Michelle Fegatofi

You have all heard or participated in some sort of confessions.

Confessionals are wooden boxes that are used in the Catholic church to confess sins anonymously. It's a process where you are able to unburden your conscious of all the bad things you have done or thought about. It's supposed to help you clear the air and start fresh. Now, what does this have to do with BDSM you ask? I am proposing that you take this same concept and move it into our Lifestyle.

Why would you do that?

In all BDSM relationships, one of our base foundations is to have open, honest, two way communication between partners. But, over the years, I have met many people, both submissive and Dominant, that keep certain things to themselves because they are afraid to divulge something to their partner for various reasons.

It's a proven fact that the more issues and feelings you keep pent up, the more likely a person is to explode. People can only keep bad emotions bottled up inside for a certain amount of time until it starts to drain you. Introducing regularly scheduled BDSM Confessional sessions will help keep things (feelings, frustrations, disagreements) clear between a Dominant and submissive while promoting a closer, happier and healthier relationship.

How do you implement a Confessional session?

First, I suggest that you set a regular day and time for these sessions. Consistency will give you both a structure and routine that will put you more at ease and help to set the tone of the meetings so you can be completely honest when addressing the toughest of issues.

Sessions should always be face to face if possible. If you are a real life couple, make sure to conduct them in a neutral place so the submissive doesn't feel like they are on unequal terms and becomes uncomfortable in telling the Dominant everything that's bothering them. I understand that many relationships are strictly an online or long distance D/s relationship. In these circumstances, try to use a video chat like Skype, Google Chat, or Facebook Video to conduct these particular sessions. If that isn't possible, try to use a program with voice chat or call them on the phone. The reason this is so important is because many things can be, and many times are, misunderstood and taken out of their original context.

Now that we have the time and place taken care of, let's tackle the rules. In these sessions, the main rule that has to be observed is that both parties should speak freely without being afraid of reprisals once the sessions are over. Roles should be left at the door once you start the session. While you are there to clear the air, stay respectful and calm. Yelling doesn't get you anywhere. These sessions are not a reason to start fights.

Third, I suggest keeping a journal or written list of real issues that are bothering you. Make sure the list contains only issues that you feel are weighing heavily on your mind. Do not make it a complaint or 'bitching' session. That is NOT the goal of Confessionals. You should only address real issues like your Dom pushing your limits too much, using names you don't like, crossing your hard limits, the use of humiliation, punishments, etc.

Finally, don't hold back! If you go into a session but do not tell your partner everything that is bothering you, the issue can't be changed and the entire session was a waste of time. Make sure that you present all issues you feel need resolving and not just half truths. If you have to reopen an old issue because things for that particular situation hasn't changed enough, do so. But, make sure your reasons for rehashing the issue are legitimate.

If implemented correctly and kept up, Confessional sessions can be an extremely helpful tool. I hope that if you do implement Confessional sessions into your BDSM dynamic, you will both grow closer and happier.

If you have any questions or comments, let me hear from you below!

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Michelle Fegatofi

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Unveiled - The Secret Submissive Within by Michelle Fegatofi
(a BDSM Educational Book)

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Please leave a review once you have read it to let others know what your thought of the book!

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Michelle Fegatofi

Doubting oneself is natural.

We all have those days where we question everything. Am I smart enough? Am I too fat? Do my clothes look ok? Am I pretty? Do people like me? As a BDSM submissive, other questions on top of these can come in to play as well. Did I please my Dominant? Am I submissive enough? Am I worthy of being his? Is my body good enough?

 

While self doubt is natural and all humans do this sometimes, continuously doubting yourself and your abilities can be self destructive to yourself and to your relationship. Dominants want submissives that are proud of themselves and their positions. They don't want someone that is constantly doubting their abilities or their looks. If you are constantly thinking and worrying about these things, when do you have time to think about the wants and needs of your Dominant?

Constant or consistent self doubting will keep you timid and in a bad or depressed state. Your state of mind can affect the people around you, such as your Dominant, so you will most likely put him in a bad mood as well. Now when you see you made your Dominant unhappy, as a submissive, you will get even deeper into a depressive state because you will not have done what all submissives want to do: make your Dominant happy. Are you beginning to see the pattern?

Now I've helped you recognize a pattern, how can you break the cycle? There are many techniques and avenues that you can employ to become, or get back on track, to a more confident you. First, you have to believe in yourself. You have to. There are no shortcuts and no going around this. The first step, as with most everything in life, starts with you. I'm not going to say it is easy or that it won't be a bumpy road. But, once you learn to have confidence in yourself and your abilities, you will see the world open up for you.

What techniques can you use to start gaining confidence in your abilities? While you will find many different ways and advice on gaining confidence around the internet, here's a few simple tips to get you started:

1. Make a list of 10 things you do well. (cooking, cleaning, reading, languages, sewing, sex, etc...)
2. Make copies of that list and put them in places you will have no choice but to read them at different times through out the day. Don't just read them. Believe them.
3. Start an "I am Good" journal. Every night before you go to bed, write down at least one thing you did that day that made you proud. If you're having an extra bad day, write you are good because you woke up and got out of bed. Writing down things helps keep a record of our lives and progress and will help you to see your strengths.
4. Believe the people closest to you when they tell you things. (Ex. When your Dominant praises you for tasks well done. They usually don't say things they don't mean.)
5. Always continue to grow. Even in BDSM, there is always something more to learn. As a submissive, you should find and read different websites, books, etc. to grow your knowledge. There are an endless amount of diverse ways to practice D/s.

What different kinds of techniques can you use to help yourself improve your body image? I have written a couple of other posts on this topic, but here's a recap:

1. Look in yourself in a mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are beautiful!
2. Dress in clothes that accentuate your body, not shapeless sacks that are meant to hide everything! Flaunt your curves!
3. Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
4. Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
5. Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape.
6. Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
7. Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
8. Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
9. Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel.  Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
10. Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you–as a whole person.
11. Avoid fashion magazines that endorse emaciated women as the norm or average.
12. Throw the scale away!!!!!!!

Hopefully with the above tips, you will start building a new and improved you, one without self doubt! Remember that we only get this go around in life, so decide if you want to live happily and the best life you can as a confident person, or one that is missing out on the simple beauty of being alive because you are eaten up by so much self doubt.

It's your choice. It's your life. Don't waste it.

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Michelle Fegatofi

ALLOW THIS SLAVE...
by Michelle Fegatofi

the Patience to serve His every need
the Grace to make Him proud

the Strength to submit myself completely
the Wisdom to learn from His guidance

the Character to accept all punishments
the Serenity to please Him above all else

the Security to open my inner soul to Him
the Capacity to love Him unconditionally

the Happiness to be His.

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Michelle Fegatofi

A Master decrees and a slave obeys. We have all heard this saying in the BDSM community. It is one of the foundations of our lifestyle. But what exactly does it mean? What does it entail?

The perception among many newcomers to the Lifestyle, along with vanilla people, is that submissives/slaves are mindless people that have to do whatever the Dominant/Master says. They do not know or understand that only after mutual trust, respect, and limits are in place and understood, can that type of relationship begin to truly form.

In stricter M/s relationships, after a contract is signed, which normally includes limits and safe words, will a person become a slave and be trained to immediately obey whatever the Master says. In this type of environment or relationship, the slave is expected to obey every task/order without hesitating or questioning the motives behind the order. To clarify, questions are allowed in all BDSM relationships, but once the trust is built, this type of connection is much less tolerant of continuous questions. This kind of BDSM relationship is normally based in a training environment. The slave usually has little or no personal time at all. Their sole purpose is to learn how to serve a Dominant in body, mind and spirit.

In M/s relationships based on feelings, some of the above things still hold true. A slave will still be trained to please the Master and expected to obey without hesitating in most instances. If the slave does ask a question, she most likely won't punished. The Master will be less strict in some areas such as giving the slave personal time and allowing the slave more times to talk in an informal setting with him\her instead of being strictly based on high protocol all of the time. They still have rules in place that are expected to be followed as well as punishments when needed.

In still yet another type of M\s relationship, the Master is known as a Daddy Dom. This type of connection is normally a very informal and loose type of relationship. While they still have rules they want followed, they are far less rules and punishments are rarely given out unless something very wrong was done. The Dominants are usually love spoiling their slaves and the slaves are deeply devoted to making their Daddy Dom as happy as they can.

So, as you can see, the saying "A Master decrees. A slave obeys" is correct but there are many diverse ways it can be practiced and interpreted. If you are just starting to explore the Lifestyle, don't get locked into one way of thinking. Keep an open mind and remember that all relationships are different and they will change over time.

What do you think about it? Comment and share this article on your social media accounts or email it to a friend! 

A Master Decrees. A slave obeys.

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Michelle Fegatofi

I imagine that many of you have made New Year's resolutions about time, family and losing weight. But, what about your BDSM life? Are you where you want to be? Do you want to grow more? Do you have a partner already or are you looking for one? How much have you learned over this past year?

Here is a list of things I think should be worked on continuously, throughout the year. If you are new or just starting out, it would be a great idea to review them yourself and with your partner so you can use them as a guide and add your own items and ideas that fit your lifestyle.

1. Renew your commitment to keeping up your knowledge and skills in your chosen practice of BDSM.
2. Renew your commitment to your Dominant or submissive.
3. Meditate daily to help keep yourself focused.
4. Renew your commitment to keep an open mind.
5. Find new paths to explore.

 

1. Make a list of books and websites that continuously update their information with fresh articles.
2. Look at the existing rules to see if any additions or changes need to be made.
3. Reevaluate your relationship with your Dom/sub to ensure that both of you are getting what you need and expected out of the relationship.
4. Take the values, rules, and lifestyle of BDSM and shape them to your own needs/likes/wants.
5. Remember there is no fast and steady rule of right and wrong as long as everyone is happy in the relationship. If you believe there is, then you really need to re-evaluate your decision to practice BDSM.

My Padrone and I both wish all of you health, peace, happiness and love for this year and remember my email is always open if you ever have a question or comment.

Best Wishes and Happy New Year!

Marco and Michelle Fegatofi

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Michelle Fegatofi

What do we do when we know we are submissive, yet we sometimes feel rebellious inside? From one side, you think to yourself that this feeling isn't normal. As a submissive, you should feel happy to serve and perform any task or command your Dominant gives you. Right? Wrong.

First, you have to realize that even if you identify yourself as a slave, you are still a human being first. You still have the feelings, morals, likes and dislikes you had before you agreed to submit to someone. Just because you agreed to submit does not mean you became a mindless puppet of that Dominant. Most Dominants want a person with a mind of their own that chooses to submit to them of their own free will. They don't want a doormat. When you choose to submit, hopefully you did so with the knowledge of what would be expected of you. If you are brand new, your potential Dominant should set down with you and explain what he is looking for and made sure that both of your outlooks, wants and needs would be met if you decided to pursue a BDSM relationship.

Second, it's completely normal to feel reluctant sometimes to perform tasks you know are required of you. One day you might wake up in a bad mood and are grumpy all day. The key to those kind of days is to focus on how happy it makes you feel to make your Dominant proud and to see his smile. There will be things you dread doing, like certain types of house work or running daily errands. But, as a submissive/slave, it's your duty to make sure those things are done. Now realize, I'm talking about performing routine tasks while you are in good health. Not performing or completing tasks when you are not well, is something different. Your Dominant should be lenient and understanding if you are too sick or have some real reason for not performing as you normally do. But remember, don't claim sickness just because you want to be lazy. That would be very deceitful and Dominants don't want lazy slaves.

What do you do if there is a task that you regularly perform and do not like or have good reasons to be uncomfortable with? Ask your dominant for time to sit down with him and to speak freely. Make sure you have good reasons and have formulated a credible argument for changing or not continuing that task. You must remain respectful and don't get defensive or whiney while speaking to him. If you come across as whiney or just being a brat, your Dominant most likely will not make any changes.

If you work outside the home and have trouble switching back to a submissive mentality when you get back home, there are steps you can try to help make that transition. If you drive or travel alone, tame that time to recite a mantra, play relaxing music or develop a routine to help make the transition from working woman to submissive. Another way is to take 15 minutes out for yourself as soon as you get home. Don't greet or speak with anyone. Go directly to your room, change clothes, put on your collar, and meditate. This will help you relax from a hard day's work while putting you in a submissive mood.

Now it's time to move in a different direction. What does it mean if you constantly feel unrest and reluctance to perform even the most basic of your normal submissive tasks? The first thing you should ask yourself is if you really have the desire and need to be a submissive. The second question to ask yourself is if you trust your dominant and want to continue to submit to him? If you answer yes to both of these questions, then you have to do some very deep soul searching and ask what is making you reluctant to submit to him? What's changed?

If you answered No to either question, you should talk to your dominant about scaling back the D/s part of your relationship until you, or both of you, can figure out if a D/s relationship is right for you and if it's wise to continue down that path.

So remember, feeling rebellious or reluctant sometimes, while in a submissive mood, is normal. But if you feel that way often, I urge you to reevaluate your situation and submission.

If you have any thoughts, comments, or ideas that you think might help others, please leave them below!

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Michelle Fegatofi

This past year of blogging has brought many changes to not only my own self, but to our online community as well.

Through contact with literally thousands of people, I have guided, counseled, laughed, cried and helped in many different situations. I have seen some good changes, some bad changes, and a huge movement around the world by moralistic people to get our community confined to sites that either specialize in BDSM or porn.

The Readers

I think I have some of the most supportive readers out there. I have had many chats, discussions, and even debates about different views and ways to practice the Lifestyle. I have learned new techniques, new buzz words in the community, broadened my own view on some of the harsher sides of BDSM that I rarely talk about or practice, and many other things too numerous to get into further.

My fan base has become a mixture of men and women from all walks of life that have many different levels of experience. I love the new people that trust in my writings enough to email me a private question they are to scared to ask out in the open.

Some of the best feelings that I have gotten are from the wonderful feedback and updates from you guys after I have helped or advised you on a problem. I have had some that are so touching and grateful for my help that I literally could not hold back the tears of happiness.

The Separatists

This past year, I have seen some really bad changes within our online communities. It seems that there are groups of people that think it's better to divide the community into what they think of as the "true pages" and the "fakes". I have seen this on many different social sites, but FB is the worst. These types of groups are hunting down pages that either refuse to join in their separatist philosophy or that they just do not like.

I myself have been a victim of these groups and have refused to get involved and even acknowledge their existence for the most part as it just adds fuel to their fire, so to speak. They have tried many different attack approaches such as spreading rumors about me that are untrue and telling all of their new readers that I am a fake. If being in and around the lifestyle for over 21 years, being trained as a Gorean kajira for two years, and living in a 24/7 M/s relationship since August of 2011 makes me a fake, well I guess I need to revamp my kinkionary.

I have always said and will continue to say that we are better off together than separate, especially now that the moralists are after the large online companies to extremely restrict our activities and presence on the internet.

I hope that one day these separatist cliques will decide to rejoin the mainstream BDSM community so that we can show the world that we are united.

The Moralistic Movement

In May of this year, an online Twitter movement was started by right wing activists to get adult content removed from most social media sites like Facebook and Google. They first only said they wanted derogatory and rape images removed and banned from being posted on the sites. But soon, they moved into pictures that are a normal site to those of us that practice a BDSM lifestyle such as a woman getting spanked or in bondage.

In late May, the first wave of page removals started hitting FB. Along with many that were hit in that first round, one of my original pages was taken down. Since then, FB, Yahoo, Google, Twitter, Pinterest and many others have bowed to the pressure these moralistic people have put on them and changed their policies. They are getting so ridiculous in their pursuit that people's accounts are being shut down because someone reported them and stated that they were offended or didn't like something that the person said or posted.

While I agree that images portraying abused women and children should be very much policed and not allowed to be shown, I think there needs to be exceptions for women portrayed in bondage and other BDSM settings since these activities are consensual within our community.

In the Future

I have hope that we will unite together as a community and try to make our presence in the online communities more concrete. There will always be those that condemn us for our beliefs and practice, but at least we can try to present the real and beautiful picture that makes up our lifestyle.

I also hope that those groups that are dividing the online community will stop attacking others that do not subscribe to their way of thinking, being, or doing and try to either mend fences or just let everything coexist in harmony. It's sad when someone that supposedly practices an alternative lifestyle that teaches tolerance can be so intolerant.

Lastly, I hope to continue to bring all of you great info, a different perspective, and hopefully more knowledge about various subjects that is BDSM.

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Michelle Fegatofi

Hello kinksters! It's been brought to my attention that there are certain people that have bigger BDSM pages on FB trying to spread rumors, saying untrue things about many page owners and basically declaring that many pages are fakes.

Our thoughts on this are that there will always be people who love starting drama and strife while claiming to be an innocent victim.

We don't need, want, nor participate in this type of activity because it's childish. We need to stick together as a community as there are already many forces at corporate levels trying to sensor us in many places around the internet.

Yes, there are people that I don't like but I choose to ignore they even exist in the world as it makes it a better place in my opinion.

So, if you hear things about me and you want the truth, simply ask. I'm here to educate and help guide people into the lifestyle. That's been my goal and mission since day one.

I hope you stay and continue to grow with us here but if you feel the need to leave, we will understand.

Thanks for listening.

Michelle Fegatofi 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Wikipedia describes Mental BDSM as the collection of activities intended to create a psychological impact, often without a physical component. Another noteworthy but controversial example is the 'mind fuck', wherein a state of confusion and/or psychological conflict is intentionally created. While mental 'players' have considerably less documented material to study, an active Internet community and classes offered through local groups and conventions, provide many learning opportunities.

Mental submission is the act of submitting in your mind to the will of another. It is a decision made of a person's own free will after they have met someone they completely trust, they can communicate openly with, and have the need and desire to submit to. They only make this decision after careful consideration and after time has passed.

Mental submission might come in many forms and for different reasons. Some people meet online and connect deeply but live in different places so can't be together physically. Others may have physical limitations that don't allow them to kneel, perform scenes, or practice the more physical acts often associated with BDSM. In these cases, mental submission may be the only option for them to experience a BDSM Lifestyle.

Now, some of you may argue that it's not 'real BDSM' if that physical part is not there. I don't agree. Scientific studies have shown that sex is 90% mental with 10% physical stimulation. Let's look at a different example: Age. When we get older, our bodies are not able to function at 60 the same way they did at 40 or 20. There are more limitations that we have to endure and work around, even if in our own minds we think we can still do whatever we did the past 40 years. It's just not physically possible. If you read my past posts on BDSM and aging, you will understand my reasons better. People over 60 still want and do have sex. They just do it less often than a horny 20 year old. They connect on a much deeper level than that of younger generations. Mentally, they are perfectly able to submit to someone that is Dominant. Does that mean someone that's older can't still practice BDSM? No.

Mental submission has always been around but not as prevalent as it is now. With the invention of the internet, smart phones, and video chats, technology has enabled more people to explore the world of BDSM. The internet gives those that are shy, scared or just curious, the ability to seek out knowledge and have talks with real life practicing subs, about the Lifestyle.

I have written many different articles about online BDSM and various aspects of it. This is always a hot topic and new points of views are always emerging from it. If you are one of those that carry the attitude that a 'real BDSM relationship' can only be carried out if the people see each other in real life, I hope this article gives you a new way of viewing BDSM in this new world. 

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Michelle Fegatofi

Since Thanksgiving is just around the corner in America, I thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on the things that I am grateful for and hopefully, it will help you too also find things in your life to be grateful for as well.

In General: 

• Being Alive - I am grateful for everyday that I wake up. It means that I have another chance to experience life, change things if I want to, or start anew.

• My Health - Even with the chronic health issues I face, I am very grateful for the relative good health I have. 
• Friends - Lots of people say that you can't make real friends online. I think many of us have proved them wrong many times over. I am very grateful for the close true friends I have made over the years and that have stuck with me through all of the trials and tribulations. 
• Family - I'm grateful for having Padrone. He is always encouraging me, protecting me, loving me, and guiding me. He loves me unconditionally. I'm grateful for my two beautiful boys that I always carry with me in my heart. I am also grateful for my parents. Though they may not agree with my decisions, they still are there for me.

BDSM Related:

• Padrone - I'm grateful for the love, care, guidance, discipline, protection, strength and structure he gives me. I'm grateful for him allowing me to be myself and express myself and my submission in the ways I do. I'm grateful that we found each other and for every single day I have with him.

• Community - I'm thankful everyday for all of the people that send me emails and comments letting me know my articles or advice made a little difference in their lives. My passion is to help as many people as I can by sharing my knowledge and experiences with them. 

• Submission Itself - being submissive and being able to submit completely has given me a freedom in my soul unlike anything else ever could. It has made me stronger as a person, but also humble. It has helped me grow and learn as well as to become very adaptive. It has taught me much about myself and the world around me.

• Readers/Followers/Fans - And last but not least, I am grateful to all of you, my readers, followers, and fans. You are the reason I started blogging in the first place. I love helping you whenever I can and knowing that you gained additional knowledge in your own path into the BDSM Lifestyle makes me happier than I can express in words. 

Thank you all for your continued support and I hope to keep writing things that encourage you explore our world even deeper. 

I encourage you to make your own list of things to be grateful, whether it's BDSM related or things in General. You might be surprised at what you come up with. 

- Michelle Fegatofi

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