. I didn't know the emergency numbers nor do we have any close friends that we could call for help.
Luckily, Padrone was calm and lucid enough to call for the ambulance and to tell me to go wait for them outside and bring them up. They arrived with lights flashing and sirens blaring. I have to tell you that I was scared and didn't understand anything they were saying. I had to make myself stay calm and wait for Padrone's instructions. He informed me that his blood pressure was very high and they had to take him to the hospital. He told the EMT's that I didn't speak Italian and asked for them to allow me to ride in the ambulance with him because he knew I had to be with him.
When we arrived they showed me to a waiting room and said "Stay" and left. I was waiting there for about 45 minutes when a nurse came and led me back to where they had Padrone hooked up to all these machines. Normally they didn't allow any family in the Emergency rooms with the patients but made an exception for me since Padrone told them about my epilepsy and how stress will trigger a bad seizure. He hoped by seeing him that it would keep me calm enough that I wouldn't seize. It worked. I didn't seize. I got to see him and see the meds they were giving him were making him better. At that time, we didn't know exactly what the problem was or if there were other underlying problems that made his blood pressure sky rocket since he never had a history of health problems.
Even though he was sick, he was thinking of me and wanted to protect me from being too stressed about the situation. He asked me to call his employer and let them know what was going on and then told me to stay as calm as I could because everything was going to be fine.
Padrone ended up staying in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights, of which I stayed with him the entire time. When we came home, I was still ok. I had not seized and had done everything asked of me. About 24 hours later, I had a massive seizure. Padrone and I both had been expecting it. It was just a matter of time of when it would hit, after dealing with so many days of a high stress situation.
Life got back to normal and two and a half years passed with no more health scares from Padrone. Then one morning, for no apparent reason about a month ago, Padrone had another high blood pressure attack. He called the ambulance and I started preparing things to go to the hospital just in case. I let the EMTs in and lead them to the apartment. I stayed calm the entire time and did as instructed. Luckily, Padrone's blood pressure wasn't so high that he needed to be hospitalized again. They gave him a shot and his pressure returned to a normal range within five minutes.
I dealt with the situation in a very calm manner and honestly wasn't expecting to have a seizure. I didn't feel one on the horizon. Padrone knew it was coming though. About 24 hours later, after I was confident that he was ok, it struck. Luckily it was only a medium seizure and not a very bad one.
Now things are back to normal and life is moving forward. I learned a few lessons from the two incidents.
Life got back to normal and two and a half years passed with no more health scares from Padrone. Then one morning, for no apparent reason about a month ago, Padrone had another high blood pressure attack. He called the ambulance and I started preparing things to go to the hospital just in case. I let the EMTs in and lead them to the apartment. I stayed calm the entire time and did as instructed. Luckily, Padrone's blood pressure wasn't so high that he needed to be hospitalized again. They gave him a shot and his pressure returned to a normal range within five minutes.
I dealt with the situation in a very calm manner and honestly wasn't expecting to have a seizure. I didn't feel one on the horizon. Padrone knew it was coming though. About 24 hours later, after I was confident that he was ok, it struck. Luckily it was only a medium seizure and not a very bad one.
Now things are back to normal and life is moving forward. I learned a few lessons from the two incidents.
- Remain calm. If you get hysterical or stressed out, you won't be able to function or help your Dominant in their time of need.
- Have a plan in place! Make sure you have numbers either written down or in your phone of contacts you need to notify of the situation. (Friends, Relatives, Employer)
- Don't allow your nervousness to be picked up by your dominant. They need to remain calm and to be assured that you are ok. They know you are worried but they need to know you can take care of yourself during this medical crisis.
- Allow yourself some breathing room when the main crisis is over. You need to come down from the adrenaline, excitement, and worry that has driven you for however long. You have to force it out.
- Don't dwell on the 'what ifs'. You cannot allow yourself to play that game. If you do, you will just make your own stress levels worse and possibly make yourself sick.
- If you live in a foreign country not of your birth, make sure you know the numbers to call in case of emergency!
There are so many different levels of submission and every sub has his or her own strength of character. We always rely so much on our dominants to help us daily deal with life, support us, give us strength and guidance. Most of us lean very heavily on them. It's sometimes hard going from them being the core of our strength to us having to become strong for them. But, when you love someone, when you want to take care of them and stand by them no matter the circumstances, you do whatever it takes.
I hope you never experience a medical emergency involving your Dominant, but if you do, have a plan in place to make sure you can deal with it without having to think to much.
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I always get emails asking how can I possibly live as a BDSM slave 24/7. I also get told that it's impossible to do it in today's world. I get others questioning like how do I balance being a slave while dealing with my epilepsy. Along this same line of questioning, I get the naysayers saying it's not possible because my illness takes up too much time.
I do live as a very proud BDSM slave every single day of the week, month, and year. It's very possible and I've proven over the past 4 1/2 years it's very doable. Of course, it takes constant work from both Padrone and myself but we want this type of relationship and we make it work.
How do we balance 'normal life stuff' with our M/s dynamic? Simple. We each know our roles. His is Master and mine is as his slave. I always do things that make his life, and in reality both of our lives, run smoother and easier. I never do anything to hurt or antagonize him. He guides me and I listen. Sometimes I am a little hard headed but in the end, I always listen. We always tell the other everything, no matter if it is good, bad or ugly. We try to never use hurtful words to the other. We've learned to never raise our voices during a very rare disagreement.
No matter what I'm doing, if he calls for me or asks something of me, I stop whatever I was doing and proceed to do what was asked with no complaints or grumbling. Why? Because that's the way a slave behaves and it makes me happy to do it. Every dynamic might not work like this, but ours does. I have no doubts about anything when it comes to Padrone. No reservations or hesitations. That's the kind of trust every slave should have with their Master. I know he would never use me in a way to hurt me or lead me down the wrong path. He always puts my welfare first.
I have had so many problems with my epilepsy these past few weeks and have been unable to do many of my normal duties but I still do whatever I can. During my down times, Padrone is right there supporting me, helping me in whatever way he can, and just being there for me. He cooks, feeds me, helps me walk when needed, applies medicine to my back, gives me massages, and whatever else he thinks will help. Some people would see this as not being the role of a Master. To me, he is a perfect example of what every Dominant that calls themselves Master should be. He is not switching and taking on the role of sub or slave. He is taking care of his slave, his property, the one he values more than anyone else in the world. Me.
Is it difficult to deal with epilepsy, especially the weird and ever evolving kind that I have? Yes. It's difficult to just try to live what most people consider a normal life. I have many duties that I consider part of my submissive tasks. Padrone has never assigned any specific tasks to me, I just knew what to do and do them. With the physical manifestations my epilepsy has forced me to deal with this past week, many of these duties have not been accomplished because I am just not able.
While I feel extremely frustrated, weak, and somewhat of a failure, Padrone never once said that. He constantly tells me how wonderful I am, how brave and beautiful I am to be dealing with so much pain and limitations. He keeps giving me encouraging words that come from his heart because he knows they help take my feeling of failure as a submissive away.
Being a slave doesn't mean I'm constantly bowing, kneeling, having sex, performing some type of bondage scene, being lead around on a leash, or cleaning the entire house with a toothbrush. That might be someone's reality, but that is not mine. Being a slave, the way we practice an M/s relationship, is anticipating every need Padrone may have. Cooking and cleaning to make him happy and comfortable. Staying by his side so that he sleeps better knowing I'm there. Snuggling and watching TV. Joking, laughing, loving, and living. It encompasses every part of our lives.
Being his slave means that yes, I am his property. I am his to use and do with as he pleases, anytime he wishes. But I am not a doormat or a quiet mouse. I have my own personality, thoughts and feelings. He has his own way of doing things, feelings and thoughts. But, we are one of the lucky couples that compliment each other perfectly. Our beliefs are the same, our likes, dislikes, and morals are all very similar. He is the perfect dominant to my submissive.
In good and bad health, no matter what the problem may be, we are always together, supporting and loving each other as best we can. Living with a chronic illness is not fun, but it does not stop me from being a slave 24/7. It may slow down certain activities, but I always do my best and I am always Padrone's slave.
I encourage those of you that have a chronic illness to not let it get you down and discouraged. Deal with it the best you can. Stay positive and focused, and most of all never give up. You can live a full life and have the type of BDSM relationship you want even while dealing with health problems. You just need to find the perfect fit for you. Or, as Padrone says in his Italian accented English, "Find your purrfect feet!"
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If you have explored the world of BDSM, you may have come across many different terms, titles and categories to describe Tops and bottoms of the power exchange or power dynamic of relationships. In the last few years, a couple of terms have been utilised much more frequently than previously, namely “Alpha Sub” and “Brat”.
While “Brat” has been around much longer than “Alpha Sub”, I will admit I do not agree with either term. I think that the very meaning of Brat goes against what it means to be submissive, as does the term Alpha.
If you consider the meaning of Alpha, it is defined as the leader, the dominant one, the head of the group. This is as opposed to the term Submissive which is defined as ready to conform to the will of others, compliant and obedient. If words and titles hold meaning for you, how can you use such an oxymoron? How is it possible to be a Dominant Leader that obeys the will of others? Am I taking their meanings too literally? Maybe. But to me and many other BDSM scholars, it just doesn’t make sense.
After researching the term Alpha Submissive, I found only a few references in some obscure articles prior to 2009. It seems that from 2009 forward, many people have picked up that term and started using it in various forms and meanings. The most used description is that of a woman that is dominant in every part of her life except for sexually. In my opinion, this is a Sexual Submissive or a Bedroom Submissive. But are we just talking semantics? Probably.
How and where did the term Alpha Sub come about? I haven’t been able to find that out. But Sexual Submissive and Bedroom Submissive have been used as terms to describe certain types of subs for at least 30 years and probably longer. They are not politically incorrect and they are not offensive. So why use such a contradictory term instead of the standard ones? I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s the fashionable thing to do. It’s a buzz word that many new people read somewhere in a fiction book or online and they think it describes them. Others that don’t like the word submissive may put Alpha in front of it to take away some of the meaning to justify their feelings to themselves. I am not a psychologist, nor am I a mind reader. But, this is the conclusion I have derived from the people I’ve talked with about this as well as my own observations throughout the Lifestyle over many years.
Brats are defined as a spoiled, annoying or ill mannered people. “Brat” is a descriptor usually used in a negative or contemptuous way. In BDSM, it tends to refer to a submissive with a reputation for talking back, being disrespectful or being mildly disobedient. Again, it may just be wording or semantics, but this would be used to describe a SAM or Smart Ass Masochist. SAMs normally exhibit the above behavior with the end goal of being punished to satisfy their masochistic side.
In the world of BDSM, a submissive is a person who is respectful and wants to please. Yes, they might have a playful streak, but it is one that is never disrespectful, never crosses that line and never seen as bratty behavior. In fact, a submissive would generally be mortified to learn that their Dominant considered them a brat. In my opinion, people who label themselves as Brats do not understand the true meaning of being a submissive; they don’t have the drive or the need to be truly submissive to a Dominant. These people think they are submissive because they like the kinky sex or the idea of it from what they have read in books or have seen in movies.
If you are interested in this subject, I suggest that you do your own research by reading books and blogs and talking to community leaders. Take all the information you get and form your own opinion. The one thing I do tell everyone is to keep your mind open to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Even if you disagree, at least try to see a different point of view with an open mind.
While “Brat” has been around much longer than “Alpha Sub”, I will admit I do not agree with either term. I think that the very meaning of Brat goes against what it means to be submissive, as does the term Alpha.
If you consider the meaning of Alpha, it is defined as the leader, the dominant one, the head of the group. This is as opposed to the term Submissive which is defined as ready to conform to the will of others, compliant and obedient. If words and titles hold meaning for you, how can you use such an oxymoron? How is it possible to be a Dominant Leader that obeys the will of others? Am I taking their meanings too literally? Maybe. But to me and many other BDSM scholars, it just doesn’t make sense.
After researching the term Alpha Submissive, I found only a few references in some obscure articles prior to 2009. It seems that from 2009 forward, many people have picked up that term and started using it in various forms and meanings. The most used description is that of a woman that is dominant in every part of her life except for sexually. In my opinion, this is a Sexual Submissive or a Bedroom Submissive. But are we just talking semantics? Probably.
How and where did the term Alpha Sub come about? I haven’t been able to find that out. But Sexual Submissive and Bedroom Submissive have been used as terms to describe certain types of subs for at least 30 years and probably longer. They are not politically incorrect and they are not offensive. So why use such a contradictory term instead of the standard ones? I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s the fashionable thing to do. It’s a buzz word that many new people read somewhere in a fiction book or online and they think it describes them. Others that don’t like the word submissive may put Alpha in front of it to take away some of the meaning to justify their feelings to themselves. I am not a psychologist, nor am I a mind reader. But, this is the conclusion I have derived from the people I’ve talked with about this as well as my own observations throughout the Lifestyle over many years.
Brats are defined as a spoiled, annoying or ill mannered people. “Brat” is a descriptor usually used in a negative or contemptuous way. In BDSM, it tends to refer to a submissive with a reputation for talking back, being disrespectful or being mildly disobedient. Again, it may just be wording or semantics, but this would be used to describe a SAM or Smart Ass Masochist. SAMs normally exhibit the above behavior with the end goal of being punished to satisfy their masochistic side.
In the world of BDSM, a submissive is a person who is respectful and wants to please. Yes, they might have a playful streak, but it is one that is never disrespectful, never crosses that line and never seen as bratty behavior. In fact, a submissive would generally be mortified to learn that their Dominant considered them a brat. In my opinion, people who label themselves as Brats do not understand the true meaning of being a submissive; they don’t have the drive or the need to be truly submissive to a Dominant. These people think they are submissive because they like the kinky sex or the idea of it from what they have read in books or have seen in movies.
If you are interested in this subject, I suggest that you do your own research by reading books and blogs and talking to community leaders. Take all the information you get and form your own opinion. The one thing I do tell everyone is to keep your mind open to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Even if you disagree, at least try to see a different point of view with an open mind.
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Over the past few years, I have had the privilege of mentoring and advising many types of people on BDSM in general, but mainly on submission within a Lifestyle dynamic. I have been asked all the normal questions of how, what, where, why as well as some that made me really have to think and pull the answer from deep within me.
I have seen a huge rise in people making up new labels and definitions that, in my own opinion, have absolutely nothing to do with being a true submissive. Before you get mad, just keep reading to understand what I mean.
Throughout human history, you can find records and pictures showing all kinds of kinky sex play, many being the origins of what is now known as S&M. Our culture has also always had a form of Dominant/submissive relationship embedded into it from actual slave ownership in ancient times to the 'men are the head of the household' of late 20th century America. Now, you have BDSM. It's always been Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and Switch (all gender neutral). You are asking what does the history lesson have to do with the Lifestyle? Well, if you do your homework, you will see that submissives have always been submissive.
Let's step back into the typical 1950's American household. The husband worked. The wife cooked, cleaned and did everything to make her husband happy. If the wife did something that was outside the husband's house rules, she was usually spanked or punished in some other way, and I'm not talking abuse. But the wife would never step outside her submissive role that she had married into when she married her dominant husband.
These past couple of years have brought up all kinds of new terms and people trying to redefine what BDSM is, the roles, the dynamics, and the actual definitions of those roles. I have seen new titles such as Warrior Princes, Primal, Alpha Sub, and many more used in place of submissive or slave. By their very names and meanings, this is not how to describe a submissive, especially in a BDSM dynamic.
Yes, every relationship and contract is different. Yes, everyone's thoughts, rules and contracts differ widely. I read several times in groups on social media web sites that a submissive didn't like the punishment she was given. There was a submissive that acted out and enraged her dominant just to get a spanking. His punishment wasn't a spanking but corner time. She was mad about that and said she 'deserved' a spanking. Apparently she doesn't understand being a submissive, having agreed to punishments, that her dominant is the one that decides what is to be doled out at the time it's needed.
So many of the new types of submissives out there love topping from the bottom even though I don't think they realize it. One person wrote to me saying they did something they knew was against their rules, they got a punishment of spanking. As the spanking was being delivered, they went through a myriad of 'head spaces' from infant, to toddler, older child and then pre-teen. They said at the end of the spanking punishment, they threw a giant fit and felt worse instead of feeling better. First of all, a punishment isn't used to make you feel better. It's used to deter a submissive from doing that same wrong thing again in the future. A few red flags went up when I read about this situation. The whole 'changing head spaces' excuse is total bullshit to me. Unless you have a multiple personality disorder, there's no way you would be able to process going from one head space to another. Then there's the part where the sub was 'even angrier' after the punishment was delivered. You don't get mad after being punished for something you did wrong, especially when you understand you did break a rule. If this person were a true submissive, they would feel remorse and go out of their way in the future not to repeat that same thing.
It amazes me that I have read supposed submissives say they say No to their Dominants anytime they want to. If there is a valid reason, ok, no problem. But, if a sub is sitting on the couch reading a book, the Dominant asks them to go fetch a glass of water, the sub should put the book down, get the water, present it to their Dominant, and return to reading. There should be no bad feelings associated with it. If the sub asks the dominant to wait just a second for them to finish up a paragraph, then ok. But a flat out refusal for no good reason, only because they don't want to? That is absolutely not submissive behavior. That is a red flag sign of a fake submissive.
I have seen so many people calling themselves Warrior Princesses and Alpha Subs. These terms are not accepted in the real world BDSM community. Not in any that I know of. While Alpha Sub has been around for a while, its original meaning has become convoluted. People are taking it to mean they are a leader, one that bows down to no one. If you are that, then you are not submissive. Let's be clear, everything I'm talking about is within the confines of a BDSM relationship. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but once you are in that role of submissive in a BDSM situation, you are submissive. You will present and act as a true submissive does.
To sum up my rambling thoughts, here is what I think a True Submissive is versus a faker. These are the traits that submissives in a BDSM relationship usually have when it comes to their dynamic with their Dominant.
These are how I think of submissives. If you don't fit every line in the list above, am I saying you aren't a submissive? No. I'm just saying you might need to reevaluate your thoughts and your own place in the BDSM lifestyle. I am also not referring to Sexual Submissives. Those are people that only submit during sexual situations.
For a look into our beliefs of BDSM in general, read To Thine Own Self Be True .
Feel free to comment below and add your thoughts to this. I'm always open to hearing other's opinions, even if they are completely opposite of my own.
I have seen a huge rise in people making up new labels and definitions that, in my own opinion, have absolutely nothing to do with being a true submissive. Before you get mad, just keep reading to understand what I mean.
Throughout human history, you can find records and pictures showing all kinds of kinky sex play, many being the origins of what is now known as S&M. Our culture has also always had a form of Dominant/submissive relationship embedded into it from actual slave ownership in ancient times to the 'men are the head of the household' of late 20th century America. Now, you have BDSM. It's always been Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and Switch (all gender neutral). You are asking what does the history lesson have to do with the Lifestyle? Well, if you do your homework, you will see that submissives have always been submissive.
Let's step back into the typical 1950's American household. The husband worked. The wife cooked, cleaned and did everything to make her husband happy. If the wife did something that was outside the husband's house rules, she was usually spanked or punished in some other way, and I'm not talking abuse. But the wife would never step outside her submissive role that she had married into when she married her dominant husband.
These past couple of years have brought up all kinds of new terms and people trying to redefine what BDSM is, the roles, the dynamics, and the actual definitions of those roles. I have seen new titles such as Warrior Princes, Primal, Alpha Sub, and many more used in place of submissive or slave. By their very names and meanings, this is not how to describe a submissive, especially in a BDSM dynamic.
Yes, every relationship and contract is different. Yes, everyone's thoughts, rules and contracts differ widely. I read several times in groups on social media web sites that a submissive didn't like the punishment she was given. There was a submissive that acted out and enraged her dominant just to get a spanking. His punishment wasn't a spanking but corner time. She was mad about that and said she 'deserved' a spanking. Apparently she doesn't understand being a submissive, having agreed to punishments, that her dominant is the one that decides what is to be doled out at the time it's needed.
So many of the new types of submissives out there love topping from the bottom even though I don't think they realize it. One person wrote to me saying they did something they knew was against their rules, they got a punishment of spanking. As the spanking was being delivered, they went through a myriad of 'head spaces' from infant, to toddler, older child and then pre-teen. They said at the end of the spanking punishment, they threw a giant fit and felt worse instead of feeling better. First of all, a punishment isn't used to make you feel better. It's used to deter a submissive from doing that same wrong thing again in the future. A few red flags went up when I read about this situation. The whole 'changing head spaces' excuse is total bullshit to me. Unless you have a multiple personality disorder, there's no way you would be able to process going from one head space to another. Then there's the part where the sub was 'even angrier' after the punishment was delivered. You don't get mad after being punished for something you did wrong, especially when you understand you did break a rule. If this person were a true submissive, they would feel remorse and go out of their way in the future not to repeat that same thing.
It amazes me that I have read supposed submissives say they say No to their Dominants anytime they want to. If there is a valid reason, ok, no problem. But, if a sub is sitting on the couch reading a book, the Dominant asks them to go fetch a glass of water, the sub should put the book down, get the water, present it to their Dominant, and return to reading. There should be no bad feelings associated with it. If the sub asks the dominant to wait just a second for them to finish up a paragraph, then ok. But a flat out refusal for no good reason, only because they don't want to? That is absolutely not submissive behavior. That is a red flag sign of a fake submissive.
I have seen so many people calling themselves Warrior Princesses and Alpha Subs. These terms are not accepted in the real world BDSM community. Not in any that I know of. While Alpha Sub has been around for a while, its original meaning has become convoluted. People are taking it to mean they are a leader, one that bows down to no one. If you are that, then you are not submissive. Let's be clear, everything I'm talking about is within the confines of a BDSM relationship. You can be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but once you are in that role of submissive in a BDSM situation, you are submissive. You will present and act as a true submissive does.
To sum up my rambling thoughts, here is what I think a True Submissive is versus a faker. These are the traits that submissives in a BDSM relationship usually have when it comes to their dynamic with their Dominant.
- Someone that feels the need to submit to another person
- Someone that feels the pull and pride to serve
- Someone that always speaks truth to their Dominant about their feelings and situations
- Someone that doesn't bounce around from Dominant to Dominant every other week.
- Someone that follows the rules and protocols set forth by their Dominant
- Someone that doesn't break the rules on purpose to goad their Dominant into punishment
- Someone that learns from their mistakes and tries their best not to repeat them
- Someone that takes punishments with grace and feels moves forward without lingering bad feelings
- Someone that puts their Dominant's needs above their own
- Someone that always tries to anticipate how they can make their Dominant's life easier by doing things they were never expected or asked to do
These are how I think of submissives. If you don't fit every line in the list above, am I saying you aren't a submissive? No. I'm just saying you might need to reevaluate your thoughts and your own place in the BDSM lifestyle. I am also not referring to Sexual Submissives. Those are people that only submit during sexual situations.
For a look into our beliefs of BDSM in general, read To Thine Own Self Be True .
Feel free to comment below and add your thoughts to this. I'm always open to hearing other's opinions, even if they are completely opposite of my own.
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2015 has gone by so fast. I remember starting the year with optimism, trying to approach my blog, the community and life with a fresh pair of eyes. I really felt a renewed energy not only in my connections to the Lifestyle, but also in life in general.
Now, here we are, right on the brink of starting another new year. I look back with some disappointments in things I didn’t achieve but also happy with the accomplishments that did happen.
Within the community as a collective whole, I’ve seen the usual new BDSM pages pop up, seen many close down, seen people come and go, and noted that many pages/people were still on a steady growth.
In April and May, our personal lives were in transition as we were hunting for a new place to live and finally found it and moved on June 1st. The entire process of packing, scheduling, unpacking and working during this entire time was very stressful but we made it through. My focus was completely not on writing, but just getting Padrone and myself back into a routine and making the new apartment home.
In 2014 and the early half of 2015, people were still coming in droves, declaring themselves a dom/master/sub/slave without having a clue what those titles really meant, and diving head first into what they called a TPE, only to have a new partner a month later because the old one hadn’t worked out. In August, I noticed the amount of new online BDSM people asking to be admitted to groups and pages decreasing in huge numbers. I think the affect that the 50 Shades books/movies had on the vanilla world finally ran it’s course.
I published a new book on Contracts and continued to mentor and answer questions when people asked me about the Lifestyle. My priorities changed at towards the end of the year from BDSM education to a new venture that is still in the early stages of development. I’m trying my hand at writing a trilogy of Sci-fi based fiction books. I’m not sure how long it will take to write even the first one, but it is an exciting new project I have on the horizon.
My first BDSM educational book, BDSM Basics for Beginners, is going to be translated and distributed in the Czech Republic by the end of 2016. They are even thinking of translating it into a few other languages.
The year for us was one of transitions, new beginnings, branching out in new directions, but always doing it together as a couple. Padrone has supported, guided and advised me on everything. I can say without a doubt that we have grown even closer in this past year.
Many couples that live a BDSM D/s or M/s lifestyle don’t think you can actually work together as a team. They see the Dominant as the only source of decision making. I respect those couples, but we are living proof that you can have an M/s relationship but also work as a team in certain arenas.
I have addressed this topic before and I will once again. The year ended on a bad note with the arrest of Mike Makai and one of his girlfriends. If you haven’t read the story, you can find it all over the internet. I won’t repost all the charges here.
After his past as a registered sex offender came to light and his newest arrest, I received many emails asking how this could happen. How could someone that had his background become a self proclaimed expert in the BDSM Lifestyle? What did everyone miss? How did he fool the entire community?
There are always going to be con men out in the world, especially on the internet. There are always going to be people that tell you what you want to hear, invent a whole new persona, just to get what they want. Most of them do it to gain your trust so they can get whatever their endgame is.
To protect yourself, you can research a person very thoroughly and still may not come up with their true identity. Listen to what your instincts are telling you. If you get the impression that something is off with a person, then listen to it. Take all the normal precautions you would when talking to strangers on the internet. Never give them your real phone number, home address, or financial information. If you ever are going to meet them in person after you feel secure enough, make sure it’s in a very well populated public place and you have someone with you that can help keep an eye out. Never allow the person to follow you home until you are absolutely sure about their identity and intentions.
As far as Makai, he covered his tracks very well and there were no references that could be found to connect him to his real name. There will be others that come along and fool us in the community. His indiscretions and bad decisions have given a new stigma to our community. We have to pick up and move forward. He really didn’t live what he taught.
With this black mark against our community, we are going to have to work extra hard as a community to try to recover our credibility. We are going to have to come together as a community and support each other when the backlash hits, as no doubt a huge wave will hit the Lifestyle as the details and trial of Makai come in the beginning of 2016.
I’m personally not going to make any New Year’s resolutions. I’m just going to concentrate on my own life and the relationships I’ve built over the years. I’m going to do my best to make the world around me beautiful and as free of stress as possible. I am making a promise to enjoy every day that dawns and every night that the moon rises. I want to enjoy life and not stress about my weight, looks or age. I want to enjoy my ever changing and growing relationship with my Padrone.
I urge you all to do the same thing. Enjoy your life as best as you can. Try not to allow the every day small stuff get under your skin and make your stress levels rise.
Simply love your life. Grow your knowledge. Make changes that make you happy. Just try your best to be happy.
Now, here we are, right on the brink of starting another new year. I look back with some disappointments in things I didn’t achieve but also happy with the accomplishments that did happen.
Within the community as a collective whole, I’ve seen the usual new BDSM pages pop up, seen many close down, seen people come and go, and noted that many pages/people were still on a steady growth.
In April and May, our personal lives were in transition as we were hunting for a new place to live and finally found it and moved on June 1st. The entire process of packing, scheduling, unpacking and working during this entire time was very stressful but we made it through. My focus was completely not on writing, but just getting Padrone and myself back into a routine and making the new apartment home.
In 2014 and the early half of 2015, people were still coming in droves, declaring themselves a dom/master/sub/slave without having a clue what those titles really meant, and diving head first into what they called a TPE, only to have a new partner a month later because the old one hadn’t worked out. In August, I noticed the amount of new online BDSM people asking to be admitted to groups and pages decreasing in huge numbers. I think the affect that the 50 Shades books/movies had on the vanilla world finally ran it’s course.
I published a new book on Contracts and continued to mentor and answer questions when people asked me about the Lifestyle. My priorities changed at towards the end of the year from BDSM education to a new venture that is still in the early stages of development. I’m trying my hand at writing a trilogy of Sci-fi based fiction books. I’m not sure how long it will take to write even the first one, but it is an exciting new project I have on the horizon.
My first BDSM educational book, BDSM Basics for Beginners, is going to be translated and distributed in the Czech Republic by the end of 2016. They are even thinking of translating it into a few other languages.
The year for us was one of transitions, new beginnings, branching out in new directions, but always doing it together as a couple. Padrone has supported, guided and advised me on everything. I can say without a doubt that we have grown even closer in this past year.
Many couples that live a BDSM D/s or M/s lifestyle don’t think you can actually work together as a team. They see the Dominant as the only source of decision making. I respect those couples, but we are living proof that you can have an M/s relationship but also work as a team in certain arenas.
I have addressed this topic before and I will once again. The year ended on a bad note with the arrest of Mike Makai and one of his girlfriends. If you haven’t read the story, you can find it all over the internet. I won’t repost all the charges here.
After his past as a registered sex offender came to light and his newest arrest, I received many emails asking how this could happen. How could someone that had his background become a self proclaimed expert in the BDSM Lifestyle? What did everyone miss? How did he fool the entire community?
There are always going to be con men out in the world, especially on the internet. There are always going to be people that tell you what you want to hear, invent a whole new persona, just to get what they want. Most of them do it to gain your trust so they can get whatever their endgame is.
To protect yourself, you can research a person very thoroughly and still may not come up with their true identity. Listen to what your instincts are telling you. If you get the impression that something is off with a person, then listen to it. Take all the normal precautions you would when talking to strangers on the internet. Never give them your real phone number, home address, or financial information. If you ever are going to meet them in person after you feel secure enough, make sure it’s in a very well populated public place and you have someone with you that can help keep an eye out. Never allow the person to follow you home until you are absolutely sure about their identity and intentions.
As far as Makai, he covered his tracks very well and there were no references that could be found to connect him to his real name. There will be others that come along and fool us in the community. His indiscretions and bad decisions have given a new stigma to our community. We have to pick up and move forward. He really didn’t live what he taught.
With this black mark against our community, we are going to have to work extra hard as a community to try to recover our credibility. We are going to have to come together as a community and support each other when the backlash hits, as no doubt a huge wave will hit the Lifestyle as the details and trial of Makai come in the beginning of 2016.
I’m personally not going to make any New Year’s resolutions. I’m just going to concentrate on my own life and the relationships I’ve built over the years. I’m going to do my best to make the world around me beautiful and as free of stress as possible. I am making a promise to enjoy every day that dawns and every night that the moon rises. I want to enjoy life and not stress about my weight, looks or age. I want to enjoy my ever changing and growing relationship with my Padrone.
I urge you all to do the same thing. Enjoy your life as best as you can. Try not to allow the every day small stuff get under your skin and make your stress levels rise.
Simply love your life. Grow your knowledge. Make changes that make you happy. Just try your best to be happy.
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If you've been around the Lifestyle for any amount of time, you have probably come across dominants, the majority of whom are male, that have many (3+) submissives and continuously seek more. It seems like these types of dominants cannot get enough of attention or worshipping from these different types of submissives.
I am not speaking about people that are in a Poly group/relationship where every member knows about the others and are ok with it. I am talking about people that tend to have many submissives, yet still continue to flirt with others in a sexual or mental way. These types of dominants usually do not have the time they need to devote to their current submissives, thus leaving the subs feeling lacking for attention, that somehow they did something to make the dominant ignore them, or just plain depressed.
It is not uncommon for Sub Collectors to collar people quickly. The Collector is inclined to view the size of their collection of submissives as a sign of their prowess as a Dominant. This does not necessarily mean that a Collector cannot be a skilled Dominant; what is usually the case is the contrary, as many of this subtype can easily assume one or more Dominant roles in order to succeed at attracting submissives.
Are Sub Collector Doms what a lot of people in the Lifestyle refer to as a "fake"?
They can be. One sure sign of a fake dominant, especially those that appear online only, is the amount of females they try to friend, message, and talk to. There is a difference between friendly chatter and flirting. If the dominant starts flirting, hinting that you need to submit to him, become his, or pay homage to him very fast after you just met him, RUN/BLOCK/DELETE! I bet there are many others that he is having the exact same conversation with.
What's the difference between a Sub Collector Dom and a Poly Dom?
A Poly Dom is a dominant that happens to be involved with 2 or more submissives. In a poly situation, all parties involved know about the others and all understand what is going on.
There are no secrets kept and many of them are in committed relationships with each other.
There are some Poly doms that have multiple submissives which are not committed to a relationship and their submissives may have other partners also, but again, all are aware of what is going on.
A Sub Collector Dom may not tell all of the different women he is talking to about the others he already has on the hook. He also may have his own submissives but then have many other subs that he 'protects or trains'.
In the instances that I have seen this to be the case, the Sub Collector Dom is usually only collecting naked or erotic pictures and videos from those under training or his protection but not receiving anything in return.
What can I do to avoid a Collector?
I am not speaking about people that are in a Poly group/relationship where every member knows about the others and are ok with it. I am talking about people that tend to have many submissives, yet still continue to flirt with others in a sexual or mental way. These types of dominants usually do not have the time they need to devote to their current submissives, thus leaving the subs feeling lacking for attention, that somehow they did something to make the dominant ignore them, or just plain depressed.
It is not uncommon for Sub Collectors to collar people quickly. The Collector is inclined to view the size of their collection of submissives as a sign of their prowess as a Dominant. This does not necessarily mean that a Collector cannot be a skilled Dominant; what is usually the case is the contrary, as many of this subtype can easily assume one or more Dominant roles in order to succeed at attracting submissives.
On the other hand, maintaining a balance within the group is not always a priority for them. It is also not uncommon for Collectors to be unwilling to provide the attention or nurturing that a submissive in their care might desire, and many Collectors are quite up-front about it. This results in a high turnover of submissives for most Collectors – new submissives come in, but also many frustrated submissives leave.
Are Sub Collector Doms what a lot of people in the Lifestyle refer to as a "fake"?
They can be. One sure sign of a fake dominant, especially those that appear online only, is the amount of females they try to friend, message, and talk to. There is a difference between friendly chatter and flirting. If the dominant starts flirting, hinting that you need to submit to him, become his, or pay homage to him very fast after you just met him, RUN/BLOCK/DELETE! I bet there are many others that he is having the exact same conversation with.
What's the difference between a Sub Collector Dom and a Poly Dom?
A Poly Dom is a dominant that happens to be involved with 2 or more submissives. In a poly situation, all parties involved know about the others and all understand what is going on.
There are no secrets kept and many of them are in committed relationships with each other.
There are some Poly doms that have multiple submissives which are not committed to a relationship and their submissives may have other partners also, but again, all are aware of what is going on.
A Sub Collector Dom may not tell all of the different women he is talking to about the others he already has on the hook. He also may have his own submissives but then have many other subs that he 'protects or trains'.
In the instances that I have seen this to be the case, the Sub Collector Dom is usually only collecting naked or erotic pictures and videos from those under training or his protection but not receiving anything in return.
What can I do to avoid a Collector?
Make sure you take your time to get to know them and not rush into anything. This type of mistake can get you hooked and hurt before you ever realize what is going on. Talk to the dominant's friends and ask about their character. Just be vigilant and keep your eyes open.
If you have any comments you would like to share, please leave them in the section after the post.
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Here is the second half of the questions from my Q&A session with the FB group Mind, Body, Soul BDSM. I hope some of these give you more knowledge or even get you involved in the continuing conversations some of these questions have caused.
Question #6) Do you believe the protocol of D/s speech and being honest with ones words "cures" passive/aggressive behavior?
I am not exactly sure in what context you meant this question. If you mean online slash speak (O/our), I don’t agree with it at all. I don’t think it shows respect, protocol or anything. I think it was just something else made up along the way as the internet BDSM community grew. I show every the same and mutual respect that I would in a vanilla setting. I don’t recommend calling anyone by any kind of title, other than your own Dominant. If a person demands you call them something, they are not a real Dominant. A real dominant doesn’t demand respect, they earn it and their very nature and presence just makes you want to show them certain type of respect.
I think you always have to be honest with your feelings, whether they be good or bad. If you are pretending to feel something that you are not, then it is faking and not tolerated in a BDSM setting or relationship.
Question #7) I'm curious about BDSM practices and beliefs in the 1800's, before old guard and leather... Before it even had "BDSM" as an identifier..
The earliest recordings of a BDSM like activity was back in ancient Sumeria. After that, the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans, to name a few, had many diverse sadomasochistic games they played, mostly involving flogging and spanking. I recommend an in-depth research if you are truly interested in this subject.
Question #8) Can you tell me about the origins of the practice of collaring?
Depending on who you ask, some think the collar of the sub was modelled after ancient civilizations that used slave collars to show ownership. Collars have always been used as a form of restraint for many diverse S&M scenes. The actual evolution of how the collar came to mean what it does in todays Lifestyle is very murky. I tend to believe that it did somehow evolve from the ancient peoples that used slaves and used special types of collars to mark their property.
I think of subs that wear collars without being owned as wanna be's. They also might be gothic. But those types of subs are not real submissives. It's ok to purchase a necklace or collar if you want to, but never tell anyone it's a bdsm collar unless you had a dominant give it to you. Without that action behind a collar, it is a meaningless piece of jewerely.
Question #9) When I first became involved in the lifestyle I was told that the submissive selects her Dominant and can offer a collar to him that he would place on her neck as a sign of ownership. More commonly I understand that it is the Dominant that purchases the collar and offers it to the submissive. Which is correct?
Only a fake dominant would make the sub purchase her own collar. The dominant should allow the sub a say in the type of collar because all lifestyles outside BDSM are different, but the dominant has final say and should be the one to purchase, offer and place it on her neck.
Question #10) How long does sub frenzy typically last? Can one survive purely in sub frenzy status?
Sub frenzy is a term used to describe new subs that are so excited they rush into a relationship with their eyes wide shut and basically without any knowledge of what BDSM really consists of. I think sub frenzy only lasts as long as it takes a sub to become more knowledgeable about the Lifestyle. I think once the actual newness wears off, the frenzy retreats and the sub becomes more cautious and aware of their decisions and actions.
If you have something to add to any of the topics above, please leave a comment!
Question #6) Do you believe the protocol of D/s speech and being honest with ones words "cures" passive/aggressive behavior?
I am not exactly sure in what context you meant this question. If you mean online slash speak (O/our), I don’t agree with it at all. I don’t think it shows respect, protocol or anything. I think it was just something else made up along the way as the internet BDSM community grew. I show every the same and mutual respect that I would in a vanilla setting. I don’t recommend calling anyone by any kind of title, other than your own Dominant. If a person demands you call them something, they are not a real Dominant. A real dominant doesn’t demand respect, they earn it and their very nature and presence just makes you want to show them certain type of respect.
I think you always have to be honest with your feelings, whether they be good or bad. If you are pretending to feel something that you are not, then it is faking and not tolerated in a BDSM setting or relationship.
The earliest recordings of a BDSM like activity was back in ancient Sumeria. After that, the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans, to name a few, had many diverse sadomasochistic games they played, mostly involving flogging and spanking. I recommend an in-depth research if you are truly interested in this subject.
Depending on who you ask, some think the collar of the sub was modelled after ancient civilizations that used slave collars to show ownership. Collars have always been used as a form of restraint for many diverse S&M scenes. The actual evolution of how the collar came to mean what it does in todays Lifestyle is very murky. I tend to believe that it did somehow evolve from the ancient peoples that used slaves and used special types of collars to mark their property.
Sub frenzy is a term used to describe new subs that are so excited they rush into a relationship with their eyes wide shut and basically without any knowledge of what BDSM really consists of. I think sub frenzy only lasts as long as it takes a sub to become more knowledgeable about the Lifestyle. I think once the actual newness wears off, the frenzy retreats and the sub becomes more cautious and aware of their decisions and actions.
If you have something to add to any of the topics above, please leave a comment!
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I was recently invited back to do another Questions and Answers session with a Facebook Group called Mind, Body, and Soul BDSM. They always bring me great and innovative questions that get me thinking. Below is the first five questions with my answers.
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
Question #2) What are tips to use to stay in sub mind when everyday life tries to pull you out?
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
Question #4) When pushing a taboo limit, what method does one use to battle the fear and process what they had just accomplished?
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
Question #5) Why does it seems online ppl need tons of labels? Example: warrior sub and tin pot dom, alpha sub, etc. Etc.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
Question #1) In your opinion how do you keep your relationship with your Dominate fresh and exciting?
I would say you have to shake things up a bit, especially as time goes on. Take the time to always hold hands and try new things together. Explore different sexual positions and philosophies but also try to surprise each other once in a while. Life can get into a routine as we live together and the years pass. Try erotic dancing, taking a class together to discover wine tasting, or some other pursuit that you have never done together before. But most of all, never take each other for granted.
There are many ways to get into a submissive mindset. If you work outside the house, I suggest you take 10 mins alone when you return home to let go of your work and outside mind and get into your role of submissive. You can put your collar on, go barefoot, change clothes, or use some other items that make you feel more submissive. You can come up with a personal mantra to quiet your mind and help you get back into your submissive mind set. If you are a stay at home person, and you feel that you are getting out of your submissive mind, take a few minutes to refocus your emotions and energies on your submission. Remind yourself why you submitted in the first place and remember the feeling of satisfaction it gives you to submit.
Question #3) Do you feel that the most important role for a Dominant is to ensure the mental and physical safety of a submissive? especially of a novice submissive who has no clue what will happen during her first sessions. Do you feel it is the Dominants responsibility for the submissives safety or is the submissive?
It is both the Dominant’s and sub’s responsibility to ensure that mental and physical safety are always in the forefront of a scene. The dom has to watch for all the clues that the sub’s body gives and the sub has to use their safeword if needed. The dominant is responsible for guiding the sub and ensuring that his/her submission is a rewarding experience for them both because if it is traumatic, the sub could be damaged mentally or physically. The Dominant should run through the entire scene first with the novice before continuing. This will help ease the novice into scenes and also increase the trust between partners. As they grow more trusting, the dominant can start to surprise the sub a little more at a time, especially as time passes and they each start understanding the other’s body language and cues. But first and foremost, a limits list should be filled out by both people and compared and agreed to before any guidance or scene play begins.
When you say taboo list, I’m going assume you are talking about the Hard Limits list. I believe that a hard limit should never be approached at all, pushing it or otherwise. It is there for a reason. Now, if it is a soft limit, as in, the person might want to try it one day but are too scared, that can and should be approached with time. The first thing is there has to be absolute trust between the Dom and sub. If there isn’t, then the soft limits should not be approached either because worse psychological damage could be done.
Soft limits should be approached in very small increments depend on the limit. Say sensory deprivation should be approached in a very different way than preparing for a rape scene. I would sit down with the sub, make a plan that both agree too and go from there. I recommend repeating each step in the plan at least twice to allow the sub to conquer that small amount of fear and move to the next step.
This is a very sore subject with many people. I personally believe that most of these new labels were made up by certain people to sell their books and to try to establish themselves as a force in the community, when they have no proof they ever lived the lifestyle at all. I believe that there are Dominants/Masters and submissives and slaves. Whatever other label you want to add is up to the individual but is not a real part of BDSM. Yes, I know BDSM has to adapt for the times as it has over the past 20 years, but some things are just getting out of hand and ridiculous. I look at it like this, we as humans need labels for our own sanity to try to make ourselves feel good and help us understand why we do or are the way we are. I don’t care what you do, how you act, or what your title is outside the realm or boundary of BDSM. But once you step into that role, (figuratively or in reality) you are a Dom/sub or Master/slave. That’s it. I have used certain categories in the past and in my writings to help submissives understand why they submit differently than others they consider ‘perfect subs’ but things like Warrior princess and Alpha sub are oxymorons in my opinion and to me are complete bs terms. But again, my opinion. A person can say they are Queen slave if they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s real or that others have to follow suit. I think a lot of these new titles also help fakes pretend to be submissive when they aren’t. Some of the definitions of these new titles go against the very meaning and core of BDSM roles.
If you want to add anything to my answers or offer different insights or opinions, please leave a comment below. All constructive comments are welcome!
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