Welcome to Talk Tuesday! I'm sorry I missed last week but was very sick, but now I'm better and all caught up on messages. If you sent me an email asking for advice on something, you should have your answer now. Here are the top three questions that I think you will benefit from the most.
Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?"
First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.
Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"
This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.
Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"
Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com
Question #1) "I am entering into my first BDSM relationship and we are making a contract first. My Dom wants me to look and agree to different punishments that he has listed for different scenarios if I break a rule. I am not comfortable with some of them so what do I do? Can I not agree to them?"
First I have to say I am very happy to hear that you are both setting down and filling out a contract so that you both know the limits, rules, and consequences of the relationship you want to build. It is a good sign that he wants you to agree to your punishments before signing the contract so that there should be no confusion in the future if you ever have to be punished for some reason. If there are things in the contract, specifically certain types of punishments you do not want to agree to, then now is the time to tell him. Make sure you have very good reasons and discuss an alternative with him that you and he will both be comfortable with. When I say comfortable with, I don't mean comfort because a punishment is just that: Something given when a rule has been broken. I also advise your Dominant to ensure that the punishment always fits the infraction. Example: the sub is supposed to write a journal entry but doesn't. The punishment for this should be something like writing 50 lines of something, not getting flogged or spanked because it is such a minor infraction. Just make sure that everything you and your dominant put in the contract is something that you both can live with and agree on. That is one of the foundations that will help you build a stronger, longer lasting D/s relationship.
Question #2) "I am involved in a bdsm relationship online with a dom that I just found out is married. I didn't know this until I asked him to come visit me and he always had an excuse. I feel like he is cheating on me and his wife but he said it isn't because we interact online only. I can't decide if I should break it off or not. What do you think? Is it cheating?"
This is most definitely a form of cheating. I consider any form of flirtatious interactions/picture exchanges with someone your partner doesn't know about to be cheating. The feelings involved in an online only BDSM relationship can be very deep for some while others treat it like a game or fantasy. If you are not comfortable with his cheating and are not happy in your current relationship, then you have to understand you will need to take steps to break off that relationship. Generally, if you find out your partner is actually attached and you are not, then again you have to decide if that is a relationship you want to be in. If the dominant lied to you about his marital status, the chances are that he has lied to you about many other things. You need to evaluate your relationship with him, your own values, and see what your heart tells you to do.
Question #3) "What is the difference in pushing limits of a sub and crossing the Hard Limits boundary?"
Pushing the limits of a sub is taking them just outside their comfort zone and helping them grow their boundaries for things like flogging, pain play, sensory deprivation play. Pushing the limits of a sub might frighten them a little but should not harm them in any way. When you cross the hard limit of a sub, that is breaking the trust you have established with them. If a sub has flogging as a hard limit, that means they do not want to and will not participate in any scenes or scenarios that involve flogging. If a dominant has a sub bound during a scene and brings out a flogger to use on the sub, even though it is a hard limit, they just committed abuse in my opinion. When you participate in a BDSM scene (S&M), always make sure it is with a partner that knows and respects your limits list.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and also learned a little bit more about the topics above. If you have any questions or advise you would like me to answer, please email me at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com
Share this post - support us:
Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! Every week we try to bring you questions that are not normally asked in an effort to help broaden your Lifestyle knowledge. We have a very diverse set of questions for you once again! This week's topics cover 'Safety for first Meetings', '24/7 Switches', and 'Ending an M/s Relationship'.
Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"
Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.
When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.
For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life
Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"
First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.
In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.
If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.
Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"
First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order. BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.
I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!
Question #1) "I have been talking to a Dom online and I want to meet him for a playdate. I have read all kinds of things about safety and want to know what you think about safety protocols?"
Before you play, I would suggest you meet him just for coffee or something first in a public place. Get to know him more in person before playing. If you can, get a couple of references from other well known Lifestyle members that can vouch for him. You also want to make sure you get the type of car he drives and the license plate beforehand. Write this information down, along with the full name and phone number and give it to a friend in case anything happens to you.
When you do meet him for a play date, make sure you have a couple of safe calls set up. That is where you call a friend at a certain time to let them know you are ok. Most of all, pay attention to your own instincts. If something seems off with the guy, it probably is and I recommend you cut all contact with him. Many times we will ignore our own instincts to our own peril.
For more in-depth information:
First Meetings - Cyber to Real Life
Question #2) "My partner and I are both switches and new to BDSM. We take turns during sex being the dom/sub. If we wanted to live the lifestyle outside of the bedroom, how would that work?"
First, you have to both fill out and agree on what the limits, rules, and protocols will be for each of you when you are in the sub role. Next, I suggest using an alternating schedule with 2 vanilla days in between in order to be able to switch roles more clearly. An example would be 5 days D/s roles, 2 days vanilla, switch roles and do another 5 days.
In order to help each of you get into your correct head space for the role you are taking on that week (Dom/sub), establish a protocol that is symbolic for each of you. You can do something like having the sub kneel before the Dom and placing the collar around the neck while the dom says something significant that affirms the dominant's role at the same time. You might also want to think about establishing a mini uncollaring ceremony in order to help each of you transition out of your roles.
If you feel like you want to go longer or have less days in between, that will be something you will change as you both grow more comfortable with your schedules and roles.
Question #3) "I want to end the relationship with my Master but he says I can't until he wants to call it off. How can I end the relationship with him since I am the slave?"
First of all, you can end the relationship anytime you wish. If you have a contract or not, you are not bound by anything legal to stay with him. I suggest you tell him point blank that you are formally ending your relationship and will no longer serve him as his slave. If you are living together, you need to make arrangements to leave. If you are both involved with a BDSM community, I suggest you ask another dominant to sponsor or protect you until you are sure you are free from this guy. Most of all, be careful. If you think he is abusive or will be abusive, I suggest a restraining order. BDSM slavery is freely given and taken away. You are in no way at all bound to him, unless you choose to be. Just remember that no matter what he tries to tell you.
I hope you learned something new and that the Q&A helped you with one of your own Lifestyle questions. If you are having a problem or just want advice on a BDSM related question, send an email to bdsmunveiled@gmail.com. All questions answered anonymously!
Share this post - support us:
Welcome to BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday! I have been 'WiFi challenged' all week but am all set tonight! The questions I chose for this week are somewhat different from the ones I normally post. But, I think many people new to the Lifestyle wonder about the same things. This week's topics cover "Starting BDSM", "Submissive Limits - who sets them", and "Swingers".
Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"
None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.
If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.
For further information read:
S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship
Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"
You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.
I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.
For further information read:
Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook
Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"
No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.
For further information read:
The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM
I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "What kind of stuff (toys clothes ect) do I need to start practicing BDSM?"
None in reality. It depends on what parts of BDSM you want to practice. Do you and your partner want to play with toys, practice bondage? You can use common household items (neckties, stockings, scarves) as blindfolds and binds for arms and legs. If you want to try different things for spanking tools, you can try wooden spoons, spatulas, or hair brushes. You might be surprised if you look around your house as to the things you can use to play sexually. Now, clothes are always optional.
If you want to practice a Dominant/submissive relationship outside the bedroom, you need to establish rules, protocols, and limits with your partner. Whatever you decide, there has to be trust, respect, and open communication between you. Anything you decide to practice should be safe, sane, and most importantly consensual.
For further information read:
S&M on a Budget
Foundations of a D/s Relationship
Question #2) "I'm new to D&S and a submissive. I was reading on your blog about Limits and wondered if it was my place to put limits in place or for my Dominant to put limits in place when I get one? I read that everyone should have limits and there are things I don't want to do. Can you help clear up my confusion?"
You have to set your own limits first. Nobody knows innermost desires, wants, needs and expectations than you. As you grow in your new life as a submissive, you will most likely change some of your limits. Your dominant will have limits that may differ somewhat from yours so he/she will need to maintain their own list. Once you and your dominant have both read, filled in, and then reread your limits list, you will then compare each of them. Make a third list that has one column that is a combined list (ones you both checked off on the worksheet), then two other columns showing your individual lists. This is the list that you can use to base punishments, scenes, and rules about how you want to live your version of the lifestyle on.
I suggest you download my free Limits Worksheet eBook. It will help you think of many things that you might overlook.
For further information read:
Limits in a BDSM Relationship
Free Limits Worksheet eBook
Question #3) "Are all BDSM people swingers?"
No. You will find most BDSM couples are very committed to each other and monogamous. There are an infinite number of BDSM relationships. Some dominants do not share their submissives while others like to hand their subs to different dominants to play with. Some BDSM relationships are a monogomous Poly group (meaning more than 2 people involved) while others may have an Open play policy. All parties involved in any type of BDSM relationship have to know everything and be honest with the other member or members of their group.
For further information read:
The Differences in BDSM Relationships and Then Some...
Swinging, Swapping, Polysexuality, Polyamory-Polyamorus (or Poly) relationships
Polyamory in BDSM
I hope you found the above questions interesting and informative. Make sure you read the suggested posts afterwards to help your understanding of a particular subject grow. If you have any questions you would like to ask me or advise on, send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
This week instead of addressing normal Talk Tuesday questions, I am writing on a particular subject that I feel will be very beneficial for many new submissives and Dominants. Next week, the normal Talk Tuesday post will be back so get your questions in to us now at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
Topping from the bottom is when the bottom (submissive) directs how the scene or relationship goes. It is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough.
Why does a submissive top from the bottom? This is the question that has many conflicting answers. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Sometimes the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top. And still, there are also cases of the submissive being trained by the dominant to bottom top. Each person is different, so it can't really be said that there is one reason that a submissive bottom tops without truly knowing them.
Some subtle ways that a submissive might control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants (affections, completing tasks, service). One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before out of shame or fear. Now I'm not suggesting that you should just put your life in a Dominant's hands and have no limits. Please have limits because safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, then the relationship isn't what it could be.
Topping from the bottom is when the bottom (submissive) directs how the scene or relationship goes. It is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough.
Why does a submissive top from the bottom? This is the question that has many conflicting answers. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Sometimes the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top. And still, there are also cases of the submissive being trained by the dominant to bottom top. Each person is different, so it can't really be said that there is one reason that a submissive bottom tops without truly knowing them.
Some subtle ways that a submissive might control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants (affections, completing tasks, service). One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before out of shame or fear. Now I'm not suggesting that you should just put your life in a Dominant's hands and have no limits. Please have limits because safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, then the relationship isn't what it could be.
How do you recognise if your submissive is topping you from the bottom?
The above list is but a few signs that would be prevalent in these situations. If your submissive or yourself displays these signs, you should stop and ask yourself why. If this is a recurrent behaviour, then two situations come to my mind as a possible cause. First, you could be a switch and not know or understand that you have those tendencies. Second, you are not in a D/s dynamic that allows you to submit for some reason; the sub is not sub enough or actually not submissive. In this situation, reasons are often that the submissive doesn't trust or respect the dominant or that the dominant is not strong enough in personality to keep the sub's submission.
The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be that the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counselling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.
If you have anything to add to this conversation, please leave comments below! All creative commentary and diverse opinions welcome!
- They always ask 'Why' when given an order.
- They outright ignore commands or requests.
- They make all decisions on their own without following the dominant's directions.
- They tell the dominant what to do or how to behave during a scene.
The above list is but a few signs that would be prevalent in these situations. If your submissive or yourself displays these signs, you should stop and ask yourself why. If this is a recurrent behaviour, then two situations come to my mind as a possible cause. First, you could be a switch and not know or understand that you have those tendencies. Second, you are not in a D/s dynamic that allows you to submit for some reason; the sub is not sub enough or actually not submissive. In this situation, reasons are often that the submissive doesn't trust or respect the dominant or that the dominant is not strong enough in personality to keep the sub's submission.
The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be that the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counselling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.
If you have anything to add to this conversation, please leave comments below! All creative commentary and diverse opinions welcome!
Share this post - support us:
This week on BDSM Unveiled's Talk Tuesday, we discuss 'Brats/SAMs', 'Taken in Hand relationships', and 'Secret BDSM Groups'.
Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."
Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.
Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!
Unfortunately, your article is pretty much the only thing I could find about the topic. I believe this definitely falls under the BDSM umbrella, but it's difficult to find anything about it. There are plenty of resources for ropes and whips and chains, any plenty more for what I've come to think of as the caricature of BDSM roles. Hardly any resources, I'm afraid, for the more subtle side of BDSM that I think this topic touches on.
I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."
What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.
Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.
surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship
desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline
unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand
These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.
Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."
If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.
Question #1) "I recently found the world of bdsm and i was simply sucked into the beauty of it all. Your book bdsm for beginners really gave me a basic understanding of the kink world and is a big reason why i chose to explore the scene. In my every day life I'm a vanilla girl working her way to becoming a strong independent woman. I recently tested really high for brattiness on a bdsm test and i was wondering what you think of brats? I understand that theres a fine line between being a playful submissive and just being down right disrespectful and the term brat is often frowned upon in the community. I just wanted your opinion as there is scarce resources on this particular topic."
Brat is a term that has been utilised more in recent years (mostly since 2000) in the world of BDSM, especially since the online community started becoming more active. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers about what a brat is and if it is even a real term or role. To me, brat is not an actual role or sub category, but an adjective describing a SAM. In an earlier blog post I wrote called 'What Type of Submissive are You?', I talk about SAM's (Smart-Ass Masochists). They deliberately misbehave most or all of the time so the Dominant will punish them. These types of subs are frowned upon in the BDSM community. Most people feel these subs are too weak to honestly ask for what they want or in some cases, they are not aware that they want to be punished. At times, they can provoke real anger without thinking how their behavior can affect the Dominant. The Dominant may then lose control and do actual harm to the SAM. They feel great remorse in losing control and can lose confidence in their Dominant abilities. You are right when you say there is a fine line between SAM and playful. If you do have a sense of humour, make sure that your Dominant does also. If he/she doesn't, they can very well see any attempts at playfulness as disrespect. Second, take care to not cross over the line into disrespect when you do play with your dominant. As far as those tests are concerned, I honestly don't think they are real or accurate when it comes to online tests. I would not put too much significance on what a personality test says and concentrate on developing your own wants/needs and those of your partner.
Question #2) "I stumbled across your site after doing a Google search for "bdsm housewife." On the first page, third from the top and hidden amongst 8,480,000 results that seem to mostly consist of tacky porn, was your article "Being a 1950s Style Housewife in 2013." Jackpot!
I was hoping you could direct me to additional resources or, if you know of none, that you and your husband would consider writing a bit more about this topic. I wish I could be more specific about what I'm trying to find, but part of the problem is not really having the language to describe what it is we're looking for. It's difficult for two very progressive people to realize that they both desire what I can best describe as a more "traditional" marriage dynamic. Any help or information you (and/or your husband) can provide would be greatly appreciated."
What you are describing sounds like a Taken in Hand relationship. I am glad you found my article useful. Below, I have compiled a list of different Taken in Hand websites that I hope will help discover what exactly you and your wife seek. While most Taken in Hand relationships utilise spankings and various forms of discipline, you do not have to, unless you both agree that it would be beneficial to you both. I have to say upfront that I have not read the entire websites but have skimmed and think they will be a good start for your and your wife's journey. Some of them may have religious connotations in them that I am not aware of. While I am not religious and do not promote any type of religion, I do respect all views of religion from others.
Please read and let me know if you have more questions and I will be happy to answer or direct you if I can.
surrendered.blog.com/taken-in-hand-relationship
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-In-A-Taken-In-Hand-Relationship
desiringdiscipline.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/cdd-ttwd-taken-in-hand-and-what-do-the-men-think-of-this
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/p/blog-page_6
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2013/04/taken-in-hand-head-of-household-tih-hoh-role-domestic-discipline
unconventionalwoman.blogspot.it/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male
adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.it/2012/09/becoming-taken-in-hand
These should give you a great beginning and at least give you a better description of the type of relationship you and your wife strive to make. After reading the blogs above, let me know if you have questions and I will try to help.
Question #3) "My wife is in a secret bdsm group. Should i worry? i do trust her. She says its cause we are in a good place in our relationship, she didn't feel the need to have to tell me. Shes dedicated to me and then last night she told me she i my sub and submits and trust only me to give her the love and protection she needs. And told me im her dom i have never really dommed before so this is new to me. Any advice you have would be very helpful and appreciated. You know on how to properly dom how to keep her happy and when and how to discipline and reward her."
If she is telling you that she is in a secret group and you want to find out about the group, ask to be put into it yourself. You might learn some things from it. As long as she is not hiding the fact she is in a BDSM group and you two continue to have open and honest communication, I wouldn't worry. As far as learning more about the world of BDSM, the first thing you have to do is read as much as you can about the bids lifestyle before you start trying to implement anything into your relationship. Read about the different types of relationships and decide with your wife what type of dynamic you wish to learn. A couple of websites to read would be thelairofladyhecate.com, bdsmunveiled.com, and submissiveguide.com. They offer many posts that will be very helpful to you and your wife.
I hope you all found this week's topics informative once again. If you have anything you would like to ask me or questions you need advice on, please email me at bdsmunveiled@gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
Welcome to this week's edition of Talk Tuesday! Sorry it's a day late, but these past few days has been a struggle for me and my epilepsy. This week we talk about "Maintaining a 24/7 relationship", "D/s Relationship structures", and "A Narcissistic Dom".
Question #1) "We're trying to live life as a 24/7 D/s couple but it is complicated. We feel that this is our path to take but it's very difficult to stay concentrated because things in life happen around us all the time. We are determined to continue because we feel that this is not a game for us but what we desire to be. What advice can you give to help us keep our roles?"
First you both have to be very committed to establishing and maintaining this type of relationship. I would suggest setting realistic goals and rules for your relationship. Set up protocols and routines that you both can agree to and work with that fit into your lifestyle. Make sure that you both understand all punishments that are to be given and why (if you practice a lifestyle with a punishment basis). Even living a 24/7 D/s or M/s lifestyle, we all deal with regular everyday life such as families, jobs, chores (faccende) etc.
With rules, start out with easy to follow ones such as what kind of clothes to wear, who you can and can not talk to (males, females), how you keep your body groomed (shaving, hair color etc).
.jpg "Daily Chores Reminder - BDSM Relationships")
Sit down and write out a list of rules, protocols and daily chores you would like to follow each day. Make it Digital and Written. Go over it with him and get his approval on everything. Add things he wants added or delete things he feels are not necessary. Once you have the list together, have it set up on his cell phone calendar as a daily reminder of each thing he should ask you about. Make sure that the reminder pops up everyday at the same time with a unique ring tone he can not ignore and will hear. Try to help him get in the routine of it somehow (by a txt or reminder email to be on the lookout for the message on the phone.) Hopefully once he gets used to seeing the reminder and checking up on you, it will become routine.
Question #3) "I am a young woman (26) in my first master/slave relationship. I met my master on the Internet about three months ago. He is very experienced, and he has had many slaves before. He knows what he’s doing, I can tell. We didn't actually meet before our first session, and we have only been discussing via text messages and email. I have never even looked him in the eyes. The experience has been quite overwhelming. I’m not really complaining, I love our sessions and in general everything is going really well. As I said, we never speak face to face, but we have been texting a lot. At first it was only about the sessions, but now I’m getting to know him better, because he opens up to me more and more. I can sense that he likes talking to me. He has told me he doesn't usually talk to his slaves like this.
But one thing really bothers me a lot. He often texts me during the day, telling all sorts of things about his day. He likes the fact that I care. But he doesn't seem to care about… me. As a person. He never asks how I am doing. He knows I’m a student, but he doesn't know what my major is. He hasn't asked a single question about my job, even though I often mention things like having a rough day at work. He doesn't seem to care at all! This makes me feel extremely sad and confused, and I don’t know if I have the right to feel like that. I know was always supposed to be his slave, he doesn't have the responsibility to get to know me better as a person. But I assumed I wouldn't get to know him either. But he confides in me more and more, and it seems I’m the one he contacts when he needs to talk to someone about anything. He doesn't talk to me as my master, but more like a friend or lover. How can it be that he wants to keep in touch every day, but doesn't care at all about how I am doing? If this was any other relationship, I would end it. But he is still my master when we meet, and our sessions are wonderful.
Would you have any advice to give me? I cannot talk to him about it, because if he really likes me more than he thought he would, I don’t want to ruin it. I’m just so confused, I didn't expect this at all. It confuses me that he doesn't stay in his master role all the time. I wouldn't mind having a more personal relationship with him, but at this point it’s just all about him. He doesn't know anything about me and doesn't even want to know, and it really hurts."
I actually consulted my Padrone (Master) on this question He thinks that your Master may be a little bit of a Narcissist. That is someone who gains gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of their own attributes. He enjoys sharing things about himself to make himself feel good but doesn't even attempt to learn more about or take care of you emotionally. To me, he is not a true Master or Dominant, but someone that is in the relationship for the kinky sex. From what you wrote, he satisfies you sexually but not in any other way.
My Padrone's advice to you: If you can continue with the relationship as it is without hurting yourself more, then do so. But, if you are continuously being hurt by this relationship, you need to think about ending it before it hurts you more.
You now have to think about yourself, your own emotions and well being and your future. I urge you to have a deep think about what you want for yourself and your future and your partner in the future. You are not getting what you need emotionally and that is taking a toll on you. After getting a clear picture of what you want for the future, talk to your Master and tell him how you feel. You have to take the initiative on this. If he doesn't see your side of things or refuses to change, that's when you have to decide how you want to proceed. Can you live with such a one-sided relationship? Or are you doing yourself more harm by continuing with how things are? Yes you are submissive but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is bad for you.
If you have any comments or additional advice for the questions above, please leave them below! If you have questions yourself that you want advice on, please email us at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Question #1) "We're trying to live life as a 24/7 D/s couple but it is complicated. We feel that this is our path to take but it's very difficult to stay concentrated because things in life happen around us all the time. We are determined to continue because we feel that this is not a game for us but what we desire to be. What advice can you give to help us keep our roles?"
First you both have to be very committed to establishing and maintaining this type of relationship. I would suggest setting realistic goals and rules for your relationship. Set up protocols and routines that you both can agree to and work with that fit into your lifestyle. Make sure that you both understand all punishments that are to be given and why (if you practice a lifestyle with a punishment basis). Even living a 24/7 D/s or M/s lifestyle, we all deal with regular everyday life such as families, jobs, chores (faccende) etc.
With rules, start out with easy to follow ones such as what kind of clothes to wear, who you can and can not talk to (males, females), how you keep your body groomed (shaving, hair color etc).
Protocols would be include things like how you address your Dominant in public and at home, when you wear your collar, how you greet your Dom when he gets home from work. Make simple ones and keep in mind that life gets in the way for everyone. If you work and come home tired most days, your dominant should not expect you to go into your submissive mode as soon as you walk into the door.
Take time for yourself before you get into your submissive mood. Shut out the outside world and make your home your own BDSM heaven.
Take time for yourself before you get into your submissive mood. Shut out the outside world and make your home your own BDSM heaven.
Question #2) "How do I approach my master with wanting to have more structure? We don't live together and his health problems affect his memory. We have tried reminder programs and such by none seem to help. I like the idea of having protocols in place that way it's easier on him and so I don't get upset when he forgets."
Sit down and write out a list of rules, protocols and daily chores you would like to follow each day. Make it Digital and Written. Go over it with him and get his approval on everything. Add things he wants added or delete things he feels are not necessary. Once you have the list together, have it set up on his cell phone calendar as a daily reminder of each thing he should ask you about. Make sure that the reminder pops up everyday at the same time with a unique ring tone he can not ignore and will hear. Try to help him get in the routine of it somehow (by a txt or reminder email to be on the lookout for the message on the phone.) Hopefully once he gets used to seeing the reminder and checking up on you, it will become routine.
Question #3) "I am a young woman (26) in my first master/slave relationship. I met my master on the Internet about three months ago. He is very experienced, and he has had many slaves before. He knows what he’s doing, I can tell. We didn't actually meet before our first session, and we have only been discussing via text messages and email. I have never even looked him in the eyes. The experience has been quite overwhelming. I’m not really complaining, I love our sessions and in general everything is going really well. As I said, we never speak face to face, but we have been texting a lot. At first it was only about the sessions, but now I’m getting to know him better, because he opens up to me more and more. I can sense that he likes talking to me. He has told me he doesn't usually talk to his slaves like this.
But one thing really bothers me a lot. He often texts me during the day, telling all sorts of things about his day. He likes the fact that I care. But he doesn't seem to care about… me. As a person. He never asks how I am doing. He knows I’m a student, but he doesn't know what my major is. He hasn't asked a single question about my job, even though I often mention things like having a rough day at work. He doesn't seem to care at all! This makes me feel extremely sad and confused, and I don’t know if I have the right to feel like that. I know was always supposed to be his slave, he doesn't have the responsibility to get to know me better as a person. But I assumed I wouldn't get to know him either. But he confides in me more and more, and it seems I’m the one he contacts when he needs to talk to someone about anything. He doesn't talk to me as my master, but more like a friend or lover. How can it be that he wants to keep in touch every day, but doesn't care at all about how I am doing? If this was any other relationship, I would end it. But he is still my master when we meet, and our sessions are wonderful.
Would you have any advice to give me? I cannot talk to him about it, because if he really likes me more than he thought he would, I don’t want to ruin it. I’m just so confused, I didn't expect this at all. It confuses me that he doesn't stay in his master role all the time. I wouldn't mind having a more personal relationship with him, but at this point it’s just all about him. He doesn't know anything about me and doesn't even want to know, and it really hurts."
I actually consulted my Padrone (Master) on this question He thinks that your Master may be a little bit of a Narcissist. That is someone who gains gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of their own attributes. He enjoys sharing things about himself to make himself feel good but doesn't even attempt to learn more about or take care of you emotionally. To me, he is not a true Master or Dominant, but someone that is in the relationship for the kinky sex. From what you wrote, he satisfies you sexually but not in any other way.
My Padrone's advice to you: If you can continue with the relationship as it is without hurting yourself more, then do so. But, if you are continuously being hurt by this relationship, you need to think about ending it before it hurts you more.
You now have to think about yourself, your own emotions and well being and your future. I urge you to have a deep think about what you want for yourself and your future and your partner in the future. You are not getting what you need emotionally and that is taking a toll on you. After getting a clear picture of what you want for the future, talk to your Master and tell him how you feel. You have to take the initiative on this. If he doesn't see your side of things or refuses to change, that's when you have to decide how you want to proceed. Can you live with such a one-sided relationship? Or are you doing yourself more harm by continuing with how things are? Yes you are submissive but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that is bad for you.
If you have any comments or additional advice for the questions above, please leave them below! If you have questions yourself that you want advice on, please email us at bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
Body image is the mental representation that we create of what we think we look like; it may or may not bear a close relation to how others actually see us. Body image issues are often treated as if they were only a problem for women. When you think about Body Image Issues, what picture forms in your head? For most, it is that of a girl or young adult that is either very overweight or one that is anorexic. But men suffer from many of the same debilitating problems caused by warped perceptions of their bodies.
It’s estimated that about 45 per cent of Western men are unhappy with their bodies to some degree, compared with only 15 per cent some 25 years ago. Research suggests that homosexual men, models, dancers and athletes may be particularly vulnerable to poor body image or feeling insecure about their bodies. This is because they are more likely to be in situations where they may be judged (or believe they will be judged) according to their appearance. Some of you ladies reading this may sneer and roll your eyes thinking "Welcome to my life!" Yes, women have had to deal with this sort of scrutiny for much of their lives, but we shouldn't be under the assumption that men don't know the feeling. Truth be told, we are all victims of the media. No one is safe.
We are told to conform to impossible beauty standards, to fit a certain body shape and that if we don't look a certain way, we aren't beautiful. We have diet trends and fads thrust upon us to try and encourage us to get that "perfect" figure that everybody seems to want and we are picked apart by the media and told to rebuild ourselves in their perfect ideal. Males are shown images of young men sporting muscles and a perfect ‘six pack’ stomach. They are also given the 'perfection' blueprint in media directed to them. They are told they should be strong, muscular, and show no emotion. They are told constantly to "Man Up" and to "Be a Man."
I'm often left to wonder -- why don't men ever talk about body image issues? Would they be deemed sensitive or weak if they discussed the dissatisfaction of our appearance? Would they not be looked at as protectors and/or leaders if they honestly admitted that they have physical insecurities? Has pop culture demoralized morality and influenced masculinity to the point that men have disassociated themselves with the authenticity of vulnerability? Body image issues have never been an easy topic to discuss. Proudly, women have started fighting back against antagonistic criticism, while men have yet to admit that an issue actually exists. The problem is that there are way too many men suffering in silence.
Men often combat their dilemma with body image by becoming exercise dependent, which can lead to overtraining and increased injury. Some will indulge in steroid use or entertain ambiguous fad diets for quicker (short-term) results. Others become immersed in their sorrows, seeking refuge from public events and social gatherings. Both are behavioral pitfalls that I've seen a number of times. We should understand those men who do suffer from body image issues and eating disorders; we shouldn't be scolding them because we've had to experience this cruelty for longer. As a whole, we all need to understand the damages the media can cause. If we can do that, we will be well on our way to a more body positive society for all.
Undue pressure is put on men by women, their friends, other men and their parents, especially their fathers. "Be a Man" is something that is easily said, but carries a lot of weight. Slamming a man with this phrase is telling him that he has to bury his emotions and his feelings, to take life on the chin and to never show weakness. If he cries, he is weak; if he is kind, he's a wimp. This simple phrase has the ability to be crippling. Telling the young man this will give him extreme feelings of inadequacy. It insinuates that he's not man enough, he's not strong enough.
It doesn't matter what body type you fall under -- skinny, thick, tall or short, at some point I'm sure you have been self-absorbed with your body image. Stop being afraid to address it! Stop living in misery! Change what you can control and embrace what you cannot change. Whatever your gender, we are not safe from low self-esteem and poor body image caused by much of our society and our media.
If you suffer with health problems caused by any type of eating disorder, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help.
Coming soon in the series: How Body Image affects Males in BDSM.
It’s estimated that about 45 per cent of Western men are unhappy with their bodies to some degree, compared with only 15 per cent some 25 years ago. Research suggests that homosexual men, models, dancers and athletes may be particularly vulnerable to poor body image or feeling insecure about their bodies. This is because they are more likely to be in situations where they may be judged (or believe they will be judged) according to their appearance. Some of you ladies reading this may sneer and roll your eyes thinking "Welcome to my life!" Yes, women have had to deal with this sort of scrutiny for much of their lives, but we shouldn't be under the assumption that men don't know the feeling. Truth be told, we are all victims of the media. No one is safe.
We are told to conform to impossible beauty standards, to fit a certain body shape and that if we don't look a certain way, we aren't beautiful. We have diet trends and fads thrust upon us to try and encourage us to get that "perfect" figure that everybody seems to want and we are picked apart by the media and told to rebuild ourselves in their perfect ideal. Males are shown images of young men sporting muscles and a perfect ‘six pack’ stomach. They are also given the 'perfection' blueprint in media directed to them. They are told they should be strong, muscular, and show no emotion. They are told constantly to "Man Up" and to "Be a Man."
I'm often left to wonder -- why don't men ever talk about body image issues? Would they be deemed sensitive or weak if they discussed the dissatisfaction of our appearance? Would they not be looked at as protectors and/or leaders if they honestly admitted that they have physical insecurities? Has pop culture demoralized morality and influenced masculinity to the point that men have disassociated themselves with the authenticity of vulnerability? Body image issues have never been an easy topic to discuss. Proudly, women have started fighting back against antagonistic criticism, while men have yet to admit that an issue actually exists. The problem is that there are way too many men suffering in silence.
Men often combat their dilemma with body image by becoming exercise dependent, which can lead to overtraining and increased injury. Some will indulge in steroid use or entertain ambiguous fad diets for quicker (short-term) results. Others become immersed in their sorrows, seeking refuge from public events and social gatherings. Both are behavioral pitfalls that I've seen a number of times. We should understand those men who do suffer from body image issues and eating disorders; we shouldn't be scolding them because we've had to experience this cruelty for longer. As a whole, we all need to understand the damages the media can cause. If we can do that, we will be well on our way to a more body positive society for all.
Undue pressure is put on men by women, their friends, other men and their parents, especially their fathers. "Be a Man" is something that is easily said, but carries a lot of weight. Slamming a man with this phrase is telling him that he has to bury his emotions and his feelings, to take life on the chin and to never show weakness. If he cries, he is weak; if he is kind, he's a wimp. This simple phrase has the ability to be crippling. Telling the young man this will give him extreme feelings of inadequacy. It insinuates that he's not man enough, he's not strong enough.
It doesn't matter what body type you fall under -- skinny, thick, tall or short, at some point I'm sure you have been self-absorbed with your body image. Stop being afraid to address it! Stop living in misery! Change what you can control and embrace what you cannot change. Whatever your gender, we are not safe from low self-esteem and poor body image caused by much of our society and our media.
If you suffer with health problems caused by any type of eating disorder, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help.
Coming soon in the series: How Body Image affects Males in BDSM.
Share this post - support us:
This week's Talk Tuesday topics are once again very diverse subjects. I think many of you will learn new things because I have not written about these topics before. This week's topics cover "Collaring", "Submissive having more Career Success than the Dominant", and "Dominants dealing with Chronically ill Subs".
Question #1) "I have a vanilla relationship. We discussed about bdsm a few years ago and figured out that this is nothing for us. But for me I ask myself sometimes, why am I so sick and have such feelings. I told nothing to my wife and fight against my feelings, tried to life my unfilled vanilla Life. I can't tell her about other women, especially to go to women and pay for them.
So far so good, that's my situation. Ok, one time I decided to pay for women instead of starting a new relationship for finding my inclinations. And then I met Lady V! She opens mind. She will come in two weeks back in town and I will meet her again. I think I have to talk to her very much about the first Time with her, my feelings and which way we will continue. And here is my most important question: How can I tell Lady V that I want to become her slave and that I want to find out more about feelings?"
The first point I have to make is that you are not having 'sick feelings' just because you enjoy being a submissive male to a female dominant. It's just a part of who you are. Never be sorry or feel ashamed of that. Now, as far as your vanilla wife, you have to determine yourself how much it will hurt her if your relationship with Lady V is discovered. I would honestly consider all ramifications if she ever found out before entering into a secret relationship. As far as becoming Lady V's submissive/slave, you would first need to make a formal request to her and ask if she would put you under consideration for the privilege of becoming her sub or slave in the future. Then the conversation will go from there between the two of you.
I suggest you read the following article to find out about Collaring:
bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/01/all-about-collars
Question #2) "My submissive is more successful than I am in her work career. She makes much more money and is in a very high profile position. When it comes to our relationship, I am completely in control and she is very submissive to me. Even so, I sometimes feel that she doesn't need me and am slightly jealous of her career success. How do I balance being her Dominant while curbing my jealousy about her career success?"
That is not an easy situation to be in. You have to remember that you both have the option to walk away at anytime and you both choose to stay in the relationship. If she cared about your wealth or career success, she would not have chosen to continue to stay with you as her Dominant. You obviously provide something that she can only find when she submits to you. I suggest you focus on your relationship and being the best dominant you can to her and not worry about career and money situations outside of that. If you are not happy in your own career choices, why not think about changing jobs or going back to school to gain the skills you need to apply for a higher paying job?
Question #3) "Have any of you had a huge fight with your Sir or Ma'am and just cant shake it?? Even after apologies were said? I have on going health problems, one being chronic pain. Sometimes, i have major anxiety attacks. Right now i'm in the grieving process i'm in anger. My Mistress said today ' I just don't know how to deal with you anymore'"
I have two trains of thoughts on this. First, is that your Mistress may not have meant that and was just frustrated at the time because of you having multiple ongoing health problems. It is really tough for some people to deal with and they do the best they can, but can never really understand what we go through (I deal with a rare form of Epilepsy so understand your situation somewhat). If you think this is the case, then you need to talk to her and tell her about your frustrations and how her words hurt. You might also make suggestions to her if there are things she can do when you are feeling bad to help you feel better.
My second thoughts are that she may not be a person that can handle someone with a chronic illness. Not all people can and you should not blame them if they can not. But, if that is the case, I strongly suggest you ask for release. If you continue down this path, you both will just become more and more frustrated over time and the end results are never good for either party. If you haven't sought help for your anxiety problems, I encourage you to try to find professional psychological help. Never be ashamed to ask for help in any situation.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and you learned something new. If you have your own question you would like us to answer, please send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
So far so good, that's my situation. Ok, one time I decided to pay for women instead of starting a new relationship for finding my inclinations. And then I met Lady V! She opens mind. She will come in two weeks back in town and I will meet her again. I think I have to talk to her very much about the first Time with her, my feelings and which way we will continue. And here is my most important question: How can I tell Lady V that I want to become her slave and that I want to find out more about feelings?"
The first point I have to make is that you are not having 'sick feelings' just because you enjoy being a submissive male to a female dominant. It's just a part of who you are. Never be sorry or feel ashamed of that. Now, as far as your vanilla wife, you have to determine yourself how much it will hurt her if your relationship with Lady V is discovered. I would honestly consider all ramifications if she ever found out before entering into a secret relationship. As far as becoming Lady V's submissive/slave, you would first need to make a formal request to her and ask if she would put you under consideration for the privilege of becoming her sub or slave in the future. Then the conversation will go from there between the two of you.
I suggest you read the following article to find out about Collaring:
bdsmunveiled.blogspot.com/2013/01/all-about-collars
Question #2) "My submissive is more successful than I am in her work career. She makes much more money and is in a very high profile position. When it comes to our relationship, I am completely in control and she is very submissive to me. Even so, I sometimes feel that she doesn't need me and am slightly jealous of her career success. How do I balance being her Dominant while curbing my jealousy about her career success?"
That is not an easy situation to be in. You have to remember that you both have the option to walk away at anytime and you both choose to stay in the relationship. If she cared about your wealth or career success, she would not have chosen to continue to stay with you as her Dominant. You obviously provide something that she can only find when she submits to you. I suggest you focus on your relationship and being the best dominant you can to her and not worry about career and money situations outside of that. If you are not happy in your own career choices, why not think about changing jobs or going back to school to gain the skills you need to apply for a higher paying job?
Question #3) "Have any of you had a huge fight with your Sir or Ma'am and just cant shake it?? Even after apologies were said? I have on going health problems, one being chronic pain. Sometimes, i have major anxiety attacks. Right now i'm in the grieving process i'm in anger. My Mistress said today ' I just don't know how to deal with you anymore'"
I have two trains of thoughts on this. First, is that your Mistress may not have meant that and was just frustrated at the time because of you having multiple ongoing health problems. It is really tough for some people to deal with and they do the best they can, but can never really understand what we go through (I deal with a rare form of Epilepsy so understand your situation somewhat). If you think this is the case, then you need to talk to her and tell her about your frustrations and how her words hurt. You might also make suggestions to her if there are things she can do when you are feeling bad to help you feel better.
My second thoughts are that she may not be a person that can handle someone with a chronic illness. Not all people can and you should not blame them if they can not. But, if that is the case, I strongly suggest you ask for release. If you continue down this path, you both will just become more and more frustrated over time and the end results are never good for either party. If you haven't sought help for your anxiety problems, I encourage you to try to find professional psychological help. Never be ashamed to ask for help in any situation.
I hope you enjoyed this week's Talk Tuesday topics and you learned something new. If you have your own question you would like us to answer, please send an email to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
Welcome to Talk Tuesday! This week we discuss "D/s boundaries", "Lifestyle Disclosure to family and friends", and "Religion and BDSM". Don't forget to leave your thoughts and comments below.
There are many types of BDSM (Dominant/submissive) relationships. Every one is different and the dynamics vary from couple to couple. Even though you are new, you have to understand that everything in the Lifestyle has to be consensual or it is abuse. Being new, I strongly urge you to read as much about submissives and the basics of BDSM so that you can have a better understanding how these relationships work in general. Before agreeing to anything, sit down with your dominant and talk about boundaries, rules, and limits. You and he should both agree on when and where your D/s relationship takes place, whether it's in the bedroom only or it evolves into a 24/7 situation. As for my Padrone (Master) and I, we definitely have a much stronger connection I think than most vanilla couples because of our M/s (Master/slave) dynamic. While we are a 24/7 M/s couple and observe these boundaries, we don't follow a strict protocol. We absolutely have a loving relationship and deep connection in and out of the bedroom. So, to answer your question, yes, you can still have that close connection and practice a BDSM lifestlye. However, you have to remember it all depends on what you and your partner agree to and also how close you two actually are and the type of relationship you and your partner feel from within.
Since you are new, I highly recommend you read the following sites to help you understand the BDSM Lifestyle further:
To understand what Limits are in the Lifestyle, you can download a copy of my free BDSM Limits Worksheet here:
This is a question many people struggle with. To tell or not to tell. That is the question! I have a couple of different thought paths for this. If you know your family is very religious and not open, then why tell them anything? If you are not in situations that really go outside the vanilla world when your family and friends are around, it is much easier to not bring it up. If you are in a relationship in which you and your partner are seen together by family and they notice that your dynamic is a little different than theirs, you can use different ways to explain it. Instead of trying to explain BDSM, you can tell them that your relationship is like that of a 1950s couple in which the man is the head of the house and the woman follows what he says. If they don't like that, then tell them it's your choice and they don't have to live with it.
If you want to explain the BDSM lifestyle that you live, you have to first think of how much you want to tell them. Do you want to explain the symbolism of a collar? Do you want to explain the whips and chains? I would suggest something almost vanilla. Without putting too much emphasis on the terms Dominant/submissive/Master/slave, explain that your relationship revolves around a mutual fulfillment of needs, complete trust, and respect. That your partner likes to take charge of (insert whatever parts of your life he is in charge) and that you like to follow his directions. Ensure your family that you are not brainwashed, nor are you coerced into this type of relationship. Explain to them the good feelings you get from a relationship such as this (protection, acceptance, love, gratification, freedom, etc). But most of all, show them and tell them how happy living this type of lifestyle makes you feel. I would suggest not referring to 50 Shades of Grey and also leaving out all references to sex and bondage. Those to me are very private and are none of your family's business.
Question #3) "What are your thoughts about being religious while practicing BDSM?"
Religion and BDSM both can be very controversial topics to talk about. When you put them together, it can get downright explosive. They are both a person's individual choice and belief. I think that each person that practices one or both has to come to terms themselves on how they deal with each subject. From what I have read over the years in many different religions, there is nothing that the practice of BDSM. I think you can believe in whatever religion and practice a BDSM lifestyle as long as you don't have conflicts within yourself of the two. What happens if you do come into internal conflict due to some practice of BDSM or because of the way you interpreted a passage in your religious book? This would be where you as a thinking adult with your own belief system has to sit down and figure out what you think is right. I suggest not allowing outside influences sway you to one side or the other when trying to resolve such conflicts. Basically, if you seek the advice of a religious leader or of another peer in the BDSM Lifestyle, think about what they say, but do not blindly follow their lead. If you do, you might not come up with the result that is best for you and your own beliefs.
I hope you enjoyed this week's questions and answers. If you have any additional thoughts or comments, please leave them below and keep the discussion going!
If you have any questions you would like my advice on, please send them to bdsmunveiled @ gmail.com.
Share this post - support us:
