If you read my last post on
Feeling like a Submissive Failure, you know that this past year has had a lot of ups and downs for me. I have struggled with mood swings, lack of interest, lack of motivation, and the inability to focus on one thing for long. The things I enjoy the most (writing and interacting with my followers) just fell to the wayside because I simply had no drive to pursue them.
Normally, I have a very even temperament and sunny personality no matter if I'm sick, suffering from the effects of my Epilepsy, or dealing with unpleasant people. Many times in the past few months, I really wondered to myself if I was having some kind of mental illness starting or if my body had been possessed by a ghost or some evil demon spirit. There were many times that I was aggressive to my Padrone and other times I was feeling down over something insignificant that he said. If you know me or have read my previous posts, you know I love and worship my Padrone. He is my world and being his slave is what makes me happy. I respect and obey him in all ways.
So, if I'm happy, in love with my Padrone, love being his slave and living a 24/7 M/s relationship, what could possibly possess me to ever get aggressive towards him or try to start a fight over something stupid? It would make a great story if I could say that a gremlin took over my body, but this is reality. What it really was is Menopause.
I know I'm only 41 years old. That is usually too young to have full blown menopause. Well, in my case it's not. At the age of 32, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. The doctor recommended a complete hysterectomy. At age 33, about a year after the surgery, my body transitioned into a premenopausal state. At first, the symptoms were so small and random that they didn't really bother me that much. Now in the past couple of years, I have been experiencing more hot flashes and needing much more sleep. Even though I experienced these symptoms, I never consciously thought about the reason behind them.
Thinking back over this past year and talking about it with Padrone, the mood swings and many other symptoms attributed to menopause really escalated as far back as May. I never thought about it because I was the one it was happening to and unless you make a very conscious effort to monitor all of your moods, actions, and words, you have no idea how they come across to other people.
How does menopause affect submission? It can affect it in many ways that a submissive female is not aware of. It made my moods erratic at times. It caused me to become stand-offish and have thoughts of directly disobeying Padrone. It made me wonder at times if I really was cut out to be a submissive or if I was just going through the motions. It made me doubt myself, my life choices, my thoughts, even my sanity at times. Without the loving guidance and extreme patience of Padrone, I honestly have no idea how I would have withstood the firestorm of emotions going on inside my own head this past year.
So, how and when did I come to realize that I was not crazy and that everything that I have been experiencing was attributed to menopause? A couple of days ago I started crying very intensely for no reason. Padrone was asleep and I curled up into his back, clinging for dear life. He woke up, turned over and asked me what the matter was. I was crying so strongly that I couldn't even talk. He just held me until I calmed down. When I was able to form coherent thoughts and words, I told him that I really didn't know why I was crying. He held me and after some moments told me he thought it was menopause.
I hadn't even thought about that. We quietly talked it over and discussed all my symptoms and things that had been happening to me over several months prior. He calmed me down and told me to research menopause symptoms, especially mood swings. I did as I was told. After reading the first article, it felt like a light bulb went on above my head. Once I read several articles, a huge weight seemed to lift off my shoulders and it was like I had a revelation! It turned out I had never been possessed by a gremlin nor was I losing my mind! All the crazy stuff I had been experiencing, feeling, and going through had a medical explanation. I had finally transferred into full blown menopause after suffering premenopause for almost 8 years.
Here are a list of commonly felt symptoms experienced by women in Pre menopause or Menopause:
- Breast tenderness
- Vaginal dryness
- Lower sex drive
- Mood swings
- Erratic thoughts or behavior
- Fatigue
- Aggressiveness
- Sleep deprivation
- Difficulty concentrating
- Lack of focus
- Lack of motivation
- Weight gain or loss
- Forgetfulness
- Depression
- Anxiety
Those are just some things that women can face during this period in their lives. There is hope and help to control or curb many of these symptoms. I urge you to do your own research and talk to a doctor before starting any new health regimens.
Can you still be a submissive if your are experiencing menopause? Of course! The very first thing you need is a very patient and understanding Dominant. The next thing you have to do is to become more aware of your moods, thoughts and actions, especially reactions. When you have thoughts that make you doubt your ability or desire to submit, stop and reflect on the joy, love, and honor you get from being submissive to your dominant.
Make sure to talk to your dominant about what's going on inside your head and with your body. Help him understand that these changes occurring will make your submission a little more difficult sometimes and that during these times is when you need a little more understanding and leniency. Ask him to read some of the research you found on premenopause and menopause to help him understand more.
Once you realize what's going on, you can find a way to combat the symptoms and help your moods stay on a more even wave length. I'm very fortunate to have a more experienced and extremely patient Padrone. With his help, I am feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. If you have a dominant, always remember that you are not alone in dealing with this condition. Lean on his shoulder as much as you need to. That's what I do and that in and of itself is priceless.
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In January, we all try to make plans and goals for the year.
We make lists of sometimes unreachable accomplishments. As the year progresses, the days, weeks and months steadily roll by. Life intervenes. It interrupts our perfectly planned list that we made back in January. All of a sudden, we look up and realize it's September! Where the heck did the year go? Were we sleeping through a large portion of it? You realize that most of the goals you set out to accomplish at the beginning of the year will never be completed. You feel like a failure.
We make lists of sometimes unreachable accomplishments. As the year progresses, the days, weeks and months steadily roll by. Life intervenes. It interrupts our perfectly planned list that we made back in January. All of a sudden, we look up and realize it's September! Where the heck did the year go? Were we sleeping through a large portion of it? You realize that most of the goals you set out to accomplish at the beginning of the year will never be completed. You feel like a failure.
That scenario above is basically what happened to me. In January, I was all gung-ho about cooking new and exciting recipes, posting daily on the many different social media sites I have, and writing blog posts at least once a week. I was working on a new book, answering fan questions, and interacting with a lot different people online. I cleaned house, took daily walks with my dog, did the shopping, and took care of my Padrone. I went to work with Padrone at least 4 nights a week to keep him company and worked from the hotel.
As the months passed, I started slowing down. My focus started shifting from all the work that I was doing to concentrating more on smaller tasks. I started reducing the amount of new recipes I cooked. I wasn't interacting as much online with my fans and friends. Around May, the number of social sites I posted on regularly reduced drastically in number because I simply did not have the drive to keep up with them. I was only being inspired to write about twice a month on my blog and had completely stopped working on the new book.
What had changed? I was still a slave, still lived BDSM 24/7 and still loved the lifestyle. My passion for the Lifestyle had not waned, just the drive that had made it almost my sole focus for 2 years. I was tired. I wanted to focus or concentrate on more diverse things, not just the driving force inside myself that always pushed me to work almost 16 hour days just to keep up with all the sites that I had built up on the internet. I didn't understand myself why I had changed. I felt like I was failing not only myself, but my fans and friends both. As a real life submissive slave, I felt like a huge failure. At times, I didn't feel worthy of the title 'submissive'.
In June, I got a second wind. I found an automation tool that posted pictures automatically for me on many of my sites around the internet. All I had to do is find and schedule the pictures. I restarted interacting with friends and fans more and was getting back into my groove that had left me flailing mid year. We started thinking of getting a second Chihuahua as a companion for our other dog (fur baby) Harper. The world seemed a little brighter and I started feeling like I was more in sync with my inner self than I had been for months.
In July, we bought new furniture and decided to paint the house. Padrone works at night and sleeps during the day, so the only time I could paint was during the night when he was at work. I got half way through painting when the bed arrived. While moving the mattress up three flights of stairs, I messed up my back severely! I was out of commission for over a week and a half. I literally could not move at all for about three days. I started feeling down again and out of sync. I felt more guilty because of my inability to do anything. I was helpless and the house was a complete wreck.
Padrone kept telling me that it was not my fault and that everything would be ok. He told me over and over again to not worry. He knew that if I stressed myself out too much that I would end up having a seizure, and with my back already messed up really bad, a seizure was the last thing I needed. I finally realized that it was not my fault that my back went out and that I was doing the best that I could.
Being so preoccupied in July with the renovations, my back problems and searching for a new dog, I was not focusing at all on any of my internet duties. I felt at times that I was even slipping in my real life submissive duties as well. This is where I have to explain a little about my Padrone's approach to Domination. He has a set of rules that I must always follow, but he does not give me daily tasks. He knows that I understand what is expected of me and that I will always go above and beyond his expectations when I can. He is very flexible and understanding when I'm not able, or don't want, to perform certain tasks (such as cooking, cleaning, working on the internet, etc.) because of health reasons. He knows that I am not lazy and will never not do something just because I don't feel like it. There is always a reason. Now, as I was saying, even though I could not physically do much of anything because of my back, I still felt like I was failing Him in my submissive duties.
Padrone made me understand after many conversations, and tears on my part, that I was still fulfilling my submissive duties. I was not a submissive failure. I was hurt and had to heal. My only task at that time was to rest and not push myself too hard until I was better and back on my feet. It was my duty to him to ensure that I was healthy and happy. In taking care of myself, not pushing myself, and being happy, I made him happy. And making him happy was, is, and always will be my main priority.
August comes around and everybody goes on vacation in Italy, including us. I finally finished redecorating the bedroom and was really focused on finding a companion for our other dog. I was still letting many sites slip by without posting much. I wasn't producing any new poems. I wasn't writing any new blog posts. I wasn't interacting with many people online again, and not answering fan mail often.
What was I doing? I was living life offline. But, I have a big online presence. Online activities was my job. I was responsible for keeping all of the content going. I was not focusing on my pages, blog or fans. I once again felt like I was not only letting all of my followers down, but my Padrone and myself. I was failing again! Padrone had to remind me once again that his number one rule for me was to do what I feel like doing and not push myself into doing something I don't want to. Again, he pulled me back from self flagellation and helped me get back on track.
On top of all this, I also deal with health issues on an almost daily basis. I have Epilepsy. It can manifest in many different ways, not just seizures, at any time. While it had been relatively quiet, other, very troubling symptoms cropped up and got worse as the year progressed. In the first days of September, I can say that I was poked, prodded, and tested more than I had been in years. If you suffer with a debilitating illness and are a sub/slave, you understand how much it can impact your life as well as your ability to do anything. While I have learned to not blame myself for my Epilepsy episodes, the new health problems were messing with my confidence again. Many times I felt unworthy and a failure. As always, Padrone made me see that's not true.
Now we are in the middle of September and life slowly has gotten back to normal and back on track. In August, we acquired a 4 month old female Chihuahua companion for our six year old Chihuahua/Pincher mix. I have gotten a handle on scheduling posts for the main social media sites I post on and I am writing this blog post now. Slowly, but surely, I am learning to manage everything once again, learning that even though my focus may change from one week to another, and that my priorities will change, that I am not a failure as a submissive.
I may not do every task that I set for myself every single day for different reasons. Some days I won't cook. Other days I won't post online. Some days I will do it all. No matter how the day ends up, whether I am sick or feeling good, whether I do tons of work or nothing at all, as long as I keep my focus on being happy and keeping my Padrone as happy as possible, I have not failed as a submissive.
Now, why did I write such a long post? Why would you care about what's been going on in my personal life? What is the point? The point is simple. Each one of you have busy lives. Your own priorities will change from day to day and you will definitely drop some task that you think makes you a failure. You might be too tired some days to perform some task or duty that your Dominant has assigned you. Your kids or other family members will want your attention and keep you from completing an assignment. Life is dynamic. It is always changing. Just because you can't be Super Submissive every day does not mean you are a failure. Take life one day at a time and try your best. That is all that your Dominant asks of you, and that is all you should expect of yourself.
Dominants, it's very important that you always ensure that your submissives understand that they are not failures if they can't perform tasks or assignments due to health issues. I know there are dominants that think they should never be flexible and that every infraction, missed task, etc needs punishment. If you are this type of dom, I urge you to never get involved with a submissive that has any health issues. Stay with only perfectly healthy subs. Why? Because if you are that rigid and your sub gets sick, I guarantee the sub will have long lasting confidence issues after suffering punishments given due to being unable to perform because of the illness.
Above all, remember that BDSM, D/s, or M/s can be practiced in an infinite numbers of ways. Submission should always make you happy and be something freely given. If you are constantly feeling down, like a failure, remember that is not true. You do your best everyday and that's all anyone can ever ask.
Being so preoccupied in July with the renovations, my back problems and searching for a new dog, I was not focusing at all on any of my internet duties. I felt at times that I was even slipping in my real life submissive duties as well. This is where I have to explain a little about my Padrone's approach to Domination. He has a set of rules that I must always follow, but he does not give me daily tasks. He knows that I understand what is expected of me and that I will always go above and beyond his expectations when I can. He is very flexible and understanding when I'm not able, or don't want, to perform certain tasks (such as cooking, cleaning, working on the internet, etc.) because of health reasons. He knows that I am not lazy and will never not do something just because I don't feel like it. There is always a reason. Now, as I was saying, even though I could not physically do much of anything because of my back, I still felt like I was failing Him in my submissive duties.
Padrone made me understand after many conversations, and tears on my part, that I was still fulfilling my submissive duties. I was not a submissive failure. I was hurt and had to heal. My only task at that time was to rest and not push myself too hard until I was better and back on my feet. It was my duty to him to ensure that I was healthy and happy. In taking care of myself, not pushing myself, and being happy, I made him happy. And making him happy was, is, and always will be my main priority.
August comes around and everybody goes on vacation in Italy, including us. I finally finished redecorating the bedroom and was really focused on finding a companion for our other dog. I was still letting many sites slip by without posting much. I wasn't producing any new poems. I wasn't writing any new blog posts. I wasn't interacting with many people online again, and not answering fan mail often.
What was I doing? I was living life offline. But, I have a big online presence. Online activities was my job. I was responsible for keeping all of the content going. I was not focusing on my pages, blog or fans. I once again felt like I was not only letting all of my followers down, but my Padrone and myself. I was failing again! Padrone had to remind me once again that his number one rule for me was to do what I feel like doing and not push myself into doing something I don't want to. Again, he pulled me back from self flagellation and helped me get back on track.
On top of all this, I also deal with health issues on an almost daily basis. I have Epilepsy. It can manifest in many different ways, not just seizures, at any time. While it had been relatively quiet, other, very troubling symptoms cropped up and got worse as the year progressed. In the first days of September, I can say that I was poked, prodded, and tested more than I had been in years. If you suffer with a debilitating illness and are a sub/slave, you understand how much it can impact your life as well as your ability to do anything. While I have learned to not blame myself for my Epilepsy episodes, the new health problems were messing with my confidence again. Many times I felt unworthy and a failure. As always, Padrone made me see that's not true.
Now we are in the middle of September and life slowly has gotten back to normal and back on track. In August, we acquired a 4 month old female Chihuahua companion for our six year old Chihuahua/Pincher mix. I have gotten a handle on scheduling posts for the main social media sites I post on and I am writing this blog post now. Slowly, but surely, I am learning to manage everything once again, learning that even though my focus may change from one week to another, and that my priorities will change, that I am not a failure as a submissive.
I may not do every task that I set for myself every single day for different reasons. Some days I won't cook. Other days I won't post online. Some days I will do it all. No matter how the day ends up, whether I am sick or feeling good, whether I do tons of work or nothing at all, as long as I keep my focus on being happy and keeping my Padrone as happy as possible, I have not failed as a submissive.
Now, why did I write such a long post? Why would you care about what's been going on in my personal life? What is the point? The point is simple. Each one of you have busy lives. Your own priorities will change from day to day and you will definitely drop some task that you think makes you a failure. You might be too tired some days to perform some task or duty that your Dominant has assigned you. Your kids or other family members will want your attention and keep you from completing an assignment. Life is dynamic. It is always changing. Just because you can't be Super Submissive every day does not mean you are a failure. Take life one day at a time and try your best. That is all that your Dominant asks of you, and that is all you should expect of yourself.
Dominants, it's very important that you always ensure that your submissives understand that they are not failures if they can't perform tasks or assignments due to health issues. I know there are dominants that think they should never be flexible and that every infraction, missed task, etc needs punishment. If you are this type of dom, I urge you to never get involved with a submissive that has any health issues. Stay with only perfectly healthy subs. Why? Because if you are that rigid and your sub gets sick, I guarantee the sub will have long lasting confidence issues after suffering punishments given due to being unable to perform because of the illness.
Above all, remember that BDSM, D/s, or M/s can be practiced in an infinite numbers of ways. Submission should always make you happy and be something freely given. If you are constantly feeling down, like a failure, remember that is not true. You do your best everyday and that's all anyone can ever ask.
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We all have had these types of people around us in our vanilla lives.
People that are always trying to show everyone around them that their lives are better because they have more expensive stuff, their house is bigger, or they are smarter because they have certain types of educational degrees.
Unfortunately, BDSM isn't any different. Over the years, I have seen both Dominants and submissives buy toys, clothes, and collars all in an attempt to show off. With the influx of people exploring the Lifestyle, this phenomenon has advanced at an epic rate. This is especially prevalent online. Think about your news feeds on the various social media sites you frequent. How much of it is filled with people showing something they bought, a status of what their Dom told them to do and how perfectly they followed it?
Now, here's where you're wondering to yourself, "what's the point of this post?" The point is simple. People do not like a show off, someone that is always trying to 'one up' everybody else. How many times have you been in a group and someone posted something that did nothing to contribute to the overall theme in the group? I have seen it way too much.
If, you are one of these types of people, please rethink the types of things you post. For one, many people in the BDSM community will not take you seriously. Second, most people don't like to be around or interact with show offs. And third, if you say you are a submissive, yet you continuously show off in the above mentioned manner, you are not a real submissive.
A true submissive is humble. They do not flaunt their accomplishments and material possessions continuously. A true submissive is confident enough in his/her self and has no need to virtually yell to the world 'Look At Me!'. A true submissive does not share every detail of their relationship or minute details of their daily tasks and brag how they excelled in completing them.
Just to clarify, I am not talking about sharing significant life events, like collarings or anniversaries, nor am I referring to people that post things every once in a while that they want to share because it's a special occasion. I am speaking to and about those that spam or bombard the news feeds constantly with how perfect they and their lives are.
I have been bombarded with too many 'look at me' and 'I'm the best submissive' posts in my news feeds, groups, and emails this week. I hope this post makes you all take a second look at your own behavior online and in real life. If you think this post is directed at you specifically, then you might just need to think about making changes and reevaluate your life.
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Well, today's the day!
It's the 3rd anniversary of the day Padrone flew to California to pack me up and bring me back to Italy to live with him as his 24/7 slave.To celebrate and mark the occasion, we got the same tattoo on our right arms. I know many people don't like or approve this kind of symbolic gesture, but it's a symbol of love and commitment to us.
We definitely have had some huge learning curves, as every relationship does, being from different countries and having a sixteen year age span between us. But, we both learned to compromise on some things and learned to live with others.
Along the way, life has taught us both many things. I know some of you are thinking that as an M/s couple, there should be no compromises on the Master's part. That is simply not true. If a couple are in love and they want to have a lasting relationship, compromise is one of the key ingredients needed.
Padrone has added new rules, changed some rules, and completely eliminated others. We have had the normal ups and downs, but every down has brought us that much closer. You see, during a disagreement, we take it as an opportunity to learn and compromise versus holding grudges.
Here are some basics that we have learned in the past three years as a couple and as a 24/7 M/s dynamic.
- Always be truthful, even if your partner might not like what you have to say.
- Voice your thoughts! Never keep your partner guessing as to what you're feeling.
- Never make your partner jealous on purpose. That is just childish.
- Always make time for snuggling. Yes, simple snuggling can make a huge difference in how you feel.
- Compromise! I can't stress this enough.
- Don't dwell on small petty things. This can break a relationship.
- Don't keep bringing up past experiences. You have a past. Everyone does. The trick is to start this relationship with a fresh slate.
- Always learn from each other.
- Never take your partner or their contributions to your relationship for granted. Make sure they always know how much you appreciate everything they do.
- Don't assume. For good or bad, assumptions can lead to trouble you don't need.
- Always trust in the rules and teachings of your Dominant.
- Don't make or cause drama where there is none.
There are many other things that I could list, but the above ones are a good base for anyone to follow. Above all, love, trust and always believe in your partner.
Padrone Marco and Michelle Fegatofi
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On a previous post entitled
All About Collars, I wrote about the different stages of collaring, collaring ceremonies, and what collars could possibly be made of. I neglected to add a few dos and don'ts, including safety tips.
I have been wearing the same collar for about three years. It's a stainless steel Gorean collar that closes with a hex screw. If you have been following my blog, you have read how I've lost and gained weight since moving to Italy. When I was smaller, my collar was looser and I got used to that feeling. As I gained a little weight back, it became increasingly uncomfortable to sleep in. Padrone ordered me another collar that was exactly the same, just in one inch larger. Now, you can't tell a difference when you see it, but it makes a huge difference in my everyday comfort, especially when I'm sleeping.
With that in mind, here is a list of collar do's and don'ts.
- Always make sure that whatever type of collar you wear is not tight. It should fit so you have no problem breathing, swallowing, and moving your head around and side to side.
- Ensure that you can get at least two fingers under your collar. If you can't, it is too small!
- If you sleep in a collar, make sure it's comfortable enough so there are no restrictions, but also that it can't catch on anything and hurt you.
- Never pull sharply on a leash or collar. This could cause neck muscle or spine damage.
- Never attach a collar to any type of suspension rig as a way of suspending a submissive. The submissive will choke and most likely be strangled.
- Always keep your collar clean. A dirty collar can lead to skin infections.
- If you develop a rash or sores, do not wear your collar until it has cleared up.
- Never wear a leather collar in the shower. It can ruin it and cause possible skin infections.
- If you want to wear a collar to a job, make sure the collar can pass for regular jewelry. The more conspicuous the collar, the more possibility it could cause questions and issues to come up.
- If your collar has spikes or some other type of sharp protrusion coming off of it, always be careful not to poke yourself with it. These types of collars should be used for looks and not play.
So, no matter what type of collar you choose or when and where you wear it, just make sure it's comfortable and you follow all safety protocols.
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In the world of BDSM, we think of ourselves as being a high tolerance community that keeps open minds without judging others.
I have found that to be true in most cases, with the exception to size. One thing that has stood out to me over the past couple of years is that size discrimination comes from both ends of the weight spectrum.
I have several pages on various social media sites. Over time, some of them started catering to different groups' wants. One page mostly portrayed thinner models in various BDSM situations. While the other page catered to larger women posing in different outfits and scenes. This is where it gets interesting.
On the page posting thinner pictures of women, I would get comments like "she needs a cheeseburger", "without curves, she should be a boy", and "real men like women with curves". After it happened more frequently, I have to say I was shocked! I always expected to get the occasional mean comment on my plus sized page, but never thought I would see so many on the "normal sized" page. I got to see first hand just how reverse size discrimination worked.
Now, on the plus sized page, it was just the opposite. We got comments such as "fat pig", "looks more like a hippo in a corset", "fat, ugly, porker" and some so vile I refuse to repeat them. I had expected this. I would delete and ban the offender. What I never expected was comments such as "she's not big enough to be a BBW" or "what makes her plus size". Apparently some people didn't think the women were large enough. I was stunned when this first happened. I always posted a variety of different sized and shaped plus size women.
If you guys have followed me for any length of time, you should know that I don't tolerate any form of discrimination (gender, race, size, sexual orientation, etc..). A few days ago, I got a comment once again on the plus sized page asking me what made her plus sized. I answered that she was a well known size 14 model, which in the USA means plus sized. Shortly after, I received a heated response asking me to detail what sizes I thought the descriptions 'plus size', 'BBW', and 'SSBBW' consist of. Of course I didn't answer. That did spark a great question that I posed to my followers on various sites on the internet. Some very interesting comments and discussions ensued after.
Many people said that women should not be labeled at all. Some stated what they thought constituted a BBW and SSBBW. Some thought plus size, BBW, and SSBBW are three different tiers for describing larger women. I got a couple of angry comments stating that simply asking the question was very offensive.
I have known my entire life that I can't please everyone. I never have and never will. Here are my thoughts on the entire situation.
- I believe people that have a wonderful personality and character are beautiful, no matter their outer shell.
- I believe that every woman, despite size/shape/color/age can be an awesome, loved, and desirable submissive with the right Dominant.
- I see nothing wrong or offensive with the terms plus size or BBW. To me, they are the same and can be used interchangeably to describe women that are on the larger side of what the general public deem as 'normal'.
- I also thoroughly believe that size discrimination and segregation is completely wrong, in any shape or form.
Therefore, after much discussion with my Padrone, I have decided to combine all of my pages into one that posts pictures of every size and shape, with absolutely no tolerance for negative comments. Why? Because I need to 'practice what I preach'.
The BDSM community is supposed to be a high tolerance, open minded community. If I continue to run separate pages for different groups, I see it as a form of segregation, separate but equal. That is not what we should be promoting. I know many people will not lime it. Many of the old followers won't follow the new pages. But, I accept this. I hope that with time, new people will follow me and help promote the spirit of a united community.
Thank you all for your continued support and I hope that my words have either helped sway your opinion, or at the very least, opened your mind to a different way of thinking.
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I have recently received many questions from new and unattached submissives asking for my thoughts on Submissive/Slave resumes.
I honestly haven't thought much about them because I have never used, or had use for, one myself. I do think they could be used as a handy tool for both the submissive and any potential Dominants they might come across.
So, what would a new submissive put on a resume? I know you might be thinking that since you have never been in a BDSM relationship, nor had any formal training, you really have nothing of value that would make sense to put on this type of document. That is where you are wrong. You have Life experience. You have your abilities, hobbies, and hard limits. Take this opportunity to really set yourself apart from other potential applicants. Use the document to give potential Dominants a real sense of who you are as a person, not just your abilities.
Here is a list of different sections that should be included on a submissive resume. (Note: I have written this for new submissives that have not had any training and have never been in any BDSM relationships. If you are an experienced submissive, you should add a Training section to the below resume. List any and all training you have had. List any rules and punishments you were subjected to. You also might want to add a list of all past BDSM relationships you were in.)
- Objective - What is your long term goal? What type of relationship are you looking for? (Training, part time sub, play partner, 24/7 situation)
- Summary - This is where you can tell a little about yourself. When you became aware of your submissive side. Any relationships you are currently in. How you came to find out about the Lifestyle. How long you have known about and been interested in exploring your submissive side. What type of training you have read about and want to try.
- Qualifications - If you are new, this is where you need to be creative. List all of your life accomplishments that you think would be beneficial to a potential Dominant. You can include things such as your domestic abilities (cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc), organizational abilities (party planner, etc), if you are able to drive, or any abilities to do domestic maintenance or repairs. But remember, BE HONEST! Do not put that you can cook a 5 course French meal if you burn water.
- Education - List any and all educational classes or vocational training you have had. (College, CPR, Diving Instructor, etc)
- Hobbies - What do you like to do in your spare time? What activities keep you occupied when you are not working? What interests do you have? Again, be creative but be honest. Do not put you love nature hikes if you hate nature.
- Reading - List different genres of books you like to read or types of web sites you like to browse. Examples would be erotica, BDSM educational, Dog training, flowers magazines, etc...
- Hard Limits - This might be a hard section for you to fill in if you are new and have never looked into a Limits worksheet. I would list at least three hard limits, even if you don't know what all of your's are. Some items on your list may be Polyamoury (No sharing with other people), No edge play (using knives, breath play, needles), or waterworks/scat play (People that enjoy pee and fecal play)
- Health - List any and all health problems that you may have. You can also list any healthy activities that you do here, such as running, working out, etc.
- Organizational Associations - List any organizations that you are a member of (BDSM or non BDSM related). Make sure to put any time constraints these organizations may put on you (meetings, etc)
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You feel anxious, depressed, and have uncontrollable crying spells. You feel lost, without direction and can't concentrate.
All you want to do is to stay in bed all day and not move. You think to yourself that you don't know why exactly you feel this way. You wonder to yourself if it's normal, if you are normal. You feel alone. The only thing you can think of through all of the misery you are feeling is your Dominant. What is causing this pain and confusion? Separation from your Dominant.
He/She may have just left for work, or you might be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Whatever the situation, for some reason you can't understand, you are feeling a lot of the bad feeling described above. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You are not weird or crazy. After speaking with many submissives and slaves that have described various situations, I am calling this Submissive Separation Anxiety.
Separation anxiety is most commonly recognized as a juvenile disorder in which children experience signs of anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver. In more recent times however, adults have become increasingly diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. Adult separation anxiety is much the same as the disorder as that faced by children.
However, the primary caregiver can be any major attachment figure in the adults life. Most often these attachment figures include spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and or friends. Some have described such feelings as almost like an addiction but to a person. An adult with separation anxiety disorder may feel extreme fear and distress when their romantic partner is out of sight.
Being the loved one of someone with Submissive Separation Anxiety can be just as exhausting as being the individual with the disorder. There is a constant demand on your attentions that cannot be calmed or satisfied and often times it will feel as though there is no escape. Even the shortest respite from the clinginess of a loved one with SSD will be interrupted by vies for your attention through text messages and phone calls. Unfortunately living with and loving someone with submissive separation anxiety can be so taxing that relationships soon begin to break down. Each person must be completely committed to the relationship in order for the relationship to survive.
What steps can you take to help improve the situation? First, always know your Dominant's schedule. If it changes frequently, ask your Dom to text you and let you know. Next, if you do not work outside the home, wear one of your Dom's shirts in order to feel closer to him. If you work outside the home, try wearing a piece of jewelry that belong's to him. The weight will help you refocus your mind when panic or depression sets in. Communicate with him off and on throughout the day at designated times. Keep a picture of him on your cell phone or computer so you can see him anytime he isn't there.
These are but a few ways to help combat the feelings. I know there are probably more, but I'm not an expert in this. And here is the trap of Submissive Separation Anxiety. The more you try to make the person like/love you, the more you push them away and the reason for this is simple: to this other person, there is no issue. You are fighting a war in your head that doesn't really exist. It's as simple as that, but it's a damn hard lesson to learn. The reason he doesn't care when you're not around every minute of every day is because it doesn't matter to him, not because he doesn't like you or love you or want to spend time with you, but because he does not share your fear that significant people might not return once they leave.
From his perspective, since he knows you will always come back, he is fine. Why shouldn't he be fine? He is secure in your relationship. He has no reason to believe your departure would or could mean anything other than you have something in your schedule, so he finds something to do on his own and is just as happy. When you return home it's as if nothing has even happened, because nothing has happened, separations and reunions are a natural, normal part of life.
People with Submissive Separation Anxiety have a reason to feel the way that they do. They have a reason to fear abandonment. Many adults with this disorder were once neglected, abused and abandoned kids. They were hurt or not protected by the people they trusted. The important thing to remember is that other people have not had the same experiences and thus do not feel the same way. Adults who have had healthy relationships (particularly in childhood with their parents) are not afraid of being left alone. Their fundamental beliefs about the world are different from those of people with separation anxiety. Accepting and understanding this is the first step at overcoming the disorder.
All you want to do is to stay in bed all day and not move. You think to yourself that you don't know why exactly you feel this way. You wonder to yourself if it's normal, if you are normal. You feel alone. The only thing you can think of through all of the misery you are feeling is your Dominant. What is causing this pain and confusion? Separation from your Dominant.
He/She may have just left for work, or you might be in a long distance relationship (LDR). Whatever the situation, for some reason you can't understand, you are feeling a lot of the bad feeling described above. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You are not weird or crazy. After speaking with many submissives and slaves that have described various situations, I am calling this Submissive Separation Anxiety.
Separation anxiety is most commonly recognized as a juvenile disorder in which children experience signs of anxiety when separated from their primary caregiver. In more recent times however, adults have become increasingly diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. Adult separation anxiety is much the same as the disorder as that faced by children.
However, the primary caregiver can be any major attachment figure in the adults life. Most often these attachment figures include spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, siblings and or friends. Some have described such feelings as almost like an addiction but to a person. An adult with separation anxiety disorder may feel extreme fear and distress when their romantic partner is out of sight.
Being the loved one of someone with Submissive Separation Anxiety can be just as exhausting as being the individual with the disorder. There is a constant demand on your attentions that cannot be calmed or satisfied and often times it will feel as though there is no escape. Even the shortest respite from the clinginess of a loved one with SSD will be interrupted by vies for your attention through text messages and phone calls. Unfortunately living with and loving someone with submissive separation anxiety can be so taxing that relationships soon begin to break down. Each person must be completely committed to the relationship in order for the relationship to survive.
What steps can you take to help improve the situation? First, always know your Dominant's schedule. If it changes frequently, ask your Dom to text you and let you know. Next, if you do not work outside the home, wear one of your Dom's shirts in order to feel closer to him. If you work outside the home, try wearing a piece of jewelry that belong's to him. The weight will help you refocus your mind when panic or depression sets in. Communicate with him off and on throughout the day at designated times. Keep a picture of him on your cell phone or computer so you can see him anytime he isn't there.
These are but a few ways to help combat the feelings. I know there are probably more, but I'm not an expert in this. And here is the trap of Submissive Separation Anxiety. The more you try to make the person like/love you, the more you push them away and the reason for this is simple: to this other person, there is no issue. You are fighting a war in your head that doesn't really exist. It's as simple as that, but it's a damn hard lesson to learn. The reason he doesn't care when you're not around every minute of every day is because it doesn't matter to him, not because he doesn't like you or love you or want to spend time with you, but because he does not share your fear that significant people might not return once they leave.
From his perspective, since he knows you will always come back, he is fine. Why shouldn't he be fine? He is secure in your relationship. He has no reason to believe your departure would or could mean anything other than you have something in your schedule, so he finds something to do on his own and is just as happy. When you return home it's as if nothing has even happened, because nothing has happened, separations and reunions are a natural, normal part of life.
People with Submissive Separation Anxiety have a reason to feel the way that they do. They have a reason to fear abandonment. Many adults with this disorder were once neglected, abused and abandoned kids. They were hurt or not protected by the people they trusted. The important thing to remember is that other people have not had the same experiences and thus do not feel the same way. Adults who have had healthy relationships (particularly in childhood with their parents) are not afraid of being left alone. Their fundamental beliefs about the world are different from those of people with separation anxiety. Accepting and understanding this is the first step at overcoming the disorder.
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