Many Dominants ask their submissives to write a journal describing their feelings, their growth and their wants and needs, along with their frustrations concerning their submission.
I myself, don't keep a journal because whenever I have any feelings, good, bad, or ugly, I talk to my Padrone about them. I have seen many subs do keep journals, so decided to do a post about it, mainly for newbies, explaining why. Hope this helps you decide if you will keep one or not.
While talking face to face may be the best way to communicate, sometimes this just isn’t possible. A submissive can be a novice, shy, embarrassed, or intimidated. With the age of the internet, distance can also be a roadblock in good communication. Dominants have to use tools to help the submissive communicate and grow.
As well as a tool for gaining insight, submissive journals can help teach you to open up and bring you both closer. By having to expose your thoughts and feelings to your Dominant - and having to trust Him with those thoughts and feelings - it can be a very powerful way of strengthening your connection. A journal should not replace the open communication between submissive and dominant. It should be used as a tool to build trust and skills in voicing the feelings a submissive has written about.
Why would you choose to journal? As a submissive you can write everything you feel and do it without being afraid of reprisal. It is an avenue that allows you to just say whatever you want, even mundane things. It can help you organize your own thoughts into a more comprehensive way or give you that different perspective on some situation that you need. If you are too deep into a situation, you usually think with emotions instead of logic. So, perhaps you will use your journal to analyze that particular situation more.
You can use it as a history lesson of sorts; while you journal your thoughts, experiences, and changing attitudes towards certain things. You might write about new likes or write about things you found you don't like as much as you thought you would, once you tried it.
Remember that your journal is always open for your Dominant/Master to read. don't censor what you write in it because of this fact. Think of it as a better and easier way for your Dominant to get inside your head and understand you better as a person and submissive.
If you are the Dominant, make sure that you do not let anything your submissive writes in the journal anger you. If you see that your sub called you bad names in it, you just have to ask them why so you can help your sub get on the same page and path as you are and understand better whatever situation made them so angry.
So, to write or not to write? It is a personal choice and totally up to the individual. I write many blog posts on things I come across in my daily life so I guess, in a way, this blog is like a journal and learning tool for others as well.
I myself, don't keep a journal because whenever I have any feelings, good, bad, or ugly, I talk to my Padrone about them. I have seen many subs do keep journals, so decided to do a post about it, mainly for newbies, explaining why. Hope this helps you decide if you will keep one or not.
While talking face to face may be the best way to communicate, sometimes this just isn’t possible. A submissive can be a novice, shy, embarrassed, or intimidated. With the age of the internet, distance can also be a roadblock in good communication. Dominants have to use tools to help the submissive communicate and grow.
As well as a tool for gaining insight, submissive journals can help teach you to open up and bring you both closer. By having to expose your thoughts and feelings to your Dominant - and having to trust Him with those thoughts and feelings - it can be a very powerful way of strengthening your connection. A journal should not replace the open communication between submissive and dominant. It should be used as a tool to build trust and skills in voicing the feelings a submissive has written about.
Why would you choose to journal? As a submissive you can write everything you feel and do it without being afraid of reprisal. It is an avenue that allows you to just say whatever you want, even mundane things. It can help you organize your own thoughts into a more comprehensive way or give you that different perspective on some situation that you need. If you are too deep into a situation, you usually think with emotions instead of logic. So, perhaps you will use your journal to analyze that particular situation more.
You can use it as a history lesson of sorts; while you journal your thoughts, experiences, and changing attitudes towards certain things. You might write about new likes or write about things you found you don't like as much as you thought you would, once you tried it.
Remember that your journal is always open for your Dominant/Master to read. don't censor what you write in it because of this fact. Think of it as a better and easier way for your Dominant to get inside your head and understand you better as a person and submissive.
If you are the Dominant, make sure that you do not let anything your submissive writes in the journal anger you. If you see that your sub called you bad names in it, you just have to ask them why so you can help your sub get on the same page and path as you are and understand better whatever situation made them so angry.
So, to write or not to write? It is a personal choice and totally up to the individual. I write many blog posts on things I come across in my daily life so I guess, in a way, this blog is like a journal and learning tool for others as well.
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The only thing that can truly bind
a submissive heart tight,
Is the guiding hand of a Dominant
from the darkness into the light.
It's not ropes or chains that truly bind,
It's the honor of service from deep within.
It's not a collar or title that make me stay,
It's the need I have, to serve Him.
To be a sub or a slave is an internal call,
If you don't feel that need, you will surely fall.
Bound flesh, can be forced to do their will
But your mind can never be forced to kneel.
You see, true submission is in your heart,
It is something you feel from the start.
A need to serve, to please and to bend,
Never wanting the feeling of submitting to end.
You soul is caught and you don't even fight,
Because being bound like this, you know is right.
a submissive heart tight,
Is the guiding hand of a Dominant
from the darkness into the light.
It's not ropes or chains that truly bind,
It's the honor of service from deep within.
It's not a collar or title that make me stay,
It's the need I have, to serve Him.
To be a sub or a slave is an internal call,
If you don't feel that need, you will surely fall.
Bound flesh, can be forced to do their will
But your mind can never be forced to kneel.
You see, true submission is in your heart,
It is something you feel from the start.
A need to serve, to please and to bend,
Never wanting the feeling of submitting to end.
You soul is caught and you don't even fight,
Because being bound like this, you know is right.
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While looking at many different BDSM submissive/slave profiles on various internet sites, the one thing that stood out over and over was the amount of people that refer to themselves as worthless.
I read deeper into them to try to see if there was more to it than just the normal self derision that most people think about themselves. But, shockingly, I found that a lot of people (men and women both) honestly think they are worthless and not worthy of being the dirt on the bottom of a shoe.
So, I pose this question to you, the ones that have this word WORTHLESS on your profiles and actually think this way, if you think you are so worthless, how do you even propose to say you are a BDSM submissive or slave? You see, in the world that I have inhabited for over 20 years off and on, no sub that meant anything to anyone, saw themselves as worthless. How can you expect to be the property of and make your Dominant proud, if you actually think you are worthless? You can't.
Yes, I know that many masochists are into humiliation, but this is a different mentality. I am not talking about being called the normal names that the harshist Sadists use on their subs. I mean the subs that actually see themselves as not worthy of being a sub or slave.
In the normal, vanilla world, worthless is a word that is widely used by bullies and abusers to mentally break down and torment their victim. I think many people that were abused in their early lives have brought that baggage into BDSM relationships and can't figure out why they keep getting uncollared or not ever being considered for a collar in the first place. That's because the majority of Dominants do not want a submissive that has that mental attitude.
Submission is a gift that when nurtured properly, can turn into the most wonderful and best lifestyle you can imagine. Learning your Dominant's likes and dislikes, rules and guidelines, protocols and rituals, all combine to make for a very interesting and wonderful journey, not only in becoming a better submissive, but also in learning the deeper inner part of yourself.
So, look at your profiles on the internet and if you do have the word WORTHLESS in it, please consider the actual meaning behind that word and think really hard if you want to portray that type of persona.
BDSM, Dominance/submission, S&M are all variables in this wonderful lifestyle we all are either learning about or actually living. There is no closer relationship that I know of than that of a Dominant and his/her submissive.
And that relationship is priceless...
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Just as the internet culture has opened up great new ways to communicate - it has also provided a whole new way for psychopaths to con and manipulate people.
Predators do exist and are a very real threat. They target both men and women of all ages and use the anonymity of the Internet to their advantage since they can be whomever they want. They look for people that are emotionally vulnerable and start to connect and manipulate them by relating to personal issues derived from problems that either occurred in the past or are currently happening. Just because we are geared towards BDSM as a community, does not mean that we are safe. We rely on honesty when dealing with our partners, but if you are just getting to know someone, do you really know that person?
Did you know that statistically speaking, 87% of profiles that contain adult content are fake? Do you really know if that person is real or not? Is the person on the other end you are telling so much real information about yourself a psycho?
I get many emails and have heard many stories mostly about subs (mostly women) that are so in love with their on-line cyber Doms, that they decide to sell everything, quit their jobs and pack up and move to where the Dom lives. But, do you really know that Dom? Why are you doing all the comprise and life changes? Is the Dom willing to come and move you? Do you have a back up plan? These are the things to think about if you are seriously thinking of making this type of move.
Before I continue, I have to say that I met my Padrone online and moved to Italy to be with him. But, he came to the USA, packed me up, paid for everything and we have been living together very happily for 1 1/2 years. There are many other tales of people that have met online and are either happily living together or married now. You have to understand though, that these are rare exceptions to the rule. I got very lucky that I met the person that completes me so well online. Most people aren't as lucky and pay a high price for not being more cautious.
Here are some tips to watch out for that can be a sure sign of an online predator:
Choosing a Victim
They study people thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to their charms. The right victims are those that usually have a need or a void to fill, those who see something exotic in the Predator. The victim is often isolated or at least somewhat unhappy (perhaps because of recent adverse circumstances). The perfect victim has some natural quality that will attract the Predator. The strong emotions this quality inspires will make their seductive maneuvers seem more natural and dynamic. The perfect victim allows for the perfect chase.
They will Create a False Sense of Security
At first, they will just engage you in polite conversation. The seduction will begin in an indirect manner, so that you gradually start to connect with the Predator on a more personal and deep level. They will gradually move from a relatively neutral relationship to lover. They will start telling you things about their past and life that are all false, but make you relate to them on a more personal level. That is what creates the false sense of security.
They will Engage Your Friends to Use Against You
Few of us are drawn to a person that others seem to avoid. People gather around those who have already attracted interest. We want what other people want. To draw you closer and make you hungry to be possessed by them, the Predator creates an aura of desirability-of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of attention. They will then 'pick' you out of the crowd of admirers. This manufactures the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex-friends, former lovers, present suitors, but also makes you feel extremely special because out of all the people, they chose you. The Predator may also create triangles to stimulate rivalry and make you crave them even more.
They will Cause You to Confuse Desire and Reality: The Perfect Illusion To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of their time daydreaming, imagining a future full of adventure, success, and romance. If the Predator can create the illusion that you can live out your dreams with them, they will have you at their mercy. They will start slowly, gaining trust, and gradually constructing the fantasy that matches your deepest desires. They will aim at secret wishes that have been repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding your powers of reason. The perfect illusion is one that does not depart too much from reality, but has a touch of the unreal to it, like a waking dream. They will then easily lead you to a point of confusion in which you can no longer tell the difference between illusion and reality.
This is the point that they close the net and separate you from your real life friends and family. This is the time when you will likely make a major life altering decision to move to a different state or even country, just to be with them, to live the fantasy life they have created around you. This is where you really need to step back before you make any moves and evaluate the situation in its entirety.
Are you being honest with yourself about your real desires or are they just fantasies you really do not wish to live in reality? Are you willing to sacrifice everyone and everything to make a move to be with that person? Is the Predator asking you to sever ties with everyone and only focus on them?
I have talked to many that were pulled into online illusions by what I term as Master Players. They were manipulated to the point that they either did sell everything and pack up and get ready to move, only to have something happen in the 11th hour that caused all plans to come to a stop, or they were seriously ready to start the process of trying to make that major move and something came up to bring the victim back to reality.
You have to be cautious. You have to be aware. Yes, there are many times when you take all precautions and do everything you can and still, you get burned. But the one thing that I found that was a common thread to those that did get burned was that the giving was all on one side. The victims gave and gave and the Predators took and took. There was no 50/50 sacrifices. The victim (in every case I am thinking of was a sub) was always the one that either gave up everything or was about to give up everything just to be with the Dominant.
If the Dominant wants you badly enough, they will make as many sacrifices as you to get you there to be with them. If this is not the case, then it is probably not a real situation or will not turn out to be a good situation for you.
Remember, you are priceless, so be cautious and do not make hasty decisions.
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Over the past couple of weeks, my Padrone and I have had some really deep and ongoing conversations about how people in different parts of the world live the BDSM lifestyle.
He has challenged me to write an in-depth, multi-part mini series on how different parts of the world view BDSM - East vs West; culture vs religion. I decided to first, post my own personal observations about those I have encountered over the years.
versus
The next step in the evolution I normally come across are those that only play in the bedroom but don't get that deep into it, mostly experimenting with some type of bondage. These are people are completely vanilla, but have a pair of fake handcuffs or some type of velcro restraints in an attempt to spice up their sex life. Neither of them really have an interest in taking on a Dominant or submissive role and will take turns cuffing each other. They might jokingly share some of the playtime information with their close friends, but will not explore BDSM more. They probably do not even realize it could be part of the S&M scene.
Then you have those that actually have played and researched BDSM and do play a defined role, but only in a scene. They don't live a 24/7 lifestyle, but they do love the power dynamic, along with other parts of BDSM they choose to practice. They might throw in bondage, flogging, chains or collars. But most of their friends and none of their family will know about their interest in the lifestyle.
Lastly, you have those that live or practice a version of BDSM in a 24/7 setting. I am talking about the people that have a defined role and are always in that position. The sub/slave will most likely wear a collar anywhere he/she goes, in or outside the house. The Dominant is always in charge and his/her instructions are always followed no matter if the couple is working or together in the same room. They usually don't hide their lifestyle choice from anyone and their families know how they choose to live their lives. They don't care what society, family, culture or religion has to say because they do as they choose and feel that if you do not like the choice, then you are free to not be acquainted with them.
Now I have given you a broad spectrum of the people I have come across in my experience, I will write a little more in depth about this subject in the coming weeks. I hope the information helps you further along in your own journey.
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People develop specific personality traits, that then define if they can be submissive or not.,/p>
There are a few, however, that don’t lend themselves to being a vital part of submission and can in fact cause a lot of strife. If these can not be curbed it is likely you are not cut out to be submissive.
Topping From the Bottom
Topping from the bottom is considered inappropriate behavior in most D/s circles. It can have many connotations, some of which make the dominant seem to be the less dominant person in the relationship. It also can be looked upon as the submissive trying to get the attention of their dominant because the submissive feels that they aren't getting enough. Why does a submissive bottom top? This is the question that there are many conflicting answers to. Some suggest that it is simply to get attention from the dominant. Some say that it is to act out against the dominant because they don't want the control. Some times the submissive is naturally more dominant than their dominant, so it comes natural for them to bottom top.
Selfishness
Selfishness is a very damaging trait to have when you are trying to be submissive. How can you serve your dominant if you are only thinking of yourself? Do you do things with joy even if they don't benefit you? Or are you one of those that constantly ask 'What's in it for me'? If you ask or question motives because you do not see any self benefits in certain tasks or guidelines, then you are selfish.
Lying or Not Being Completely Open
When you are in a normal relationship, you expect honesty and open communication, right? Well in a BDSM relationship that is even more important. If you can't be open and honest with your dominant, how can you really be submitting completely to him/her? A dominant is not a mind reader, nor do they want to have to guess if you are telling them everything they need to know.
Pretending to be Submissive
There are many women/men that want to be 'made' to submit. I'm not referring to play situations or sometimes, I am talking about all the time. Being submissive means you feel a need inside yourself to give up control to someone, whether sexually or more, but you feel it. If you have no desire to submit and just want to be made to submit, that is more of a masochist pretending to be a submissive. Most dominants do not want a pretend submissive. They might like a challenge in taming their sub, but do not want a constant fight for dominance.
Ego
'I am the ultimate uber submissive, hear me roar.' This is not the type of attitude you want. If you are too busy telling everybody how great you are at being a submissive, how awesome and talented you are, when do you have time and room in your life to actually be submissive? It is OK to have a healthy self worth and know your own strengths, but don't go overboard and be obnoxious.
Negativity
People in general do not like being around others that are always negative on themselves or life in general. Submissives that are always down on themselves, saying that people do not like them, they hate everyone or everything, they don't like their life, etc... will not win you any friends or make you desirable for a dominant.
These are but some of the bad traits I have found that Dominants do not like in their subs. Remember every dominant and submissive is different, so the above mentioned list is probably different for each of you. Just try to be your best, keep learning and always have an open and honest communication street with your partner.
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This is an excerpt from the book BDSM Basics for Beginners - A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle.
Along with responsibility, the Dominant must have patience. Patience in a Dominant is a requisite too, because there may be many times when a submissive may not reach expectations. This may not be due to any failing on the submissive's part, and so the Dominant must show patience, and a calming influence: an ability to help the sub, to achieve what they both want, in a structured and sensible way, and never to criticize when things don't go well.
A Dominant must always be in control. Drugs, even alcohol, are mind and body controlling agents. They affect relationships and most importantly can affect a scene, therefore taking away the control the Dominant MUST have.
A Dominant is always honest. To lie is to show You cannot be trusted and a sub/slave must be able to trust You to respect you. Every sub/slave knows that not every Dominant is super experienced and will respect You much more if You tell the truth. Be honest with a sub/slave about Your level of experience with others. They can even help You to gain experience, which can be an enjoyable learning process. Tell them up-front if You do not wish a monogamous relationship. Most submissives understand and even expect this in a Dominant. You may not get "that" sub/slave, but You will not lose her/his respect.
A Dominant expects, but does not demand respect. No Dominant demands strangers to call him/her Master/Mistress. Respect is earned over time. Demanding Master/Mistress on Your name means nothing and is a word that when not earned, is meaningless and makes You appear to be petty and childish. Those that know and respect You will call you Master or Mistress when You earn it, not before. Remember, to other Dominants, You are not Their Master/Mistress. You are Their equal. Do not demand Them too ever call You that.
A Dominant should only take a submissive that will match Him/Her. A sub/slave that is not into whips should not belong to a Dominant that loves to whip submissives.
A Dominant HAS to know and understand what the needs, desires and wants of a sub/slave are. Failure to do so may harm the submissive emotionally and mentally.
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Too often as submissives, we get so caught up in trying to anticipate and care for our Dominate's, we forget about ourselves.
We lose ourselves in our joy of serving. That is not good. We all need time to step outside of our role as submissives and reflect on our inner spirit, on our feelings, frustrations, goals, and weaknesses.
I will give you a scenario. You are feeling great and everything pretty much is right with your world. You anticipate all the things your Dominant needs, your tasks are all completed perfectly and you have not disappointed your Dominant. But, all of a sudden, you make a mistake, one seen by your Dominant as huge, but one you didn't know you were not supposed to do. You feel alone and frustrated. You don't know who to talk to. Your friends do not understand your situation or choice in lifestyles, and you don't feel you can express your hurt feelings and reasoning to your Dominant, because you made the mistake.
Well, this is the time you need to back off, accept you made a mistake and are human and do a little alone time and reflect on your mistake. Do not beat yourself up. You have probably already done that enough. You need to make sure you understand what exactly the mistake you made was and ensure that you do not make that same mistake again.
Take some time to be alone when you can. Absolute quiet is a good place to start. Sit or lay down in a comfortable position and just breath. Get all the stray, mean, weird, and useless thoughts out of your head, and concentrate on the sound of your heartbeat. Now, you have obtained a calm. Think about all aspects of your mistake you made and variations of that possible mistake (if they exist) and lock it away on your mental DO NOT DO list.
Now forgive yourself for that mistake. I am sure it wasn't that big or bad. Ask yourself if you need to bring it up with your Dominant in a respectful manner of if it's better to just let it go. That is up to you. Think long and careful on this. Remember, our Dominants do not want whiny, spineless subs, but one that thinks for themselves and can reason.
You should have a completely open and honest communication line to your Dominant. You should also never hold anything back from Him. But, you also have to ask yourself, is what you are feeling worth telling Him about it, or is it better to just internalize it, remember to not repeat it, forgive yourself and move forward? That is something that you have to think about.
Now, after you have gotten past your mistake, tell yourself how wonderful you are and remind yourself why you chose to be a submissive/slave. Don't get an ego, but you should be proud of yourself first. Proud of who you are, what you are, how you look, and how you serve your Dominant.
You can also take this time to reflect on goals that you or your Dominant has set out for you to work on. You know your weaknesses, use this time to try to think of ways you might start improving on them. You can use self-reflection as a time to dream about what may come, or what you want out of life.
I actually try to do this every day. Sometimes I am not alone when I do it, but I make sure I won't be disturbed by my own Padrone as I do take that 5 or 10 mins of quiet time to just be.
I know this isn't the usual type of blog post, but after some of the messages I have read, I felt that this needed to be said.
I learned a long time ago that sometimes, if done properly, self-reflection, meditation, or whatever you want to call it, can help keep your mind focused, open it up to new possibilities, help you deal with hurt feelings or even a bout of brattyness that might try to pop out.
Breath. Relax. Drift. Think.
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I am sure that if you are following me or reading this post, that you have heard about the Collar. I get many questions asking What is a collar?
Why do submissives wear them? What is the significance? What are they made of? So, I hope I cover all you wanted to know, and then some, about the BDSM Collar.
First, I have to say that the collar is not a fashion statement. If you really believe and want to live, what I consider, a true BDSM Lifestyle, you have to understand the meaning of a collar. Many people on the internet will give a virtual collar to anyone and then a week later, you will see they are not together anymore. In my opinion, this is not a true collaring, it's more along the lines of 'it sounds cool so let's do it'.
What is a Collar?
A collar is a device of any material placed around the neck of the submissive to signify many things. The main significance is that the sub wearing it is either taken or owned by a particular Dominant.
A Little History
Collars in historical times were put on slaves as to identify who owned them. To collar someone at the neck meant that you hold that person in ultimate control. Today's purpose in the BDSM lifestyle community collars carry many different meanings depending on the individual, but generally speaking the significance of the collar is the same - a person has control over another. One very important distinction from our historical counterpart rests in the consensual nature of the collar.
Collars were used as part of metal restraints in ancient times. However, iron collars were also used by the Romans to identify slaves and even give instructions for their return. It is likely that these historical precedents led to the association of slavery with collars in subcultures like Old Guard leather and in BDSM fiction, such as the Story of O and the Gor series.
Gay leathermen traditionally used a padlocked chain to collar their slaves. A tradition developed in some leather bars in the 1980s of wearing a collar with an open padlock to indicate that one was seeking a partner, and a closed padlock to indicate that one was in a relationship. This symbolism became less common in the 1990s as even in gay leather bars, many men began wearing collars for reasons of fashion rather than to indicate a relationship (or desire for a relationship). Also, many older leathermen were quite offended when younger men began flagging with unlocked collars. Traditionally, the top owned the collar and locked it on his slave. Slaves or potential slaves did not collar themselves.
Types of Collars and When You Get One
Typically, a Dominant will pick the collar out for her submissive. She may involve him in the process, but normally the decision is all hers. A physical collar may be a simple chain with a padlock, a dog collar bought at the local pet store, or even a piece of costume jewelry bought at the mall. Depending on the relationship, and their needs, a collar may lock, but it is almost equally likely that it will not.
The first collar is called a collar of consideration and indicates that a submissive is being considered for training by a new dominant.
The second type of collar is the training collar. This means that a submissive and dominant have moved on to a training contract and are probably moving onward to being a long term couple.
The final collar is the one placed around the submissive's neck when the dominant claims that submissive permanently If it is a long term relationship, this collar would normally be lockable and made from some really durable material or metal that looks like jewelry.
There are also collars known as play collars. This collar is placed around the neck of the submissive when the dominant wants to play and protect the submissive during a scene.
In its material form, it may take many shapes. It may be a simple leather dog collar, chain, steel, a necklace, a ring, a bracelet, an anklet, or some other body decoration. It can take the physical form of a brand, a tattoo, or body piercings. Most collars seem to be designed to feel strong and secure in the relationship negotiated or formed.
Collaring Ceremonies
The ceremony may be intimate, just between the Master and slave involved, or it may be a large event with friends and family invited. If they are in an online only relationship, it may be a simple phone call, or online chat where descriptive chat is typed out. In any event, no matter where the event is held, or who attends, it should be seen as a somber event with bit of significance in our lifestyle, as a wedding is in the vanilla world.
So remember, a collar is not a fashion statement. It is a symbol of a type of deep commitment you have with your Dominant. It reminds you of the set of rules, guidelines and values you must live by while you have it on. It is a precious thing and should not be entered into lightly.
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If you have been around or explored the world of BDSM for any length of time, you will have heard of Limits.
If you have no clue as to what the true meaning of Limits is, the easiest explanation I can give you is this: Limits encompass everything (mentally, physically, emotionally) that you will and will not allow in a BDSM relationship.
When people ask me what they should and should not allow, I tell them that is up to them. Do your homework and read as much as you can about different aspects of BDSM scene play, bondage, and roles. The more informed you are, the better you can decide what you are more comfortable with.
If you are at a place that you are thinking of entering into a BDSM contract with someone, you have to have all of your limits in place and make sure they will be honored by your Dominant. Write down 3 lists, one that contains things that are permissible, one that contains things that you may want to try but are scared to, and one that contains items that are absolutely off limits, no matter what your Dominant says or does.
Before a BDSM scene, it is common for participants to negotiate an outline of what activities will and will not take place during the play session. Participants outline what they want to happen and hard and soft limits are determined. For example, it is common to set a time limit on the session, to set a safeword and to prohibit activity involving non-consenting 3rd parties.
Hard Limits
Something that must not be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship.
NEVER say you don't have limits unless you are with a Dominant that has the exact same morals as you do or you can trust to not take you into places that you do not want to go. If you don't have well defined limits, this could become a problem if you do not know each other inside and out.
Soft Limits
Something that someone will do only in special circumstances or when highly aroused.
Safe word
Safe words are intended to protect participants from going further or doing things they don't wish to do. Safe words are also intended to end or slow down the scene for other reasons, such as a cramp, charley horse or a sudden onset of dizziness or shortness of breath.
The whole point of choosing a safe word is to select a word that you would not normally use in conversation, not even in animated conversation. Choosing a word like Stop or Ow wouldn't work because often, stop doesn't mean stop, it means 'if you stop now I will scream!' and 'Ow' can mean 'this is so yummy, please may I have another?' Choosing Elephant or Babysitter, Frog legs or Chicken as your safe word is a much better idea. OK, chicken fried steak might be too hard to remember, so maybe stick with the one word safe words. I mean, really, how often do you think a person is tied to a St. Andrew's Cross enjoying the flogger so much they are flying into subspace and the word babysitter comes to their mind?
The Myth of Safe words is that a safe word will protect the submissive from harm. That is utter crap! A safe word has absolutely no power to protect the submissive from harm. In fact, I believe that trusting in safe words can often create a false sense of safety for submissives. A submissive is falsely comforted by the Top's giving them a safe word. The safe word is of no value whatsoever, without knowing and trusting the Top, and how in the world could a submissive possibly trust someone they spent a total of a few hours on the internet with, prior to agreeing to play with them?
So remember that Limits and a Safe word are the first keys to practicing a safe and healthy BDSM relationship!
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Many people that are new to the Lifestyle, or outsiders looking in, think all of BDSM relationships are the same.
That there is One Dominant, One sub/slave; That the Dominant tells the sub what to do, the sub gets beat just for the heck of it, and that all subs are made to walk around on a collar and leash naked all the time on their hands and knees. While this might be true for some, it is not true for most! So, today's blog post is my attempt to describe some of the most common types of BDSM relationships out there, and I will be including a couple outside BDSM that are closely related.
If you have been reading this blog, you already know that BDSM covers a wide range and variety of relationships. There are sexual and non-sexual, service, training, age play, and more. I want to just touch on the most common forms that you will see in real life and cyber.
D/s - Dominant / submissive
This is the most basic and common form you will hear about and encounter in a BDSM relationship. This usually consists of a Dominant (Male or Female) and one or more submissives/slaves. The power exchange or D/s in this type of relationship is not normally practiced in a 24/7 way, meaning that there are large parts of a submissive's life that are not dictated by the Dominant and the sub is free to do, say, wear, act, etc. in any way that he/she wants. D/s is usually practiced in a scene related or training environment, or reserved for specific parts of a sub's life or specific hours. The couple can be partially vanilla at times, can be two or more strangers getting together for a scene, or can be a paid Dominant/Domme with a sub. Many times it will include a Dominant/Domme that trains certain submissives in certain forms of service for Dominants. There are many exceptions to my definition, but this is the most common form it will take.
M/s - Master(Mistress) / slave
This form of power exchange is a much deeper and stricter version of Dominance and submission. There is a Master/Mistress and either one or more submissives and/or slaves (read previous blog post on sub versus slave to understand the definitions more). Remember that just because it is M/s, does not automatically mean the sub is a slave. You will normally see this type of relationship in a committed couple or committed poly group, cyber or real life. The origins are based in real life 24/7 situations, where the sub/slave lives with her/his Master/Mistress. The Master/Mistress will have rules and guidelines that dictate how the sub/slave is to act, dress, interact with others, etc... in most parts of the sub/slave's life. This relationship always includes tasks and punishments as well. There are many people that are in online relationships that say they are in M/s vs D/s based relationships. The longer you are in the Lifestyle, you will learn that most real life BDSM'ers do not recognize online as a real form of M/s. I think it can be if both participants are open, honest with the other one.
S&M - Sadomasochism
In its purest form, this involves two people, one known as a Sadist that likes to inflict sexual pain, and a Masochist, one that likes to receive sexual pain. There are many people in and around BDSM that are purely Sadomasochists. They do not describe or see themselves as Dominants or submissives. They are in BDSM simply for the sexual gratification of whips, chains, clamps, bondage, wax play, etc. Now, D/s and M/s can certainly involve S&M, but does not necessarily mean it has to. There are many couples that like to have what is considered normal sex without ropes, chains, floggers or toys, but practice the D/s or M/s lifestyle.
Gorean Lifestyle-ers
The Gorean philosophy is a philosophy embraced in the science fiction novels by John Norman. A number of fans of Norman's work have attempted to live their lives according to this philosophy. The Gorean identity is founded on home, job, and social order. The Three Pillars of Gorean society is described as Home Stone, Caste System, and Order of Nature. Many who study and follow the Gorean morality do not own slaves. Slavery is not required to be Gorean.
Unlike many other forms of consensual slavery, in a Gorean M/s relationship, there are no contracts, no negotiating, no lists of limits, and no convenient "outs" for the slave.
A Gorean slave is at the complete mercy of her (or his) owner in all things, from what, if any, food, sleep, clothing or shelter the slave will be allowed, when and if s/he will be allowed to work or go to school, have children, have contact with friends or family, to what religion, if any, they may practice and whether they will have toilet privileges.
Another major difference between Gorean slaves and most other types of slaves is that Gorean slaves are customarily expected to be obedient, deferential and pleasing to ALL free persons, not just the one who owns them.
Taken-in-Hand Relationships
It is a consciously and consensually male controlled, sexually exclusive, relationship in which the man’s power is real and for the purpose of cultivating a deeply connected, fully engaged relationship. How the man expresses his dominance is an individual matter, but it’s for the benefit of the relationship rather than being purely self-serving. The man protects and cherishes the woman he leads. The woman responds positively to her man’s control.
The wives in Taken In Hand relationships tend not to claim to be submissive (though their husbands may well consider them to be so) and strongly prefer not to be the one in charge in their relationship. They do respect, honor, obey and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them.
The husbands in Taken In Hand relationships tend not to claim to be dominant but prefer to be the one wearing the pants in their marriage. They do enjoy dominating and submitting their wife when necessary to maintain their position.
Now, remember, just because I have given you what I define as the most common types of relationships, does not mean that there isn't cross over, combinations, and exceptions to every one I have named. There are also more that I have not mentioned because there are just too many. I hope this helps you in your quest and furthers your own path on the journey.
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