After a very long and stressful two months of relocating, we are finally almost settled in our new place! I feel like I am finally able to start settling back into writing Talk Tuesday as well as other hopefully helpful blogs. Today, my Padrone is answering the questions about Dominants because we both feel he is in a better position to give an answer as he is the dominant in our relationship.
This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.
Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."
I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.
Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."
The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.
Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"
If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.
Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
This week we received several great questions, and as normal, I only chose three to answer here. Today's topics cover 'Lasting affects of Physical Pain', 'Advice for a New Dom', and 'Humiliation'.
Question #1) "I am a part time sub to a great Master. We have the most intense sessions every fortnight weekend. I enjoy receiving pain as much as my Master likes giving it. My backside and thighs get serious whipping every time. I enjoy the marks and the pain that takes few days to heal. Lately I have noticed that even after a longer period of time I experience phantom kind of pain in my backside, that is not provoked by impact with a chair. Master likes the idea of feeling him for longer, and so do I. My concern is - do I create some kind of permanent damage. I can't really contact a doctor with this question. Michelle, to your experience and knowledge, have you observed sub experiencing a permanent damage to her backside due to regular whipping for years."
I have to preface my answer by saying I am not a doctor of any kind. The advice is just from my own experience and research over the years. I have seen a person who had permanent scars from repeated impact play from a cane that was used to beat the sub's backside so severely that the skin opened up every time. I have also heard of what is called psychological physical pain. This pain can be induced by strong emotional events. With the pain sessions being so coveted by you and very intense, it sounds like a mental reaction to the times in between scenes. I would recommend researching Kink Friendly doctors in your area and make an appointment just to get checked out to ensure your health is all ok.
Question #2) "My girlfriend has experience in the bdsm lifestyle and asked me to become her Master before I take this responsibility I'm trying to learn what I can and what it means to be a Dom/Master thank you for any advice or information you can share."
The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is in your nature to be a dominant over another person in a relationship. If you have to force yourself to dominate another person, you will eventually end up hating yourself and possibly the other person because you will most likely start feeling like you are being forced to act differently than how you truly are. If you like being in the dominant role, you then must start educating yourself by reading everything you can find about BDSM. There are countless numbers of books and websites available with diverse views on the Lifestyle. You can find and join a local BDSM group, go to munches and try to make friends with other Dominants, or find a BDSM club that might offer classes in domination. Once you learn more about the lifestyle, what it takes to be a dominant, and learn more about your submissive's needs, you can tailor your domination style to better suit your specific situation. As for responsibilities, you have to take care of your sub's mental and physical needs, guide her in her submission, help her become more and encourage her always. You have to learn to read her body language and learn to differentiate between her wants and desires versus needs. You have to understand that her wants will not always be what she needs.
Question #3) "My Master likes to humiliate me in public and I don't like it at all. It does not turn me on or do anything for me but makes me feel small and depressed. Every time he does it, I end up crying and depressed and he punishes me because of my reaction. He says I should feel privileged he makes time for a pig like me. How can I make him see this hurts me but maintain a relationship with him?"
If you have a contract and humiliation is a hard limit but your Dominant continuously violates that, he has no respect for you or your relationship and he is not a real dominant in my opinion. If you don't have a contract, then you have to tell him you want to make one between the two of you that clearly outlines and defines all limits, expectations, rules, punishments, and any other aspect in your relationship. If he will not agree to this, I would recommend ending the relationship. I am worried that the lasting effects of continued humiliation on your mental and emotional health could wreak long term damage. Keep in mind that a dominant's number one priority is always the mental, emotional, and physical well being of his submissive. And from the email above, it does not sound like yours understands this fact.
Feel free to leave your comments below! I hope you found the above questions helpful to your own journey through the BDSM world. If you need advice about any aspect of the Lifestyle, please email your questions to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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Changes in life are inevitable. Sometimes those changes lead to bad things while others lead you to more happy times and extraordinary adventures. While change does happen, it doesn’t have to be scary (even if it feels like).
These past couple of months have led to many changes in my own life. While the journey has not always been completely smooth, there have been many learning opportunities. I learned many things about the way Italians conduct real estate business in Italy, the way their buildings are constructed, the complexities of stopping/moving/starting utilities for your house. It’s way different from anything I was used to in the USA.
But, luckily for me, I had an expert guide to lead the way. As with all things in our lives, Padrone ensured that everything was done. What role did I play in moving since I don’t speak enough Italian to be helpful and didn’t know how to get things done? I kept to-do lists, packed boxes, made sure that he met every appointment he had scheduled, kept him fed and happy and tried to do all that I could to make this move a little less stressful.
These things might not sound like a lot to you, but to me they were. They meant that I was contributing what I could to our search and eventual move to a new and much better location. These tasks made me feel good inside myself, knowing that even though some of them seemed small at the time, it was one less thing Padrone had to think or do by himself. I was serving my Master in every conceivable capacity that I could and got the very comforting feeling that yes, I was helping.
Why am I rambling on about our move? Because as with most everything else in life, I took away many lessons from it that can be applied to the BDSM Lifestyle. I get many emails and messages from submissives from around the world asking for my advice and a lot of them touch on the subjects of change or not feeling like they contribute much to their own D/s or M/s relationship.
If you are in fear of changes that are coming your way, try to look for any and all positives that can happen with them. Don’t allow your own self doubts and fears get the best of you. Have you heard of the saying ‘Our own mind is our worst enemy’? That is true in 90% of the questions I get from submissives that have no confidence in themselves or their relationships.
If you do have doubts or concerns about changes or things that are going on in your relationship, talk to your partner about them. Bring them out in the open and don’t waste time making up doomsday scenarios that are not likely to happen. Those what-if’s can be just as destructive as a real doomsday scenario.
When you feel like you are not contributing enough to your relationship for whatever reason, ask yourself why you feel that way? Is it because you don’t get enough attention or positive feedback from your dominant? Is it your own lack of confidence playing with your mind? Try to track down what it is and rectify it. If you can’t figure it out on your own, tell your partner your fears. Dominants are there to guide us through good and bad times in our lives. We rely on them to be our rock just as they rely on us for many things as well.
The worst thing any couple in a relationship, especially a BDSM dynamic, can do is to stay silent when there is a real or falsely conceived notion causing an underlying tension. If not addressed quickly, calmly and with full open and honest communication, this could really be the beginning of the end for a relationship.
When talking to your dominant about changes, feelings of inferiority (not completing your duties, etc), stay focused on the actual subject. Make sure you do not approach them in an argumentative fashion. You have to keep a completely open mind to any and all things they say, even if you might not realize it or agree with it. If you are in a relationship in which your dominant is fair and guiding, takes great care in how they handle you, and gives you positive feedback while reprimanding you when needed, you should have the confidence to bring all things you feel to his/her attention.
During this move, I’ve learned new things about myself as well as about my submission. Padrone and I have both grown closer and are continuing to grow closer and tighter in our journey through our own M/s relationship.
While I have touched on a couple of different and diverse subjects in this post, I do feel that both belong together and each single issue touches the other more often than you may realize. I hope you take away something encouraging and enlightening after you’ve read this.
These past couple of months have led to many changes in my own life. While the journey has not always been completely smooth, there have been many learning opportunities. I learned many things about the way Italians conduct real estate business in Italy, the way their buildings are constructed, the complexities of stopping/moving/starting utilities for your house. It’s way different from anything I was used to in the USA.
But, luckily for me, I had an expert guide to lead the way. As with all things in our lives, Padrone ensured that everything was done. What role did I play in moving since I don’t speak enough Italian to be helpful and didn’t know how to get things done? I kept to-do lists, packed boxes, made sure that he met every appointment he had scheduled, kept him fed and happy and tried to do all that I could to make this move a little less stressful.
These things might not sound like a lot to you, but to me they were. They meant that I was contributing what I could to our search and eventual move to a new and much better location. These tasks made me feel good inside myself, knowing that even though some of them seemed small at the time, it was one less thing Padrone had to think or do by himself. I was serving my Master in every conceivable capacity that I could and got the very comforting feeling that yes, I was helping.
Why am I rambling on about our move? Because as with most everything else in life, I took away many lessons from it that can be applied to the BDSM Lifestyle. I get many emails and messages from submissives from around the world asking for my advice and a lot of them touch on the subjects of change or not feeling like they contribute much to their own D/s or M/s relationship.
If you are in fear of changes that are coming your way, try to look for any and all positives that can happen with them. Don’t allow your own self doubts and fears get the best of you. Have you heard of the saying ‘Our own mind is our worst enemy’? That is true in 90% of the questions I get from submissives that have no confidence in themselves or their relationships.
If you do have doubts or concerns about changes or things that are going on in your relationship, talk to your partner about them. Bring them out in the open and don’t waste time making up doomsday scenarios that are not likely to happen. Those what-if’s can be just as destructive as a real doomsday scenario.
When you feel like you are not contributing enough to your relationship for whatever reason, ask yourself why you feel that way? Is it because you don’t get enough attention or positive feedback from your dominant? Is it your own lack of confidence playing with your mind? Try to track down what it is and rectify it. If you can’t figure it out on your own, tell your partner your fears. Dominants are there to guide us through good and bad times in our lives. We rely on them to be our rock just as they rely on us for many things as well.
The worst thing any couple in a relationship, especially a BDSM dynamic, can do is to stay silent when there is a real or falsely conceived notion causing an underlying tension. If not addressed quickly, calmly and with full open and honest communication, this could really be the beginning of the end for a relationship.
When talking to your dominant about changes, feelings of inferiority (not completing your duties, etc), stay focused on the actual subject. Make sure you do not approach them in an argumentative fashion. You have to keep a completely open mind to any and all things they say, even if you might not realize it or agree with it. If you are in a relationship in which your dominant is fair and guiding, takes great care in how they handle you, and gives you positive feedback while reprimanding you when needed, you should have the confidence to bring all things you feel to his/her attention.
During this move, I’ve learned new things about myself as well as about my submission. Padrone and I have both grown closer and are continuing to grow closer and tighter in our journey through our own M/s relationship.
While I have touched on a couple of different and diverse subjects in this post, I do feel that both belong together and each single issue touches the other more often than you may realize. I hope you take away something encouraging and enlightening after you’ve read this.
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Welcome back to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! This week I chose a variety of questions I hope you find interesting and informative. This week's topics cover 'Breakup due to Falling in love', 'Properly addressing Dominants', and 'Renewing Old D/s Contracts'.
Question #1) "My Dominant doesn't believe in having submissives that he loves. I told him that I was falling in love with him and wished to take our relationship to the next level. He promptly released me and said while saying he wasn't in love with me and never would fall for any of his subs in that way. I am now broken and don't know where to turn or what to do next. Any advice or directions you can provide will help."
First I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you have a support system to help you get through this. Breakups are never easy and it can be especially hard when in a D/s relationship. Since I don't know if you had a contract or if he was upfront with you about the consequences of developing feelings for him, I won't try to elaborate on that point. What I will tell you is this: you have to allow yourself time to cry and grieve the loss of your dominant. You need to take time for yourself and cry, eat ice cream, scream in your pillow, curse his name and say every mean nasty thing about him you ever wanted to your stuffed animal, pout and wallow in sorrow right now because that is the first step to healing. After a week or two goes by, you have to make yourself start living again, little by little. Spend time with your friends. Take walks outside for a few minutes by yourself to just enjoy nature. Take this time to look deep inside yourself and get to know you again. And do not rush into another relationship or look for another one for at least 6 months. The reason I say 6 months is because that is normally the least amount of time people need to completely get over their previous relationship. I hope this helps. If you want to talk further or need a shoulder, you can always email me.
Question #2) "I have been around the Lifestyle now for a few months and have noticed that online, many so-called dominants demand every sub call them Sir. I have actually been kicked out of a couple of groups because I called the dominant that ran the group by his first name. I was led to believe that you don't call anyone Sir unless they are your own Dominant. Am I right or wrong? Thanks."
I personally do not call anyone other than my own Master (Padrone) by any title unless my own Padrone tells me to. I call them by their first name and that is it. In real life BDSM circles, if you call someone that is not your dominant by Sir, they will most likely look at you strangely or tell you to not address them as such because it is not proper. The lesson I usually try impart to new people in the lifestyle is that if a Dominant has to demand you call them Sir/Madam etc..., they are most likely not real dominants and are fakes or even abusers. Real dominants do not demand respect, they earn it overtime and are given it naturally.
Question #3) "I have a contract with my Dominant and it is 3 years old. Our relationship has changed since we wrote and signed it. I asked my Dominant if we can write a new one to make sure that we are both on the same page with terms/rules/regulations/punishments/protocols. He said the old one was just fine and we should know by now what to expect in every situation from the other one. I don't agree with this and really would feel better if we wrote an updated contract. How can I get him to agree to this without stepping out of my submissive boundaries and seeming pushy?"
I spoke with my Padrone (Dominant/Master) about this situation and he and I both do not understand what the problem is with updating the existing contract to reflect your relationship as it is now. If your dominant does not want to update the contract after you have sat down and explained to him your own reasons for wanting to, then there seems to be some other underlying problems that you might need to dig into deeper. I would suggest broaching the subject one more time being a little more assertive than you were last time, but still respecting your dynamic. If he still does not want to redo the contract, write it up yourself and present him with it. Ask him to read and sign it. If he still refuses, then you have to decide for yourself what your next step will be.
I hope you enjoyed this installment of Talk Tuesday. If you want to participate in the conversation further, please leave a comment below.
Question #1) "My Dominant doesn't believe in having submissives that he loves. I told him that I was falling in love with him and wished to take our relationship to the next level. He promptly released me and said while saying he wasn't in love with me and never would fall for any of his subs in that way. I am now broken and don't know where to turn or what to do next. Any advice or directions you can provide will help."
First I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you have a support system to help you get through this. Breakups are never easy and it can be especially hard when in a D/s relationship. Since I don't know if you had a contract or if he was upfront with you about the consequences of developing feelings for him, I won't try to elaborate on that point. What I will tell you is this: you have to allow yourself time to cry and grieve the loss of your dominant. You need to take time for yourself and cry, eat ice cream, scream in your pillow, curse his name and say every mean nasty thing about him you ever wanted to your stuffed animal, pout and wallow in sorrow right now because that is the first step to healing. After a week or two goes by, you have to make yourself start living again, little by little. Spend time with your friends. Take walks outside for a few minutes by yourself to just enjoy nature. Take this time to look deep inside yourself and get to know you again. And do not rush into another relationship or look for another one for at least 6 months. The reason I say 6 months is because that is normally the least amount of time people need to completely get over their previous relationship. I hope this helps. If you want to talk further or need a shoulder, you can always email me.
Question #2) "I have been around the Lifestyle now for a few months and have noticed that online, many so-called dominants demand every sub call them Sir. I have actually been kicked out of a couple of groups because I called the dominant that ran the group by his first name. I was led to believe that you don't call anyone Sir unless they are your own Dominant. Am I right or wrong? Thanks."
I personally do not call anyone other than my own Master (Padrone) by any title unless my own Padrone tells me to. I call them by their first name and that is it. In real life BDSM circles, if you call someone that is not your dominant by Sir, they will most likely look at you strangely or tell you to not address them as such because it is not proper. The lesson I usually try impart to new people in the lifestyle is that if a Dominant has to demand you call them Sir/Madam etc..., they are most likely not real dominants and are fakes or even abusers. Real dominants do not demand respect, they earn it overtime and are given it naturally.
Question #3) "I have a contract with my Dominant and it is 3 years old. Our relationship has changed since we wrote and signed it. I asked my Dominant if we can write a new one to make sure that we are both on the same page with terms/rules/regulations/punishments/protocols. He said the old one was just fine and we should know by now what to expect in every situation from the other one. I don't agree with this and really would feel better if we wrote an updated contract. How can I get him to agree to this without stepping out of my submissive boundaries and seeming pushy?"
I spoke with my Padrone (Dominant/Master) about this situation and he and I both do not understand what the problem is with updating the existing contract to reflect your relationship as it is now. If your dominant does not want to update the contract after you have sat down and explained to him your own reasons for wanting to, then there seems to be some other underlying problems that you might need to dig into deeper. I would suggest broaching the subject one more time being a little more assertive than you were last time, but still respecting your dynamic. If he still does not want to redo the contract, write it up yourself and present him with it. Ask him to read and sign it. If he still refuses, then you have to decide for yourself what your next step will be.
I hope you enjoyed this installment of Talk Tuesday. If you want to participate in the conversation further, please leave a comment below.
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This past week has brought a firestorm of responses about my personal description of what an Alpha sub is as well as to a post I wrote for Lady Hecate's The Lair of Lady Hecate website about my thoughts on new terms that have been popping up around the BDSM online community such as Alpha sub, brat, and primal. I have received comments ranging from those that agree with me and those that adamantly oppose anything I write about. I never try to push my thoughts on others, but do speak my mind and stand by my beliefs.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
I have been active in real life BDSM communities since 1991 and online since around 1998. If you were a member of any groups or communities before the internet, you know there wasn't much change in BDSM since before the 1960s. With the invention of the internet, the popularity of erotica books and now Kink related movies growing stronger, there has been an influx of new (mostly online only) people into the Lifestyle. This influx has brought changes, new terminology, and new ways of thinking about roles, protocols, rules, and punishments.
Life is all about growing and changing, learning new ways of thinking and adapting to advancements in the environment around you. This applies to practicing a BDSM Lifestyle also. Learning new things or gaining knowledge from a different perspective on a subject you are already familiar with is always a blessing. This helps you grow as a person. But, when people start making up terms to describe submissive behaviors in ways that are not remotely submissive or inline with the core definition of submission, this can produce confusion and misrepresentation of what a true BDSM relationship is supposed to be or involve.
I have seen so many submissives come into the Lifestyle with a preset notion of how they are supposed to act and what they think is expected of them as submissives. They like the thought of being told what to do by a Dominant person and being sexually dominated. Now, when it comes to doing things they may not like, but is not on their Hard or Soft limits list, they balk at the very idea!
Example, I had a person message me about what she perceived as a problem. She had entered into a D/s relationship with a Dominant and had a list of tasks she was supposed to complete each day. She only completed the tasks when she "felt like it". She would constantly tell her Dominant "No" for no reason other than she was lazy. Her Dominant would then punish her because she didn't complete the task. They had many discussions about their dynamic, rules and expectations. She told me that she was an Alpha Sub and therefore had the ability to pick and choose when, where, and how she submitted to her Dominant, despite their mutual agreement. My advice to her was to re-evaluate her own life and decide if she really wanted to be a submissive. I told her that submission is a need you have to feel inside, not just an act to put on.
There are people that are true submissives but need a title or category to explain what kind of submissive they are. Thinking back over the numerous submissives I have encountered throughout my time in the Lifestyle, I saw certain patterns emerge. I consulted with other long standing members of the community and gave those patterns names which I published as a blog post entitled What Type of Submissive Are You. I use these different descriptions to help guide new submissives when they are seeking meaning to what they are feeling. I never tell them that they are one type of submissive and that is it. The fact is that most submissives cross into more than one category.
Along with the influx of new people into the Lifestyle has come a huge amount of new blogs and books written on various parts of BDSM. Some of these have taken it upon themselves to invent new terms of submissives that in my personal opinion, no way reflect on what a real submissive is. There are some descriptors I have read that basically take all of the submission out of the word submissive. What do I mean? Basically, many terms that are being used now are not a true reflection of the lifestyle and if followed by enough people, could actually influence or change the core of BDSM in a bad way.
At the core you have a Dominant and a submissive. The genders, race, age, and beliefs may be different from person to person, but they are still either a Dominant or a submissive. A Dominant is the one that takes control and responsibility for the submissive. The submissive is the one that feels the need to give up control and loves being controlled by a Dominant. The extent of Domination and submission will vary from each dynamic, scene and couple/group. But again, there is still a Dominant and a submissive.
We have many labels for what we call Dominants (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Daddy, Mommy) and even submissives (sub, slave, babygirl, babyboy, kajira, pet). Even with all these different labels, we still only have a Dominant and a submissive.
So, what is my point exactly? My point is that I worry that the actual core and deep meaning of true BDSM relationships may be compromised in the future if people continue to make up new terms and meanings just to sell books or promote websites that do not reflect the core principles of BDSM. It's fine to use descriptors to describe various Dominant or submissive behaviours but it should be done so in a responsible way. Use terms that are widely accepted and have roots already in the real life kink community versus making up some term, such as the ones above, that can compromise the community.
Are the core principles of BDSM being compromised by new terminologies? Yes. Can we do something about it? Yes. If you are serious about being in a BDSM relationship, serious about practicing a true D/s lifestyle, then do your own homework. Research and talk to qualified members that have a proven track record in our world. Don't believe all these new terms that are popping up everywhere and make no sense in the grand scheme of the BDSM world.
You may or may not agree with me about how important descriptors and terms are to us, but as humans, it's almost a fundamental need for most people to fit into a category. That is why this is such an important topic to consider.
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Welcome to Talk Tuesday! I'm sorry I missed last week but was very sick, but now I'm better and all caught up on messages. If you sent me an email asking for advice on something, you should have your answer now. Here are the top three questions that I think you will benefit from the most.
Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?"
First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.
Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"
This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.
Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"
Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com
Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?"
First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.
Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"
This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.
Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"
Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com
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Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! Every week we try to bring you questions that are not normally asked in an effort to help broaden your Lifestyle knowledge. We have a very diverse set of questions for you once again! This week's topics cover 'Safety for first Meetings', '24/7 Switches', and 'Ending an M/s Relationship'.
Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"
Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.
When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.
For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life
Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"
First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.
In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.
If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.
Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"
First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order. BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.
I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!
Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"
Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.
When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.
For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life
Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"
First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.
In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.
If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.
Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"
First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order. BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.
I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!
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Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! I have been 'WiFi challenged' all week but am all set tonight! The questions I chose for this week are somewhat different from the ones I normally post. But, I think many people new to the Lifestyle wonder about the same things. This week's topics cover "Starting BDSM", "Submissive Limits - who sets them", and "Swingers".
Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"
None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.
If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.
For further information read:
S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship
Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"
You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.
I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.
For further information read:
Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook
Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"
No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.
For further information read:
The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM
I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"
None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.
If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.
For further information read:
S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship
Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"
You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.
I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.
For further information read:
Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook
Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"
No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.
For further information read:
The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM
I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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This week instead of addressing normal Talk Tuesday questions, I am writing on a particular subject that I feel will be very beneficial for many new submissives and Dominants. Next week, the normal Talk Tuesday post will be back so get your questions in to us now at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
Topping from the bottom is when the bottom (submissive) directs how the scene or relationship goes. It is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough.
Why does a submissive top from the bottom? This is the question that has many conflicting answers. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Sometimes the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top. And still, there are also cases of the submissive being trained by the dominant to bottom top. Each person is different, so it can't really be said that there is one reason that a submissive bottom tops without truly knowing them.
Some subtle ways that a submissive might control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants (affections, completing tasks, service). One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before out of shame or fear. Now I'm not suggesting that you should just put your life in a Dominant's hands and have no limits. Please have limits because safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, then the relationship isn't what it could be.
Topping from the bottom is when the bottom (submissive) directs how the scene or relationship goes. It is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough.
Why does a submissive top from the bottom? This is the question that has many conflicting answers. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Sometimes the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top. And still, there are also cases of the submissive being trained by the dominant to bottom top. Each person is different, so it can't really be said that there is one reason that a submissive bottom tops without truly knowing them.
Some subtle ways that a submissive might control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants (affections, completing tasks, service). One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before out of shame or fear. Now I'm not suggesting that you should just put your life in a Dominant's hands and have no limits. Please have limits because safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, then the relationship isn't what it could be.
How do you recognise if your submissive is topping you from the bottom?
The above list is but a few signs that would be prevalent in these situations. If your submissive or yourself displays these signs, you should stop and ask yourself why. If this is a recurrent behaviour, then two situations come to my mind as a possible cause. First, you could be a switch and not know or understand that you have those tendencies. Second, you are not in a D/s dynamic that allows you to submit for some reason; the sub is not sub enough or actually not submissive. In this situation, reasons are often that the submissive doesn't trust or respect the dominant or that the dominant is not strong enough in personality to keep the sub's submission.
The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be that the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counselling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.
If you have anything to add to this conversation, please leave comments below! All creative commentary and diverse opinions welcome!
- They always ask 'Why' when given an order.
- They outright ignore commands or requests.
- They make all decisions on their own without following the dominant's directions.
- They tell the dominant what to do or how to behave during a scene.
The above list is but a few signs that would be prevalent in these situations. If your submissive or yourself displays these signs, you should stop and ask yourself why. If this is a recurrent behaviour, then two situations come to my mind as a possible cause. First, you could be a switch and not know or understand that you have those tendencies. Second, you are not in a D/s dynamic that allows you to submit for some reason; the sub is not sub enough or actually not submissive. In this situation, reasons are often that the submissive doesn't trust or respect the dominant or that the dominant is not strong enough in personality to keep the sub's submission.
The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be that the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counselling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.
If you have anything to add to this conversation, please leave comments below! All creative commentary and diverse opinions welcome!
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This week on BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday, we discuss 'Brats/SAMs', 'Taken in Hand relationships', and 'Secret BDSM Groups'.
Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."
Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.
Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!
Unfortunately, your article is pretty much the only thing I could find about the topic. I believe this definitely falls under the BDSM umbrella, but it's difficult to find anything about it. There are plenty of resources for ropes and whips and chains, any plenty more for what I've come to think of as the caricature of BDSM roles. Hardly any resources, I'm afraid, for the more subtle side of BDSM that I think this topic touches on.
I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."
What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.
Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.
surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship
desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline
unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand
These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.
Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."
If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.
Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."
Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.
Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!
I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."
What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.
Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.
surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship
desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline
unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand
These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.
Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."
If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.
I hope you all found this week's topics informative once again. If you have anything you would like to ask me or questions you need advice on, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
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Welcome to this week's edition of Talk Tuesday! Sorry it's a day late, but these past few days has been a struggle for me and my epilepsy. This week we talk about "Maintaining a 24/7 relationship", "D/s Relationship structures", and "A Narcissistic Dom".
Question #1) "We're trying to live life as a 24/7 D/s couple but it is complicated. We feel that this is our path to take but it's very difficult to stay concentrated because things in life happen around us all the time. We are determined to continue because we feel that this is not a game for us but what we desire to be. What advice can you give to help us keep our roles?"
First you both have to be very committed to establishing and maintaining this type of relationship. I would suggest setting realistic goals and rules for your relationship. Set up protocols and routines that you both can agree to and work with that fit into your lifestyle. Make sure that you both understand all punishments that are to be given and why (if you practice a lifestyle with a punishment basis). Even living a 24/7 D/s or M/s lifestyle, we all deal with regular everyday life such as families, jobs, chores (faccende) etc.
With rules, start out with easy to follow ones such as what kind of clothes to wear, who you can and can not talk to (males, females), how you keep your body groomed (shaving, hair color etc).
.jpg "Daily Chores Reminder - BDSM Relationships")
Sit down and write out a list of rules, protocols and daily chores you would like to follow each day. Make it Digital and Written. Go over it with him and get his approval on everything. Add things he wants added or delete things he feels are not necessary. Once you have the list together, have it set up on his cell phone calendar as a daily reminder of each thing he should ask you about. Make sure that the reminder pops up everyday at the same time with a unique ring tone he can not ignore and will hear. Try to help him get in the routine of it somehow (by a txt or reminder email to be on the lookout for the message on the phone.) Hopefully once he gets used to seeing the reminder and checking up on you, it will become routine.
Question #3) "I am a young woman (26) in my first master/slave relationship. I met my master on the Internet about three months ago. He is very experienced, and he has had many slaves before. He knows what he’s doing, I can tell. We didn't actually meet before our first session, and we have only been discussing via text messages and email. I have never even looked him in the eyes. The experience has been quite overwhelming. I’m not really complaining, I love our sessions and in general everything is going really well. As I said, we never speak face to face, but we have been texting a lot. At first it was only about the sessions, but now I’m getting to know him better, because he opens up to me more and more. I can sense that he likes talking to me. He has told me he doesn't usually talk to his slaves like this.
But one thing really bothers me a lot. He often texts me during the day, telling all sorts of things about his day. He likes the fact that I care. But he doesn't seem to care about… me. As a person. He never asks how I am doing. He knows I’m a student, but he doesn't know what my major is. He hasn't asked a single question about my job, even though I often mention things like having a rough day at work. He doesn't seem to care at all! This makes me feel extremely sad and confused, and I don’t know if I have the right to feel like that. I know was always supposed to be his slave, he doesn't have the responsibility to get to know me better as a person. But I assumed I wouldn't get to know him either. But he confides in me more and more, and it seems I’m the one he contacts when he needs to talk to someone about anything. He doesn't talk to me as my master, but more like a friend or lover. How can it be that he wants to keep in touch every day, but doesn't care at all about how I am doing? If this was any other relationship, I would end it. But he is still my master when we meet, and our sessions are wonderful.
Would you have any advice to give me? I cannot talk to him about it, because if he really likes me more than he thought he would, I don’t want to ruin it. I’m just so confused, I didn't expect this at all. It confuses me that he doesn't stay in his master role all the time. I wouldn't mind having a more personal relationship with him, but at this point it’s just all about him. He doesn't know anything about me and doesn't even want to know, and it really hurts."
I actually consulted my Padrone (Master) on this question He thinks that your Master may be a little bit of a Narcissist. That is someone who gains gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of their own attributes. He enjoys sharing things about himself to make himself feel good but doesn't even attempt to learn more about or take care of you emotionally. To me, he is not a true Master or Dominant, but someone that is in the relationship for the kinky sex. From what you wrote, he satisfies you sexually but not in any other way.
My Padrone's advice to you: If you can continue with the relationship as it is without hurting yourself more, then do so. But, if you are continuously being hurt by this relationship, you need to think about ending it before it hurts you more.
You now have to think about yourself, your own emotions and well being and your future. I urge you to have a deep think about what you want for yourself and your future and your partner in the future. You are not getting what you need emotionally and that is taking a toll on you. After getting a clear picture of what you want for the future, talk to your Master and tell him how you feel. You have to take the initiative on this. If he doesn't see your side of things or refuses to change, that's when you have to decide how you want to proceed. Can you live with such a one-sided relationship? Or are you doing yourself more harm by continuing with how things are? Yes you are submissive but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is bad for you.
If you have any comments or additional advice for the questions above, please leave them below! If you have questions yourself that you want advice on, please email us at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "We're trying to live life as a 24/7 D/s couple but it is complicated. We feel that this is our path to take but it's very difficult to stay concentrated because things in life happen around us all the time. We are determined to continue because we feel that this is not a game for us but what we desire to be. What advice can you give to help us keep our roles?"
First you both have to be very committed to establishing and maintaining this type of relationship. I would suggest setting realistic goals and rules for your relationship. Set up protocols and routines that you both can agree to and work with that fit into your lifestyle. Make sure that you both understand all punishments that are to be given and why (if you practice a lifestyle with a punishment basis). Even living a 24/7 D/s or M/s lifestyle, we all deal with regular everyday life such as families, jobs, chores (faccende) etc.
With rules, start out with easy to follow ones such as what kind of clothes to wear, who you can and can not talk to (males, females), how you keep your body groomed (shaving, hair color etc).
Protocols would be include things like how you address your Dominant in public and at home, when you wear your collar, how you greet your Dom when he gets home from work. Make simple ones and keep in mind that life gets in the way for everyone. If you work and come home tired most days, your dominant should not expect you to go into your submissive mode as soon as you walk into the door.
Take time for yourself before you get into your submissive mood. Shut out the outside world and make your home your own BDSM heaven.
Take time for yourself before you get into your submissive mood. Shut out the outside world and make your home your own BDSM heaven.
Question #2) "How do I approach my master with wanting to have more structure? We don't live together and his health problems affect his memory. We have tried reminder programs and such by none seem to help. I like the idea of having protocols in place that way it's easier on him and so I don't get upset when he forgets."
Sit down and write out a list of rules, protocols and daily chores you would like to follow each day. Make it Digital and Written. Go over it with him and get his approval on everything. Add things he wants added or delete things he feels are not necessary. Once you have the list together, have it set up on his cell phone calendar as a daily reminder of each thing he should ask you about. Make sure that the reminder pops up everyday at the same time with a unique ring tone he can not ignore and will hear. Try to help him get in the routine of it somehow (by a txt or reminder email to be on the lookout for the message on the phone.) Hopefully once he gets used to seeing the reminder and checking up on you, it will become routine.
Question #3) "I am a young woman (26) in my first master/slave relationship. I met my master on the Internet about three months ago. He is very experienced, and he has had many slaves before. He knows what he’s doing, I can tell. We didn't actually meet before our first session, and we have only been discussing via text messages and email. I have never even looked him in the eyes. The experience has been quite overwhelming. I’m not really complaining, I love our sessions and in general everything is going really well. As I said, we never speak face to face, but we have been texting a lot. At first it was only about the sessions, but now I’m getting to know him better, because he opens up to me more and more. I can sense that he likes talking to me. He has told me he doesn't usually talk to his slaves like this.
But one thing really bothers me a lot. He often texts me during the day, telling all sorts of things about his day. He likes the fact that I care. But he doesn't seem to care about… me. As a person. He never asks how I am doing. He knows I’m a student, but he doesn't know what my major is. He hasn't asked a single question about my job, even though I often mention things like having a rough day at work. He doesn't seem to care at all! This makes me feel extremely sad and confused, and I don’t know if I have the right to feel like that. I know was always supposed to be his slave, he doesn't have the responsibility to get to know me better as a person. But I assumed I wouldn't get to know him either. But he confides in me more and more, and it seems I’m the one he contacts when he needs to talk to someone about anything. He doesn't talk to me as my master, but more like a friend or lover. How can it be that he wants to keep in touch every day, but doesn't care at all about how I am doing? If this was any other relationship, I would end it. But he is still my master when we meet, and our sessions are wonderful.
Would you have any advice to give me? I cannot talk to him about it, because if he really likes me more than he thought he would, I don’t want to ruin it. I’m just so confused, I didn't expect this at all. It confuses me that he doesn't stay in his master role all the time. I wouldn't mind having a more personal relationship with him, but at this point it’s just all about him. He doesn't know anything about me and doesn't even want to know, and it really hurts."
I actually consulted my Padrone (Master) on this question He thinks that your Master may be a little bit of a Narcissist. That is someone who gains gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of their own attributes. He enjoys sharing things about himself to make himself feel good but doesn't even attempt to learn more about or take care of you emotionally. To me, he is not a true Master or Dominant, but someone that is in the relationship for the kinky sex. From what you wrote, he satisfies you sexually but not in any other way.
My Padrone's advice to you: If you can continue with the relationship as it is without hurting yourself more, then do so. But, if you are continuously being hurt by this relationship, you need to think about ending it before it hurts you more.
You now have to think about yourself, your own emotions and well being and your future. I urge you to have a deep think about what you want for yourself and your future and your partner in the future. You are not getting what you need emotionally and that is taking a toll on you. After getting a clear picture of what you want for the future, talk to your Master and tell him how you feel. You have to take the initiative on this. If he doesn't see your side of things or refuses to change, that's when you have to decide how you want to proceed. Can you live with such a one-sided relationship? Or are you doing yourself more harm by continuing with how things are? Yes you are submissive but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is bad for you.
If you have any comments or additional advice for the questions above, please leave them below! If you have questions yourself that you want advice on, please email us at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
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